Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance.

With no nestlings We might as well play bridge with our maiden aunts Love

hasn't got a chance This is a fine romance

Oh, it's a sort of initiative test.

Where's Charlie? He's out on a job.

Oh, that's terrible.

Just when I knew him, he's out working.

Oh,

it's a better idea altogether.

A little bit.

I am, actually.

Ta -da!

Not that hungry?

Well, no, they're getting better all the time, your cake.

All the time, really.

I could be sent to prison for experimenting on you like this.

Mike, there's a course I'd like to go on.

Well, you don't have to go on a course.

I'm not really that fond of cake, anyway.

Oh, it's a cookery course.

Well, it's a seminar, really, for efficiency principles in stock control.

And it's international, and they need interpreters, and they've offered me a

job.

What is it?

Worthing.

It'd mean the weekend away, but the money's good. What do you think?

I don't have to ask my permission. I'm not asking your permission. I'm asking

you what you think.

Well, if the money's good.

You don't want me to go, do you?

It's up to you.

I don't have to go.

All right, then don't go.

I knew you didn't want me to.

I said it's up to you.

All right, I'll go then.

Fine. Fine.

More tea?

Yes, please.

Mostly blokes, I suppose, at this seminar, eh?

Mostly.

I can't see efficiency principles in stock control fascinating a lot of

Why don't I come with you?

I could do with a few days off work.

But I'll be working during the day.

Well, I could bring my bucket and spade.

It's pebbles at Worthing. All right, then, just my bucket. I can collect

pebbles. But I wouldn't want you to be bored.

You don't want me to go, do you?

I do.

I do.

I think it's a lovely idea.

I've been on this type of thing before and I've never had company.

You did when you went to Brussels.

And was that Ben?

Oh, yes.

But that was before we... Yes, I know.

That was a shambles.

Well, it won't be this...

It won't be this time, because you'll have Mr. Smooth along.

What on earth was that?

Mr. Smooth's mother has just fallen off two bales of peat.

Good afternoon,

sir. Madam, do you have any luggage?

Yes, in the back.

Excuse me, sir.

This. Yes? The car park is at the rear of the hotel.

Good.

Stick it round here for me, would you?

You have to get in the passenger side and climb across.

So watch your head.

Mike.

Hmm?

When I made the reservation, I thought... Well, we're Mr. and Mrs.

Why? Well... Oh, yes.

Probably just as well.

Good afternoon, madam. Good afternoon.

Sir, good afternoon.

We have a reservation, Mr and Mrs... Selway. Selway.

Yes, sir, if you care to register.

Room 504.

May I ask if either or both of you are here for the seminar?

Oh, yes, I am, actually.

Ah, then we have a lapel badge and itinerary for you.

Selway, Selway.

Laura Dalton, actually.

Laura Dalton. Yes.

I see.

It's a name I use sometimes. It's a professional name. Yes, of course.

There we are, Mrs Stirlway. Laura Dalton.

Well, he obviously knew. I'm well aware that he obviously knew.

I just don't enjoy all that male sniggery stuff, that's all.

Oh, I thought he was rather discreet.

You, I mean!

Oh.

I don't know what you've got to feel so aggrieved about.

You're the one who's here working.

So what does that make me?

A bit of fun for the weekend?

I'm the one they'll be sniggering at.

I'm the one they'll...

Don't whisper about it.

Fool.

Shall I slip into something comfortable?

I'd sooner you turn that mosaic off.

Oh, rather.

Mike, are you sure you're not going to be bored?

It's a pretty intensive schedule, you see. All day tomorrow, half a day

You don't have to eat with them, do you? Oh, no.

Well, we'll see one another for meals.

In evenings.

In nights.

You're making me sound like a dirty weekend.

Well, it doesn't have to be entirely clean, does it?

I'm glad you came.

Come in.

Yes, sir?

You rang for service, sir?

No.

Are you sure, sir?

Oh, yes, I'm sorry. I did ring.

Is there something I can get you, sir?

Well, yes. I don't suppose you could get a really good bottle of champagne at

this time of the afternoon, could you?

Certainly, sir.

You could have simply told him you pressed the wrong button.

Oh, we've already dropped one clanger. We don't want to get a reputation for

do we? I wonder how much a really good bottle of champagne costs.

I'll do something cheap tomorrow.

You may have to.

Good morning, sir.

Did you enjoy the champagne yesterday?

Oh, yes.

Yes, thanks very much.

What'll it be today, sir? Half a bitter, please.

Same again, George?

Right, sir.

About ten minutes, old man.

Sorry? They break for lunch in about ten minutes.

Oh.

How did you know I was waiting?

Oh, experience.

Veterans of a hundred seminars, aren't we, Chris?

Scarred. Scarred veterans.

Come and join us, do.

Well, yes, right, thanks.

Mike's away.

David Payne.

Chris Grover. Chris.

Cheers. Cheers.

Why do we do it? Do what? Let our wives talk us into coming to these things.

They're the interpreters. It's their job.

But we'll get bored when we're not working, they say.

We'll have the evenings together, they say.

And we fall for it. And here we sit, off -season ghosts, wishing we were

stronger willed.

Is your wife Weedle?

Yeah, my... No, no.

No, I volunteered.

You haven't been married long.

No.

Why do we do it? Men of straw.

Might volunteer.

Here they come.

Look here, why don't you and your wife join us for lunch? That's a good idea.

Perhaps some of your marital bliss might rub off.

Well, no, no, that's very kind, but we have to go somewhere.

Out.

Will you stop bundling me about?

I do not want to put my coat on and I do not want to go out and eat.

The pressure will do you good.

Did you see?

It's blowing a gale out there.

What's so wrong with eating here?

It's very expensive.

My lunch is already paid for. Well, I don't think the food's all that good.

said breakfast was delicious.

That was breakfast.

Doesn't mean to say they won't serve up an awful lunch. Now, come on. I will not

put my coat on. Oh, what's the use?

Mike!

What on earth's the matter?

Well... I got chatting to a couple of blokes down in a bar who are married to

two of the interpreters here, and they somehow...

automatically assumed that I was married as well.

And you somehow didn't tell them otherwise?

Well, there's no sense in going around shouting it from the rooftop. I didn't

mention rooftop.

Or I could go up and down the prom with a loudspeaker on top of the van.

Look, all I'm saying is that if the subject comes up, why pretend?

Ah, like you booking it in as Mr and Mrs Selway. Well, that was different. Ah,

yes, I thought it might be.

No, well, I booked it in as Mr and Mrs Selway to avoid...

Complications? Yes, well, that's why I went along with these floats, to avoid

complications.

Which is why we're sitting up here instead of down in the dining room like

normal people.

The whole thing's turning into a bit of a farce, isn't it?

What? Well, the way things are shaping up, there ought to be a vicar or a

maid under the bed.

I expect our exact relationship is vitally important to that number of

Look, let's just have lunch up here.

It's quite cosy, really.

And from now on, we'll just tell the truth.

How about that?

Yes. Why not?

Oh,

room service, please.

Room service?

This is Mr Selway's mistress in room 540.

Right, sir.

About half an hour if you're waiting for your lady, sir.

What's that supposed to mean?

The seminar, sir. The afternoon session's got about half an hour to go.

that. What's this your lady supposed to mean?

Just an expression.

Why use it on me?

I'm sorry, sir. I always say it. That's a damn silly thing to say.

I beg your pardon. I'll say wife in future, sir.

It's not really any of your business, is it?

Usual, George.

Hello, old man. Mind if we join you? No, no, no. Please do. Sit down.

I'm trained, sir. Oh, right.

Thanks. Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It wasn't fair, really.

That's all right, sir.

What's all that about?

Oh, nothing, really.

Getting to you, is it?

Well, as long as you don't start hallucinating.

I need to wear a decent oven for lunch.

No, we had lunch in our room, actually.

Good Lord.

Very romantic.

Write books like How to Keep Your Marriage Fresh.

Laura and I aren't married.

Oh. I should have told you that.

Jan and I aren't married either.

But you said... I know, I know.

Non -conformists trying to conform.

What about you?

Me?

Oh, yes, I'm married.

I'm married, all right.

Not to the girl I'm here with, though.

Mr. Selway, anywhere?

No, I'm sorry, madam, I haven't. I can find out for you. No, it's all right.

It's fine. Excuse me, but I just heard you speaking.

Yes? Your voice. It is the voice that has been speaking into my ear during the

conference. Oh, yes.

A very attractive voice.

Oh, thank you.

Could I ask a small favor?

Would you say, peut -être, for me?

What now?

Please.

Seems a bit silly.

Peut -être. There, it's all right.

You know, I have imagined during these very boring speeches how your lips would

form the world.

They form it beautifully.

Thank you. Would you favor me further by saying... Look,

why have I been bothering to translate English into French for you? You speak

English perfectly.

You know, these conferences can be so very tiresome.

So I prefer to close my eyes and listen to the voice in my ear.

To imagine the lips forming the world. The face encircling those lips.

The body. I don't think we should go on like this. But why not? Mrs. Mrs.

Mrs. Dalton. Mrs. Dalton.

She's just always in the bath.

Selway, to come over here, please.

Yes, of course.

And where is your Mr. Selway?

Is he perhaps a phantom? No, no, he is not a phantom.

He is just coming, and he has a very nasty temper.

Especially when he's smiling.

Well, may the French have a word for this defeat.

Hello.

Hello. Who's that?

Nobody.

Just somebody who liked the way I said, peut -être, that's all.

Peut -être?

That's perhaps, isn't it?

Perhaps to what?

I didn't say perhaps to anything.

Well, how is it he likes the way you say it, then? I was just translating for

him.

There's no need to glare.

Well, who does he think he is?

Catanova.

And who does he think you are?

Your mistress.

He does, does he? Well, I am. Yes, I know, but I just don't like the word.

Oh, there.

They're mistresses.

I don't know whether to feel insulted or flattered.

Flattered, madam.

That's how I feel.

There you are.

Would your lady like a drink, sir?

Yes.

My lady would like a drink.

Thank you.

Champagne?

Half a bitter.

They're the ones who said they were married.

You know, I get the distinct impression that we're the only respectable couple

around here.

Well, almost.

Shall we go out to dinner tonight?

The way I see it is this.

We've already blown half of your pay on one bottle of good champagne. Why not

let's blow the other half on another bottle and have dinner in our room?

Oh, peut -être.

But we're as cold as yesterday's Nashville pubs.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no nestling. We two are just as

prickly as cactus plants.

Love hasn't got a chance.

This is a fine romance.