Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no nestlings. We might as well play bridge with our

maiden aunts. Love hadn't got a charm.

It is a fine romance.

Yeah, madam is?

Doesn't madam look beautiful?

What do you think?

Well, I mean, I think this finally is, madam. I really do.

You don't like it?

It's a bit matronly.

That's what I thought.

It's beautiful at the back and horrible at the front.

No, madam.

Very soft, very flattering.

I think it really is, madam.

No, no. It might be madame in 20 years' time. Try the red one again.

You don't think the red one's a bit... Well, you like the bloke. It's supposed

to be a bit... I'll try the red one again.

As madame wishes.

I still think it's too tight. Well, it is supposed to hug madame.

But madame is quite, uh, poor.

Madame's going to bang around the head in a minute.

Now, you want to look glamorous.

Peggy Arbuckle wanted to look thin.

Nora!

You disappear too.

Ladies lingerie.

For me?

Well, in a sense.

She's still in there.

Well, it takes time.

I've forgotten what the outside world looks like.

Well, you're very patient when I'm trying on dresses.

Well, that's different.

The end result is so worthwhile.

Little Laura.

Shh.

Yeah, madam is.

Doesn't madam look beautiful?

full. Madam looks full.

It's too tight. Shut up.

Very glamorous.

You might just get away with it. I can't breathe and I can't walk. Of course you

can. I can't and I certainly couldn't sit down.

I'd have to stand up all evening not breathing.

Wait for my face to turn the same colour as the dress.

I definitely think madam would turn heads.

People asphyxiating usually do.

No good. I've got to get out of this.

And bring your crowbar.

What a loss for the diplomatic corps you were.

It was.

I don't know what got into your sister.

She doesn't wear things like that.

Ben. What?

Ben. The bloke she met in Brussels. That's what's got into her.

Hmm. That was all very quick, wasn't it?

I've got my doubts about him. Well, she's happy, Phil. Leave it at that.

I thought she and Mike were getting quite friendly.

Maybe they were, but they're friendly and they're special, isn't there?

Hmm.

I just think Mike was a nice bloke, that's all.

Well, I think he's a nice bloke, too.

But let's face it, he is a bit second division, isn't he?

I wouldn't put your sister in Liverpool's club.

Excuse me, madam.

I wonder if madam could assist madam.

Yes, of course.

Because madam's zip's broken and madam's stuck in this dress. That's why.

The end of his little fishing rod is broken off.

Whose little fishing rod?

Cyril? Look, madam.

Oh, Cyril the Gnome.

Yes, yes, I get the picture.

The end of Cyril the Gnome's little fishing rod has broken off and you'd

somebody to put it back on again.

Yes, yes, yes, I understand. But you see, I'm a landscape gardener.

It's the only one you've got.

Like a little friend.

Well, surely a neighbour.

No, people aren't as friendly as they were during the war.

But I surely can't be your last resort.

I am?

Oh. Right, well, if you just give me the details, I'll get somebody round there

just as soon as I can.

The address, please.

Is that too old?

Fine.

Right, I'll... No, it'll be our pleasure to stick little Cyril's fishing rod

back in.

Goodbye.

Why do I let people do it to me?

Do what?

I've just agreed to repair someone's garden gnome.

God, I wonder you'll float if we bankrupt it.

Well, she was an old lady.

Yeah, they all say that.

Anyway, I ain't coming here to talk about business mismanagement.

I've come in here to state quite categorically that I am not finishing

job in Water Avenue.

What do you mean?

What do I say? I'm not going back there.

Not another Doberman. No, worse than that, a predatory female.

For two days she's been giving me the eye. I can't take it anymore.

Oh, come on, Charlie.

Oh, I know, I know. I'm not the strappy lad I was.

But it's true.

Everywhere I go, her eyes are on me.

Pouring through my clothes to my body. Your animal magnetism has given a bit of

pleasure to some little old lady we're having.

Oh, she's not old.

And she's certainly not little.

Lansing about in her patio, dressed in nothing but a couple of bits of string.

When they come round, she might as well be naked.

And this half -naked young woman is undressing you with her eye?

Constantly.

Oh, you can laugh.

They're one of the assets of the job, women like that.

More money than sense.

Probably bored.

Up comes a tradesman, and before you know it, wallop. Yeah, it's never

to me.

Well, that's nothing to go by.

You're not telling me she actually tried anything on?

Only because I won't give it a chance.

I've infused all up with a refreshment.

I won't sit down.

And I keep the edge between me and her at all times.

Anyway, I'm not going back to you.

You're not having me on about this, are you?

Of course I'm not.

If you're going to finish the job yourself, you'll find out.

Well, it looks as though I'm going to have to, doesn't it?

Don't try to sound reluctant.

Look at you, you're foaming at the mouth.

No, I'm not.

Here, look here.

You be careful, see, and don't get taken in. By what?

This woman.

The only queen of bodies she's after. Oh, I've been after a woman like that

my life.

Anyway, I thought you'd find yourself a girlfriend.

Me? No.

Well, what about that one you took out the other weekend?

Oh, Laura.

Now, she wasn't after me, buddy.

In fact, I don't think she was after anything to do with me at all.

And I somehow can't see her lounging about in two bits of string.

Oh, well, that's all you want from life.

Ah, it'll do to be going on with.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm having me dinner.

Oh, no, you're not.

I've got another job for you. The address is on the pad.

All right, what is it?

A piece has snapped off little Cyril.

And this lady wants you to fix it back on again.

Anybody at home?

It's Selway Landscape Gardening. I've come to see about your... About my what?

No.

Hedge.

Hedge? Oh, fine.

You're a different man.

Yes.

Younger. True.

I'm a director of the firm.

The director of the firm, actually.

Very kind of you, but there's no rush. I'm in no hurry.

So, this is the... This is the headstone.

It looks very much like a head. Oh, yes, yes, yes, quite.

Why don't you take your shirt off?

Pardon?

It's awfully hot.

Oh, well, it's all right.

Perhaps a button or two?

Oh, I hate clothes.

Do you?

I prefer to run about stark naked in weather like this.

Would you really?

Would you like a drink?

I haven't done anything yet.

Build your strength up.

Charlie.

Good old Charlie.

What are you doing?

Shut up. You know what you're doing.

A postcard from Brussels.

You've been back for days. Now you tell me you're busy.

Linda, it's business.

We've got all afternoon.

You're still a swine.

Yes.

You are a swine.

Hungry? I would be if you were cooking dinner.

Now, that's not fair. Laura's a very good cook on her day.

I must have missed it.

Oh!

My floating islands have sunk.

Oh, dear. Floating islands? Pudding. It's special custard with little islands

meringue floating in it. Only mine aren't floating. They've sunk.

That's not the point.

All right, calm down. I'll have a look. Oh, would you? Just relax.

Sit down.

Talk to Phil.

Relax.

Uh -oh.

I'd hate to see you in your tent.

It's sloppy, isn't it?

Miss Benn, does he always have this effect on you? Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Hmm. What's that meant to mean?

Well, you wouldn't be in this state if Mike were coming to dinner.

You make that sound like an accusation. And no, I wouldn't.

I like Mike, Phil, but he's not the kind of man to get me into any state at all.

He's not even drunk.

He's never tried that.

I'm afraid you've had the floating bit. Oh!

But we're slinging some peaches, soak them in brandy, set light to them.

And call them flaming eyelids.

Last time I flambéed anything, I burnt off my left eyebrow.

I'll flambé you take the credit.

Sounds fair.

Ben will be here soon.

This is beginning to sound like the second coming.

Phil. Sorry, sorry.

You like him.

Everybody likes him.

He's not one of those life and soul of the party jokers.

What is the matter with you? He thinks it should be Mike.

I just think Mike's a nice flirt, that's all.

I'm not old enough to settle for nice.

When I get the blue rinse, then I'll settle for nice.

Do you know what she means by that? Yes.

Well,

if I were a woman, I'd rate niceness rather highly.

With your legs, you'd have to.

If I were a woman, I wouldn't have my legs, would I?

They wouldn't be thin and hairy. They'd be long and slender.

Rather lovely, actually. We can't choose our equipment, you know.

We're stuck with what we've got. Now look what you've done.

It's all right, it's all right. I'm not going to lose my temper with this

slender -legged lovely because I'm not in a temper -losing mood.

No, honestly, Phil, when you meet Ben, you'll see what I mean. He... Well,

Let's just say I'm very lucky.

Hello?

Ben!

Where are you?

Oh, but you're supposed to be...

Your what?

No, you didn't mention it.

Well, give her my best wishes, won't you?

No, I don't want to talk.

I don't like obscene telephone calls, so I'm going to hang up now. Because if I

go on any longer, this is going to become one.

Laura?

That's another thing about Ben.

He's full of surprises.

Like being married.

I was just parting.

Are you nice?

What?

I don't know. Who am I to judge? You probably are.

Oh, thank you very much. So go away.

You've been crying.

I have not.

What's that water running down your face?

I'm leaking.

Don't you touch that.

I wasn't going to. I was just going to have one myself.

Oh, that's all right, then.

floating, flaming, sunken, drunken island.

No, thanks.

Very wise.

What's the matter?

Nothing. All right, I'll put it another way. What's the matter?

What's the matter?

What's the matter? There must be something the matter with you. You keep

me, what's the matter?

What's the matter? What do you want to know for? Why should you care?

Well, if you must know, I'm after my Rover Scout's caring badge.

I listen to six people's problems and then I get the badge.

I've been through five already and you're the only one I've got left.

Anyway, I don't like to see nice people crying and I happen to think you're a

nice person.

Well, if you must know the reason, his name is Ben and I met him in Brussels.

And why are you crying?

Oh, nothing much.

Just found out he's married.

You met him in Brussels and you've only just found out he's married? Yes.

Oh, what a prune.

I'd use stronger language than that to describe him. Oh, not him, you.

Oh.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks for being so sympathetic.

I wish you'd stop stuffing that goo down yourself.

I like it. Oh, you're eating because you're upset. I'm eating because I think

it's lovely.

Surely it came up in the conversation. Don't say it came up.

What? Your marriage.

Well, it obviously didn't.

Or I asked the question and developed hysterical deafness when he replied.

I mean, it's not as if you're a young girl.

Have you been to charm school while I've been away?

Long so blind as those who won't see. Oh, shut up. I suppose they must have

you coming. Shut up! And go...

That's the first sensible thing you've said since I arrived.

I couldn't get the coffee grinder to work, so I made instant.

I haven't got a coffee grinder.

Thanks for making me cry.

It's a gift.

You must think I'm a real twerp.

Takes one to know one.

Being an old twerp, I don't like.

You look younger since you've been sick.

Perhaps that's the answer.

Vomit your wrinkles away.

You weren't really passing, were you?

No.

Truth is, I had a lousy day. I needed cheering up.

You chose the right place.

I did, didn't I?

What's the matter?

Well, you're at it now. I know.

What's the matter?

Well, I made a fool of myself, too.

Not with a married woman.

No, with a nymphomaniac.

I didn't know a man could make a fool of himself with a nymphomaniac.

No, no, it never got that far.

A boyfriend turned up. Oh.

Trust me, to pick a nymphomaniac with a boyfriend, what it's worth.

Takes one to know one.

I don't believe that.

Laura.

Ben! I have to see you.

Will you see me now? Push off. Oh, now, please, listen.

I listened to you before. I listened to you in Brussels.

Look, if you'd like me to go... Who's that?

Never mind who that is. Oh, well, I mind.

I'm sorry. I don't want you to go.

I thought I told you to push off. No, I'm not going until you've listened to

Mike, throw him out.

Well,

you could just listen to him.

I was going to tell you, Laura. Honestly, I was.

Why didn't you tell me in Bradford? Or did it slip your memory?

Have we met somewhere?

No, I don't think so.

Look, who is this?

Mind your business.

I wish you'd stop saying that. I'm sorry. Well?

Well, it never came up.

I mean, you could have been married for all I knew.

We were just two people enjoying each other's company.

Well, when I got home from work today and found Maggie had the flu... Who's

Maggie? My wife.

I rang you and I told you the truth. Now, I could have lied.

I could have said I had to work late.

You mean too much to me for that, Laura.

Oh, is she, by the way?

Who? Your wife.

Oh, well, you know what the flu is.

She'll be all right. I tucked her up in bed. Oh, that's the best place. Oh,

wonderful. So you tucked your wife up in bed, slipped her to get a prescription

filled and make sure of my availability when she recovers? Oh, don't make it

sound like that. Well, how else can it sound? How long have you got? Ten

minutes? Oh, time for a quickie.

More, more.

Oh, I'm sorry, but you said two.

I'd forgotten how sensitive men are.

Oh, now, Laura, please listen. You're not like that for me.

I mean, meeting you in Brussels, it was very special.

But I couldn't get away earlier. Maggie really felt awful.

I'd been up in Birmingham all day... You haven't, you know.

What? I thought I recognised you.

I have never seen you in my life before.

Have a clue. One across.

Champagne.

What are you two talking about? Who the hell are you, anyway?

Captain Decent.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, you really are a swine, Ben.

What are you talking about?

Well...

I'm sorry, Laura.

Maybe it's better this way.

Goodbye, Captain Deasons.

Oh, God.

I thought he was going to hit me for a minute.

I shall hit you in a minute if you don't tell me what's going on.

He lied to you, and if he lied once, he probably lied twice. He wasn't in

Birmingham this afternoon.

How do you know?

Because he's the bloke who pinch -mined them for mania.

Oh. Did for us both, really.

He's had quite a day.

Busy Ben.

I knew it was too good to be true.

What do you say this stuff is called?

Floating Islands.

I don't see any islands.

They sank.

A fine romance with no pinching.

A fine romance with no pinching. They think we're like a couple

of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

No wrestling A fine romance With no nestling We

two are just as prickly as cactus plants Love hasn't got a chance

This is a fine romance