Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

Fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no nestling. We might as well play bridge

with our maiden arms.

Love hasn't got a charm.

This is a fine romance.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is... Oh, forget it.

Skinny girl.

Hello? Laura, your loving sister.

Good morning.

Oh. I love you too.

Well, you're all bright -eyed and bushy -tailed, aren't you?

You've been up for hours, you've cleaned the house, you've listened to the

omnibus edition of The Archers, and you've already started preparing Sunday

lunch, haven't you?

Yes. Yes. And Phil's cleaned the Peugeot, and he's got off to the pub in

suede jacket for the swift half, hasn't he?

Yes. Yes, I hate you, both of you, in the morning.

Listen. Never mind that.

Can you talk?

Well, I open my mouth and ask him the words.

No, no. You know what I mean. Can you talk now?

Yes, of course. Why?

Well, I just wondered if Mike was still there.

Mike? Yes, Mike. The Mike you left the party with last night.

Oh, Mike.

No, he went home.

When?

Earlier.

Oh. Yes.

Oh. Yes.

I repeated the oh.

Well, you can repeat oh to the cow, Tullhorn. That's all you're getting.

I'm not a serial.

Now, mind your own business.

Come to lunch.

I haven't had breakfast yet.

Well, how long does it take to have a cup of coffee?

Oh, come on, Laurie. You know Sunday's on your own a dismal.

And you're a good cook. True.

Oh.

All right.

But listen, I don't want a remark about Mike with every mouthful of food.

Okay? Okay. Promise.

Promise. Take that smile off your face.

Are you going?

Yeah. She didn't turn up.

Do another half? No, no, no. This is fine. Thanks. Right. Cheers. Cheers.

Something wrong?

No, no, no.

So,

you seeing Laura today?

Uh, Laura? No. Why?

Well, just when you left the party together, everything seemed very cosy

Yeah. It was meant to.

Oh? Why?

Well, quite frankly, Phil, we thought that the only way to stop you and Helen

from matchmaking all evening was to retire to a neutral corner together.

As obvious as that, weren't we? Yes, I've seen more subtlety in tag

It was well -intentioned. Cheers.

Cheers.

You're getting peculiar about beer, Matt. Well, I like a nice obsession on a

Sunday. Parts with the time, doesn't it?

About as bad, are they, Sundays?

Yeah, mostly.

Well, then, let's break the mould.

What are you doing for lunch?

Uh, well, reheating the spam fritters I made for myself on Friday.

That's if they haven't turned funny. You don't want to do that.

Come and have lunch with Helen and me.

Well, you can't just barge in with one extra for lunch.

You can with Helen.

Well, that's very tempting, I must say.

Helen's cooking weighed against my spam fritters.

I left them once for a few days, you know.

They developed a very interesting -looking fungus.

Could have been a cure for something, for all I know.

Ha! Spammy ceiling.

Oh, now settle then.

Incidentally, this neutral corner that you and Laura retired to, how neutral

it? Well, I took her home in the van.

Yeah.

And then she went in and I went home.

Oh, that is fairly neutral.

Give me the elbow, did she?

No.

Elbows weren't involved.

It was mutual consent on the grounds of mutual apathy.

Well, he can't win them all. Nah.

Would you like another one in there?

No, let's go and eat.

Come out of that cupboard.

No.

I said if you mentioned the name Mike once more, I'd go into the cupboard. You

didn't, so here I am.

Look, I used to do this when we were kids.

And you used to get your own way with Mum and Dad, didn't you? Well,

Well, let's just say I'm a slow learner.

I'm going to have a sherry. Oh, really?

You're not testing me out with sweeties? No.

Sherry.

It's a question of dignity, I suppose.

I mean, I'm not furthering the cause of women as a significant force in society

by standing in the cupboard, am I?

Talking of modern society.

Not mine. No.

Modern society.

You know, I often wish I'd had your opportunities when I was your age.

You're younger than I am.

No, no, that came out all wrong.

What I mean to say is there's a lot to be said for being single today.

Is there?

Why were you chatting? You were not just chatting. You were taking a loop line.

Now, listen, Helen.

Once and for all, I've come for Sunday lunch.

Not for an in -depth interview about my love life.

It's an expression. It's an expression.

I know. Just an expression.

Well, don't be so smug. I'm not smug.

Now, listen, Helen. No, really. You're always so convinced that men find you an

absolute turn -off.

Well, Mike obviously didn't, did he?

No.

I'm pleased.

Oh, that sounds like girls.

You know what happened to Pinocchio's nose?

Yes, of course.

Hello, Mike.

Look, if it's going to be any trouble... No, one extra, two extra.

Look who's here.

Oh.

Hello again, Mike.

What a lovely surprise.

Oh, uh, hello. Uh, yes.

Oh, what's up? You pop out for a swept half, Mike. You just had a swept half.

And in any case, Mike wants to talk to Laura, don't you, Mike? Yes.

And I want to talk to Mike.

Good.

Well, that's good.

because I want to talk to you.

Chatty lot, aren't we?

Well, I'll go and shell some peas.

Oh, it's beans.

Why did you have to turn up here?

Why did you have to turn up here? I was invited.

Oh, fine, because I get crashed.

I happened to be passing and I said, why don't I invite myself for lunch? So I

did. That's why I'm here, of course. Couldn't you go somewhere else?

You're all warm, Thew, aren't you?

Honestly, Mike, I can't think of anything nicer than you turning up here

Are you taking some form of treatment?

There's no need to upset them, is there? Oh, I'm not upsetting anyone.

All I'm doing is sitting here talking to a schizophrenic. If you went somewhere

else, you wouldn't have to, would you?

Actually, I... I was thinking of ringing you today.

What were you going to ring me on, your little red plastic telephone with a

magic bell?

Keep looking.

Oh, you're being watched, are you?

Do you know who I mean? Phil and Helen.

Yes, I know who you mean and I don't know what you're talking about. Look,

think we left the party last night together because we were getting very...

Yes, I know.

And they don't know any different?

Phil does.

How? I told him. You did what?

Well, he asked me. You bloody backstabber!

No, she didn't actually say he stayed the night, but she more than hinted at

Well, Mike didn't hint. He told me.

He didn't even get inside her flat.

Yeah, and what does that prove?

Men have been known to smile on the gallows.

How many men have you seen on the gallows?

Hundreds.

Look, the Mike's an honest bloke.

And Laura is my sister.

Yes, women have been known to lie about these things.

And men haven't.

Well, I suppose the odd bit of perpetual embroidery does go on in the pub. And

where did you talk to Mike?

In the pub. Well, what?

You don't embroider if I say the whole evening was a total washout.

Well, somebody's not telling the truth. Yeah, I know that.

Why would he lie?

Look, honestly, Helen, they're lies, not ours.

It's none of our business.

Now, we don't have to know what they did or did not do, do we?

Yes.

There's a cherry tree in the garden.

I thought you might like to chop it down.

What for?

So that when somebody says who chopped down that cherry tree, you can say I

I, George Washington, did.

I'm getting fed up with you.

Oh, look.

All I do is tell the plain facts of the matter.

Ah, now, just a minute, just a minute.

Why should that bother you unless you've made up a different version?

You have.

You must have done. Must I? Yes.

Well... Well, if you must know, I went along with a kind of assumption that

Helen made.

Why on earth should you do that?

Because... Because...

I knew your ego wouldn't allow you to admit you couldn't get through my front

door. You didn't even know I'd be here to speak to you at all.

Ah. Ah, yes.

Ah.

Now, according to popular fiction, it's men who are supposed to boast of the

conquests they've never made. It's us who are supposed to stick little flags

the side of our cockpits.

Seemingly apt phrase.

Yes.

A singularly apt phrase.

So why did he do it?

I don't have to answer you. No?

You don't have to speak to me at all.

Well, if you must know, perhaps it's because I'm sick of not being a flag on

side of somebody's cockpit.

Happy? No.

Sad. Don't you go feeling sorry for me. No, no, no. I just feel sorry that

anybody should have to do that sort of thing. And I know what I'm talking about

because I've done it myself.

I've lied.

Well, why pick this moment to tell the truth?

Perhaps I felt a finer type of person this morning.

Perhaps I was actually concerned about your honour.

Oh! cobblers to my honour. What about my pride?

Lunch is ready.

Look, I can do this. You go in the other room and talk to Mike. I don't want to

go in the other room and talk to Mike. Oh, you didn't say two words to each

other at lunch.

We did. We chatted about his work.

You said, how's the landscape gardening business?

And he said lousy. I do not call that a chat.

We're peppy.

You're not?

You're both obviously ill at ease, and I don't see why.

I mean, Phil might have got the wrong end of the stick, but I couldn't be more

pleased. Look, Helen, I think it's time you heard the truth.

Mike didn't stay the night.

We didn't do anything or go anywhere. We just got on each other's nerves.

But when I phoned... I gave the impression, yes, I know.

Oh, Laura.

Childish, isn't it?

Maybe I'm regressing. Maybe I'll end up as Baby Jane.

Anyway, it was his fault.

Of course it was.

Why?

He didn't even give me the option of turning him down. That's why.

Well, this won't postpone the first coronary. What about a walk?

I look at it this way.

Exercise speeds up the digestive process.

And when I think of my spam fritters, I'd like Ellen's grub to stay in my

stomach as long as possible.

You were very quiet at lunch.

Yeah.

Uh, Phil?

Hmm?

Uh, about Laura.

Now, I'm glad you brought that up.

Because, you know, Helen...

is under the definite impression that you and Laura were, um... Well, she

be.

But you didn't.

Well, we did, actually.

You told me you didn't.

Yeah.

It's confusing, isn't it?

Well, why did you tell me you didn't? Well, I mean, I grow things like

don't you?

Do you?

Yes, well, of course you do.

We used to cut knotsies on our road loop when we were at school.

Of course, that was just for kipping.

Used to do that in my day.

Did you pay for your kisses?

Certainly not.

I did. I was a bit shy, you see.

A penny a time to a girl with a lisp.

Glenda, somebody... Glenda... Jackson?

Pilbeam, that's it. Glenda Pilbeam.

Must have cost you a fortune.

Yeah, help me teeth, though.

I spent so much money buying kisses from Glenda Pilbeam, I never had enough

money left to buy sweets.

Well, well.

You and Laura, eh?

Yep.

Well, well.

Yep.

Sound like Gary Cooper.

Always to look like Gary Cooper.

Even an old Gary Cooper.

Well, let's face it, Laura's no Jean Arthur, is she?

Hello. Oh. What are you two talking about?

Um, Gary Cooper and Jean Arthur.

Before my time.

Do you fancy a walk?

Oh, that's what I said we should do.

No, Mike and I, actually.

Oh, yes.

Yes, of course.

Yep.

Have a nice time.

Yep.

Could I leave it there or what?

You don't have to.

Still, you know where to find it.

True. Look, Mike.

I owe you an apology.

Letting Helen think that.

You're stupid.

No, I'm done.

Self -defence, I suppose.

Anyway, I've straightened it out.

I've told her the truth.

Oh, God.

I've changed my story to Phil. You did what?

Your pride.

Who brought my pride into it?

You did.

Oh, yes.

That's going to be a very confused household.

Are we still inside?

Don't walk around.

I think so.

We'd better make that a fast walk.

She's bound to believe me.

She's my sister.

Oh, fellow, believe me.

I mean, once a chap confesses to another chap that he's not his ruler at school,

well, a chap is going to believe a chap.

You did that too, did you? Yes.

The point is, which one of them is going to believe the other?

Perhaps we should issue a joint communique.

I could firm.

Oh, no, that wouldn't do it. It'd just be your version.

We'd both have to shout down the phone at the same time for them to believe it.

Anyway, it serves them right for trying to foist us off on each other, first

place. I have an idea they'll give all that up now.

Very probably.

Well, I wouldn't say no.

Neither would I.

I didn't mean that, actually. I mean, I wouldn't say no to another drink.

Oh, would you like the same again? Yes, please.

What did you use to put notches on your ruler for?

Kisses.

Did you sell them?

No, buy them.

We ought to have gone to the same school.

Cheers.

Do you think we ought to get back?

I suspect they've had enough of us for one day.

I wouldn't blame them.

Time, gentlemen, please.

It's Nemesis, isn't it?

What?

Well, this is the second time we've found ourselves together.

And it's the second time it's been a sort of, well, a sort of non -time.

I mean, two o 'clock on a Sunday afternoon. What do you do with a time

that? Hope it passes.

Oh, you too.

Well,

at least we've got company.

Who? Well, each other.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I suppose that's true.

That's your walk.

I'm not much of a walker.

Drive? In your van? Yes.

No.

Pictures? No, I don't like going to the pictures in the afternoon. I don't like

coming out into the daylight.

I

wonder

what Phil and Helen are doing.

I wonder.

Whatever it is, I bet it's warm and wonderful.

Yes.

Yes.

I've got an idea.

Bruton Galleries.

An exhibition of ethnic marks.

Admission free.

It would have to be.

You really don't fancy the idea?

No. Neither do I. Let's go.

Why? Well, going to something we both think is going to be awful.

Well, start, isn't it?

I bet one of us goes and likes it now.

That's on the cards.

I don't know why we're doing this. I imagine kamikaze pilots heading out on

their missions had more hope than us. Well, you've got to have hope, haven't

you? That's a good song title.

What are you laughing at?

Well, hope.

That's all.

Hope.

With no finches They think we're like a couple of hot tomatoes

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes

A fine romance with no wrestling

A fine romance with no nestling We two are just as

prickly as cactus plants Love hasn't got a charm

It is a fine romance.