Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They'd think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yet it is mashed potato.

A fine romance with no...

got a charm.

This is a fine romance.

Sorry.

What are you doing?

Good morning.

Good morning. What are you doing down there?

I'm trying to find my shoe.

I've got it.

of scissors.

I can't get the lining off my jacket, so I thought I'd better cut it off.

Kitchen doctor on the right.

Hailed me on this.

Sorry.

Go back to sleep.

Are you just going to sneak off without a word?

Well, thank you sounds rather formal.

Well, what then?

Don't ask me questions. I mustn't be asked questions in the morning. I have

ask questions to find out what you're talking about.

You sneaking off without a word.

Well, I did leave the road.

I'll lay on it.

Well, a little ray of sunshine for a thing in the morning, aren't you? Oh,

sorry, I'm sorry.

He's early.

Well, no, it's not.

It's gone seven.

Oh, God, seven.

That's not early for me, but... I realised it might

be early for you.

So that's why I was going to slip away. Slip, not sneak. I just didn't make a

very good job of it.

I see.

Look, why don't you go back to sleep?

No, no, no. I'm up. Coffee?

Yes, please.

If you've got any leftover potatoes and cabbage, we could have bubble and

squeak.

With a couple of fried eggs on top.

Do you always start the morning with bubble and squeak?

Only if there's any leftover potatoes and cabbage.

Of course, really good bubble and squeak. Do you like it, by the way?

I don't think I've ever tried it. Oh, it's smashing.

Especially when you get a light brown crust on the top.

Not too much fat in the pan.

That's the secret.

Look, if you are a breakfast man, you obviously are. I mean, I could cook you

something. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, thank you.

There's a cafe on the way to work. I'll stop off and get a pie.

You usually start work this early.

Well, it's the light, you see. If you work outdoors, you have to have the

Van Gogh used to work at night with candles in his hat.

He wasn't a landscape gardener, was he?

So... Yes?

Well, about the bed thing.

The bed thing?

Well, um, last night.

I know when it was.

Yes, well... About last night, um... Now, look, Mike, we're both grown up. We

don't have to analyse things.

We don't have to give it ratings out of ten.

What about last night?

Well, I was, uh... I was just going to say I'm glad that it's out of the way.

Well, no, no, no, I didn't mean it to sound like that. What I mean to say is,

well, there was a sort of barrier between us, and now that we're over it,

it should release some of the tension.

And we can be more... More relaxed. More relaxed.

More easy.

Oh, yes, we can, that's true.

Ah, look, I really must be going.

Oh, that's it, then, is it?

Well, I do have a lot of work to do. Oh, I see what you're getting at. No, I'm

not getting at anything.

Look, I wasn't just going to disappear, you know. I mean, I would like to see

you again soon.

Oh, I didn't say anything about seeing me again soon.

Oh.

What do you mean by soon, anyway? How soon is soon?

Well, what about lunch?

Oh, no, I may be busy for lunch.

All right, then, you're busy for lunch. No, I only said maybe.

Oh, make up your mind. Oh, don't listen.

I'm difficult not to.

Ah, look, what about it?

Ah, well, nothing much.

Just a sandwich and a pint in the pub.

You don't have to. Well, I know I don't have to. I would like to, yes or no?

Yes. Good.

One o 'clock then. Yes, one o 'clock, fine.

Only if you want to.

I'm going now. Yes. Look, you want a hand with the vat. No, no, no, no, no,

no. Don't bother. I'll find somebody.

Oh, right.

One o 'clock. One o 'clock, yes. Right.

Right, well.

So... Cheerio, Mark. Cheerio. Cheerio.

I should get some sleep if I were you. Yes.

Morning, Charlie.

What do you call this?

Why do you always have to say that if you're here before I am?

Well, it's part of my responsibility as the workforce.

Keep the management on its toes. Aye, yes.

Well, if that's the workforce, we'd like to get out the management's chair and

make the management a cup of tea.

If this was a proper firm, we'd have a tea boy. If this was a proper firm,

be the tea boy.

Any messages?

What on that thing?

Nah, it's going on the blink again.

Yep.

Or it's a cup of tea.

I bet I've been slipping. That's none of your business.

Trying to wake me up, are we? It's none of your business.

I'm an empty woman who... None of your business.

Couldn't have been the little cracker.

Must have been the pussy one.

Why couldn't it have been the little cracker?

Well?

Well, what?

Serious?

I don't know.

Well, you ought to make their mind up.

They're the younger ones. That's all right, Charlie.

I want your advice about my personal life. I'll ask for it, all right?

Yeah, all right. Suit yourself.

If you were me...

And all you had to offer was what I've got to offer.

Would it worry you?

No.

You don't open what you've got.

You open what you are. Yeah.

It's in your case. All right, all right.

Anyway, like middle ages.

You don't have to marry her now, you know. I'm talking about marriage.

What do I talk about?

I don't really know.

I don't know. Said about survival... Oh, by the way.

Some bloke phoned.

Well, he said there weren't any messages.

On that thing I said, I took the message myself.

Said his name was... Oh, Anderson.

Anderson? Yeah.

Well, what did he say?

I gave him a quote last week. What did he say?

He said, could you call round as soon as you can? Ah, that means yes, John.

It's a big job.

He's got a huge gun.

That's what we need.

What will you do? No, I will not.

If he accepts, we'll do the job ourselves.

I don't care if we work all out.

We do the job ourselves.

It'll get the word round.

It may be small.

But where do I head?

up for me as well.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.

Oh, Plastek and the pets. You could lash out another five teams.

Look,

I'll give you a ring.

Are

you

feeling better now, Harry?

A little, thank you, Helen.

You've been most kind listening to my problems with Jean.

I really mustn't keep you any longer.

Ah, well.

If you're sure you're all right.

Do you have any lectures today?

Yes, but I shan't go in. I couldn't lecture.

I have no work left.

Oh, good Lord, is that the time? I really must be getting tired.

Would you like some lunch, Harry?

No, I mustn't impose further. I've been here since the party last night.

Ah, well, if you're sure you're all right. Well, possibly just an ominous

female.

Helen,

I've got to talk to someone.

Well, what about?

Oh, these plain games.

These might plain games.

I know I was when I said I was busy tonight and I despised... myself for it.

But if you want to play a game, well, I can play a game too.

On the other hand, you might be telling the truth.

Well, where does that leave me?

Well, what do you think?

Laura, I don't even know what you're talking about.

Mike, he stayed last night.

Oh.

Yes.

You see what I mean?

Well, what... What sort of games did he want to play?

Last night?

No, he asked me to lunch today and then he rang up and cancelled it and I didn't

believe him. Well, why?

Because I've been through all that kind of thing before.

Well, I don't think Mike's like that. I don't know what Mike's like.

Now, Laura, don't you think you're being a bit young about all this? Yes, and if

I was younger, it'd be all right. I'd be expected to be like this. Look, Laura.

Yes, I know.

I think I'll make some lunch.

Well, not for me, thank you.

Oh, I don't know. I've been up since seven.

Scrambled eggs would be nice.

Delicious.

Hello.

Phil,

what are you doing home?

Well, I do live here.

Yes, but you don't usually come home at lunchtime.

I know, and I'm still a bit tired from the party last night.

spending most of the evening worrying about Mike and Laura and most of the

listening to Harry drooling off.

So, I thought I'd pop home and spend a nice quiet hour with my wife.

Just the two of us.

What?

in the waiting room. Do what I said. This is the waiting room, where your

patients wait to see you in the consulting room, which is obviously the

Oh, don't be silly, Phil. I'm not.

You're running a one -woman counselling service.

Anyone with problems, they come to you.

Cues of them. Only two?

One of whom has been here since last night, and the other of whom, your

comes round about 20 times a week anyway.

Oh, fine.

Get her to move in.

Look, Phil, she's worried about Mike.

Mrs. Dale was worried about Jim. You know how many bloody years that... We've

washed up.

Well, thanks for lunch.

I think Harry and I should be going now.

Aren't we having coffee?

Yes, we are. Have coffee.

Stay to dinner.

Stay the night again. Stay the week.

Phil. I see.

Well, I'm sorry that you begrudge a little of your wife's time.

It's just that I'd like a little of it to myself.

He's right. Come on, Harry. Oh, Laura, don't go. I'll phone you.

It's all your fault anyway.

You introduced me to Mike in the first place.

Come on, Harry.

Come on.

Well, congratulations, Mr.

Charm. Well, I'm sorry, Harry.

It's all very well you being a shoulder for the world to cry on.

How about finding time to listen to some of my problems?

Oh, Phil.

I just feel a bit left out sometimes.

Oh, you can't feel what?

I don't... Oh, darling.

Oh, darling.

Just what?

No, really, no.

You're alone.

Let's be alone together.

I just don't go for rebounds.

They usually rebound.

But I'm only suggesting that we go to the cinema.

Oh, no.

We just wouldn't do... Hello.

Thank you.

Hello.

I'm just going in for some lunch.

So I see.

Hello again.

Hello.

Where are you going?

Me?

I'm going to the cinema with Harry.

Well, thanks, Harry.

Harry!

You're not in awe of me, are you?

No. Good.

Jean was, you mean.

Harry!

I was very aware of you in the cinema.

No, no.

I often used to forget that Jean was with me. I can't do that with you

find you stimulating.

That's an excellent basis for our relationship.

Harry, we've just been to the pictures. We haven't got a relationship.

Ah, but why did we go to the pictures?

I'll tell you.

Because you wanted to.

You gripped my arm quite tightly.

Asked about going to the pictures with that long streak of... Hello again.

Now look, Harry.

Clear off.

Ha, ha, ha.

I'm laughing.

And furthermore, you might like to know that I boxed at Cambridge.

And I roller skated for Heathrow Primary.

You mean you want him to stay? Of course you don't. No, I don't. Ah.

And I don't want you to stay either. Ah.

You can just go both of you. Just go away.

I shan't be back, Laura.

Oh,

Mike.

That's the next.

You, out.

Your monosyllabic threats are beginning to irritate me. Is that a fact? Yes, it

is. Well, here is the last threat I'm going to make.

All monosyllabic.

Push off.

Skimhead.

Skimhead?

Glass of wine?

No, thank you.

Well?

Well, what?

Well, you know what. Don't you get masterful with me? I'm not being

I'm just fed up, that's all.

Well, that makes two of us.

Good Lord, all right. said was that I couldn't make lunch. You seemed to be

making lunch when I saw you. That was business.

Oh, was she? Oh, yes, she was.

Mrs. Anderson, with whom I'm about to work.

And in case you didn't notice, two steps behind her was Mr. Anderson.

Oh. Yes.

Oh.

Glass of wine?

No, thank you.

Is that why you went to the pictures with Count Dracula?

Yes, it was. Now, have I gone red? Yes. Yes, yes.

And I told you I was busy this evening.

I didn't believe you. Oh, how can you be so bright and so dim at the same time?

What are you talking about now?

This morning, Mike.

Can't you see?

Look, we've taken a step and I don't know where we go from here.

I don't know what I think of you and I don't know what you think of me. I don't

know if we're going anywhere or if there's anywhere to go to or if we've

somewhere and we haven't even recognised it.

Am I making sense? I can't be.

Well...

I was thinking about that.

And?

I don't really know.

You never say anything, do you? You open your mouth and a lot of nothing comes

out. You know, your mind's like a little secret garden.

There's a tiny little door and you won't let anybody in.

Well, I don't have the key.

And I'm not a potlicker.

Everything's okay?

Well, good. I'll tell Helen.

Anyway, I can't stop.

These are for Laura. I was a bit rude.

Will you tell her I'm sorry? Yeah, well, I might not bother. Bye, Mike.

Don't go.

I haven't.

Oh, Mike.

They're lovely.

I say you don't say anything and then you give me these and they say

They're not from me.

What?

They're from Phil.

Oh.

He said he was sorry he was rude.

Why was he rude?

Oh, because I went round to Helen's and talked the same sort of rubbish that I'd

be talking to you all day.

Lots of wine?

Ah, yes, please.

Oh, sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't bring the flowers.

I plant quite a lot of flowers. I like flowers.

But I never really think that they say anything.

Well, they do.

The vegetables?

The vegetables.

See, I thought if you had anything for dinner that went with potatoes and

cabbage in the morning, we could use the leftover

potatoes and cabbage for a bubble and squint.

Well,

I suppose if we're talking about bread... First, we must be having an

Yes, I suppose we must.

Well,

what about dinner? Have you anything that goes with potatoes and cabbage?

I mean, I don't know. I've not planned anything. I've had a very busy day.

There's a tin of spaghetti.

Sounds terrible, doesn't it?

Still, it's worth a try.

It's worth a try.

This is a fine romance.