Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friends, it is.

They think we're like a couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yet it is mashed potato.

A fine romance with no...

What a charm.

This is a fine romance.

Well, say something, then.

I'm just trying to get the facts straight.

I've already told you the facts. Well, that's what I mean.

Look, you arrived back from Brussels two hours ago while we were having supper

with Mike. You've been hiding upstairs till he left. Is that right?

More or less.

What do you mean, more or less?

I don't think you ever really went to Brussels.

I think you've been hiding upstairs the last six months.

It just sounds sillier than it is.

It couldn't sound sillier.

Aren't you glad to see me?

Oh, I'm thrilled.

I haven't had a completely insane evening for ages.

Of course I'm glad to see you.

I just wonder why you couldn't arrive normally.

Well, I did, only I didn't know that Mark was here.

So I suggested that she wait upstairs until he went.

Well, I suppose it does make a terrible sort of sense.

I saw baby Bill. He's beautiful.

Yes, he is, isn't he?

Well, come on.

Tell us some more about George.

George. George?

George.

It's a chap I met in Brussels.

He's proposed.

Proposed what?

Marriage. Sorry.

Well, the first couple of months were awful. I didn't know anyone. I nearly

home. And then this girl at work invited me to a party.

So I said to myself, Laura, either you sit around feeling sorry for yourself...

Or you get up with your backside and do something about it. So you went to a

party and met Georges?

Well, not exactly.

I couldn't find the place, and I asked someone, and that was Georges.

Look, this proposal... No, I couldn't.

He was a dear, kind man.

I think if he'd offered to adopt me, I would have accepted.

I don't think Mum and Dad would have liked that. But you know what I mean. He

was a lovely, soft blanket.

He made me feel warm and totally protected.

Perhaps that was the trouble.

You do have a penchant for precarious living, don't you? No. No?

No! No? No!

You said he was rich. Yes, Mary.

No! Oh, shut up.

Anyway, it's over and done with.

And here I am, older and wiser.

No, well, just older.

Well, we're glad, aren't we, Phil?

Aren't we, Phil?

Yes.

I expect Mike will be, too.

And if you intend to hide upstairs every time he comes round. Well, of course I

don't. I just wasn't prepared to meet him that quickly.

I'm bound to bump into him sooner or later.

He's in a dodgem car.

Well, I'll phone him then.

We'll just try and say a bit more than hello, Mike, and hanging up this time.

Well, you know about that. That's why he came round.

He was worried.

He was, Laura.

You see, I just got to Brussels Airport. I just phoned him, but when he

answered, I couldn't think of anything to say, so I hung up.

No wonder he was worried. Oh, I know. I've made a mess of it.

I've made a mess of everything.

Well, I'm too tired to talk about it now.

Yes, of course you must be.

Well, I'm not having you looking for a hotel this time of night. You'll stay

here. That's already been arranged.

Oh. Just till I've sought myself out.

Shall I leave him in the garden?

He's fast asleep and it's a lovely day.

Yes, he's wonderful when he's awake, but it's ever so peaceful when he's asleep.

You were a long time.

I enjoyed it.

I'm afraid I showed off terribly.

That's right, so do I.

Aren't other people who show off with their babies boring?

So little to show off about, exactly.

Is that lunch? Do you want a hand?

I'm nearly done.

Sit down and talk to me.

You know, I've been thinking.

Oh, yes?

About Mike.

Oh, yes.

I'm going to have to see him sooner or later.

I suppose you are.

But sooner it was later than sooner.

I don't think you owe him an explanation about that phone call.

Yes.

I don't suppose... No.

But if you were to bump into him, now you're back on bumping into him. I'm not

likely to. I don't see that much of him.

But if you... If I do, I shall not give a single clue at your whereabouts or

well -being. If anything's going to be said, it's got to come from you.

Now, I want your promise on that.

Good.

Because, you see, I want it to come from me.

Well, I hope you mean this century.

Hello, Helen.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Not a bit of it.

It's not a bad time, is it? Not at all. It's a very good time.

Come in, Mike!

Sit down, Mike!

How are you, Mike?

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm a bit worried.

Why are you shouting?

Oh, sorry.

The baby's in the back garden, you see, and the sound of my voice reassured him.

Would you like to... No, no, he's probably asleep by now.

Actually, I've got something in the oven.

What is it you're worried about?

Well, Laura.

Aren't you worried as well?

Yes, I am, as a matter of fact.

I heard that phone call from Bruttles yesterday.

I mean, why should she phone me and say, hello, Mike, and then hang up?

Well, I'll tell you what I think.

I think she's in some sort of trouble. I think she wanted to tell me something,

but, well, let's face it, it's been six months and she lost her nerve and hung

up. I think you're right.

What did she want to tell me?

Look, Mike, I should just forget the whole thing. I can't. I mean, maybe

ill. Maybe she's in some sort of trouble.

I don't think she deserves that sort of consideration.

That's not like you.

Well, it is today.

But it is worrying, isn't it?

I've rang that number in Brussels six times since last night and there's been

reply.

Why are you showing me this cupboard?

I'm sorry, am I supposed to be deducing something?

I expect it's the baby.

What is?

Well, when a baby is born, don't women sometimes...

Postnatal depression, that's what it's called.

No, Mike, I am not suffering from postnatal depression. I am suffering

-Laura depression.

Yes, of course.

You are worried about Laura.

Look, we've got to find out what's up, haven't we?

This has got to be sorted out.

And I am going to do it.

Nice walk.

Really?

So lovely to look at English things again.

Yes, I suppose the view from the cupboard was rather limited.

Oh, it's no good sitting there and sighing.

You think I'm behaving stupidly, don't you?

With knobs on.

Is lunch ready yet?

Yes.

God, I'm starving.

You're not getting any. Oh, really?

What are you going to do, send me to my room?

I'll tell you what you're going to do straight away. You are going round to

Mike and explain.

Look, Helen, if and when I see Mike and what I choose to explain is really my

business, isn't it? Not if I have anything to do with it. Not when I'm

to tell lies to someone who is genuinely concerned.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Good. So if we can just have lunch now... I told you, you're not getting

lunch. I'll go out for some.

Oh, for goodness sake, go round and see Mike now.

I should really, shouldn't I?

Yes, you should, really.

Yes, well, I'll go.

after lunch.

Right then, I'm off.

And I must say, Helen, it's very unlike you to get into such a state over

nothing.

Oh, sorry. I was just having a... I was having a look at something.

Can I help you at all?

I'm just looking for Mr Selway.

Oh, he's not here.

You're Terry?

Yeah. Don't you remember me? Laura Dalton.

We did meet once.

Gordon Bennett.

Have I changed that much? No, no.

Only you're here.

Yes, that's right.

Only Mike isn't.

Well, where is he?

He's gone to Brussels to look for you.

That's England.

Oh, oui.

Are you saying that Mademoiselle Dalton has gone to England?

Hier. She's here.

Non, monsieur. En Angleterre, hier.

No, no, no.

That's me.

I have come from Angleterre to hier.

Ici. Pas ici, monsieur. Hier.

Hier.

Hier.

Yes, all right. Very good. So, Mademoiselle Dalton is... is... Yeah!

Santé. Cheers.

Now, let us try a different apple.

Aujourd 'hui.

Today? Oui.

Demain.

Tomorrow. Bravo, monsieur.

Look,

this is all very informative, but...

Yesterday. Yesterday.

Bravo, monsieur.

Monsieur, so what about yesterday?

Yeah.

Alors, hier.

Yesterday. Mademoiselle Dalton. Laura.

Par avion. The name of a place?

Non, non, non, monsieur, par avion.

Oh, a plane.

All 'Angleterre.

To England.

Mademoiselle Dalton.

to England yesterday.

Madame, I think you're the first person to tell me the truth in the last 24

hours. Pardon, monsieur?

Nothing. Santé.

Cheers.

No, it's me.

Oh. You still here?

That's a soppy question, isn't it?

Oh.

No, it isn't a soppy question. Not a soppy question at all, Terry.

I just thought that Mike might be on the plane that gets in at six o 'clock.

Well, I don't see why he'd come here that late.

No, come to think of it, nor do I.

He'd have gone straight back home.

Look, I can find his number and give him a ring for you.

I know the number.

I used to live there.

Oh, yeah.

When I phone, there's no reply.

Oh. Perhaps he stayed in Brussels overnight. You know, made a little

it.

I don't think he'd be in a holiday mood.

Tell me something.

Do you two always carry on like this?

More or less.

Never dull, then, eh?

No.

Never dull.

Well, look, I hope you don't think I'm being rude, but I like to play with my

little girl before she goes to bed.

Oh, of course. You want to lock up? Duh.

She loves Mike.

Does she?

Oh, yeah.

I think it's because he doesn't do all that coochie -coochie stuff to her.

What does he do to her?

Well, he talks to her, as if she's a proper little person.

Look, Terry, I don't want to hold you up any more, but about Mike.

I've already messed him up enough as it is, so if you see him tomorrow, could

you ask him to ring me at this number?

Yeah, sure.

Come to think of it, you better ring me and I'll ring Mike.

OK.

I'll give you Phil's office number as well. Oh, lovely.

Who's Phil?

Helen's husband.

Well, who's Helen?

My sister.

Oh, you'd better give me her number as well, then. I already did.

I'm staying there.

So if we should be out, you could ring Phil and then Phil will ring me when I

get back.

So if we do go out, I'll ring Phil to tell him who you are and if you should

ring him.

I'll ring you to tell you that Phil's rung me.

How old is your daughter?

She's one. Why?

I should forget you've ever seen me.

Go home and have a really intelligent conversation with her.

Well, do I lay a place for your mad sister or what?

She's just worried.

Do you know how she is? You haven't seen her since this morning.

She wouldn't have gone back to Brussels, would she?

For all I know, she's pony trekking in the Himalayas.

I still think you should have given her away when Mike came round this morning.

I promise.

I did show him the cupboard.

Look at the level of behaviour she brings you down to.

Ah, there she is.

Wonder if she brought any Sherpas with her.

I've been to Brussels.

Oh, dear.

Yes, that's what I thought.

Laura was here all the time, wasn't she?

Hello, Phil. You've grown a moustache, haven't you?

Well, if you knew she was here all the time, what did you get a brush for?

Because it didn't click until I was well on the way home again.

You were trying to tell me something this morning, weren't you, when you

me that cupboard?

She made me promise.

I suppose you made a swear on that hamster's grave.

Grumpy? Yes, indeed.

I'm beginning to wish she'd never come back in the first place.

Well, that's something I still don't know.

Why did she come back?

Well, I think she should tell you that herself.

Yes, and we have a finder again.

Well, I don't know what's happening.

I'm waiting.

Honestly.

Oh, hello, Mark.

Hello.

It's like Stanley finding Livingston, isn't it?

Well, I think Phil and I will be incredibly discreet.

And go and get the dinner.

Yes, if you're going to have a row, I'll make it a quiet one. Or you'll wake up

the baby.

Would you like to pay to dinner, Mike? You're very welcome.

No, thanks. I'm not hungry. I've had several aeroplane meals today.

I'm fine.

How are you?

Very well. How was Brussels?

Much as you left it. Sorry.

I shouldn't have asked that. I wasn't trying to be funny. Oh, why not?

Why not be funny?

I think there's a great deal of humour in me spending £138 going to Brussels

back for simply nothing at all.

I'd have contacted you sooner if I knew you were going to do that.

Oh, you mean you'd have actually materialised instead of hiding in the

No, last night.

Do you mean to say you were here last night? Yes.

Whilst I was here? Yes.

In the cupboard? No, I was upstairs.

Well, of all the stupid, brainless, gormless, dark things to do... But I was

waiting for the right moment. You had hundreds of right moments.

Hundreds of right moments whilst I was worrying about you.

Oh, that was nice. It was not nice.

It was totally unnecessary, you and your stupid phone call. Well, it was an

impulse. I decided to come back to England and I wanted...

me anything all you said was hello Mike and then you hung up just forget the

phone call forget I have a phone oh yeah fine now forget the 138 pounds I spent

on going to Brussels and back for nothing at all you've become very

what are you doing

I'm giving you your rotten money back

138

gone into both. I really don't.

Now, listen, you two. If you want to carry on with this, go somewhere else

do it.

Find a pub with sawdust on the floor and turn it into a brawl, if you like.

But I think you ought to know that I'm thick and tired of having my family

caught up in your raving.

Sorry, Phil. Sorry, Phil.

Right.

Makes us sound like the Marx Brothers.

Poor old... One time.

I'm sorry about Brussels, Mike.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe you were right.

I don't mean about going in the first place. I mean about the phone call and

your day trip.

Didn't even remember to get any duty free.

Well, now that you're back, are you...

You staying for good or what?

Oh, yes.

I think so.

Well, we must meet up sometime.

Have a chinwag.

Yes, lots of news to catch up on.

Well, we'll have dinner or something.

Oh, that would be nice.

No reason why we can't remain friends, is there?

No.

No, of course not.

Well, I'd better be off. Let Phil and Helen have their house back.

Say goodbye to them for me, will you?

Well, I'll see you soon.

Look, about the check.

What about the check, Mike?

You forgot to sign it.

A fine romance with no wrestling A

fine romance with no netting We two are just as prickly as

cactus plants Love hasn't got a charm It is a fine romance