All language subtitles for Think Like a Man (2012)_track4_[eng]

From the beginning of mankind
and throughout the world's history...

...there have been clearly defined rituals
of manhood.

See, these rituals were definitive...

...in determining the exact moment
when a boy became a man.

For example, there's the moment
when a boy joins the other men...

...in his first engagement in battle.

Did you know they used to have public
circumcisions in front of the village?

Thank God mine didn't go public.

And the most significant moment of all,
marriage.

That's right, I said it.

In fact, marriage used to be
the ultimate goal of boys and men.

Because in the old days...

...it was the only way a guy could get
what he really wanted from a girl.

See, now, today?
Things have changed, people.

I mean, men, we don't have to work
as hard to get what we want.

We got the Internet, for God's sake.
I can be whatever I want on the Internet.

Today, men have
the home court advantage...

...which has left you ladies
with several different types of men.

I mean, I don't even know where to start.
You got the Player.

Hi, Zekey.

You sexted?

- Those aren't mine, asshole.
- You sure that's not....

Wait a minute, I'm not done.
You got the Mama's Boy.

Happy, Valentine's Day, sweetie.

And you too, Mom.

Thank you, sweetie.

I think I'm just gonna
leave you two alone.

Wait, where are you going?

It's okay, Michael. I don't want to intrude.

- I'll call you?
- Or not.

Poor little thing.

She's blond.

You got the Dreamer.
The Dreamer's funny.

So I quit my job.

Yeah.

I wanna be a chef.

You wanted to be a paramedic,
you wanted to be a PR agent, and now...

...you wanna be a chef?

Baby, it's my dream.

Really, Dominic? Because I wanted
to be a ballerina and Janet Jackson.

When I was seven.
Do you know what I wanna be now?

No.

Your ex.

And last but not least, you got
the Non-Committer. Pass the ball!

This one is from me.

All right, baby.

- All right! Now it's a party. Drum roll.
- Okay, big guy.

Oh, my God. I will, I will, I will, yes!

You will what?

Earrings...

...that I will always treasure.

- You the man, boy.
- Told you.

- Yo!
- You need a beer?

Now I'm not saying there aren't
a lot of good men out there.

Take, for instance,
the Happily Married Man.

Which brings us to my personal favorite,
you got the Happier Divorced Guy.

Look at that smile.

What I'm saying is,
the balance of power has shifted.

But, Zeke, those aren't
my only issues with Gail.

It's the nagging, it's the yelling,
it's the crazy mood swings.

I mean, you're not gonna talk to me
no kind of way. I'm a grown-ass man.

- Grown-ass man.
- You know me, Dom, I'm grown.

Them weren't the only problems you
was having with Gail, though, right?

- Yo, Zeke, do not get that man started.
- I'm asking a question!

No, let's get me started up.
Turn the key! Say it, get it out!

Rumor has it that Gail
was whooping that ass.

What's the first word you said?

- I think it was "whooping that ass."
- No, first word you said was "rumor."

Because that's what it was, Zeke.
It's a rumor.

Ced, you walked in the gym the other day
with a little nugget in the side of your eye.

I fell down the steps, Mike! Okay?
I got steps, my steps got a slope in them.

You ever walked down a slope
with dress shoes on?

Wait, so she kicked your ass,
then you fell down the steps?

- See, now it makes perfect sense.
- That's real funny.

Look at the white man trying to make light
of the relationship issues...

- ...of a brother.
- It's not like that.

No, it is like that.
Let me tell you something, J.

Black people marched and died for the
right to fight and treat each other like shit.

- Oh, my God.
- You did not march.

You do not have that right.
Neither do you, Bennett.

I saw it on TV. They show
those marches a lot in February.

- Stop.
- Your wife kicked your ass.

It's really not that big of a deal.

- There's worse things.
- It's my ex-wife. Okay?

Y'all need to get in the habit
of saying that. Ex-wife.

You know, it really kills me
how y'all like to laugh at my pain.

I can't wait till y'all experience
the shit I'm experiencing.

I say Rush Street, first round on Bennett.

I'm supposed to have dinner
with Kristen tonight.

She'll understand, she's cool.
I'll send her a text.

Welcome back, everybody.

We are still here with
best-selling author Steve Harvey.

Well, what I try to get women to
understand is that times have changed...

...but your playbook hasn't.

I've gotten thousands of letters
from all kinds of women...

...who can't find a man, keep a man,
or get what they want from their man.

Until you understand how a man loves...

...how a man operates, how he thinks...

...until you get into the mindset
of a man...

...you will never win with us
in the game of love.

Well, we certainly want to win with you
in the game of love, Steve.

- We have a question in the audience.
- Hi, Steve.

I've been living
with my boyfriend for five years...

...and he says that he loves me,
and he's fully committed.

I guess what I want to know is how come
he hasn't popped the question?

He hasn't popped the question
because you haven't required him to.

We'll be right back.

RUSH STREET

- Can I get two beers?
- Hey!

I'm Cedric. Cedric, Cedric.

Yeah, I'm not married.
That's why I'm not wearing a ring.

I'm sorry, but Jesus has my heart.

Yeah, no, no, no, I get that.
I love Jesus too.

I talked to him today, I was like,
"Jesus," I said, "I need a girl!"

And I get here and I see you,
so I was like, "Thank you."

You see Ced over there trying
to pull that PYT?

Oh, she bad as hell.

See, thinking like that, you lose
the game before you even step in.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm gonna go on and leave.

She's crazy. And I don't like her knees.

Excuse me, Miss,
I noticed that you were....

Honestly, I couldn't care less
about whatever it is you have to say.

And I can appreciate that.

I just know that I've seen you here before
and you're usually so stunning....

And you'll always have those memories.

In fact, why don't you walk away
and pretend this....

I don't know what I did
to make you so defensive.

All I'm saying is, whatever it is,
it's no reason to let yourself go, that's it.

Let myself go?

I didn't mean any disrespect....

- Let me tell your tired ass something.
- Something's changed.

Usually, there's an aura, there's a glint
about you that I'm not seeing.

And I don't know if it's a relationship
or if it's job related, it's just....

Is that it?

It's work-related?

Well, to be honest...

...I was laid off from my job
about two months ago.

- This damn economy.
- How'd it go?

Not good, man.

I literally have nothing to say anymore.
I don't know what's going on.

And my breath ain't right.

- Drink a beer.
- You smell it?

You can't let that steal your smile,
because that smile I'm talking about...

...that's gonna get you that next CEO gig,
you get it?

See now? See? You're smiling.

Now I'm smiling.

I'ma walk away from here like a fairy now,
because I'm all happy.

- A fairy?
- Yeah.

- Have a good evening.
- Thank you.

Got shot down.

Wait.

She calling him back
for another episode of crazy.

Here.

She probably shot him down. Twice.

Crazy, right? Talking about Jesus and
she don't speak English and stuff, right?

Luck of mine.
She actually gave me her damn number.

The Dark Knight strikes again.

How great is Kristen, man?

- Nice.
- She's a phenomenal girl.

I just don't understand
why she's with this dude.

- Nobody does.
- How good is your credit?

It's up. Low 400s, 430?

Goddamn! A 430?
You can't even get a Discover Card!

Don't white people start off
with a 500 credit score?

Five-fifty, 475 if you're a mulatto.

Cedric!

Yes, Gail.

Gail, listen to what I'm trying to say!
Gail, I don't care!

I don't care what you take out the garage!
You can take the whole damn garage.

Let me tell you something. Here's what
I want, and this is what's-- Hello?

Gail?

Y'all, I swear....

She didn't let me finish my sentence.
I don't like that.

Hey, Ced.
When's the divorce gonna be final?

Goodness, if I had to guess,
I'd say like four weeks, 367 hours...

...22 minutes, 32 seconds.

That's just a guess.

- Who's counting?
- But you know what we should do?

We should take Cedric out
for celebration game night.

I can't do Sunday. This Sunday, dinner
with my ma. Little casserole action.

- That's every Sunday.
- I can't do Sunday either.

Jonah's got a violin recital.

My God, dude,
your kid has way too many recitals.

Wait a minute, hold on, wait.
Your son play the violin?

- And the cello.
- Yo, he's gay.

- Playing the violin doesn't make him gay.
- Yes, it does.

- Name me one gay violinist.
- Your son.

Listen to this. Cedric is about to be
released from the shackles of Gail-Hell.

Forever. And we're about to miss it
for what? Another Jonah recital.

- By the way, he sucks.
- Really?

I'd expect that from them, not you.

- What do you mean, "them"?
- Like what, like black people or what?

Absolutely.

I don't get mad
because he's bold enough to say it.

Seriously, you have ears. Kid's tone-deaf.

This is his big solo.
They're playing the Gap Band.

You know, Dropped a Bomb on Me,
and he's got the last... "Baby!"

Look, I got a great idea.
I'll have my mom cook for us.

She'll make some chocolate chip cookies,
a big casserole. We'll do it the right way.

Mike, I almost punched you
in your damn face just now, man.

And I was gonna add a head butt.

I'm not going over your mom house
to celebrate my damn divorce party!

- We gotta eat. We can start there....
- I don't wanna eat with your mom!

I ain't going over his mom house.

Look, she just got the new Tyler Perry,
For Colored Girls on Blu-ray.

We'll just have a nice little fellas night,
a chill-out night.

Let me tell you what happens,
Janet Jackson gets AIDS at the end...

...and some crazy guy throws his kids
out the window. You good?

- Can we party now? Let's do it!
- I hate you.

- All right, put them up!
- Yes, sir.

Fine, I'm in, man.

Life is great, fellas. May it never change.

None of us could have known that
the first bomb had been dropped.

The war had been declared.

And hard-worn secrets had now fallen
into the hands of the enemy.

ACT LIKE A LADY,
THINK LIKE A MAN

We had been betrayed
by one of our own. A man.

I'm talking about a man with a penis.

Someone who should know better.

And because of those actions,
a blitz was now on its way...

...that would affect
my entire Band of Brothers.

We have another question
in the audience, Steve.

Steve, I keep hooking up with guys
who don't want a relationship.

- Why don't you stop hooking up?
- Did you hear that?

Listen, men respect women
who have standards. Just get some.

Exactly.

Steve, I'm a partner in my law firm,
I own my own home...

...but I've been single for three years.

Why can't I seem to find a man
to live up to my standards?

Maybe you need to adjust them
a little bit.

- Bullshit.
- Are you saying that we should settle?

Look, you make six figures.
Does he have to?

Yes.

You own your own home.
Does he have to?

Yes and yes.

We have another question here
in the audience.

Hi, Steve. I'm currently dating
and I just wanna know...

...when is the right time for me
to introduce my man to my kid?

I know that single women
don't want to have a parade of men...

...coming through the house.

- Exactly!
- I get that.

- But if a guy is a serious contender...
- What up, Mama?

Excuse you?

- ...bring him in as soon as possible.
- Morning, Mom.

Because if you invest six months in a
man and then introduce him to the kids...

...and he's not feeling the kids,
or vice versa...

...then guess what?
You just wasted six months.

That's true. Did that.

Alex?

Alex?

Alex!

Wake up!

Look, babe,
I got us two double-shot lattes.

- Thanks, baby.
- Here.

Figured we needed some caffeine
after last night.

It was amazing.

I'm gonna go and freshen up.

So I'll be right back.

I'll be right here.

- Don't move.
- Don't worry, I won't.

So babe, I was thinking maybe
we could go on our first real date.

- We could go see a movie?
- Yeah, babe.

We should do that. Things between us
are gonna start getting real serious, baby.

Okay, so I was thinking maybe we could
go see the new Tyler Perry movie.

You know, the one where the guy's,
like, mean to his girlfriend...

...and a nice guy comes and rescues her
and at the end, they both find Jesus.

Alex? So yes to the Tyler Perry movie?

Alex!

Michelle
It was fun

"Michelle"?

It's Mya, asshole!

Mya.

Did this nigga take my coffee?

It was like some long-hidden truth
had finally been released...

...in hardcover and paperback.

For my book club.

- For me!
- For my mom!

For the first time in their lives,
women all over...

...stopped turning to other women
for relationship advice.

Really?

- I got one too many.
- Thank you.

Instead, they went straight to a man,
Steve Harvey.

He had made his name as a comedian,
but this shit here? This wasn't funny.

And because of this,
things would never be the same.

BARNES & NOBLE

"The Mama's Boy" vs.
"The Single Mom"

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Yeah, hi. Hey, did you by any chance
go to Fairfax High?

Yes.

I went there as well. Michael Hanover.

- Candace Hall.
- Yeah, I remember.

I had classes with your sister Lisa.

- Next in line.
- I'm sorry, I don't recognize you.

Well, yeah, I was, like, five feet tall,
99 pounds when we graduated.

I had the glasses and the buck teeth.

That look familiar, maybe down here?

Yeah, you do.

I don't know if that's a good thing
or a bad thing. You dissing me already?

Well, you've grown up. Quite nicely.

And you haven't changed a bit.
You look amazing.

Well, you need to put those
glasses back on, obviously.

No, actually, I'm nearsighted.

Besides, I mean, how could I forget
my teenage crush?

I used to look at you
walk down the hallway...

...and just fall into your smile.

I'm rambling,
I do that when I get nervous.

Next in line.

Well, it was nice meeting--
I mean, seeing you.

It's nice finally being seen.

Next in line, please.

Candace?

Could we go grab a cup of coffee
or something?

We could maybe catch up
on old times we never had.

I can't, actually. I have to pick up my--

- Husband?
- No...

- You got a boyfriend?
- No, I have a son.

Well, how about dinner?

Yeah.

"The Non-Committer" vs.
"The Girl Who Wants the Ring"

- I finally get it.
- Get what?

Getting Jeremy to propose is like
getting Jeremy to paint the kitchen...

...or put the toilet seat down.

It's not gonna happen
until I require him to.

And I haven't required him
to do a damn thing.

You know we still go halfsies
on everything?

- I thought that was your idea.
- Yeah, in college.

He was work study
and I felt sorry for him.

And I am still paying for it, to this day.

Hey, I'm Kristen.

- Hi, welcome.
- Welcome, please sign in.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you. Six months.

Yeah, and we can't wait.

Thank you.

Here, come on.

- Watch your step.
- See, that is a man with a plan.

He knows what he wants,
he knows what he has.

I sell beautiful homes for a living,
and we live in a frat house for the boys.

Last Valentine's Day,
the boys were there.

So you're saying, you're--

My God, I'm one of the boys,
except I have a vagina!

I swear to God,
Frodo Baggins had it easier.

- I'm sorry, who?
- Frodo, from The Hobbit.

I don't do hobbits.

Right, no, me neither. That's so lame.
Jeremy had a chess set.

- It's totally stupid.
- Okay, so what are you gonna do?

You're gonna trick him
into giving you a ring?

I'm not gonna trick him.
I'm going to require him.

It's been nine years.

So, what makes you think
it's gonna change now?

I've got some new information.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, because Steve says
"Don't hate the Player."

Change the game.

It's your shot. Wait!

You gotta raise your left leg.

H-O, you're a ho.

Really? I'm a ho?

I've been with the same woman
for nine years.

I'm the Stedman Graham of relationships,
all right?

Bro, I'm not saying ho like "whore."

I'm saying ho, like punk bitch
that's been henpecked...

...so he ain't got no more nuts,
because his girl runs the house.

- Speaking of which, how's Kristen?
- She's incredible.

We were up till 2:00 a.m. playing
Call of Duty last night. She loved it.

She doesn't. She does it for you.

I know my woman, okay? Fantasy?
Science fiction? Action figures?

- All the stuff I love, she loves too.
- No, she does that shit...

...for you, trust me.
Deep down inside, she's thinking:

This is some silly-ass shit.

What the hell?

No wonder Jeremy hasn't proposed yet,
he hasn't gone through puberty.

It's time for a little spring cleaning.

You first.

No, no. That's your problem, Gail.

You don't never want to listen,
you just want to talk.

What'd I say?
I said I'm gonna be there tomorrow.

No, no, no. Listen, Gail...

- I'm not gonna go back and forth with you.
- Oh, man.

Because I'm trying to talk and you ain't
gonna let me say what I-- Hello?

Gail?

Did it again. Hung up on me again.

What do you call
the three rings of marriage?

No clue.

The engagement ring, the wedding ring,
and the suffer-ring.

Oh, and, in your case, the beating.

This is not the time. You know,
y'all underestimate me because I'm short.

No, it's because you a fool.

What up? What's happening, baby?

The hell's wrong with you?

- You're stoned.
- Yeah, you're high!

Either you're high, or everything
on my eHarmony profile is true.

I'm high off life, gentlemen.

I met this girl.

No, matter of fact, she's not even a girl.
I met a woman.

But you are a woman.

"The Dreamer" vs.
"The Woman Who Is Her Own Man"

Order up!

Hey, guess who's back. Table eight.

She is way out of your league, Dom.

Ain't no such thing, playboy.

All right, she probably spends more here
in one night than you make in a month.

That's true, but, you know, just think
how much she'll save if I cook for her.

Oh, you crazy.

Dominic. Scallions?

All right, Chef, coming up.

- Well, you look cute. What's going on?
- I do?

- Yes.
- Thank you, that was nice of you.

Just, you know, Duke made Little League,
got a new laptop, met a guy.

I think I'm gonna try the white sea bass.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Met a what?
- A guy.

A real one? Not a blow-up doll?

Okay, don't look so surprised.
It's not that--

Honey, I'm just saying,
it's been two years since your divorce.

And three, maybe four,
since you had sex.

I said I met a guy, Lauren,
I didn't say I was changing my last name.

Yet.

I need all the details, honey. Now. Spill it.

- Is she hot?
- Pure fire.

Does she got real big titties?

Yeah, what's the rack like?
Tell us about the rack.

The rack. Definitely some white boy shit.

It is white boy shit. We love breasts.

You're not even white, Bennett.
You're clear.

- He's got kind eyes. Soulful.
- Yes!

He's sensitive.

I know she got a fat ass.

She got that J.Lo,
Serena Williams mash up.

Ass so big, I could hide underneath it
if it was raining.

- That's way too much ass.
- No such thing.

Damn right, it ain't.
The bigger, the better.

But it wasn't just a physical attraction,
it was intellectual.

He loved
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.

He bought one for his mom's book club.
Isn't that sweet?

- Yeah, and kind of gay.
- He's a gentleman.

- Yo, she a ho. I know she a ho.
- Oh, definitely a ho.

Both of you, you both watch your mouth,
all right? This one's not a ho.

She's a lady.

- Whipped already.
- Enjoy it while it lasts, Mike.

Let me tell you something,
it ain't gonna last forever.

They all start out happy.

See, but here's when it gets real.

When you wake up in the morning,
and you go in the living room...

...and you catch her pissing
inside of your Jordans.

And not the regular Jordans.

I'm talking about the ones
with the patent leather on the side...

...where the pee don't come out.

Don't listen to them, Mike.
Relationships are beautiful.

- Just saying.
- So when are you guys going out?

Saturday night.
She got to find a sitter, first, and then--

- What, like a dog sitter?
- No, she has a son.

- What?
- She has a child.

All right, well,
be careful dating a baby mama.

- Why?
- Because she's the baby mama.

Dude, she ain't looking for a couple
laughs and some butt-naked sex.

She been a couple laughs
and some butt-naked sex.

- Preach.
- She looking for a husband.

A father for her son. Speaking of which,
where's the baby daddy?

- Oh, good question, Zeke.
- Thank you.

Could be a psycho. Just got paroled
for killing her last boyfriend.

Or he could be one of those guys
that like to hide in a bush...

...waiting for a strange guy
to come to his baby mom's house.

And when he gets there,
he pops out the bushes...

...hits this guy on the back of the head
with a brick.

Without even realizing...

...that this guy's relationship
with his baby mom was platonic.

They ever catch that guy?

No, it's a cold case.
The cops won't even revisit the case.

They said they couldn't find the brick.

I'm just saying, I'm just saying.

- None of that matters.
- Really?

Because you should see her smile.

- Oh, shit. All right! Okay.
- Good night, Mike.

Talking to you about bricks!
You wanna go talk about a smile.

- There is one thing, though.
- I knew it, he was born a woman.

No.

- He's, you know, he's...
- He's what?

A little younger.

You have kidnapped a cub, haven't you?

No, I'll have you know,
he seems very mature, actually.

Wait a minute,
why am I getting all worked up?

We haven't even had a date yet.

I still need to qualify
if he's even a contender.

- Qualify?
- What are his long-term goals?

What are his short-term goals?
Can he provide?

Don't hit him with all that at once.

I know, don't worry. I intend to be stealth.

You? How?

By acting like a lady,
but thinking like a man.

Oh, you fell for that sexist crap?

He's actually giving insight
into a man's perspective.

Why should I have to lower my standards
to get a man? Who does that?

I'm sorry. Now, what man?

I just want my equal.

Okay? Or at least an attractive,
cultured man.

Who's over six feet tall, makes six figures,
and isn't intimidated by my success.

Okay, girl. Quit chasing the ghost
of James Merrill's past.

He is married and long gone.

That man was fine.

Here we go.
Let's do a little research, here.

- This is you.
- Please, I don't...

"Strong, independent,
and lonely women."

I don't need some bald-headed man
on a book...

...telling me I am strong and independent.

Honey, that's a given.

But you forgot lonely.

You are a bitch.

You're too strong, Lauren.

There's no such thing as too strong.
And you know what?

If I were a man, being the youngest COO
of a Fortune 500 company...

...would actually be a good thing.
Women would flock.

Yeah, but men flee
when you lead with that.

And it's not just your job, Lauren.

Remember what Marcel said
on your last date...

...after you trumped his wine choice?

- It was a better choice.
- What were his words again?

"You don't need a man, Lauren,
you are a man."

Happy belated birthday. For you.

I'm just saying, all this waiting for better?
It's making you bitter.

Hey, babe?

I stopped off for a beer,
but picked us up some dinner.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! My anime posters!
We got robbed!

Kris! Are you home?

Yes. Where's the fire? What's going on?

Have you not noticed
that we've been robbed?

I just tidied up a little bit. Relax.

- Tidied up?
- Yeah.

Justice League? Darth Vader?
SpongeBob?

Where are they? Are they okay?

They are safe. They're fine.

I just thought
we could paint the living room.

Paint.

- Okay.
- And redecorate.

- Redecorate?
- Yeah.

I thought you loved that stuff.
Why would you want to do that?

Because it looks like
we live in a frat house, Jeremy.

- Oh, stop it.
- We are adults, for Christ's sakes.

We make a decent living.

I think it's time to invest
and make this a real home.

With matching dishes and glasses...

...and a new couch.

Well, what's wrong with my couch?

Baby, you pulled it out of a dumpster.

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure Annalisa
was impregnated, like, right there.

It's got cigarette burns, bong spills,
there was the scabies scare of '06.

- You're being dramatic.
- No, I'm really not.

Your aunt who tinkles
when she laughs?

She pissed all over the couch
last Christmas.

It's disgusting. We're like animals.

I cleaned up the bong spill
and the cigarette burns.

This couch has history.

And now it is history.

So here are some new ideas.

I thought we could look it over.
Research some new styles.

Gotta zero in on a color palette.

I know you like mauve. You know?

There was that period you went through,
where you were partial to salmon.

Yeah, I'd rather watch Letters to Juliet
with you again.

I know you would. Because you cried
at the end when they got reunited.

I wasn't crying, okay?

I was having an allergic reaction
to the perfume in the theater.

You bought the soundtrack.

It's a good soundtrack.

Look, I'm really bad at this. Okay?

Please, can you do this?

- Without me?
- Really?

- Really.
- By myself?

Yeah.

- I trust you.
- Awesome.

Okay, let me ask you a question.

Where is the last guy that you slept with
in less than 90 days?

You mean John?

Hey! Baby!

What's up, girl?

Hey, I had a great time the other night.

- Oh, did you, Alex?
- Yeah, Melanie. I was gonna call you...

Melanie? It's Mya, negro.

Yeah. I gotta go. So I'll call you.

I know you did not just call her Melanie.

It's okay.
I'm not even gonna let him get to me.

I am in a better place
and I am on another level.

"The Player" vs.
"The 90 Day Rule Girl"

I don't know, Sonia.
I feel like I have x-ray vision.

Like, man goggles.

We spend all this time complaining...

...about how guys don't
want to be in relationships...

...they just want to hook up.

But really, all along, we've had the power.

Right. We have?

Yes! We control the cookie.

She who controls the cookie
controls the game.

Okay, I got it. What's the cookie?

- It's a metaphor.
- For what?

For....

- Yes. The cookie!
- The cookie!

I got it. The cookie!

I'm telling you, the power's in the cookie.

So how do we control the cookie?

By putting it in the cookie jar...

...clasping the lid on tight,
and leaving it in there.

Okay.

Until some little boy actually grows up
and earns it.

I get it.

It's kind of like when my cousin had
the five-date rule. It was similar to that.

Oh, no. That's child's play.

I'm thinking something
a little bit more radical.

See, this is why you need to get the book,
because it has a whole chapter on it.

"Getting The Respect That You Deserve:
The 90-Day Rule."

Are you high?

- No.
- Who is waiting 90 days?

If it's good enough
for the Fortune 500 company...

...it's good enough for me.

See, when I worked
at Ford Motor Company...

...there was a 90-day probation rule.

I had to be on the job for 90 days
before they gave me a benefit package.

Ford figured this,
"Let's see how he performs.

"If he comes in on time, if he proves
himself, then we'll give him benefits."

So if Ford Motor Company waits 90 days
to pass out their benefit package...

...why won't women wait?

You see, that's our problem.

It's that we keep giving it away to some
Axe body spray wearing man-ho...

...who thinks my name's Melanie.

But it doesn't matter,
because a girl's got needs.

Listen to yourself. Do you really think
you could wait 90 days?

Yes. I spent six months
dreaming about a guy...

...that I met once
at a wedding weekend.

The one you had sex with at the beach?

Yes, who never called.

Yeah, so,
I definitely think I could do 90 days.

Matter of fact,
I could do 90 days before 90 days.

I am so sick and tired of men.
Maybe I should start dating women.

My God, I'll give you 50 bucks
if you guys kiss.

- But there has to be tongue.
- Boy, get out of here!

Gave it a shot.

What is wrong with the men
of this generation? Like, what?

I ask myself that same question
every day.

Whatever happened
to respect for women?

Whatever happened to decorum?

May I have the honor of buying
you two lovely ladies a drink?

Absolutely. And thank you for asking.

- We would like--
- Why?

Is it that you crave
scintillating conversation?

Or that you want to discuss the politics
and nuances of the Chechnyan War?

You know, I don't really discuss politics
on the first encounter.

- And neither do we. This is why I'm--
- Oh, no, I know what it is.

It's the visual thing, right?

You saw me, you sexualized me,
you wanted to get into my pants?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, but then, what is it?
Because, you know, you don't know me.

I could be a psycho.

I could be a serial killer.
I could have 16 personalities.

- Let me get a Crown and Coke.
- Got you covered.

And 16 of whatever she's having?

My name is Zeke.

Mya.

Nice to meet you, Mya.

Day one, 89 more to go.

Order for table 16!

Dominic. Valet's slammed.
Go park some cars.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Hey, that's my car!

Who says you have to compromise?

Okay, where's the window?

Window. Window, window.

Not the final destination.

Door open.

Shit.

Hi.

If I didn't know any better,
I'd think you were following me.

No, just....

Just out for a drive, that's all.

Have a safe drive.

Well, wait.

You changed your mind?

You think I could take you
to dinner sometime?

How's tomorrow night?

We love the fact that you're a strong,
confident woman with a fabulous job...

...but we're men.

Our DNA is encoded to be the provider.

And if you don't ever let us feel like
we're in control and necessary...

...we're just not about
to profess our love to you.

I mean, we'll just find us a woman
who actually makes us feel like a man.

Yeah, a ho.

We're kind of like dogs, see, you pet us,
we'll be loyal to you forever.

Yeah, dogs. There you go, Steve.

I don't need that book.

Oh, yes! Yeah!

Oh, honey.
Jennifer's coming over tonight to babysit.

You're going to bingo with Grandma?

- No, actually. I have a date.
- Really?

With a man or a woman?

A man! Duke,
why would you even ask me that?

Because I overheard Grandma say that
she was beginning to wonder.

You know I'm cool either way.

Yo, sorry I'm late.

- Yo, Bennett, get in the game, let's go.
- What's up, man?

I had the best night
of my entire life last night.

- Is that right?
- Unbelievable.

- Check ball.
- I thought you got fired last night.

That's all right.
I'll make twice as much catering.

- All right. Play ball.
- Hope she's worth it.

What you gonna do with that?
What you gonna do with that?

Count it!

Over the back!

See, I'm taking her to The Lounge.

Maurice hooked me up
with a private room...

...and all I gotta pay for
is wine and a fat tip.

Nice. So you gonna be escorting her
in that 2005 Honda Civic...

...with the missing bumper
or that $155,000 car she think you drive?

I'm just gonna level with her, I guess.

And tell her what?
That you an unemployed prep cook?

Zeke, unemployed Culinary Institute
graduate. We talked about this.

- Yes, that's not my point.
- That's stupid.

That's dumb, Dom. You trying
to get some, you gonna have to lie.

Listen, one time I told Gail
I just won the lottery.

I need some gas money so I can
go redeem the ticket. She gave me $20.

Don't lie to her.

I don't want to lie to her.

Okay, hold up.
You don't have to lie. You omit.

Just, no, no, you omit.

You just tell her you're a high-end chef
that's in between gigs.

Your car's in the shop.

She think you drive
an expensive car...

...you're not driving it
because it's in the shop.

Matter of fact, my cousin, he got a
town-car company. I'll get you a town car.

So all you gotta do is wine her,
you dine her...

...you tattoo your name in that ass,
then you tell her the truth.

Gail thought I was an account executive
and I met her in the mail room.

I had mail in my hand.

Yeah, but you became
an account exec right after that.

That had nothing to do with Gail.

- She set up your interview.
- No, she didn't. Thomas did.

Don't cut me off, Mike.
That's what Gail do, I don't like that.

- Why's he so sensitive?
- All right, Dom, either way...

...once a woman's into you,
she'll put up with anything.

- Trust me.
- Only if you're putting it on her right.

All right. That's....

Come on, man.

- I'm gonna go clean the ball off.
- Bennett, just wipe it off.

No, I got some sanitizer in my bag.

Sorry, man. Wrong apartment.

That's my lucky chair.

What are you guys doing?

Baby! What do you think?

We spent the entire day at
H.D. Buttercup and we decided to go...

- ...with modern with a mix of vintage.
- "We"?

Yeah. Gianni, our designer.

Old out, new in, beautiful, eh?

I think it doesn't even
look like our place, babe.

Exactly,
it looks like grown-ups live here.

- I love it.
- Stop!

Put the chair down.

The lucky chair stays.

Compromise.

Fuck, what...? You speak Italian now?

Oh, my God.

- That's your dress.
- Yeah?

Your ass looks great in that dress.

No, it's too sexy.

There's no such thing.

Sonia, I want him to last 90 days,
not 90 seconds.

I want to project "Keeper,"
not "Sports Fish."

Okay, what the hell is a sports fish?

See, this is why
you need to read the book!

I don't want to read the book.

Steve says that a guy only fishes
for two reasons.

Number one, he fishes to eat.

That means he's looking for a keeper,
somebody to take home...

...somebody to introduce to his mom,
somebody to build a life with.

Or two, he's looking for a sports fish.

That means he's looking for a trophy,
somebody to show off to his buddies...

...put up on the wall as a prize.

But you gotta be careful with that one,
because he's gonna throw that one back.

Okay.

Okay.

How do I look?

Like a keeper. With a great ass.

- Yeah?
- Yes!

Right. Now, the question is, is he?

Now I just need my hit list.

Now, what the hell is a hit list?

Will you get your wine off my hit list?

Girl, you're crazy.

This is where I wrote down my strategic
dos and don'ts for my date tonight.

Okay, you know you sound like
you're going to war, right?

- Yes, girl, because love is a battlefield.
- Oh, boy.

Steve says you have to set
the requirements very high...

...before you even get in the car...

...because you don't want
to become Chirp-chirp Girl.

A what?

Chirp-chirp.
He just hits the locks and you hop in.

He don't even have to open the door.

I don't see nothing wrong
with being a Chirp-chirp Girl.

You look beautiful.

Thanks.

Amazing.

Sweet!

Where to?
Goddamn, look how small your skirt is.

Right. Unprofessional.

Sorry, sir, take it out of my tip.

It's open.

It's open.

I don't go out on dates with guys
who don't open the door for me.

- Really?
- Really.

- Seriously?
- Yes.

Aw, man!

No, he didn't.

Got you!

Your chariot awaits.

Thank you.

Funny guy, huh?

I do okay.

Look, I think there's a few basic questions
that every woman should ask a man...

...to determine two things:
If this guy has a plan for you...

...or if this guy
is just gonna play with you.

My short-term goals?

What, you mean like tomorrow?

- I need a bong hit.
- To answer your question...

...I guess my long-term goals
and short-term goals are the same thing.

How so?

Well, my entire life, it's always been
about hard work and improving myself...

...and I guess
what I'm looking for now is...

...you know, someone I can share it with.

- So--
- So have you--

You go ahead, you go. You go.

What are your short-term goals?

You know what? I'd like to skip dinner
and get right to dessert.

That's where it started...

- ...you know?
- Really?

This is a great choice.

Thank you. Thank you.

So Lauren, tell me more about yourself.
What do you do?

I'm in management.

For a media company. Yeah.
But I don't wanna talk about me, my work.

Long week.

So tell me about you. What do you do?

I'm a chef.

Really? Where?

Well, I'm actually...

- ...deciding between two different offers.
- That good, huh?

Yeah. But I don't wanna--
I kinda don't want to jinx it, you know?

No, I get it. No, don't, you shouldn't.

Okay, you know what?
Let's not even talk about work anymore.

Yeah, let's not.

So, what are your views on relationships?

Or your long-term goals. Either one.

To be honest, I really want to open
my own restaurant one day.

Sorry, that's work.

No, that's a dream.

We can talk about dreams.
Dreams are good.

It's nice to hear a woman
actually say that.

I just believe you can make
any dream come true...

...if you're willing
to work hard enough to get it.

I couldn't agree with you more.

- Cheers.
- Salud.

Remember when we were in college
and we used to get...

...so high and talk for hours?

Yeah.

Like about our dreams,
and like our plans and our goals.

And time travel.

Like, what do you think about
the future, Jeremy?

I don't think we'll be riding around
in hovercrafts or anything, but droids.

Definitely droids. There better be droids.

No, I mean, like your future, Jeremy.

What are your long-term goals, Jeremy?

Who are you, Oprah?

You're funny.

I just have this amazing idea
of a rocker, chic kinda look...

...so, it's really exciting.

- No, that is exciting.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

So...

...what are some of your long-term goals?

Kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants
kind of guy, you know?

Oh, okay.

That's cool.

Oh, turn that up.
Turn that up, turn that up.

That is my-- Yeah.

- You know these guys?
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

My band opened for them once.

You have a band?

Had.

Had a record deal for a second.

Let me hear your CD. Come on!

What makes you think that I have a CD?

I don't know anybody who's been
in an R&B band...

...who doesn't have their own CD
in their car.

Wow, I feel so unique right now,
it's crazy.

- That's why you're reaching for it.
- Yeah.

Let me see it.

Wow!

That is crazy.

Hey, at least I didn't have a Jheri curl.

What?

Play me your favorite track.

Wow.

Please say a command.

CD. Play track...

...seven.

Playing track seven.

Last night I had a dream about a dream

About you

You wrote this?

Now every time I think it seems to be
About you

This is beautiful.

One minute I was over love

A second later I was a part of us

Who was she?

Who?

The girl who broke your heart.

What makes you think
a girl broke my heart?

Track seven.

I left that all on the track.

Last night I had a dream about a dream
About...

Oh, my God.

- Okay. Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- What's wrong, what's wrong?

It's just--
I don't do this on the first date.

Okay, I understand.

I'm a Christian too.
I respect that, you know, and--

I had a really wonderful time.

Me too.

Well, thanks.

- There. I accomplished it.
- Accomplished what?

My real short-term goal.

You dog.

So listen.

I've been thinking about this all night.
I want you to meet my mother.

- Really?
- It would really mean a lot to me.

Well...

...I'd like you to meet my son.

I would love that.
Just name the time and place--

Hi, I'm Duke. Did you touch my mama?

Whoa, no.
It was PG, little homey, not even PG-13.

Sure. You like video games?

Have you ever
played Street Racer Three?

- No.
- Then you haven't lived, my man!

You have a good night,
all right, Candace?

Good night. Thank you.

- It's nice to meet you, Duke. Make sure--
- Nice to meet you too.

I really had a nice time tonight.

I had a really good time too.

Okay, okay, okay.

This is officially good night.

Okay, you know what?
I could use a nightcap.

- A nightcap.
- Yeah.

Yeah. There's this really nice bar
around the corner.

- You should have fun.
- What-- So it's like that?

You have no idea.

So how long are we talking
before I get invited up?

Five dates.

For a nightcap.

Good night.

This bitch is crazy.

Morning, beautiful.

Hi.

Thanks.

- I made you breakfast.
- Seriously?

Yeah.

- From my kitchen?
- Let me take that.

It's a simple eggs Florentine,
but with a twist...

...because I used the ingredients
from your Thai takeouts.

- Simple? This looks amazing.
- Well, let me know what you think.

This is so good.

Yeah? Well, I love a woman who can eat.

And I love a man who can cook.

Maybe you'll let me do it again
for you sometime.

Juice, please?

A little spicy?

Thanks.

Who's that?

That's my best friend, Candace.

- Okay.
- And my godson, Duke.

You know, you're not exactly what I
picture when I hear the word "godmother."

Thank God for that.

You let yourself in again, huh?

I didn't expect you to be here. I figured
you'd be tiptoeing around her place.

Well, first of all, I live here, not you.

And second, she has this five-date rule
before I get invited up.

Can you believe that?
I'm the Negro Gigolo, the original Nigolo.

Five dates? What, is she some type
of Farrakhan Muslim or something?

She's a diva.

She literally refuses to walk through
a door unless I open it for her.

Gail used to do that.
Gail used to get on my nerves with that.

"Get the door for me. How am I walk in
and you ain't open the door?"

"My hands hurt.
You better open that goddamn door!"

- That's why I'm gonna end it right now.
- Yeah, you need to.

Because you don't need her.
You got me, and what we got is special.

Open her door.

It's 2012.
Come around and open my door.

I don't know, Sonia,
I just felt like a different woman.

I felt so in control and strong, and--

- What about him?
- Well, I think--

Zeke - Are U available for dinner
tomorrow night?

It's him.

"Are you available for dinner
tomorrow night?"

- Well, are you?
- Well, I do believe that I am.

But I do not go out with guys
who ask me via text.

She trippin'.

You know, Gail always
suggested them egg whites...

...she said they was better for you.

Hey, can you put a shirt on
while you cooking, man?

Look at these hours.

What you come in here glowing
for like you're pregnant?

My boys.

Hey, you got some. Oh!
On the first date?

- Homey scored.
- Yeah, I did.

And I'm totally screwed.

We never once talked about my job.

- You really like him.
- I really do.

I don't even know how much he makes.

And you know what? I don't care!

I believe in his dreams.

She thinks I'm a chef on the rise.

With a cold-ass Benz.

And a sexy limo driver.
I looked good last night.

I had the hat cocked to the side.

Guys, she's going to run
when I tell her the truth.

Whatever you do,
you don't tell her the truth.

- Thank you.
- You delay.

Hell, I wouldn't tell her
until she was in her third trimester.

- Yeah, I can't do that.
- Dom, I know you, okay?

And you're trying to grow a conscience
here. Trust me on this one.

Honesty is overrated, man.
Hey, that's in the Bible. Old Testament.

I just don't want a relationship
based on lies.

That's called marriage.

Dom, you don't fool me. I know
what this is about. This is about sex.

You didn't do what you were
supposed to do in the bedroom.

That's why you walk through here
with your shoulders all slouched...

...and your self-esteem all low.

It's true. When you don't smash right,
the insecurities come out on you.

You know what he did? He gave it a LD.
Lazy Doodle. That's exactly what he did.

Right. You gotta put it down like
the right enforcement.

I can't do this no more. I'm done.
I'm done with this.

Like, dude, put a shirt on. It's us!
There's no one else here, just us!

So you're telling me she's got a son?

Yeah! Duke. He's six years old.
An amazing kid, full of energy.

That's an awful lot of responsibility,
baby.

Well, she's a really
responsible woman, Ma.

I'm not talking about her,
I'm talking about you.

You really think you got what it takes
to date a single mother?

Well, I was raised by
a single mother, wasn't I?

Oh, but I'm one of a kind, baby.

Trust me, Ma. You are going to love her.

Thank God!

Somewhere familiar.

Some place that hasn't changed,
that still looks the same.

Yo, J, what's wrong with you?

My Fortress of Solitude has morphed
into a damn Bed, Bath and Beyond.

- What does that mean?
- I'm telling you, he talks in code.

Listen, Kristen, she redecorated.

Redecorated? Why didn't you say that?

No, no, no, she didn't redecorate.
She obliterated.

Every trace of my identity, gone!
My anime posters...

...Battlestar Galactica shot glasses
that you used to like, it's all gone.

May I?

Wait a minute. She ain't even ask you?
She just threw your stuff out?

- That's some takeover shit right there.
- That's crazy.

I was starting to feel like someone else.

Someone warm and modern
with a smattering of vintage.

That's probably your lips tingling.
It's a STD.

You just put your mouth
on Zeke's drink.

- And she threw away my couch!
- Thank God!

Hail Kristen!

- That couch has a lot of memories, guys.
- Is that what that smell was?

- Yeah, all of us got laid on that couch.
- Twice.

- You had that couch since college, right?
- Yes!

That's some white boy shit.

- No, that's some Jeremy shit.
- No, that's some white boy shit.

I graduated college, I got rid of my couch.

What college did you go to?

DeVry, Class of February. Valedictorian.

Whose side are you on?

Ain't no brother on the planet
gonna let no fine-ass sista...

...sit on no stinky-ass couch from college.

- Preach, boy!
- It don't matter what happen...

...you go and you find a way to get
that furniture, figure how to pay for it later.

Yeah, don't do that, though. That's called
negro shit. Don't ever do that.

That is negro shit!

You guys do that a lot.
You pay for something you can't afford.

Ced, you couldn't even
afford your wedding!

I'm making my payments.

Listen, Kristen is a great girl.

Don't mess up something good
over a damn couch, all right?

Something's up.

The game was on...

...but not the one we were watching.

While we were sitting there on our asses
watching the game...

...our team was getting destroyed.

The other team was drawing up plays,
planning their strategies...

...and plotting their next moves.

Hey, you.

You still up?

I thought you were sleeping.

- I couldn't put this down.
- Yeah.

Jeremy didn't even know
he was under attack.

God, it was such a trip.
I ran into Sarah's little brother.

And he told me he got a job at Neversoft.

Cool.

Yeah.

Weren't you offered
an internship there once?

Yeah. Turned it down for a real job.

Right, yeah, that junior level one
that you're still in.

What?

My brothers didn't even know
they were at war.

They were lost in the honeymoon phase.

They were too busy enjoying the ride.

All right, who's hungry?

I'm hungry, but, babe, babe!

Damn! Look at that ass!

That's nice. She's hot.

Guys, come on,
that's somebody's daughter.

Wait, that's the baby mama?
That's Candace?

- That is Candace.
- I know the baby mama.

No, she's Lauren's best friend.

So apparently they play basketball
three times a week at the Y...

...and Dominic says that Michael
is the most successful guy he knows.

- Really?
- You scored!

I did well? You know what...

...Michael said Dominic
is a really amazing chef.

I know, I know! I love food.

- Oh, no, bitch.
- What?

We can double date.

- Oh, that's not good.
- That's not good at all.

- Let's go play basketball, guys.
- Yeah, let's do that.

Whatever you do, don't double date.

That's right. Damn, Ced.

Really?

I was in the middle of getting dressed.

J, you're losing the game for us!

- Me?
- Yo, you are killing us right now.

I'm setting screens,
you gotta be using the screens.

- You shot one for 27.
- The shot I made was a game changer, J.

That's it, I'm done. New teams next week.
I'm not being on his team anymore.

I'm not the one
that's not coming off the picks!

Excuse me, y'all done here?
We want to play some full court.

- Oh, yeah.
- Y'all take it.

No, no, no, we're not.

Got a lot more basketball
to play over here, fellas...

...so looks like you picked
the wrong court to try and come and take.

We just ran three games!

- Yeah, Ced, we're good.
- No, we're not.

We are not good. Sorry.

Yo, so y'all stepping off or what?

Yeah, we were stepping.
I was stepping on--

Stepping off? Who are you, Shaft?

How about you get some language
from this year?

So why don't you,
and the stronger version of Prince...

...go back down to that side of the court
and do what y'all was doing?

Because if y'all want the court,
you'll play us for the court like real men.

So y'all want to play for it.

You heard what I said.

Am I stuttering, huh? Suckers.

- They're not gonna punk us. We men!
- Ced.

- People come in here, think they got us.
- You are not serious.

I am serious. It is what it is.

Oh, shit.

I thought it was just two of them.
I did not see the rest.

Turn around and say you're sorry.

- It's too late. We're in it.
- Apologize.

No, I'm not apologizing for shit.
Michael, this is when you be a man!

All right, guys. If a game is what you
want, a game is what you gonna get.

- You wanna play?
- Ced, let him go!

- Cedric!
- What are you doing?

- You okay?
- Get up, get up.

So embarrassing.

- I really tried to take it.
- It was obvious.

I really did. I swear to God,
I gave it everything I had.

I sprained my esophagus in the last
game, so I'm gonna sit this one out.

Your esophagus is in your throat.

- Shut up, Bennett.
- Zeke, we need six.

Zeke! Forget Zeke,
we'll just have to play with five.

Listen, we are men. We tie
our shoes up the same way they do.

- Yeah, their shoes are bigger.
- It don't matter. Be a man!

When I come out this, you better say
who you got and you better mean it.

Let's go. D up.

I got her. Let's go. Get yours. I got mine.

We welcome you all
to the JW Marriott Los Angeles.

But then, the bubble burst.

For Dominic, the tables turned
on Tuesday afternoon.

- -the best year
in your company's history.

She is not just the youngest COO
you've ever had, but the very best.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lauren Harris.

Thank you.

Aw, shit.

- Mom? There you go.
- Hey!

Mom, I would like you to meet Candace.

Hi!

For Michael, the bomb dropped
on Wednesday.

I've heard so much about you.

Well, I've heard nothing about you!

We just talked about her last night
at dinner. What are you--

- Well, I don't remember.
- Mom, why are you--

I don't remember.

It's beautiful, your home.
Just gorgeous. It's great.

Oh, wow, look! Look at this,
I have this exact same frame for my son!

Oh, that's right,
you're the one with the child.

Now let me ask you, sweetie...

...what does your baby's daddy think
about you dating my Michael?

Or is he incarcerated?

You know, how you people run around,
I don't know.

Incarcerated? No, why would you--

Candace, would you like a tour
of the house?

Yeah, why don't we give Tandace
a tour of the house?

Candace. It is Candace.

Tan-- Tandace?

It's-- Candace, with a--

I can tell she really likes you.

- Come on, let's take a tour.
- Now come on, let's take a look.

- Just come on.
- Doesn't it tell a story?

I've tried to capture all the special
moments with me and my baby boy.

I bet you don't remember
when I got you that bracelet, though.

Outside of Paris, this little shop
with the cute little jewelry--

Remember that look on your face
when you opened up that box?

Yeah, I know, I know.

I thought we were in Milan.

No, we'd come from that restaurant--

Oh, baby, you're in my room.
It's where all the magic happens, girl.

- Wow.
- What do you think?

It's like a time capsule.

Oh, I keep everything the same for him,
for when he sleeps over.

You sleep over?

Just on Sunday nights, baby.
It's nothing.

And Sunday nights have always been
reserved for his mother.

And they always will be.

I make his favorite food,
and then we play rummy.

Mom is the best rummy player right here.

Come on.

I'm not gonna do it,
not in front of Candace.

Well, let me get your laundry.

Laundry?

Let me help you with that, Mom.
I need some more socks, Mom.

They stink!

But you know, I don't mind the stinking.
I just gotta scrub them a little more.

Scrubba-dub-dub.
Baby Michael in the tub!

MAMA'S BOYS

excessively attached to their mothers

he doesn't want to grow up

they just can't compete

Shit.

For Zeke,
the cookie crumbled on Thursday.

So the night is young.
What do you wanna do?

Well, it is our fifth date, right?

It is? I don't know, I lost count.

Did you really?

So nightcap?

Okay.

Yeah.

So it's kind of small, but I really got it
for the French windows...

...and because it's close to work.

- So--
- Stunning.

Yeah, maybe we should
get more comfortable.

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna put on some music.

Or you know what? Better yet,
maybe you should go ahead and choose.

Cool.

That vinyl?

Yeah, I'm a bit of a purist.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Don't leave. I mean--

Don't leave.

- I won't leave.
- Okay. All right.

Wow. You really are a purist.

How the hell did you get this on vinyl?

No.

So how do you take your coffee?

See, Zeke found out the hard way that
sometimes, a nightcap means just that.

A nightcap.

Three shots of Jack.

You're so silly.

Yo!

Oh, Ced, what you run outta this time?

I ain't had no milk.

Hey, let me ask you a serious question.
You think I look like Idris Elba?

Because the stripper down at the new club
Sweaty Crack told me that last night...

...but I had a lot of ones in my hand...

...so I don't know if she was trying
to play me or not.

Don't even answer. Don't worry about it.

Because it made me feel good
when she said it.

All right, looks like somebody
got invited in. How'd it go?

We had coffee.

- And?
- Mint Milano Cookies.

And?

And we talked and we talked
about our childhoods and art and music...

...and Plato's Allegory of the Cave.
What is Plato's Allegory of the Cave?

It's actually very profound.

On par with
Bishop Don Magic Juan's book...

...of pimp knowledge and street wisdom,
which is a very good read.

Five dates and all I get is a cup of coffee.
What is wrong with her?

Ain't nothing wrong with her.
What's wrong with you?

Looks like the old Negro Gigolo
is losing his flow.

I'm in a relationship without sex...

...when all I'm really trying
to get is sex without a relationship.

So when you gonna see her again?

Saturday night, nigga.
Mind your business.

Nice job.

Hey, Zeke, when you go upstairs,
you gonna look in the toilet...

...it's gonna appear to be stopped up,
I don't know for sure.

I just didn't know where
the plunger was...

...so don't be caught off guard
when you see it.

There's a lot.

- So we stayed up all night...
- Okay.

...and we talked about everything.

Did you keep the cookie
in the cookie jar?

- But of course.
- Nice.

I'm not gonna lie, though,
and say that it was easy.

I don't know, when he kissed me,
it was like sex.

So yeah, thank you
for your advice on the undies.

Which ones did you wear?

- The granny ones.
- The grandma drawers?

I told you the ugly panty trick would work.

- You wasn't trying to listen now.
- And it worked.

Now that it's not just a theory,
do you really think you can last 90 days?

Monique!

- It's Mya!
- Call me!

It's Mya, asshole!

Yeah. Yeah, I think
I can definitely do 74 more days.

Okay, Monique.

- I'm canceling the date.
- Why?

He's a part-time waiter.

May I remind you, Miss Thing,
that we were both waitresses...

...for two years at Olive Garden?

Candace, we were in college.

I'm talking about a grown-ass man...

...who admitted that he was valet-parking
the Benz he chased me down in.

It's kind of romantic.

It's kind of pathetic.

I thought you didn't care about
how much he made.

I thought you believed in his dreams.

- But not his pipe dreams. Come on!
- Okay, fine.

Dump the first guy
who puts you before anything else...

...because he doesn't make six figures.

Please, he doesn't even make four.

And I can't invest
that kind of time in something...

...that I know won't yield
tangible dividends.

Would you listen to yourself?

Dominic is a person, Lauren,
not a stock portfolio.

Like Steve Harvey says,
there's no such thing as the perfect man.

You have to compromise on something.
What do you have to lose?

My youth.

So wait. She just canceled on you?

She was about to.
Then she got interrupted by her boss.

- It's messed up.
- You know what?

Who needs her whole fancy presentation
and her board of directors?

I make an honest living
and I pay my taxes. Most of the time.

Let me tell you something, Dom.
I agree with you.

I'm an American too,
and I agree with your plight, brother.

I second that.

Yeah, we got your back.

- What's good with you, Mike?
- What up?

So how did it go between Candace
and your mom?

It was--

I'm slowing things down with Michael.

- Why?
- He already has a woman in his life.

Oh, that son of a bitch. Who is it?

- His mama.
- What?

My mom thinks she's nice.

Yeah, right. No woman has ever been
good enough for your mom.

You think the first one she gonna root for
is the baby mama?

- Good luck with that.
- Listen to this.

"Could we reschedule beach day?

I promised
to take my mom to choir practice."

I can't do that to myself again,
and I won't do that to Duke.

We both deserve a man who's all in.

Well, then set your standards.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm quoting
anything from that silly little book.

You tell Michael that you don't want
to come in between him and his mother...

...and that if he wants to continue
dating you...

...then you must be a priority in his life.

She's had him his whole life.
I can't compete with that.

Well, then dump the first man
you've met in three years...

...that genuinely cares about you
and Duke.

Wait a minute, there's no such thing
as a perfect man, right?

What do you have to lose?

Isn't that what you've been preaching
to me all night?

Okay.

I will if you will.

It was the darkest hour.

The guys were under a full-scale attack.

But everything changed on D-Day.

THE A$$ FACTORY

Okay, tell me something. How does it feel
to officially be a free man?

Great. Okay, listen...

- ...I can do whatever I want...
- Okay.

- ...whenever I want, with whoever I want.
- Okay.

I'm free from all the "tie-ranny"--

- It's "tyranny".
- Will you shut up, Bennett?

- Let him finish what he's saying!
- I just want you to have proper grammar.

All right! I'm free
from all the tyranny and oppression.

And nagging from all women for good.
You hear me?

Matter of fact,
only woman I want to talk to tonight...

...is dancing butt-naked down
at the Ass Factory.

What happened to the Sweaty Crack?

- Got shut down. Health-code violations.
- Heard about that.

But here's the thing,
I like the Ass Factory better...

...because the girls down there are nasty.
But they're my kind of nasty.

Ced! Ced.

Don't judge me!
I'm going through a divorce, homey.

Hey, yo, Lauren confirmed
our date tomorrow.

I thought you and that Lauren was done.

Why you all in the man's business?

I thought my man said
he was done with Lauren.

You are whipped!

- He's worse than Mike.
- Chill with that "worse than Mike."

- You wanna hear a good story?
- No.

Ced, tell them about the night
you saved it with Gail.

I'll take this goddamn bottle and knock
your face off, you bring Gail up again.

I don't wanna talk about Gail!
All I want to talk about is titties and ass!

Yo, it's Candace. Should I take it?

No, man! Here, give me the phone.
Bros before hos.

Hello. Candace.

Hey, what's up, girl?

- Michael.
- I was just thinking about you.

No, hi, I thought I'd get your voicemail.

No, you got me, baby.

Listen, Michael.

We need to talk.

Ladies, few words are more menacing
than the dreaded four, "We need to talk".

Now, that means one of two things,
that we did something wrong...

...or you literally want to talk.

- She wants to talk.
- That's a new one.

That's bad, dude.

Good! I hope she talk
your damn head off.

Is it ever a good sign
when a woman wants to talk?

No. Not in my house anymore.

Kris used to be fun and chill, and now
she's just in my face all the time...

...nagging, harping, like,
"What are your short-term goals?

"What are your long-term goals? Jeremy,
what's your view on relationships?"

Like, I'm in the middle of a game
of Call of Duty--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, run that back.
What did you just say?

What, the long-term goals, short--

- Please, don't make me repeat--
- Yes, that's crazy. You know what?

Candace asked me those
exact same questions on our first date.

Mya asked me the same thing.

So did Lauren.

You know what?
You know who asked me that question?

Not a goddamn soul!
Because strippers don't ask me shit!

Listen to what she said
to me the other day.

She said, "I'm not your sports fish."

What is a sports fish?

A trophy girl.
You show her off to your buddies.

What the hell are you talking about,
Bennett?

I was watching Oprah.

- Why are you watching Oprah?
- I like Oprah.

Man, you gotta say "no homo" when
you say shit like that at a divorce party.

She had Steve Harvey on the show.

He wrote some book.
It's for women, but it's about men.

- Family Feud Steve Harvey?
- I heard something about that.

He threw us under the bus like that?
That's uncouth. I wouldn't do that.

I thought Steve Harvey
was kind of my nigga, but--

- Me too.
- What?

- You too, what?
- I didn't say anything.

- Tell me exactly what he says in the book.
- A whole bunch of shit.

All right, this is why we're ruining
my party. Because of that information.

I got it online, here we go. I got a review--

I got to get my hands on that book.

No, you're not gonna do it now.

- You said bros before hos.
- One second.

Exactly! Guess what?
Your bro need a ho!

Let me tell you something,
I got a pocket full of ones...

...and I ain't got no goddamn drawers on.

I didn't wear no drawers tonight.

Now y'all supposed to be my wing men.
Right now, fly with me!

Celebrate, men! Get your--
Fly with me, men! Goddamn it!

This ain't good.

Yes, hello,
we're looking for a book called--

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.
Everywhere? Thanks.

Said they've been sold out for,
like, a week.

- Good.
- Can't be sold out everywhere.

- They don't even have it on eBay.
- It's the power of Oprah.

I think I got something.
Okay, cool. Where's San Pablo?

Border of Oregon.

That's not gonna work.

- Looks like we tried.
- Hello. Right now?

Tomorrow is another day.
We can tackle it then.

- Let's go, men. Strip club time!
- Y'all take me to my mama house?

Driver, can we go to my house?

I thought you said you was gonna
cancel that with your mama.

Have you ever tried
canceling on my mom, Ced?

I'm gonna say this since don't
nobody else wanna say it, Michael.

You ever try heterosexuality?

Mom!

Got your favorite.

- Smelling good too.
- Look at that, huh?

Let me get some chicken.
Let me get some chicken!

Stop. And the onions, you know I love
the sautéed onions, and the cornbread.

I know. I'm gonna get you a plate,
but clear all this off, first.

All right, all right.
And make sure that sweet potato pie--

I will, little boy, you just clear the counter.

Mom, what is this?

That's that book by that big-head boy
that's on that Family Feud thing.

Act Like Something,
Think Like Something Else.

It's the new read for my book club.

Every war has its turning point.

In the Civil War,
it was the Battle of Gettysburg.

World War II,
it was the Invasion of Normandy.

The definitive turning point in this war
was that night at Loretta's house.

It was like finding the Holy Grail.

Jeremy. Tell them to turn the bus around.

The power had just shifted in our favor.
But we didn't know that yet.

"Why Men Do What They Do."
Look at this, guys.

Steve Harvey is a traitor.

Look, "Mama's Boys."
Chapter 7. That's you.

I'm not a Mama's Boy.

Jer, you don't think
I'm a Mama's Boy, do you?

- Nah.
- Listen to this.

"Men respect standards, get some."
I prefer my women not to have standards.

In fact, if I've got to choose, I'm gonna
choose the woman who has no standards.

Hold up. "Until a man achieves his goals,
or is on the road to...

...you will never be
number one in his life."

See, that's not even true.

I've achieved absolutely nothing
and I still put my women first.

- This is sick.
- It's brainwashing, I'm telling you.

She's trying to push me
towards my dreams...

...and help me accomplish my goals.

Why would she do this?

Shit, at least you're getting some.

Ninety days, that's not a probation,
that's a death sentence.

Hell, yeah, I want to taste your yams.

- Hey, Mike, how old is your mom?
- What?

No, not like that. No, it is. It is like that.
How old is she?

I come in the house, she's like,
"You want to eat?" I said, "Eat what?"

Yo, first of all, put my plate down
and stop hitting on my mom, man.

Don't get mad at me!
I don't even wanna be here.

Y'all the ones that wanna be here,
I want to go to the strip club!

Man, wrap this up. I got a bunch of ones,
and somebody gonna get them.

Ms. Loretta!
I'm ready for the rest of the tour.

You guys are so screwed. And honestly,
there's nothing you can do about it.

Maybe we can.

They got our playbook, man.
They know all of our maneuvers.

Yeah, but they don't know that we know
that they know our maneuvers.

You see why I don't hang out
with Jeremy by himself?

I don't ever know what he's talking about.

Guys! It's like the Patriots,
when Bill Belichick stole the Jets' plays.

- Right, and they got busted.
- Yeah, but they won the game.

And where'd they end up?
The Super Bowl.

I wish I knew what you was talking about.

We use Steve Harvey's words
against them.

We pretend to give them what they want
so we get what we want.

We lie to them.

Exactly. This is war, gentlemen.
There are no rules.

Like the great Khan once said,
not Genghis...

...I'm talking about the Latin guy
from Star Trek II:

"Revenge is a dish best served cold."

Michael, I need to get something
off my chest.

You know what? Before
you get something off your chest...

...I gotta get something off my chest.

You know I can be a bit
of a Mama's Boy?

I think it really all started
when my dad died.

It was a rough time for us, you know?

And my mom just started relying on me
for so many things. Too many things.

You know, I had to be the man
of the house at a really young age...

...and I guess maybe
that's why we're so close.

Michael.

And I guess,
I guess what I'm trying to say is this.

I want you to be the number-one
woman in my life.

It was like taking a test
you already had the answers to.

You're my priority, Candace. All right?

Yeah.

All right. Now, you said you wanted
to talk about something.

Did I?

The women had no chance.
They were like putty in our hands.

So I just updated my résumé,
and sent it off to Neversoft.

Really?

You're serious?

I was intrigued by a job posting
I saw in Adweek and I thought:

"Why not go for it, Jeremy?
You have nothing else to lose."

Baby, that's awesome, that's wonderful.
I'm so proud of you.

- Oh, my God.
- Don't get too excited, okay?

It's just a feeler.
Probably won't even call me in.

No, you're selling yourself short.

Jeremy, you were the best in your class
at Parsons, you're a brilliant designer.

No. You're a brilliant artist.
They'd be lucky to have you.

I'm lucky to have you.

You are?

You know what I was just thinking?

What?

- Nobody's had sex on this couch yet.
- What?

- No, it's a virgin couch.
- Really?

What do you think we should do
about that?

There's about 10 things
I think we can do about that.

Only 10?

You'll be crying out
like a bitch after three.

Now I'm scared.

I love this couch.

After careful study, Dominic realized
there was only one man...

...who could impress the Alpha Female.

"The Guy With Potential." Zeke.

- What?
- I have to show her I'm a man with a plan.

- Well, just make some shit up, dude.
- No.

- Remember that restaurant idea I had?
- Yeah.

I need you to help me
with a business plan.

Cook for her. Dummy.

I already did. Breakfast.

I ain't talking about no breakfast, boy!
Something fancy, Dom.

Like, like one of them dishes
with an apostrophe in it.

Is that your robe?

Yeah.

Man, you here again?

Yes! Ass Factory don't open up
till 10:00, so I got time to waste.

- Bitch, move in already.
- What'd you say?

I'm sorry if I want to be around my friends
when I'm going through a divorce.

What was I thinking?

You're something else, boy.

Look, Gail used to love it when
I would cook for her. It turned her on.

You can do all types of things
in the kitchen.

We had a little food thing
that we would do.

I would go and get some
chocolate-covered strawberries, right?

Then I would come downstairs,
I have a G-string on.

You know what I'm talking about.
She used to love it.

So the game was "Balance the Berry."

I would put it on the--

But the way it's--

The berry ain't gonna stay there for long.
The berry wouldn't stay on, so--

The point that I'm making is this, Dom.

Food is your art.
Stick with what you know.

It's good milk, Zeke.

He's right.

It's on.

- It's over.
- Wait, what happened?

Dominic's car broke down.

I have to go pick him up?

So? Calm down.
Do you know how many times...

...I had to pick you up
when your Jag broke down?

Save it, Candace.

The man is a loser.

And I'm the fool who slept with him.
On the first night.

Which is a memory he will have
to cherish for the rest of his life...

...because it is never happening again.
Never.

Hey, beautiful.

Dominic.

You look beautiful.

Yeah, you've mentioned that.

- Would you like a glass of wine?
- Actually, I came over here--

It's a Chateau Montelena, 2006.

That won first place in
the Judgment of Paris back in '76.

Actually, it was a '73 Chardonnay
that won...

...but I've heard this one is better.

It was a gift.

But I wanted to save it
for a special occasion.

Well, thank you.

So...

...to tonight.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

This is good.

Yeah, there's more.

You did all this for me?

Good evening, madam.

Wild--

- Goddamn.
- Man--

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Wild Mushroom en "Croût"?

"Croûte."

Croûte?

Thank you.

- Enjoy your dinner.
- Thanks.

I really wanted to change your
association of me with hors d'oeuvres.

So, what do you think?

Amazing.

So are you.

Thank you.

And look at the stars.

Make a wish.

Okay.

Aren't you gonna make one?

No need.

And on that same night, Zeke was on
an entirely different kind of mission.

Dude, don't tell me what I said.
I know what I said.

- But I'm telling you, I'm done with her.
- What?

I'm not competing with this 90-Day Rule.

- You have the ammo.
- Babe, I'm going upstairs.

All right, listen.

Use "how men show their love"
against her to get the cookie.

You profess. Call her your girlfriend.

Bro, stop it. Do you have any idea
what I've been through?

I'm sick of picking up checks
and opening doors...

...and talking about our feelings
and our childhoods.

It's like the 1950s, man! I just want to hit.

And if she thinks I'm gonna wait
71 more days just to get the cookie...

- ...she gonna be waiting by herself.
- You kept count?

I'm not counting, but you're gonna know
the amount of day--

You really like her.

No, bro, trust me on this.
I am done, okay?

I'm ending it tonight.

Yeah, have fun on your date.

I bet you I dump her 90-day ass.

Hey.

Listen.

Mya, about tonight--

Okay, I have a surprise.

You do?

Yeah, I got us tickets to see
John Legend at Nokia Theatre.

Okay, that's cool.

Yeah.

- Okay.
- Okay. So let's go.

So I hope you don't get mad at me...

...but my uncle is a music producer
and I passed him your CD.

You took my CD?

Yes. And the three pieces of gum
that were stuck to it.

Okay, you know what?
I was looking for that gum.

You know I'm done with
the music industry, right? I love what I do.

Okay, Zeke, he's not trying
to sign you, though.

He wants some new songs
for some albums that he's working on.

Yeah, well,
my album went Plat-none, okay?

I mean, two people heard it
and both of them were relatives.

Okay, but I was raving about it,
and he decided to check it out.

You should've been my manager.

Zeke!

Super Freak Zeke! What up, baby?

- Man, hey, what's up-- Xavier!
- What up, baby.

Oh, my goodness. Baby, this is Zeke.
This is the guy that taught me the move.

The Chimichanga!
He was the one who taught me.

Hey, this is my lady, Crystal.

Hey, what's going on, Crystal?
How you doing?

Oh, my bad. Xavier, this is--

Now, ladies, if a man
simply introduces you as his friend...

...then please understand,
you are nothing more than his friend.

See, if a man has a plan for you
in his future, then he's gonna profess it.

He's gonna attach a title to it.

You're gonna be his woman,
his lady, his fiancée, or--

- -my girlfriend, Mya.

Zeke realized the man could get
a hell of a lot further...

...with one well-placed profession
than with six carefully planned dates.

Oh, my God.

I think we should stop.

I have to get up early.

So I better go.

Okay.

Good night!

Well, I could walk you to--

No, I got this. I'm good, good night!

The guys may have lost some battles,
but they were winning the war.

I'm telling you, Gina. It worked.

He's finally stepping up
and looking for a better job.

Family Feud
knows what he's talking about?

Changing the game.

How does this affect the 90-Day Rule?

The 90-Day Rule
is what got me to this point.

It's just, I was saying that
I'm not opposed to amending it...

...you know, for good behavior.

Like changing his Facebook status?

Yeah, see, that's good behavior...

...but the cookies don't come
out of the cookie jar...

...for anything less
than the three magic words.

I hope you guys are ready
for some fun in the sun.

Oh, yeah, some fun in the sun.

Oh, wait. Baby, should you get that?
It's work.

Yeah, it's okay.

No! Why would I answer work calls
when I'm with y'all two?

- Don't worry about work.
- Yeah, no work.

- You okay back there, Duke?
- Yeah.

All right, now you got your license too?
Because you're driving back, right?

I'm just joking.

Such a romantic.

Things were almost going too well.

The guys had forgotten
that they were even at war.

All right, thanks a lot, everybody.
Once again, I'm Danny Vola.

Go up there and sing.
Come on, you should go--

No. I ain't sang in years, you sit down.

Wait, slow down! Okay, Duke!

- All right, you got this.
- Be careful!

I'm about to get you a motorcycle now,
the way you're going, baby.

Oh, you want some?

Sorry that took so long, babe. One of
the guys needed a little of my advice.

Where were we?

Right here.

But then things started to backfire.

What ever happened
with that job at Neversoft?

I forgot to tell you, I heard through
the grapevine they filled the position.

Really?

Yeah.

That's weird...

...because I heard
from Sarah's little brother...

- Yeah?
- ...on LinkedIn.

And he said that the position
was still open.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And that he was gonna personally
recommend you to his boss.

Except your résumé's not on file.

What?

I've been waiting this whole time.

You know what?
I had to reset the modem the other day.

I bet you the e-mail didn't go through.

Yeah, I'll fix it in the morning.

The Internet?

Yeah, it happens all the time.

Kris?

The truth was catching up to them.

I'll miss you.

That's me, all right. I'll see you.

Okay.

James?

- James Merrill?
- Lauren Harris.

Wow, look at you.

Look at you.

You are like a fine wine.
You just get better with age, don't you?

And you get smoother.
What are you doing in L.A.?

I'm checking out a sublet. Yeah,
I was just promoted CEO of Sensala.

- Wow.
- Yeah, yeah. I'm relocating to L.A.

- You're kidding.
- No.

Well, I can't imagine Nina
ever wanting to leave Chicago.

Yeah, well, that's because she's not.

We're finalizing our divorce.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry.
- No, no, it's all right.

- We're friendly.
- That's good.

But what about you?
I mean, are you engaged? Married?

No. Not married or engaged.

Really?

Just dating, but nothing serious.

Well then, why don't we go to dinner?

Sure.

Let's do it. I mean, let's do dinner.

Well, you have to call me.

- Got the same number?
- Same number.

- All right.
- Use it.

- Tomorrow night.
- Absolutely.

- Like the car.
- Me too.

Love the body.

On the car.

- I hate to trouble you--
- Go away!

I saw this episode last night at Mom's.
This joint is hilarious.

Wait, I thought you got called back
into work last night.

Oh, yeah, last night
I got called back into work...

...but remember,
I told you I had to stop by my mom's...

...to drop off the stuff that she had
put at my-- I told you that, babe.

- No, no, I don't think you--
- Give me a kiss. You don't be listening.

And the lies were starting to add up.

Listen, my mom's planning
a really big family reunion.

- I'd love it if you could come.
- Whatever you want, baby.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, the only bad thing is if your mom
and grandma are as fine as you...

...you might have some competition
over there.

Come here.

Cool!

It's at the park in Culver City.

There's gonna be a trampoline
and barbecue.

These walls have ears.
Duke, please go back to bed.

So it's gonna be the 20th
and it's gonna be so great.

We're gonna have these
cotton candy machines--

- The 20th of this month?
- Carousels--

Baby, I can't make the 20th.

Why?

Well, actually, I promised my mom. It's
her church anniversary, so I promised--

Really? You gotta be kidding me!

Good night, Duke!

Baby, I'm gonna see what I can do,
all right?

- Okay.
- I'm gonna make it happen.

Come here, girl, come here.

Turns out, the only problem
in pretending to step up is...

...well, sometimes, you actually have to.

Yo, watch this right here.
Hold it, this is about to jump--

Okay, what?

Okay, okay, okay. I wanted to wait
until we had proper drinks...

...but I talked to my uncle last night...

...and he listened to your CD,
and he loved it.

And he's obsessed with number seven.
They want to meet with you on Tuesday!

Congratulations!

Oh, my God. You did this for me?

No, you did it. You left it all on the track.

I love you, girl.

Without even meaning to...

...Zeke done messed around
and uttered the three magic words...

...that finally opened the cookie jar.

But Zeke's victory was short-lived.

MYA

RAN OUT FOR BREAKFAST
BE RIGHT BACK

This cannot be good.

No, no, no.

THE NINETY-DAY RULE

Am I tripping, or was last night
the best night of my life?

You got the cookie.

The cookie? I'm the cookie monster.
You know what I got us? I got some latte--

Mya, I can explain that.

You lying-ass sack of shit!

I was just using this to defend myself.

- Defending yourself against what?
- Against your 90-Day Rule.

That was created for women to protect
themselves from sorry asses like you.

So I'm the villain,
and you didn't even have the guts...

...to tell me
that I was on a 90-day probation.

- I was gonna tell you.
- Were you gonna tell me?

Yes, I was gonna tell you.
But then, I thought I might amend it.

Because I thought
you might actually be the one.

So was any of it real?

Any of it? The wining, the dining?
Calling me your girlfriend?

Or was that all just to get the cookie?

You win, congratulations.

You got it, right? You won.

Mya, wait a minute. Mya, it was true.

Zeke, don't touch me!

God, you're so good.

You're so good.

Because even when I know
that you're lying...

...I still almost believe you.

In The Art of War, Sun Tzu wrote,
"All warfare is based on deception."

He left out,
"Only dumb-asses get caught."

Work

Baby, your phone!

Meanwhile, Candace didn't even need
to find the book to get the message.

Michael Atwater's phone.

- Tandace?
- Loretta?

Listen, I'm calling to tell Michael that
I don't need him to take me to church.

Deacon Johnson
will be driving me to church.

Let me talk to him. Is he free?

He will be.

Here we go! Oh, slam dunk!

Michael.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

What?

- You'll see.
- Duke, get in the house.

Baby, did you see that boy's skills?

If I keep on--

What's wrong, baby? What's up?

Your work just called.

And I thought it might be an emergency,
so I picked up.

But it was just your mom.

Really? You know,
the T-Mobile Top Five be acting up--

Don't bullshit me, Michael.

Baby, listen, I know how that looks,
but trust me, this isn't--

Trust? I believed you.

I can't compete with your mother.
And I won't.

You don't have to--

Then why did you look me
in my face and lie?

You need to go.

Baby, listen I--

Get out of my face, Michael.

And Candace wasn't the only one
who was all business that day.

Hey, beautiful.

- Hi.
- How are you?

- I have a 2:00, so--
- You look stunning.

Thank you.

So you said you had some news?

Yeah. My investor friend
that I told you about?

Read your prospectus, loves it,
and wants you to give him a call.

You serious?

I told you it was brilliant.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Okay, we gotta go celebrate.
Let's go out tonight.

I'm not free tonight.

Okay, well,
what about tomorrow night, then?

Dominic, I'm gonna hit you with
the headline, okay?

I recently reconnected with
an ex-boyfriend of mine from college.

Anyway, he just got a divorce
and is moving back to L.A. and I--

You breaking up with me?

No! No, I'm not breaking up,
just taking a break.

- I need some space.
- Space.

- Yeah, because we were moving too fast--
- Yeah, you sound like a guy.

What did you say?

I said you sound like a guy.

Is that why you invited me to this place?
For a business lunch?

So you can have an out-time?

Dominic, look, I really like you.

Okay? I didn't want to string you along.
Let's just be friends.

Yeah, I don't really need
any more friends, Lauren.

You know, and I really don't need
your friends to let me down easy.

Okay, don't be stupid, Dominic.
That's business, not personal.

Do you even know the difference?

You know, Lauren, I--

I never even had a prospectus,
you know? I did it all to impress you.

You inspired me, you motivated me to do
something for myself for the first time.

And all this time, I thought
you were too good for me.

Kris? Picked up some pizza.

What I don't get is just like the book,
I was the guy with potential.

I told her the truth, I put myself out there,
and it still wasn't enough.

At least you didn't get caught
in a flat-out lie.

Y'all should see how bad things are
with Candace right now.

Kristen wouldn't even look at me
when I showed up at Gina's.

She'll change her mind.

Nah. You did not see
the way she looked at me. Such--

- Hate?
- Hurt.

It's hate. Women will hate you fast.

Either way, fellas.
I think we brought this upon ourselves.

It was self-defense. They attacked first!
We had to strike back.

We were just protecting our
natural-born right to be men. Am I right?

- Right.
- Right.

Love us or leave us, right?

Right!

And they left us.

Right.

- We're back.
- Take all the time you need.

Thanks.

Zeke, check it out.

Your right. My left.

Not my type.

That's how we do it, Zeke.
I line them up, you mow them down.

Can I have my tab?

- You can only get it once a year.
- What kind of meat is in the McRib?

- Fellas.
- Let me guess...

...school pictures?

You look like a substitute teacher.

I finally sent my résumé over
to Neversoft. I had my meeting today.

And they just called. I got the job.

- Is that right?
- Congratulations, man!

I'm a senior designer at Neversoft.
With full benefits.

Damn right, and the next step
is the expense card.

I gotta call Kris.

She not talking to you, huh?

- No.
- Well, you should call her anyway.

She's the reason it happened, right?

Yeah.

That's good advice, right there.
How's that project going along?

It's going great. In fact...

...I'm gonna have to get out of here soon
and go get some work done.

You know what we should do?
We should celebrate, right?

- Nice. Yes.
- New job, first round's on Michael.

- Yes. I like that.
- No, no. I just had the last round--

- This is nice, just the fellas.
- Just like old times.

No, it's not like old times
because I don't have a curfew this time.

Speaking of curfew, I gotta go.
My night to cook.

Bennett, you sound like a bitch.

We just got finished hearing good news,
we with the fellas, we drinking.

He running home all henpecked.
Come on, man!

I'm not cooking because I have to, I'm
cooking because I want to, that's my wife.

Come on, now, Bennett.

I'm not saying it like that,
I'm saying just, right now--

Don't be mad at me
because I got a wife at the house.

That means sometimes
I can't hang out all night with you guys.

I gotta go home early
then that's what I gotta do.

I'm just saying.

I got this round.

- I'm happy for you, congratulations.
- Thank you.

- I'll see you guys.
- Big B!

You're $20 short, Bennett.

Yeah, no, I used to cook for Gail
on Thursdays. That was my day.

I'm happy we're free. I really am.

I'm telling you right now,
we're better off without them.

Yeah, I mean, who needs
to put up with their shit?

And their demands, the nagging--

The expectations.
Expectation is the catalyst for all of that.

- Here we go.
- You know what's funny?

Gail used to love it when
I cooked Bolognese sauce from scratch.

Like, that was her favorite, so--

All right, boys, we are free
to do whatever we want...

...with whoever we want,
whenever we want, all right? To freedom!

Freedom!

Ced, lift your glass, man, get involved.

- Right, I'm sorry. No, no, no.
- Take that shot, baby.

To freedom.

Bottoms up.

Don't need them.

I gotta piss.

I'll be right back.

Look like you gotta take a dump,
the way you moving.

What?

Gail, ain't nobody calling to fight
with you right now.

- What the hell do--
- Look! I'm coming home.

Really, Cedric?

Gail, let me tell you something.
That's my house too, Gail!

I pay the bills in that house!
It's my house too. I'm coming home.

Which is where I belong, girl.

Gail, I'm tired of this tough shit.
I miss you, Gail.

Gail, I ain't been the same, man.

I'm out here,
I'm out here on these streets and shit.

I'm out here in the strip clubs.

These girls calling me by my first name,
like, I'm there every day!

Which I am, but that's because
I'm going through something, Gail.

I need to be held. I need you
to rub my back. Put me in my onesie.

I changed, I need my woman back!

I'm around all these men and shit!

I don't want it. I don't want that life
no more, I want you and Jesus.

- And that's it.
- Okay, Big Daddy.

What you say?

How soon can you get here?

Like-- Like 20, 22, 23 minutes.

Bring your sexy ass home. I'll be waiting.

You want me to bring you something?
You want some Doritos, or something?

Because I can stop and get it, baby.
Whatever makes you happy.

- Just come home.
- Okay.

All right, I love you.

Oh, shit.

Thank you.

Yup.

Good shit, brother. Go home to Gail.

He just wipe shit on my back?

You didn't even wash your hands, man?

Who the hell shits with a hat on, anyway?

- She said she was coming from Shanghai.
- I remember her.

Fellas, I will see you later.

Let's all cash out, we'll go together.
You going to the Ass Factory, right?

Gail is taking me back, I'm going home.

Home!

Girl, I am married. Please!

Thank you. Married man!

That night, we all realized
that the plots...

...plans and schemes couldn't compare
to one simple thing, the truth.

Mama!

Oh, what the hell?

Hey, baby.

Oh, flowers, breakfast. Yeah.

You're a little early, sweetie.

I know, but I wanted to come by
so I could tell you that...

...I'm not gonna be able to make it
to the anniversary today, Mom.

There's some place I gotta be.

Well, it's our 75th at the church.

What's wrong, sweetie?
Where you gotta be?

With Candace.
At her family reunion, Mom.

Well, good for you.

Okay, sweetie.

- Really?
- All right.

Now, I'm gonna see you tomorrow, okay?
Time for you to go.

Loretta, it's my turn to spank you.

Deacon Johnson?

- You got the keys for these?
- Put those down, fool!

How long has this been going on?

Ninety days.

More like 91.
I'm sorry I stretched your T-shirt.

How you doing, Michael?

- All right, fool, go on upstairs now.
- You know, these pills cost $19.

Mom, you got him with my loofah?

Baby, go on. Go ahead, go ahead.

Listen here, fool!

I done told you I'd bring that coffee
upstairs, you old, nasty fool.

Look who I found.

Okay, third time I hope is a charm.

Actually, I think it is.

- Go ahead, tell them.
- We want to make an offer.

- I told you this was gonna happen.
- No, you didn't, actually.

This is great news. We sort of had
an instinct about you guys.

Kris?

Jeremy, what are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

Yeah, I can't.
I'm in the middle of something.

This is important.

Not a problem. Take your time.

I'm gonna get the paperwork,
and we can get started.

I'm really sorry.

Did someone die?

- What? No.
- Well, you have a suit on, so I--

I got the job at Neversoft, Kris.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, that's cool.
I hope you didn't do it for my benefit.

I did. At first.

But somehow,
through all the pretending...

...I figured out I wanted it for me.

And now that I have it, I want it for us.

You were the first person I wanted
to call when I got the news...

...and the fact that I couldn't
drove me crazy.

You're the last person I think about
before I go to sleep at night, Kris.

Look...

...I miss you.

Oh, honey.

I miss you and I want you back.

So sweet.

I want to buy you a house.

That's my man, step up there.

I want to buy you this house.

Back up, bitch.
You ain't buying my house.

Oh, it's fine.

How the hell he talking
about buying my house?

Breathe.

I'm breathing, I'm breathing.
I got it, I got it.

Okay.

I want to be your wife.
And I want you to be my husband--

I want to be your husband.

And I want you to be my wife...

...so bad.

So...

...will you marry me?

It's a yes.

- Oh, she did it.
- Go ahead, my man.

She did it
because she changed the game.

- She did what?
- Don't worry about it.

Even Zeke was singing a new tune.

That last one was Bitch Betta
Have My Money by AMG.

I don't really feel like
being out of the house right now.

Come on. You know the best way
to get over an old guy is to get a new one.

- You're coming.
- ...make sure you show him some love.

Zeke, come on up.

- Hey, thank you.
- Oh, my God.

I haven't really played this song
in years...

Is that--

...but it was inspired by
a very special woman who...

...is definitely worth waiting for.

Last night I had a dream about a dream

About you

- I gotta get out of here.
- Mya!

Mya!

Mya, will you hold up? Mya?

You think you can just sing one song
and everything's gonna be forgotten?

No! I was just hoping it would be a start.

You know what? You know, you can't
change a person's nature, Zeke.

That is not true.
I know for a fact that that's not true.

- How?
- Because I want to start over.

I want 90 more days.

Without sex?

If that's what it takes.

I don't want the sex, Mya. I want you.

That's bullshit.

Okay, that's bullshit. Yes!
Of course I want the sex.

But the difference is the sex
is all I wanted before I met you. Now...

...I want you. Okay?

Now? I want coffee.

I want to stay up all night talking
about your crazy childhood. I want--

I don't know.
I want to talk about Aristotle's Caves.

It's Plato's.

Plato got caves too?

Yeah.

Mya, I love you.

I'm in love with you.

I've never said that to anyone in my life.

Then why didn't you just say so?

Turns out that my epiphany
had a domino effect.

Everyone was actually stepping up
with their women. For real this time.

I didn't get any of this.

Candace? Your mother tells me
that you're still single.

Don't worry about it,
because I think I have a solution.

I have somebody I think would be perfect
for you at my office. Her name is Amy.

Her? She's not in that chapter.

Well, she might want
to read the book, honey.

Mom! Mom!

Thanks, Duke. I got this.

- Hi, ladies.
- Look at that face!

Nice to see you all.

What are you doing here?
Isn't today your mom's church thing?

Yeah, it is.

So, what, did it get canceled?

It did not. What's up with
all these damn questions, woman?

I just thought you needed to be there.

Why would I be there
when I should be here...

...with the number-one woman in my life?

So since you're thinking so much...

...why don't you think about
putting a burger on that plate...

- ...with some pickles and some mustard?
- I'm sorry...

...did you just say "number one"?

Oh, so you're not believing?
Hold on one second.

Ladies and gentlemen? Excuse me?

Hi, I need everybody's attention, please?
Hey, everybody-- Yeah.

Thank you.

My name is Michael Hanover,
and I want you all to know...

...I am madly, and I am insanely in love
with Candace Hall.

And I just want everybody
in the world to know...

...that she's the number-one woman
in my life.

Thanks, everybody.

Now, back to the reunion!

Is that okay with you?

What do you want on your damn burger?

I don't give a damn, girl.
I came for you. Come here.

And so the book ended happily
for all of us.

Well, almost all of us.

Hey, girl. Haven't seen you in a while.

I know. I'm sorry, I've been swamped.

So, what are you up to later today?

Actually, I have a date
with James, finally.

Between his CEO and my COO,
it seems we never see each other.

What else is new?

Anyway. You got any plans for later?

Actually, the three of us are going
to Dominic's grand opening.

He found a backer for his restaurant?

No. He got a personal loan
for a food truck. It's called--

Avenue D.

It's in Pueblo Plaza.
He wants to start small, build his way up.

Good for him, you know?

- Anyway, have fun tonight.
- Oh, we will.

Thank you.

So, James, how was your day?

It was good. Actually, it was--
It was great.

Did I mention to you that The Wall Street
Journal is doing a feature on me?

- Yes, the--
- "Wonderkid." Yeah, I know.

"The Wonderkid."

I know I'm not exactly a kid...

...but I am the youngest CEO
of a Fortune 500 company.

Yes, we talked--

Now I'm focusing my sights
on the Far East.

I was talking to Warren the other day.
You know Warren Buffett?

Dub-Beezy, that's my man.

He was telling me about diversification.

So I bought a G6. Okay, all right.
The company bought a G6.

New York to Los Angeles
costs about $60,000.

They put that down every time I go.

Also talked to my man, Kobe,
the other day.

He was trying to get me
to buy an NBA franchise.

I'm fine, James.

Thanks for asking.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

I know.

I know, but I finally do.

All right, all right, all right.

All right, a little something.

Just a little sample for the ladies.
Fellas, I'll get you back later.

- Come on, Dom!
- Give that to the wife.

To your lady, okay, good, there you go.

All right, one more?
There you go, there you go, J.

I'll be right back. Thanks for coming.

- I'll be right back.
- This is amazing.

Next!

I'll take the Chef's Special.

Is that with chicken or--

- Hey, back of the line.
- Look, this is personal, not business.

Move your arm!

Congratulations.

Looks like a huge success.

I wasn't expecting you.

I couldn't miss your grand opening.

Live bass ceviche?

Sal, those two lasagnas are to-go.

You got it.

So where's your CEO?

I ended that. Dominic!

He may have all the money in the world,
and all the power...

- ...but he doesn't have half your potential.
- Stop!

Stop.

I don't need you to do that
for me anymore. I'm doing me, now.

All right?

Thanks for coming,
but I got a business to run.

I'm sure you can respect that, right?

- But I was--
- Next!

What's good here, man?
Do you have a low-fat Pork Special?

- Sure.
- Let's roll with it.

Dominic?

Excuse me. What are you doing?

I want you back, Dominic.

- Just give me a minute, please. I know.
- We gotta finish this up.

I'm sorry.

- What are you doing?
- I want you back.

Yeah, listen, I'm not an acquisition.
You can't just decide--

- I'm asking.
- Yeah? And I'm asking for some service.

You'll get your pork sausage,
Porky! Beat it!

Lauren, listen,
we're just too different, okay?

Yes, we are different.
But I think that's a good thing.

What you need is status. You need titles.

- I don't care about--
- No, I don't.

What I need is a man
who makes me feel like I'm special.

I don't care about his title...

...and I don't care
how much money you make.

I don't care what kind of car you drive.
I just need you.

Please? I'm sorry.

I think ultimately we want different things.

No.

I disagree.

I think we want the exact same thing.

What's that?

Well, first...

...I would like to have my Chef's Special,
hold the pork.

Go, Dom! All right, come on, man,
that's enough kissing.

- Grab her ass or something.
- That's my girl!

Show me something, God! Give me
something to think about tonight.

You know I haven't had much sex.

Me and Gail ain't really doing it
like we used to.

Really, Cedric?

- Come on, now.
- Get your little ass over here, now!

Hey, Gail, I was talking--

Pull your pants up, Cedric!

I'll get the guy in the purple.

- Hi, I'm Bennett.
- Use our ball?

I'll see you on the court! Save it--
Save it for the game, though!

Listen, little man. Where's your twin?

You're gonna need somebody
on your shoulders.

That's funny. That's real funny.

Let's see if it's funny
when my balls are on your back!

- Ball's in play. Let's go.
- Oh, shit.

Pass the ball, man!

You gonna play some defense?

Wait, wait, wait!

Pass!

Just shoot the ball.

You better get that out of here, little man.
You all right?

Hey, no making fun.

Good shot.

- Good shot?
- It was!

- Bennett, be a man and push him!
- It was a good shot.

Pick on someone your own size, man.

Oh, my knee!

Man, you better calm down.

He put his balls on my head.

Where's my help on defense?

Get out of here!

Bennett! Jeremy!

I'm trying to get my ball back!
Can I have the ball, please?

Just let them keep it. Let them keep it.

- Thanks, you guys!
- Go get that.

Hey, we play here every Thursday.

That wasn't that bad.

Think about it.

Well, I think it was a good time.
It's all about the exercise, guys.