Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling. A

fine romance with no...

Not a chance.

This is a fine romance.

You didn't have to get up.

Oh, no, I, uh, I heard you in the bathroom. I thought I would.

This morning sickness, you know, it's nothing to worry about.

I'm not worried about it. I'm just not terribly keen on it.

No, it says here it's usually associated with a high hormone level during

pregnancy. Doesn't it? Yes, especially that of progesterone. Really?

Yes, you mustn't worry, though, because it says here that the vomiting usually

starts to decrease spontaneously about the tenth week of pregnancy.

And it's usually finished completely by the end of the 14th week.

Are you making tea?

What? Oh.

You

are

sweet, you know. Drink it up.

my tea. Yeah, I know.

But I don't take sugar.

I know. Then why did you put it in there?

Because it says here a small amount of some bland fluid, usually sweetened tea

with a bit of... Give me that.

It says here that one of the best methods of controlling the sickness is

a small drink of some bland fluid and so on and so on. I know. But I've already

been sick.

What's the point of trying to make me drink this to control it when I've

done it? Oh, I see.

Well, I'll wake you up with a cup tomorrow.

You will not.

Cougar in my tea makes me feel sick.

It's a vicious circle, isn't it?

It's a terrible responsibility, isn't it? Being the only couple in the world

ever to have a baby.

Ah, ah, ah.

What's in the post?

Oh, nothing very... There is.

There's a card from your mum and dad.

Oh.

They're coming up tomorrow.

Oh, right.

Now, wait a minute. This was posted yesterday.

So tomorrow isn't tomorrow. It's today. They're coming up today.

You're right. It happened.

Yes.

What's the matter? It's the PS looking forward to meeting Mike.

Well, they would be.

Yes.

Well, they must know about him by now.

Yes, but knowing about Mike and meeting him aren't the same thing.

I'd better phone Laura.

What are you going to do? Get her to hide him under the floorboards till they

come? I'd better phone Laura.

It's only a meeting.

They never met me till they met me, have they?

Well, they couldn't have, really, could they? You know what I mean.

Yes, but you had the meeting out of your hand in five minutes flat.

True.

Still, they're not ogres, are they?

If their eldest daughter's finally found herself a bloke, they're obviously

going to want to meet him.

Yeah. See what he's like.

Yeah. That's very early.

I know.

It's just a meeting.

I know.

I think we'd better phone Laura.

Did you walk?

No, I took the van.

I was stuck in first gear.

I was being overtaken by children on skates.

I've been wanting you to meet them.

I've been meaning to ask them up, but you know how time slips by.

Oh, yes, it does. It does slip by.

Still, it solves the problem, doesn't it? Oh, absolutely.

Perfect, really.

Yes.

I've been wanting to meet them.

You could phone Helen and say we've got to go somewhere.

No, that would only be putting it off.

You're right.

You don't have to apologise for having parents.

Oh, no. No, they're very nice, actually.

Why are you looking so gloomy, then?

I'm thinking of you.

Oh, thanks.

Look,

meeting people isn't your favourite sport at the best of times, let alone

parents.

You don't think they'll like me? Well, I didn't say that. Approve of me. Oh!

Anyway, it's not up to them whether to approve or disapprove. I mean, here we

are, together.

I don't know, Mike.

It's me.

I've never quite fitted their picture of a daughter, especially with Helen as a

sort of definitive addition.

Oh, blow it!

It's not as though you were some pimply youth asking for my hand, is it?

Right.

Actually, I was very lucky with pimples.

Were you?

Yes, I only ever had one.

It was about that big.

up in a torn singlet or carrying a crate of brown ale underneath your arm. I

just don't want you to do anything. Just be yourself. Be relaxed about the whole

thing. Like you are. Oh, this is silly.

What were we going to do this afternoon?

Nothing. Exactly.

And suddenly it seems as though it's going to be the most attractive

there ever was.

So, I'd better have a look at the van.

Can you fix it?

I hope so.

First impressions, you know.

Even if I did fix it. Yes, we'd better go by bus.

Yeah, better.

It's very nice, Dad, but don't you think it's a bit previous?

I told him he wouldn't let him. There's no harm getting the boy off on the right

foot. But you don't know it's going to be a boy.

Phil seems very confident.

Does he? Yes.

We're going to call him Bill.

After Bill Belmont. Naturally.

does it. I'm going to have a girl. Quite right.

And she won't grow up to be England's first woman prop forward.

Whatever they think.

William Beaumont Barker.

I like that.

I'm going to get lunch.

I give you a hand, dear.

What time are Laura and her young man coming?

Young man?

Well, what do you call him?

Mike.

Don't be Hilly Helen.

But none of us are quite sure what to call him.

Well, I thought we settled on friend.

Friend? Oh, come on.

She worries.

Well, they do.

I mean, is Laura happy?

Well, you're worried as well.

She's got the brains, Laura. But with people, well, nothing's ever been easy.

Well, I get the same feeling about Mike.

What? No, he's a good enough bloke.

Uh, it's a bit weird.

Weird? Well, no, not weird.

Odd. Odd?

No, not odd, exactly.

What's the word I'm looking for?

I shudder to think.

How much do you really know about it?

Well, let's see.

Very little, really.

May I have a drink?

Yes, of course.

Hurry up.

Hello, Laura.

Hello, Phil.

Hello, Daddy. Hello, Dumpling.

Where's Mike?

Ah, he got left on the bus.

He did what?

Well, I know it sounds silly, but we were getting off the bus and there was a

lady getting on with the pram and he got on to help her with the pram and the

bus pulled away before he could get on.

I see.

Your friend?

He got left on the bus.

Did you have him wrapped in something?

No.

He was just helping a lady with a pushchair. A pram? A pram, a pushchair,

didn't get off in time.

Couldn't he have rung the bell?

I don't think he thought of that.

Well, he'll get off at the next stop. Oh, well, Mike.

Why didn't he get off at the same stop as you?

It's a long story.

Well, let's have a drink. This will be it.

What do you think of your little sister, then?

She's all right.

The baby!

Oh, the baby!

Oh, well, I'm quite pleased, actually.

I'm glad one of our daughters is giving us a grandchild.

I've hardly got through the door.

talking about the baby.

We've got months to talk about the baby. Let's talk about something more

interesting. Let's talk about Mike and Laura.

If we talk about Mike, we'll be talking about him behind his back because he got

left on the bus.

Still no sign of him.

Doesn't he have a car?

He has a van.

A van?

Yes.

But it's stuck in first gear at the moment.

I see.

He would have got off at the next stop, wouldn't he? Of course he would.

Well, where is he?

I don't know.

He wouldn't have repeated the pram thing, would he?

He does not go around looking for people with prams to help on to buses.

Well, where is he? Oh, I wish you'd think of another question.

Your manners don't improve with age, Laura.

Well, neither does your imagination. If all you're going to give is age, well,

where is he?

I'm sorry.

I just don't want Helen's lunch to spoil.

Mum, it's salad.

It can't spoil.

You always go to so much trouble.

Look here.

How far away is the next bus stop?

About half a mile, I suppose.

Oh, there he is.

Nosebleed. Bathroom.

Stop.

Yes, I think so.

Stop. Yes, I think so.

Oh,

thanks.

I've got blood on my tie, too.

I'll just pop back to men's wear.

Oh, what an entrance. What a sham. What happened?

I helped the lady on with the bra. No, no, after that.

I wanted to get off at the next stop.

But by that time, the conductor wanted the excess fare, you see.

Well, I didn't have any change. I only had a five pound note.

So he got a bit stroppy and there was a sort of a scuffle.

You didn't fight the conductor?

No.

It was the chap in the Trilby who said I shouldn't have to pay the excess fare

anyway because the conductor should have stopped the bus to let me get off after

I helped the lady on with the pram. Why was your nose bleeding?

Because the conductor lunged at the chap.

In the trilby, he was taking my part in the argument.

And the chap in the trilby put his arm up to defend himself and hit me in the

nose with his elbow.

Oh, dear, indeed.

I've got things off to a really good start, haven't I?

Oh, it's not your fault.

Oh, what is it, then?

The way of things.

What happened with your nose, Mike? Oh, well, there was this chap who was taking

my part in a row.

Hit me in the nose with his elbow.

Yes, but...

No, I won't ask. Look, I'm on your side, you know, both of you.

It's a little bit hairy to start with.

It's relaxed.

Oh, that's what I said this morning.

We are then. It's easy to say.

Just now I feel more relaxed than I was going to nosedive off the fourth bridge.

Don't tell him you're coming.

Oh, I shouldn't. The way things are going, I should probably fall down the

stairs.

Favouritism? I've never shown favouritism to either of my children in

Mum, and it's me, and you're still doing it. Oh, this isn't Helen Wonderful for

giving me a grandchild.

Well, you are giving me a grandchild. Yes, I know, but it's not a present.

Now, come on, be good. This is difficult enough for Laura as it is.

It's not of our making entirely.

If Laura will move in with some fellow who can't even get off a bus.

Dad, one more mention of that and your grandchild of whatever sex. will never

allowed near a rugby ball in his or her life, and that's a problem.

They're coming down.

Here they are. Yes, here they are.

Well, Mum, Dad, this is Mike.

Mike?

Mrs. Dalton?

Mike? Mr. Dalton?

This is delicious, Helen. Good.

Of course, Laura's cooking was always very nice, too.

It was horrible.

Not all of it.

You used to make me little jam tarts.

Dirty little fingerprints all over the place.

Did you eat them?

Some of them.

Laura's chips are very good, you know. Very good indeed.

Well, there you are, then.

So, Mike.

Yes?

That's a rugby club tie, isn't it? Is it?

Is it?

I don't know.

What? I lent it to Mike.

His was a bit gory.

From the nose.

Do you often get nosebleeds?

No, only when I get elbowed in the face.

I see.

Have you ever played rugby, Mike? No.

incident. What is it?

Well, I was just thinking that Mike and Laura first met in this very house.

So they did.

You did, didn't you?

Yes, we did.

We did.

We couldn't stand the sight of each other at first, but then we got chatting

the bedroom and... We are

very broad -minded.

How long have you been living together?

About a month.

And if either of you have anything to say about it, I think you should just

it now.

No, no.

As long as you're happy.

People do nowadays.

Some of them.

Well, hello and I would be, if we weren't married.

What, we?

We would be if we hadn't decided to get married.

But you did decide.

Well, bully for them.

A change of subject. Yes, lads.

What about your parents, Mike? Where do they live?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Not in a handbag at Victoria Stairs.

Just left.

I'm so sorry.

Have you no idea who they were?

No. A man and a woman, presumably.

Oh, my.

It's all right.

It's not. It's sad.

I'm so sorry.

Poor old fellow.

Whose idea was it to change the subject?

Certainly cheered things up, didn't it?

Thanks for the shirt and tie, too.

I'll pick mine up at the weekend.

Goodbye, my dear.

You will come and see us soon, won't you? Thanks, Alice. We'd love to.

old chap.

Nice to know our law is in such good hands. Cheers, Tom.

Bye.

I could just never have imagined you calling them Alice and Tom. Well, they

asked me to.

I could never have imagined that either.

Certainly warmed up after lunch, didn't they?

Of course, I'd like to think it was my personal charm that finally won them

over.

If I'm to be honest, it was the orphanage that was my trump card.

Yes, you must remember that for the future. Perhaps I should have tried it

the bus conductor.

Well, what are we going to do this evening?

What are we going to do this afternoon?

Nothing. Let's do that.

Good idea.

Oh.

Ah, they are nice, you know.

Your mum and dad. Yes, I know. It's just that they... They worry about you.

Well, with good reason, I suppose. I know I've been a disappointment.

But they make not giving them grandchildren sound like pure meanness

Let's face it, anyone who had Helen for a sister was.

Terrific competition, isn't it?

If she wasn't so nice, I'd really hate her.

Ah, you're better.

Hi, sir.

No, better.

If you get something right, it's not because of any intrinsic rightness in

It's because you've tried.

Is that profound?

Oh, I don't know. I'll tell you something.

Profound? Not very.

You know, I feel really mean about being so jealous of Helen.

I mean, she's favourite. Somebody has to be, but we both had lots of love.

You couldn't have.

Oh, yes, I did.

Just some different people, that's all.

Auntie this, Mrs that.

We're not the same people all the time, though.

Kingsley Amos was a Bernardo boy, you know.

What?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

It was Leslie Thomas, that's all.

You know, you've never really talked much about it.

I'm to be truthful, I don't remember much about being a child.

I remember more about being a grown -up, really. You must remember something.

Yeah.

There was a Christmas.

I must have been about six.

And we were all taken to a big store to see Father Christmas.

He smelt of peppermint.

I was quite frightened in his grotto because it was quite dim in there.

Anyway, he sat me on his knee and he asked me what I'd like most in the world

for Christmas.

And do you know what I asked for?

Mother and father?

No, a licky coat for my licky bare back and a pair of shoes for my licky bare

feet. Oh, Judy!

A fine romance with no thinking.

Taking to a life of happiness up in my head.

A fine

romance

with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no nestling. We two are just as prickly

as cactus plants.

I haven't got a charm.

It is a fine romance.