Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you're loved, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no

like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with old flame away.

No, no. Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can fly. But there's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Because there ain't no place like home.

I mean, no place, child.

Oh, hi, Rose.

Oh, afternoon, Mary.

What you doing down here? I thought you'd be watching your soap opera.

I was.

Child, it was just getting down to who's doing what to who. And guess what they

interrupted for?

A message from the president.

Oh!

Well, you know that wouldn't have happened if we had a woman for

This your stuff?

No, it's Mrs. Simpson's.

She told me to go ahead. She wasn't interested in it.

I see her and old man been fighting again.

How do you know that?

Extra sheets.

Oh.

Girlfriend's off her diet, too.

Oh? Cookie crumbs.

Girl, we ought to start a detective agency. I know.

Well, Miss Simpson, child, when you move, you lose.

Oh, hey, Pearl.

Hello, Mary. Hello, Rose.

Hi, Pearl.

So what's happening?

Oh, nothing much.

Miss Simpson's brother staying with her. She said that lazy bum don't do nothing

but lay in the bed and eat cookies.

Well, so much for the detective agency.

Oh, uh, Mary, can I talk to you about something? Sure. Oh, what is it, Pearl?

It's sort of private.

Oh.

In other words, take a hike, Rose.

If you don't mind.

No, I don't mind.

It's about me, isn't it? No.

Well, Mary,

make sure you let me know if there's anything exciting going on in my life.

What is it, Pearl? It's about sex.

Oh, I don't mean me, my grandson Calvin. He in trouble?

Not yet, but that's where you come in.

Me?

Yeah, I want you to get Lester to talk with him.

Oh. That boy's growing up.

Talking about girls, getting a glazed look in his eyes.

I found a Playboy magazine in his drawer.

Threw most of it out.

Pearl, I think he's old enough to know the facts of life by now. Oh, I know.

But he needs a man to talk to him about responsibility.

If you could do this for me, it'd really help me out.

Will you ask him, please?

Well, I'll ask Lester.

I don't think he's going to be overjoyed. Oh, thank you, Mary.

I'd do it myself.

But just talking about it makes my heart beat too fast.

You want me to have a sex talk with who?

Calvin. You talking Calvin, the one we know with the two left feet?

Honey, I promised Pearl I'd ask you. Okay, you ask me.

Honey. Don't get me, honey. I don't want to have a sex talk with Calvin. The

world's better off if he never finds out about it.

Lester, he knows about it. He just needs to know what to do about it.

From a mature, intelligent,

tactful, sensible, responsible man.

Can't he just watch Donahue?

No, I meant you.

Honey, he needs guidance, like you did when you were 16.

Boy, were you dumb.

I was not. You were, too.

Kissing my elbow because somebody told you it was an erotic zone.

Well, let's see if my aim is any better now.

Seven and a half.

Seven and a half? Shoot, the waitress at lunch gave me a ten.

Hi. Hi, you're a little late, aren't you?

No, I told you she was going to help decorate the auditorium for the school

dance Friday night.

All right. How's it look? Great.

Mom, can I help with dinner? It's already in the oven. Oh.

Well, um, can I vacuum or dust or anything?

All right. What are you softening us up for?

Okay, I was being immature.

I know how thoughtful and understanding you two are as parents.

Uh -oh.

This is the big one.

Lay it on us.

Can I go to the dance with Paula and Diane and Calvin and Kathy?

Back up. How far?

To Calvin.

Well, I sort of ran into him at the library, and he sort of asked me to

go to the dance.

And you agreed to go out with him?

Well, sort of.

But you are going as a group.

And coming home as a group.

Well, sort of.

Forget it.

Brenda, you know the rules. No dating until you're 16.

Well, Mom, do you...

to be the only girl at school without a date?

Uh -huh.

What's next? The only girl at school without a car?

This isn't funny, Mom. You have to let me grow up sometime.

We know that, Brenda.

We're just going to the dance and we're coming straight home by 11.

30 at the latest.

Okay, I have a crew working overtime that night. I could drop you both off at

the dance and pick you up later in my truck.

I'd rather die.

Then you can't go.

I'm in high school now.

I can't even go on a date, and some girls in my school are married.

You think that's good?

No, I have more sense than that.

But my friends are talking about all the fun they have with their boyfriends.

Brenda, it's a tough rule, but that's how we feel, and you're stuck with it.

I hope you're happy.

Just blew up 300 balloons for nothing.

Now, Calvin ought to know better than to ask her for a date.

Calvin's 16. His motor's running.

Sounds like hers is, too.

And they both live in the same building.

Hello, Calvin.

Hello,

Calvin. This is Mr.

Jenkins.

Uh, Lester.

Uh, I'd like to have a talk with you about something, man to man.

Yeah, I mean you, Calvin.

Sit down, Calvin.

Okay.

Are you cool?

Oh, yeah, I'm always cool.

Calvin, I was talking cool like in cold.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Grandma's always getting cold, too.

I think it's like that when you get old.

So, what's this all about?

Well, like I said, I want to talk to you about something man -to -man.

Sure.

Well, what I really want to talk to you about is sex.

Oh?

Okay.

What do you want to know?

I don't want to know anything, but there's some stuff you ought to know.

grandma asked me to speak with you. Why? I know all about things.

The mechanics, maybe, but we're talking about more than that. You mean the kinky

stuff?

No, Calvin. I'm talking about morality.

Oh, that.

Yeah, that.

Every man reaches an age where he starts having certain normal urges around

women. The most important thing to remember is to learn to...

controlling. Yeah.

Well, if it isn't the two handsomest men in the whole building.

Evening, Sandra.

Hi. Good evening.

Good evening, Miss Clark.

Oh, I'm glad I ran into you two out here. I just bought this new perfume,

I'm dying to know what you macho men think about it.

I hope it's not too musky.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, I'm glad you like it. It's gonna get me a yacht trip on the Potomac tonight.

Oh.

Well, Calvin, you're at an age where you should be experiencing some new

feelings. Like what?

Oh, headaches, your mind wanders, you break out in a sweat. Oh, yeah.

Now, listen.

That's normal stuff.

What you have to remember is what you're thinking not only involves your life,

but other people, too.

There are a lot of very nice young ladies out there that are going to trust

I hope so.

Calvin, this is serious.

Hey, we're not too young to get serious. I just want to take life.

Calvin, before you overheat, it's not only important that you worry about the

young ladies' welfare, you have to start worrying about your own. What's that

mean? I'll tell you what it means, and I'm only going to tell you just once.

It means if you start fooling around with my daughter, I'm going to rip your

head off.

Hi. Hi.

Dr. Calvin?

Oh, yeah.

So what'd you say?

Oh, the usual man -to -man stuff.

Well, did you mention Brenda?

Yeah, I think I did.

Well, I hope you were nice.

You know me, Mary.

Mr. Diplomat.

How dare you threat my grandson?

How dare you dump on somebody your own size?

You big brute.

Well,

just what did you say, Mr.

Diplomat?

I don't remember the exact words.

I don't remember every word that's been utter since the day we got married like

you do.

All right, I told Calvin if he kept messing around with Brenda, I was going

rip his head off.

Well, don't you think that was a little rough?

It was your idea.

Brenda Sugar, maybe I came on just a little too strong to Calvin, but I know

what goes on in the mind of a 16 -year -old boy. I was one.

Ooh, child, I'm a witness.

I remember when he was.

Fortunately, I was on the track team.

You listening to this?

Yes, Mom.

Brenda, I'm sorry you're so upset about my talk with Calvin.

No, you're not.

You did what you thought was right as a parent, and some folks will know what we

mean when they become a parent.

Bad chance I have of becoming a parent.

Now, look, Brenda. I understand.

I'm your daughter and you're my parents.

I'll just stay here and take orders until I'm old enough to support myself.

Would you please stop sulking? I wonder how old I have to be to join the Navy.

Eighteen. But we can get you a waiver.

Now, listen, young lady, and listen good, and I don't want any

Oh, that's okay. I'll get it.

Hello?

I know she can't come to the phone. Mom!

Just a moment.

It's Diane. Tell her you'll call her back.

Hi, Diane.

Can I call you back?

What?

No, I can't go to the dance.

My mom says I'm too young to date.

I know I'm older than you are.

Would you please tell her you'll call her back?

Diane, I gotta call you back.

Huh?

Well, I don't know. That's your mom.

You figure it out.

Tell her you will call her back.

I've been trying to tell her that.

Diane, I've gotta call...

any alligator diane says calvin says you did you tell diane i didn't say it

because i didn't think of it hello diane dear we will call you back

now listen brenda hello

no i'm sorry she can't come to the telephone what just a

moment i'll ask her Do you know a Cynthia Potts? Tubby Potts with the bad

breath?

Whatever.

She wants to know if you'll go to the library with her Friday night. On Friday

night? Suppose somebody sees me there, tell her no way.

You tell her, Brenda.

On the other hand, who's gonna see me?

Everybody important will be at the dance.

Well, why not study?

If I'm not gonna be popular, I might as well get a good grade.

Hello, Tup and Cynthia.

Yeah, I'll go with you.

Tiffany, did you find Calvin? Yeah, he was up on the roof. I told him somebody

wanted to see him. You didn't tell him it was me, did you?

No, I didn't want to scare him to death.

Welcome.

Shoot, I'm gonna stay here just in case your daddy comes along and kills him.

Calvin!

Huh? Oh, hi, Brent. Well, it was nice seeing you.

Calvin! Is your dad home? No, no one's home.

Do you still want to go to the dance with me? Not so loud.

Well, do you? Of course I do. But your daddy won't let us. I mean, he already

made it clear it wasn't a good idea.

be so negative.

If you cared about me, you'd find a way. I would?

Sure.

You'd probably suggest that we each pretend we have someplace else to go.

Then you'd suggest that we meet at the corner and change into our dance clothes

at the gas station.

Then at the dance, you'd swear all our friends to secrecy.

Then we'd probably stop to get burgers, and then you probably would remember the

breathments our folks can smell the onions.

Well... Calvin, you really thought this one out?

Well, you're gonna get us in a lot of trouble.

But I thought you liked me.

You do, don't you? Sure I do.

Well?

But where will I say I'm going?

I don't know. Say you're going to go see Haley's Comet.

I said I was going to the library with Cynthia Potts. Ugh, the girl with the

warts on her knees.

Calvin, do you want to go or not?

Okay, sure.

I'm a teenager.

Gotta rebel sometimes.

Mary, I come down to apologize for whopping Lester.

He had to work late tonight.

But come on in.

Might as well.

I'm by myself tonight.

Oh, Calvin went to the dance?

No, he and some friends went to look for Hayley's comic.

I didn't know Calvin was interested in astronomy.

Oh, honey, his head's been up in the clouds ever since puberty.

Oh, she went over to Cynthia Potts. Oh, I know her.

Short child with braces.

They went to the library, and then they went over to Cynthia's house.

Brenda says she's a very nice girl.

You know, it's strange. She never mentioned her before.

Calvin never mentioned anything except food.

Actually, I'm very proud of Brenda.

You know, she really wanted to go to that dance tonight.

Lester and I were saying that maybe it's time to relax the rules a little bit.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello? Yes?

Oh, Cynthia.

Oh, I see.

Oh, well, thank you. Thank you.

I'll tell her.

Well, I'm afraid you have to let yourself out, Pearl.

That was Cynthia Pott. It seems the daughter that I'm so proud of is

be home sick tonight.

I'll give you one guess where she is.

I'm wondering why Calvin took a bath to go to see Haley's comedy.

You're really good.

Thank you.

the point.

What do you mean by lying to me and your father?

But, Mom, I... Don't let Mom meet.

You're going home.

I'm going to tell her.

Come on. Mom, I'm sorry. You're not half as sorry as you're going to be.

Come on, baby, you can't stay up all night.

Oh, you go ahead, honey, I can't sleep.

Mary, it's over with.

But that doesn't stop it from hurting.

I mean, I'm hurt because we punished her, but I'm destroyed because she

us.

Come on now, you know defying your parents is part of growing up, and so is

getting punished for it.

We all know the drill. We laid down the rules, she broke it, she got punished

for it. Now come on to bed.

Go ahead, I'll be in.

Maybe I ought to call Calvin.

I think I'll let him sweat it out tonight, let him off the hook in the

Mom, Dad?

I'll go to bed, Brenda.

I want to talk.

Okay, go ahead, talk.

We're listening.

I'm really sorry about tonight.

I guess I was too busy thinking about growing up. I was acting like a kid.

I won't argue with that.

We lost a lot of confidence in you, Brenda.

I'll earn it back.

I know you will, sugar.

I got to get up early. I'm going to bed.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night, honey.

Are you still mad at me? I'm not mad, Brenda. I'm disappointed.

You know, your father and I were talking.

Maybe we've been so busy making rules, we haven't taken the time to explain why

we make them.

Mom, I know about boys.

You don't know as much as you think you do, Brenda.

Anyway, humor me.

act like i know something you don't okay come over here

brenda the way you're thinking about

a date is not necessarily the way calvin is thinking about it you know he's a

man now i know it's hard to tell by listening to him but he is what i'm

to say honey is that all young men are essentially good but they're under a lot

of pressure from their peers and themselves to have sex But, Mom, nothing

happen. You were a girl, and you survived it.

Oh, baby, things were different then.

I mean, if your father and I even held hands, I thought it was the height of

passion.

Sounds kind of nice.

It was.

But you know, with the kind of TV, music, movies, and magazines you guys

exposed to today, things are much more difficult for you.

And that worries your father and me very much.

Mom, I can handle myself.

I know you think you can, Brenda, but we can't afford to take that chance.

It's called caring.

You know what I read in the paper?

One girl out of every 10 between 15 and 19 years old gets pregnant every year.

Oh, that's awful.

I know.

It could ruin your whole life.

Okay, I'm too young for dates.

But don't you think I'm a little bit too old to be spanked?

Okay, we'll make a deal. You act like you're 14.

We'll treat you like you're 14.

Now, honey, you can always have boys at the house, and you can go places, as

long as you go with a group.

And come home with a group.

Rule 73A.

Mom, you know what I'm going to do when I have kids?

What? Be just like you.

Mean, huh?

Yeah.

I love you, Mommy.

Oh, baby, I love you, too.