Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

Ah.

This is a fine romance.

Grilled mackerel with green gooseberry sauce.

With what?

Green gooseberry sauce.

You don't think all this is going to make a rather heavy supper, do you?

I'm just looking.

I like looking.

No, well, the thing is, Mike, I think we should give it in a party.

Why? No reason, I'd just like to.

Oh. I can see you'd like to as well.

Well, you know, I'm not very keen on going to dues like that.

You wouldn't have to go anywhere.

You'd be there.

Here.

What would I have to do?

Nothing. Just be the host, hand out the drinks, keep the conversation flowing.

You don't have to say anything. Just ask them how they got here and they'll tell

you.

Biologically.

People love telling you which route they took and then one thing leads to

another and before you know where you are, you have them chatting away like

You've done this sort of thing before, haven't you? Well, you might have done

sometime. No.

I've always been the one who's been asked how he got here.

And I'm always the one who's bored everybody to death telling them.

It was never any fun giving dinner parties when I was on my own. Oh, no,

start all that. I'm not starting anything.

Well, I don't fancy that mackerel with the green gooseberry sauce.

Who should we ask?

Well, how many do you want?

Well, I thought asking four guests.

Well, Phil and Helen.

Yes, we must ask Phil and Helen.

I like Phil and Helen.

It's rather unimaginative, I suppose, asking your own sister, but we've had

of meals with them.

And they're nice people.

We must ask them.

Right, that's Phil and Helen for a start.

Right.

We must know somebody else.

Not couples. Perhaps you don't know couples till you are one.

Well, we are.

More or less.

Not long enough, maybe.

I suppose that's it.

Well, I'll ring Helen in the morning. I hope they can come.

Beginning to look essential.

Yes, we'd love to come, Laura.

No, Phil isn't standing beside me shaking his head.

Now, what have you decided to cook?

Ah.

No, that sounds lovely, except... you're not just being a little ambitious, are

you?

Not being a killjoy.

Of course your cooking isn't that awful. I just think with dinner parties, it's

best to cook something you've done before.

No, no, not egg and chips.

All right, you're the hostess.

See you Friday, then.

I've got to go. My ice cream's melting.

I wouldn't describe ice cream as a strange craving at all.

See you Friday. Bye.

Dalton. Laura Dalton.

We met at the trade conference at Bournemouth.

Is it interpreting Laura Dalton?

Oh, um, shortish.

Fair.

Or quite attractive, really.

Yes. Yes, that's right. I was the one that got stuck in the lift.

Yes, hello again.

Um, look, we said we'd ring and we wondered whether you and your, uh, Your

Frank. Frank, that's it, yes. If you'd like to come to dinner.

Next Friday.

You will?

Oh, good, about 7 .30.

No, look, I'll pop a little map in the post.

Yes, we look forward to seeing you. Oh, by the way, do you and Frank have any

hates in the eating line?

I mean in the vegetarian line.

Oh right.

We'll see you then.

Bye.

I said, what are you doing moving the furniture and why are you hoovering at

this time of the morning? It's tonight.

But that's 12 hours away. There are lots of things to do.

By the way, have you seen any napkin rings knocking about?

I've just got out of bed.

Are they generally knocking about?

I don't know. They must be somewhere.

Could you look?

Where? Well, if I knew where, I wouldn't ask you to look, would I?

Oh, don't bother. I'll buy some.

Why go spending money on napkin rings when we've got napkin rings? Because you

can't find them.

Have you got to get all that stuff?

Yes. For six people? You don't realise?

No.

What do we want six new dinner plates for? We've got dinner plates. They don't

match.

What's a bammari?

A kind of saucepan. Oh, I don't know.

Things to cook the food on, things to cook the food in.

You will be getting some food, will you?

Mike, please don't try and be funny. I've got two meals to think about.

Two? Yeah, Jill and Frank are vegetarians. Oh, that's no problem.

Just give them what we're having without the meat.

We're having casserole. What do you suggest I give them? A plate of gravy?

Now, we don't need five different sorts of cheese. Will you go away and leave me

to it?

What's a ramekin?

Ramekin? What about my breakfast? Oh, you can forget your breakfast.

I've no time to cook your breakfast.

I'm glad we don't do this sort of thing more often.

How's that? How's that?

What? It looks as though it's been hit by a bomb. Look, I'm preparing.

Before a state banquet. Oh, go to hell.

Well, I mean to say. What? What do you mean to say? It's just a little dinner

party. Bit of food, bit of wine. Drop, drop. Drop, drop, drop.

But you're turning it into an epic. Look, I just want everything to be

Surely you can understand that. I can.

But if you're in this sort of flap at 8 o 'clock in the morning, what are you

going to be like by tonight?

Organised, poised and calm. That sounds like a theory. Yes, it is a theory.

I don't suppose I'm allowed in there to make myself some breakfast.

No.

Oh, I'll scrounge some off Charlie. He's always got enough to feed a regiment.

Oh, and try and be early.

Why? To help.

I haven't got a dinner suit.

Mike!

Yes? Yes, I know. You just want it to be right. Yes. Well, it will be.

If in any way effort equals results, it'll be splendid.

You're just saying that.

I'm off now.

Oh, Mike, don't. Yes, yes, I'll be in early.

I'll see you later.

Bye.

Those napkin rings, are they wooden with a sort of... Flower? On the top, yes.

I have seen them. Where?

I can't remember.

Mike?

It's Charlie.

Oh, no. He collapsed.

I'll come with you.

I wish you would.

What are you doing here, anyway?

I wanted you to get the drink.

My mate is still ticking.

You're all out, you, aren't you?

How much do I owe you?

Four -fifty.

Call it a five.

No, we'll call it four -fifty.

I'll phone Charlie's sister. Is she coming? No.

She said with our legs, she can't even get past the front gate.

That means us.

Yeah.

Any news? No, they just didn't take any notice.

They should have started cooking by now.

But we don't know what's going to happen, do we?

We'll have to call it all off. We can't. Jill's at work. I don't know the

number.

I know.

Phone Helen and ask her to go round there and start the cooking.

The food's here.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wait, though. We could phone Helen, ask her to come here, pick up the key

and the shopping, then go round to the flat. Oh, no, no, no. You can't ask

guests to cook their own dinner.

Look,

there's no sense in both of us staying here. You go back.

No.

Charlie's on his own.

I wish somebody would come. Oh, so do I.

Are those for tonight?

What are

you

doing?

Well... We might as well do something.

until about 11.

Oh, not that far down.

I've peeled the potatoes.

We're having jacket potatoes.

Shall I put the peel back on again then?

Sorry, Mike.

Where's my pinning? Oh, I don't know.

You came in here, you said, you took your dress off and said, I've got to get

changed. And then you said, no, I'd better see to the meat and...

You're starting to panic, aren't you?

I'll lay the table.

Don't you want to go to the hospital?

No, they said in the morning. Anyway, they've got our number.

They might have let us see Charlie.

Oh, no.

Resting comfortably.

They always say that, don't they?

Well, they'd hardly say anyone was resting uncomfortably, would they?

Poor old Charlie. Oh, he'll be all right.

Yeah. He's as tough as old boots.

Please be tender.

What do you mean?

Just a bit late, that's all.

Ah, it's everybody.

Well, we all found ourselves coming to the same flat, so we thought it must be.

Come in, come in.

Hello,

I'm Mike.

Hello, I'm Phil.

This is Mike. Hello. Hello.

Well,

I must say you were easy to find.

What?

Oh, good.

How did you get here?

We drove.

Sit down.

Well, this is all very nice, isn't it?

Oh, yes.

Yes, jolly nice. Jolly nice.

Well, I was just going to say to Fred, Frank, that we were easy to find, then.

Oh, yes, very easy, actually.

It only took us just under an hour from Chorley Wood.

Really? Well, of course, it's quicker in the evenings.

Well, the traffic's lighter there, isn't it?

Yes, yes, it is.

Oh,

or earlier in the morning.

The traffic.

Oh, uh... I guess it is lighter in the mornings.

Shall I give Laura a hand? No, no, no.

She'll be out in a minute.

Oh, but I'm starving.

Oh, my.

I could eat a horse.

Hello. Sorry.

A few little things to do. Are you sure you don't want a hand?

No, really. No rush.

Hello. Oh, hello, Phil.

Hello, Jill. Nice to see you. You too.

I'm sorry I didn't remember you at first.

Moira, this is Frank.

Hello.

I'm glad you could come.

How did you get here?

We drove.

It only took us about 50 minutes.

And that's from Chorley Wood.

That's good, isn't it?

Isn't that good?

There's plenty to eat.

We're all starving.

Good.

It'll only be a couple of hours.

Good idea. I hate going somewhere and sitting straight down to eat.

Much more civilised to have a chat first.

Well, that's what we thought.

Didn't we, Mike?

What?

Yes.

Mike, you didn't give anyone a drink.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm so sorry. We got chatting about the traffic and so on.

Now then, what would everybody like?

Oh, um, a dry sherry, please.

Fine. Helen? Gin and tonic, please. Gin and tonic? Me too. Two gin and tonics,

one dry sherry, and, uh, for a prank, may I have a small scotch? One dry

two gin and tonics, and one small scotch. Coming up.

It's not your fault.

It's Charlie, you see.

He works for me, and he was taken ill, and we had to go to the hospital with

him, and it took hours.

Oh, dear. Oh, Laura, you should have put it... Oh, we couldn't. Now, I bet

you've all completely gone off the idea of eating altogether.

No. Oh, no.

It was an edge of the appetite, a bit of a weight.

Poor old Charlie.

What's wrong with him, Mike?

Ticker.

Oh, dear.

Funny things, hearts.

Take them for granted as long as they're working, don't you? You do.

And then pop.

He's not that old, is he?

You don't have to be that old.

That's true.

It's like a single -engine aeroplane. If the engine fails, it... Could

happen to any one of us.

No, no, no, no.

It was good of you to call.

I see.

Yes, I'll come right over.

Thank you for calling.

Yes, goodbye.

Charlie.

Yes, he's worse.

I'm sorry, Laura, I'll have to go.

It's all right, I'll come with you. Oh.

Shall we all go?

Oh, this is terrible.

Just bad luck. Yes, look, we'll... No, look, the food's here. You must eat

There's plenty to drink now. Look, you... Do go.

We'll dish it up for ourselves.

Yeah, we'll be all right. We'll be back before you know it.

Come on, come on.

Let me hide myself in thee.

And the water and the blood.

Wasn't hospital ghost, was it?

I thought it was afternoon you were singing that then.

Let's cheer everybody up. No end. No end.

What time is it? Half past twelve.

We couldn't let Charlie think he was on his own.

No, of course not.

I could murder some bread and treacle now.

Why bread and treacle?

I don't know.

May I come to the salway? No, we're not asking. Yes, if you like.

How is he?

Still in ICU, but stabilised. What's that supposed to mean?

He's a man, not a car. In for service.

Oh, sorry.

But Mr Painter is still in the intensive care unit.

But his condition has stabilised, and we think he's out of any immediate danger.

Oh, thank goodness.

Can we see him?

Perhaps tomorrow.

He's resting comfortably at the moment.

Well, it was very good of you to wait.

Oh, we weren't doing anything special.

If you'd like to ring sister in the morning, then. Oh, thank you. And do

Charlie our best, will you? Of course.

Goodbye. Good night. Good night. Thank you.

He only looked about 16.

Oh, no.

I feel out of the 90s.

It's not surprising, is it?

We spent most of the day charging about like lunatics.

While Charlie has spent most of the day doing what he normally does, resting

comfortably.

Come on, we'd better get back to your dinner party. Oh, they'll have all gone

home by now.

I hope they've washed up.

Just a minute.

You haven't waited dinner. It'll be ruined.

No, I just added the finishing touches and we ate it. And I must say, Moira, it

was delicious.

The wine, Mike, the wine.

I must say you chose very well that. I thought we'd like it. Yeah, it was mushy

already. We've done the washing up as well.

Oh, but it was his idea.

Oh, the great feed contest. Well, I won.

I haven't laughed so much for ages.

I'm sorry, that sounds awful. No, we wanted you to laugh.

Would you like some... Oh, no, honestly, I'm past eating now. Oh, I'd love a

brandy. No, no, I'll do it. You sit down.

Anyone else?

No, well, actually, Frank, we really ought to be going.

Oh,

no, you're not all going to go. We really must. We just wanted to see you

Oh.

I'll phone you tomorrow, Laura. Okay.

Goodbye, Moira.

Nice to meet you, Mike.

And thank you for a lovely dinner. We had a very enjoyable evening all

Very enjoyable.

Thank you.

You and Phil must come to us sometime.

Yes, we'd love to. Well, you do us, Frankie. Or both.

Or why not? Have you got your pen?

Indeed. Well, look, we'll give it up. We're going to get downstairs now.

Bye. Bye.

I tell you what, we're there. Come follow us.

I'm glad they enjoyed themselves.

Yes.

Would have been awful if it had been a total washout.

Yes.

Well, you heard what Frank said.

Very enjoyable evening.

Shame we missed it.

So we know what to do next time, don't we?

Prepare the dinner, then just clear off and leave them to it.

A fine romance with no... A

fine

romance with no...

I've got a charm.

It is a fine romance.