Original subtitles

They have no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with those same old ways. No, no. Pulling together, we'll

it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can fly.

No place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

No place, child.

Oh, I don't even know why I agreed to do this. I don't even like blind dates.

Oh, I shouldn't even really go. How do I look? Oh, Rose, my goodness.

It'll be fun going on a double date.

Going to the movies, the four of us, just like old times. Yeah, old times. I

haven't been out in months.

Oh.

Oh, Mary, have you seen my tie -tie? Oh, Lester, tell me more about Jack.

Rose, he is still 40 years old. He still works for me. He's still a nice guy.

And this message does not repeat.

How did I get into this?

Hi, Lester. Hey. Oh, Rose.

Glad I caught you.

In my hand is no inhibitions, too.

This is a strong one, girl. I made a mistake of spraying it on in the men's

department. Six mannequins followed me home.

Rose does not need this. Just be your own sweet self.

You know, she's probably right, Rose.

This stuff is expensive while wasted on a blind date.

These guys usually look like scuzzbuggers, don't they?

Hi, Pearl.

Hi, Sandra.

He's here, he's waiting downstairs, and he's double parked.

Oh, Pearl, what does he look like? Who cares?

If they can make it up to Stu, that's good enough for me.

All right, let's go. Oh, Lester, you think I'll like him? Yeah, but we gotta

hurry, because at midnight, his teeth start to grow and his nails get longer.

Oh, Lester!

Girl, don't pay any attention to Lester. Besides, it's not even a full moon

tonight.

Oh, Murray, wait till you see the dress I bought.

She dragged me all over town, Mary. Jack wouldn't like this. Jack wouldn't like

that. Three dates and she knows everything about Jack.

You kind of like Jack, huh?

Oh, he's a dream.

He's a dream. He's so sweet, so sensitive, so single.

I didn't have sexy in there, Rose.

Some people go out for companionship.

Companionship? If I want companionship, I'll get me a dog.

Dogs are smart. You better get a goldfish.

You like?

Oh, shut up, Rose.

Girl, you're going to be a mess.

Ladies.

Oh, hi. Oh, hi, Lester. How?

Jack. Jack?

Jack's fine.

You know, I think I'll call him and invite him for dessert. I just have

to have baked his favorite pie.

Mary, could I see you in the kitchen for a second?

What's wrong?

All this talk reminded me of something.

Okay.

Listen,

I don't think Rose ought to invite Jack for dessert.

Why not?

He's already having his dessert.

What are you talking about?

The reason he took off today is because he's moving in with his new roommate.

So?

His new roommate is a 20 -year -old girl.

What?

You mean he was paying somebody else while he was dating Rose? Yeah, and all

this time I thought he was tired from overworking.

Now, what would a 40 -year -old man want with a 20 -year -old girl?

Never mind.

This is terrible. What are we going to tell Rose?

It's always best to tell the truth.

You're right.

He fell off the roof and died.

You were listening.

I always listen when the door's closed.

Oh, Rose, you must be so disappointed. That Jack must be crazy. Yeah, like a

fox.

Well, I never would have thought it'd happen to me.

Men my age aren't looking for women my age. Men my age are looking for 20 -year

-olds. Mm -hmm. Even 60 -year -old men are looking for 20 -year -olds.

The only way to have an honest relationship today is to lie about

Come on, you two. Stop it.

My goodness, Rose. Now, I know for a fact that you have dated many men who

dying to see you again.

Losers, Mary.

You don't know what's out there. And you don't know how boring it is to be out

with a guy who spends the whole evening talking about what a creep his ex -wife

was. Oh, Rose.

You need men anyway.

You do?

I do not.

I have Tiffany and I have my friends and my electric blanket.

Rose, now look, I'm going out with somebody from my A -list tonight. Jerome

Rosie has the cutest friend. If you like, I could ask Jerome to bring them

along. Just a minute.

Let's hear a little bit more about this cute little friend.

Oh, maybe.

He's well -mannered, he loves classical music, and he's a dentist.

I don't know.

I do.

Pick me up at eight.

Hey, Pearl.

Did the dates get here yet? No, but I hope they get here soon.

I just can't wait to get back at that book about Sinatra.

Girl, it's a wonder he had enough strength left to sing.

Good evening.

Do Sandra Clark and Rose Holloway live here?

You got the right place.

Are you Rose's date? No, I'm Jerome Bailey, Sandra's date.

Harold is Rose's date.

Harold, over here.

This is Harold.

My younger brother.

Number one in his class in dental school.

Yeah, three more years and I graduate.

Did, uh,

Sandra tell you that, um, Rose was out of school?

Oh, age makes no difference. I like older women.

What are you doing with us tonight?

I'm gonna go sleep there ready. But I don't think Rose was feeling too well.

Sandra, you are too much.

I'm your mom, you little devil.

Yeah, baby.

This is my friend Rose.

And this is my brother, Harold.

Oh, that's sweet. You're bringing your brother with us.

When's Rose's date?

He's Rose's date.

Hi, Rose.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, he's cute.

We have a lot of fun if you can stay out past ten.

If you're feeling uncomfortable, I can understand that.

Uncomfortable, me? No.

Of course, I am a couple of years older than you.

What's the difference? We're just going out for dinner. A little dancing.

Um, conference.

You don't have to go out with him. You can stay home and watch television with

me and Lester.

You know, dinner and dancing doesn't sound too bad. Let's go.

And Rose said it was a disaster.

Oh, it wasn't that bad.

Sure, he was a little young for her, but once Rose got the hang of dancing to

Pee Wee Herman, she was fine.

Not to be hurting her ego.

You know how it is to be unlucky with men.

No.

I'll talk to you, Pearl.

I wish there was something we could do, but where in the world can you meet a

nice man today?

Oh, what about that dating thing? They show that commercial on TV.

You talking about that video man? Mm -hmm.

Well, your videotape meets his videotape. Y 'all get married and have a

cassette.

Well, my friend Mona, her daughter went there and got herself a husband.

And she looks like an alligator.

It's worth a try.

Oh, come on. I know Rose like a book.

And a team of wild horses couldn't drag her down there.

Ooh, I don't know if I should be doing this. Oh, shut up, Rose. We had to run

all the way to keep up with you.

Good afternoon, ladies.

I am Walter Gibson, your guide to happiness.

There are three of you. Too bad the Johnson triplets are all married.

Now, how may I help you?

We'll take a passport photo and be on our way.

My friend Rose would like to meet a man. About a half dozen. Pick him up.

First, she has to make her videotape.

Are you sure this is legal?

Madame, this is done with the utmost taste, dignity, and discretion.

Discretion? Putting her on camera so men can leer at her like a sex object?

Sounds like a good start. How much is it?

Money is not the important thing, Sherry. I get my satisfaction from

the wedding.

That'll be $75 cash.

That is ridiculous.

What wedding? If it works, it's worth it, Mary. What wedding? I am not going

let her do it. What wedding? She is here. We're doing it. What wedding?

82 % of our clients have found mates.

How many have found husbands?

Madam, I go to another reception every weekend. I buy toasters by the dozens.

Is this where I stand?

Oh, yes, it is. And you look marvelous, darling.

Would you like a cave card, Betty?

Oh, no, no, no. Maybe something more... Two spaces.

Perhaps this.

Him Tarzan, you James.

Me thick.

It's just a test, so relax, be yourself, and tell us a little something about

yourself. Okay.

When do I start?

Right now.

Rolling.

My name is Rose Holloway, and I'm 35 years old. I'm a widow with a 12 -year

daughter, and I don't date too often. Oh, stop it!

Was that too dull?

Dull? They got happier people on death row.

Well, that's the problem. Step aside.

Hi there.

My name is Rose Holloway. I like mountains, picking flowers, going for

but most of all, I like getting to know you.

Getting to know all about you.

Getting to like you. Getting to hope you like me.

Please, please. Getting to know you.

Putting it my way, but nice.

Mary! You are precisely my cup of tea.

Camera's not on.

You mean I wasted all that?

Walter, do you mind if I take Rose into your dressing room for a private

consultation? If it's okay with Mary Poppins, it's okay with me.

Just a minute, I'm going with you. The word was private, Mary. Come on, Rose.

What are you two doing in there?

I think we're ready now.

Since Holloway?

Rose, the name is Raquel.

Well, what do you think?

I think you ought to take whoever this is back in there.

Steer me to the camera.

You do look lovely in that dress, my dear.

It's $15 to rent, $40 to buy.

Rose, one Sandra in the world is enough.

Oh, now, Mary, don't be jealous. If I got a few days next week, I'll work on

you.

Won't be easy.

I guess not. You'll be working with both eyes closed.

Ladies, please, we must move on. I have another engagement party to attend this

afternoon. Whenever you're ready.

Rolling.

Oh,

say something.

I can't. I forgot what Sondra taught me.

Cut!

I feel like we're doing a miniseries.

Darling, now, I know you're tense, but your director is right here. Now, let me

show you once again. Okay.

My name is Raquel Holloway.

I'm 30.

Did I say 30?

Silly me.

29.

I'm a huge condo complex where I often throw wild parties with my friends.

You, too, get me invited.

Oh, I think I got it now.

Oh, Rose, I wouldn't say those things. Of course you wouldn't. You've got

Lester, and that 20 -year -old has Jack, and I'm sitting home with Cosby.

I'm Raquel Holloway, and I'm 28 years old.

I own a huge condo complex.

Hurry up, Charlie. It's one minute till the kickoff. Right, all right. Hey,

Lester, you think we got enough snacks?

I think we got enough till halftime.

I'll unload the next shit.

Mary, look at this.

Oh, what is it?

Keep moving, ladies. You're standing on the 40 -yard line.

A man like my videotaping fit me here.

Oh, let's play it.

are trying to score.

So is Rose.

We're trying to watch the game. It's not fair to Charlie.

Charlie. Oh, come on, Charlie. You can do this itsy bitsy teeny weeny flavor

me. You wouldn't mind, would you?

I don't mind.

What do you mean you don't mind?

A minute is only going to take a minute if she did say please.

Charlie. Mary, put it on. Put it on.

I own a financial firm. I'm 40 years old.

I'm looking for someone interesting and exciting.

Someone to share the rest of my life with.

If you'd like to meet me, my phone number is 555 -3247.

Oh, go for it, Rose.

Isn't he charming?

Oh, he seems nice.

If he's not wearing a helmet, I want him out of my set.

You said it would work? Yeah.

I directed it, but I didn't do it alone. There are a lot of little people to

thank. The cameraman, Walter.

I'm sorry Raquel is late. She shouldn't be here any minute.

Oh, it's my fault. I shouldn't have rushed her so.

Though sitting here the past hour and a half has been pleasant.

Oh, hi, honey.

Oh, Mr. Higby, meet my husband, Lester.

Oh, yeah.

Haven't I seen you on TV?

It's my fault Raquel is late. Hi.

I'm fine, Joe.

She was trying to find a date for me with one of her many gentlemen callers.

So, you must be Kenneth.

A pleasure to meet you.

I'll believe this.

Believe it.

You look just like your video.

Thank you.

Why don't we all sit down?

Well, would anyone care for coffee and cake?

Oh, yes, please. Thank you.

Raquel, I must say you have some lovely friends.

Thank you.

Oh, Kenneth, you must try some of this banana cake.

Raquel baked it with her own little hands.

Oh, it was nothing.

Nothing? Oh, look at these nails. Why, just peeling the bananas alone is

something, child.

Say, babe, I wish you had some fingernails like that.

Save me some money on a back scratcher.

Raquel, I must have looked at 300 tapes before yours just jumped out at me.

You're not only beautiful, but you're bright and successful.

How many women of 28 own a large condo complex?

Why don't we all pay?

Trivial pursuit.

Oh, no, no, no. I'd like to hear more about Raquel.

I understand you're a financial advisor.

Uh, yes, I own my own firm.

And, uh, what do you do? Me?

Oh, I'm a director.

Really?

Have I seen anything you might have done?

Uh, I think you've seen everything she's done.

You want to take a seat?

Oh.

Oh, um, Sandra.

Uh, you wanted us to come to your condo and see your new couch.

Condo? Couch?

Oh, and you wanted to see it, too, didn't you, dear? I did? Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Never pass up the opportunity to see a condo couch.

Well, now, you two just relax, have a nice chat, and we'll be back in just a

moment.

Action.

Bye -bye.

This is nice.

Yes, nice.

Tell me, Raquel, what do you like to do for fun?

Fun? Oh, parties, dancing, lying, in the sun.

Sounds like you'd probably love Club Med, huh? Of course you've been there.

My second home.

In fact, they called me the Medfly.

And when I'm not vacationing there, I'm in Paris.

You like Paris?

In the springtime.

And I love Paris in the fall.

I love Paris in the winter when it drizzles.

I love Paris in the summer when it

sizzles.

Oh, you have a nice voice.

Oh, so do you. So sexy.

Indeed. So I've been told.

My cold. I think I'm getting one of those contagious flus that's going

I just had a flu shot.

Raquel, I think you are a very exciting woman. Thank you, I... No more than

exciting. Kenneth... Not irresistible is more like it. Kenneth... Those eyes,

that hair.

That face. Please. Yes, please.

No.

Stop. Stop. I'm living a lie.

My name isn't Raquel, and this isn't my real voice.

My name is Rose, and I'm not 28 years old. I'm 35 going on 36.

And this isn't my real hair.

This isn't my real beauty mark, and these are not my real fingernails.

Oh. I must have been out of my mind. I've never been to Paris.

And for years, I thought Club Med was for doctors only.

You've taught me a lesson.

I deceived you, and I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry, too. I wasn't completely honest

with you.

I'm not 40. I'm 45.

And I'm not a financial advisor. I'm just an ordinary accountant.

And it wasn't Club Med. It was Atlantic City.

And you want to know something else? I don't need this.

I thought you were going to unscrew your head.

Oh, my throat is so sore from talking like this.

And my high heels were killing me.

You know, Rose is a beautiful name.

Thank you.

You know, and I even like you better this way. Besides, those fingernails

frightening.

Well, you know, you don't look so bad yourself, Kenneth.

It is Kenneth, isn't it? Yes. Oh, okay.

Say, why don't you put your high heels back on and let's go for a walk?

I'll put them on downstairs. I almost killed myself coming up.

No, that's right.

Well, you ready?

Oh, ready.

It's nice to have met you folks.

We're going for a walk.

What does she do to him?

I don't know, child, but I sure hope he don't catch cold because there's his

hair on the floor.

And those are heart and nail peelers.

Ah, the things single folks have to go through.

I sure am glad I got you, honey.

And I'm glad I got you too, baby. Now here, put these on.

Lower your voice.

and scratch my back.