Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no...

Not a chance.

This is a fine romance.

You don't get everybody wearing black like you used to, do you? Huh?

At funerals.

I've seen two lots go in there already this morning. There were a lot of bright

colours.

I think it's a good idea, personally.

Your interest in that cemetery is becoming downright morbid.

No, it's not.

Actually, there's a little corner over there under the laburnum I quite fancy.

What is all this?

What? Well, you keep going on about funerals. Oh, sorry.

It's the situation's vacant that did it.

I was reading one about the Women's Royal Army Corps.

You know, there are some quite good jobs now, well paid and all that travel.

And? I'm too old.

Well, so what? I'm too old for the police force.

Why do you want to join the army, anyway? I don't.

Why go all gloomy about it? It's just there are a lot of things about like

that make me realise I'm not officially a young woman anymore.

Don't you feel like that?

Well, I know I'm not a young woman.

Now, it's not very nice to be told you're officially too old for something.

You weren't told about it. You've just read it.

Makes you wonder how many other things you're too old for.

You keep telling me that you're younger than Jane Fonda. I am.

Well, look at her.

I do.

What about a walk on the con?

Oh, no, I want to do something energetic.

Well, um, well, we'll buy a ball and have a kick about it.

Well, you said you wanted to do something energetic.

Yeah, but not playing silly.

I know.

We'll have a game of tennis.

At this time of the year? Yes.

You do play tennis?

Well, yeah, I have done them once or twice. I'm not very good.

Oh, I haven't played for ages. It doesn't matter at all.

Yeah, that's it.

A nice energetic game of tennis.

I haven't got a racket.

It's all right.

I've got one.

Well, what are we supposed to do with one racket?

Hit the ball, jump over the net, give the racket to the other person before

ball arrives.

Now, you're just making difficulties. The common keeper's bound to have a

one in his little hut. Come on, let's go and get ready.

Sooner have a kick about.

army shorts.

You're not going to wear them, are you?

Oh, no, no, no. I think the elastic's gone.

Did I get your size?

Oh, well, no. That's the thing about the army, see?

Never give you anything your size.

Oh, I suppose I could wear my plimsolls, if I can find them. Oh,

that's nice.

Very pretty. I bought it when I was at college.

I'm never going to get into this. Oh, you haven't tried yet?

Sometimes it's better not to.

Oh, you can't squeeze a quart into a pint pot, then.

Oh,

well, never mind. We tried.

Oh, no, I'm not giving up as easily as that. Oh, well, I mean, if you've got to

let her dress down... No, I'm not going to. I'll wear a blouse and a skirt. Yes,

that's it.

I'm not Kevin Keegan, you know. Good.

It cost me three pounds, that ball.

I didn't even get a kick out of it.

What are you doing?

You want your ball back?

I'm going to get you a rotten ball.

I'm not being silly.

Childish, then.

Who wants his ball back?

Laura. Laura.

What's going on here?

Well, you see, I was going to throw myself in, but this kind gentleman

me there was a purpose in life.

get her to come down.

She's not planning to sort of flail, is she?

What?

Oh, no, no, no. She's enjoying herself, actually.

So she is.

So she is.

But I'm well aware that she shouldn't be on there.

That's all right. You leave her.

At least she's happy now.

Poor soul.

That one's sort of a silly, isn't he? That one's short, actually.

You carry on like this.

I shall have to build you a playpen.

I'd rather have a paddling pool.

All because you're too old to join the army.

I can understand you feeling a bit old at times.

feel that.

I can understand you wanting to do something energetic, but you regressed.

You palpably regressed.

Oh, did I palpably? Yes.

Who got in a tantrum when his ball went in the water?

It's just that we never seem to do anything spontaneously, and just for

every so often, just every so often, what I'd really love is a happening.

A happening. A happening? Well, they went out with the flower people, didn't

they? Do you think they ever came in with you?

Oh, I don't know.

I was in the fountains, Trafalgar Square, once.

Were you?

Yes.

Silver Jubilee night.

What, you actually jumped in the fountains in Trafalgar Square?

No, I was having a rest on the side and I got pushed in.

You see, the sort of happenings you're talking about, well, they don't really

happen.

Except in MGM musicals.

I mean, you try getting on a tram and singing in a trolley song and see how

people join in.

What, are you going to put the 100 -piece orchestra on the roof of the

all right, all right, you've made your point.

And how does everybody always know the words?

All right, why don't we just do a full -scale musical?

Do something different on the spur of the moment. What?

Do you fancy lunch, anyway?

It wasn't cheating. It was gamesmanship.

Well, whatever it was, it worked.

She'd been propping him up for two sets.

All of a sudden, the game goes to pieces. I know you had something to do

it. Well, I did have a little word with her at the net when we changed ends.

Wasn't that cursed of some sort, was it?

No, I just said how brave it was of her to play without wearing a bra.

Why did that destroy her game? She was wearing a bra.

Well, you know the golden rule of mixed doubles plays the lady.

Remind me to keep you on my side.

That's the idea.

Shall we go out for lunch?

Yes, why?

We're going.

Shall we start that conversation again?

No, I'm serious.

We can be there in a couple of hours. Zoom down to Dover, hop on the hover,

on our beret, and voila!

Smashing!

I'm not just a dead ringer for Roscoe Tunny, though.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Laura.

How are you?

Mike?

Good.

What?

Well, Phil's just had this mad idea about whizzing over to Boulogne for

Yes, please, isn't it?

straight away?

This minute. What, this minute?

So... Oh, you can.

Yes.

Yes, that's a good idea.

Yes, all right. Well, we'll meet you at the hoverport in Dover.

Yes, about an hour and a half.

See you there.

Bye.

We'll meet them at the hoverport. Yes, I heard.

Well, I couldn't say no.

Well, if I'd have been on the phone, I would.

Well, you had your chance.

Yeah, I know they're sweet.

But when it comes to doing anything, it's like lugging a couple of kids

Where are we going now, Phil?

What are we going to do now, Phil?

Auntie, sometimes they make me feel like the entertainment officer.

You're just a natural leader.

Yeah, you're just a natural flanneler.

Anyway, it's done now. Let's go and... Hello?

Oh, hello, Mike.

Oh!

Oh, you can't come after all.

some other time, eh?

Because what?

Of course you're not barging in.

But we'd really love you to come, honestly.

Look, no more arguing. We'll see you at Dover, OK?

Enough of telling him.

Well, he's a sensitive sort of bloke, Mike. I wouldn't want him to think that

didn't really want him to come.

You didn't want him to come.

Well, I wouldn't want him to think it.

You'd have said no to my sister.

Well, we're starting the thing. Why don't you come on our honeymoon with us?

You don't like Laura, do you? Of course I like Laura.

Just that every time we... Hello?

Oh, hello, Laura.

You've been thinking of what?

Of course there wasn't an edge in Helen's voice.

Look,

she really would like you to come.

Look, I'll get her to tell you herself, all right?

think there was an edge in Phil's voice as well.

Who'd tell her not to be silly?

Who'd tell her to come out of the cupboard?

What?

Mike is taking the phone over to the cupboard that Laura has shut herself in.

Would you please shout through the door that there wasn't an edge in your voice

and you'd like her to come?

Laura, will you... Oh, sorry, Mike.

You ready now?

Come out the cupboard. Give it to me. Give it to me.

Now, Laura... Oh, Mike.

Mike, will you please get Laura to the phone?

We'll drag her.

Now,

Laura, just you listen to me.

Yes, there you are, then.

Yes, I should have said no in the first place.

All right.

We'll see you soon.

Love to Mike.

Who's Grumpy?

A hamster.

She wanted me to swear on Grumpy's grave that we wanted them to come.

But you couldn't. We took a solemn oath.

Quite. I mean, if you swore something on Grumpy's grave and you didn't mean

it... Well...

You're all grumpy, that's what I say, if you clear the air.

Right, now, on the double, quick shower, berets on, and b 'loin, here we come.

Phil?

Yes? I don't think I want to go now.

We'd have got a better lunch than that.

Really?

Yes.

After all, when you come down to it, egg and chips is egg and chips, isn't it?

Doesn't taste any better for being called Earth and Pomfret.

What time is the shipping forecast?

What? Why?

hovercraft doesn't cross.

That's a generous thought. No, it isn't. I'd like to force ten gales.

Yes, serve them right.

Saying yes, do come with an edge in their voices.

If they didn't want us to go, why didn't they just come right out and say it?

Oh, you would have loved that.

In any case, it was your own fault in the first place for inviting yourself

along. I invited us along. Oh, that's even worse.

She's my sister.

Yes, but she's not your twin.

You can't go...

playing in her corner of the playground all the time.

Now, what's that meant to mean?

Well, when I was at school, there was always a kid in the playground, a sort

particular sort of kid, and he always made up the best games and had the best

gang.

Come to think of it, he always had the best bit of the playground as well.

And the rest of us, well, we always thought we were missing something.

But if you weren't in, you weren't in.

Did you try?

Oh, yes, yes, I tried.

Bribery, flattery.

I even challenged him to a fight once.

And if I won, I'd join the gang.

He was a big fella, too.

That was brave.

Oh, stupid.

He flattened me.

I wish some of your stories had happy endings.

Well, you grow out of that sort of thing, don't you?

And I haven't. Is that what you mean?

Well... Well, perhaps you're right.

And if Phil and Helen always seem to have such fun, nothing ever goes wrong

them. It's as if a little ray of sunshine follows them all the time. Ah,

reflected warmth.

That's what you're talking about.

Yes, something like that.

Anyhow, I must stop it.

Find some kind of life of my own. That's the answer.

I thought you had.

Well... I'll get it.

Hello again.

Hello again.

Harry, we've just had lunch. Could I make you some coffee? Thank you, no. I

haven't come to take, I've come to give. What?

Mike.

I'm very well aware that Mike and I are not overtly compatible.

Not even unovertly.

However, aren't there occasions when the very difference in people makes for a

certain piquancy?

What occasion did you have in mind?

We three having dinner together in Calais.

I stunned you, haven't I?

Yes, as a matter of fact, you have. We were going to have lunch in Boulogne.

Really? Why didn't you?

Well, the people we were going with didn't tell me... Not to put too fine a

point on it, Harry. We decided that they were very, very boring.

Oh.

Well, I don't think you need fear being bored with me along.

I know a charming little aubert.

just outside the town. The food is exquisite, the service discreet, and the

wine, ah, the wine.

Oh, it sounds lovely.

Then let's go.

Oh, Mike.

I've just had egg and chips.

We'll be hungry again by this evening, for heaven's sake.

Why pick on us?

Don't make an invitation sound like victimization.

As a matter of fact, I sat at home and thought which of my many friends I

like to spend the evening with.

My many friends.

And you chose us?

In a nutshell, yes.

All right, Harry, we'd love to come. Excellent.

Yes, well, I'll just go and get ready.

There's one thing, Harry.

Are you lucky with off -the -cuff exercises like this? Always.

And this restaurant, there will be a table. They will serve some wonderful,

fresh delicacy. It will be open. Of course.

And what about the hovercraft?

Is that all right, even though we haven't booked?

Believe, Mike, believe.

I try, Harry.

I try.

was a woman's prerogative.

No, it used to be.

You got the vote.

We got the prerogative.

What I was talking about before, Mike, if you're going because of me... No, no,

no, no.

No, both of you.

I mean, if you're too ill to join the army and I'm too ill to join the police

force, we've got to find something else to do, haven't we?

In any case, Harry wants us to go.

what Harry wanted. It was very high on your list of priorities.

That's what he said.

And he sat and he thought of all the friends that he would like to have

with. And he came up with us.

Well, you surely didn't believe that.

No.

Then why should it persuade you to go?

Well, if we're the best they can dredge up at such short notice, it must be very

lonely, the poor sod.

Tu the same waiter I met upstairs a few minutes ago?

Oh, no, no, no, madame.

That was my twin brother, Naughty Pierre.

Aha.

Who needs to go to Boulogne anyway?

Well, it was lucky we didn't.

Why? Well, I've just been listening to the shipping forecast in the kitchen.

The weather's going up in the channel.

Hovercraft aren't even sailing.

Good job we didn't take Mike and Laura.

They never have forgiven you for allowing storms.

Yeah, it's a bit of a burden being expected to control the weather as well.

What shall we do after lunch?

Well, I thought I promised your twin brother, Naughty Pierre, to help him

the bed.

Oh, really?

You think this is wise?

I think so.

Mm -hmm.

Oh,

millions of pounds we spend on weather forecasting.

Unexpected snowstorms.

I mean, it's brilliant sunshine in Boulogne. We were going to Calais. I

We've got satellites whizzing around, you know.

Taking 500 pictures a second or whatever it is.

They still can't get it right.

Still, we did see Dover.

Interesting time, Dover.

Especially in the pouring rain.

I can't understand it. I'm usually so lucky with off -the -cuff exercises.

So you said.

But I am.

I'd rather you didn't go on about luck if it's all the same to you. But it's

first time it's ever happened to me.

Oh, really?

You know, I hate to say this, but I wonder if there isn't something of the

about you.

Mashed the top toes A fine romance With no

wrestling A fine romance With no nestling We two

are just as prickly As cactus plants Love hasn't got a chance

It is a fine