Original subtitles

[Tom] A one, two, three, four.

Whoo! Yeah! That's right.

♪ Heading home to the country To a place I've always been ♪

♪ Goodbye, California And all the things I've seen ♪

♪ Goin' back to Canada To live my American dream ♪

♪ On a hundred acres Where the grass is always green. ♪

[harmonica music]

Good girls.

That's right. Thank you, Fanny.

You're being really good.

Wait, wait, wait. No, no-no. Nope, nope. Nope, no-no, nope.

[Fanny nickers]

Yay! Thank you. We're getting better and better.

-Yes. Whoa. -[nickers]

That's a good girl.

[sing-song] Somebody wants to go for a ride.

Who wants to go for a ride? Fanny wants to go for a ride.

I actually got Charlie at the beginning of the pandemic, and I got a van.

Charlie's named after the John Steinbeck novel Travels with Charlie.

When I got Charlie and I got the van, my dad said,

"Oh, like Travels with Charlie." I said, "What's that?"

He said, "John Steinbeck." I said, "I don't read." He said, "I know."

[laughs]

I drove out into the desert in the United States,

and I spent the next year traveling around with my video camera

and my dog. And it was an amazing experience.

[birdsong]

What's in here, Brandon? What is this?

Well, we got the replacement batteries for your van.

We got some cold temperature batteries for you.

Then, we got a barn system to power the podcast.

-It's gonna be cool. -Super cool. Got some solar panels.

We're gonna create the first ever off-grid barn-cast.

It looks cool, too. To have the power in the barn.

This could power a house, basically, right?

It could.

But it's built to be a full-generator replacement.

And so, when you're recording audio, you're doing your podcast,

you can't have the noise of an engine going in the background.

So, to have that same amount of power but completely silent and reliable,

all in one, you know, easy, ready-to-go package.

Unbelievable.

[country music]

I'm gonna impale myself on this.

A few too many beers, Tom, things could go real bad, real quick.

It's very dark here. And the other night I was walking,

and I walked into it and I, sort of, my life flashed before my eyes.

'Cause there's a lot of sharp metal spikes on there.

That, there is.

What is it? Or what was it?

Horse-drawn hay rake.

Horse-drawn hay rake.

Not 100% sure how it works, but this part here,

would be normally down on the ground and then the horse would draw it along.

And then they'd have a lever that it would trip.

This would flip up, allow the hay to be dumped into a pile.

Then they'd drop it down again and continue dragging it along

until the hay accumulated.

You know what I'm realizing right now?

It could be flipped down.

If we just flipped it over, and the spikes were all pointed down,

then it wouldn't be dangerous anymore.

'Cause I do like the way it looks here.

It's nice to see a rusty piece of garbage from the 1800s on the front lawn.

It'd be nice to get tetanus from something from the 1800s.

Maybe we could just try to flip it over and see if it works?

And then if it doesn't, we can go to Plan A

and move it down to the front of the driveway.

All right. So, I'll lift it up and we'll see what happens.

Perfect, perfect. Okay.

[tractor engine rumbles]

Ooh. Wow.

Yeah. That's very smart, chickens.

Come stand under the sharp metal spikes

that we're about to roll over exactly where you're standing.

-Should I pull it back? -Yep.

Did you eat your Wheaties this morning, Tom?

I thought we had a tractor, though. Aren't we gonna use-- Oh, God!

Okay, sure. Good. Okay.

Okay.

It kinda looks upside down, now.

[laughs]

It just doesn't have the same feng shui.

I think I want to bring it down to the end of the driveway.

Very nice.

[country music]

Hey, Lauren. How are ya?

Hey. Good, Tom. How are you?

Good. Yeah, things are going good with the chickens.

-Thanks for coming. -No problem.

It's going great, we're having fun.

They look happy.

[Tom] I just wanted to let you know that everything's going good.

-Yeah, you haven't killed 'em yet. -Exactly.

They haven't killed you.

-No. They're all alive. -Okay. How are they laying?

Every time I go in there, there's 36 eggs in there.

You must be eating a lot of egg then?

-Yeah, my cholesterol's through the roof. -[laughs] Yeah.

Come check it out. Look how many eggs are in there right now.

Really? Oh, my God! There's a lot of eggs in each one of those!

See what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah, there's something else I want to show you guys, too.

Remember how much Charlie wanted to eat the chickens before?

Yeah, she wouldn't stop barking at them.

-She doesn't even... -Doesn't even care anymore.

Doesn't even care anymore.

But do you guys want to come up and do a quick podcast?

Yeah. That'd be awesome.

-Here we are. Lauren, thanks for coming. -My pleasure.

-From Willows Agriculture Services. -That's us.

-You actually brought the chickens. -Yes.

So, wait one second here.

Are you surprised that they're all alive still?

I'm surprised you're alive.

I thought they might take over.

[Tom] It's been basically completely seamless and perfect.

I'm starting my pickled egg company with my dad and my dog.

Tom, Dick and Charlie's Pickled Egg Company of Ontario.

So, it's just great. It's interesting because, uh, like...

Ryan grew up here. And this barn was built by his distant relatives,

and settled this whole area.

Ryan, did you ever think you'd see the day where you would be sitting

in the studio audience of a show here, in this barn?

Never did I think that would happen.

-[Tom] This is amazing. -I'm happy to be part of it, though.

Thanks, Lauren, for being our guest here on the first ever solar-powered barn-cast.

So honored, thank you.

Appreciate it.

[coyotes howling]

I have bad news.

What?

[sighs]

What?

Uh, it's not a joke.

No. Okay, what?

Um...

The coyotes got the chickens.

Oh, shit! All of the chickens?

Five of them.

[Mary Jane] How did it do that?

They swept in here in the middle of the day and they got five chickens.

They're dead, they're gone.

-Oh. -Oh, oh, dear.

Loretta's the lone survivor.

Aw. Holy shit, look at that. Yeah.

[Tom] They must've made a run for it and...

Yeah.

That's a tragedy.

Didn't make it.

Loretta, the lone survivor.

It's a really shocking thing. I was told this might happen.

I didn't expect it to be all at once. I thought maybe one.

Looks like this is Patsy. Huh. Jesus.

Shania... um... you can see the feathers on the ground here.

Like every farmer before me...

You know, you want to go out and get a rifle and shoot every coyote you see.

But I don't think that's what I'm gonna do. I think I'm gonna...

regroup. Uh, that's, I guess, nature. The brutal reality of nature.

So, don't... don't name your chickens.

[sniffs]

That's sad, Tom.

I know.

Aw, look at her. She's hugging you.

[funky music]

It's been a pretty good time, hasn't it, Charlie?

All the things we're getting done around here.

What are the fruit trees that you've brought today?

Nectarine trees. Pear, plum and peach, as well.

-I have a beaver in the pond right now. -They're pretty aggressive.

Cute on the surface but, you know, killers underneath.

Like Canadians, I guess.

Yeah. Act polite but we're really a bunch of assholes.

Good morning, Fanny. Whoa, that's a lot of manure.

[grunting]

[sniffs] I love the smell of manure in the morning.

Okay, Loretta. We're gonna keep you safe.

The lone survivor.

That's a cool little machine. It's like a video game but with dirt.

Well, I'll try one, you know?

-Go up like that. -Okay.

I'd be digging holes every day with this thing.

Awesome. Not in the Bahamas anymore, huh?

Larry, this is my brother, Joe.

Yeah, I know.

How are you and Larry, Tom?

I wanted to introduce Larry to Fanny and Kia today.

[Tom, as Larry] I'm not scared. They're gonna be scared of me.

They're not gonna be scared of you, I don't think.

Yeah, they will. I scare lots of... guys.

I'm Larry. Can I ride you? It's a lot of fun... whoa!

I think Fanny likes you.

Hi.

We're planting trees today with Ontario... Forest Ontario.

[worker] Forest Ontario, yeah. Norway Spruce.

[Tom] Norway Spruce, okay.

-You've been here for an hour. -Yep.

And how many trees have we planted already?

About 150.

-Notice how I said "we" there? -[laughs]

-Could I plant one? -Sure.

Put it a little bit deeper. And we'll open it up again.

You sound like my wife.

[worker] So, we graft on the branches of several different edible fruit trees.

What's on the multi-fruit?

We've got peach, nectarine, apricot and two plums on this one.

-All on one tree? -Yeah.

See, people probably aren't even gonna believe it.

-That is so cool! -[woman] Yeah.

Come on, Fanny. Time to get your hooves trimmed. Come on.

Good girl. Oh, yeah, she's ready for a trim.

[Tom] Nice. Oh, yeah. Good girl, Fanny.

-Cool, eh? -Can I make soup with that?

It's amazing.

This is old hat for her.

[Tom] It's almost like she likes it, I think.

So, she knows. It's like, "Oh, yay, I'm getting my feet fixed up."

You're like a ballerina.

♪ Hey, Kia, how you doin' today? ♪

♪ Hello, Fanny... ♪

I don't think Fanny likes the music as much as Kia.

♪ Got swept away Never seen you since ♪

♪ Guess I lived my life How I was supposed to do ♪

♪ You know me Back in the... ♪

Tough crowd.

[guitar music]

-How're you doin'? -Good. How are you?

-Good to see you guys. -Good to see you.

Just follow me for a second.

Uh... So, yeah, I'm not even like...

[Ryan] You've got a bit of a situation.

[Tom] Yeah, there's just Loretta left.

[Ryan] Country livin'.

I was pretty upset about it. I still am but I've come to terms with it.

I don't like to leave 'em in the coop all day.

[Ryan] Free range, yeah. It's part of being a farmer.

-Yeah. -You lose animals, from time to time.

[Tom] Yeah, everybody told me it was gonna happen,

but then I was kinda thinking, well, maybe I kinda had a good system here.

And then, five at once. Bam!

-[Ryan] Put Kia with 'em. -[Tom] Yeah.

[Ryan] She'll protect 'em.

I literally almost went Full Metal Jacket right into the woods last night

with a high-powered flashlight and a rifle.

Just like... [imitates gunfire] You know?

All Invasion USA, comin' out of the pond. [imitates gunfire]

Chuck Norris. [imitates gunfire] Slow motion, coming out of the pond.

I've gotten my cries out of me. I did cry.

Do farmers cry?

Not over chickens, for sure.

-No? Really? -I don't think so.

God, so, I'm just like a... fuckin' pussy.

[laughs]

[country music]

Wow!

[chuckles] I've now turned it into fall.

Jeez. It's amazing.

[Mary Jane] Not bad, eh?

[country music]

[Tom] Think we can get through it?

Oh, yeah, we can get through this.

Well, there's a big painted turtle here, on an ATV trail

through the Canadian wilderness.

This is a big painted turtle. You can see all these markings.

Bye-bye, buddy. Bye-bye.

[geese honking]

-Oh, it's right here. -Oh, it's right there.

It's not at the back at all.

Before we start, I want you to look at your hands.

-Yeah. -How many fingers do you have?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I still have ten.

Ten? Let's make sure there's ten when we're done.

Yeah, ten fingers, one chicken. Okay.

-[Tom] Ready? -[Ryan] Yep.

[engine rumbling]

All right, cool.

Well, look at that. I didn't even know it did that.

If they're too heavy for you to lift,

-you can do that. -Just roll 'em over like that.

[engine rumbling]

[cracks]

-[birds calling] -[bugs chirping]

That's a whip-poor-will. Sounds like whip-poor-will, whip-poor-will, right?

You hear them here as I heard when I was a kid.

When I moved to this place, it very much felt like home for me

because I heard the whip-poor-wills.

[whip-poor-will calling]

[Tom] Thanks so much. You did a great job gardening here.

[laughs] Thanks, Tom.

-You're awesome. -Potatoes are growin' well.

You've planted all this stuff and you've grown the garden up great.

Everything's great. You're real gardeners. Uh-oh. What's this?

That's a potato!

-Those are good potatoes. -Yeah.

-I like little potatoes. Look at that! -Yeah, just...

If you wait another month, it'll be a big potato.

Make french fries.

-[Mary Jane] Yeppers. -[Richard] Mm-hmm.

-[Tom] You want me to do something? -That'd be nice.

[Tom] It's amazing. You just put seeds in the ground...

-[Mary Jane] Oh, there's one. -[Richard] Yep.

[Tom] And then food comes out of the ground.

Wow, look at that. It's like a treasure.

-There we are there. -[Mary Jane] Okay.

[Tom] That's one potato plant? -[Richard] Yeah.

-[Mary] Yeah. -[Tom] Wow.

How do you know about all this? You're not farmers.

Actually, Tom, we know nothing about it.

This is all, you know... Well we've had gardens when we were little.

[Tom] You basically haven't done this in 50 years.

We have not.

-Whatever you did worked. -Yeah, here.

-But you only got one potato. -I know. Pull this up.

But there's a whole bunch of potatoes over there.

[Mary] Dig this, Tom.

But there's a whole bunch of potatoes over there.

Yes, I know. Shush up and dig this up. It's starting to rain.

-What? Okay. -[laughs]

Bugwacker. This is not a paid endorsement.

But it's good stuff.

Bugwacker. If you feel like whacking some bugs,

get some Bugwacker today.

Ladies and gentlemen, from Ontario, Canada,

welcome Andrew Jackson, ladies and gentlemen.

-Hey. -[applause]

The reason I wanted to have you here today, Andrew, is because

we're in the loft, and you did a lot of work here,

getting all the hay that was in this loft out of this loft.

[Andrew] I did, yeah.

How long did that take?

Three days, I think.

Basically, we made a studio up here.

It looks great.

How would you describe how much hay came out of here?

If you could imagine a pile that's probably... ten feet tall...

by 30 feet around.

How long have you lived in the region here?

My family's been here for three generations.

You moved away to the west coast for a while?

Moved to the west coast. Was in the Navy.

What's your earliest memory?

Going to the store and getting our ice cream.

That's one of my earliest memories, too.

And that was something you really looked forward to.

-Oh, yeah. -Kids today don't eat ice cream.

They're just on TikTok.

-Ice cream floats, and that. -[Tom] It's all gone.

Everything sucks.

Well, it's like the penny candies.

Big League Chew. Popeye Cigarettes? Remember Fun Dip?

-Yep. -Like a bag of sugar.

Pop Rocks, you put it in 7-Up, and then you drink it and your stomach explodes.

-Yep. Oh, yeah. -Stretch Armstrong.

Remember that? You ever rip one in half?

-No. -Ate the Dow Chemical,

-sort of, red gelatinous center. -No.

No? Oh, yeah, we did that.

Remember the Hot Wheels thing with the fuckin' loop-de-loop?

-Yeah. -Holy shit, that was fun.

-You ever collect rocks? -No.

No? Never collected 'em?

You never had a box of rocks that you just kinda collected for years

and then you just threw it out when you turned 18?

You ever take Tylenol PM, crush it up, put it in bread,

and feed it to the seagulls and watch 'em die in the air?

-No. -I never did that. I just made that up.

[country music]

[Tom] The pig's name is Eric.

Hello, Eric. How are ya? Good to see ya.

-[snorting] -Ohh.

-Hi, there. -[woman] Two couples.

-Hi. -[woman] Her mom is the blonde one.

Like a... like a Muppet.

[woman laughs] Yeah, she's like a Muppet.

Yeah. What are you doing? So friendly.

[woman] She's super friendly. Actually, I've never seen her like this.

Really?

[laughs]

[Tom] People sometimes say that, like, to me...

-Animals react to you like that? -[Tom] Yeah, yeah.

Either that or I just didn't shower this morning. Maybe that's what it was.

[country music]

[Tom] How many bales do you figure are out there now?

I can tell you exactly what's there.

[Tom] You did? You actually counted as you go?

I've got a counter.

[Tom] Oh, really. Okay.

[man] You've got 453 right now.

Okay. So, you think you'll be up over 600 with the rest?

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah? Nice.

This is a whole new experience for me, but it's exciting doing it now.

I'm actually kind of excited about loading all the bales into the pickup truck,

and into the barn.

Once you get it all done, I'll come and ask you how excited you are.

[both laugh]

Exactly, 680 bales later.

Well, you figure that'll be a few days work, I guess, huh?

Oh, I don't think you're gettin' 'em all in an afternoon.

No? [laughs]

So, Tom, we're gonna go one field. But how we'll stack it,

-like, Sean'll stack it. -Yeah.

'Cause he's worked with me and so has Matt,

with my grandfather, all our lives. So, they know what they're doin'.

-They'll stack five layers high. -Yeah.

And then, we'll work the whole wagon down. Come here, we'll unload it.

You ride with Eddie, okay?

I'm going up along the fence here to get in there?

Yeah. I think if you just go up along the fence,

and we'll go start in that pasture there.

We'll just work our way around that way, and then,

-there's some stuff on this side, too. -Okay.

It's the biggest Lego set you'll ever play with, for me.

If they're wet, they can spontaneously combust, right?

-It's bone dry. -Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You don't have to worry about a thing with these.

-Okay, great. -Pile 'em right in.

They were a little damp on the bottom yesterday,

so I went and flipped all 600 of them over by myself.

-Actually, my friend Jason helped me. -Crazy.

-Cheers, fellas. -Cheers.

-Cheers. -What's left?

I'm having a hard time estimating it now.

It's sort of like, 'cause I'm going into anaphylactic shock.

[laughs]

[Tom] ♪ How is the summer ♪

♪ Already over ♪

♪ When it only just began... ♪

If it doesn't all fit in the barns...

Tarp it. Stack it up, tarp it, and feed it first.

-Just right outside the barn. -Yep.

[Tom] Ultimately, if I just have the two animals, then...

every year, I'm gonna have twice as much as I need.

Eventually, I'm not gonna have anywhere to put it.

So, I need to get more animals or sell the hay.

Yeah, get a couple cows.

Get a couple cows. That'd be cool.

♪ We were so in love ♪

We lost one.

♪ So, why did today come so fast? ♪

♪ Now, you're the only one I'm thinkin' of ♪

Look how excited they are. They know this is hay, right?

-Oh, yeah. -Should I give 'em one?

Yeah!

Nice.

Holy crap. Well, that's probably about a quarter of it, I'd say.

This is actually fun. I mean, I'm tired, but I like it.

I haven't really worked this hard in... ever.

[laughs]

♪ One more chance Just give me one more chance ♪

[grunts] Heavy one.

♪ I promise you ♪

Ohh!

♪ I'll make it right... ♪

[audience cheering]

Welcome to the stage, Tom Green!

[audience cheering]

I think my mom wants me to have a kid. I don't have any kids.

I might still have a kid. I think I'm gonna wait until I'm 60 to have a kid.

[laughs]

Wait till I'm 60 to have kids. That's what I want to do.

'Cause then, I'll just know the kids when they're nice. Right?

[laughs]

I'll just know 'em before they become assholes.

[laughs]

I'll see the first steps, I'll hear the first words.

They'll go to school, they'll go to college,

they'll ask for money for college and then I'll die.

Perfect timing. Perfect timing.

[audience laughs]

People with kids always come up to me. They say, "Tom,

you gotta have a kid. Best thing I ever did."

Yeah, of course you're gonna say that about your irreversible decision.

[audience laughs]

You know. I can just tell they're trying to sucker me into their nightmare.

You know?

[country music]

This is gonna be great, Shane.

Tom will be horrified or pleasantly surprised.

Have you ever seen his bit that he did when he painted our house plaid?

[Shane] I don't recall seeing that.

[Mary Jane] He painted the front of our house while we were away on a canoe trip.

It's payback time.

Yeah, this is gonna be a lot of fun.

How 'bout I make the first stripe.

Sure, just hold tight about 12 inches away and give her a spray.

Oh, there you go.

A straight line, Dick.

Yeah, that looks pretty good.

If you want to start another line about here going across.

-Okay. Bombs away! Whoo! -There ya go! Hey!

Okay, Tom, look out. You're gettin' a van painted plaid, buddy.

Wow, what a lucky guy!

Payback's a bitch.

[Shane] That's good application, right there.

-I'm an artist. -[laughs]

I wonder if Tom had this much fun painting our house.

Yeah, he had to use a brush, didn't he?

-[laughs] -Oh, my God, poor guy.

-[Mary Jane] Look at that, it's gonna be bright.

[Shane] Yeah, it's a really bright red.

Try to get it evenly between.

Here we go.

There you go.

-[Richard] Wow. -Keep moving.

-Oh, Tom will be so happy. -Oh, yeah, yeah.

We might be getting a little bit on the...

What's going on?

-What is going on here? -Hey, guys, how's it going?

Maybe I should give it a whirl.

-[Mary Jane] You want to give it a whirl? -That's it.

-[Richard] Oh, look at that. -[Mary Jane] Oh, I think so.

Hopefully, we get her done. It's a great day for van painting.

With a van, you got to be careful you don't get van-ereal disease.

-[laughs] -Van-ereal...

[country music]

So, we can just go ahead and take this off?

Yeah. So, we're gonna take off all the tape and the paper there.

Make sure we get it off in time, before he shows up.

We gotta hurry, Dick.

-Well, that's the idea. -[Richard] Oh.

[Shane] Have to pick up the pace a bit.

[Mary Jane] Uh-oh. Hey, Dick, Tom's here.

[Richard] I'm still working on the paper.

[Mary Jane] Oh, he could...

What's goin' on?

Oh, nothing. We're just hanging out with some friends.

[Richard] Hey, Tom!

Hello.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, God.

We have a little surprise.

You're a lucky man.

[Mary Jane] We knew how much you liked plaid.

[Richard] How many people go away and have their car painted for them?

Stand back here and take it in in all its glory.

Yeah, look back here. It's plaid.

Ha, ha, ha.

[Mary Jane] Container to do it.

[Richard] Yeah, Shane was, uh, did the artwork.

-[Tom groans] -[Richard laughs]

At least there's not pornography on it.

[Richard] Your mother wouldn't let me do that.

It's funny, it's funny. I admit it's funny.

I think he doesn't like it, which might be good.

I think I'm reacting better than you did when I did it to you.

Your car is gone.

My car is gone.

I did all the lawn too.

-I watered the plants. -My car.

[Richard and Mary laugh]

Your car... my car... I'm taking the car.

Okay. [laughs]

Thank you, thank you. It's very funny. Very funny.

Oh, good, I'm glad you like it, Tom.

-Funny, funny. -I'm glad you like it.

Thank you, thank you.

It took us more than 30 years to get back at you, but...

Yeah. I deserve it.

-Yeah. Yes, you do. -You definitely do.

-You deserve more than that. -You deserve it.

[Tom] This all went pretty seamlessly, moving back to Canada.

Getting this farm. Isn't it kind of amazing how it all came together?

[Mary] It is amazing. Do you miss Los Angeles?

I don't miss Los Angeles, no.

-No, eh? -Twenty years was enough.

-I'll go back and visit. -Yeah.

I like to get up in the morning and just be outside. I love it.

No, it is nice out here, Tom.

I have great parents

-that showed me to... -I'll drink to that.

...showed me the way of the world and set me up right in life,

so that I could succeed enough to be able to find a nice place to settle down, huh?

I lived in LA for 20 years and I never felt at home.

I've been back here for just a very short period of time,

I already feel like I'm home.

-Oh, really? -You're a lucky man.

Yep. Thank you, guys. Thank you.

♪ I don't know What we're gonna sing about tonight ♪

-♪ All I know ♪ -Go this way. Come on.

♪ This is gonna be all right ♪

♪ And I don't know What I'm gonna do with my life ♪

♪ All I know We ain't going down without a fight ♪

♪ And I got a feelin' tonight I'm gonna smoke too many cigarettes ♪

♪ You can take that bet ♪

♪ And I got a feelin' ♪

♪ This whisky will be healin' What makes me sad ♪

♪ Don't feel bad ♪

♪ Stay awake till the morning light ♪

♪ It has just arrived ♪

♪ This one and only life ♪

♪ It's just a ride ♪

♪ It's just a ride So, let's get her done tonight ♪

♪ Let's get her done tonight ♪

♪ Let's get her done tonight ♪

♪ Let's get her done tonight ♪

♪ Take it away ♪

Yeah!

Whoo!

♪ Let's get her done tonight ♪

♪ Let's get her done tonight ♪

♪ Let's get her done tonight ♪

♪ Let's get her done tonight ♪

Ooh-wee!

A one, two, three, four.

Whoo! Yeah! That's right.

♪ Heading home to the country ♪

♪ To a place I've always been ♪

♪ Goodbye, California And all the things I've seen. ♪