Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Everyone's asking, what is a squeeze play?

Let me make it simple.

We have a man on first base, one on third.

We have a second baseman here, the pitcher's here... now wait

a minute, let's... just look.

Let's start again here.

[MUSIC THE EDSELS, "RAMA LAMA DING DONG"]

Hi, there.

NARRATOR: What happens when a guy takes

his best gal out for a date after his big win

on the softball field?

Safe!

You're going to play softball.

You're gonna be cubbed, and you're

gonna leave me alone in the house, just like the others.

Well, let me tell you something.

I hate softball!

NARRATOR: What happens when a suave young mattress

worker meets a sweet southern belle,

and takes her on a ride to love?

[SCREAMING]

What happens when the town's number

one stud prepares for the biggest conquest of his career?

What happens?

'Squeeze Play!' The movie that everyone's calling

the funniest film since 'Animal House' and 'Meatballs.'

Believe me, I've tried everything.

To mints in one, cling-free fabric softener,

even a disposable douche.

When it comes to their softball, nothing works.

Look, what if a woman made the factory team?

Make the Beavers!

I just like to play with you.

Don't you like playing with me?

Look, will you face it once and for all.

Softball is a man's game.

NARRATOR: So the girls decided to take

matters in their own hands.

You forgot your kiss goodbye.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Don't miss the fun when the Springtown

Beaverettes get into shape to play

the world's number one sport.

'Squeeze Play!' The World Series of laughs.

It's about courage...

Hey, has anyone seen my jock?

Hey, I had to play the whole game without it,

and God, my gonads are gone.

NARRATOR:... wisdom...

Let your tits do the talking, sis.

NARRATOR:... personal crisis...

Goddammit...

NARRATOR:... sophistication...

Wow!

NARRATOR:... romance...

Next time keep your [MUTED] hands in your pants!

NARRATOR: But most of all, good, clean sportsmanship.

It's a story bigger than life itself,

but personal and intimate enough to touch each of us.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Keep your dirty mouth off my husband's balls!

NARRATOR: So come on in.

'Squeeze Play!' has something for everybody.

So don't be left behind.

Do it.

OK, I'll do it!

I'm doing it!

Please do it...

NARRATOR: Do what the whole country is doing.

Get a date, get a hit, and go see 'Squeeze Play!' Pick

the winner.

Have a ball.

Don't miss 'Squeeze Play!' coming soon.

See it with someone you love.

Samantha, I love you.

NARRATOR: Or see it with someone you want to love.

Oh, Fred.

...a real woman!

NARRATOR: 'Squeeze Play!' It's the World Series of laughs.

The New York Daily News calls 'Squeeze Play!' a saucy,

spicy, rollicking comedy.

Softball Power Magazine says, 'Squeeze Play!' is seven

innings of 'Animal House' and 'Meatballs' in the wildest

softball game of the year.

Rated R.

NARRATOR: 'Squeeze Play!'

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: There are 10,000 stories in the big city.

This isn't one of them.

Now this is the story of Springtown, New Jersey, where

the residents only know New York exits when

they look across the river, or when

the wind blows the wrong way.

Today there's only one thing that interests

this sturdy breed...

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR:... and that's softball.

Oh, I gotta go.

Mrs. Smith, I've got to go. -What?

I gotta go.

You've got to get off... what about me?

Sorry, honey, it's a big game.

Well, it's just a couple more minutes.

They can wait.

Wes!

I'll see you at the game, honey?

-Yeah. -Love you.

Yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I am sick and tired of asking [INAUDIBLE] doggone softball,

you hear me?

That's right, uh huh.

I told you you couldn't make chicken

salad out of chicken shit.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Where are you going, Tom?

Hold this baby.

I'm tired of you...

Yes, baby, I know. OK.

No, you're not.

You said you were going to finish that sink.

Tomorrow.

It's been six weeks since you started it!

I'll do it tomorrow.

I don't blame you for crying.

Your father's a bum.

Tom, you forgot your kiss goodbye!

Hey, you guys.

What do you think, turkeys?

You like the new suit?

Hey, come on, Freddy, come on.

Hey, I'm coming, I'm coming.

It's a bannered day for Springtown athletic supporters.

Let me set it up for you, folks.

Batter up.

This is it, the big one, the Rockview Animals

versus the Springtown Beavers, for the highly-coveted Mattress

Workers Softball League Championship,

the granddaddy of them all.

Strike one.

They say you're not supposed to have a scoreless tie

in a regulation softball game.

They say you're not supposed to go into extra innings

beyond the regulation seven.

They say that falling in love is wonderful.

They say a lot of things.

But they are not here today.

So you can understand why the hometown

fans are a little upset with their own scoreless Beavers.

Oh, boy, John.

[BABY CRYING]

The Beavers have two outs.

Wes is on third, Alan is on first, and Fred Smudge is up.

Up, there's a signal.

The pitcher picks it up.

The Beavers are on to it.

Something's up, folks.

I think it might be... yes, folks,

we're on to a squeeze play.

And the crowd senses it too.

The tension is tremendous.

Why, you could almost hear a pin drop.

Yay, Freddie, yeah!

NARRATOR: Well, now that we have a moment of silence...

Thank you... let me fill you in on the fundamental basics

of a squeeze play.

It may seem a bit complicated to the uninitiated,

but actually it's quite simple.

First you have a man on home plate,

a man here on the pitcher's mound, a man at shortstop,

and a man on third.

Now wait a minute, that's [INAUDIBLE].

This man, the pitcher should be at short... no, that's not it.

Now wait a minute... This man should be... Up,

it's a bunt, folks.

It's the opening gamble to a classic squeeze play.

Safe!

He's safe, he's safe.

[CHEERING]

Beautiful squeeze play, folks.

Yes, Cunningham is surely the hero of the day.

When Springtown hits its mattresses tonight,

Cunningham's name will doubtless be

on every pair of sleepy lips.

Ow!

What's the matter you?

Ow!

Jesus, what's the matter with you, man?

I think you broke my hand!

Oh, what happened, Wessy, did you hurt you hand, huh?

You know you hurt my hand, you big jerk-off!

Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it?

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I'll tell you right now, you fat slob,

what I'm going to do to you?

Oh yeah, fairy finger?

What are you going to do about it, huh?

You're always calling me a fairy and stuff.

What's the matter with you?

[INAUDIBLE] so what?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What's the matter, Bozo?

Can't you take a joke?

We're friends... oh, wait a minute.

I've got something for you right here.

Look... look at this... Look what I've got for you.

And [INAUDIBLE] because you're my friend... oh, you're so cute.

What's the matter with him?

I hit him, he gives me a bat.

Oh, yeah, Bozo?

Yeah, what's that?

Suck on this.

[GRUNTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

Honey, that's the worst thing that ever happened to you.

Oh, no, Wes and I have worked it out.

He's going to quit.

Huh?

Wes is a different kind of guy.

He wouldn't do that.

Hey, has anyone seen my jock?

Hey, I had to play the whole game without it and God,

my gonads are gone.

Where is it?

Hey, [INAUDIBLE] your ass. [INAUDIBLE].

Hey, knock it off.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Have you seen my... oh, ow.

Has anyone seen my jock strap?

Keep slipping, you'll find it.

Here's the beer, champ.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I'm sorry.

Come on, man.

You always have to get in the way.

No, just stay away.

Hey, Wes.

That was a great game.

Thanks a lot, Pop.

No, it's all right.

Think nothing of it.

You guys are number one.

Pop!

Man, you are one stupid geezer.

How're you doing there, [INAUDIBLE]?

I've just gotten off the telephone with Mr. Van Hooten.

And he has authorized me on behalf of the entire company,

to congratulate you Beavers, and especially your team

captain, Mr. Wes Cunningham...

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

...on another hard fart...

[LAUGHING]

...I mean, hard fought victory.

He just wants you to know that we're all very proud.

Now if you could all bow your heads

just for a moment of silence...

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

This isn't right!

There's a regulation [INAUDIBLE].

I'm an officer of the corporation,

and... hey, my suit, my suit!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wes Cunningham, the dry luck.

Hey, Mr. Macho Balls, what took you so long coming

down the line today, huh? -You kidding?

That's the fastest he's ever left the sack.

Hey Wes, you gonna grab a brew from [INAUDIBLE]?

No man, I've got some things to do.

Hey, you guys don't know?

Everything's gotta be cleared with Samantha.

Oh, bullshit.

Captain's supposed to drink with his team, Wessy.

Hey, you can take her along, Wes.

Oh what, expose her to us crudo types?

Contaminate the princess?

The only thing you assholes contaminate

are your right hands.

Hey, I'm left handed.

Let me tell you guys something.

This one guy who doesn't let no female woman

of the opposite sex push him around, man.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, shit.

[LAUGHING]

Dammit, I've had enough of you guys!

Now listen carefully, Jamie.

Now you try to keep your tongue out of the way.

And you suck in real hard.

Don't make any noise.

Go ahead, try it.

Ah, Samantha.

Jamie, that was good.

Now listen, if he gives you a hickie,

here's how you get rid of it.

You take it a comb, right?

And you comb right across like this, OK?

That'll make it go away.

Samantha, this is stupid.

He never even touched me.

Fred doesn't even know I'm alive.

Jamie, I know.

Why don't you accidentally bump into him?

You know, like this.

What?

Let your tits do the talking, sis.

Listen, toilet mouth, if you don't shut up,

I'm going to tell Ma about those magazines

I found under your bed.

Ah, Samantha, I don't want Fred to love me for my you know.

I know, I know.

You've got a mind too.

But what's bigger?

Samantha!

Here comes your fiancee.

I better go.

See ya.

Well, take care.

Hi, breast.

Hi-ya, sailor.

New in town?

Yeah, I'll meet you on the docks in an hour.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, I want to drive.

Sure, all right.

Who you grabbing at, Samantha?

I'm not that kind of guy.

What'd you do, bring on your Louisville Slugger?

Hey, why don't you choke up on it

and see if it gets you to first base?

Come on, man.

What the hell are you doing, Jack?

Hey, listen man, I'll meet you at the [INAUDIBLE].

Here, have some napkins.

You dropped your beer.

See you later, OK?

Hey, what about some women?

Hey, don't worry about the pootang, you know?

We're going to be swimming in it.

Hi Fred, hi.

I've got something for you.

What is that, Jamie?

Here.

Uh...

Here, Fred.

Uh... I don't use any of this stuff, Jamie, hey.

I've got something for you.

It's right here.

It's all right.

Jamie, I'll...

Here it is.

You dropped this this morning.

I washed it for you.

Oh... no, that's not mine.

Yeah, because it's too big.

Ah...

See you tonight, maybe?

My best suit!

NARRATOR: Meanwhile in another part of town,

an event's taking place in the exciting world of high fashion,

may forever change the course of Springtown history.

And you're sure I'm going to look just like Farrah Fawcett?

Yes, ma'am.

Our work is guaranteed.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Oh... oh, a new me.

[PHONE RINGING]

Fantasy Street.

Don't yell at me, lady.

Your hair will grow back fine.

It's a nice place you've got here.

You the proprietor?

I'm the proprietor, yeah.

What can I do for you?

You making fun of me?

No, I'm not making fun of you.

Oh, well, in that case, here's my card.

Oh, Mr. Cock, huh?

What do you want, Mr. Cock?

That's Coch.

You seen this tomato?

You a cop, Mr. Cock?

Private Dick, and that's Coch.

Private Dish?

That's Dick.

Dick Cock.

Dick Coch.

Sam... Sam Coch... Coch!

Look, you seen her or ain't you?

I've got your card.

I'll keep a watch, Mr. Coch.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

[GASPING]

Mary Lou, it's not time for your break yet, is it?

I don't feel so good.

Well, you feel fine to me.

There was just someone here asking for you.

Um, what'd you tell them?

Tell him?

Well, Mary Lou, I wouldn't tell him anything

without talking to you first.

Thank you, Monsieur Pierre.

No.

Now I don't know what that man wanted,

and frankly I don't care.

Just so long as you play ball with me,

I think we'll just get along fine.

Gee, Monseiur Pierre, you know?

I haven't played ball in a while.

Is that right?

No, not since I left Georgia.

But I still think I know exactly where they are.

[SCREAMING] Oh, my hair!

Keep your filthy hands off me, [INAUDIBLE].

Hurry, call the Fire Department.

Mary Lou, look at my hair!

Look at my hair!

Mary Lou, look what you did!

Look what you've done to my hair!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, watch this.

I have [INAUDIBLE].

Whoah.

Hey, get out of here before I break your face.

I'm going, I'm going.

Bye.

He's going to break my face.

Oh Maureen, she really cracks me up.

She's so cynical.

She thinks that you are going to be playing softball next year.

I say, no way.

I mean, you know how much it would hurt me.

Great game today.

Gonna do even better next year, right baby?

Hey, come on, babe.

So I tell her, it's absolutely untrue,

because of our agreement about how after we're married,

no more softball, no more of this [INAUDIBLE].

Just... -Hey, Wes!

Hey Wes.

Wes, they think we were great this year.

Wait until they see us next year.

Oh...

-Captain, next year. -Later, Doc.

Next year, you'll...

Isn't that Doc Evans?

Yeah, man, am I thirsty.

Anyway, I mean, our relationship

is based on love and trust.

And I would think that we would...

Wes, quick question, quick question...

Well, later Godfrey, OK?

Bus company, they want a deposit for next season.

What should I tell them?

Well, why are you asking Wes?

Next year's captain has got to decide.

Wes?

Godfrey, can we talk about this later?

Just what does that mean, next year's captain?

Isn't that great, honey? Isn't it...

You're going to play softball.

You're going to be captain.

You're going to leave me alone in the house,

just like the others.

Well, let me tell you something. I hate soap operas!

Samantha, will you calm down, please?

Don't you tell me to calm down, Wes.

You broke your promise to me!

I know, baby.

I'm sorry, but I was going to tell you, I swear it.

Listen, it's just not fair, you know?

I'm their captain, I'm a hero.

I couldn't quit.

Look, you're going to be married to me, not them.

Honey, listen, you know I'll get old.

I can't play forever.

Oh yeah?

So what do I do, wait around until you're 65,

and I'll have you all to myself?

So?

And listen, no one said you couldn't be a part of it.

All you had to do was go out there and try out for yourself.

Sure, Wes, right, sure!

Does your mommy know you're out?

So honey, I think you're just a little bit jealous of the time

we men spend together.

Leave me alone.

Honey, I love you.

What about all the children and silverware we're going to have,

huh?

Wes, this is you, the way you're being right now.

I hate the way you are when you're

with those grab-assing baboons.

All right, they're young.

But they'll settle down.

They're the ones who are jealous, you know?

They don't want you to love me.

Look, we'll teach them about love, huh, together.

I don't care how big it is.

I won't put it in my mouth.

NARRATOR: And so with a little fast talking,

Wes lifts his fiancee up to the heady heights

of starry-eyed lovers everywhere,

and convinces her to join in the post-game revelry

at the local bistro.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Hey Wes, we're number one!

NARRATOR: Meanwhile Mary Lou makes

her traveling arrangements.

She's going on a ride that will take her where no Southern

belle has ever been before.

[INAUDIBLE].

Oh yeah, sure.

We were just going to...

-Pull in here. -Yeah.

And maybe we'll, uh...

Have a drink.

Yeah.

Fuck you.

Goddammit, man.

Why [INAUDIBLE]?

I bet you this doesn't have [INAUDIBLE].

Billy's waiting for me in the car.

Shit!

I hope it's not too late.

Let me see, I am going to need polish

and Chantilly silverware.

The rest of my life, he is crazy.

Who was the last man who rang your bell?

I'm telling you, all men are jerks!

Well, maybe some.

But when I was a little girl, my daddy... my daddy would come

over, and he would take his...

All daddies are jerks.

Well, Chris, you know...

Come on, let's go.

...my daddy's not a jerk.

What does [INAUDIBLE]?

I'll get you some food.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Hey [INAUDIBLE], what's that between your legs?

Oh, it's nothing but Jimmy's head!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Cupid's arrow often goes astray,

and who's to say a Georgia peach shouldn't fall in love

with a popcorn-stuffed buffoon?

Hey.

[CHEERING]

If you think that's bad, last week a girl had to walk

out of here in a table cloth.

It's like Sodom and Gonorrhea.

What on Earth gives him the right?

Softball.

In this town, softball's the big deal.

When the guys win, they think they own the world.

Softball.

Lord almighty, I'd like to soften their... [SHRIEKING]

NARRATOR: And Samantha begins to realize that her new friend's

pitching talent may be the answer

to the dilemma faced by Springtown's female population.

Nothing works.

Jamie, do you play softball?

What?

Look, this is Mary Lou.

She was GWSL champ three times in a row.

What?

What she means is that I played with the Georgia

Women's Softball League for three years, all star.

What?

Look, what if a woman made the factory team, made the Beavers?

What... don't you see?

A woman playing league is already happening

in the little leagues.

What?

Look, if the guys had to play with the female Beavers,

let us all enter that part of their lives.

Great, Sam.

And after the game, we can sit around polishing their bats

and talking about pop-offs.

Uh-uh, not me.

That wouldn't be so bad.

Fred would have the shiniest bat on the team.

At least we'd be talking.

Teach them some respect, that's what.

That's for sure.

You bet.

Sam, they'll never give her a try out,

never, never in a million...

You let me handle that.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Let's go up to my place.

I've got a surprise for you.

Well, Samantha, I'm comfortable.

Let's just stay in my place...

No, come on.

Oh, OK, OK, I'm coming.

Come on, Wes.

Watch the stair, Sam, would you?

No, come on.

I want you to hurry.

You know, if my bath hadn't overflowed into your dinner

table, we may never have met.

Oh, it's been a real pleasure living under you, Sam.

I've now had the ultimate experience of spaghetti

with Palmolive sauce.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BURPING]

Wes, you've made a mess.

Let me clean it up.

[GRUNTING]

Samantha?

Wes, you may not know this, but you really turned me

on this afternoon, when you won the game

in that magnificent play.

Oh, you mean the squeeze play.

Squeeze play, what a cute name.

You know, I know so little about these things.

Oh, yeah?

Teach me, Wes.

Please teach me.

Sure.

Oh, very... squeeze play.

Talk to me with your mouth, not your hands.

Samantha, [INAUDIBLE] like a... a... a yo-yo.

You on the floor in that sweatsuit t-shirt,

clinging to those rippling muscles,

I could hardly wait to dig my nails under that hairy chest.

[GRUNTING]

[MOANING]

Mm, yeah.

Now, how did that squeeze play go?

Well, you see, you've got to have a man on third...

Oh, my favorite base.

Yeah.

Yeah, and the batter gets up there,

and lays down a big bunt.

And the runner gets squeezed home.

And then he...

Scores!

[MOANING]

Samantha, I've never seen you like this before.

Oh, but Wes, softball is so sexy.

I mean, with all those oily gloves, and long flies.

Oh, wait... wait a minute, wait a minute... what are you up to,

Samantha?

Why, nothing, Wes.

I just like to play with you.

Don't you like to play with me?

Oh, of course, baby.

I love you.

Now I've heard that some of your friends

don't like to play with us girls?

Well, see, I can't answer for them, because...

I've heard they play softball to get away women.

Oh, I love women.

Let me prove it.

Oh, whoa, yeah.

Think you can handle something new, iron thighs?

[GRUNTING] Oh, anything.

Oh, anything, baby.

I've got an open mind.

Oh shit!

I'm so glad you said that.

I mean about having an open mind.

Because if there was a woman good enough,

you'd play her on the team, right?

On my team?

Right?

[GRUNTING] Sure, [INAUDIBLE].

What was that, babykins.

I said, sure, if she was good enough

and didn't mind showering with the guys. [INAUDIBLE]

Come on, Wes.

You're man enough.

Give a girl a trial.

Come on, you can do it.

Give her a try. -Oh...

Do it, stud.

Oh, do it?

Do it, Wes.

Do it, do it.

OK, I'll do it!

I love you.

Oh... Sam?

Oh, Sam.

Samantha.

Actually it was Samantha [INAUDIBLE].

Uh-huh.

Oh, come on, guys, ease up, huh?

I already told you, I was in a very, very vulnerable position.

What position was that?

His girlfriend's got him pussy-whipped.

Are you sure this is what you wanted?

Yeah, it's just the way I like it.

Wes invites his team mates to an impeccably catered gourmet

luncheon, in order to convince them to give Mary Lou a trial.

What're you guys so up tight about anyway, huh?

So we go ahead, we give this broad a try out, and...

And she fails.

Right.

But what if she's good?

Maybe she can play.

Why the hell is Beasley taking so long with her?

Oh, keep your armpits dry.

I mean, suppose Beasley gives Mary Lou a job.

And suppose Mary Lou gets a try out.

And suppose she's really terrific,

and even makes the team.

So what?

I'm not sure.

But do you see the way they act around women?

Yeah, they'd be better off picking their noses

and smiling.

You know, I don't want to ruin softball for them.

I just want them to loosen up a little bit.

Do you think I'm being a bitch?

Honey, believe me, I've tried everything.

Two mints in one, cling-free fabric softener,

even a disposable douche... When it comes to their softball,

nothing works.

Thanks very much, Mr. Beasley.

Here they come.

Hey, can you shut up?

I'm trying to work here.

Oh, go get bent, huh?

Oh, um, Ms. Howard?

Yes?

Would you have one of the girls show

Ms. Whatley around the factory?

She's going to join our Mary Mattress family.

Good luck, Ms. Whatley.

Ah, thank you very much, Mr. Beasley.

Great going.

Phase one is completed.

Now, the try outs.

Samantha, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

You mean, you're not going to let us down, are you, Mary Lou?

No.

Good.

Jamie?

Hi.

Hey, you remember Mary Lou, right?

Yeah.

Uh, listen... uh, she's going to be working with us.

Would you show her around, please.

Uh-huh.

Great, I've got lots to do, OK?

Bye bye.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Pigs in the chicken coop, you put me down!

Look, it's the only way that I could get you alone, Mary Lou.

You know my name.

Yeah, I kind of asked around.

You did?

Yeah.

And I wanted to apologize for the other night.

I mean, the thing that happened about the squeeze...

I mean the grab... I mean the pulling of your... I mean,

the thing that happened to [INAUDIBLE] the thing...

NARRATOR: And so Buddy sweeps Mary Lou off her feet,

taking advantage of his goodness and silky smooth talking style.

I don't want to embarrass you like that, I swear to God.

And that's the reason... That's the reason that I wanted

to tell you about this, is because that's

the reason that I'm here, is what I want to tell you.

Will you please put me down?

No, not until you say hi to me, and you promise to go

to the beach with me Saturday.

OK.

OK?

[CHEERING]

[SCREAMING]

[YELLING]

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, are you OK?

[MOANING]

Huh?

Are you sure you're OK? -Oh, yeah.

Can I get you an aspirin or something,

uh... I'm sorry about the break.

Oh... oh, that's OK, Buddy.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, you know my name too.

Oh, yeah.

I kind of asked around.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I could follow you from here to eternity.

What... don't... what the... what kind of girl do you think I am?

You keep your hands... Oh... oh, ah... [SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

I'm sorry.

OK.

Hey Wes!

[INAUDIBLE]?

I'm caught.

You don't understand, you'll get hurt!

That's enough.

Mary Lou, you're driving me crazy.

Come on.

Ah, Buddy, it's my father.

He gets jealous.

Your father?

Yeah.

He don't like me seeing fellas.

Mary Lou, that's a... that's a little weird.

I mean, come on.

I know.

But Henry McAllister...

Who's Henry McAllistint?

McAllister.

Now don't you start getting jealous.

All honesty, Buddy, he's not a thing like you.

Sure?

Yeah.

Hey Buddy!

How're your balls, huh?

I bet they're like this now!

[SPLASHING]

[GIGGLING]

Give them hell, Mary Lou!

Come on!

You can't go through with this?

I don't see why not.

Mary Lou, they're going to eat you lunch out there.

Time out, time out.

I have a [INAUDIBLE] in my sock.

I hear she's got a good move with a man on.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, you guys!

Now wipe your feet before you touch home plate.

You know, I just cleaned it up.

(ALL TOGETHER) That's funny, Fred.

And remember, girls, there's certain times of the month

we can't play ball at all.

Hey, why is that, you guys?

[YELLING]

Don't do this, OK?

Why not?

Because you'll get hurt.

[CHEERING]

Hey, if you guys think you're through getting me in trouble,

you think maybe we could go ahead with this try out?

Whoo, oh.

Can't talk fast.

Here you go, putz.

Good job.

Do it, Mary Lou!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

[INAUDIBLE]

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

That girl's a pro.

I could work with her.

Time out, come on, time out.

Come on, get in here, you guys.

Time out. Let's go.

You've got to give us some advice of what we gotta do.

Look, Wes is one of our best hitters, right, you know?

And he's a pitcher, he knows what to expect.

When you come through, really, you

know, you know, rig the balls.

Just stick it.

[YELLING]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[INAUDIBLE]!

That's a turkey.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Nip it.

[CHEERING]

-Whip it out. -Hey, Fred.

Come on, man, you can do it.

What're you doing?

Hey, hey!

Whoah!

Hey!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I got her.

[YELLING]

I got him, I got him.

[INAUDIBLE].

Mary Lou, I'm so sorry.

I was appalled to think that they would be fair to you.

[CRYING]

Are you going to be all right?

Mary Lou?

Hey, watch it.

You leave her alone!

Mary Lou?!

Samantha, I'm sorry.

You clocked him.

Look, [INAUDIBLE].

You come back here, or I'll beat you into tomorrow!

Samantha, I tried to warn you.

That is what happens when you put a woman on a man's team.

Oh yeah, and it's not because of the way you're treating her?

Hey, listen, our opponents would treat her the same way.

Oh, your opponents would pat her on the ass, huh?

Hey, with the teams we play, yeah, they'd

probably do worse things.

You'd let them, to your own team mate?

Hey, what did you expect us to be anyway,

team mates or babysitters?

I expected you to be fair!

Look, would you face it once and for all?

Softball is a man's game.

Yeah?

Then what are you doing on the team?

Oh, that's very cute, very... what... what're you doing?

What do you think you're doing here?

Hey, look, why don't you just come over tonight?

You know, we'll have one of our sweet little talks?

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Look, Samantha, I'm already horsed

to shit from all the crap that's been going on today.

Now would you please just say yes?

OK, Wes, I'll be over.

Yeah?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

See honey, aren't you glad we had this little talk?

Oh, you don't know how glad.

Hm... now you promised you're not going to tell anyone,

right?

-I promise. -Good.

Mm-hm.

OK, because [INAUDIBLE], this is so much fun.

I can't... what's the manual say comes next?

You know, Wes, I've been thinking.

You were right.

You can't have a woman playing on a man's team.

Women shouldn't play with me.

You know, we're not smart enough.

We could never keep our mind on the game.

Because all we would ever think about

is you big, strong, athletic macho men.

Now Samantha, don't be rash, honey.

Mary Lou's a nice girl.

She just needs a little more practice, is all.

No, you're just saying that to let us down easy.

Mary Lou had no place being on that team.

No, no, honey.

Now I meant every word of it.

She's a nice girl.

She just needs to practice some more.

Now you know me better than that.

No, Wes.

The place for a woman is in the home.

That's just where I'm going, up to my home.

Oh, not my glove, Samantha.

Geez, that's my Joan Joyce autograph.

Oh, not my glove, Sam.

Oh... Sam?

Samantha, Samantha, honey?

Sweetheart, aren't you, uh, forgetting something,

baby cakes?

That's right.

How silly of me.

You really had me worried.

I mean, I really thought you were going to leave

me here like this, and I was...

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(RECORD PLAYING) Hello boys and girls, it's your Uncle Jimmy...

Sam, no.

Sam, my pants, Sam.

Samantha, come back here.

See you on ball field,

Ha-ha, OK, good joke, Sam.

Be careful not to trip over your bag.

OK... Sam?

Samantha, come back here.

Sam?

Oh no, no!

...quiet building, and our tenants are so dignified.

Samantha?

Oh, I'm going to get you for this.

Oh, hi there.

(STAMMERING) Nice day?

[GRUNTING]

Hey.

Don't touch me!

I'll tell you something.

I'm sick of you, and all of your cute, little friends.

And I think it's high time you all learn the good lesson.

[APPLAUSE]

I still say we don't have a chance.

Is a game set?

Samantha's talking to Mr. Beasley right now.

I don't know what she expects.

To whip their asses, that's what.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Listen, let's face it.

They've been playing ball all their lives.

We'll get stomped.

Stomped?

I'd be the one to know about that, all right.

Wasn't it back in the Eastern League?

50 [INAUDIBLE].

Deuces were wild.

It's 2-2, two on.

It's 2 to 1.

A high, inside pitch... I swung that...

And you hit it over the fence?

That's right.

How did you know?

That's great, Pop.

Dream on.

It wasn't a dream.

It happened, and it could happen to you.

Come on, Pop, you can't expect us to go...

Hey, [INAUDIBLE], nothing.

We hadn't won a game all season long.

Desire was what we had.

But more than that, you've got to not be afraid to try!

We can't expect nothing but to try.

I'll give anything a try.

Hey, remember... the pressure is on them!

You know, just... just playing them would be a victory.

To hell with that!

A victory would be a victory.

We're not going out there to look good.

We're going out there to win!

So what're we running for?

[CHEERING]

Come on, what's going on?

We're going to play softball with the Beavers,

and we're going to whoop their asses!

I'll go.

[INAUDIBLE]!

...[INAUDIBLE] got it... [SCREAMING]...

I think... [YELLING]

What's the matter?

[BABY CRYING]

Huh?

How many times have I told you not to put

this damn stuff in the sink?!

Well, if you had to fix it when I asked you too six weeks ago...

You put it in the trash!

In the trash!

What've you done now?

The sink.

[CAR HONKING]

Any rate, hold it right there, honey.

Uh-uh.

Go on, turn around.

Here, here, here.

Take the baby, take the baby.

OK, now I left bottles in the refrigerator,

and there is Pampers by the bed.

And I'll be back about 3 or something.

I'm playing softball with the girls, OK?

Come on, Maureen.

Sam, I'll be right there.

No, she won't, Sam.

Well, wait, Maureen.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Now just what about the psychological effects of it,

aren't you... well, you didn't think of that, did you, huh?

Wait, wait, Maureen, I'm telling you, huh?

His mother going out to play softball?

Uh-huh.

His father staying here to nurse him?

-Uh-huh. -No, no, no.

He's going to grow up to a fag, and you don't want that.

Oh, don't be silly, Tom.

He just loves orange juice, Mommy's little baby.

But Maureen, come on, be serious.

Just take care of my baby.

Maureen, come on now.

Sam, you ready to run that double play, huh?

OK.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Just like yesterday.

Dolan homers in ninth wins game, yeah.

[GAGGING]

All right.

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

[INAUDIBLE], listen.

You saw those girls today, they were good.

I think we should just say the hell with it

and not play the game at all.

Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

I could see the headlines now, 'Girls turn

Beavers into chickens.'

Yeah, but Tom, you saw how good they were.

No, wait a minute.

Tom's right, man.

We're locked into the circus.

What do you say?

Hey, you fairies are up kind of late tonight, aren't you?

[LAUGHING]

Hey, what's it to you, Bozo breath?

Take it easy, Fred.

I just want to make sure your boys are up for your big game

tomorrow.

I got money bet on you.

You mean you bet on them?

Yeah, the old guy that took the girls gave me five runs.

I've decided that the boys and myself to give

you something for a long time.

And you know, since you're such a good guy,

we decided to really pick a winner for you.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, very funny.

Oh yeah?

Hey, lighten up over here.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

...[INAUDIBLE] very well, and they won't stand a chance, you know?

Because I'm serious about this.

I'm tired of this stuff.

You know, he [INAUDIBLE].

Uh-oh, Samantha.

He's got his eye on you, and it's not Wes.

[INAUDIBLE], right?

[INAUDIBLE].

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please?

Now a little quiet please?

Quiet.

For the first time in the history of this phantasmagoria,

the salute to the Roman Empire, we are going

to have a T-shirt contest.

Not an ordinary T-shirt contest, but a wet T-shirt contest.

[APPLAUSE]

Wait a sec, wait a minute.

Anybody, anybody can enter... any man, any woman, any child,

any boy or any girl, a chimpanzee,

a Jo Jo, the elephant boy.

Anybody can enter this contest.

[CHEERING]

I want everybody to put their best forward.

Pay attention, boys and girls.

Now let us get a couple of volunteers up here.

[APPLAUSE]

You, there you are.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on, you guys, let's do this.

No.

Come on, come on, Jamie.

Well, what the hell?

What do you say?

[INTERPOSING VOICES] -Come on up here.

-Where am I going? -Come on, folks.

Let's give them a round of applause.

What's going on here?

Everybody, let's get them up on the stage.

You, come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on up.

Come on, come on.

Hm... what pushers, what bumpers?

Come on up here.

You the blonde... is it true blondes have more fun?

Come on, blondie.

Hey, come here, curly locks.

You...

Shit.

Oh, piss.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, wow.

Now ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you something.

In order to have a wet T-shirt contest,

we gotta have a volunteer from the audience.

I gotta have somebody come up here

and spray these beautiful, gorgeous girls.

[CHEERING]

I know some guy, married a girl,

she's half French, half Chinese.

He got up one morning, she was sucking his shirts.

Sir, you, the German Shepard.

Oh, that's your wife.

I'm very sorry, sir.

Ah, the guy over there choking his chicken under the table.

No, we don't want that either.

Ah, no, no, no, no.

I mean a sprayer, sir, not a player.

No, no, no, how about you, sir?

Would you like to come up?

Come on, let's go.

Let's get [INAUDIBLE].

[APPLAUSE]

I'm gonna tell you one thing now, folks.

The judges are men.

And you know, that sometimes they're prejudiced.

OK, but there's nothing to be afraid of.

All you gotta do is just aim the nozzle and press it.

Just like that.

Ah, you schmuck, you aimed it the wrong way... the other way.

That's much better, that's fantastic.

You're gonna be great at this.

All right, go on down to the other end of the line,

and start doing your job.

Is the water ready?

Good.

Now it's time for you, time for the audience

to become part of the show.

Let's give them a tremendous hand.

And the winner of the contest gets a free car wash, courtesy

of a very unflattering...

You've got to get off the stage.

I was supposed to get wet, boss.

Mary Lou, there's an overweight, fat guy

out there looking for you.

Buddy.

Hey, get off the stage.

I really don't... I don't... I really don't understand.

Oh my gosh.

...sweetheart.

As long as I got a face, baby, you'll

always have a place to sit.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Take my keys.

This is my apartment.

Good luck.

Hey, listen, folks.

I only got one ball.

And the one I've got left, you break it.

You don't think it's easy walking around knowing

you're half nuts.

Did I tell you about the rabbi who went into a monastery

and became a shmunk?

Hey, [INAUDIBLE].

Get away from me!

Get out of the way, you hippie.

Fucking asshole.

Next time, keep your goddamn hands to yourself.

Eat a booger, flubby arm face!

Hey, get off of my car!

You drunks, get off of my car!

Get off of my... hey, you... someone...

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

Hey, is this [INAUDIBLE] start?

She's got real tits.

Get it on, man.

Move it, move that ass.

Move that ass.

Jamie, you're wearing a bra.

Where's Fred, can you see him?

OK, now lets just stick them out, just for a second.

Then watch his face.

You know I'm embarrassed.

Jamie, this is our only chance to teach those guys a lesson.

Look, just do it, OK?

Stick them out and watch.

Hey, Violet.

Man, let me tell you some beautiful, gorgeous black...

Come on, did he notice you?

I think so.

You're damn right he did.

Now stick them out, come on.

Fred.

[GASPING]

[MOANING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

The winner is the one, the only Jamie Harrison!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Now where in tarnation did I put those socks?

Hm, maybe under the TV.

Hold it right there, sweetheart.

[SCREAMING]

You keep away from me.

You better take it easy.

Nothing's gonna go wrong. [MOANING]

[BELL RINGING]

[GRUNTING]

Nice try, except for my steel plated jock strap, huh?

Now look Midge, tracking you down wasn't easy.

First I had to find that Falcon.

Then you hid all them strawberries on me.

Now you're trying to get on a plane to go to Casablanca.

No, I'm...

Look, you ain't going anywhere, baby, except back

with me to your father.

So come on.

Have you gone loco?

Look, lady, doing Bogue is the only fun I have in this job.

So come on, let's go see your father.

[BANGING]

Let go of her, fat boy.

Watch out, Buddy.

He's gotta steel plated jock strap!

[SCREAMING]

Buddy!

Oh no, Buddy...

[GRUNTING]

Oh, my champion.

[MOANING]

Ah, oh, Buddy, my hero.

[GASPING]

[GRUNTING]

Where is he?

Humpty Dumpty had a little fall.

Well, good riddance to a rotten egg.

[GRUNTING]

...[SCREAMING] Get out of here, you freak!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Get going, bitch.

Get... get out of my way.

Hey, you guys see a... a... a fat guy with a beard and a little

chick that just did the wet...

Bozo!

Oh, jeez, Bozo, I'm gonna kill you.

Get out of that car, Bozo.

So I can tear your ears off.

I seen you in there looking at my girlfriend and... oh my god...

You talking to me, bub?

[INAUDIBLE] some guy.

He paid me five bucks to [INAUDIBLE] you.

Bozo?

Come on, Samantha.

I thought you really wanted to do it.

Wes!

You must be tired of fooling around with that faggot by now.

-Stop it, Bozo. -Wes!

Oh, what do you want with that faggot

for, when you can have me?

Wes is more of a...

Do it, come on.

Stop it, he's more of a man than you'll ever be.

Hey, where are you going?

What's the matter, you aren't freezing, are you?

I'll put you in my car, it'll warm you up.

Bo, stop it!

Come on.

Put me down!

[SCREAMING] Bozo, you bearded elephant, scum of the Earth,

Bozo, you let go!

...[INAUDIBLE] to play Ring Around the Rosie.

Come on, cut it out now.

You're not a CT, are you?

Boy, I sure to hate teases.

Who, me?

Tease big, strong, handsome you?

Never.

Hey, what are you doing?

What are you, crazy?

Hey, where are you going?

Hey!

Hey!

What's the matter with you?

I have a [INAUDIBLE] and she rolls my head up in the window.

[INAUDIBLE]

RADIO NARRATOR: Hey, do you suffer

from painful, embarrassing jock itch?

Are you taking care of your body?

What's going on?

[CAR HONKING]

Hey, hey, [INAUDIBLE].

What the hell?

Hey!

[INAUDIBLE] help!

Just run it down.

What's this, no looky?

What's the matter with you?

Come back, hey!

Hey, don't leave me in here.

Hey, hey, let me out of here.

What the hell's going on?

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

What're you doing, Buddy?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mary Lou, I still love you.

I love you too.

More than your father?

Buddy.

Mary Lou, whatever it is that you're afraid of

or you're scared of, why don't we just work it out together?

All right, please?

OK.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Oh yeah!

Oh, Buddy.

Uh, uh... uh, Mr. Whatley, tracking your daughter down

has not been easy.

No, sir.

As a matter of fact, I fell off a balcony this evening,

Mr. Whatley and I... now just relax,

Mr. Whatley, I have some good news for you.

Yes, the good news is that your daughter ain't no dyke.

That's right.

But the bad news is that she ain't

no virgin neither, Mr. Whatley.

No, she's not.

Now, Mr. Whatley, please.

I have incurred a great deal of expense

on this particular case, and... and yes... yes, I

have receipts for everything, and I expect

you to reimburse... Mr. Whatley?

Mr. Whatley?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, yeah.

This is for you, Sam, from old Wes.

Well, can I get you a drink?

Sure, what have you got?

You got any beer?

[MOANING]

What are you doing up there, Sam, huh?

Oh, you're doing your sit-ups for the big game, yeah.

Keep going, baby, while Wesley makes

himself a little snack-a-roo.

Oh, you're working up a real sweat, are you now, Sam, huh?

Yeah, yep, down and one, three...

[MOANING]

Shh.

Oh boy, you're really working up

a sweat, aren't you, Samantha?

Oh yeah, you're really getting into it now, aren't you baby?

Come on, louder, louder.

[MOANING INTENSIFIES]

[MALE MOANING]

Wait a minute.

There was only one... now there's... Bozo.

You're up there with Bozo, aren't you, huh?

You're up there with the Goodyear blimp,

aren't you, huh?

[BOTH MOANING LOUDLY]

Bozo.

I'm gonna kill you, Bozo.

I'm gonna [INAUDIBLE] you over, Bozo.

You fat slob.

I'm gonna kick your ass tomorrow, Bozo.

Buddy, I'm so happy.

But shouldn't get a blood test first?

It's too late now.

Let's just get hitched.

A place of my own, silverware... oh,

what about the china patterns?

[KNOCKING]

[BURPING]

All right, all right, all right.

What's the matter with you?

Wes.

Samantha, you know I was just thinking about you.

You see who's here?

Yeah, yeah, the girl I was gonna share

Chantilly silverware with.

Hey, let me ask you a question, huh.

What was that you were doing with Bozo up there, huh?

[INAUDIBLE], right?

A little wham bam, thank you, Sam?

And now you're coming to me to do the World Series, right?

Where you been, lady?

I'm a hero now, I'm big time.

They love me... yeah?

I mean, listen, I ain't nobody's relief

man, especially for no uh, fat, ugly catcher like uh, Bozo

up there.

Oh, jeez... oh hey, one more thing, [FARTING SOUND]

I gotta water my plants.

[INAUDIBLE] [MOANING]

You don't have to say anything, Fred.

[HORN HONKING]

...[GASPING] Oh... no, no, Jamie, you know...

I really want to tell you that just...

That just because you won the T-shirt contest and you know,

I wanted to tell you that I really think that they... I

mean, you are really beautiful.

I really mean that, Jamie, you're really beautiful.

I just want to tell you that... well,

I just don't love you for... well, you know...

I just don't love you for...

I know, Fred, I know.

Oh, Jamie.

Well, Fred...

Yes?

[GASPING]

Wouldn't you like to touch them anyway?

Jamie.

Oh my, Jamie.

I love you.

[MOANING]

I went across the state line and got hitched.

And there's nothing you could do about it, Daddy.

It's been...

[MOANING]

...constipated.

Isn't that right, Buddy?

Buddy, what are you doing in there?

[TOILET FLUSHING]

I'm swimming in it, a real woman!

It's exactly two months and four days

since the beginning of Spring.

And when you think of Spring, you

think of exactly two things, softball and mattresses.

Springtown, New Jersey is certainly the capital of both.

And therefore it's the logical place for the unfolding

of the next episode in the battle

of the sexes, the Beavers versus the Beaverettes.

A contest of will versus wild, that

promises to be unforgettable.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Chairman of the Board,

Mr. Sirus Van Hooten.

Ah... unaccustomed as I am to public speaking,

there's nothing I like to see more than young

people having a good time...

[CHEERING]

...but there's more in life than baseball.

And there's more in life than having a good time.

I want to say to you that a mattress...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

And the ball game between the Beavers and the Beaverettes

is finally underway, a regulation

seven inning softball game.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Stepping up to the plate is the lead off man for the women,

Rose Mailman... I mean the lead off woman for the women

is Rose Mailwoman.

I mean the lead off person for the women is Rose Mailperson.

Nevermind... there's a broad at bat, and she just struck out.

Come on, you big, fat jerk.

Jeez, if this is a sample of what's to come,

the Beavers are going to hop all over the Beaverettes.

Second batter up, here's the pitch.

And it's a hit, it's a hit.

Well, stop by a mattress, folks, I spoke too soon.

Karen Smurtz has hit a huge double.

And the Beaverettes have their juices flowing.

[CHEERING]

It's one out.

There's a man, or a person on second.

The next batter is up.

A pop up to deep short, Cunningham grabs it,

hustles to second... double play, he's got it.

The side is retired.

In this reporter's opinion, the Beaverettes base running

looked a little ragged around the edges.

[CHEERING]

Now the Beavers have a chance to make the fur flop.

On the mound for the Beaverettes is Mary Lou Whatley.

And she binds it in for a strike.

Oh, that pitch was too hot to handle,

even for catcher, [INAUDIBLE].

This little lady hails from Forkville, Georgia,

it says here.

She played softball by day, and danced in the Forkville

Theater Chorus line by night.

One day she got her jobs confused,

and her famous pitching motion was born.

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Boo!

Boo!

Strike three, and the first batter

goes down on Whatley's famous demon pitch.

[CHEERING]

Next up is Buddy Colen.

Bud's a local boy, works a mattress forklift

and goes home to the YMCA.

Been there for six years, it says here.

Play ball!

Something very strange is going on here.

Wait a minute, Whatley's pitched him a meatball pitch,

go and hits a meatball hit.

The pitcher is up with it.

It's an easy out... hey, and what's going on?

She didn't throw it.

It's a meatball throw.

Where's the spaghetti?

I'm eating sauce.

[INAUDIBLE] safe at first.

I don't know about you, folks, but this announcer

would like an explanation for this unprofessional

brand of softball we're witnessing here today.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

First baseman, Goldstein, lays down a perfect punt.

He's on his way to first.

He trips, he's out.

We can chalk that one up to Lady Luck.

But the bunt did it's damage, folks, and the runner

advances to second.

[CHEERING]

Two outs, and that brings up Wes Cunningham,

the captain of the Beavers.

Another fast one, folks.

It was Wes who scored the winning run

against the Animals, back in reel one,

for the league championship.

There's a long, well hit ball that's going to be doubled.

She's got it.

Bouncing inner springs, I haven't

seen a spread like that since the Springtown sports banquet.

Maureen Goldstein has just made the play of the game

after one inning of play, no hits, no runs,

throwing out the pitcher, and goose eggs across the board.

Hey Wes, what a hitter, huh?

You're headed for All League, huh, kid?

All Fairy League, Fairy feet!

Yessirree, Bob, the venerable Pop Dolan

has really whipped these ladies into shape.

Pop Dolan is the man who made the Beaverettes give a damn.

But let's get serious.

Striding up to the plate is the Beaverettes team captain,

Spunky Samantha Howell.

Ah, those young people today, they're beautiful,

aren't they folks?

Well, it's good to see they don't do all their scoring

on the ball field.

Yoo-hoo, Russ, Russ?

Hi Russ.

Well, there looks like there's something

wrong with the pitcher, Russ McSwinney.

The Beavers pitcher seems to have something in his eye.

I can't quite make out what it is from here,

but I'll keep you abreast of the situation as it develops.

It's a lob pitch, and Samantha Howell really smacks that ball.

It's a solid splash to the outfield, folks.

Second base, second base, come on!

Second base, come on!

To the base, to the base... come on now, you've got her.

Safe.

A double, folks.

Samantha Howell has just stoked two based hit... or a...

Look, Wes, about last night.

Let's go, Russ, come on.

We can get it back.

Let's go.

Come on, guys, look alive.

OK, Maureen, let's go!

Come on!

[INAUDIBLE] is up.

Kill it!

Come on, Maureen, let's go!

McSwinney is settling down.

He's got to concentrate, folks, or he's going to be

in for some sleepless nights.

Into the stretch... uh oh, it looks like Howell's

breaking into third.

She's trying to steal third.

It should be an easy out. -Safe!

-She's in, she's safe. -Shit.

McSwinney could have wrapped that one up

with a bow... what a gift.

Fred?

Well, I've seen McSwinney pitch before,

and he can work himself right out of this kind of a problem.

Play ball!

Hi Russ.

Russ, you're not paying attention.

Go Maureen, come on!

Do it. -Come on, babe.

Come on, baby.

Clap, baby.

Oh, Russy, baby.

Into the stretch, the pitch, it's a wild pitch.

It's nowhere near the catcher.

It's in the stands.

The ball is in the stands.

Samantha Howell touches home plate with a soft shoe.

[CHEERING]

Safe.

And the Beaverettes have pulled ahead, one to nothing.

My inside line before the big game

tipped me off that the Beaverettes

were going to rely very heavily on strategy,

ladies and gentlemen.

And that seems exactly what's going on.

And it looks like we have a ball game.

[CHEERING]

The Beavers have got their first threat

going, as they try to get on top of the Beaverettes.

The bases are loaded, no outs.

And from this announcer's point of view,

it looks like pitcher Whatley is starting

to get a little tuckered out.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, Buddy's up.

The bags are loaded, and it's a full count.

Whatley cannot afford to toss another meatball

pitch at this crucial moment.

A pay off pitch, hit hard, could be trouble.

Shortstop's up with it, tags the runner for one,

flips to second for two.

She throws it first, triple play, triple play, triple play!

Remember that, ladies and gentlemen,

because you don't see a play like this too often,

in this American game of softball,

that we've got going here this afternoon.

Ladies and gents, the score is one to nothing.

Wes Cunningham at the plate, a man on base, hard hit.

The ball is out of here, it's a... it's a home run.

What a blast, folks.

There it is, folks... Wes Cunningham has just hit.

He's just belted one of the longest home

runs I've ever seen by a right handed mattress

employee in the free world.

With the score two to one against the Beaverettes,

it's up to Maureen Goldstein to get it back.

Do it!

[CHEERING]

It's a [INAUDIBLE] on the first baseman, an easy out.

Oh no, he's not even throwing it.

He's letting her take a base.

Folks, this is not the brand of softball

we've come to expect from Springtown mattress workers,

nosirree Bob.

And now Midge Bonanza smashes it... big hit, big hit.

Goldstein heads for second, makes the turn to third.

Around third, and she scores easily.

Midge Bonanza has just hit herself a big, fat double,

to tie this ballgame up.

It looks like we've got a ball game.

It looks like a real doozie, ladies and gentlemen.

Tom, no more free rides for Maureen, got it?

What's that supposed to mean?

Hey, I've seen Jamie's little sister,

Brenda do a better job on first base.

Will you just lay off?

We're gonna lose the game because I let the mother

of my child get on base once?

Hey, a games a game.

Why don't you light a fire under Romeo's ass then, huh?

The laws of society maybe changed this afternoon, folks,

because the Beaverettes are proving that women

can keep it up better than men.

Now folks, it's the bottom of the fourth,

and sweat is pouring off Whatley's brow.

Russ, hey, Russ.

Hey Russ.

Hey Russ, hey, look it.

There's more destruction in the field, folks.

...[INAUDIBLE], I'll take you to home plate tonight.

Like the good book says, for every problem,

there's a simple solution.

It looks like the Beavers have solved the problem

of McSwinney's roving eye.

Hi Russ.

Maybe now we'll see the power that McSwinney's

known for, here in Springtown.

But it looks like for every solution,

there's another problem.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

She's winding up... uh, I mean the pitcher.

Oh my goodness, it looks like McSwinney didn't keep

his eye on the bouncing ball.

Well, if I had to take my base by getting hit in the head,

I guess that's the way I'd want it.

[CHEERING]

The next batter's up.

There's the wind up.

Here's the pitch.

It's a long fly.

The left fielder's under it, runner tags up.

Going for home, going for home... it's a long throw,

it's gonna be close.

It's gonna be close.

Out!

He's outta there.

[CHEERING]

...[ALL CHANTING] S U C C E S S, that's the way

we spell success.

Now, now, Beaverettes are the best.

Beaverettes are the best.

Beaverettes are the best.

La-di-da, la-di-da, la-di-da.

The ground is settling down.

It's the top of the fifth.

It looks like the beavers are finally showing their strategy.

All right, baby baby.

Ah, now.

Come, baby.

Ooh, that must have stung.

Well, the ump's going to have to call for a clean ball

after that play.

She really cracked that one.

[CHEERING]

Buffy's getting ready to roll once again.

A little Texas leaguer to center field, easy out.

Uh-oh, she must have lost it in the sun... unbelievable.

Oh shit!

Note that pitching style, folks.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hit it.

Get him out!

Safe.

[SCREAMING]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, you...

These mattress workers work side by side during the day.

But on the field, they give their all

with a friendly competition.

This represents the highest standards

of American sportsmanship.

Let me take this moment to remind you

that the mattress workers gospel hour, normally heard

at this time, will be back next week,

and will feature Pillowcase Jones,

and he Satin Sheets Gospel Singers.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

You... you man, you!

What do you call this crap?

That was a dirty trick.

Hey, well, that's the way the game is played.

Yeah.

-[INAUDIBLE] you need to win? -Yeah!

Well, uh, let me say something, sweetheart.

That's right.

It's like life, it's gets just a little bit rough.

Come on, guys.

We have some Beaverettes dams to build.

Come on, guys.

We've got a game to win, let's go.

Hey Wes, don't you know it ain't polite to punch broads?

Looks like this brew-ha-ha has spilled over into the crowd,

with the men taking their side, and the women

sitting on their side.

Due the Fred Smudge's heads up base running,

the Beavers have managed to score two runs,

and are now ahead four to two.

[CHEERING]

All right, you guys.

Come on, what do you say?

Let's get tough.

No more favors, right, Maureen?

What favors?

Like throbbing Tom's balls!

You should hold onto them...

You hole.

Keep your dirty mouth off my husband's balls!

Hey, it was an error.

An error?!

Yeah!

Don't you think it's about time you've

got your signals straight?

Hey, my signals are straight, fart face.

Hey!

Yeah?

Yeah, [INAUDIBLE].

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

But I don't hear you saying anything about Miss Mary Lou.

She hasn't made straight pitch to Buddy all day!

Yeah, well what about Jamie?

Let's look at the whole situation.

[ALL SCREAMING]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Hey, how could you call that at second base?

...[INAUDIBLE] you ain't tall enough to even see second base.

She came at me...

NARRATOR: This battle of the sexes

is going from a mild bush fire on the field,

to a nuclear blast.

Cool it.

Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised

at anything that happens in this humdinger

of a softball game, folks.

All right, cut it.

That's enough.

What the hell's going on here?

Sakes you've got a game out there to play.

You've held these guys for six innings.

You can hold them for one more.

I don't want you girls just to whip them,

I want you to whoop them!

Now come on, Matsy baby.

Let's start us off.

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Coming into the seventh and last inning,

the Beavers are still ahead of the Beaverettes.

Max Norris swings at the first pitch.

[CHEERING]

He connects for a single.

Bonanza's at the plate, she bunts.

It looks like an easy out at first.

Oh, there goes the first baseman.

Go, get it!

She's heading for second.

Norris scores, it's four to three.

You've got her, you've got her.

[GRUNTING]

There goes the second baseman, heading for third.

Come on, you've got her.

[GRUNTING]

There goes the shortstop.

There goes the third baseman.

And Bonanza heads for home.

[CHEERING]

Safe.

The Beaverettes tie the game.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Folks, the fans are upset.

It's the bottom of the seventh, and the men

have got to get going if we're going to avoid extra innings.

So let's get out there and give it 100%.

I want to win this game.

Hey, what do you say, Buddy?

You're throwing the game on account of Mary Lou?

No, Romeo had a rough night last night.

Hey, that's a bunch of bullshit, OK?

Because you left the cus an hour before I did.

Yeah, I left.

But it doesn't mean I went home.

Hey, don't give me this kiss and tell routine, OK?

No, I'm serious.

I left and then ended up at Samantha's apartment.

Oh, man.

Are you telling me that that was you and Mary Lou

in Samantha's apartment last night?

You mean you heard us?

Oh, Jesus Christ, I had to have my ceiling re-plastered.

What are you talking about?

Listen, that's uh... that's not the half of it.

Last night, we... we left at about 2:00 in the morning,

and we... -Batter up!

...listen, it's going to be all right.

All right, [INAUDIBLE], do it.

[CHEERING]

Hey, Buddy, wait.

Get the bat, get the bat.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

All right, this is the setup... tie score,

the seventh and final inning, unless

we go into extra innings, folks, and I hope we don't.

Because [INAUDIBLE] appliance workers have the field at 4:30.

But at any rate, we're at the bottom of the last inning.

Buddy Colen looking mighty tired, went down on strikes.

One out, and Neil Fulson is the batter.

You're out.

The Folsun whip... Whatley's keeping the pressure

going right up until the end.

Two outs, and it's up to Wes Cunningham to keep it alive.

Hit hard, the crowd is going crazy.

[CHEERING]

He's safe.

Cunningham has himself a double, folks,

and the winning run is in scoring position.

Rats.

Hi, Sam.

What are you smiling about?

I just found out that you weren't home last night.

What?

Two outs, Wes is on second.

It's a hit passes the in-field.

Cunningham isn't running.

He must be daydreaming.

It looks like Wes Cunningham is not in the game.

All great sportsman undergo mental fatigue once in a while,

but not with two outs in the last inning of a tied game.

Well, two men on, and the Beavers

have a real threat going.

So it's up to Fred Smudge to keep the Beavers' hopes alive.

With one crack of Fred Smudge's bat,

Smudge can be on every lip in Springtown tonight.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ladies and gentlemen, there's a certain hush

coming over the field now.

The tension is mounting.

And we appear to have the setup of a perfect squeeze

play, that play that every little leaguer in the land

knows about.

Let me explain it to you.

Let me make it simple for you.

We have a man on first base, one on third.

We have a second baseman here, the pitcher's here.

Oh, wait a minute... that's a... just a moment,

let's start again here.

Uh, we have a man here on first base, one on third.

We have a second baseman here, the shortstop is here.

And then of course, we do have a catcher down here.

And now I'm... oh, wait a minute.

Here's the wind up, here comes the pitch.

You can cut the tension with a knife... called strike.

Looked more like a ball to me.

The steam is rising from the base paths.

The sun beats down, the fans hold their breath

in fateful expectation.

Will Smudge be a champ or a chump?

The only thing certain is that [INAUDIBLE] appliance

workers have the field at 4:30.

Oh, wait a minute... here comes the pitch.

Air ball.

It's a back of the bat ribber... Squeeze play, squeeze play.

But it's an easy out.

Short stop picks it up, she throws... oh no.

But Bonanza's there with a beaut of a backup catch.

Throw it, he's coming home!

...[INAUDIBLE] on base, Samantha's covering the plate.

Bonanza fires the ball home... - Hi Samantha.

Hi Wes.

Listen, I've got to talk to you.

Dinner tonight, please?

Sure, [INAUDIBLE].

Anywhere you'd like... OK, wait a minute.

You mean you're not angry at me?

Come on.

Me angry at you?

I thought you were mad at me.

Well, listen, maybe after last... OK, never mind.

It's not important.

I just want you to know, I really love you, babe.

I really do.

And I'm going to give you the biggest hug and a kiss,

right after I score, OK?

One more thing, by the way.

What's that?

Lights out.

What?

Safe, the Beavers win the game!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

You liar!

Please, I'll never play again.

No, no, no... I'll never play softball again for as long

as I live.

Please Samantha, oh my god.

You know I could never keep you from playing softball.

What? What did you say?

I said I would never keep you from playing softball.

Oh, Samantha.

What?

I love you.

I know.

Come here, babe.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yes, folks, the Beavers win.

This is the perfect climax for an unbelievable afternoon.

Springtown will never be the same again.

A classic battle between men and women

has been fought before your very eyes.

And a lesson has been learned by each side that

shall not be soon forgotten.

We're running a little late on time,

so this is William Kirksey, your voice of the Merry Mattress

Factory, wishing you a pleasant evening

and a pleasant tomorrow.

But before we sign off, if there's anyone out

there who still does not understand how a squeeze

play works, just send a self-addressed stamped envelope

and 18 empty Pepsi cans to the station.

Now stay tuned for the Springtown

hog and cattle report.

This is your afternoon pig and cattle report.

We've got pork bellies, 49 cents a [INAUDIBLE],

a pound, [INAUDIBLE] hog.

[INAUDIBLE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]