Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

Live your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you're loved, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no

like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with old flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like home. There ain't no place like home.

There's no place like home.

I mean, no place like home.

Come

here.

What's that noise?

You scared the stew out of me.

Miss Mary, she's been reading these mystery novels and her nerves are a

Yeah, you joke as a grasshopper.

I read them. They relax me.

Ah, 227.

Just as I pictured it.

Quaint, horny, and a bit of old Washington.

And three lovely ladies sitting out front.

Quaint, horny, and a bit of old Washington.

Aren't you a little late for trick -or -treat?

Permit me, madam. I am Rodolf.

Zambini, and I'm taking temporary lodgings in this charming building.

Oh, Mr. Zambini, I've been expecting you. Mr. Zambini is subletting the

Johnson's apartment.

Just while the circus is in town.

Oh, you're in the circus.

My good lady, I am the circus, eh?

You got that right.

Every country in the world, the great Zambini is known as a projectilist, a

precisionist, a doxy for life.

What about the countries that speak English?

There they call me a knife thrower.

You throw the knives?

Knives, swords, hatchets, anything with sharp edges.

Imagine the drama of it. My beautiful young assistant is standing there. One

slip, one error, one small miscalculation.

I love it!

Well, it's nice to see a man so happy with work.

I wonder how his assistant feels.

Never fear, dear lady, the great Zambini never misses.

Anymore. Anymore?

One is not born great.

For years, I was just a pretty good Zambini.

But after years of hard work, I managed to achieve that pinpoint accuracy that

is the mark of a great artist.

You see?

Even a great artist needs to practice.

Now, if you'll show me my room. Like this way.

Lord, that child should never leave the practice range.

All right.

Who's been fooling around with my paper?

Don't look at me. I'm stuck in a snowbank on the Orient Express.

It was me, Daddy.

I cut out a coupon for the circus tomorrow night. We can save $5.

$4 .75. This paper costs a quarter.

Sorry, Daddy.

No, I'm going to take it out of your allowance. It's okay.

Mary, get the door.

Lester!

No, you could get the door sometime.

You're doing so much better than I do.

Oh, Mrs. Zambini, come in.

Sorry to disturb you, dear lady, but I wonder if I could borrow a small

Oh, what happened?

Well, I was slicing some bread and the knife slipped.

Well, bread can be tricky like that.

I'll get you a bandage. Oh, honey, this is the new neighbor I was telling you

about, Mr. Zambini. Huh, Mr. Zambini?

That wasn't too cool with you being an expert, no. I'm an expert at throwing,

but not slicing.

The next time you put the bread against the wall and zap, zap, zap.

Here you are, Mr. Zambini. Ah, thank you.

I was about to say, murder on the Orient Express?

Are you a mystery buff?

Yeah, I like a good murder now and then. So do I.

And the bloodier, the better.

Have you ever read anything by Victoria Crenshaw?

No, I haven't, but I hear she's very good.

Wonderful. The way she involves you in her stories. Like when the killer is

about to squeeze the last drop of life out of his innocent victim.

You would swear that the murderer is standing in the room right beside you.

Well, Mary loved that. She's always scaring herself to death reading those

mystery books.

Oh, excuse me. Me, I get enough scares out of the newspaper.

Oh, Mary, can I borrow Lester? I got a dripper in my bathroom. It's driving me

crazy.

What do you want me for?

Call a plumber.

He is a plumber.

And he won't leave unless I make a date with him. Throw him out, will you

please? Lester, please. May I be of assistance, my dear? Oh, I'm sorry. I

know you had company.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am the great Zombini.

Oh, and I'm the fantastic sign.

Shall we try the other one, eh?

No, I don't think so. You don't want to get the shakes before you perform it.

Now, what is all this about some unwanted guest trying to force

himself on an innocent creature like you?

I thought you said he threw knives, not bull.

Can I help you find something, honey?

Zambini. Oh, Mr. Zambini?

He's in apartment K at the top of the stairs.

Thank you.

You didn't see me. I wasn't here.

You understand that one.

Who in the world was that?

You mean that woman in the trench coat with the long hair, the dark glasses,

the case in her hand? Yeah. I didn't see her.

I wonder if I locked that bedroom window.

Wait, how'd you get in? The door was unlocked.

Oh. Must have left it unlocked when Lester went to the circus.

Girl, you got me acting just as crazy as you.

Girl.

Well,

it's not you. It's this book.

Murder on a Lonely Night by Victoria Crenshaw?

Yeah, Zambini loaned it to me. And he was right.

You feel like you're part of the story.

I mean, everything she writes is so real.

Like what?

Not like thunder, lightning.

Good writer.

Rose, what do you think of Zambini?

I don't know.

I mean, what do you ask?

Well, he's so weird.

I mean, he comes and goes at all hours, and I hear weird voices coming from his

apartment.

And you know what else? What? Pearl said this mysterious woman went in, and she

never came back out.

What do you think happened to her?

I don't know. But you know he got all them creepy knives.

Now, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Now, if you're trying to scare me, you're doing a hell of a job.

Now, that meaning is a knife sword.

And those are the tools of his trade, right?

Right.

Hey, babe, we're back.

Oh, hi. How was the circus? It was wonderful.

It was great.

It was three and a half hours long.

I never sat downwind of the elephants before.

Now I know why every kid dreams of running away and joining the circus.

I know what you mean.

All the romance, the excitement, the glamour. The girls.

There must have been over a hundred girls running around in those little

leotards. Calvin!

Mom, you should have seen it. There was this one guy who swung from the trapeze

by his teeth. He did a triple reverse flip and landed in the net below.

The crowd gave him a standing ovation. He was so cool, he didn't even smile.

He couldn't. He left his teeth up on that trapeze.

Well, did you see Zambini do his knife throwing act?

Oh, we saw the knife throw, but it wasn't Mr. Zambini.

What?

I have come for my money, Sabini.

I told you before, I will not pay blackmail.

You will pay, or you will be exposed.

The only thing you're getting from me, my love, is this.

Lester! Lester!

Come quick, something terrible's happened. May I calm down?

What is it? Isambini had this terrible argument with this Indian man, and I

think he killed him. We better get up there. What Indian man?

Well, he had this big red turban on and a beard.

Good day, madam.

That's it.

Looks pretty good for a dead guy.

That's right. Z -A -M -B -I -N -I.

Never heard of him.

Oh, I see.

All right, thank you.

Well, that was the last ringling, brother.

Oh, Mary, I have tremendous moves.

I want you to be the first to know.

Oh, Rose, you're here.

I want you to be the first to know, too.

Oh, goody, a tie for first.

Okay, Carter, what's the news?

I got a new job.

Oh, and it's perfect.

Travel, glam, excitement.

Mr. Zambini wants me to be his new assistant.

The two greatest shows on earth.

Senator, you can't take that job.

I mean, I think there's something funny about Zambini. Yeah, we don't even think

he's with the circus.

Of course he is. What else would a knife thrower do?

Work at Benihana?

We think he's a complete phony.

Well, I'll find out soon enough.

We're supposed to start practicing later today in his apartment.

Wait a minute, wait, wait. You mean you're going to let that man throw

you? Yeah.

and for a finale, two flaming spears that land on each side of my head.

Sandra, that don't worry you?

No, it doesn't worry me. All I gotta do is stand there. He's the one that's

gotta do all the work.

Sandra, you can't go through with this. I'm serious.

Anything can happen in that man's apartment.

Oh, Mary, if there's one thing I know, it's how to handle myself in a man's

apartment.

Well, I sure hope Sandra knows what she's doing.

Well, Mary, we did our very best to try to talk to her. You know, there's some

things people have to learn the hard way.

Yeah, like being married.

Good afternoon, ladies. I wonder if I might have a word with you.

I'm Inspector McKenzie of Scotland Yard.

Scotland Yard? It's about Zambini, isn't it? I knew it. That man's a crook.

More than a crook, I'm afraid. Your Mr.

Zambini is a notorious killer.

Killer? You mean a murderer?

I, nasty piece of business he is, lures young women with the promise of being

his assistant and then... And then?

Nobody ever hears from the young women again.

Oh, my God!

Thundra! Our friend took a job as his assistant. As a matter of fact, she's

supposed to meet him this afternoon in his apartment. Well, now, we can't let

that happen, can we, huh?

The time we took our Mr.

Zambini into custody.

Well, he's an apartment key at the top of the stairs.

Now, you lasses, sit tight.

All right, Zambini, your number's up. You're surrounded.

Good morning.

I'm coming.

Come in, my dear. I have been expecting you.

This should be a very interesting evening.

You will never forget it.

I promise you.

I don't think we should face Zambini alone.

He's a dangerous killer.

Look, the inspector's been gone for over an hour, and there's still no sign of

Sandra. Now, we've got to find out what happened. Well, can't we just call

Neighborhood Watch?

Pearl, we are the Neighborhood Watch.

Okay.

Let me do all the talking. Fine. You do the talking. I'll do the running.

Mrs. Jenkins.

Ladies!

What a pleasant surprise.

Okay,

where is she? Where is who?

Where's Sandra? That's who?

And she came up here to practice being your assistant.

Strangest thing, she never turned up. And I guess you haven't seen Inspector

McKenzie either. Inspector who?

Just what I thought.

You know, it occurs to me that Sandra really does not want to be my assistant.

Maybe one of you would like the job. What if it pays?

Okay, now what do we do? What we should have done in the first place. We call

the police. Right.

Is that the whole story?

In a nutshell.

Nutshell is right.

Look, Sergeant Stokes, my wife reads a lot of mystery books and has a very

imagination, but there may be something to all of this.

Is that so?

So you were there when Zambini and this Hindu fella had their fight.

Well... No, I can't say that I was.

But you did see the mysterious woman in the trench coat.

Well, no, actually, I didn't.

And the Scotland Yard inspector, you spoke to him, did you?

I think I'll get a snack.

Boy, you can't beat corroborating testimony like that.

I think I got the picture.

Good. Do you want us to go with you when you make the arrest?

Lady, I've been a cop for 26 years, and this is the most cockamamie story I've

ever heard.

Now, this has got everything.

It's got knife throwers. It's got scoffling yard inspectors. It's got

the moonlight.

But the one thing it doesn't have is a crime.

But what about what Inspector McKenzie said?

Lady, I cannot go around arresting people on the say -so of a stranger.

Well, what about Sondra? I mean, she's been missing for three hours.

Nobody's missing for three hours. Three days.

Three months, maybe.

Jimmy Hoffa's been missing for 15 years.

Well, at one point, he was missing for three hours.

I mean, so let's get on the ball here before you blow another one.

Listen, you show me some evidence that she was even in his room, and

you and I, we got business.

What kind of a missing person's man are you?

Right now, a missing one.

Well...

Are

you sure he's not

at home?

He leaves this time every night.

He never fails, just like Clockwood.

Probably going to his murderous anonymous meeting.

Do you think it's safe to turn on the light? Makes no difference to me. I'm

keeping my eyes closed anyway.

A light switch.

Okay.

Oh, Rose.

It's nothing but a poster.

Mary, this room was a lot cheerier with the lights off.

It's a closet.

I'm going to wait in the car.

Pearl, you don't have a car.

Well, then I'll wait in the bus. There'll be one along in a minute.

It's horrible.

What is it? A purple suit. The man ain't got no taste in clothes.

The time has come.

Get out of here. Get out of here. It's in the bedroom.

Be patient.

Be patient while I turn on the lights.

Must be a short.

Go ahead. Nobody can hear you anyway.

You were saying?

No, no, no, no, no, no. My dear, you must open your mouth.

Oh, I got that.

That's all right. You won't need it anyway.

Soon, you will be victim number 17.

Well, if that's your attitude, I'm giving my two weeks' notice.

We buy exquisitely at the hands of our master.

I don't want you to get this wrong, Mrs. Zambini, but after the murder, I think

you ought to seek out some professional help.

For years, I threw knives at assistants, just missing.

Give you any idea how it feels always just to miss?

I think I ought to warn you. I have some very large boyfriends who are going to

be awfully mad if you cut off anything important.

I'm going to stand you in front of that target.

And I'm going to one by one curl my knives into your sleek young body.

Like this.

And this.

And this.

Will you tell me what's going on? It's Zambini. He's a killer. He tried to

murder Sandra.

Well, she looks like she's taking it very well.

Are you all right, Mr. Crenshaw?

Mr. Crenshaw?

Murder on a lonely night.

Victoria Crenshaw?

Actually, it's Victor Crenshaw. Victoria is just a pen name. I think I owe you

all an explanation.

Oh, you would have loved it, Mary.

I see the...

One of the reasons my books are so realistic is because I test out all my

first to see people's true reactions.

Well, what about all those people? That Indian and the woman in the trench coat?

At your service, madame.

You understand me, darling.

You didn't see me.

Well, what about Inspector McKenzie?

I, lassie, just a few colorful characters to throw more suspicions, I

we.

Hey, wait. Wait a minute.

You weren't Sergeant Stokes, the black guy that came in as a cop.

I'm good, but not that good.

And right now, he's writing a story about a circus knife thrower that takes

apartment in a nice, quiet apartment building with some nice, lovely

Sandra, you mean to say you were in on this from the beginning?

Mm -hmm.

He had me that first day. We fooled you, Barry.

I'll untie you, Sandra. Freeze.

You wanted to write about a murder?

Oh, good.

Now, wait a minute.

Get your pencil.

And give me your knife and your blindfold.