Original subtitles

NANCY: Previously on Weeds.

SULLIVAN: Behold, the incorporated city of Majestic.

A city experiencing a rate of growth

few people could have anticipated.

Thank you, Mr. Groff. Sullivan.

Dumb name.

My name is Guillermo.

Tell your friend U-Turn, you tell him he's a lawn jockey now.

What the fuck is this? Your pot.

You were supposed to pick up a key of jack.

Heroin?

I'm gonna kill that bean-farting motherfucker.

Heroin?

Chop that shit up.

Bring me back $12,500.

How am I supposed to put food on my table if you keep upping my debt?

Get a fucking job.

You're a very beautiful woman.

I bet you look good rolling right out of bed in the morning.

You know, if I hire you, I'll be paying for the right to make comments like that.

You okay with that?

As long as you're okay with being shot down every time.

HEYLIA: Can you grow here?

Hell yeah, it's perfect.

Fucking shame it's all gonna be for U-Turn.

You let me worry about U-Turn.

You know, this community service thing is totally unsupervised.

I will never let you deal.

You don't have a choice. I know you don't.

SERGEANT: That is your battle buddy!

I can't wait to kill me some terrorists.

Are you kidding me?

This is gonna be great.

(LITTLE BOXES PLAYING)

ANDY: Okay, hold on. Now point the camera at my ass. Hurry.

I don't want to see your balls, man! Tuck them away!

All right. There. There. Fine. Ready? Okay.

ANDY: It's coming. And it's a good one. Here it comes.

RODRIGUEZ: Hey, what is that?

ANDY: And show time.

Wow. That was Rodriguez?

Yeah. And they fucking killed him.

For trying to light farts?

They don't need a reason, Doug.

It's Pat Tillman all over again.

I gotta forward this to my fraternity brothers.

Forward it to Lowell Bergman, all right? Forward it to Harry Reid.

Are they Beta Phi Omegas?

Okay, I love you.

And I thank you for the pants and the Chinese food

and, what, 70, 80 bucks that you got here.

But uninformed Doug, Doug of the disengaged electorate,

that Doug needs to remove himself from the room,

'cause I'm riding the edge here.

(PHONE RINGING)

Do you want me to answer it?

That's how they track you.

That's how they got Rodriguez.

(PHONE RINGING)

If you answer it, I could be a dead man.

Hello? MAN: Mr. Botwin.

He's not available right now. Who, may I ask, is calling?

MAN: You know who this is.

What? What?

(WHISPERS) Scary. Deep voice.

Very deep. Very scary.

You can't stay here.

They are going to kill you, Andy.

I sold Jesus a quarter ounce at the Fastmart.

He's a Mexican guy who's on road kill with me working off a DUI.

He loves the Lord, and he loves weed.

And so does his cousin Javier, who works in the kitchen at Amici's.

I only sold him a dime, but two of the delivery guys bought a half ounce each.

Got a free meatball sub. Does that happen to you a lot?

Free food? Not really.

Happened to me twice today.

Want some jerky?

Thank you, no.

After the sub, I drove back and checked in with my supervisor,

and he sent me to bingo.

Bingo.

At the retirement home, run by church volunteers and misdemeanor felons.

Three customers there.

Mr. Mertes.

You sell to Mertes?

Any cars follow you?

No.

You sold $2,000 in a day.

Impressive, huh?

Temporary. This is not a career path.

This is a family in crisis.

And I'm being the good son.

I'm assuming you burned through your client base.

Kind of.

Okay. I'll make some calls.

But if you sell to these people, you're not the good son.

You're some random punk who sells for me.

Pick an alias, work your deliveries around your community service.

Will do.

Give some jerky to your brother. He's mad at me.

Why this time?

I put him in Majestic summer school

to keep him off the streets, away from drugs.

I love that sound.

Hammer the nails, pour the cement down.

Good men are gonna raise their families here.

Of course, it's that kind of missionary zeal that's got us into this mess, isn't it?

We need these sewer lines.

We need these votes.

And the word around town says, "You get Doug Wilson's vote,

"the rest will follow."

That's beautiful.

I'm thinking a golf membership.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

BOB: Okay. Now, I know a lot of you are looking up at this board,

and you're thinking to yourselves, "Critical thinking?"

That sounds kind of square.

Sounds kind of wack.

Okay.

Who here can tell Bob what critical thinking means?

Anybody? Hit me.

"Critical thinking is the process of conceptualizing

"and analyzing information

"gathered from observation or communication

"as a guide to belief in action."

You got a name, friend?

Shane Botwin.

Dap?

Blow it up.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Shane Botwin, let me ask you a question.

Do you want to spend the next couple weeks

reading out of a textbook, or would you rather keep it real?

I guess keep it real.

Because I can assign you pages from the textbook,

and you can copy them into your notebooks,

regurgitate them later for a test.

I mean, I can do that if that's what you want.

Or

Maybe you and I can solve a murder.

ALL: Cool.

U-TURN: Two G's.

That's right.

The agreement was $12,500.

You breaking a social contract.

Well, I'm working with some new people.

It takes time.

Ten grand light. Usually get a nigga shot.

Good thing I'm white.

(DOOR OPENS VIOLENTLY)

U-Turn, I've been shot! I've been shot!

What the fuck happened?

I was getting the mail. Truck come by... Blam, blam, blam!

Shot in the ass!

Hi, Marvin.

Hi, Nancy.

You all two, go outside and start rousting niggas.

Find out who saw what.

Man, you think it was the Mexicans?

Cucaracha motherfuckers need to get stomped!

Fuck, man, you bleeding all over, man!

Put your hand over your ass, man!

Blot that shit, man! Blot it!

I need a doctor!

Man, you ain't getting on my leather seats with that ass.

No. No, no. No way.

(MARVIN CRYING)

These one of these hybrids? Yes.

How are you doing back there, Marvin?

Got a fucking bullet in my ass!

Take me to the hospital!

Are we sure this is the way to the hospital?

U-TURN: We ain't going to no motherfucking hospital.

Charge you 50 bucks for an aspirin,

treat you like shit if you don't have insurance.

Make a right.

We got our own guy. Dr. Tupelo. He don't ask no questions.

And he real good at taking bullets out of people.

Lovely. Can't wait to meet him.

Marvin, what's the gang sign for those Tres Seis bitches?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Make a right.

Who's Tres Seis?

The Three Sixes.

Guillermo's crew.

Little bitch is all moody because he thinks I jacked his horse.

You did.

That don't give him permission to shoot you in your ass!

That motherfucker gonna get his.

You don't mean "horse" like, like... Horse like "neigh?"

Don't play that doe-eye cute shit with me. I know you know better.

(MARVIN GROANING)

Honey, it's going to be okay.

You buy or lease this car?

I bought.

How much? I don't really recall right now!

There's a man bleeding in my backseat!

I have to pick up my son from summer school!

Here, make another right.

(PHONE RINGING)

I have to get this. Hello?

SULLIVAN: Hey, I just want to make sure those packets went out this morning.

Yeah, absolutely.

Liar!

Who's that?

Who the fuck is you, nigga?

Sorry, I'm losing you. Bye!

Make another right and slow down.

Okay, now we're driving in a circle.

Yeah, but we're about to go straight in a second.

Yeah, motherfucker!

(U-TURN LAUGHING)

(GUNS FIRING)

Drive, bitch, drive!

We need these sewer lines.

We need these votes.

And the word around town says,

"You get Celia Hodes' vote, the rest will follow."

I hear Doug Wilson is getting a golf membership.

I love a woman who does her homework.

Would you like a golf membership, too?

I don't play golf.

Well...

What is it you do play, Celia?

I play house.

(NANCY HONKING)

Hey, sweetie.

How was your first day?

Mostly sucky.

Only mostly?

Hello. You must be Shane's mother.

Hi. Yeah, hi.

Eve Meriweather, education coordinator.

Well, Shane had a fabulous first day.

Bob really took a shine to him.

Bob. That's great.

What happened to the backseat?

Mom spilled some coffee.

And this is for you. It's just some forms and permission slips.

It covers everything you'll need to know

about the Absolute Truth Ministries campus.

We got some super-great programs, prayer-power meetings.

And not just for Shane, but for the whole family.

You're a Jewish, right?

Um.

No. I'm not.

Shane's father was a Jewish.

Did he pass?

Most people thought he was Italian.

Yes! Yes, he's no longer with us! Yes.

I'm so sorry. Losing your husband. I just can't imagine.

Yeah.

Well, God bless you. Are these shell casings?

Eve, in a rush! Gotta go. Gotta make dinner.

NANCY: Buckle up, honey.

EVE: All right. See you. Bye!

JANE: So, when you cast your vote tonight,

rubber-stamping another environmental holocaust in the name of urban renewal,

I want you to remember the San Acitos dirt shrew.

How could we forget him?

Their beauty was here long before we were.

This sewer is soaked in their blood.

Thank you, Jane Chaffin,

founder, president, and sole member of the Agrestic Eco-Warriors.

Your passion humbles us.

And that concludes the public debate on Motion 412,

the proposal to expand the sewer

and water reclamation systems of Greater Agrestic.

Let's do this.

All of those...

All in favor of more pipe, say "aye."

ALL: Aye. DOUG: Aye.

Aye.

The ayes have it. Moment of silence for the dirt shrew.

The motion is passed.

What the fuck did you get?

House still for sale?

Andy?

Andy's dead. I'm Bill. Bill Sussman. Here's your mail.

How's the army?

They killed Rodriguez.

Yeah, well, I think I killed a Hernandez.

That's a wig.

Yeah, that's all they had at Rite Aid.

Mostly wigs for black women.

Are these bullet holes back here?

What? Oh, those.

I was in a drive-by shooting yesterday.

I was driving the car. This car.

I may be a murderer. Murderess.

Actually, I think we only clipped him, you know, hit him in the leg.

Hit who in the leg?

One of the Mexicans. Tres Seis. They shot Marvin.

Who's Marvin?

I'm scrubbing his blood out of the backseat.

It won't come out. I tried everything! Nothing works!

Are you okay?

Actually, Andy... Bill Sussman.

I think I am okay.

I mean, stuff keeps piling on, piling on, piling on.

And while tomorrow is another day,

I'm pretty sure something even more heinous is gonna happen to me,

because that just seems to be the way it rolls!

I really think I'm finding myself.

Look at my hand. Nerves of steel.

Pretty steady.

That's what I'm talking about.

Well, this is all good.

Meanwhile, a reconnaissance drone killed my battle buddy,

and I'm going to die. I know too much.

I was hoping for a shower, maybe a little nap.

Um...

But you obviously are having a slow psychotic breakdown,

so I'll just ask, do you have any money?

(PANTING)

No, I don't.

(CHUCKLES)

I have a backseat full of blood.

I have two license plates I may have to remove.

I have an assistant's job that a monkey could do.

I have a death wish.

You're welcome to any of those sparkly gems.

But as far as money goes, Bill,

everything that comes in goes out.

I'm gonna go now.

I like this new you.

(CHUCKLES)

She's a winner.

Tell the kids I miss them.

You betcha.

(CROW CAWING)

Where you hear that?

You sure about that? That's good news.

Cool.

And?

Gunfire in the streets.

Brown fighting black, black fighting brown,

all on account of somebody went and shot Marvin in the ass.

Something about a Mexican in a tinted truck

driving up, and pop, pop, pop. Right in Marvin's ass.

That's one big ass.

Maybe if that Mexican had better aim, he wouldn't have needed three shots.

Maybe if he hadn't used his antique snub-nose piece of shit, you'd be right.

Hmm.

Still, war is on.

War is on.

More males?

I think that's the last of them.

Now, why are you doing that?

Gotta separate the males from the females,

or they'll fuck up the whole crop.

How you know they males? They got little plant dicks?

No dicks, just sacks.

Plants looking good in there.

HEYLIA: That's 'cause it's a roomful of women.

Stepping up.

And we're sitting out there like lambs.

And Rodriguez, he's got the cell phone up in his hands,

just like that, and that's when it struck.

Right in the chest, into his heart. Tell them.

What did he say?

He says, "Wow. Shocking."

Shocking, shocking.

A naive kid, a great kid, who only wanted to serve his country.

My battle buddy. And shit like this, these accidents going on all the time.

And we sit here wrapped in our blanket of apathy,

eating our vindaloo, watching Dancing with the Stars,

and we don't wanna know about it.

"No way. That stuff happens over there."

But you...

You tell that to Rodriguez. Tell it to his fucking corpse.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Hey, Mom. Hey, you.

Got a lot of calls from clients today.

Yeah?

People seem to like the new guy. Judah.

Tip of the hat to the old man.

We're gonna need more product soon.

I'm having homework issues.

Come here, let me see.

"The day after prom,

"a murder has taken place and blood has been found.

"Principal Paul calls up detective Dan to investigate."

It's like an episode of CSI.

I have to use my powers of critical thinking to solve a murder.

Who's that? That's Kyle.

He disappeared right after the murder.

This is Jill.

Her blood matches the blood found at the crime scene.

And this is Mia, the cheerleader.

Kyle promised to take her to the prom, then dumped her hard.

Jealous Mia murdered Jill.

That's what I thought, too.

So what's the problem?

Every day, we get new clues, and today we got this one.

"Two days later, Jill arrived at school."

I thought Jill was murdered. That's bogus.

No body, no murder.

It doesn't add up.

W-W-V-M-D.

W-W-V...

What would Vic Mackey do?

He'd plant evidence and coerce a confession.

Okay, but what's Detective Dan gonna do?

Drink myself into a stupor, then sleep with my prostitute/informer.

(SILAS CHUCKLES)

No more cable for you.

Mr. Botwin.

This is my lawyer, Dean Hodes.

Gentlemen, we called this meeting because my client's tired of running.

We don't care. Go fuck yourself.

You're in possession of US military hardware, Mr. Botwin.

Where's the phone?

My client neither confirms nor denies...

Shut up. Suck yourself.

I'm setting in front of you documents which, when signed,

will honorably discharge you from the United States Army Reserves.

You're the drone guy, right?

Lawyer for the contractor?

Your machine killed Rodriguez.

You forced him out in the field.

We were gonna strap that cell phone to a fucking mule

till we found your two sorry asses.

And then we figured, why waste a good mule?

Private Rodriguez died a hero. Sign the documents, Mr. Botwin.

I'll need to look these over.

There's no time to look over anything, Mr. Hodes.

Suck yourself.

You see that window washer outside, cleaning the windows, Mr. Botwin?

Notice anything unusual?

I don't know. Should I?

He's a white guy?

Actually, he's a Lithuanian.

And that squeegee he's holding is a remote,

currently erasing your hard drive, Mr. Wilson.

Would you confirm that for me?

Whoa.

That's because that window washer is not a window washer.

He works for us.

And that janitor in the hallway, he works for us, too.

Turn on your vacuum, Ivan.

(VACUUM WHIRRING)

Turn it off.

(VACUUM STOPS)

Turn it on.

Turn it off.

Two vans in the parking lot, helicopters.

You're fucking surrounded, dipshit.

And we can make you disappear faster than a mule can shit itself.

What's with him and the mules?

Do you think we're fucking around here?

You return our property pronto, dickhead!

(GROANING) Give him the phone.

Give him the phone, Doug!

Doug.

(COUGHING)

What am I signing here?

You're not signing anything. You're not here right now.

You were never at Fort Irwin,

and the only man named Rodriguez you know is some asshole in the Yankees

who thinks he's better than Graig Nettles.

Suck yourself.

Okay, you have walked the crime scene.

You've interrogated your suspects.

You've gathered your evidence.

Which one of you is ready to put your critical mind to the ultimate test?

Who here has solved the strange case of Cordull High?

Crimes are solved by hard evidence.

Blood samples point to Kyle and Jill,

but since both of them showed up at school later,

there can be only one solution.

There was no murder.

But there was. A murder of the worst kind.

For, you see, Jill had an abortion.

(ALL GASPING)

NANCY: It's horrible, it's disgusting,

but I have no place else to put you.

You're just gonna have to fake it for a bit.

Hey, Mom.

What's up, Nance?

What are you doing here?

Just dropping off some business,

getting a rundown on the operation.

Meeting the family.

Uncle Andy's back.

And he has a bag of ice on his balls.

What's up, little man?

Hey.

Shane, go in the house with your brother.

U-TURN: Listen to your mother, Shane.

She's a gangster. She'll keep you straight.

U-Turn, why don't you and I have a little walk and talk?

You can't come to my house.

You're not welcome here.

Come on, girl, we tight, you and me.

I'm not fucking kidding.

Save it.

I was just dropping off some bricks for your boy.

And I left you a package in the garage.

I need you to hold onto it for a spell, that's all.

Things are starting to heat up over the hill.

You bought a Prius?

(U-TURN CHUCKLES)

I bought seven of them.

I got my whole crew driving them.

They're real quiet. Good for sneaking up on motherfuckers.

(PHONE RINGING)

Check this out. Hands-free.

What up, doe?

CLINIQUE: Where you at, U-Turn? You late.

Your bitch ass gonna have to wait. I got business going on. Fuck you.

See the shit I'm surrounded by?

That's why I need more bitches like you, Nancy.

Oh!

And you could use this.

Watch it tonight.

Heroin.