Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's map of top toes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance.

with no nestling. We might as well play bridge with our maiden arms.

Love hasn't got a charm.

This is a fine romance.

One minute to go.

Laura, it's just a cake.

You're making it sound like a launch from Kate Canaveral.

My baby cake, the two events are not dissimilar.

It's a knife edge between triumph and disaster.

It can't go wrong. Can if I made it. But I supervised every move you made.

Leonardo da Vinci supervised his pupils, but they didn't all produce Mona Lisas,

did they?

Thirty seconds and counting.

You're making me nervous now.

Not being able to see it.

At least when I cook things in a saucepan I can see them go wrong.

It can't go wrong.

of a bouncing baby cake.

It worked!

What did it?

Of course it worked.

Do you think I'm ready to try a souffle? Not today. I don't think my nose could

stand it. No.

No, quite right.

Quit while you're ahead.

All that interest in cooking.

I assume Mike is the reason.

Well, I suppose he is.

We tend to eat in rather a lot.

When we eat out, if you know what I mean.

He says, and he's quite right, that eating out is very expensive these days.

But he does wine and dine you sometimes, doesn't he? Oh, yes.

Well, not exactly wine and dine me, it's lager and hamburger me.

And when you eat in, he does bring the wine?

Yes, he brought a bottle last week.

But as we're only halfway through that case of German stuff I got for the

translation, I thought we might as well work our way through that, so we are.

Flowers?

No, he'd feel silly if I bought him flowers.

You know what I mean.

Does he bring you flowers?

Well, we're a bit old for that.

He doesn't?

No. Sounds mean to me.

No.

Careful.

That's what he is. He's careful.

Well, frugal even.

Mean.

He is mean. I've never really thought about it before.

I've a good mind not to share my cake with him.

Oh!

Hello, you two.

Hello, Finn. Hello, love.

Any coffee in the pot? Yes.

Piece of cake.

Ah.

Ah.

No, I don't know. You made it, right? How did you get it?

What's the matter? You look a bit fed up.

Yes, I'm a bit.

I've been looking at Mike's books.

Mike? Yeah, it's not a jolly read.

I'm no accountant, but that business of his is in trouble.

Why?

Basically a cash flow problem.

No cash, no flow.

Oh.

What are you looking like that for?

We were just calling him mean.

Mean? You have to have money to be mean.

Still, these things have a way of righting themselves, don't they?

You seen a Poseidon adventure?

Where's Mike now?

Well, from the way he looked when I left him, probably about to jump off the

nearest bridge.

I think I'll go and see him.

Do you want to take your cake?

Um... No.

If he is about to jump off the nearest bridge, he might be tempted to hang that

round his neck as a weight.

I shouldn't be doing this by rights, you know.

I'm a craftsman.

I shouldn't be doing this by rights.

I'm a company director.

What do you mean, I?

You're they.

You're it.

Yeah, that's right.

I should have a labourer.

You've got one.

Stop moaning and get humping.

If this was a union shop, I'd have to have a labourer.

I saw one man have a union.

There'd be two of us if I'd a labourer.

I'll tell you what.

Have a mass meeting with yourself and take a vote on it.

In the meantime, just shift yourself and get going.

I'm not loaded yet.

Yes, you are.

I'm not.

There's not enough slabs here for the old path.

Oh, there's enough to be going on with.

That's all we've got in stock at the moment.

You know what? I reckon a San Francisco earthquake was more organised than you

are. Stop, brother.

Just leave these things to the management, eh?

I'm expecting a delivery in the very near future.

In other words, they're holding back until you paper this look. I wish you'd

lead the running of this company to those who know.

I would if anyone did.

This thing should be in a museum. No, go on, clear off.

He's gonna tell me something.

Yeah, Mike?

I bought you a jersey.

Why? I mean... Thanks very much.

Why?

I have days when I buy jerseys for people.

It's very expensive.

Why don't I get a cup of tea or something?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yes, perhaps you'd like to go into the office?

The boardroom has just been creosoted.

The cleaner didn't turn up this morning.

Well, I like a place of work to look like a place of work.

I wouldn't feel comfortable if it was too tidy.

Just as well, really.

Filthy, isn't it?

Well, at least you didn't say this place needs a woman's touch.

Well, I couldn't.

A gang of women, perhaps. Very strong women.

East German athlete?

That sort of thing, yes.

Filth apart, how's business?

Well, you know, up and down.

I saw Phil this morning.

Oh.

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, well.

Another business going busted. Hardly a riveting conversation, is it? You don't

have to rivet me.

Sounds rather rude, doesn't it?

Yes, it does rather.

There's no harm in confiding in a friend.

Oh, well, I've never been a great confider. I mean, uh...

When I was a kid, you know, just round about the time you're supposed to go

blind if you keep on... ..doing it, I...

I had a stye on my eyelid and I wanted to tell

somebody about it then, but I couldn't.

No, so I wrote a note and put it in my satchel so that if I did go blind,

somebody would find it and realise what had happened.

You should have told me.

Well, I didn't know either.

What about this business?

How bad is it?

Well, not to put too fine a point on it, Phil reckons I ought to declare myself

bankrupt.

Oh, my.

That's a horrible phrase, isn't it?

Sounds as though you've got the plague or something.

Did they put a big cross on your door?

Yes, or an... Would you like sugar?

Yeah. Yeah, either that or an inverted pound sign.

Well, I blame the government. Yeah, well, so do I.

But then if the other lot were in power, I suppose I'd blame them.

Oh, it's me, really.

You see, I get it all wrong.

I'm good at my job, I know that.

I'm no capability brown, but I am good at my job. It's the organ, I think.

It's the VAT and the tax and the bookkeeping and... I'm sorry, I'm

getting boring. No.

This beats telling people about the thigh on your eye any day.

But what about debtors? You must have debtors.

Oh, yes, a few, but it's such piddling little amounts that I'm not the sort to

go round with an Alsatian.

What about the bank?

I already owe them.

Well, owe them more.

Banks love being owed money.

Well -known fact.

Yes, I suppose I could try.

Phone them now.

Now?

Yes. Well, no, I can't now.

I've got lots of things to do. What's the number?

Now, don't get bossy. No, I'm not getting bossy.

I just don't want to find your satchel on the parapet of a bridge with a note

it. Now, what's the number?

Three, four, five... Oh, no, I'll have to look it up.

There's no dialing tone.

Well, ring the operator.

How can I ring the operator without a dialing tone?

Oh. Oh.

It's the red one.

Not paid.

Nope.

Oh, well, then, mine's over. No, no, no, no, no. You're not getting out of it

that way. Go round to the bank in person. I thought you were going to say

I'm a bit of a mess. That's all right.

Put on your new jersey.

You wouldn't come with me, would you?

I insist on it.

I'll not have you arriving there just as they close.

The van's out.

We'll have to go by bus.

I always go everywhere by bus.

I like sitting upstairs at the front and driving.

Hey. This is Kashmir. I know some goats.

Good God.

What time do you call this?

Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie.

I had to see my accountant.

You weren't tapping in for a loan.

No, no, no.

I wanted him to explain my accounts to me so that I can explain them to the

manager when he arrives.

Well, what's he coming round here for anyway?

Have a look at the place generally.

Help him make up his mind about the loan.

Oh, no bother.

He'll step through that gate and turn right round again.

Oh, you're a real comfort.

Anyway, thanks for the clean -up, Charlie.

Didn't have to do it. Oh, no, I didn't.

I didn't intend to. No proper work for a skilled man.

See, women.

What women?

They're women in the office.

Bossy couple. One of them in particular.

Your wife's a right little cracker.

I don't care if they're Elsie and Doris Waters.

They've got no right to be bellicose with a skilled man.

In the union, you'd have a stoppage on your hands.

Oh, thanks anyway, Charlie.

Yeah, I bought this pipe myself.

All right.

I'll eat to me.

You said it would take these German athletes.

Mit Heidi und Trudy.

Well, I don't know what to say.

Try Guten Morgen.

You're a smasher, both of you. Thanks.

Don't thank me. I was press -ganged.

By the way, I bought you some decent cups and sauce.

In my experience, bank managers are very influenced by what they drink, I

thought. In my experience, they're very influenced by a short skirt.

No, I'll give him tea out of a deepened cup when I'm not wearing a short skirt.

Now, remember, ask for more than you want. Then he can offer you less without

losing face.

Well, as he's not Japanese, I don't suppose he cares about losing face.

He might just say no.

No, think positive.

All right.

He will say no. No, and you don't be so pessimistic.

Well, look at it.

I mean, you can disguise the dirt, but you can't disguise the facts. Now, what

have I actually got to show him?

A rotten old shed?

A beat -up old van?

A staff of one?

And a pile of old debts?

Winston Churchill wouldn't have talked like that. He would, if he'd owned this

place.

I'm sorry, I'm whining.

It's women, you see. What about women?

Well, they're easier to whine to, and once you get started, you want to go

on and on.

Oh, I feel like having a damn good cry, actually.

I don't think bank managers are much impressed by tear -stained faces.

Not men's tear -stained faces.

Well, probably not.

Anyway, thanks for the support.

And if I get the loan, it's champagne all right.

You're on.

Well, I think that's everything.

Oh.

Hello.

I bought you a cake to have with your tea.

Oh, thanks, Helen.

Good luck, Mike.

It's gone then.

Yep.

Well?

He was a nice man, Charlie. Not just a computer in a suit. He cared. He really

did care.

He was a nice man.

Didn't get a load?

No.

I didn't think he would.

Well, I can't say I blame him, really.

The way he explained the current financial situation to me, I felt like

him some money.

So what happens?

Well, either I go bust now, or I make a real fight of it

and go bust in three months' time.

I'll be out of a job.

Afraid so.

I've been thinking about that, and I've got no idea. No, Charlie.

You ain't heard it yet. I don't have to.

Don't take me in with that old moodie of yours, you know.

You're the sort of old idiot who'd refuse to go. The sort of old idiot

stop on and work for nothing.

Leave off.

What? The day you can't pay my wages, I'm off.

Now, you see, my idea was this.

I've got a little bit of money, poor boy. No, no, no, Charlie.

No, I can't have you.

Pouring good money after bad.

Well, it's my money.

I'll do what I like with it.

Anyway, it ain't a bad little business.

And I wouldn't mind owning a bit of it. Oh, Charlie.

No, not this.

My brother -in -law smooths out his tobacco -ness.

You see, what I'm trying to say is this. Now, look. Don't you worry about me.

Of course, I've got options. Thanks, Charlie.

That's all right.

Right, well, when will you make your mind up?

Soon. I'll let you know.

Ah, good.

I've done had me dinner.

Of course, then there'd be me redundancy money.

Oh, that's in a pint.

Have it on me.

this habit of shutting yourself in somewhere any time anybody disagrees

you. Agree with me, then.

Phil. It's your sister. I said my piece.

Well, say it again, more eloquently.

All right.

Laura, you're crackers.

I'm not.

Somebody's got to help Mike.

The bank won't, and if I want to lend him some of my money, then it's my

business. I know that look. You used to look like that when you wouldn't eat two

greens. I used to win through, though, didn't I?

Your hair didn't curl, though, did it? I didn't want curly hair. Then why did

you try to cut mine off with a garden shin? This is all very fascinating.

talking about money, not curly hair.

But, Laura, for the last time, if you put money into Mike's business, you

just as well flush it down the loo.

I mean, for all you know, he might take your money and disappear to the south of

France. Look, you were the two who brought us together.

You're the two who keep telling me what a decent chap he is. Now, all of a

sudden, he's Ronald B. Yeah, and there's another thing. He might not like owing

you money.

It's no good for the relationship, the man owing the woman money.

particularly for the man. It has a neutering effect.

Does that fit the piano?

Have you quite finished?

Well, what about you two giving him some money?

It's all right. I'm joking. I'm joking.

Not one word about this. Not one.

If you do, I'll keep cooking food and forcing it down your throats.

Good evening.

Champagne Charlie is my name.

Crack up.

He's drunk.

Mike.

I nearly quit.

I really did.

But you haven't. No.

So way landscape gardening lives.

How?

I've decided how I can raise the money.

That's how.

Well?

I'm going to tell my house.

It suddenly hit me.

I've only got three assets left.

The will to stay in business, a nice new jersey, and my house.

So I'm going to sell my house.

You're crackers.

According to you, everyone's crackers today.

Mike, you're insane.

Good for you, I say. I thought you would.

It's the brotherhood of the self -employed, see?

OK, so you make the grand gesture. You sell your house to save your business.

Now, have you thought where you're going to live? That was a problem.

And then it hit me.

And when you come to think about it, it's blindingly obvious.

isn't it? Why go to all that trouble?

You could have just moved into Ralph and House.

No, no, no, it's too pricey. Well, I like it.

I'm worried about you. No, it's sort of symbolic, isn't it? Yes, of a total

mental collapse. No.

No, no, no, think positively.

The only way from here is up.

You can say that again.

Oh, come on, let's all go and have a drink.

See you in the pub.

I was thinking of lending you some money, but you wouldn't have taken it,

you? No.

Twerp. It takes one to know one.

I was going to ask you a favour, though.

Go on.

Well, I mean, this place.

Let's face it, it's a dump.

It's not the sort of place you can spend an evening in.

No.

Looking at an old lawnmower does have limits as entertainment.

Yeah.

So...

I thought that when we were spending an evening together, I mean, your flat

having more amenities... Oh, Mike, you know you're welcome there whenever you

like. Oh, thanks.

Is that it? No.

No, there was something else.

It's a bit cheeky, really, but...

As it's been my day for Cheek, I thought I'd push my luck. Mike, the others will

be waiting. No, no, no. I was going to ask you all evening. I just somehow

didn't get round to it. Well, you better have.

Right. And don't... Don't be... Don't be mad at me. I

mean, if you're offended... Mike, for goodness sake, oh!

Well, when I come round to your flat... Flat, yes.

Would you mind if I used your washing machine?

Oh, come on.

A fine romance with no wrestling A

fine romance with no nestling We two are just as prickly as

cactus plants Love hasn't got a chance It is a fine romance