Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kiddies. A fine

romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yet it is Mappetato.

A fine romance with no wrestling. A

fine romance.

With no nestlings, we might as well play bridge with our maiden aunts.

Love hadn't got a charm.

This is a fine romance.

Helen! Hello.

Can't stay?

Oh, thanks for coming. Turn up.

How long, I mean.

Oh, you're working.

No, any excuse to get away from that.

What is it?

A novel.

Oh, you always said a novel was the translator's dream.

Not this one.

It's about a man who loses his soul in a plastics factory.

Is he fine, Miss Kent? I don't know.

He's still agonising. He's been agonising for the last 80 pages.

Well, cheer up.

Phil and I thought we'd eat out tonight.

Would you and Mike like to come along?

Oh. Um... Oh, no, thanks. Coffee?

No, thanks.

Why not?

Well, I don't exactly know what Mike's doing this evening.

Well, ask him.

I may not be able to.

Glass of wine?

No, thank you.

Well, would you like me to write out an invitation and then you can hand it to

him? No, it's not that. I just may not be seeing Mike this evening. I haven't

seen him for two or three days.

I haven't had a row.

No, no, no. It's just that sometimes I don't see him. He kind of goes

Well, he just feels cooped up. I mean, it is a small flat.

It's cosy. Yes, cosy.

But small.

I know Mike thinks it because sometimes he prowls about.

Not an old force.

No, not an old force.

Sorry. Go on.

Well, it's just that if there are two of you here and one gets bored with what

the other one's doing, there's nowhere for the other one to go.

Well, you can always go for a walk round the window box.

You're in a perfectly silly mood today.

Yes. You're pregnant.

I think I might be.

Oh, Helen!

Oh!

Why didn't you tell me? I just did.

Yes, but before you let me go on about French novels and Mike prowling around

and...

Well, I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow.

Oh.

If he'll please.

What did he say? Did he give you a cigar?

Oh, I haven't told him yet.

Why ever not?

Well, I want to wait till I'm absolutely sure.

Oh, I would. Yes, I know you would. You'd have it on the news at ten.

Aunt Laura.

I can't knit.

I know that.

Oh, Aunt Laura. Oh, no, it sounds as if I wear hairy suits and Lyle stockings.

It doesn't. Auntie Laura.

Yes! Oh, no. That sounds like I'm some old dear who lives in the country.

Uncle Laura?

We'll think of something.

Oh, Helen.

Oh, I'm so pleased.

Well, fingers crossed.

Anyway, I must go.

Oh.

Now, what about tonight?

Well, I'd like to come. Then come.

We'll pick you up at eight. Okay.

Oh, and one thing.

Don't say a word.

to fill.

Not your... No.

No? Okay.

Oh.

The Campari soldiers.

One for you, senor.

One for you, senor.

There you go. And one for you.

You call me when you are ready.

During that time when we tried to get into the restaurant after the ballet, I

said I was Wayne Sleeve in Lucky Show.

Didn't doubt me, did you?

No, I just kept looking, so I might.

I got your note. Glad you could come.

Evening, sport.

Oh, we need another chair.

I'll get one.

Excuse me.

Is it all right if I... What

are we celebrating?

Nothing. We're just having dinner.

Oh. Anyway, it's on me.

No, it's not. We invited you. No, no, no. I insist.

I've just had some good news.

It's all a bit of an anticlimax now, really.

Just tell it!

Well, it's the business.

It's something I'm not used to.

I'm in the profit.

I mean, I'm in the black, that's all.

What a lovely day this is turning out to be.

First...

There's profit, mate.

You get a reimbursement. You need a new van. You need some new clothes.

I need some new socks.

Some of them are very big.

Well, let's keep it in proportion.

Salway landscape gardening, you know, not I .C .I. The difference is you've

it yourself.

Oh,

I don't know about that.

But I've already decided what I want to do most.

Welcome back.

Well, yeah.

It's a bit awkward, really.

What? Well, it's rather rude.

You've decided to do something rude?

No.

No, it's just that I wanted to tell Laura first on our own.

Oh. Well, we'll go over to the other table. It's all right. Now, look, this

ridiculous. We're having dinner together. Mike can tell me afterwards.

that's a much better idea. I'll tell you afterwards. No, actually, there is...

something that I'd like to tell Phil privately.

Oh.

Well, well.

What do we do? Whisper?

This is tough. I'll tell you what.

Helen and I will go over to that table. Then we can whisper over there. And you

can whisper over here.

Then we'll all finish whispering what we've all got to whisper. We can come

here and presume we can all tell each other what we've all got to whisper.

Here we are, then.

Yes.

Hadn't you better start?

Yes, but it needs words, you see, and sometimes

I can't find the right words to say. Well, try, try.

Well... Oh!

I hope you're going to react like that.

You're not going to tell me you're pregnant, are you?

Do you think so?

That's great.

That's just right for kids, isn't it?

Yes. How's your whispering going? We've not started yet.

Well,

we've been seeing quite a lot of one another recently.

And I thought, well, now that we... Rather, that I was making a profit at

last... Yes?

Well,

we ought to put it on a more sort of... Permanent basis, yes.

In a way. In a way, yes.

Well, the thing is, I've seen a very nice flat, a big flat, big enough for

people to live in, and I think we ought to live in it.

we're gonna have a baby

I expect we shall laugh about it one day.

Let's do it now.

Look,

it's not my fault you got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

I don't mind being made to look a fool.

I look a fool quite often.

It's being made to look an utter and complete fool, I mind.

You shouldn't jump to conclusions.

You should have let me finish what I was going to say. It took about three hours

to get that far.

Well, thank goodness. We got it all cleared up before the waiter came back.

He seemed very pleased with that drawing you did for him.

Yes, he did, didn't he?

About this flat. Now, look, Mike, I honestly don't see the point. I mean,

practically living together as a team.

Yes, but I thought we might move to bigger premises.

You make it sound like a factory.

Well, it is a bit small, isn't it?

Well, it wasn't.

It never is at first.

The more you get used to someone, the more room you seem to use. Oh, and not

giant. Oh, and not pygmies either.

It's always been perfectly big enough for me.

Well, come round and see it anyway.

See what you think.

When? Tomorrow, after work.

Good.

Are we living together tonight?

You don't have to ask.

I do, as long as it's your flat I'm living in.

When you park the van round the back, you rather pre -empt the question.

Oh, you noticed that, did you?

I'm quick.

What would you have said had I asked you to...

What kind of a question is that?

Well, why, academic.

It's rather late at night for an academic question. Oh, I'm just curious.

Okay. No.

I'd have said no.

Oh.

I've got an academic question for you.

Oh, yes? What's that?

What would you have said if I'd said yes?

My boy Bill will be tall and as tall as a tree.

Will he?

He won't, you know.

I don't care if he's short and fat. Phil.

Hmm? He won't be anything.

What?

There isn't a Bill.

It was a false alarm.

You need to see the doctor for the night.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You all right?

Yeah, just disappointed.

And don't you dare say never mind.

Well, I was going to. Never mind.

I think I'll go and ring Laura, get her to come round.

Why?

Because your sister is a woman.

What's that got to do with anything?

I suppose... I suppose I thought she'd know what to do.

Listen, when I am pregnant and there are ten foot snow drifts...

And the car won't start, and the ambulance men are on strike.

Then Laura might know what to do.

All she'd do now is to get upset and make me upset.

Anyway, she and Mike are looking at her flat tonight. She needs her mind clear.

Actually, you know, I think we'd have a girl first.

Then Bill.

Yes.

What do you think?

If it's unfurnished, what are they doing here?

Fixtures unfitted.

What do you think?

Well, it has possibilities.

Yeah, that's what I said.

What the estate agent said, too.

Oh, good.

We're all agreed on that, then.

Nice big windows.

Don't think much of the view.

Rather nice.

Bit of green, flowers.

In between the gravestones?

Well, at least the neighbours won't be naughty.

Oh, and it's a good -sized kitchen, too.

Nice working surfaces.

I didn't know you were interested in working surfaces.

Only in an academic sense.

I don't think much of a thing.

No, I'll change that.

What do you think?

Is that working?

I want to phone Helen.

Why? Why don't you make her a reminder?

No, she's been to the doctor's. I want to find out how she got on. Oh, I'm

sorry.

Phil? Laura.

What does it feel like to be an ex... Oh, I'm sorry.

How does she feel?

Well, perhaps I could pop round.

No, no, no, it's no trouble.

I'll come round. Bye.

False alarm.

What? What a horrible expression that is.

Oh, what a shame.

So... Where are you going?

Going to see Helen.

But what about the flat?

Well, I can't think about that now.

But you must think about it now.

We're first, but there's a queue.

And if we don't make up our minds, well, then somebody else might take it. What

a callous thing to say. You think a flat's more important than a baby?

But there is no baby.

Oh, well, if you hold human life that cheaply... Oh, now, what are you talking

about?

It's a shame, that's all. It's a shame.

Phil and Helen are young. They'll have thousands of babies if they want. You

know what you're doing, don't you?

You're making this an excuse to wriggle out of making a decision. Oh, really?

Yes. I don't like to think.

You already said that.

I insist on going hard with the rent. You'll have to.

I can't afford it on my own.

Oh, sorry.

It's only me.

Mr... Ah, Mr Kelly.

Any decision from you and your...

Mr Bell, no, we're still musing.

Ah, well, musing is fine.

I like to think that I muse as much as the next man, but time and time... Time

waits for no man.

Yes, exactly.

So... See,

the thing is, I've got Mr and Mrs Swallow downstairs in the back of the

and they're all terribly excited.

Just give us a few more minutes, Mr Bell. Yes, very well, but you must see

point of view.

I mean, if you're going to say no, I can't afford to let the swallows become

agitated. Well, no, no, no.

Quite, quite. Just a few more minutes.

Right.

Well, you heard what he said.

Can't afford to let the swallows become agitated. Well, blow the swallows. I'm

the one who's been out to rush into a decision.

What rush?

A couple of minutes, you say? Well, no, not literally.

We can hang it out for about another ten.

Oh, terrific.

Well, in any case, you have the whole day to think about the principle of the

thing and a good hour to look around the flat and you're still having an hour.

Well, I'll have an hour as long as I like. Until we lose the flat.

And then somebody else will take it. And then you won't have any decision to

make, which is probably what you wanted all along. Where are you going?

I'm going to un -agitate the swallow. No!

You mean you want us to take it?

What do you think?

Oh, well...

I've told you what I think. It's a big flat. It's big enough for two people to

live in it.

Well, why shouldn't we be the two people? Supposing we get on each other's

nerves? Well, that wouldn't be the flat's fault. We get on each other's

anyway.

I'm getting on your nerves now, aren't I? Yes, you are, as a matter of fact.

Ah,

now. How are we doing? We're getting on each other's nerves.

Oh.

Still, what couple doesn't from time to time?

My own good lady, you know, as a matter of fact, has this habit of... But I

digress. The thing is, I must have a decision.

You see, the swallows have become adamant.

They fairly zip through the old emotions, don't they?

I think I might say that you appear to be doing the same thing.

Oh, dear.

The swallows are hooting now.

Look, I'm sorry, but I must have a decision, yes or no.

No. Sorry.

You said no. No, no, no. It's just the way I speak.

I mean to say yes and outcomes no.

Yes, I see.

Well, are you sure?

Yes. Fine.

Well, if you'd like to pop back to the office when you're ready and we'll find

the necessary papers.

In the meantime, I'd better go and mollify the swallows.

Oh! And I do hope that you'll be very happy here.

I'll never give much credence to jinx this, must I?

What jinx?

What jinx? Well, the... What jinx?

The last two or three couples have moved in and out rather quickly.

Not to the cemetery.

Well,

that's something.

Well, there's nothing like crossing the old Rubicon to get the adrenaline

flowing, is there?

I think we'd better go and sign those papers before we change our minds. I'll

change the sink. Good.

How do you feel?

Scared. And you?

Oh, well, I've had longer to think about it than you.

True.

Petrified.

A fine romance with no wrestling A

fine romance with no nestling We two are just as prickly as

cactus plants Love hasn't got a chance It is a fine romance