Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance.

with no nestlings. We might as well play bridge with our maiden arm.

Love hasn't got a chance.

This is a fine romance.

He looked as though he'd had a piece of very bad news.

Suspected woodworm, perhaps.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's a relation, presumably.

Oh, we've seen this one before.

Have we?

Well, maybe not.

Maybe I'm getting ethnic mask blindness.

Yes, I think that's what it is.

They're all running into one big mask and it's speaking to me. It's saying,

Laura, what on earth are you doing here?

Look, somewhere to go on a wet Sunday afternoon, isn't it?

Well, I know it's a bit dull.

The trouble is we're not making something out of it.

It's a knack making something out of nothing.

And I haven't got it.

You weren't looking for a contradiction, were you? No. Good.

Fred Astaire would know what to do.

Why Fred Astaire?

Well, I mean, he would, wouldn't he? I mean, in his films, anyway, he always

does.

I mean, if he were here now, he'd... He'd...

Fine, do a whole routine around these masts.

What do you think he'd think?

I love the looks of you. The lure of you.

I love to make a tour of you.

The arms, the eyes, the mouth of you. The east, west,

north and the south.

Are you laughing at me?

Yes, I am.

Well, at least you're laughing, but there's no need to make a meal of it.

People will look.

They already are, Fred.

I'm all hot now.

You think we should, uh, skulk away?

Well, you'll have to do a Gene Kelly. It's still pouring outside.

Oh, no.

What? Turn you back. Turn you back.

Ah! Too late.

Hello again.

Hello. Harry and Gene, we met at the party last night.

Hello. Yes, so we did.

We were having an awfully interesting discussion.

An awfully interesting discussion about death.

Harry, thank you. Blasphemated by death.

Yes, I can believe that.

Hello.

Hello. Join the party. I'm Harry, that's Jean, and this is Laura.

Well, I know it's Laura. I'm with her.

Yes, of course, you were at the party, too.

And you would be... Fred at the chair. He would be Fred at the chair.

No, no, Mike.

Right.

You're not built like a dancer.

No, I don't dance like a dancer either.

I like you two.

You're odd.

We just popped in to get out of the rain.

What do you think of it all?

I can tell you without looking. Yes, I thought you might.

You see, unless one thinks mask, one is wasting one's time.

After all, what is a mask?

When you come right down to it, A mask is really only something which covers

face.

Anyone want to challenge me on that? Harry loves being challenged.

How could anyone challenge a statement as profound as that? All right, I'll

you leeway.

Think, think through the mask.

What, now at the other side?

Exactly. And remember, you're now inside the mask. Now what have you got?

A sweaty face.

Fear? Heat.

You see? She's challenging me.

Well, I... I'm sorry, but I really think we ought to go. I hope you enjoy it.

Look here.

What about coming round to my place this evening?

Nothing special?

A plonk? People?

Ideas? Yes.

Well, yes.

The smash -smashing. Great.

That's where I live.

Say, seven -ish?

Yes, sir. Smash. Good.

Come on, Jean.

And do try not to agree with everything I say.

Shall we?

But how?

Oh, do come on.

That's a good idea.

You must tell me.

All right.

You're flat.

It's all right.

I know the difference between coming in for a coffee and coming in for a coffee.

And you and I are the difference.

Oh, well.

Put as romantically as that.

I will give you a quick summary of the Greek ethos.

Do you think I should change for this evening?

Oh, I shouldn't think so.

What was it? People, plonk and ideas?

Well, you're people. If you take a bottle of plonk and listen to his ideas,

should be fine.

Are you changing?

Why should I? I'm not going.

Not going? No.

But I said we were.

You said you were?

Yes, but I was saying yes for both of us.

Then you're a little chauvinist piglet, aren't you?

You're not women's lib, are you? No. Well, not unless it suits me.

No, look, I wouldn't have gone anywhere. I mean, if Harry's a sample of some of

the ideas that will be floating about, it'll be like standing in a room full of

very soggy, wet rice pudding.

Yeah, she's a bit boring.

A bit?

Well, very then, very boring.

Then why say yes?

Well, I always say yes before I change my mind.

Well, lose my nerve, actually.

And, well, I mean, you never know, you see. I mean, sometimes you might go

somewhere and meet someone who's really nice.

You're already with somebody who is extraordinarily nice. Yes,

I know that.

Well, are you going to come or what?

No.

Well, uh, I'm good.

Fine.

Uh, what, uh, what will you do?

Wash up.

Uh, no, no, I mean, uh, on your own this evening. I mean, you will be on your

own, won't you?

Now, look, you just go off to your party.

Why, you're not going to work, are you? Yes, that's right.

I've got a 350 -page manuscript to translate, and I'm going to work.

But you'll be on your own. Look, will you stop saying that?

Yes, I'll be on my own. I just don't go on about it.

What are you doing?

Well, you're crying.

No, I'm not. One of my contact lenses has slipped round.

Oh.

Can I help? No, you just go off to your party.

Well, I can't just go off and leave you on your own with a contact lens that's

slipped round. Why not?

Well, it makes you look so vulnerable.

Well, you should see me when one falls out altogether. You'll probably burst

into tears.

Ah, there.

Ah, got it.

There. Now, off you can go. Now to your party.

Look, why don't you and I... go out and have dinner together?

Oh, no, I'm not being your good deed for the week. Oh, I'm not a charity unit,

you know.

I've got nowhere to go either.

What about the party?

Oh, well, I'm going off that idea.

You see, the longer the gap between accepting the invitation and actually

I'm more than likely to go off the whole idea entirely.

So if you went home to change before taking me out to dinner...

You probably wouldn't come back.

Yeah, it's possible.

Well, you'd better sit there while I go and get ready, then, haven't you?

You're going to come?

Yes, please.

Ah, that's great.

I'm looking to see if it's full.

And is it full?

I don't know. I can't see.

The window's all steamed up.

There's no good going by all the empty tables, you know. They could all be

reserved. I played it clever.

I asked.

I'm sorry about the charade through the window.

I just didn't want to make a fool of myself by coming in and finding the

full. Pardon, monsieur, mais je ne parle pas l 'anglais.

Je m 'excuse.

Il faut excuser mon ami, monsieur, mais il est complètement fou.

Oh, quelle dommage.

Vraiment.

Fou? Fou?

That means crackers.

You've just turned him on to crackers.

Well, if you've been standing where he was standing, looking at you through the

window. Still.

Bonsoir, monsieur.

Bonsoir, madame.

Would you like a drink before your meal?

Yes, yes, please.

Gin and tonic, please.

And for you, sir?

The same.

Good. With ice and lemon?

No, thank you.

Sorry. One with, one without.

Sorry, please.

One with and one without.

Sorry, I get used to ordering on my own. No, no, no, it's all right.

Ah, I'll take that, thank you.

There you are.

Now then, what would you like to eat?

The wine list.

Sorry, look, you don't have to impress me, you know. Well, no, no, I'm not.

That's the trouble.

When I really try to impress people, then everything goes to pieces.

Two jeans, and Tony.

Thank you, and if I could have the menu.

I like the way I've forced the menu out of him.

Oh, cheers.

Oh, cheers.

I'm really glad that we're here.

Are you?

Yes, yes, I am.

You don't have to say that. No, no, no, I know, I don't have to. I'm sorry,

we're not ready to...

fancy. Why are you winking?

Do you know something about the food that I don't?

I've lost a contact lens.

Here? Well, it must be here. It was in a minute ago.

Oh, well, where is it?

Why do people always ask that when you've lost something?

What's going on?

I sometimes drop down your front.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm looking for the contact lens.

Well, I'll look there if it's all the same to you.

But you can't see properly with only one contact lens on.

wearing anything that would prevent it from slipping all the way through.

What kind of a question is that?

Oh, I'm just trying to help.

Look, if you, uh... If you wiggle about a bit, I'll have a look on the floor.

still this size.

How big is it? Oh, the size of a dinner plate. What do you think?

That's a dark question.

Look, move over. I'm coming down.

She's full as well.

Waiter.

Is anything the matter?

I've lost a lens.

A lens to what, madam?

To my eye.

Oh, I see.

Please allow me. No, no, no. Don't sit there. You couldn't rope this area off.

I have customers to come past. No, no, no, please, please, please. I have to

come past. Look,

I tell you what. You stay there and I'll take the order. No, please, please.

No, it's all right. Don't worry, I'll explain everything.

Oh, please, I'll find a talk. Thanks.

Now then, can I take your order?

What is this?

Well, you see, my friend here has just dropped a contact lens.

On the floor. And we have reason to believe it's in this area, so if nobody

walks across it, nobody can step on it, can they? No, no, I suppose not. They're

devils to find. They sometimes drop down. Have you looked in your bra?

Yes, we've done that.

Look, I'm terribly sorry about all this, but if you're going to take our orders,

don't you think you could get on with it? Oh, yes, yes, I'm terribly sorry.

Right, what's the soup of the day?

I don't know.

He wouldn't know, would he, Charles?

What's the soup of the day?

Help me find my lens or take the orders. Well, I'm attempting to do the former

by doing the latter.

Here we are.

Oh, thank you. What's the soup of the day? Oh, asparagus.

Asparagus. Asparagus.

Oh, right, thank you. Two soups. Two soups? Two soups. Two soups? Oh, look,

is dark. We can't hear each other.

Why don't you just shout your order across?

Well, why not? Should I tell everybody what I'm going to have to eat? Well,

look, does it really matter?

No, we already know you're going to have soup.

Oh, perhaps it's right to come through, sir, and order at the table.

That's the only way I'm going to get a meal, isn't it?

Oh, no, no.

Well, then, what do you expect me to do? Pole vault into the restaurant?

Well, perhaps you could slide along the seat. Yes, yes, that's it. That's quite

easy. Just pull on me.

But whatever you do, don't put your feet on the floor. Oh, really? Oh, come on,

Charles. We never do anything exciting.

Careful,

careful. Yes.

Now what? Well, if we could just pass you over.

Stand up on the seat.

No.

Are you going to show me to my table now, or do I have to climb across

everybody else? I'm very sorry, sir, if you'd like to follow me.

I hope you find it.

Oh,

look, this is getting out of hand.

Shouldn't we give it up?

Those lenses cost 80 quid. Keep looking.

What's that?

Where? There, glistening.

That's it. Thank you very much for coming, sir. Please,

please, stay where you are. Don't move.

Got it.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, thank you. I wouldn't have dared do any of that if you hadn't been here.

Some men impress women by stopping runaway horses. I find contact lenses.

Ah, jolly good.

We're just about ready to give you our...

All right, so we got flung out of a restaurant.

What's so awful about that?

Because we intended to eat there.

It wasn't my contact lens that slipped on the floor, you know. You ought to

glasses. I don't like wearing my glasses. Well, that's vanity.

I know what it is.

You'd look far more attractive wearing glasses than crawling around on the

looking for a contact lens.

I know men who like women crawling about the floor.

In restaurants?

Well, no.

There you are, then.

Just you wear your glasses the next time.

What next time?

Next time somebody takes you out to dinner.

Oh.

Oh, well, next time you take somebody out to dinner and you're asked to leave,

try standing up for yourself.

You saw the size of that waiter. Well, I'm not talking about fighting. I'm

talking about... Well, about... Somebody else.

No, thanks.

You certainly know how to entertain a bloke.

What do you expect, stripped teeth?

I wouldn't mind.

I've got to do it.

I've got to go to Brussels tomorrow.

Oh, holiday?

No, work.

It's a conference. A friend of mine's got me in as an interpreter.

Will you be away long?

About a week.

Hmm, yes, well, I...

Couldn't have seen you anyway because I'm going to be rather busy myself this

week.

Well,

if you're not going to do that striptease... Perhaps all the time.

I'll phone you.

Well, I'll phone you too.

Keep up the dancing.

And watch the contact lenses.

We don't even know how to say goodbye.

end to a perfect day.

Don't worry, I'll see myself out.

Goodbye, Laura.

Goodbye, Mike.

A fine romance with no finches. They'd think we're like a couple of popped

tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potato.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no nestling. We two are just as

prickly as cactus blunts.

Love hasn't got a charm.

This is a fine romance.

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