Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no...

Not a chance.

It is a fine romance.

Please. No.

Oh, please, Helen. No.

Please. No.

And it's no good shutting yourself in the cupboard.

I wasn't going to.

I was just thinking about when we were children, that's all.

Now, I remember you crying... little eyes out when you thought there was no

person as Father Christmas?

Yes, and that very evening he spoke to me down the chimney, didn't he?

I could have got killed getting onto that roof.

You got spanked. Yes, I did.

But there you are, you see, it all goes to show that I'm willing to risk life

and limb for the dreams of my little sister.

Now, that same little sister refuses to take me to the dentist.

I'm just not prepared to get involved in a brawl, and that's the end of it. It

wasn't a brawl.

A very fair semblance.

I lost my nerve.

You always lose your nerve when you go to the dentist.

Well, I can't help being afraid.

Yes, I know, and I sympathise.

It's just that I think you need somebody with more authority than me.

How about Mike?

No.

Why not?

Because he thinks of me as a fairly together sort of person.

Are you sure?

Yes.

And I don't want him to see me all silly.

Well, he's got to find out sometime or other.

Well, maybe. I don't know.

Oh, please, Helen. No!

Well, when you have children of your own and they stop believing in Father

Christmas, don't expect old Aunt Laura to come calling down the chimney, that's

all. Might as well take a smashing job with that sir.

He'd never think it came in separate bits.

He does, doesn't he? Yeah.

You know, I can get quite interested in gardening.

Well, looking at gardening.

Food for a sherry. Oh, thanks, Phil.

Nice to know there's a drop of human kindness left in the world.

She wants me to take her to the dentist.

Oh, no.

Oh, thanks.

Did you see the bruises on her arm last time?

I only clung on tightly.

Definitely pulled it off.

Why don't you ask Mike to take you?

Why should everybody say Mike?

Mike, the obvious choice.

He's a sensible sort of bloke, and you and he are, um...

knows the right word, do they?

What word do you use? We don't.

When you're not in the first flush of youth, you don't, do you?

I think lover is a nice word.

So do I. You can't go around introducing someone to your lover, can you?

Frienders? Look, we are getting off the subject.

And the subject we are getting off is who is going to take me to the dentist

tomorrow? I will. I'll take you.

It's so irrational, isn't it? So stupid.

No, we're all frightened of something, aren't we?

What are you frightened of?

Avalanches.

No,

not many.

I had one in 2019.

Come on,

you'll be all right.

Look, this isn't me.

I look like me and I sound like me, but it's not me.

Very posh, isn't it?

Yes, I come privately, because after they dealt with me, I like to pay them

personally.

You'll soon be out now.

You're hurting my hand. Sorry, sorry.

Now then, Mrs. Medercroft, twice a day, and don't forget the floss.

See you at the same time next week.

Mrs. Coleman, we are ready for you. Thank you.

I mean, good afternoon.

I punched her in the stomach last time.

Well, not when she came to call you. No, no, in there.

They pump you full of stuff, it makes no difference.

There'll be a child in a minute.

A smiling, unafraid child.

I hate them.

There's something else I'm frightened of. What's that?

Hot fat.

Have you ever been burned by hot fat? No.

Not very rational, your fears, are they?

Mine's totally rational.

They may hurt me terribly in there and the pain's going to mix with the fear

something will go wrong and I shall probably die.

And somebody will probably throw hot fat all over me in here.

I mean, don't go wrong. No, no, no, no. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Yes. Oh, that's better. Better. No, it's better. Oh, God!

Sorry.

Distract me. What?

Distract me. Well, how?

Well, I don't know.

Well, not like that.

Well, like what? Well, I don't know.

Very well.

What are you doing?

I'm going to recite Charts of the Light Brigade.

I'm going to stand on my head whilst I'm doing it.

Mrs. Dalton, we are ready for you.

Are you? Yes, come along.

Yes, come along.

You will take great care of her, will you? Oh, of course. There's absolutely

nothing to be frightened of.

Goodbye.

Why? What's the matter? What's happened? Nothing. It was just a little filling.

How many?

One. Yes, but... Yes, I know.

She is all right, isn't she?

Yes, of course.

She's a little bit woozy.

Mr John had to give her rather a full dole.

She has been resting, but it's getting rather late now.

And we would like to go home. That is, if you think you can manage.

Oh, yes, of course. I'll look after her.

Well, would you like me to call your taxi? No, no, no, no, I've got the bar

so I... I'll bring her in, then.

That's it.

Nice and slow, eh?

There you are.

Here's your, um... Friend.

Friend.

Lover.

Is this the... Oh, yes.

She's coming down now.

Hello, Michael.

Hello, Laura.

She'll be very tired very soon.

Does she have to come back at all? Not for a very long time.

You are the

devil

You like to go before you go to bed. Yes, talkie.

No, not tonight.

I know a dog with one ear and talkie.

He could hear perfectly with his one ear. Yes, good, good.

Now, in you get.

What are you doing? You don't go. No, I'm not going.

Stay. I am staying.

Just let's get you in first.

Poor little... Now, now, now.

Just you get into bed.

Yes, Michael.

I can't.

Now, will you do as you're told?

Yes, I can.

Come on.

Stop messing about.

Do you know what I want to do now?

Yes, go to Torquay to see Harold the Dog.

Come here now, Whisper.

Shh.

Who's there?

Oh, you're a little devil, you are.

I always feel like crying after eating one of your dinners.

It wasn't that bad, was it?

You knew it wasn't.

It's just the thought of destroying something so perfect.

Well, there was a bribe, actually.

Oh, well, I'm bribed.

What do you want?

I'm wondering if you'd house -sit for us this weekend.

House -sit? Yes, well, Phil's got to go to Dieppe for the weekend, and just in

case he harboured any thoughts of taking his secretary with him, I thought I'd

go along too, and we'd Dieppe together, so to speak.

Ah, I see.

We'd bring you back a clove of garlic or something.

Yeah, well, why not? Just give me a key and I'll pop around a couple of times.

No, we meant, would you actually move in for the weekend?

Burglary, you see. Helen worries. Phil worries.

Well, we worry.

But if you were staying here... Both of us?

Yes, of course, both of you.

Well, I don't know. I mean, there's a lot of stuff to bring round.

You wouldn't. It's all here, the stuff.

I thought I might do a bit of work this weekend.

Where? I thought I'd finish off your lawn.

That was just outside the window. I thought that was quite convenient.

Oh, yes, there is that.

Please, Laura.

Well... Forget it. We're pressuring them. No, we're not. No, we're not.

We'll go into the kitchen and you two can talk it over, OK?

Anyway, I'm sure we could find someone else. I'm sure we couldn't.

What do you think?

Oh, I don't know. I'm not too keen.

Other people's houses.

I'm always afraid I'll damage the system.

Why?

Well, strange loos never seem to work for me.

I usually finish up on the seat, fiddling about with the sister.

We can't really say no, though, can we?

No, I suppose not.

Look, Mike, she's my sister. You don't have to stay here.

No, no, no, no. I couldn't leave you alone in a strained house.

Well, you can bring us a bottle of wine, some cheese as well.

I knew you'd say yes. Yes, I knew you knew.

And all that for a little sister who wouldn't even take me to the dentist on

Monday. Oh, I never did ask you. How did you get on?

Well, I don't think they want me back.

She wasn't all that bad.

What did she do afterwards?

She didn't want to learn to play the banjo, did she?

Well, there's nothing to tell. You were just a bit high -spirited, that's all.

I salute you in the name of prom.

And now the conject.

Oh, whilst I think about it, could you tell me where the stopcock is?

Why do you want to know where the stop...

Cock is full.

Well, he might have to turn the water off at some time.

All right, I'll show you.

He's got a thing about cisterns.

Lovely weekend, anyway. And don't forget the cheese.

Nice and squashy.

Thanks,

Laura. See you, Mummy. Bye, Phil.

Bye.

For this evening.

Oh, Helen.

How sweet. Thanks.

You're right. You look a bit tense.

No, no, no.

It's just going to be funny being with Mike in a strange house.

Oh, I'd find that rather exciting. Would you?

Well, not with Mike.

It's not good to sound like that.

Well, you know what I mean.

Actually, I find strange bedrooms rather sexy.

Hey, come on, Phoebe. All right, Jean -Pierre.

See what I mean?

Well, if we won't let you in when you get back, you'll know you're right. Go

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Paris loves lovers.

Poor lovers.

It's heaven above.

They've gone to Dieppe.

Dieppe. Poor lovers.

It's heaven above.

I think I'll have a cigar.

You don't smoke?

Oh, the odd one, you know.

Special occasion?

They don't draw very well, these, do they?

Aren't you meant to cut the end off?

Oh, that's good thinking.

Well, I think I'll... I'll save that for another time.

Hiring.

For someone who feels uncomfortable in strange houses, you seem almost

proprietorial. Ah, it's a nice house.

It's a... It's an easy sort of house.

Would you like another brandy?

Oh, thank you.

I think I may.

You've already had three.

Oh, who's counting?

I am.

You're rather schoolmarmish tonight.

Who was supposed to be looking after this house?

Oh, what do you want me to do?

Do you want me to whiz around with the vacuum cleaner?

Or perhaps I could rent a couple of Dobermans and patrol the garden all

Don't be sick.

All right.

These, aren't they? Yeah, perfect when you're trying to work.

Ah, they work.

Nice sheets on the bed.

What?

Oh, nice colour.

Warm.

Sort of colour of leaves on a Japanese cherry tree.

I wonder what colour you call that.

Brown.

Yes, brown.

Now, look, now, look. There's a film on television.

An old one?

Yes.

1944, The Enchanted Cottage.

Oh, good.

Half an hour yet. Would you like to watch Show Jump? No, I would not like to

watch Show Jump. I'm sorry, Mike. I've no excuse. It's just a strange house.

I'm... I'm not very good at playing away from home.

It's not a very well -chosen expression, is it?

Shame we didn't come straight from the dentist.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, well... If you must know, afterwards you were

very, very... What?

Well, all right, you were very sexy.

Oh, I see.

I mean, you weren't like you at all. No, no, no.

Fine, I should arrange another visit to the dentist.

Or perhaps I could get high on a couple of Rennies.

I meant funny sexy.

Fine. Throw in a paper hat and a red nose as well.

I knew you'd get it wrong if I told you. All I'm saying is that simply, under

the influence of whatever they gave you at the dentist, afterwards, before you

flaked out, you were...

Rather frisky.

Like a horse. For goodness sake, I am not advocating the use of

artificial simulants as a route to high passion.

Why don't they seem to work for you?

I fail to grasp your implications.

James has brown sheets, a couple of brandies, and you start behaving like a

second -rate Rudolph Valentino.

Well, thanks very much. Not at all.

Well, I'm going off to bed to watch the film. Well, I don't... Fancy that. Well,

you don't have to. There's not a television in the spare room.

Good night.

Circles around the planks and comes up now before he turns back for the start

for Derek's final round.

He could do with a good maximum here just to finish up. His score so far, 38

-38, a 33, another 38, and the last round is 12.

Good evening. I am the Sheikh.

You haven't seen a couple of cameras pass through here, have you?

Oh, that was crafty.

Catson, what a laughing. That's my mother.

Oh, it was a cheap crack, Mike.

Yeah, so was mine.

I met yours.

So was mine.

I'm glad you galloped up the corridor.

Oh, still got my slippers on.

Yes, so am I. Is the horse all right? Yes, I parked him in the spare bedroom.

Were you locked up?

Yes.

Didn't leave a cigar burning?

No, I couldn't even get it to work.

Let's watch the film.

You sure?

Yes, if I don't like it, I can always nod off.

Another late -night movie.

The Enchanted Cottage with Robert Young and Dorothy McGuire.

This film is the story of two people, Oliver and Laura, awkward to the world,

who find a special beauty in each other when they spend the weekend in an

enchanted cottage.

Hello, Ollie.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no nestling. We two are just as prickly

as cactus plants.

Love hasn't got a chance.

This is a fine romance.