Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that's your love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

No, no. Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can fly. No place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

I mean, no play child.

Oh, hey, Pearl.

What happened to you this morning? You overslept?

Yeah. I watched Casablanca last night.

And every time Bogie says, play it again, I'll watch it again.

How was the services?

Oh, just beautiful, Pearl. And we sang your favorite hymn, too. Sweet Jesus.

I love that.

Lester loves it, too.

Loves it so much, he sings it in his own key.

Yeah, even the Catholics down the street mention that.

Listen, I don't have to take this abuse. I got a lot of work to do upstairs.

Mm -hmm.

Take off your shoes before you're laid out.

Mary, tell Pearl the good news.

What good news?

Oh, yes.

I am being considered as president of the Women's Auxiliary at church.

Ooh, that is good news.

You're going to be terrific, Mom.

Oh, thank you, dear. But I haven't got it yet.

Emma Johnson's being considered, too. Oh, that cold fish.

She'd have to die to warm up.

I had her from Sunday school once.

She made us write down our 20 worst sins. We had to borrow from each other.

Speak of the devil.

Good morning, ladies.

Mary.

Hello, Emma.

Esther, Elaine, Elvira.

I understand we're being considered for the same position.

Why, yes, we are.

No matter which one of us is chosen, I'm sure the Lord will find a place for

you.

You know, Emma, I know the Lord is sure glad you're down here on Earth.

Thank you.

And not up there with him.

If you'll excuse me, my girls and I are going to visit the Lincoln Memorial.

If Lincoln's smart, he'll get up and leave.

That's what I like about Sundays. They're so full of brotherly love.

Mom, I'm going in. I got a lot of homework.

Okay. Take off your shoes before you lie down.

That woman gone? Oh, yes, thank the Lord.

Good, because my rubber plant was beginning to wilt.

Oh, look at this mess.

Here, I'll take that pearl.

I don't know why I even bother putting out trash cans.

I know what you mean.

Well, I'm going to get on upstairs and get to my usual Sunday battle, how to

keep Lester from watching the Redskins.

Oh, listen to what somebody wrote.

Rose, you shouldn't be reading other people's stuff.

Clasping me tightly, he pressed his burning lips to my eager, waiting mouth.

What'd you say?

My mind was in turmoil as Leslie's hand slid across my bare back.

His voice was soft and caressing as he whispered, You're mine.

You're mine.

Lord, don't put that back in the trash. That could start a fire.

Is there any more?

publication.

Publication? Mm -hmm. I'm writing a romance novel, but, you know, it doesn't

have enough pencil to a check.

Why, practically point off my eyeball.

Sandra, you just can't all of a sudden say you're a writer. Well, why not?

You always read about some housewife writing a romance novel and making

millions. And they marry.

What do they know about romance?

And what is the name of this great work of literature?

I call it Passion on the Potomac, a new novel by Sandra Du Maurier.

Sandra Du Maurier?

You should call her Agatha Crazy.

But I can't stand her out here and waste valuable time.

Where are you going?

Well, you know writing a romance novel is hard, demanding work.

But the research is fun.

Mom, I'm finished. Can I go to the movies with Tiffany?

Today is Sunday, Brenda. It's family day.

The family would like to have you around.

I mean, you should have read that stuff. It was so bad that we read one page and

threw it in the trash.

Good for you.

Where's the trash can?

Come on, Brandy, help me clear the table. I'd rather take down the trash.

Mary, wait till you read these pages Sandra wrote.

What pages?

The ones we dug out of the trash after you left.

I don't want to hear any more nonsense about Sandra Du Maurier.

Oh, you don't? Well, you should, because you're in it. We're all in it. What are

you talking about? Oh, she changed the names a little, but it's definitely us.

You're Marie, I'm Rosita. And I'm Pearlie Mae.

Read her what she said about me.

In this building full of romance and intrigue, lust and jealousy, there was

one person I could turn to, Pearlie Mae.

She, with the wisdom of the years, eyes full of life and desire, international

jet setter who left four husbands on the battlefield of broken hearts.

What can I say?

That is me to a T.

Read what she said about you, Rosita.

I'd rather not, if you don't mind. Oh, go on, read it.

Well, she just says Rosita is the owner of the apartment house.

And she's a nymphomaniac.

Sounds like things are getting juicy.

Read your paper.

I want to hear about Marie.

Wait till you hear about Leslie.

Who is Leslie? That's Marie's husband.

It's right there, Rose. I see it. Well, read it.

The tall, handsome Leslie with his beautiful white teeth and neatly clipped

mustache stood straight and tall, a barrier between me and the storm ahead.

Well, you gotta hand it to her. The girl can write.

There's more.

Read that part, Rose.

Well, read it.

But even as he embraced his wife, Marie, he knew her eyes were on Derek at the

punch bowl.

He could feel her heart quicken.

But he knew it was for Derek.

Who the hell is Derek?

And why would you fool around with him when you got this tall, good -looking

Leslie?

Because I've had it with Leslie watching football every Sunday.

Football? The game's about to start. How do I get over to Charlie's?

Listen, you be careful, woman, because if I come back and find Derek here, you

better give his soul to the Lord because his butt belonged to me.

I know where Sandra gets off using her book like that. It is not a book. It is

bunch of wrinkled pages that should have stayed in the trash.

You do want to hear about Marie?

What about Marie?

It's right there, Rose. I know where it is. Well, read it.

This woman is so slow.

To the neighbors, Marie was a simple wife and mother sitting on the stupid

changing pleasantries.

But they knew nothing about her other life.

A life of love, passion, manipulation, and cruelty.

But Robert knew.

He lit a match, burned her photograph, then pulled out a pistol and said,

I truly loved you, and shot himself.

Oh, my goodness.

She's found me out.

That is so dumb.

I mean, who would believe this myth?

Oh, well, you'd be surprised.

Some people believe everything they read.

Good afternoon, Mary.

Why, Reverend, what a nice surprise.

I actually came by to see Pearl. I understand she's been ill.

Why, Pearl, here you are.

Well, that sounds like a bad call.

How are you feeling?

I feel much better than I did this morning.

Have a seat, Reverend. Oh, why, thank you.

Well, can I get you anything?

Oh, no, thanks. I just wanted to congratulate you on being nominated to

our lady's auxiliary.

Oh, why, thank you, Reverend.

Oh, they couldn't have picked a better person than Mary.

Oh, Reverend, your shoe's untied.

No, it's just fine.

But, you know, it's going to be kind of tough.

Beating Emma, you know, she is a pillar of the church.

Oh, I think you've got a good chance of getting the job, Mary.

Everyone knows you. You know your Bible, and you have strong moral convictions.

Why, thank you, Reverend.

You're welcome.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, I seem to have wrinkled these pages.

I'll just straighten them out.

That's all right, Reverend. I'll iron them.

His hand slid across to mine.

And he gently pulled me to him.

My mind reeled, wanting to say, no.

I would like to talk to you about this book you're writing.

I would like to talk to you about the sex -crazed landlady you've got.

I'd like to talk to you about expanding that part about Pearlie Mae.

Because I've got some good ideas. Great!

Let me get them down for you.

Pearl, we want to ask you some questions about this book.

Oh, my first interview!

Next stop, the Johnny Carson show here.

You'll want to take notes.

I was born in a small town of poor but proud parents who didn't know what to

I don't care where you were born. The fact that you were born is the problem.

Sandra, how dare you base your characters on us? What makes you think I

that? Oh, come on.

Marie, Rosita.

And Pearlie Mae.

You know, something happened to me when I was 18. You just loved. What was that?

Pearl.

Now, look, our lives are private. You have no right to use them in your book.

Thought you'd be flattered.

I mean, come on, Mary, let's face it. I put a little zip into your life.

And mine.

When I was 18.

Pearl, will you stop it?

Now, what we want to know is what you plan to do with this junk.

Junk? Justin, my writing teacher and good friend, assures me that any day

publishers will be bidding against each other for the rights.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, don't worry, honey.

All they're going to do with it is lie in bird cages.

Oh. Well, we'll see, Mary. I'm sending what I've written so far to seven

different publishers. I'm going to make everybody in 227 famous.

Now, who is going to buy a book about nothing but lust, sex, dirt, and trash?

You just described nine out of the top ten bestsellers.

Good morning, lady.

It was.

Didn't I tell you I finished the fifth chapter last night?

Ooh, I can tell you this, doesn't it, Leslie?

He is not as nice as we thought he was.

It is amazing how much sin you can cram into one little apartment.

Or one little mind.

Good morning, you sexy little kittens.

What do you mean by that?

What did you read?

I say that's all my ladies.

Perked them up.

And it also gets me a better Christmas present.

Which, by the way... You are getting the same thing you got last year.

You didn't give me nothing last year.

Now you'll have a set.

Any mail for me?

There sure is, darling.

Two nice big envelopes. Uh, from publishing companies.

Oh, shoot.

Oh, what's wrong, sugar?

Big envelopes usually means there's manuscripts in them. And when they send

the manuscripts, that means they're not interested.

What manuscripts?

I wrote this wonderful book.

Oh, really?

What's it about?

It's an exercise book. All about breathing.

Heavy breathing is more like it.

Sandra, about your book. Wait a minute.

I mean, shouldn't you be on your appointed rounds? People are waiting for

mail, you know. Are you trying to get rid of me?

If I put a stamp on a steak, will you deliver it to the Doberman down the

street?

And by the way, your postcards are boring.

Geez, Sandra, that's too bad you struck out with the publishers.

Yes, Sandra, what a tough break.

Well, I guess this means the end of your writing career, huh?

No, Justin says before you become famous, you should become infamous.

Oh, I know just how I'm going to do it, too.

I got several copies of my apartment all ready to go.

I'm going to give one to Emma Johnson at the church.

Emma Johnson?

Mm -hmm.

Why her?

You know what a prude she is.

She'll be shocked to her toes, start a campaign and have me and my book thrown

out of the city.

Then...

I don't feel comfortable doing this, Mary. It is Sondra's apartment.

Rose, you're the landlady. You have a passkey.

Besides, I hear a smoke alarm.

I don't hear a smoke alarm.

Okay, if you want to be known as a sex fiend. I hear the smoke alarm.

Isn't this breaking and entering?

No, it's poking and snooping. Now, come on.

It's open.

He left it open.

Now. It's not breaking and entering. It's just entering.

Oh, Mary.

To see if there's been a robbery.

Oh, all right, all right.

Well, it looks all right to me. Let's go.

As long as we're here, we might as well look for the manuscripts.

We'll just put them in protective custody.

Well, I guess we can get away with that.

Good. Come on.

Rose, we're not doing anything wrong. Look, did she ask our permission to put

in her manuscript?

No, Ben, we don't need her permission to take those copies.

Besides, I'll give them back to her after we get the church job.

Would you stop wiping?

Now look at this bouquet.

There is not a single book in here on how -to.

You know why?

Because she knows how to.

Oh, she does have a sentimental streak, though.

There's no place like home unless it's his place.

Cheap perfume.

Anybody in here?

If there is, I'm calling the police.

Sandra!

You're home!

Good, good.

I was just conducting my annual safety inspection.

And, uh... Oh, and your smoke detector, it's up there.

Uh -huh.

Mary, how's the roach inspection coming?

bags and moved to the motel.

Uh, you know, Sandra, you keep a spotless apartment.

Well, Mary, shall we move on to the next apartment? Yeah! Okay.

I don't know about the roaches, but the rats are still here.

What's that behind your back, Mary?

That's my man who's for business. You're trying to steal it. I could have you

arrested for burglary. Give it to me. And I could have you arrested for

defamation of character.

Now, you look, I am being considered for presidency of the Women's Auxiliary.

And if they think there's a grain of truth to this stuff, I'm dead.

So please don't pass these out. And especially not to Emma Johnson.

Too late.

I already gave her a copy.

No!

I mean, of all the people in the world, why Emma Johnson?

I mean, why don't you just put it up on the bulletin board at the supermarket?

Mary, will you please sit down and change the subject?

Emma has a false, but she's not vicious.

You know what your problem is?

You think every...

everybody as good.

You're lucky you have me to point out the rotten ones.

Nothing is going to happen.

And the last time you said that, we had Brenda.

M, Rev, 730.

Brenda!

Brenda!

Yeah, ma? What is this? M, Rev, 730.

Oh, didn't I tell you? Emma Johnson and Reverend Davis are coming over at 730.

What? Damn. Emma Johnson and Reverend... I heard... I heard you. I heard you.

Nothing is going to happen, huh?

Mom, what are you talking about?

That's all right. Just go to your room. Do your homework and don't come out.

Fine with me. I don't care much for Mrs. Johnson anyway.

She's always telling me how well I'm turning out in spite of the

What circumstances?

Isn't it obvious?

Me.

Oh, there they are.

Wait a minute.

What time is it?

7 .25.

Then I have five more minutes to enjoy life. Don't open that door.

You have nothing to worry about.

Mrs. Johnson, come on in.

Reverend. Thank you, Mr.

My reverend.

What are you doing here?

Why, Emma called. Emma?

Oh, Emma.

I didn't see you.

Well, sit down. Sit down.

Can I get you anything? Coffee?

Tea? Coffee for me. Nothing for me.

Go on, talk. I'll get it.

Now, Emma, what is this all about?

You mean you don't know?

No. Emma called me and said we had to have an urgent meeting.

Unfortunately, I have in my possession some very shocking information.

An expose of... I think there's somebody coming to visit.

Why don't we postpone this till tomorrow?

Or next month?

Oh, I'll wait.

Oh, Emma.

I thought I saw you come to the building. Hello, Sandra. So nice to see

glad you're here. I have another chapter for you.

I am going to kill you.

Thank you, Sandra.

I'll read this when I get home.

Read it now.

Well, it really counts.

I am going to kill you slowly.

Well, if you think it's that important, I'll just glance at it. Excuse me.

There you go, Reverend.

Oh, thank you, Lester.

Now, Emma, I haven't got all night. What is this big problem we're here to

discuss?

Emma? The problem?

Oh, the problem!

There's no problem.

I just want you all to know that I think that Mary would make an absolutely

delightful choice to be in charge of the ladies' auxiliary.

I personally don't have time for it myself.

Well, gotta go.

Bye!

That is one strange woman.

Congratulations, Mary.

Why, thank you, Reverend. I'd better be going. Good night now. Good night,

Reverend. Good night, Reverend.

Sister Sandra.

I'll see you in a few Sundays.

I'll be praying for you.

Sandra, what in the world was on those pages? Chapter six.

Introducing my newest character.

Choir practice over, Emmeline left the church, went home, let down her hair,

changed into her crimson mini dress to begin another night of love and passion

for profit.