Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no same old way. No, no. Pulling together, we'll make it

right. With help from our friends, I know we can fly. But there's no place

home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like. Better believe it. There ain't no place like.

There's no place like home.

I mean, no place, child.

And he's brought down hard by Babcock, but it's enough for another Redskins

first down.

Refreshment.

Go!

Thanks, baby. You shouldn't have.

Oh, that's okay, fellas.

You're welcome.

Huh? Thanks, babe.

Yeah, you shouldn't have.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Hi, Mom.

You know, you've been closed up in your room so long, I was beginning to think

you were sick.

No, I was just studying.

You through?

Well, I got a couple more chapters left.

Well, it's Sunday, and you need a break.

I know. Let's bake a cake.

Well, Mom... Mom, I gotta buckle down.

College is only four years away.

I'll let you lick the spoon.

Well, I get it.

Hi, Brenda.

Guess what? I just got the new Sheila E. album.

You wanna come to my place and listen to it? Yeah, come on. Wait a minute.

I thought you said you had to study.

Mom, it's Sunday.

And you said I need a break, right?

Bye.

That was some cute uniforms.

Well, they're my favorite colors.

Honey, I thought for your vacation this year we might go to Florida.

Uh -huh.

Oh, no, they stopped here. It's okay. We're inside the tent.

You know, we've never been to Florida. They say it's nice.

What do you think?

Fine, fine.

Okay, guys, press and go. Go!

Oh,

you know, we could go to Lebanon.

Three glorious days in Beirut.

Almost, almost. We're on the one.

We save a lot of money if we stay in one of the bombed -out rooms.

We don't get to keep going down there for sure, Charlie.

Oh, Lester, you haven't heard a word I said.

Yes, I did, babe.

What'd I say? You're talking about vacation, and it's less money if you

one of the bombed -out rooms.

Bomb that room?

Well, why not? As long as football's on, you wouldn't notice if they dropped a

bomb in this room.

Huh?

I told you.

Mary, do you want to play?

No, I got to go upstairs soon.

Well, why don't you go up now?

Because now Lester and Charlie are watching highlights of the Super Bowl,

early years.

What did men do before they watched football on TV?

They listened to it on the radio.

Then what did they do before radio was invented?

Drew football plays on cave walls.

All they do is sit around second -guessing every play.

I wouldn't do that.

You know, Mary, if you can't

beat them, join them. Why don't you try watching the game on television with

Lester? I do, but I still can't get him to talk to me.

Some fool invented instant replay.

You know what really bothers me?

There's a whole part of Lester's life that I have nothing to do with, and he

seems to like it that way.

Ladies. Oh, Sandra.

Hi, Sandra.

What have you been up to?

I just returned from a titanic clash of NFL rivals.

You were at the football game?

Ah, yes.

Ooh, the roar of the crowd, the smell of hot dogs, all those men in tight pants

patting each other's bottoms.

a real student of the game.

Do you really like football?

Heavens no.

I simply enjoy being there with a man I like. Gives us a chance to get closer.

Closer? Mm -hmm. It's cold in those stands and, well, we must keep warm.

Why don't you just turn off the heat in your apartment?

Wait a minute.

Hold it.

Are you trying to tell me that the man actually talks to you during the game?

course.

Well, how do you keep him from watching the instant replays? They don't have

those at the stadium, Mary. What?

No pregame shows?

Uh -uh.

No postgame shows?

Uh -uh.

No Brent Musburger?

Nope. And at halftime, they got this cute little floor show.

There's plenty of time to get acquainted.

Hey, that's it.

I'm going to the football game with Lester.

Oh, then he'll have to talk to you. Unless he brings his TV.

How do I get tickets for Sunday's game?

Oh, you don't. It's all sold out. It's a classic rivalry.

I thought this week was the classic rivalry.

They're all classic rivalries.

Well, I'm getting some tickets from somewhere, and we're going to the game.

Oh? And how are you going to do that?

I don't know.

Perhaps I can help.

Perhaps how?

It so happens there's this cute little salesman down at the office, and he has

pair of season tickets. And when he can't get to the game, he offers them to

And if I can't use them, then he offers them to the president.

How much?

Forty. Forty? They cost fifty. You get them free. Not so, Mary. It has taken a

great deal to cultivate this relationship.

Designer clothing, the right perfume.

He doesn't give his tickets to just anyone.

Thirty -five.

Scalping is illegal.

Thirty. Twenty -five.

Sounds good. It's a deal.

Of course.

Now, I'm not sure I can really get him.

25 is my final offer. No, seriously, Mary. Sometimes he doesn't give them

till the last minute. I keep checking with him. Wait a minute. How did you get

friendly with this salesman so fast anyway?

That's a joke. Got you the job.

One is put on this earth for such a short time, one has to move quickly.

Well, it is Sunday. The game starts at 1 o 'clock.

Sandra always delivers.

I just got them a while ago. Not a minute too soon.

We'll settle the financial arrangements later. Thanks. And I prefer cash,

please. Hey, Lester. Hey, Sandra.

Have a nice day.

Honey, what are you doing? Tune in to pregame. Charlie will be here any

Oh, are you and Charlie going to sit in front of the TV another Sunday

afternoon? Mary, it's the Redskins and the Cowboys. It's the game of the year.

Well, such a nice Sunday afternoon. It's a shame you have to be cooped up in

front of the television all day, that's all.

Mary, it's the only way I can see the game.

No, it's not.

I don't believe it. Where'd you get these?

Oh, I pulled a few strings.

Well, let me kiss the fingers that pull those strings.

That's Charlie. Wait till he sees these.

Hey, man.

Hey, that's the ready regular and barbecue.

Look at these.

Mary got you and me tickets to today's rescue game.

Oh, that's terrific.

See something, ain't you?

The best. Oh, thanks, Mary. Here, take my car.

Here, baby, you can keep these.

Uh,

why don't you come in the kitchen and help me put these away? Hey, Mary, we

to hurry. We're going to be late. Honey, you know the trouble I have with that

top shelf.

Excuse us, Charlie.

Hey, this is pretty, baby. I'm going to do something real special for you. Take

you someplace real nice.

Try RFK Stadium.

RFK Stadium?

That's good.

I like that. You in the stadium, man. That's funny.

You see me laughing?

You want to go to the game?

Right. But I only got two tickets.

Uh -huh.

Oh, man, you got these tickets for you and me.

But obviously you'd rather spend the time with Charlie.

But you don't even like football.

Well, I might if I understood it.

I thought you'd be happy to go with me.

Well, I am now that I know I'm going with you.

This will be my first game.

And you can explain everything to me.

Well, right now, let me go and explain this to Charlie.

I'll pick up some snacks.

Hey, man, I can't wait. This is going to be a great game.

They've got...

Two blimps!

I'll be right back.

Mary? Oh, honey, do you want chicken sandwiches or turkey sandwiches or both?

Look, Mary.

Yes, dear?

Bundle up. It gets cold in the stadium.

And forget about that picnic stuff.

Half the fun is eating the lousy food there.

Okay.

Hey, man, you ain't gonna believe this. Lester, we have seats on the 50 -yard

line. Well, that depends on who your we is.

What you mean?

Well, you see these tickets? Yeah.

Well, Mary was thinking she and I could go.

No. Yeah.

Crazy, huh?

Oh. I see.

Hey, Charlie, look. No, no, no. I understand the situation.

What situation? There's no situation here.

Hey, Mark.

A little woman's on the warpath, and you got a total lie.

That's not what's happening.

Oh, I can sympathize.

Give me a call when the smoke clears.

There is no smoke.

Well, I put the food away. I'm ready to go.

Oh, did Charlie leave? Yeah.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yeah, it's great.

Good, then let's go.

Oh, Lester, this is going to be so much fun.

Yeah.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hi,

y 'all.

What's the score?

Gay men start to get married.

Oh, good. We got time to be neighborly then.

My name is Mary, and this is my husband, Lester.

People don't come to football games to make friends.

We might as well be neighborly. We're going to be here for nine innings.

Great, great. We got one of those.

I get my sports mixed up.

This is the one with the quarters, right? That's right.

Honey.

Why don't they have cocktail waitresses on the field?

Mary, that's the red -skinned cheerleaders.

Well, child, if they don't put some more clothes on, they're going to be the

blue -skinned cheerleaders.

Mary, forget about the girls and concentrate on the game.

It hasn't started yet. It's about to. They're having a coin toss.

A coin toss?

Oh, is that how they decide who gets to do the beer commercial?

It's going to be a long afternoon.

Concession stand.

How much was it?

Uh, five bucks.

Five bucks for a finger?

Shoot, I used my own.

Okay, Mary, pay attention now. They're about to kick off. This is it.

That's that.

Cowboys ball on the 20 -yard line. First to ten.

What's first to ten?

Well, you see, it's very simple.

They get four chances to move the ball ten yards.

If they make the ten yards, then they get four more chances to make ten yards.

If they don't make ten yards by the third time, then they kick on the

Unless, of course, it's just inches to go.

Then they might go for it. Unless, of course, they're in field goal range,

they might go for the three -pointer.

You got it?

You go to school for this?

Way to go!

Yeah!

Cowboys not for no game, second and ten.

Be nice!

I want to get some peanuts.

Peanuts.

Peanuts.

Did you see that?

Don't you have any manners?

Do you throw your food around at home, Judge?

Hey, lady down in front, huh?

Come on.

Mary, that's the way they do it. He throws you the peanuts and you pass the

money back.

Pass the money to a perfect stranger? Yeah. No.

I'll take care of myself.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hey, buddy.

She's got to be your wife, right?

You wouldn't bring a date like that to the game.

Give her a chance. She'll get the hang of it. Does she have to?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

Third and five on the Dallas 47.

We got to stop them.

Defense!

Defense! Defense!

It's a blitz! It's a blitz! They got him!

White sacked by Krasinski back on the 26.

Dallas ball, fourth and 26. All right.

Aw.

Did you see that?

What?

All he had to do was knock him down. He didn't have to knock his hat off, too.

That was neat.

Damn right.

Because there's nobody his size.

They don't call him 747 for nothing.

Whose side are you on?

Oh, she's a Redskins fan, aren't you, Mary?

They keep playing like that, and I might change my mind.

Mary, we don't want to die at the Redskins game.

Ball on the dollars, 37, third, and eight.

Hey, buddy.

Your wife's been gone a long time.

Did she leave?

Oh, she went to get something to eat. She's coming back.

Oh. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Coming back.

She's coming back.

She's coming back.

She's back.

She's back.

She's back.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What took you so long?

Oh, I couldn't decide between the hamburgers and the hot dogs.

You know, you can't get these footlong hot dogs at the market.

Did I miss anything?

Middle of the fourth quarter. Cowboys just tied it up. Oh, great.

Go, Cowboys!

We're not the Cowboys, are we?

Hey, here comes a wave.

What's a wave?

Just do what I do.

Dallas 45.

Defense! Defense!

Defense! Defense! Defense!

Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense!

Defense!

Huh. If he crash -landed on me, I'd bad -mouth him, too.

Why don't you leave him alone and let him do his job?

Is his job killing people?

The man's an animal. He belongs in a cage.

Are you calling my baby boy an animal?

That's your son?

You gave birth to 740...

It's a disgrace.

He shouldn't be so rough.

I raised him rough. So what?

So what? You feed him raw meat?

Why would you like a knuckle sandwich to go with that hot dog? Come on, Mary,

let's go.

Why? Beat the trash.

You and your son are both belong in a kennel.

You have to talk to me.

I hate it when you grind your teeth like that.

Okay. Keep it up. You're going to chew up your chin.

Hello.

How was the game?

How was the game? It was only the most exciting game of the season.

The Redskins won in sudden death.

Well, that's wonderful, isn't it? It would have been wonderful if we'd been

there to see it. But I had to hear it on the car radio.

And why?

Because we had to leave before the game was over.

Otherwise, my wife was going to start World War III with the mother of one of

the greatest linebackers in the game today.

You mean 747?

Look, if you don't mind, Mary, I am going upstairs.

Bang on the wall till I get tired and then take a nap.

Bang on the wall till I get tired and then take a nap.

And how was your day?

It was a disaster.

Did you really try to start a fight?

I was just trying to have a pleasant afternoon with my husband.

Everybody got so uptight.

Even the hot dogs were barking at me.

Mary! You sure got home quick.

Wasn't the game great?

I just got through watching it with my friend Bo Miles.

He's such a big football fan.

But Sandra, that advice you gave Mary wasn't so hot.

She didn't have a good time at the game.

She's not supposed to have a good time.

She's just supposed to be with her man while he has a good time.

I was with my man.

My man wasn't too happy about it.

But you do, ma 'am.

What did I do? What didn't I do?

Everything I said was wrong.

Oh, I know I should have warned you.

When you go to the game with a man, and Lord knows there's no other reason to

go, you got to remember now, don't talk too much. And most of all, don't ask a

lot of dumb questions, ma 'am.

How am I supposed to learn if I don't ask questions?

There's nothing to learn at a football game. They're all the same.

All you got to do is drink beer, scream a lot when he does, and learn how to

say, all right, and defense, defense. You know, Mary?

Well, it's too late now.

Oh, Mary, there'll be other games. It's just a matter of getting the hang of it.

Well, I got to get to the store and get some refreshments for Beaumont.

It's time for our post -game activities.

How was your day?

Fine.

Dinner smells good.

It'll smell even better when I cook it.

Oh, I was thinking after dinner, maybe we could go to a movie.

It's Monday night.

You watch football on Monday night. I can miss a game.

You miss Monday night football?

It's no big thing. I can always watch Thursday night football.

And I thought you were trying to make up.

Well, I am. I'm sorry I came down on you so hard yesterday.

You were nice enough to get the ticket. And I shouldn't have blamed you for not

knowing anything about football.

Well, thank you for the invitation.

But you stay and watch the game. I have other plans for tonight.

What other plans?

Rose and I are going to the movies.

Oh, so you're not going to be here tonight?

I mean, oh, so you're not going to be here tonight?

You know, honey, I was thinking.

Just because we're married does not mean we have to be joined at the hip.

I realize that you need your space and I need mine.

I'll buy that.

So, if you and Charlie want to watch the football game, I will not stand in your

way.

Thanks, babe. I'll go call Charlie.

I've already done that. He's on the way over.

Well, thanks for being so understanding.

You're welcome.

I'll be waiting up for you after the fourth quarter.

Okay.

That is... Unless they go into overtime.

Oh.