All language subtitles for A Fine Romance s01e05 How To Avoid Bankruptcy

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They
think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's map of
top toes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance.

with no nestling. We might as well play
bridge with our maiden arms.

Love hasn't got a charm.

This is a fine romance.

One minute to go.

Laura, it's just a cake.

You're making it sound like a launch
from Kate Canaveral.

My baby cake, the two events are not
dissimilar.

It's a knife edge between triumph and
disaster.

It can't go wrong. Can if I made it. But
I supervised every move you made.

Leonardo da Vinci supervised his pupils,
but they didn't all produce Mona Lisas,

did they?

Thirty seconds and counting.

You're making me nervous now.

Not being able to see it.

At least when I cook things in a
saucepan I can see them go wrong.

It can't go wrong.

of a bouncing baby cake.

It worked!

What did it?

Of course it worked.

Do you think I'm ready to try a souffle?
Not today. I don't think my nose could

stand it. No.

No, quite right.

Quit while you're ahead.

All that interest in cooking.

I assume Mike is the reason.

Well, I suppose he is.

We tend to eat in rather a lot.

When we eat out, if you know what I
mean.

He says, and he's quite right, that
eating out is very expensive these days.

But he does wine and dine you sometimes,
doesn't he? Oh, yes.

Well, not exactly wine and dine me, it's
lager and hamburger me.

And when you eat in, he does bring the
wine?

Yes, he brought a bottle last week.

But as we're only halfway through that
case of German stuff I got for the

translation, I thought we might as well
work our way through that, so we are.

Flowers?

No, he'd feel silly if I bought him
flowers.

You know what I mean.

Does he bring you flowers?

Well, we're a bit old for that.

He doesn't?

No. Sounds mean to me.

No.

Careful.

That's what he is. He's careful.

Well, frugal even.

Mean.

He is mean. I've never really thought
about it before.

I've a good mind not to share my cake
with him.

Oh!

Hello, you two.

Hello, Finn. Hello, love.

Any coffee in the pot? Yes.

Piece of cake.

Ah.

Ah.

No, I don't know. You made it, right?
How did you get it?

What's the matter? You look a bit fed
up.

Yes, I'm a bit.

I've been looking at Mike's books.

Mike? Yeah, it's not a jolly read.

I'm no accountant, but that business of
his is in trouble.

Why?

Basically a cash flow problem.

No cash, no flow.

Oh.

What are you looking like that for?

We were just calling him mean.

Mean? You have to have money to be mean.

Still, these things have a way of
righting themselves, don't they?

You seen a Poseidon adventure?

Where's Mike now?

Well, from the way he looked when I left
him, probably about to jump off the

nearest bridge.

I think I'll go and see him.

Do you want to take your cake?

Um... No.

If he is about to jump off the nearest
bridge, he might be tempted to hang that

round his neck as a weight.

I shouldn't be doing this by rights, you
know.

I'm a craftsman.

I shouldn't be doing this by rights.

I'm a company director.

What do you mean, I?

You're they.

You're it.

Yeah, that's right.

I should have a labourer.

You've got one.

Stop moaning and get humping.

If this was a union shop, I'd have to
have a labourer.

I saw one man have a union.

There'd be two of us if I'd a labourer.

I'll tell you what.

Have a mass meeting with yourself and
take a vote on it.

In the meantime, just shift yourself and
get going.

I'm not loaded yet.

Yes, you are.

I'm not.

There's not enough slabs here for the
old path.

Oh, there's enough to be going on with.

That's all we've got in stock at the
moment.

You know what? I reckon a San Francisco
earthquake was more organised than you

are. Stop, brother.

Just leave these things to the
management, eh?

I'm expecting a delivery in the very
near future.

In other words, they're holding back
until you paper this look. I wish you'd

lead the running of this company to
those who know.

I would if anyone did.

This thing should be in a museum. No, go
on, clear off.

He's gonna tell me something.

Yeah, Mike?

I bought you a jersey.

Why? I mean... Thanks very much.

Why?

I have days when I buy jerseys for
people.

It's very expensive.

Why don't I get a cup of tea or
something?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yes, perhaps you'd like to go into the
office?

The boardroom has just been creosoted.

The cleaner didn't turn up this morning.

Well, I like a place of work to look
like a place of work.

I wouldn't feel comfortable if it was
too tidy.

Just as well, really.

Filthy, isn't it?

Well, at least you didn't say this place
needs a woman's touch.

Well, I couldn't.

A gang of women, perhaps. Very strong
women.

East German athlete?

That sort of thing, yes.

Filth apart, how's business?

Well, you know, up and down.

I saw Phil this morning.

Oh.

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, well.

Another business going busted. Hardly a
riveting conversation, is it? You don't

have to rivet me.

Sounds rather rude, doesn't it?

Yes, it does rather.

There's no harm in confiding in a
friend.

Oh, well, I've never been a great
confider. I mean, uh...

When I was a kid, you know, just round
about the time you're supposed to go

blind if you keep on... ..doing it, I...

I had a stye on my eyelid and I wanted
to tell

somebody about it then, but I couldn't.

No, so I wrote a note and put it in my
satchel so that if I did go blind,

somebody would find it and realise what
had happened.

You should have told me.

Well, I didn't know either.

What about this business?

How bad is it?

Well, not to put too fine a point on it,
Phil reckons I ought to declare myself

bankrupt.

Oh, my.

That's a horrible phrase, isn't it?

Sounds as though you've got the plague
or something.

Did they put a big cross on your door?

Yes, or an... Would you like sugar?

Yeah. Yeah, either that or an inverted
pound sign.

Well, I blame the government. Yeah,
well, so do I.

But then if the other lot were in power,
I suppose I'd blame them.

Oh, it's me, really.

You see, I get it all wrong.

I'm good at my job, I know that.

I'm no capability brown, but I am good
at my job. It's the organ, I think.

It's the VAT and the tax and the
bookkeeping and... I'm sorry, I'm

getting boring. No.

This beats telling people about the
thigh on your eye any day.

But what about debtors? You must have
debtors.

Oh, yes, a few, but it's such piddling
little amounts that I'm not the sort to

go round with an Alsatian.

What about the bank?

I already owe them.

Well, owe them more.

Banks love being owed money.

Well -known fact.

Yes, I suppose I could try.

Phone them now.

Now?

Yes. Well, no, I can't now.

I've got lots of things to do. What's
the number?

Now, don't get bossy. No, I'm not
getting bossy.

I just don't want to find your satchel
on the parapet of a bridge with a note

it. Now, what's the number?

Three, four, five... Oh, no, I'll have
to look it up.

There's no dialing tone.

Well, ring the operator.

How can I ring the operator without a
dialing tone?

Oh. Oh.

It's the red one.

Not paid.

Nope.

Oh, well, then, mine's over. No, no, no,
no, no. You're not getting out of it

that way. Go round to the bank in
person. I thought you were going to say

I'm a bit of a mess. That's all right.

Put on your new jersey.

You wouldn't come with me, would you?

I insist on it.

I'll not have you arriving there just as
they close.

The van's out.

We'll have to go by bus.

I always go everywhere by bus.

I like sitting upstairs at the front and
driving.

Hey. This is Kashmir. I know some goats.

Good God.

What time do you call this?

Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie.

I had to see my accountant.

You weren't tapping in for a loan.

No, no, no.

I wanted him to explain my accounts to
me so that I can explain them to the

manager when he arrives.

Well, what's he coming round here for
anyway?

Have a look at the place generally.

Help him make up his mind about the
loan.

Oh, no bother.

He'll step through that gate and turn
right round again.

Oh, you're a real comfort.

Anyway, thanks for the clean -up,
Charlie.

Didn't have to do it. Oh, no, I didn't.

I didn't intend to. No proper work for a
skilled man.

See, women.

What women?

They're women in the office.

Bossy couple. One of them in particular.

Your wife's a right little cracker.

I don't care if they're Elsie and Doris
Waters.

They've got no right to be bellicose
with a skilled man.

In the union, you'd have a stoppage on
your hands.

Oh, thanks anyway, Charlie.

Yeah, I bought this pipe myself.

All right.

I'll eat to me.

You said it would take these German
athletes.

Mit Heidi und Trudy.

Well, I don't know what to say.

Try Guten Morgen.

You're a smasher, both of you. Thanks.

Don't thank me. I was press -ganged.

By the way, I bought you some decent
cups and sauce.

In my experience, bank managers are very
influenced by what they drink, I

thought. In my experience, they're very
influenced by a short skirt.

No, I'll give him tea out of a deepened
cup when I'm not wearing a short skirt.

Now, remember, ask for more than you
want. Then he can offer you less without

losing face.

Well, as he's not Japanese, I don't
suppose he cares about losing face.

He might just say no.

No, think positive.

All right.

He will say no. No, and you don't be so
pessimistic.

Well, look at it.

I mean, you can disguise the dirt, but
you can't disguise the facts. Now, what

have I actually got to show him?

A rotten old shed?

A beat -up old van?

A staff of one?

And a pile of old debts?

Winston Churchill wouldn't have talked
like that. He would, if he'd owned this

place.

I'm sorry, I'm whining.

It's women, you see. What about women?

Well, they're easier to whine to, and
once you get started, you want to go

on and on.

Oh, I feel like having a damn good cry,
actually.

I don't think bank managers are much
impressed by tear -stained faces.

Not men's tear -stained faces.

Well, probably not.

Anyway, thanks for the support.

And if I get the loan, it's champagne
all right.

You're on.

Well, I think that's everything.

Oh.

Hello.

I bought you a cake to have with your
tea.

Oh, thanks, Helen.

Good luck, Mike.

It's gone then.

Yep.

Well?

He was a nice man, Charlie. Not just a
computer in a suit. He cared. He really

did care.

He was a nice man.

Didn't get a load?

No.

I didn't think he would.

Well, I can't say I blame him, really.

The way he explained the current
financial situation to me, I felt like

him some money.

So what happens?

Well, either I go bust now, or I make a
real fight of it

and go bust in three months' time.

I'll be out of a job.

Afraid so.

I've been thinking about that, and I've
got no idea. No, Charlie.

You ain't heard it yet. I don't have to.

Don't take me in with that old moodie of
yours, you know.

You're the sort of old idiot who'd
refuse to go. The sort of old idiot

stop on and work for nothing.

Leave off.

What? The day you can't pay my wages,
I'm off.

Now, you see, my idea was this.

I've got a little bit of money, poor
boy. No, no, no, Charlie.

No, I can't have you.

Pouring good money after bad.

Well, it's my money.

I'll do what I like with it.

Anyway, it ain't a bad little business.

And I wouldn't mind owning a bit of it.
Oh, Charlie.

No, not this.

My brother -in -law smooths out his
tobacco -ness.

You see, what I'm trying to say is this.
Now, look. Don't you worry about me.

Of course, I've got options. Thanks,
Charlie.

That's all right.

Right, well, when will you make your
mind up?

Soon. I'll let you know.

Ah, good.

I've done had me dinner.

Of course, then there'd be me redundancy
money.

Oh, that's in a pint.

Have it on me.

this habit of shutting yourself in
somewhere any time anybody disagrees

you. Agree with me, then.

Phil. It's your sister. I said my piece.

Well, say it again, more eloquently.

All right.

Laura, you're crackers.

I'm not.

Somebody's got to help Mike.

The bank won't, and if I want to lend
him some of my money, then it's my

business. I know that look. You used to
look like that when you wouldn't eat two

greens. I used to win through, though,
didn't I?

Your hair didn't curl, though, did it? I
didn't want curly hair. Then why did

you try to cut mine off with a garden
shin? This is all very fascinating.

talking about money, not curly hair.

But, Laura, for the last time, if you
put money into Mike's business, you

just as well flush it down the loo.

I mean, for all you know, he might take
your money and disappear to the south of

France. Look, you were the two who
brought us together.

You're the two who keep telling me what
a decent chap he is. Now, all of a

sudden, he's Ronald B. Yeah, and there's
another thing. He might not like owing

you money.

It's no good for the relationship, the
man owing the woman money.

particularly for the man. It has a
neutering effect.

Does that fit the piano?

Have you quite finished?

Well, what about you two giving him some
money?

It's all right. I'm joking. I'm joking.

Not one word about this. Not one.

If you do, I'll keep cooking food and
forcing it down your throats.

Good evening.

Champagne Charlie is my name.

Crack up.

He's drunk.

Mike.

I nearly quit.

I really did.

But you haven't. No.

So way landscape gardening lives.

How?

I've decided how I can raise the money.

That's how.

Well?

I'm going to tell my house.

It suddenly hit me.

I've only got three assets left.

The will to stay in business, a nice new
jersey, and my house.

So I'm going to sell my house.

You're crackers.

According to you, everyone's crackers
today.

Mike, you're insane.

Good for you, I say. I thought you
would.

It's the brotherhood of the self
-employed, see?

OK, so you make the grand gesture. You
sell your house to save your business.

Now, have you thought where you're going
to live? That was a problem.

And then it hit me.

And when you come to think about it,
it's blindingly obvious.

isn't it? Why go to all that trouble?

You could have just moved into Ralph and
House.

No, no, no, it's too pricey. Well, I
like it.

I'm worried about you. No, it's sort of
symbolic, isn't it? Yes, of a total

mental collapse. No.

No, no, no, think positively.

The only way from here is up.

You can say that again.

Oh, come on, let's all go and have a
drink.

See you in the pub.

I was thinking of lending you some
money, but you wouldn't have taken it,

you? No.

Twerp. It takes one to know one.

I was going to ask you a favour, though.

Go on.

Well, I mean, this place.

Let's face it, it's a dump.

It's not the sort of place you can spend
an evening in.

No.

Looking at an old lawnmower does have
limits as entertainment.

Yeah.

So...

I thought that when we were spending an
evening together, I mean, your flat

having more amenities... Oh, Mike, you
know you're welcome there whenever you

like. Oh, thanks.

Is that it? No.

No, there was something else.

It's a bit cheeky, really, but...

As it's been my day for Cheek, I thought
I'd push my luck. Mike, the others will

be waiting. No, no, no. I was going to
ask you all evening. I just somehow

didn't get round to it. Well, you better
have.

Right. And don't... Don't be... Don't be
mad at me. I

mean, if you're offended... Mike, for
goodness sake, oh!

Well, when I come round to your flat...
Flat, yes.

Would you mind if I used your washing
machine?

Oh, come on.

A fine romance with no wrestling A

fine romance with no nestling We two are
just as prickly as

cactus plants Love hasn't got a chance
It is a fine romance