Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mash for tacos.

This is a fine romance.

There!

Oh, thanks.

I can never find the cue.

I've noticed.

Where is he? There!

I didn't want the queue that time.

Now she'll have to start all over again. No, no, no, no. There's no need. Look.

Just get this.

Paint it on like that.

Line it up and type the right letter over it.

No,

no, wait till it dries.

It's clever, that.

Yes.

Do you think it's dry, Barbara? Let me do the letter for you. No, no, no.

Do you think it's dry? I'm sure it is.

Oh,

this is awful.

Why, what's the matter? It's not the tap.

It's the pauses between the taps.

It's like a Chinese water torture.

Oh, yeah, well, I never learned properly, you see.

Yes.

Do you type all your business correspondence?

Yes, most of it.

It just looks so much better, doesn't it?

Yes.

Mike. Hmm? Now, don't get me wrong, don't think I'm interfering, but I get a

of extra time now and again. I mean, why don't I come round to your office and I

could type that for you?

Slightly quicker.

Nope.

Well, why not?

Well, you know what my office is like, don't you? It's not exactly salubrious,

is it?

And I've only got a paraffin heater.

I wear my thermal underwear.

So?

You know, it would do no harm to have somebody there most of the day when

out, just to answer the phone call. That answering machine of yours only answers

when it feels like it.

Well, what about your own work? I bring it with me.

No.

Well, why not?

You know it makes sense.

I couldn't pay you much.

Well, he's talking about paying. I didn't say anything about paying. You

pay me for burning your shirt.

Well, that's different.

It isn't. Good heavens, Mike, we're... We're... It does no harm to

help one another now and again.

Well, I don't help you at all. You do.

How? You just do.

Please, Mike.

Well, just for a couple of hours, every now and then.

I'll stop tomorrow.

Bill, she's coming round tomorrow.

Just for a couple of hours.

Well, it makes sense, doesn't it?

Don't just sit there going... Say something. I'm saying something. What?

saying... She'll start organising things, don't you?

I didn't say that.

She'll start interfering.

I didn't say that either.

Well, what are you saying? Nothing. You're saying it for me. No, I'm not.

Look, Mike, I've got nothing against Laura.

She's... Bright, intelligent.

But once she's got her teeth into something, she's also like a very small,

determined bull terrier.

She'll have pretty little curtains up at your shed windows next.

She's already done that.

Ask not to know for whom the bell tolls.

What have you two been talking about?

Er, football.

You? Er, netball.

Oh.

No, well, actually, what we've been talking about...

Don't kick me under the table, Helen.

It's furniture.

Oh. Office furniture. Furniture.

Not my office. No, Phil's.

I was wondering whether you could steer any bits that aren't being used Mike's

way.

You want me to steal some of our office furniture to give to Mike?

Steal? Steal.

Steal. You went to a good school, too.

Well, it's done all the time, isn't it? I mean, you buy somebody a drink and

they do you a favour. That's how big business works. We're not talking about

business. You want me to steal some of our office furniture? Steal.

No. Look, I don't know what you're talking about.

I've got office furniture.

I know, but it's not over smart, is it? Well, I'm running a landscape garden.

It's not the design centre.

Well, I know that, but your office is the first thing people see and there's

harm in creating a good first impression, is there?

Yeah, I agree with that.

You know, before we were married, when Helen was still my secretary, I cited

death so that she was the first thing people saw when they came in.

I thought you said the light was better in that corner.

Well, that's what I said.

They came in, you see, and there she was.

Nice smile, nice legs. Put them in a good mood straight away.

Look, you've gone right off the subject.

I miss miniskirts.

And the subject you've gone off is whether you could steer some of your

furniture Mike's way. I do not want Phil to steer anything my way. I'm all

right, right?

You're just stubborn. I wasn't a good secretary then.

What? I mean, basically, I was just a smile and a pair of legs.

No. It's a wonder you didn't have me dress up as a bunny girl and I've done

you. Well, love, I rated you very highly. You are very efficient, too.

Too? Too? You hear the too?

I wonder whether they'll ever come back, miniskirt.

Look at you three. You've just gone rambling off.

Now, whose turn is it for a round?

Yours.

I'm sorry about that.

Well, I did warn you. About what? Your sister.

You don't have to warn anybody about my... My sister, she's not a dangerous

animal. I was very impressed by your typing before I even set eyes on you.

did you know it was my typing?

Duck. Yes, duck.

You know, I've just been thinking.

Well, not about office furniture.

No.

smells in all the world is a new -mown lawn after light rain has been falling

it. You've only got a window box.

I know.

We've got a lawn.

I know.

And most of it's paved over.

I know. Ah, look.

I work for people when they ask.

I do not go around altering people's gardens against their will. I know.

I should start too early.

Well, you do.

I won't when business starts booming.

Has it ever boomed? Oh, it's popped a couple of times.

But when it really does start booming, then I will come in at 11 o 'clock,

in the daimler, pick up a handful of tenors, knock the workforce about a

bit, and tootle off for a game of golf.

Messages.

Selway Landscape Gardening. Mike Selway speaking.

You're not supposed to hear that bit.

There's nobody in the office at the moment, but if you'd like to leave a

message, please...

those before you get the day, will I, won't you?

I won't have to.

I'll have a battery of secretaries.

Well, in the meantime... Yes, in the meantime...

Oh,

it's Charlie, you see. I don't want him to think I spend every night at your

place.

Would you like a heater on? No, no, no, I'm fine.

You know what to say, don't you?

Yes, we drafted the replies last night.

But you won't add anything, will you?

What do you need the gardening book for?

Well, it is a landscape garden, isn't it?

I mean, if somebody rings up when you're out, I don't want to let them think

they're talking to somebody who only owns the window box.

So if they happen to mention, say...

Sweet pea, I look up the index and I say... Latheris odoratus.

What? Latheris odoratus. Latheris odoratus, as we call them in the trade.

And then they think they're on to somebody who knows what they're talking

Look, I just wish you'd take the message. That's all I wanted to do,

know you said, but there's no harm in giving the impression that we're all on

our toes from the managing director to the tea lady.

Well, we haven't got a tea lady.

They don't know that.

No.

Oh, well, uh...

Oh, you know where the tea things are, don't you?

Yes, thank you.

I shouldn't stay very long.

Only a couple of hours. An hour, maybe.

Oh, you've got the telephone number where I'm working, just in case anything

crops up. Will you stop treating me as if you're leaving me to play with your

best train set?

I won't lock the wheels off, and I'll put it back in the box when I've

Yes, good.

Cheerio, then. Cheerio.

Sorry, sir.

Cheerio.

Cheerio.

Hello?

Could I speak to Mr Carabidakis, please?

Thank you.

Andrea?

No, Dalton.

And is Maria well?

Good, good.

No, no, I don't want work at the moment. Well, not translating work, that is.

No, it's just this. Andreas, you have a nice big garden, haven't you?

Thank you, Mr Barker, please. I'm Mrs Barker. Oh, how do you do?

I'm Cherry.

Oh, hello.

Phil has somebody with him at the moment. Oh, don't worry, I'll wait.

Are you sure?

Yes, no bother.

Good. And there'll be a group in it, all right? I'll ring you back.

All right, thanks. Bye.

Hello,

love. What are you doing here? Oh, shopping.

You should have said. Oh, don't worry. Cherry's been looking after me. Oh,

Come on in.

Cherry's very pretty.

Yeah, she's all right.

Do you always call yourself...

Yeah. Oh.

Well, so did you.

Well, not straight away.

Well, she's been here a year.

You just came up here to take a look at her, didn't you?

No. No, I didn't.

No, the thing is, I go past Mike's office on the way home, so I thought I'd

in here first.

These two things are connected in some way, aren't they? Oh, yes.

How? Well, I've been thinking.

When you come down to it, there's all too little green left in the world,

there?

Would it be such a bad idea if we had Mike take up the paving stones and make

the lawn bigger?

Laura's been at you again, hasn't she? Well, she might have mentioned it.

She should open a brainwashing school somewhere.

She is right, though, isn't she?

Well, I suppose at the end of the day, yeah, she was going to help Mike.

Hello,

Phil Barker.

Eric. Yes.

You can?

Good man.

Don't worry, I'll swing that.

Yes, and, uh... I won't forget the drink, okay?

Okay, thanks, bye.

Another multi -million dollar deal?

Not exactly.

I've just arranged to steer some office furniture Mike's way.

Laura? Laura.

Here, Mike.

All done.

Train set, put neatly away.

See you tonight, love, Laura.

Oh, yes, yes, please do.

Look, I'll come straight to the point.

Phil and I would like you to do our lawn for us.

Professionally, of course.

Why? Well, when you come right down to it, there's all too little green left in

the world, isn't there? You didn't say that.

Yes, I did. I just heard myself.

That's Laura's line.

Well, she is right, isn't she? She doesn't care about green.

She just wants to get me work.

Well, is that such a bad thing?

Oh, no, I suppose not.

So take it, Mike. We honestly want it done.

She wants to help, Mike.

She hasn't had anyone to help for a long time.

Please, Mike.

Well, all right.

I'm not being ungracious. Well, possibly I am, but I don't mean to be. It's just

that I feel crowded. That's OK.

That's not one of my deliveries.

No. No, I think I know what that is, actually.

What? Well, Laura was right. First impressions are important.

Shut it up.

Mr. Selway? Yes?

You're afraid of death.

Cooking.

Can't help feeling sorry for the shepherd, can you?

You just had to, didn't you? You just had to.

What? I no sooner got back to the office than I was visited in quick succession

by two charity organisations.

Talking about the...

Would you please do our garden, though we don't really want it done, Charity?

And I'm sorry, we can't take the furniture back now because Eric has

fiddled the inventory, Charity.

Phil didn't send you any old rubbish, did he?

No, it's very nice.

Oh, that's all right, then. It is not all right.

I thought I told you to leave those two alone.

Well, I only gave them a call and gave them a gentle reminder from your office,

that's all.

How many times did you phone them?

Only five or six.

few other calls while I was at it. You did what? Now, don't start.

It was nobody you knew.

I just phoned a few people that I'd done translations for and asked them if

they'd like to avail themselves of your services.

Not all of them said yes, but three did. Three jobs.

I suppose you walked home carrying a sandwich board.

Now, Mr.

Calabaracus wants a whole lawn, Rita.

Mr. and Mrs. Palmer have decided on a patio, and Mr. de Jong wants some

cleared. You'll like Mr. Carabidakis. He's got the jolly face.

And I'm not ringing back to tell them you've changed your mind. What mind is

that?

Oh, Mike.

Well, this... This Mr.

Carab, what's it?

Darkis. Yes, him and the others.

You didn't blackmail him.

Of course not.

Didn't use any physical violence.

I just told them how good you were at your job. You don't really know that.

I do.

You just don't sell yourself properly, that's all. Oh, I don't have to. You're

doing it for me.

But you won't say no to the jobs.

Why is this so important to you?

It just is.

Ah, well, who do I start blinding with science first? Mr. Carrad, what's it?

Well, I thought Mr. Carrad would ask it first because I phoned him first. So I

looked in your desk diary.

and I put down Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. Is that all

Yes, that's fine.

And you didn't mind me looking at your desk diary?

No. So who's next?

Mr and Mrs Palmer on Tuesday and Mr de Jong on Wednesday.

You mean Monday for one job, Tuesday for another job, and Wednesday for the

third job?

Do you really seriously expect me to re -turf a lawn in one day?

Oh.

what do you think I do?

Arrive with it like a carpet, unroll it, pack it down and go home.

I've got to take up the existing one, dig it, level it, get it down to a tilt.

What's a tilt? Why don't you look it up in your gardening book?

And this woodland that I'm supposed to clear in one day.

What is it, Epping Forest?

It's just me and a chainsaw, not a gang of lumberjacks.

But where did you leave your brains this morning?

I got carried away.

Don't snivel. I'm not snivelling, I'm sniffing.

Well, I'll give them a ring first thing in the morning and tell them that you're

an escaped lunatic.

And see if they won't accept something a little less superhuman.

I'll be at your pool.

I'll bet the potato in the shepherd's pie is lumpy as well.

Oh, I'll cheer up.

It's not a complete disaster.

I was only trying to help, Mike. Yes, I know.

Well, I'll never do it again.

Oh, yes, you will. No, I promise, I won't. No, I mean I wanted to.

You're just saying that.

No.

I mean, you know my business. It's backs to the wall. And if from time to time

you're backwards to the wall with mine, well, I might rather like that.

Are you doing anything tomorrow?

Now, why? Do you want me to do some typing?

No, not exactly.

Well, what?

Well, um... What?

Lovely time of the day.

Not like six in the morning, is it?

The bottom up.

This is a fine rumor.