Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yet it is mashed with top toast.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no...

We've got a chance.

This is a fine romance.

What's the matter?

I can't get used to that door opening on its own. I didn't. I just opened it.

You know what I mean. When you've got used to living on your own for a long

time, it's a very peculiar feeling to find people wandering whenever they

What people?

You. But I live here.

Yes, I know.

Why should you find me coming in and out peculiar?

I don't.

You just said you did.

No, people, I said.

Then who else has been coming in and out?

I must say, it's beginning to look very nice.

Do you think so?

Yes, those curtains look nice.

There's a gap in the middle.

Oh, well, that's easily solved.

Oh,

well, we don't need them drawn anyway.

We're not overlooked.

Except by the cemetery across the road.

They're lower down than us.

Quite a lot lower down, actually.

Yeah, there was a new arrival today.

Well, you don't have to watch.

I was sitting by the window.

I've got that Madame Desbarges.

I've got something for you.

What? Well, it's a... What?

It's a sort of present. What is it?

Stay there.

And keep your eyes closed.

You can

open

them now.

It's a sink.

You said you didn't like the one in the kitchen.

Yes, I know.

Don't you like it?

Yes, it's lovely.

I could have bought you some flowers, but I thought I'd just get something

different.

It's different.

A sink is different. Yes, and useful.

Yes, and useful.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mike.

It's a lovely sink.

What do I want with flowers, anyway?

I can look out of the window into the cemetery and see thousands of flowers

every day.

Is that the right time? Oh, hell.

We've changed.

I'm not dressing for dinner, are we? No, I am going out.

Oh.

You're meant to say, who will win? No, no, I don't think I will, actually.

Oh.

Well, if you insist on knowing, it's with a publisher.

He likes my work, and he's going to publish the novel I've just translated.

He wants to talk about it over dinner.

That's all you're getting.

I was just going to say, a man, and leave you guessing.

Oh, hell, that'll be him.

Oh, yes,

yes, OK.

Hello,

good evening.

Charles Payne.

Him? He must be Mike.

I suppose I must be.

Oh, this is really very promising.

I particularly like...

It's a sink.

Yes.

Do you mind if I... No, no, no, no, please do. I think I've got some horse

somewhere. No, it's all right. Thank you.

It's all right, sweetie.

It's an orchid.

Of course you'd know that, being a gardener. A hybrid cymbidium, actually.

Yes, of course.

And I'm a landscape gardener. Of course you are a landscape gardener.

It's a bit of land.

Not a bit of it, sweetie.

Oh, I thought you might like this.

Oh, how sweet, Charles.

Oh, isn't that sweet, Mike? Yeah, sweet.

Let me.

Right,

are we ready then? Yes, yes.

Bye, Mike. Well, have a good evening, meeting.

Really nice to meet you, Mike. Yes.

I'll see you later, Laura.

Stay cool, Mike.

Yes, please do.

What's this?

Best of three falls are one submission.

I'm just trying to get my dinner out of this packet.

Why do they call it pub grub when you can't even get into it?

Here you are.

There's a clever girl.

Oh, yes. Give me something like a pie to unwrap. I'm fine. Anything more

complicated. I did not say that.

I'm sorry, Mike, we were talking about something else. Yes, I'd rather get at

that.

I don't think

I'd fancy that.

What are you doing having dinner on your own, anyway? Where's Laura?

Well, she's out to supper with a publisher, Charles somebody or other.

Oh, what's he like?

Oh, he's quite nice, good -looking, if you like that sort of thing.

You took to him, then?

Straight away, yeah.

You should come round to our house. Helen would have fixed you something to

Oh, yes, little Helen's a wonder in the kitchen.

Look, I thought we called a truce. You called a truce. You always do when

losing. I'm not losing.

You're becoming irrational.

Becoming? I thought I was irrational all the time.

Anyone fancy a go at Space Invaders?

All right, I'll put it to Mike. Mike, you listen to this and tell me if it's

irrational. I'd rather not, really.

Phil's secretary is leaving.

Well, that's not irrational, is it? I haven't finished yet.

Now, before we were married, I was Phil's secretary.

Yeah, and a very good one, too. Oh, thank you.

All I said to Phil was, I felt like going back to work, so why shouldn't I

my old job back?

Shut up!

Well?

Well... Look, the only reason, the only reason I thought it was a rotten idea is

that a married couple working together as boss and secretary...

Well, it won't work, will it?

Well... That's not it at all.

It's just that you only think there's two places I function.

The kitchen and the bedroom.

I'm not... Well, there's... There's no shame in a woman

being a good cook and a good... I'm not saying there is. It's just that there's

more to me than that. I'm not disputing that.

But Mike's right.

Husband and wife working together equals disaster.

I did not say that.

What are you saying, then?

Yes, come on, Mike. Stop waffling and give us an impartial opinion.

Well, I think... Well, I mean, when you come... When

you come right down to it... Yes?

Well, I think you love one another very much and that you're very sure about

each other.

So what answer is that?

An envious one, if you must know.

Help yourselves to the pie.

Charlie, what on earth are you doing?

What's it look like I'm doing?

Mowing the desk.

Why aren't you doing that out in the yard, anyway?

It's just cold out there and I've got a chest.

Well, at least put it on the floor.

Well, I'd have to stoop then, wouldn't I?

As it happens, I've not only got a chest, I've got a back.

When does the rest of you arrive?

Oh, never mind. Just move it, will you?

What's wrong with it, anyway?

Senility. That's what's wrong with it.

Well, that makes two of you.

You are in a charming mood today.

What, did old bossy boots burn to toast? Miss Dalton, to you.

It has nothing to do with it.

Here. Is she coming in today? Why?

Well, I mean, if she is, I'd like to take my chest and my back out in the

I mean, this one way.

See you, mate.

Have a late night.

Oh -ho!

Talk about clerical privileges.

Breezy when you like, go home when you like. And I bet you don't get docked for

it. There's nothing to talk.

I don't pay her anything.

She's a volunteer.

Yeah, that's slave labour.

There's no pleasing you, is there? Look, making this a union shop and running

things on the proper basis, that's what'll please me.

And I'll tell you the first thing I demand.

Paratroop.

Who went?

You know what I mean.

Making sure that I was paid a proper union rate. I'd agree to that.

You'd have to. I'd insist on it.

It's six quid a week less than you're going to pay now.

Must you do that in here?

That's why I'm leaving.

Here.

Are you sure you're... paying me six quid over the union rate? I'm positive.

Why? Because if you wasn't, I wouldn't put up with her. That's why.

You should have woken me, Mike.

I was quite asleep.

Didn't get in until after midnight.

Did I wake you?

No.

How do you know it was after midnight then? Because I found a pumpkin and six

white mice by the bed this morning.

I've got work to do.

Actually, Mike, I need to talk to you about work.

See, last night, well, Charles thought that I'd done that translating rather

well, and he wants me to do three more.

Oh, yes?

The thing is that they'll keep me rather busy, and I may not have time to come

in here and help out. Oh, no, no, of course not.

Which is my job, after all. Sure, yes, yes, of course.

But, um...

I've been thinking that actually you could do with someone full -time here.

Doing what?

Well, what I do any more.

I mean, if someone were here all the time, they'd leave you free to get out.

could keep an eye on Charlie, and she could answer the phone and do the books

and all the correspondence.

Would she give lunchtime recitals on the cello as well?

Probably.

Ah, yes, well, that's all very well in theory. In theory, I actually agree with

you, but where is this paragon?

Um, well, it's, um...

It's funny you should say that.

Do you have somebody in mind?

I was talking to Helen this morning. Don't you know somebody?

You could say that, yes.

Who?

Hello, Mike.

Take a coat off and make yourself at home.

Do you think this is a good idea?

Why ever not?

Well, it rather complicates matters when you work with people you know.

You know Laura?

Oh, yes. But she's Laura.

Well, look, would it help if I called you Mr.

Selway and you call me Mrs. Barkham?

That would be rather silly, wouldn't it?

Look, Mike, I honestly want this job.

And whether you realise it or not, you've got yourself a little treasure.

So would you please give me some work and let me prove it?

Perhaps you might like a nice pastry to have with your coffee.

Isn't that sweet? Isn't that sweet?

That's incredible.

And may I say, miss, on behalf of the workforce, that's me, what a pleasure it

is having you work in here.

Thank you, Charlie.

Oh, it's nothing, miss.

At least you made me feel welcome.

You

wouldn't

like to do some shopping, would you?

Shopping? I'm here to work.

Ah, well, yes, well, it's a bit of a slack day today.

Oh, what do you call this, Scott Smith?

No, no, they're letters, but... See, I've got a pond to do. Oh, come on,

let's get on with it.

Ah, yes, right.

Ready? Yes.

Ah, to Mr McPherson of 27... I can copy the address later,

just do the letter. Ah, yes, right. Ready?

Yes.

Dear... Mr.

Macpherson? Yes.

Thank you for your letter of the... Seventh. Of the seventh.

That's shorthand, isn't it? It's the latest thing.

Well, Laura never uses shorthand.

Do you mean to say you dictated it that... speed, and she took it down in

longhand. Well, no, no, no. I just give her the general idea, and she sees to it

later. Oh, well, we can do it that way if you want. Oh, well, no, no. Well,

she... You don't know the ropes.

Look, Mike, I know it isn't easy settling into a new working

let's try it this way.

Don't think of me as Phil's wife.

Don't think of me as Laura's sister.

Just think of me as a very professional secretary who's waiting for orders from

her boss.

Well, I don't know about you, but the boss would like a nice hot cup of

Fine. No, no, no. Stay there. I'll make it.

This one's for Mr. Sampson of Textor. The address is in the book.

Dear Mr. Sampson, thank you for your... No, make that thank you very much for

your letter of distinction.

While sympathizing with the problem of delayed delivery, I'd like to point

out...

Eddie? Eddie who?

My boyfriend.

He's treated me like dirt ever since he got onto long old flights.

What is he, a pilot?

Steward. Oh.

Well, uh, never mind.

Now, uh...

He's got a faraway look in his eye.

I thought you were going out with a dispatch rider.

Oh, he came off.

It's not normal to want an English girl to wear a sari at the Mr. Parker.

Of course, I'm really rather busy.

Do you mind if we get on?

You reckon you can finish all three as quickly as that, do you?

If I get stuck in, yes.

Magic. Do you know something, Laura? You're a wonderful woman.

Look, I tell you what.

You hit that deadline, and there's a bonus in it for you.

Really? Mm -hmm.

I've got a rather nice little pied -à -terre on the Côte d 'Azur.

Montant.

You mean that Mike and I could use? Oh, how smashing!

Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but Mike isn't part of the arrangement.

I thought you said it was going to be a bonus for me.

Yes, we would be.

I'd be there.

Really, Charles, you shouldn't be so modest.

Come on, Laura, admit it. You're flattered. Why should I be?

Well, if a grubby little gardener's the best you can do.

Now, clear off before you get all three.

Mike may give me sinks instead of orchids, but at least he doesn't think

God's gift to women. No, well, he isn't, is he? No, and neither are you.

You're nothing.

money, sweetie.

If just a little of your ego goes with it, Charles, it will be worth it.

Hello, worker.

Oh, Laura, I'm so glad to see you.

That sounds very fervent. It is.

I haven't spoken to anyone since 9 .15.

No, tell a lie. Some chap popped his head round the door to ask if this was

municipal dump.

You can be quite quiet sometimes.

Quiet? There's more activity in your cemetery.

Sandwich? Thanks.

Why don't you use the cap across the road?

The cutlery doesn't match and the teaspoon's chained up, but the food's

I did go in there once or twice, but I stopped going. I mean, all that

and chatting up.

Every time I went in there, I felt like a cabaret of a stagnant.

How did you cope?

Oh.

Well, how are you enjoying being back at work?

Here? Hmm.

Disaster. Why?

Well, Mike's very sweet, but... I mean, I practically have to twist his arm to

give me anything to do.

I mean, I never meet anyone. There's no bustle or panic.

I mean, quite frankly, I got more job satisfaction out of cleaning the kitchen

floor.

I quite liked it. I wish you could come back.

I could, actually.

Could you?

I thought you had manuscripts to do.

Well, I had, but something would have got lost in translation.

South of France, too.

Oh. Last time that happened, it was two weeks at Butlin's.

player with a twitch.

Did you go?

No. He started twitching and I started twitching.

If it wasn't Mike with him, we would have both ended up with some biter's

Come in, Mike.

Somebody's just dumped some plastic sacks in the yard.

Laura? Why have you taken to knocking before coming into your own office?

Well, I mean, you never know. Helen might be... Caught me changing my shoes

once.

They broke the mouth. They did, they did.

It's all right, all right. Very funny.

Anyway. Before you go on, Mike, there's something I want to say.

Yes, what's that?

I resign.

Oh?

Well, of course, I'm very, very... Relieved?

Yes.

Oh, you're all here.

Phil!

A bit awkward, actually, Mike.

But I've gone to poach my wife.

Get her back as my secretary.

I've had a succession of attempts all week. They drive me mad.

The last ones, you'd think I was Claire Rayner.

Look, I need a good secretary, Helen. I know it's a bit unethical, but leave

Mike. Come work for me.

That's extraordinary, because just this minute... Nothing, nothing. I

don't know anything.

What do you say, Helen?

Well, I don't know, Phil. I'm very happy here.

Well, I'll talk editing, Mike.

No chance.

Well, all right.

Let's go to the pub and see if we can work something out.

If that's all right with you, Mike.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.

Sorry, Mike. I must seem like a hell of a manipulator. Something like that.

I'm sorry.

Swine.

I suppose they both win, really.

So do you. What?

a replacement for Helen. Oh, no, no, no. Me.

What?

Well, what about all those translations you've got to do? They fell through.

Why?

Terms.

Oh.

Well, I can't be glad to have you back.

I feel comfortable with you.

I wish you didn't make me sound like an old cardigan.

I'll buy you lunch.

Oh, better.

What about the cafe?

Fellas down there will be glad to see you back.

They like you.

I think they like Helen.

Oh, well, I know.

Fancy, maybe, but not light.

And that's not the same thing, is it?

No.

No.

That's not the same thing at all.

A fine romance with no wrestling A

fine romance with no nestling We two are just as prickly as

cactus plants Love hasn't got a chance It is a fine romance