Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yet it is, Matt Patato.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine...

Got a charm.

This is a fine romance.

Uh, Mr.

Inneson?

I can't make up my mind. I really can't.

Oh, no.

A three -seater's all we need, but a three -seater doesn't cost that much

You do have the advantage of an extra seat.

Well, that's obvious, I suppose.

The loose covers are pretty, too, and practical. I mean, when they're dirty,

just take them off and wash them.

On the other hand, we're not that dirty.

I mean, you wouldn't really describe me as a really dirty woman, would you?

I'm sorry, I... I thought... I thought... I've just been talking to a

stranger. Oh, yes?

What did he think? Well, I wasn't asking his advice. I thought it was you, you,

who was supposed to be helping me choose. I already have. I told you an

which one I liked. Well, show me again.

I'm sitting on it.

What?

This one? You like this one?

Yes. Are you sure?

Positive.

Well, you like this one best?

Yes. Well, don't get ratty with me.

For God's sake.

You plumped for this one in the first place.

Since then, you've been wandering around like Winnie the Pooh in a honey shop.

Do you really like this one best?

All right, all right, all right, all right. We'll have it.

We'll have it.

Excuse me.

Yes, sir, may I help? Oh, yes, thank you very much. I would like to buy this

sofa. Excellent choice, sir.

I saw it first. I like it.

Just pay attention to this gentleman, madam. I'll be with you in a moment. I'm

with this gentleman.

Oh, I see.

Sorry.

You'd like to come to the desk?

There we are.

May I have the name, please?

Selway... Is that a hyphen, isn't it?

Well, it's a joint by, you see.

Just put down Selway...

What's that called?

Oblique. Oblique. So we're oblique, Dalton.

Thank you.

And will it be cash or cheque?

Cheque. Two cheques. One each.

And the address?

Or addresses?

Well, no, you've no need to deliver.

You see, I've got the van outside. We can take it with us. I'm sorry, sir, no.

We shall have to order you one. But the one we want is over there. Yes, but we

can't let you take it.

What, cemented to the floor or something, is it?

You see, that sofa's advertised in the local press, so we're required to have

one on display in the shop at all times.

It's the darstvest thing I've ever heard. We can order one from the

and deliver it to you in a couple of days. How many days?

Six to eight weeks.

Six to eight weeks?

Thank you.

No, madam.

Wapping. Well, that's not too far. I mean, we could drive down to the

I'm sorry, sir, you can't buy direct from the warehouse. I see. So it takes

lorries two months to get from Wapping to Fulham. Is that right? Oh, of course

not.

There are channels, you know. Yes, the English channel. Perhaps it goes

backwards and forwards a few times per week.

Urgent on your order. Oh, terrific. I think you'd better just forget all about

it. No!

Well, it's ridiculous having to wait six times.

I'm not going to wait six to eight weeks. The sofa I want is here in front

me, and I want it now. I'm afraid it's quite out of the question. I'm sorry,

madam. Well, you will be, because I'm not leaving this store unless this sofa

goes with me.

I wish you'd stop singing that song. I have to now.

I'm out of breath.

I shall never enjoy the last night of the proms again.

Well, it's a hymn to victory, isn't it?

In this case, the victory of the little man.

Little woman.

I had nothing to do in it.

Very true. You just stood around pretending you weren't with me.

Managers being called, security men being called.

Hours we were there.

Oh, and all those people, crowds gathering.

We got the sofa, though.

Oh, I hate scenes.

I was never involved in scenes before I met you.

I always thought you were the quiet type. I do have a boiling point.

Yes, about two degrees.

Well, Nana, you go and make the coffee.

And I have rearranged the furniture.

And then we'll have dinner and then we'll do something extraordinarily

Like sitting in the cemetery across the road.

What

are

you going to do with the old sofa?

Put it in the bedroom.

I like the sofa in the bedroom.

Just a minute.

You had a sofa in the bedroom of your old flat.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. I did not.

Yes, you did. It had a wooden back on it.

I distinctly remember that because I banged my head on it once.

Oh, that sofa.

Yes, that sofa.

Oh, where is it? Where's it gone to? Well, you know what moving's like. You

know, odd little things that may never turn up. A sofa is not an odd little

thing.

it looks best there? I remember not seeing it now.

You can't remember not seeing something.

Do you think it looks best here?

There was a table.

A little table.

Look, I do wish you'd come and help me with this. Mike?

Mike?

Or here? What about here?

That's not here either.

No, I think it's probably best there.

There was a lamp.

A small lamp. That's not... I don't know what you're making all the fuss about.

Oh, that's rich.

Coming from somebody who's just caused a riot in a furniture shop. Now, that's

what all this is about, isn't it? Now, you're just making a fuss about a few

little bits and pieces that didn't turn up in the move because you know you

should have made a big fuss in the furniture shop. No, no, no, it's not

all. Yes, it is. You're ashamed, and now you're taking it out on me. I am not

taking anything out on you. Yes, you are. I am not. I just fail to see why

you're not even vaguely curious as to why half your furniture has disappeared

between your old flat and this one. Well, perhaps it was a...

I can't take late nights the way I used to.

Poor soul.

What time did we get to bed last night, anyway?

About two.

What time did we get to sleep?

About four.

Oh, hello,

Mike. Oh, you're off. May I come in?

I just wanted to catch you before you went to work.

No, you haven't. Sit down. Hello, Mike.

No, no, no. No, I'll keep you a minute.

I, uh... I just want to ask you a question.

Sure.

Do you happen to remember the name of the removal firm that moved Laura?

Do we what?

Do you happen to remember... Thanks. Do you happen to remember the name... Yes,

yes, yes, I heard you. But why ask her? Because I want to know.

But why not ask Laura?

I did.

And? She won't tell me.

Well, maybe the stuff hasn't been pinched, but it's certainly gone

What stuff? Oh, a bit.

Well, I'm not giving up.

Oh, quite.

Laura wants you to give something up.

Yeah, well, so she says.

But that's not like her at all, really, is it?

You should have seen her in the furniture shop.

Should we? Yes.

Now, there's something I haven't considered.

It could just have got left behind.

Could it? Yeah.

The stuff.

And the new people have kept it and not said a word about it.

Now, that really is charming, isn't it?

Terrible. What is?

Them.

On the other hand, of course, they might not have it at all, in which case I

shall look a real fool.

But it's worth a try, isn't it?

Certainly.

I think I'll get round there now.

Soon as possible, I think.

Thanks very much for your help. I'll let you know how I get on. Good luck.

I'll tell you something, though.

There's something very fishy about all this.

Very fishy.

What on earth was he talking about?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Then why did you keep agreeing with him?

Because it was easier than trying to understand him.

It was gibberish, wasn't it?

Yes, but my sister is involved.

Probably why it was gibberish.

Oh, now, that's not fair.

Laura is basically a very level -headed person. Oh, no.

Where did Mike go?

I saw the van.

Well, why didn't you stop him? I couldn't. I was hiding behind a hedge.

I didn't say a word.

What about?

Laura? Yes? Why were you hiding behind the hedge? I didn't want Mike to see me.

Are you two in some sort of trouble?

Well, we wouldn't be if he'd stopped acting like Sherlock Holmes.

Did he ask you the name of the removal firm? Yes, he did.

You didn't tell him, did you? No, we'd forgotten.

Oh, thank goodness. That's a dead end, then.

Laura, will you sit down, have some coffee and put us out of our misery?

Oh, sorry.

Oh.

Well?

I can't say anything.

Take back the coffee. No, no, no. Let's just say that I've done something and

maybe it was very silly.

Very probably, I should think. Phil? Well, two ludicrous conversations before

I'm even awake in the morning.

Not as much as I can stand. Well, sorry, sorry, but if Mike's gone to work, then

that's all there is about you. No, I don't think he was going to work.

What? No, he said something about... It could have got left behind, and perhaps

the new people have got it. That's right, isn't it, Phil? Yeah, clear as

Oh, and he's gone there now, wherever there is.

My old flat.

He's gone to my old flat.

I suppose it'd be daft to ask why.

Laura, what's the matter?

You look awful.

Get back in the cupboard!

I will not have breakfast with your lunatic sister in the cupboard!

It's all right. I've made up my mind.

I'm going to face the music.

Laura, will you please tell me what's going on? I can't. I've got to talk to

Mike first. You were hiding from him behind her head just now.

Do your worst.

Tow it away. I don't care.

We're not beasts, you know.

You tried being clear that all day. I was, yesterday.

Look, if it's urgent, I could turn the blind eye for a few minutes.

Oh, I just don't hit the windscreen too hard when you slap the ticket on it,

otherwise the whole thing might collapse.

Ah, good morning.

Look, I know this is a bit unusual. Yeah, that's the van, all right.

What? She said I couldn't miss it. Who said? Miss Dalton.

Dora? What's she doing here? She said to go up.

Some of us have families, you know.

Not fathers, you haven't.

What's going on?

I got here first.

Oh, the furniture.

The furniture that was missing. It did get left behind. Yes.

When did you work that out?

I knew it all the time.

Then why didn't you tell me?

Why chuck the cutlery at me for asking where it was?

I didn't want you to find out.

I don't know what it is that you didn't want me to find out.

Well, when we took the new flat, Mike, I, um... I didn't let this one go. I

it on.

Why? Well, safety, I suppose, in case.

And the furniture?

I pop in sometimes.

A boathole?

Well, I wouldn't have put it quite like that.

Would you like some coffee? There's still a few things in the kitchen.

Um, no, thanks.

I suppose I, uh, I, um, I couldn't commit enough, Mike. Well, don't look so

martyred. You never gave me much feeling of permanency.

I nearly proposed once.

When?

You were asleep.

Terrific. What was I meant to do? Two snores for yes and one for no?

How romantic.

I knew we'd get round to a romantic eventually. We always get round to

Well, that's because you're not. And you are?

Yes. So you move in with me, but keep your own flat on, just in case... Oh,

well, when it's put like that... How else would you put it? Well, I...

We're like a Rubik's Cube.

What?

Jiggle it about.

Get each side one colour.

The most we've ever seemed to manage is just one side.

An eighth.

A sixth, actually.

Oh, yes.

Seemed is a past tense.

Well, there doesn't seem much point in future tenses, does there?

No, I suppose not.

I just remembered something.

What?

I'm parked on a double yellow line.

I didn't know you liked poetry.

Well, I don't.

Oh, that.

It's my one and only school prize.

What for?

I don't know, turning up, I think.

But you must have chosen it. We used to always get to choose our school prizes.

No, no, I... I think I asked for no orchids for Miss Blandish, and they

me off with that.

I see.

I've been thinking about the kitchen sink.

Well,

I gave it to you as a present. It's yours by rights. You ought to take it

you.

I can't take a sink with me.

I could disconnect it.

Well, I can't really say I hope it reminds you of me, but... I'll go.

You're not. I am. You sure?

Positive. Oh, Helen!

Oh!

Little feet.

Nappy's on the line.

Well done, Phil.

Oh, Phil.

Oh.

Here.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Well, now, here's to the little barker.

Who's already a lucky little barker because his parents love one another so

much.

Come on, don't all stand around. We look like a trade delegation.

Hello.

Tell us about the baby.

Well... I don't do very much to tell at the moment, Mike.

Anyway, we vowed not to become baby boars.

We shall, of course. In nine months' time, you've been needing a photo album.

Yesterday morning, the nothing morning, that saw itself out. Oh.

Well, yeah, well, it's too difficult to explain. It's a bit of a prank.

Yes.

Laura, what's going on?

Oh, that.

Decorating. Oh.

At least we're going to decorate, but...

You see, I'm such a messy painter, especially with ceilings, that we

we'd put everything away just in case it got splashed.

Why not just cover them up?

That would be the simple thing to do.

Have you ever known this couple to do anything the easy way?

Anyway, come on, Mum.

We've got another couple of calls to make. Oh, we wanted to tell you first.

Well, blood would have flowed if you hadn't. What about your champagne?

Uh, I'm all right.

Cheers, Mike. Good luck with the decorating.

What about your champagne?

Oh, you two have it. I don't think expectant father should drink too much.

Bye, Laura.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

It was good, that, about the decorating.

Well,

we couldn't tell them.

Not tonight.

No.

Have you decided what to do about the thing?

I do wish you'd shut up about the bloody thing.

Well, I want you to have something. I can't even wear it round my neck in a

locket, can I?

Here, have this.

I can't possibly take the only prize you've ever won. No, no, no. I want you

have it.

Why? Well, it's all the things I've never said.

Half a league, half a league, half a league on.

East of Valley of Death, Road to 600.

No, not that one.

Well, others.

Things I've...

Never said I've... Well, like what? Well, uh... Well, things I've left out.

mean, I've... I've never said... I love

you.

And do you?

I don't know, really.

Oh, God.

But, um...

I don't want you to go. Well, why, Mike? Just tell me why.

I don't know. I just don't.

I never could resist a smooth talker.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no nestling. We two are just as

prickly as cactus plants.

Love hasn't got a chance.

It is a fine romance.