Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's Mappetato.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no...

You haven't got a chance.

This is a fine romance.

Thank you.

It's all part of the friendly service.

You never used to do press -ups when you kissed me.

Do you think you could manage another one?

What, baby?

No.

A kid.

Can I manage another one?

No, I don't think I can.

I can't sit on the other side in there some night, otherwise by the time he

arrives, I'll have one enormously muscled arm.

You're very sure about he, aren't you?

Yes.

William Beaumont Barker.

If we call him that, and he hates rugby, he's not going to like us.

The arm's better.

Oh, good.

Now, who could that be?

I'll give you three guesses.

It's all right.

Phil.

We're not disturbing you, are we?

No. No.

Phil was just doing his antenatal exercises.

I brought you a little present for the baby. Oh.

Well, we were on our way home from work and as we practically passed your

door... The office, our flat, your house. We always go the long way home.

Really, Laura, you must stop buying things. What is it? It's a baby bouncer.

I didn't think you were supposed to bounce babies.

Thank you, Laura. Sweet.

What do you do with it?

Well...

You suspend this from something, doorframe or something like that, and

sits in here, here, and he bounces up and down to his heart's content.

We start ricocheting between the floor and the top of the doorframe.

Of course he won't. That's what I said.

Yes, and I said the same to you. Except you didn't laugh.

What about a drink?

Would anyone like a drink? Yes, please. No, Hank.

Try, isn't it?

I don't want to have one on my own.

That's all right.

I'll have one with you.

You sure, mate?

Yes, thanks. We ought to be getting off, actually. I'm allowed this first, am I?

I mean, when you'd finished your drink.

Why don't you have one? Because I don't want one.

I'll have one.

I'll have lemonade on the rocks, please.

Right.

There.

You sure, mate?

Yes. Thanks, thanks. I'm driving and I had a pint at lunchtime. Half, actually.

You had a half. I had a pint. Half.

It doesn't really matter, does it?

No. No? No.

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers.

I'd be so glad to see the back of those three in my life.

Don't you defend them? I wasn't going to. I was here moving.

What's the matter with them lately, anyway?

Laura wants a baby and Mike doesn't. I thought they'd dropped the idea.

Mike has. Laura hasn't.

Well, it's eight to two.

That must be the end of it.

Mike hopes so. Laura doesn't.

Can't go on flogging her dead horse.

Laura will. Mike won't.

Have they thought the whole thing through properly?

Mike hopes so. Laura doesn't.

No wonder they couldn't agree on how much beer he had lunch time.

It was all my fault.

Oh, come on.

Well, I was the one that brought them together in the first place.

Yeah, but they defied all the odds by staying together.

I wish they'd thought up their problems by themselves instead of coming round

here and bothering us with them.

Yes, it is.

I mean, what would we have done if I'd wanted a baby and you hadn't? But I did.

Well, if you had and I hadn't. But you did.

No, if I hadn't.

Well, if you hadn't and I hadn't. No, if I had and you hadn't. But they've done

it again, haven't they? One hour I listened to their gibberish, they got us

talking gibberish to each other.

Jibber -jibber.

What are you gibbering?

What are you creeping

about for?

I came to see if you were awake.

I am.

Now.

Before, I mean. No, as a matter of fact.

I'm sure that furniture knows when someone's coming in the dark.

In theory, it moves itself about.

You didn't just come in to stub your toe, did you?

Look, this is silly.

Just because we've had a row, it doesn't mean to say that we can't share the

same bed. Are you taking back what you said? For goodness sake, we're not in

school. Do you? No. Right.

Then I should

sleep on the couch.

Why? Well, because it's traditional.

Since when have we been traditional?

Oh!

Now, come on. No. You go to bed. No, I don't want to go to bed. Go to bed.

want to sleep on that sofa. No, you do not want to sleep on this sofa. Yes, I

do, now get off! I am sleeping on this sofa, and that is an end to it.

Yes. Would you?

I never thought we'd end up here at two o 'clock in the morning talking about

hitting each other.

Where did you think we'd end up?

I don't know.

Nowhere for a long time and then somewhere together.

But not with a child.

Look, I'm talking about it, Mike. I'm not niggling or nagging.

I'm just talking about it quietly and sensibly.

And I promise it's for the last time.

If I thought... Yes?

If I thought we could look after a baby, bring it up... Well, of course we

could.

But you've got to be responsible. You've got to be settled.

We are.

Ten minutes ago, we were throwing buckets of water over each other.

Is that the action of responsible adults?

You'd make a lovely father.

Oh, I don't know why you say that.

You're so kind.

Oh, yes, very.

Going around hitting women, that's very kind.

You didn't hit me.

I would have done.

Only if I'd have hit you first. I thought of it first.

What if a child had been watching that?

But if we'd had a child, it wouldn't have happened. There you go again. A

It's just a baby.

It's not some magic that cures everything that's wrong between two

do you mean, everything? Everything is wrong.

Oh, I know. I didn't think anything was wrong.

I thought we were beginning to get on rather well. I thought we were beginning

to enjoy each other. We were.

Then why have a baby to put everything right when everything's right without a

baby in the first place? It shouldn't have come out like that.

Well, it did.

Doesn't mean to say that everything couldn't be better.

No.

I'm thinking of us, Mike.

You're not.

You mean I'm selfish?

No.

But it's not us.

For once, the baby.

If we had a son, you could teach him the landscape gardening business.

He'd love that.

Son, give up all thoughts of becoming a rich merchant banker.

Your dad's going to teach you how to become a struggling landscape gardener.

You won't always be. You're good at it, and word gets round. Oh, well, I wish it

would hurry up. I'm not getting any younger. And that's another thing.

We're too old. Oh, medically speaking.

Practically speaking.

We could die before the child grew up.

Now, that's downright morbid.

Well, I couldn't kick a football around. Well, of course you could. No, I

couldn't.

One of me sticks slipped, I'd fall flat on me back.

Is it because you never had a mother and father? Of course I had a mother and

father.

Didn't arrive in a... capsule from the planet Krypton.

Not knowing them, I mean.

I don't know.

I'm not bugging you, am I?

It's like spending money on double glazing when the roof's still leaking.

Then we'd better get some sleep.

The bed's soaked.

The sofa's soaked.

And we've only got one dry blanket left.

We'd better make Rau's dry ones from now on.

There.

Goodnight, Laura.

Ah, Phil.

Good morning, it's Mike.

I'm sorry I'm a bit early.

Is it as early as all that?

I'm sorry. The thing is, I was wondering if Laura was round there.

Well, no, I don't see why she should be either, but she isn't here.

No.

Well, she must be somewhere else then. I'm sorry to have bothered you. I didn't

wake you up, did I?

Oh, I'm sorry about that, Phil.

Goodbye.

I was just about to come and look for him. Why?

Because you weren't here.

No, I was at the laundrette. We've already established that. What were you

there? Drying the bedclothes. But it's seven o 'clock.

Well, I didn't sleep very well.

Oh, I didn't sleep very well either, but I didn't sneak off to the laundrette.

Well, I didn't sneak off anywhere.

You get some very weird people at laundrettes at odd hours.

What weird people?

Oh, you for a start.

Yes, all right.

What would you say to egg, bacon, sausage, mushrooms and tomatoes?

Not a lot.

Do you like cooked breakfast? Not this morning.

Just a piece of toast and a cup of tea will do fine.

I think you should have a cooked breakfast.

Why?

Because I'd like to cook one for you. Does sleeping on a sofa always make you

behave like this?

Tea and toast.

Hello, Helen.

No, she popped out to the laundrette.

Yes, that's what I said, yes.

No, no, no, fine.

I'm sorry to have troubled you.

Yes, goodbye.

Why did you phone Helen?

Because I thought you might have been round there.

Seven o 'clock in the morning? Far more likely than going to the laundrette at

seven o 'clock in the morning.

Don't be angry, Mike, not this morning. I'm not angry.

I'm just confused.

These bags are full of food.

Yes, well, I went shopping while the clothes dried.

Oh, I see.

No wrong in stocking up, is there?

No, no, no.

It's not going to become a way of life, this dawn activity, is it?

No, I don't think so.

Right, here we are.

We've had a lot more good times than bad, haven't we?

Yes, of course. Why?

Just nice to think about, isn't it?

That's it.

Have

I

got marmalade somewhere?

No.

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

You look peculiar.

Thanks. Oh, not peculiar. Funny. Well, it must be my early start catching up

with me.

Actually, I shan't be at the office today, Mike.

Oh, right.

I've got some things to do.

Well, now you've taken on Mr Robinson and Terry, I don't think you need me in

the old office anymore.

I wouldn't say that.

I mean, I've seen Mr Robinson's typing. He's much quicker than I am. Not so

messy, either.

Funny how you both call him Mr Robinson.

I can't bring myself to call him Wilfred.

Neither can I.

What does young Terry call him?

Wilf. He would.

Still, they're nice people, aren't they? Both of them. Oh, yeah.

Once they begin to understand what the other's talking about, they make a good

team.

Well, I'm glad you're working with nice people.

They like you.

Oh, nice people with good taste.

More tea?

No, thanks. I ought to be getting along.

Set the staff a good example.

I'm sorry about last night, Mike.

Yes, so am I.

We won't think of it as typical, will we?

I shouldn't think so.

We haven't chucked water over each other before.

Well, I'm off to brutalise the workers.

Cheerio. Cheerio, Mike.

The laundrette?

Yeah. What, at seven in the morning? Well, that's what Mike said.

Unless I misheard him.

I couldn't have done it.

I can't think of another word that sounds like laundrette, can you?

No, I don't think I can.

At least you've finally gone round the twisty.

Oh, no.

You want a chat?

They're catering.

I think you're moving in.

Don't worry.

The cases.

You're not?

No.

What are you doing, then?

Well, I'm going to Brussels, you see. I must be able to get a job there.

I mean, all those Euro MPs shouting at each other in their own languages.

They must wear out interpreters very quickly.

Well, what about Mike?

He doesn't need an interpreter.

Don't be silly, Laura. You know what I mean.

You can't go charging off to Brussels every time you have a row.

If I'd done that recently, I'd never have been off the aeroplane.

Well, what did Mike say?

Nothing.

I didn't tell him.

You just walked out. No, no, no. I saw him off to work.

He wouldn't have a big fry -up for breakfast.

Then I packed my bag and now I'm off to the airport.

Oh, that's charming.

He left a note.

No. So what happens now? He gets home, no you, no note.

You start worrying.

Your phone here, I expect.

Yes, it was.

Were you going to know? Well, I couldn't, could I? What could I say in a

Dear Mike, I'm ratting on you. I'm not. All right, doing the dirty on you. Oh,

Helen, you should have told him. Well, I couldn't.

He'd have made a long, beautiful speech like, don't go.

And I'd have said, we'd have tried to make it work because we like each other,

but we can't solve this one.

And it won't go away.

We'd have ended up just not liking each other, and that would have been far

worse.

So... Can I call a taxi? No, we'll take you to the airport, won't we, Phil?

Yes, of course we will.

Thanks. I'll just go.

Who are you ringing?

Mike. No, you don't.

If he gets to the airport and she sees him... We've got to let go of those two.

If we carry on like this, we'll end up adopting them.

They love each other.

Like. She said, like.

Well, what if she's silly in Brussels?

She's silly everywhere. Phil!

Don't worry, she's not going to end up haunting waterfront bars with a plastic

mac and a fag in her mouth.

There isn't a waterfront in Brussels.

Seriously.

Maybe for the best.

I've always said the only thing those two have got in common is having nothing

in common.

Being lonely?

That's true.

Fine.

You'll look after Mike for me, won't you?

Yes, he can sleep in the nursery till the baby arrives.

Ready?

I'll take this.

Oh, thanks.

I've just forgot my bag. It won't be a minute.

Strange. They're never delayed when you want them to be, are they?

Planes. How did you know?

Phil.

That's not a petrol.

I'm sorry, Mike.

Well, it's not very far from Brussels, is it?

You're going to get on the next plane, aren't you?

No. I mean, it's not very far from Brussels if...

I suppose it is.

Got a yellow line? Yeah.

Double yellow line.

A fine romance with no clinches.

A fine romance with no finches. They think we're like a couple

of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling A fine

romance with no nestling We two are just as prickly as cactus plants

Love hasn't got a chance This is a fine romance