Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's Mappetato.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no...

got a job.

This is a fine romance.

Jerry, please help me.

Shall we just have a cigarette on it?

Whenever you like.

It's your home, too.

There are people here who love you.

They look at you and Tina.

Share with you peace and contentment.

Of course.

And just think it won't be for this time only.

That is, if you will help me keep what we have.

We both try hard to... to protect that little strip of territory that's ours.

We can talk about your child.

Our child.

And will you be happy, Charlotte?

Oh, Terry, don't let's ask for the moon.

We have the time.

You could have had my front teeth out there. My head.

What were you doing around there anyway?

I was trying to kiss the back of your neck.

Well, why?

Well, I don't know. Does there have to be a why? I just felt like it.

You could have waited till the film was over.

Talk about pouring cold water on a romantic mood.

Well, I had a romantic mood. I had Paul Henry.

It didn't even have a happy ending. It wasn't meant to have a happy ending.

That's why it was so romantic.

Well, if your idea of romance is watching Paul Henry sticking two... fags

his mouth. Well, all right.

What's yours?

What? Your idea of romance.

In the film? Yes.

Barbarella.

Jane Fonda stepping out of that space suit.

Well, what do you mean?

That's not romance. There wasn't even anybody else there.

There was, when I think about it.

It's all... Fantasy time with you, isn't it?

Well, are you saying that as you or as Betty Davis? Oh, all right, all right,

all right.

I mean, it's all make -believe on there, isn't it?

It's got nothing to do with real life.

Oh, real life, that's different.

Yeah.

It's us in real life.

Well, should I move the van or what?

What?

It's parked on a double yellow line.

You're all right. It's half past ten at night.

Yes, I know, but those traffic wounds, they're up at the crack of dawn, aren't

they?

My God, it is real life, isn't it?

You're trying to seduce me. Me and all you're thinking about is getting a

parking ticket. No, no, no, no, I'm not trying to seduce you. I just think it's

about time we slept together, that's all.

Well, it is, isn't it?

I mean, it's been in the air for a week now, like thunder.

Yes, I've got his hat.

So, uh...

Do I move the van or what? Will you shut up about your bloody van? All right,

fine, I'm going to get a parking ticket. If that's your idea of romance, fine,

I'll just get the parking ticket.

Six pounds, isn't it? Yeah. Yes.

There.

That's a bit cold -blooded, isn't it? A bit cold -blooded, I like that.

Well, you're not making it any easier.

Well, what do you expect me to do?

I'm sorry.

We don't absolutely get the air crackling with electricity, do we?

It's a late -night film. We could watch that.

Well, yes. Yes, all right.

It's a horror.

Just the thing.

Do something for me.

I'll cancel the party and not get dressed.

No. Try and keep Mike and Laura apart tonight.

Keep them apart?

For the last few weeks, we've been trying to glue them together.

Yes. Well, I was talking to Laura this morning, and the glue's not working.

Last time I saw them, they seemed very matey. Well, they are, but there's matey

and matey.

So that's better than nothing, isn't it? No, not for my sister. She deserves

better than better than nothing.

You're not going to start matchmaking again?

No. Then why do you want to keep them apart?

Well, to give Laura some options.

What about Mike?

And Mike, and Mike, and Mike.

I used to enjoy our parties, you know.

Really enjoy them.

Nowadays, they seem designed solely for the purpose of manoeuvring Mike and

Laura about.

It's more like army exercises than parties.

For me?

Hmm. I shall exact a terrible price.

I'd expect no less.

I'm going to open some bottles.

Oh, by the way, do you want me to steer Mike towards anyone in particular?

No, just any unattached girl who looks vaguely like Barbarella.

Barbarella? That's a soft drink, isn't it?

Just open the bottles.

Hello. Oh, hello.

Thank you.

Sorry we're late.

Yeah, I couldn't get the van started. Oh, that's all right.

You look nice.

Oh, thanks.

She meant me, I think, actually. Oh, I'm sorry.

Will?

Mike and Laura.

Oh. Hello.

Smart. Very smart.

Thank you.

I meant Mike, actually.

You're very smart, too, though. Thanks.

Now, who can we introduce you to? Oh, no, no, no.

We're fine.

Yes, we're fine. We'll just potter about. No, no.

Pottering about is strictly forbidden.

Phil?

Oh, yes.

Um, yeah.

Come on, Mike.

Yes, come on, Laura.

Hello, Anne.

How are you? Oh, Phil.

It is nice to see you again.

I'm sorry, this is, um... Mike.

Mike.

Sorry?

No, I didn't mean to say yes. I meant to say hello.

Well, where have you been hiding? I haven't seen you for ages.

Oh, old married men, you know. Shame about that.

Oh, Mike here's still put loose and fancy free there, aren't you, Mike? Oh,

What do you do?

Keep looking.

I meant of a job.

It's an interesting job, actually.

Mike's a landscape gardener. It's not all that interesting. No.

You still play tennis?

No, I don't seem to find the time.

Best pair of legs in the club.

Come on. Well, it's true. You must have noticed the competition to partner you

in the mixed doubles.

You're pulling my legs. No, I never got that far.

Laura, what are you doing?

I'm reading Stevie Terrell.

But you're supposed to be fascinating David.

Who's David?

The architect with the lovely voice I introduced you to. Well, I was, and I

fascinated him so much he went off to get me a drink and hasn't been back. But

you're right, there's Mike.

Mike, Mike.

Oh, Harry, would you come and talk to Laura?

Would you talk to Laura?

Hello again.

What have you been doing with your books?

I've been reading the TV show.

My God, that's a comment.

No, it's just an account of what I've been doing.

Where's Jean?

Oh, you haven't heard. I dropped Jean.

Failed. That's what you did. Failed me.

Jean was congenitally incapable of giving me an argument about anything.

I'm sure you'll find somebody else to argue with.

You've given me an argument on something every time I've met you.

That's because I disagree with almost everything you say.

Good. I disagree. Good. I need it, you see.

Resistance. Argument. I need it. Otherwise, so far as a relationship

tend to ride roughshod over my partner.

Really? I find you very attractive.

Thank you. I could say unusually attractive.

I prefer very.

Why don't we go?

Where? Somewhere.

Anywhere. Why don't we just go?

I... No, no, thank you.

Please, Laura.

Now, bear the word. Eat.

Yes, that's a word, all right.

You're not with anybody, are you?

Yes, I'm with Mike. I meant carnally.

We'll enjoy each other, Laura, I know we should, because I think I know what you

need. I'm very dominant in bed.

What do you do, wear a German helmet?

Thanks for giving me the drink, David.

I'm terribly sorry, I bumped into Anne.

Anne, this is... This is... Fed up with Fulham, that's who I am.

Oh, there you are.

I got you something. Oh, I got something for you, too.

I'll just pop these back into the kitchen.

Mike, don't be long.

Mike,

I want you to do something.

We've messed.

I've been looking for you. I've got you some food.

I'm already spoken for. Look, I'll be frank.

What's wrong with being happy?

If you want to be dominant there, I'm prepared to stretch a point.

That's very big of you. Please, Laura, dominate me.

Very well.

Get rid of those.

You've

changed

corners. Well, anything for adventure.

Ah, Helen, Helen.

Every time they see me, they introduce me to the same girl.

I must have been introduced to her about 15 times now.

Which girl?

Um, that one.

Should I attack you? Yes, that's what she is. Do you know, I've hardly seen

all evening. Same problem.

That's mine.

With mine?

Yes. Oh, good.

I must have you, Laura.

Can't you leave people down? The party's still going on.

Not the mail, isn't it? I've had it with this party.

Dash here, dash there.

Where's Mike? Where's Laura? Keep them circulating.

It's all a waste of time. They're like magnets, those two.

You get them apart, and before you can get yourself a drink, ping, they're back

together again.

Oh, I don't know. Perhaps the glue is working after all. Yeah, perhaps we

just leave them alone.

I'll phone Laura in the morning. No, I don't want to hear Mike's name mentioned

or Laura's name mentioned for some time now.

Say, ten or twenty years.

I expect it'll all work itself out.

Sorry.

Shall we go down now?

They might want their coats.

I've got that terrible price to pay, haven't I?

Is that all you've got to say?

Go on!

You'd better answer it.

What, now?

light to something.

What?

I've got to talk to somebody.

Not us, Harry.

What's the matter?

Harry's having a little cry.

What is it, Harry? What's the matter?

It's Jean. I want Jean back.

Go and find her, then. Phil!

Dan, and tell me all about it. I didn't drop you. See, I've been telling

everybody I dropped her, but I didn't.

She dropped me.

Yes.

And I deserved it. No.

But I can't help being what I am, Helen.

I'm just too forceful for her. I'm just too strong.

It was Martin Peter.

Oh, I'm sorry, you're wrong. I'm sorry, but you're wrong.

Coffee?

Have you any football books?

I've got shelves full of football books. Well, of course I haven't got any

football books.

Well, I just thought you know so much about football, we might as well look it

up and get the facts and settle it.

Well, if you really want to make a fool of yourself, bring out the papers.

All right, I will.

on earth are we doing arguing about the 1966 World Cup final?

I don't

even

know.

What were we talking about on the way home from the party?

Butter mountains and Livingston daisies and toupees. Why?

Quite wide -ranging.

Esoteric, some of it, really, but... none of it about us, was there?

Should it have been?

Oh, I don't know.

Truth is, I think we tend to talk too much altogether.

Will you unzip me?

Pardon? Will you unzip me? I want to change.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, of course.

Go on.

I mean, go on with what you're talking about.

I...

What about?

Us.

What are you going to change into?

What's that got to do with it?

That's a pointer.

I'm looking for a pointer, really.

Mike, that's really up to you.

Yes, you're quite right.

I'm going to move the van off the W.

Where did you park the van?

Birmingham.

I couldn't get it started.

You wouldn't like to help me push it round the block, would you?

You have five seconds to rephrase that.

Ah, blow the fine.

Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it to sound like that.

Everything you say in this kind of situation sounds like that.

Well, I'm sorry, because I'm not Paul... What is that? Henry.

Yeah, him.

But if that's what you want... Got any cigarettes?

In the box there, why?

Because if that's what you want...

If this is what does a trick... If this

is what it takes...

Neither do I.

Let's skip that bit.

I have a nightie, but it's in the wash.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, they're... They're fine. I think they're very, uh... Very dinky.

Dinky?

It's not my day for words, is it? Oh, Mike, it doesn't matter.

Oh, it does.

Because just for once, I'd like to say something that was right.

Why? Because you'd like me to.

Look, if you can get by without the sheer black nightie, I can get by

the words.

Nobody got hurt.

Ah! Harry would have loved that.

Harry, why?

Never mind.

Oh!

Oh, never mind.

It's only an old jacket.

Leave him till the morning.

We've got to get up early anyhow.

What for?

To push your van off the double yellow line.

They think we're like a couple of hot tomatoes But we're

as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes A fine romance

with no wrestling A fine romance with no

nestling We two are just as prickly as cactus plants Love hasn't got a

charm

Fine romance.