Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance.

With no nestlings, we might as well play bridge with our maiden arms.

Love hasn't got a chance.

This is a fine romance.

What do you think, Phil?

There or... There.

I can't see your face at all now. Oh, no.

What about there? Mudge.

You're interviewing applicants for a job, not questioning suspects.

I've run out of places to put it, huh?

Well... Oh, that's a good idea.

Right, now, let's run through it again, Phil.

Not too remote, not too friendly, and let them do most of the talking. Yeah,

write things down. What things?

Well, anything.

Shopping list, if you like.

If you keep writing things down from time to time, it keeps you off their

balance. Right.

Thanks for the coaching. I've never really done this sort of thing before.

What about Charlie?

You must have interviewed him when he came for the job.

Oh, no, not really. He just popped his head round the door and said, I'm

Charlie, any tea in the pot? And we sort of went on from there.

Fairly incisive interviewing.

Still, it seemed to work. I mean, there was always a pot of tea on the go after

that. But, Mike, you want someone who's prepared to work as hard as you.

Not someone who wants a cup of tea every five minutes.

You're quite right.

Anyone fancy a cup of tea?

I've got to go and start decorating the spare room.

Nursery. What nursery?

Anyway, thanks for the advice, Phil. Well, for what it's worth.

I'd never interviewed blokes before. It's always been secretaries. Must be

nicer. Well, scenically, yeah. That's what I meant.

What colour are you doing the nursery, blue or pink?

Apricot.

Well, how about if you all get paint up me arms?

Good luck, Mike. Don't give someone the job just because they've got good legs,

eh? Hope you find someone good, Mike.

Oh, aren't you staying?

No, no, no. I'd only get in the way. I'd interfere.

I'm used to that.

No, it's your business. You know what you're looking for.

Give you a lift, Laura. Drop you off somewhere.

Actually, I thought I'd come back with you, have a natter with Helen.

Oh. It's been a long time.

Yeah, must be all of yesterday.

You don't mind, do you? No, no.

Finally, be prepared to end up with a paintbrush in your hand.

I mean, you'll have to work for the bloke as well. Only part -time.

It's much better that you find someone you can get on with.

After all, I might not be here forever.

What do you mean?

Nothing. Because I might not be free to help out forever, that's all.

Bye, see you later.

I bought you some biscuits.

Custard creams.

They're your favourite.

Not anymore.

Oh.

These things you go off.

Do you ever go back on them again?

Some of them.

I'm glad.

Yes, Phil's rather pleased, too.

Oh, look, you shouldn't be sitting like that.

You're meant to sit like this.

According to popular fiction, it happens who's supposed to fuss, not who's

supposed to. What does he know that I don't? It's temperament, isn't it? You

know Phil.

He simply doesn't...

Is that what he's painting?

He's perfectly formed.

You're not Phil.

The baby, after 13 weeks, the baby is perfectly formed. I think that's

wonderful. If you go on like this, you're going to get sympathetic labour

Well, they would be wonderful too, in their way. Oh, terrific.

I'm really looking forward to them.

I mean, when you have a tiny little perfect baby inside you, does it make

feel fulfilled?

Full?

Wonderful? No, not wonderful.

Different.

Will you have any more?

Well, give me a chance. I haven't had this one yet.

Oh, I bet you will. I think that's wonderful, too.

Laura, I don't know whether you know it, but you're gushing. Oh, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Wonderful this, wonderful that.

You even think that having to get up in the middle of the night to go to the loo

is wonderful.

Well, it must be.

Well, you try it. Well, I might.

What?

Oh, I don't know. I might.

I haven't actually brought up the subject with Mike yet. Well, don't you

you're better?

Yes.

I'll do chips tonight. He likes chips.

Laura, I'm not being rotten, but this isn't simply just because I...

I mean, you're not just feeling broody, are you?

I don't know.

I might be.

I thought about babies once, and then I didn't think about them. I didn't think

about them for a long time, but, well, the time passes, and my only claim to

youth is that I'm younger than Jane Fonda, and that's not fair. I mean, look

her. And so, well, I just haven't much time left, have I?

Hey, what happened to equal rights?

Sorry, we were talking.

Oh, no, you can't paint. You don't like the smell of paint. I do now. I like it.

All right, Auntie?

Well, for your information, there might be another auntie in this room.

But you and Mike?

Maybe. You and Mike? Yes!

Mr. Selway? Yes? Terry Bullivon. The job centre sent me.

Ah.

Take a seat.

Oh, come on.

I can only stay ten minutes.

That's very magnanimous of you.

I was not meant against you. It's just that I've got to feed the baby at

Baby? Yeah, she's out there.

Here, come and have a look. Come on.

There she is.

All right, Alana?

Well, go on, she loves being waved at.

Look, Mr Bollivant, Terry, Terry, it's rather unusual, isn't it?

What? Well... Oh, Alana, you mean.

Oh, well, I had to bring her, cos Cheryl's at work.

She's on the till.

Oh, I see.

Shall we... But if your wife... Cheryl.

Cheryl, if she's at work and you're after the job here, who would look

Alana. The baby, Alana. Yes.

Would Cheryl give up her job?

Oh, no, no.

She earns more than your offering here.

Mind you, that is fair. She has got two CSDs.

And who would look after the baby?

Oh, me mum. But she couldn't do today because she had to go to the solicitors

about Evie's shoulder.

Right.

Have you been out of work long?

Eleven months.

The day after we conceived of Alana.

Now, there's a twist, isn't it?

Yeah.

What sort of job did you have before that?

Yards of them. Pardon? All sorts.

But what was the last one?

I was in a movie.

Were you an actor?

Oh, no, you didn't have to act. It was a blue movie.

What was that like?

Cold.

Look, do you mind if I warm this up?

No, no, no.

Oh, thanks very much.

Got all the gear in there, look.

About the job.

Yeah, sorry.

Carry on.

What do you know about it?

Well, it's gardening, isn't it?

Landscape gardening.

What's the difference?

Well, it's quite a lot, actually.

There's design.

Can't help you there, now. No, no, no, no. I see to all that. But there's a

certain amount of construction work.

Rockeries, patios, pathways.

Post -gardening, eh? In a way, sometimes.

See, now you might be talking about construction, I mean. I used to be on

building trade once.

Oh.

For how long?

Six weeks.

And what about gardening per se?

Pooh.

As such?

I was in the parks one summer.

Oh, excellent.

That's only picking up the paper, mind.

Still, I suppose it's all really a matter of common sense, isn't it?

I mean, you dig the holes, stick the plants in, and then the plants grow.

Oh, is it that simple?

You see, if I stick plants in holes for a customer, and those plants don't grow,

the customer tends to blame me.

What about the dogs?

Dogs? The customer has a dog, the dog tittles on the plants...

Oh, that's not your fault, is it?

You're a gardener, not a dog handler.

That's great, Gardner. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

I suppose you'll be seeing others.

Five or six.

Oh,

there she goes.

On the dot.

Look, do you mind if I feed her out there? Then I'll come in and clear all

away and be off.

Well, there's nowhere to sit down out there. You'd better bring her in here.

Thanks very much.

All right, all right. Here she is.

All right, all right.

Right little guzzler, aren't you, Alana, eh?

But you didn't give him the job.

I've got three other blokes coming tomorrow.

I can't not see them.

But he came top of today's list.

Yes, I liked him.

Just wish I was sure he didn't bring that baby deliberately.

If I see him again, I've got a suspicion he'll bring along his old granny in a

wheelchair.

What was the baby like?

Oh, all right, you know.

In a boat sheet sort of way.

I think I'd like a baby.

You didn't hear what I said?

Yes. Well, say something.

You're too old.

I am not.

You're sure?

Well, of course I'm sure, women these days.

It's just the point. If I wait any longer, I will be too old.

There you are, then.

If there I am, then what?

What? What point are you making?

Well, that's no reason, is it?

It's like swilling down a pint of beer that you don't really want because you

know the barman's about to call time.

What a charming analogy.

You know what I mean.

Yes, I do know what you mean. You're wrong with more to it than that.

You never mentioned babies.

When? And we got together.

Well, I don't remember you issuing a tight list of preconditions for our

relationship. You don't, do you? No, you don't. You just cross your fingers and

hope everything will turn out all right.

Everything is all right, isn't it? Yes.

Well, then, why go mucking about? I'm not mucking about with anything.

I thought we were all right as we are. Well, we are all right as we are. Well,

then. Well, they could be better.

By having a baby. Well, don't make it seem so incredible.

I can't see us with a baby.

Can you honestly see us with a baby?

My God, we're a big enough shambles on our own.

So you think our relationship's a shambles?

No. That's what you said? I didn't mean that.

What I meant to say was that we haven't been together all that long, and it's

been a bit of a bumpy ride, and I don't think you've solved anything by throwing

babies into the arena. I'm not throwing babies into the arena. I just said I

think I'd like one. Ah, there you go. Think.

Can't take a baby back to the shop, you know.

Not that one on approval.

I love you when you're being constructive.

If you want the truth, I think of just being broody.

Oh, I'm not a hen. Helen said that. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha what?

Well, that's it, isn't it?

Helen's having a baby, so you want a baby.

It's like a sister wanting a sister's toys. I never wanted one of her toys. I

never wanted a single one of her toys. She always wanted mine.

And she got them.

Laurie, don't be mean. Share your toys with Helen. She's only a baby.

Never had any toys when I was a child.

Carboard shoebox and the end of a piece of string.

That's all I had. Don't start all that orphanage stuff.

Got left out in the rain.

Disintegrated. I don't believe you were ever in an orphanage.

I think you're really the son of a nobleman and you're travelling the

world disguised as a landscape gardener before you go back to claim your

inheritance.

Had some soldiers.

The reds dropped off.

I had some soldiers.

I thought little girls played with dolls.

No, not all little girls.

Some little girls develop maternal instincts quite late on in life. You

you got me off the subject, didn't you? We have discussed the subject. You think

so? Not tonight, at least.

Sleep tight.

Paul Jones.

Who? I think it was John Paul Jones.

What about him? Who said, I have not yet begun to fight.

Come in.

Mr. Thelway?

Yes? Wilfred Robinson.

Oh. How do you do?

Please.

Sit down. Thank you.

I'm sorry everything's in such a mess.

Now then, Mr.

Robinson, what can I do for you?

Quite a lot, I hope.

Good, good.

So, big job, is it?

Well, that's rather for you to say.

Well, I can't until I know what it is.

But you advertised.

Well, I'm in the Yellow Pages, yes, but that doesn't make me a mind reader.

I can't forecast what sort of jobs people want.

The job, Mr. Selway.

Did you say Yellow Pages?

Yes. Ah, I was referring to the advertisement of the job centre.

You mean... You've come after the job here?

Yes.

Oh, I'm so sorry. My wife said that I should have worn a cardigan. No, no,

You look very nice.

Thank you very much.

You don't want to work here.

I do.

But what did you do before?

I was personnel manager for a large manufacturing company, but not to put

fine a point on it, the last thing that company manufactured was total collapse.

Surely, with qualifications like that... Please, I don't want to be rude, Mr.

Selway, but surely with qualifications like that, let's assume the proportions

of a conversational death knell. I'm 50 years old, and 50 -year -old middle

managers are only minimally less in demand than hula hoops.

You've seen the way that I'm offering?

Yes. You must have got more than that in luncheon vouchers.

One must adapt.

Look, be honest, Mr. Robinson.

What do you know about gardening?

A little.

Before we moved, we had a fair -sized garden, which we tended ourselves.

And what do you call fair -sized?

Two acres.

I know it said...

assistant horticulturalist in the advertisement, but when you come down to

it's just really labouring. Oh, I realise that.

I'm very fit.

Well... Look, I won't take up any more of your time, Mr Selway. I do have other

applicants to see.

I can, of course, furnish excellent references, if necessary.

Oh, thank you for seeing me.

Goodbye.

It's just that I would like to go home again in the evenings and be able to say

I've been to work.

Hello, dear.

Just wondering if there was any news.

He really meant it, you see.

I nearly ran after him and offered him the job on the spot.

But then young Terry turned up and I like him as well.

I didn't bring the baby with him this time, did I?

Hit me in the box, Phil. We're not allowed to mention babies here.

Well, I think you should give Mr. Robinson the job. He sounds cuddly. I'm

hiring somebody to cuddle. You cuddle babies.

You go for the younger one. What's the thing about old dogs, new tricks? Well,

it's wrong. Older men are steadier, more reliable.

What do you know about older men?

I'm married to one.

Well,

anybody over 30 these days is positively geriatric.

on the scrappy, but 50.

Yes, that's what I thought. Well, personally, I'm firmly resolved to be on

scrappy, but 50. And what do you intend to live on?

Charity for my adoring children.

Sorry.

It's no work.

Keep tossing up.

I wish King Solomon was in the phone book.

What do you think, Laura?

I thought you'd become very good at making quick decisions.

Well, toss up, then. Spin a coin.

Oh, it's no good spinning a coin over big decisions.

Always lands on a tuft of carpet so that it's not quite flat.

Mr. Robinson must have an awful lot of business experience.

Yes, but in personnel. If I took him on, the only personnel I'd have would be

him. Well, he can take his problems to himself. You go for young Terry.

But he doesn't know the first thing about gardening. Well, I shouldn't think

Robinson knows much about getting his hands dirty. Oh, I don't know.

Oh, I didn't think it would be this difficult.

And they're the pick of the bunch.

Personnel manager and a blue movie star.

Yes, I do.

Well, I wouldn't let emotion get into things. Let emotion get into things that

cloud your judgment.

I do wish you'd play another record.

Certainly.

What would you like?

Everybody loves my baby.

I'd better gladly call Ryan, huh?

I heard them go.

Yes, well, you can pack just so many laughs into one evening.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mike.

It was Charlie.

Oh, I didn't mean to use that word on purpose.

Oh, well, we've had it now.

Crop up all over the place.

The old film on television tonight is bringing up baby.

Well, anyway, I'm sorry. It wasn't fair to snipe at you in front of Phil and

Helen. It's just babyish.

Silly. Yes, well, I didn't exactly jolly things along, did I?

Journeying on about who should get the job.

Actually, I've decided.

Oh.

Which one are you crossing your fingers for? Both of them.

That's prophetic.

Why? I'm going to take both of them on.

Oh, you're not just being kind, are you?

No, no, I started thinking.

I keep talking about expanding, but how can I expand?

If all the time I'm offered lots of work, I'm too busy to accept it. A

manager in a blue movie, staff.

X. Trust you to take on staff like that.

True.

Blue movies?

I don't think he did it just for fun.

I think he did it... I think he did it for his little girl.

Perhaps if we ran out and down the street shouting at the top of our

baby, we might be able to forget all about it. Oh, dear.

What? Well, I haven't forgotten all about it, Mike.

I'm sorry that I make it the sole topic of conversation.

Wishful thinking on my part. I'm afraid so.

It was John Paul Jones. I looked it up.

Let's go to bed.

This thing's between us now, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

I didn't mean it to be.

I know that.

Anyway, you might change your mind.

No, you might change yours.

Anyway, we're bound to sort things out.

Yes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

We two are just as prickly

as cactus plants.

Love hasn't got a chance.

This is a fine romance.