Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses A fine

romance, my friend, this is They think we're like a couple of hot

tomatoes But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes

A fine romance with no wrestling

A fine romance With no nestlings We might as well

play bridge with our maiden arms Love hasn't got a chance This is a fine

romance.

Hello.

I've impaled about a thousand little sausages on sticks.

Is that all right? Thanks, Laura. You are a pet.

Yes.

Anything else?

No, they'll be arriving soon. You'd better get yourself ready.

I am ready.

Helen,

about this party.

You and Phil aren't going to try and fix me up with anybody, are you? Now, when

have we ever tried to do that? All the time.

Well, not this time, I promise.

Well, that's blown it.

Vic's called off.

Who's Vic?

This fellow we wanted you to meet.

Oh, er, not that it matters. No, he's just a bloke that was coming to the

Nothing more to it than that, certainly not. I'm floundering, aren't I?

Drowned. You won't give up, will you? Well, I don't see why you have to get so

stroppy about it. I mean, you're single. What's wrong with me inviting the odd

single chair?

You mean for the odd single girl? Oh, Laura.

Well, I'm not Jane Fonda, am I? Well, that is going to extremes.

True.

She's older than I am.

In any case, there are plenty of qualities far more important than looks.

me some of them.

You know I've always ended you, you're intelligent.

Dad used to say, Helen, you've got the beauty, but your sister's got the brain.

How dare you stand there in your Janet Rager underwear and tell me I'm cleverer

than you are.

Well, you are.

Well, I don't want to be cleverer than you are. I want to stand there in Janet

Rager underwear.

Well, buy some. Oh, that's not it.

Something?

Nothing, nothing.

I'll ask Mike.

Mike? Yes, Mike.

Mike.

Sirway Garden Landscaping, Mike Sirway speaking. This is a recorded message.

We're sorry we're closed at the moment, but if you'd like to leave your

telephone number... Oh, hello, Phil.

No, no, no, I realise I'm not an answering machine, but you see, I'm down

yellow pages as having one, and mine's on the blink.

So, what can I do for you?

A party?

Tonight?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Great, smashing.

No, no, no, try and keep me away, mate.

Yeah, I'll just get tidied up, and then I'll be right over.

Right, I'll see you later.

You don't want to go, but you say you do.

Now, why do you do it?

Why do you do it?

Selway landscape garden.

Sausage?

Sausage?

Would you like a sausage, Laura? Oh, I'd love one. I thought you'd never ask.

I'd want to be. Did you cook them yourself? Yes, I did.

Laura, come on, circulate. I am.

I'm going round and round trying to ship these sausages. You do not meet people

by giving them sausages.

Now, come on, come on.

Jean, Harry, this is my sister, Laura.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

So you're Laura?

Yes, yes, I'm Laura. Sausage?

We were just discussing death.

Oh, who's? Oh, nobody's in particular. Just death. Big D.

Harry was just dead.

It's so awfully inevitable, isn't it?

Well, there's no arguing with that.

And when all is said and done, what is it for?

Well, to keep the undertakers busy, I suppose.

No, I mean, what is life actually for, Big L? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were

talking about Big D.

Yes, but Harry was relating death to life. He finds the two things so...

Related. There's no arguing with that either. No, no, you don't have to be

polite. Come on, give me an argument on this.

Well, you're both eating dead pig, right?

Excuse me.

Laura, do you practice conversation killers like that? I don't have any

talk. I don't even have any medium talk.

Just let me go around offering the sausages and I won't ever refer to them

as dead pig.

No.

Look, Mike is coming, isn't he?

He said he was. Why? His Laura's wandering about, making people nervous.

You make it sound like a fake lunatic.

You know what'll happen next.

What? She'll disappear in the kitchen, start washing up.

You know, I'm not sure inviting Mike was such a good idea.

I never really thought it would.

I'm thinking of it from his point of view.

I mean, look at it like this. You're a bachelor, and you get invited to a party

at the last minute. Now, why do you go?

I don't know. Why?

Well, basically, in the hope of finding a bit of spare.

Probably a redhead with long legs and big green eyes.

Green for goat.

Come on, Phil.

Um... OK,

see you later.

Well, all I meant was, um, I'm not at all sure Laura's Mike's cup of tea.

Well, he's hardly the world's most eligible bachelor, is he?

True.

In any case, you'd better get here, too.

Why? She headed for the kitchen again?

No, she's just dropped her contact lens in someone's drink.

Oh, my!

Oh, I take it.

Okay, here I come.

It's Mike.

Rosemary.

Oh, yeah, yes, yes, of course.

I don't know why I said Rosemary.

I don't even know anybody called Rosemary.

No.

Well, come in.

Ah, yes, right.

Come in.

Mike! Come and have a sausage.

Laura?

Laura?

It's Mike.

Hello, hello.

Hello.

Laura's my sister.

Oh.

So...

What are you drinking, Mike? There, please.

Laura is a linguist.

Some what?

We.

Excuse me, Lou.

Why on earth do you do it? I just want you to be as happy as Phil and me.

Helen, life isn't like... Like you and Phil. Well, at least try.

With him? Oh, he's not that bad.

He's not a syllabic.

He's quiet. With that grin.

He's shy.

Huh?

He's nervous.

He's short. Well, so are you.

Quiet, nervous, short and shy. Yes. Yes, disaster.

Ina Barbas in Antony and Cleopatra.

Peace. No, that's wrong.

That makes 17 across police.

Mike! Yeah?

You all right? You've been half an hour in there.

No, no, no, I'm fine.

It's a bit of a stomach upset.

I must have had too much to drink.

You haven't drunk anything yet?

Come on downstairs. Talk to Laura.

Mike!

Laura.

Oh, there you are, Mike.

Yes. You always speak in monosyllables?

No. Oh, fine.

Now, why don't you two sit yourselves down, get yourself a drink and have a

chat? Well, no. I mean, if Laura's going to do the washing up.

What would you like to drink? Gin and tonic, please. I'll get them.

Where would you like to sit?

On a seat.

There, there. Go on, sit there.

You're not as tall as I thought you were.

Nor are you.

There we are.

Cute. There.

That's you two fixed up.

Spannionable silences are a myth.

Well, I talk too much sometimes.

Really?

Yes, particularly with strangers. I start talking without knowing what I'm

to talk about, but I keep on talking. Then I hear the sound of my own voice as

if it's echoing down this long tunnel. But I keep on talking.

For instance, the last party I went to, I got onto a stone wall.

Not literally.

No, the subject of the stone wall I've been building in this chap's garden. I'm

a landscape gardener, see.

Anyway, I got on to the subject of this stone wall and I couldn't get off it

because this chap kept changing his mind, see. First of all, he wanted

stone, then he wanted Derbyshire stone, then he thought he'd have screen

walling. During which time, of course, I was going slowly bananas.

Anyway, he finally...

nearly settled for Cotswold Stone, which, of course, has to be laid in the

-bond manner. No, no, no, he didn't want that. And I said, now, look, it must be

laid in the half -bond manner, and I can hear the sound of my own voice echoing

down that tunnel again.

Well, you, let's... Let's talk about you.

Helen said you were a linguist.

Yes, I translate things. It's all pretty boring. Oh, no, I'm sure it's not. I

mean, what are you translating at the moment?

A German textbook on urinary infections.

Well, there's always sex.

Talk about, I mean, that's always common ground.

Oh, yes, sure. I mean, every part of the conversation gets round to it sooner or

later. Well, always.

Hello again. Hello. Hello.

I wanted to take you up on our discussion about death.

You never really developed your argument. Harry loved people to develop

arguments. So how do you really feel about death?

At this moment, close to it, excuse me.

After all, we are animals.

No, no, Mike, stop it. Shh. Somebody's coming.

Sorry. Sorry.

Shh.

Oh,

Mike, you magnificent animal.

Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.

Well, I'm hardly likely to do that, am I? Good.

What were you saying Mike like that for?

Was I?

Yes, you said Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.

If you must know, I was trying to keep people out.

Oh.

Well, why Mike, then?

Don't read anything into it. It's difficult not to.

Well, look, tonight it's just the first name that came into my head. I mean,

what's the first name that came into your head tonight?

Helen.

What are you doing in here, anyway?

Hiding.

So am I.

I was going to go into the loo to finish off the crossword, but somebody's in

there.

Wait here, if you like.

This is daft.

We're supposed to be hiding from one another and here we are on the same bed

together.

If we go down, Phil and Helen will only try and glue us together again.

You get pretty hostile about that, don't you? Well, don't you?

Oh, no.

I mean, you can always live in hope, can't you?

I mean, meeting women of my age, you don't know where they are anymore.

I went to an over -25s dance night one night and I was the youngest one there.

So, if somebody asks me to come to a party, I hate going to parties, but if

somebody says come to a party, I go to a party, because sooner or later, you

never know, I might meet someone who's not this real dog that everybody's

to palm off onto me.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean... How old are you, 50?

Forty -three.

Forty -three. You have about as much social grace as one of your bits of

And you have the bloody arrogance to expect to be fixed up with somebody

not as dull as you are. Well, what about you? What makes you... What gives you

the right to be so choosy? Well, because I have the right. Just because I'm

plain or homely or downright edgy doesn't mean to say I had to jump at the

thing in trousers alone to me. Well, that's what I mean. Substitute the word

skirts for trousers, and that's what I mean.

Laura, if you're hiding up... Oh, no, no.

It's all right. Play the game.

Oh, yes, of course. I'm sorry.

You just carry on with what you were doing.

Talking about.

Now, why on earth should you give your sister the idea that we're in the

together?

Well, we are.

Yes, but it's hardly a romantic trick, is it?

If the loo hadn't been occupied, I'd have been in there doing the crossword.

you'd have been in here reading.

It's better for Helen to think she saw what she thought she saw. It'll make a

whole evening.

She's quite attractive, Helen, isn't she?

poncy gold initials on it, wouldn't it?

Are you all right?

Yes, what did he do that for?

Oh, he doesn't seem to be... Oh, gives you something to remember the evening

doesn't he?

When I was a kid, I went to parties.

I didn't think the evening was an entire washout if I at least put my hand on a

girl's knee.

That is the single most unromantic act I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah, we're wasting our time, aren't we?

I think we are.

Let's go.

Where?

Home. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, I'm not inviting you to my home. I just want to

home. I think it's best we left together.

Oh, why?

Because it's early, and if either one of us makes it to the front door on his or

her own... Yes, that makes sense.

Did you, uh, did you have a coat?

No. Only a briefcase.

Do you wear false teeth?

No. Why?

Because when you kissed me just now, I heard this little ticking noise.

Must have been one of the bones in my surgical corset.

Bye.

Bye.

Thanks for a lovely party. Thank you.

Ring me, Laura, ring me.

All right, all right.

Bye. Bye. Night, be good.

Let me give you a lift home, at least.

Where to?

Fulham. Is he out of your way? Yes.

It's still only half past nine.

Do you fancy a curry?

Chinese?

No, I hate it.

Italian?

Where?

I don't know.

We're just making noises, aren't we?

that a Catholic loss is.

A fine romance with no kinship.

A fine romance with no kinship. They seem to like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no...

We two are just as prickly as cactus plants.

Love hasn't got a chance.

This is a fine romance.

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