Original subtitles

They have no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with old fame away.

No, no. Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With love from our friends, I know we can fly. But there's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there ain't...

I mean, no place child.

Cal, do you think I look like Whitney Houston?

Well,

maybe a little.

Daddy, you working another weekend?

We hardly get to see you anymore.

Don't be ridiculous.

What's your name again?

Daddy.

You will be here next weekend for your anniversary, won't you? Of course I

It's our 20th.

Hey, can you two keep a secret? Sure.

I've rented the honeymoon suite at the Hampton Arms Hotel for next Saturday

night. You're kidding.

That's class.

Yeah, it's going to be your mom and me, dinner by a candlelight, and a violin

trio playing love songs.

Oh, Daddy, that's so romantic.

Well, your mom deserves it. And besides, if my foreman can't find me, I might be

able to get a good night's sleep.

Not a word to anybody.

See you later, sugar. Bye -bye.

Calvin, how come you can't be romantic like that?

I am romantic. I mean, who was it that wrote, Brenda is my chick on his

sweatband?

Brenda, is your father gone? Yeah, he just left.

Good, I'm going down to the travel agency.

Why, are we going on a trip?

No, I'm taking your father on a cruise for our anniversary.

When? Well, next Saturday we are leaving for the Bahamas.

Saturday?

What's wrong with Saturday?

Um, well, uh, there could be a lot of traffic.

I'll just tell the captain to pull the boat over to the right.

Now, not a word to anybody, you two.

Calvin, they're making plans on the same day.

Yeah, this started to get good. Hi,

Calvin. Hi, Brenda. Hi, Aunt Rose. Hi, Michelle.

Hi, sweetie.

Well, what's the matter with you?

Well, nothing. We were just out here talking about my parents' 20th

next weekend.

20 years with the same man.

With no chance of parole.

You know, we ought to do something.

Why don't we throw him a surprise party next weekend? Yeah. No.

I mean, don't bother.

You see, my mom... Well, it'll be our pleasure.

Now, Pearl, you can bring the food. Uh -huh. And, Rose, you can bring the

and I'll bring the pièce de résistance.

Me.

Forget it, Sandra. We don't want all men.

Why not?

You're right, Pearl. I'll put down a few for you, too. Okay.

Now, remember, not a word to your folks.

But I wrote. Not a word.

I guess you're wondering why I brought you all together.

Yes, we are. What's this all about?

I can't take it anymore.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I think I'm getting gray hair.

It's not fair to do this to a 15 -year -old girl.

What is the problem, Shirley?

You and Mom, that's the problem.

Mom booked a cruise leaving next Saturday for your anniversary.

Brenda! And Dad made reservations at the Hampton Arms next Saturday. Brenda! And

those three are planning a surprise party next Saturday.

Surprise!

Thank you all for coming. I'm going to my room now and have a break there.

Mary, why did you book us on a cruise?

Because the Bahamas are romantic.

And it's my very special gift for you. Well, I must admit, nothing turns me on

more than rough seas, shuffleboard, and old ladies in bikinis.

Old ladies in bikinis is why I'm taking you.

Look, I just can't take that much time off. I got six jobs going.

Why don't you just say you don't want to go on a cruise?

Okay, I don't want to go on a cruise.

Happy 20th.

Want to take bets on the 25th?

Honey, this is silly.

Here we are on the verge of a happy occasion, and we're bickering.

Why don't you compromise?

Any suggestions?

Yeah. Now, you two stop being so thick -headed. Let us get on with our party.

Ladies, we appreciate the thought, but we are going to the Hampton Arms. We are

going on a cruise.

Hampton Arms.

Cruise. Oh, forget the cruise, Mary.

Let us give our party. Yeah.

Oh, okay, have the party.

Oh, great. I'm bringing a few extra men as door prizes.

That was my idea.

Hey, Ray, what you got for us today?

What is this, 227?

All I've got is a few RSVPs to some anniversary party.

A party to which I might add I have not received my invitation.

Then I guess you weren't invited.

For your information, I just happened to be having a very important meeting that

night anyway.

What?

Another meeting of the Freckle Face Club?

By the way, your non -surgical facelift isn't working.

Morning, ladies.

Morning, ladies.

Where were you going, honey? I got a call. I got to go to the Hoffman

Oh.

Say, Rose, did you put my friend Charlie's name on the guest list?

Yeah, I'm sure we did.

Yes, here it is.

Here it is.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, they invited our folks.

Both our folks?

Is there a problem?

Well, let's just say, like oil and water, they don't mix.

Ooh, we having fireworks at the park.

You know, that's how old people get sometimes. They get crotchety.

Just because we are mature is no reason to say we are crotchety.

We are not crotchety.

Pearl, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about real old people. You

know, older than you.

Name two.

Well, I'm sorry, Pearl, but I wasn't really talking about you, Pearl.

You know how folks didn't even speak to each other at the wedding?

That's because your father thought he was better than my father because he had

new Buick.

Well, your father's pigeons didn't have to poop all over it.

The real reason is because my father said you never properly asked for my

in marriage.

That's because every time I came by your house, your father started loading his

rifle.

That's because... Wait a minute, now that was 20 years ago. I'm sure

everything's going to be fine now.

Besides, when I spoke to Mary's mother this morning, she thought the party was

wonderful idea.

Said they'd be here Friday morning, and she said be sure to give her love to

Mary and good old Westman's name.

Mary,

you are going to wear out the furniture.

Honey, your mother will be here any minute.

If you don't leave some dirt for Mama to find, she won't be happy. And if you

get it too clean, your mama's going to swear I'm working you today.

And I'll back her up all the way. Yeah.

Are you feeling all right? You look tired.

I'm fine.

You tossed and turned all night.

You know you kicked me three times.

I know.

I felt like kicking you.

Joke all you want, but you're working too hard, and I don't like it. Will you

stop worrying? We're just a little overloaded right now. It'll pass.

Want some prune juice?

make it. Would I miss your 20th anniversary?

Yeah, boy, one of the miracles of the century.

It's reasonably good to see you, Henry.

Well, you're certainly in a good mood.

Of course he is. He just ate someone out of their parking spot.

Yeah, he said this guy, this guy was trying to back up into this parking spot

and zooka, I just snuck right in there behind him.

Some old dude with a fancy Buick.

Hey, Mom!

How's my darling?

How you doing, darling?

Hello,

sugar. How you doing?

We would have been up here sooner if some jerk took my parking space.

Oh, what a shame.

But I squeezed in back of him.

Oh, by the way, Henry, you might want to check on your car.

It's parked in front of a fine plug now.

Now, I know you didn't move after my car. Oh, come on, you two. Come on now.

Honey, you know these two men aren't going to ever get along. Right, Carolyn?

Never, ever.

Mary, where do we put these bags?

Under your eyes with those others.

I have it all worked out. Brenda's going to sleep out here, and two of you can

sleep in her room. The other two get to stay in a nice motel with clean sheets,

continental breakfast, and cable TV.

Good, good. We'll take Brenda's room, and the one with the fancy Buick can

down to the motel.

You move because you parked in front of a firehouse, and you got to move anyway.

Mom, don't mom me.

You want your own mother to stay at a motel? Lester, are you still the head of

this house, or aren't you?

Now, just where do you think you're going? This is my son's home, and I'm

the bedroom.

Over my dead body?

That's the way you want it.

Now, I am going to tell you exactly where you're going to be staying.

Isn't he forceful?

Mary and I know you all love us and want to stay with us, but we just don't have

enough room. Sure you do. You and Mary go to the motel.

That's the silliest idea I ever heard.

Then Mary and Lester wouldn't have any of us with them.

I think we could live with that.

Now, now, wait a minute. I have another solution.

Rose has an extra room, and two of you can stay with her.

I'm married.

She bug -bombed that room this morning, remember?

Listen, I've traveled this far. I want to spend time with my son.

And I want to spend time with my daughter.

You don't call me sexy anymore.

I don't call you skinny anymore either, do I?

Sandra, we're a bedroom short. We were wondering, could you put a couple of

people up in your place?

Henry and Milton, I'd be happy to.

Couples. We're speaking couples, Sandra. Couples.

Well, now, if it'll help solve things, we'll stay with Sandra.

That's gracious of you, Henry, but a daughter needs her father with her. Now,

Ruby and I will be glad to stay with you, Sandra.

Don't forget it.

I'd bring enough vitamin pills for that.

We are staying here.

We are staying here.

Sandra, is it all right with you? We'll settle who stays where later.

House guests all weekend?

Uh -huh. Well, I don't know. I'm seeing a certain gentleman, and if another man

answers the phone, he'd be awfully jealous.

Yeah, I'd do it.

Oh, I know, Mary. Your parents can stay with me tonight, and Lester, your

parents can stay with me tomorrow.

Hey, that sounds like a great arrangement.

Uh -huh.

I hope you're not allergic to satin sheets.

I thought I'd have to be dead before I got satin sheets.

It's more fun when you're alive.

I'll see you later.

Now,

come on, everybody. This is our anniversary. Let's enjoy it. Yes, for

sake, you two.

Let's have some fun here and start making it a competition.

Grandma's grandpa.

Hi, baby.

How you doing?

How you doing?

Oh,

Brenda, honey, you're getting so big. And so pretty.

Wait, got you a little gift.

A pretty blue blouse.

Oh, thanks, Grandma Ruby.

Yes, Ruby, that's nice.

But wait till you see the cashmere sweater.

We brought you. Oh, thanks, Grandma Carolyn. How sweet.

But, honey, look.

Don't get wet in this coat.

Cashmere's so smelly when it's wet.

That's when you put on the new raincoat we brought you.

Oh, wow.

Brenda.

Boots. Oh, they're beautiful.

Don't move.

I've got more in the other bag.

Honey, I got two more bags.

Hey, babe.

Oh, hi, honey.

Have a rough day?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

How are things on the front lines?

Well, you folks just got up from a nap.

Oh, tired from your trip, huh?

Your mama's tired from rearranging my kitchen.

How are your folks doing up at Sandra's? Well, I can tell you one thing. They

didn't have a nap.

Not with Daddy watching Sandra and Mama watching Daddy.

Now, what's the latest on the party arrangements?

Well, Sandra, Rose, and Pearl are fighting about everything.

The decorations, the entertainment, the food.

Now they want to know what our song is.

Oh, tell them we don't have a song.

I can't tell them that. Every loving couple has a song.

Well, we met at the football game in high school. Tell them it's the East

Fight Song.

Why not?

Everybody else is fighting. We may as well fight, too.

We're not fighting. We are if you think I'm going to tell them the East High

Fight Song is our song.

I told you we should have gone on a cruise.

All right, you want to go on a cruise, we'll go on a cruise.

Oh, really? When?

Sure, I'll have everything wrapped up in a year or two.

Then the only thing I can do on a cruise is bury you at sea.

Oh, hello, sweet thing, you homie. Hey, Mom.

Would you talk to your son?

He's planning to take a job working two years, 24 hours a day.

Congratulations.

Things are great, huh?

Master, you have got to be more careful and take care of yourself, sweetheart.

I'll get it.

Well, look who's here.

Hey, Henry.

Mama,

would you talk to Lester? Would you tell him that staying home with his family

is just as important as working?

And would you tell your daughter that a man is supposed to take care of his

family, and in order to do that, he has to work?

There's plenty of time for a vacation after the work is finished.

Then you say, how can we go on a vacation? I'm out of work.

Does he pull that on you, too?

Henry always did that. Milton did the same thing.

Well, you didn't seem to have a problem when it came to spending the money.

Ain't that the truth. And the more you make, the more they spend.

Ain't this a blip? We're trying to keep them from killing themselves.

And this is the thanks we get. Tell them, Mary.

Men.

Come on, Mary. I'll help you fix dinner.

Oh, that's okay, Mama. I can do it. Well, not if lunch was an indication.

Strange animals, these women.

God created them, and only God knows what he had in mind.

Hello.

Yeah, Kim.

They were supposed to deliver it Monday.

Okay, I'll be right down.

What's the matter, son?

Oh, I gotta go down to the construction site.

Say, Henry, tell Mary not to wait dinner for me. I'll get a bite out.

You better go on in there and tell her.

She's your daughter, you tell her.

Well, that's your son.

All right, okay, okay, I'll tell her. You Jenkins never had any guts anyway.

Oh, where did Lester go?

He went to the bathroom.

Now over, Bells, over. All right, all right, all right. I got to get it up

Got the camera, Miss Clark.

Miss Clark rented it. She thought it'd be good to have a videotape of the park.

Hey, that's a great idea, Miss Clark. Good thinking. Thank you.

Yeah. Wonderful, Drunkard. Wonderful.

Why don't I get you three putting up the banner? That'll be my opening shot.

Good idea.

Okay, ready?

Action.

Hi, this is Drunkard.

Oh, my little helpers are putting up the banner. Let me tell you about tonight's

big event. Tonight we're going to celebrate... Cut! Cut!

Something wrong?

Mm -hmm.

Calvin, there are two other people here.

Who happened to be doing all the work?

Maybe Calvin needs an exciting opening shot. Come on, Calvin.

How about me hitting you with some potato salad?

Pearl, let's put the food out.

Mr. and Mrs. Hurley, great. Count to three and knock again.

You didn't count to three.

Calvin, by the time I count to three, you and that camera better be gone.

Oh, don't listen to him, Calvin. He gets that way when his collar's too tight.

See, he's not wearing a tie.

That's because he doesn't know any better.

Now, see?

He's wearing a tie.

That's because he doesn't know any better.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, everything looks so lovely.

Where's Lester? Oh, I'm just getting him up from a nap. He was exhausted.

Okay, everybody, get the... Together for a picture.

Oh. Let me get next to my daddy. Come on, darling. Nice and tight. All right.

Okay. Now, Milton, why are they in front?

Because we were the ones who paid for the wedding.

You were supposed to pay for the wedding.

That's right. You were desperate to get Lester for Mary because he was the best

catch in the county.

Are you kidding? He was nothing but feet, knees, and elbows.

You can't talk about my son. I don't know why not. Would you please stop it?

are supposed to be having fun. We're going to have fun.

You were supposed to make the coleslaw.

You were supposed to make the coleslaw, and I was supposed to make the potato

salad. I was supposed to make the potato salad, and Sandra was supposed to bring

the vegetables.

Well, I brought the vegetables. We didn't want them in cans.

Well, no problem. Aren't they pop -tops?

Would you all please hold it down?

Now, if he's not wearing pants, I sure ain't wearing this tie.

Why don't you dress? Don't you feel well?

I'm fine. I'm just going to get myself a little juice.

You are not fine.

Sit down.

Mr., are you sick? What are you doing to my son?

He is my son -in -law, and I will check him if I want to.

You'd better lie down.

I was going to do that.

Oh, poor thing.

He looks wore out.

You two been fooling around too much?

Of course you haven't.

It's obvious what's wrong. He's been working himself to death.

Sandra, Rose, and Pearl, I'm sorry, but we can't have your party. I wish you'd

go downstairs and head people off because the party is canceled.

Now, Mary, come on. Don't you now marry me. When you're standing up, you're in

charge. When you're lying down, I'm in charge.

people. Well, I'll take the men. You two split the women.

You rest, Lester. Mary, call me if you need me.

Sweetheart, you look terrible.

Even Henry looks better than you. Now, just a minute.

You do like your wife says.

You get you some rest now.

I got news for you. You are not handling these projects alone anymore.

I want us to grow old together like our parents, and I want us to be healthy so

we can enjoy it.

She's right, sweetheart.

These are the best years.

Aren't they, Carolyn?

They sure are.

And here's something else for you.

If you die and leave me, I am not going to sit around and moat. I'm going to

take your money and live it up with another guy.

The money I broke my back for, I take you with me first.

Then I suggest you stick around.

All right, if you want to go on a cruise, we'll go on a cruise.

When? In two weeks.

Don't worry, son. Mother and I will be right here with you till you get well,

matter how long it takes.

Yeah, and we'll be here, too.

We'll do this in shifts, 24 hours a day.

And I'm going to fix you one of those raw egg drinks like I used to shove down

your throat.

A mustard plaster is what you need.

All right, now, you two men get out of here so Lester can get some rest.

And Brenda, you come with me.

Good. Your wife's boss is mine, ain't she?

Well,

happy anniversary, honey.

Mary, call the travel agency and see if they got a boat going out real soon.

Tomorrow? Tonight.

Right.