Original subtitles

The Queen can go anywhere she likes, can't she?

Yeah.

Well, obviously she's got a schedule.

What about the castle?

The castle?

A bit early for a drink, isn't it?

What the hell?

What?

What have you got round your neck?

That's fairly obvious, isn't it?

Is it battery or mains?

I just knew it.

Just because you choose to dress like Enoch Powell does not mean to say that

rest of us do.

It makes all your eyes go funny.

I know, it's one of those magic eye patterns, isn't it?

Hang on, hang on. You have to screw your eyes up like this. I'm really

concentrating.

I've got it, I've got it.

It's two hedgehogs mating in a bath full of fairy lights.

Briggs, look.

This must be a record.

Five past nine and already you're at each other's throats.

Wouldn't go too near his throat, sir. Get radiation burned.

Good God, Briggs.

What's that round your neck?

All right, all right. Come on.

Get it all out of your system.

Mains or batteries?

Look at you both.

It's like looking at the pages of a 1950s Littlewoods menswear catalogue.

up to the 90s. Say hello to Cullen.

Dare to wear the clothes that suit your mood.

If I was in that mood, I wouldn't wear the tie. I'd hang myself with it.

For your information, this tie costs more than your

whole suit. What? A fiver!

Can we change the subject?

What's in the box?

Take a look for yourself.

It's been with the British Museum for years, but the Indians want it back.

A representative of the Comanche Nation is flying over from America.

to pick it up himself.

Why don't we just post it?

It's obvious, Mum.

If it got lost in a post, they might sue.

And why have we got it anyway?

Why don't you put it down, though?

It looks just like Harry Seacombe, doesn't it? Put it down, though!

So, er... Is this your first time in the country, is it?

Eh?

Only I ordered, you know, cos they were going to send a minicab. You know what

they're like.

Bunch of cowboys.

Look, it's a lot of mumbo -jumbo got up by the post office.

Honestly, they get a whiff of a 2 ,000 -year -old Indian curse and suddenly

you've got a strike on your hands.

And this curse affects anybody who actually touches the carving, sir? There

isn't a curse.

It's a perfectly normal road accident.

What road accident?

I shouldn't have said anything.

Come on, sir, what road accident?

The post office van that was taking the thing to Gatwick.

Crashed. It was perfectly routine.

Clear road.

Normal sort of day.

Experienced delivery driver.

What happened to this experienced delivery driver?

We'll know more when they get the rest of him out of the hay baler.

After what happened they thought it best that we keep hold of it until one of

their medicine men could come and collect it in person Good I'm going for

of tea

I smoke.

No.

I wonder what the great spirit of the Comanches will do to you.

I mean, there'd be no point scalping you, would there?

Post office vans crash every day.

Absolutely, Buck. I've never seen one do less than 70 mile an hour. They deliver

them with dents to save them the trouble.

I reckon he had a heart attack at the wheel.

He died of pure terror.

It's now sugar.

And yet, you press the button marked with

sugar.

That's it.

It's the curse.

It's the curse of the unsweetened beverage.

What?

It wasn't a strange urge. The photocopier on the first floor was

Ah.

What strange force caused it to break down today, of all days?

I don't know. It's probably Nodder trying to photocopy his arse again.

Why did Nodder choose to photocopy his arse today?

Because he's a pervert.

Maybe all this was orchestrated by that.

Simple piece of wood. Bob?

What? Maybe put it. Put what?

Ah, Mikey.

I've warmed the plates.

What for?

The super said you'd gone to fetch an Indian.

Take my advice, mate. Say nothing, get yourself a decent brief.

You'll be out of here in no time.

You've done this on purpose.

You've hidden it.

You've got to be joking.

You won't catch me manhandling the great totem of the Comanche.

The hand that touches the totem shall be smitten.

I know.

Someone's stolen it.

He's nicked it in here.

It may have escaped your notice, David, but on the odd occasion, this being a

police station and all, we do play host to one or two petty criminals.

He's here.

Oh, no.

Look, keep him busy for five minutes.

What? Bob's lost the tootum. I have not lost it. It's been nicked.

Nicked?

This is Chief Grey Wolf.

How?

Welcome to our wigwam. I am the sheriff.

This is my deputy.

I

feel

great emptiness inside.

I think he's hungry.

I do think he fried buffalo.

I feel great money too.

Not here.

Of course it's here. Don't be ridiculous.

You lie! I'm not afraid of you, mate.

Oh, yes, you are.

So, great prophecy will be fulfilled.

What great prophecy?

Ancient ones prophesy great money to, taken from us after many moons.

Great money to return, but first fall into hands of

two.

virgins. One virgin have face of

lizard.

Other virgin have round neck cloth resemble

entrails of elk.

Then pale face virgins go on great

quest. money to reason.

But not before virgins suffer much pain.

Come, virgins.

Provost's year must be fulfilled.

What you got?

Statue. Yeah, what sort of statue?

Ever heard of Ming Dynasty?

The takeaway on Camberwell Great.

Rats. Ming was a Chinese bloke what made statues years ago.

Oh, a pre -war.

It was one of those in the antiques roadshow, right?

Poor old lady had to be revived by paramedics when they found out how much

was. Well, let's have a look, then.

Here we are. T. Lee Thompson.

See, that's even little git.

Ah,

there's two in property.

What?

Your carving gets nicked by some 17 -year -old glue sniffer?

No.

Guilty one take form of leaf.

High, high in branches.

He's starting to make it up now.

Mr Wolfe?

Yes, Whiteface Virgin.

Ah, now, that's what I want to talk to you about.

You're going to ask what I think you're going to ask? Yeah.

You know this prophecy?

The great truth of the Comanche.

Yeah. Does it say anything about the two virgins like not being virgins at the

end of the quest?

Anytime shortly after.

Or ever.

Feed off tick in ears above all.

Quite talking to a canton are, isn't it?

It's interesting, it's that.

Stone me.

What's the matter? Never seen a North American Indian before?

It's not him. It's that tie.

Anyway, fancy dress nights not till Saturday.

Now, you've come as a red Indian.

You've come as a blind customer in tie rack.

What have you come as, Bob?

Never mind that. Has Tea Leaf Thompson been in? Tea Leaf, yeah. You just missed

him. Oh, damn.

Hey, I tell you, it was terrible.

What was?

Well, he was just having a few drinks with Reg the Fence. He weren't legless

out. And then he went out that door and bang!

What do you mean?

Bang. He got run down by a joyrider. This too in prophecy.

Leaf man step into sun and be struck down by a white horse.

A white horse?

It is not the white horse, clever feathers. It's the king's arms.

But it was called the white horse many years ago.

Come, virgins.

We seek Fat Man Coleridge.

Fat Man with only one testicle.

Um, Mr. Wolfe?

Now that we've got to know each other a bit, could you stop calling us virgins

in front of people?

I mean, can't we get on to first name terms?

As you wish.

Well, my name's Bob.

I'm Dave.

And you're... Grey, I suppose.

Is it?

As we are on this quest, you must call me Mokomanshi, who travels

many lands in search of the great Manitou.

They'll call him Grey.

Apparently, this bloke, Men, he carved himself.

40 grand, they said on the telly. This bloke Ming.

Yes, very good.

I swear, on my mother's life.

Reg, I was a pallbearer at your mother's funeral.

Let's have a look at it.

The Great Manitou.

Come again?

Oh, I'm feeling generous.

I'll give you 200 quid.

If this dive is in your prophecy, I will be impressed.

Even a vat inspector doesn't know about this place.

Garper.

Hello, boys.

Oh, Briggs, turn the tie down. I can't hear myself think.

Splashing out a bit, aren't we, Reg?

It's my birthday, isn't it?

We'll see.

An Apache -o -gram.

What's he do?

Strip off or stick a tomahawk up.

Now, me and him, we're reasonable people.

Civilised. Where's him?

He's a little too busy.

Have you seen that film, Port Apache?

I mean, John Wayne, he's a big bloke, but nobody likes to be strung up by

their... Tactical.

Soon you'll laugh.

He knows everything he does.

He's like Mystic Med with a scalping knife.

Well, if he knows everything, why are you talking to me?

Where is it?

Where's what?

It is prophesied.

Fat man with one testicle become fat woman with surprised expression. He not

tell truth.

Charlie Strong, up on Union Road. Up off the high street. Antique dealer.

Good.

Thank you.

Was that true about the man with one testicle becoming a woman with surprised

expression? No. I speak with full tongue.

Grave?

Yes, Baba.

You know when anybody touches the great manicure, they immediately get run over

or their testicles get cut off or something?

The curse of virginity.

How come nothing is happening to me?

You, with me virgin, you say.

Ah. Beside with your face of lizard and lack of scalp. Maybe

great spirit think you cursed enough.

Need to speak to Charlie.

Stone me.

Look, it's just a tie, all right? Not a tie in.

At last, none of taste.

So, where is he?

He's gone out.

Out where?

I don't know.

I dance.

Great money, too.

Not here.

Great money, too?

Never heard of it.

You may know a thing or two about neckwear, mate, but you're a terrible

We'll be back.

So, now what?

I feel great. emptiness inside.

Yeah, well, all right, just be patient. We'll find it.

No.

I mean, I'm hungry.

I've not eaten since plane.

And then only little bag nuts.

What do you reckon, Bob?

Well, I don't know about you, but I could murder an Indian.

All right, Ridge?

No, I'm not all right.

What, spent it already?

I had a tonne on a dead cert in a 330 at Adog. Bleeding things three furlongs

clear, jumps the rails, gets run over by the camera car.

But nothing like bad luck all day.

Well, maybe your luck's going to change.

You know that statue you flogged me earlier?

Yeah, what about it? I want some copies made.

Fast. Shouldn't be a problem.

Good.

Ah, Mr. Louis.

Mr. Briggs.

Table for three, please, Tony.

God.

What? Your tie.

Matches my wallpaper.

Sure, sure, sure.

Oh, Tony, this is Mr.

Graywolf. He's a Comanche Indian.

Great. Look, just order what I've ordered. I'm from Birmingham.

Excellent choice.

So, you don't know a bloke called Charlie Strong, do you?

Runs the antique shop on High Street.

Indeed I do.

He's one of my most regular customers.

I bet most of your customers are regular.

What did you say? Oh, nothing, nothing. And for your information, Mr. Strong has

booked a table for two here tonight for 7 .30.

Blimey. What a coincidence.

No coincidence.

All things are being arranged by great money to all

things to be unknown to him.

Does he do racing results?

Listen, I booked a table for two.

Yes, you can take a look at it over dinner.

Right.

OK. When he comes in, give him that table over there. And if he's got the

carving, we'll nick him. Hang on, hang on.

Well, isn't he going to smell a rat if he sees Grey Wolf here sitting in full

Comanche regalia?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. All right, then.

Do we tell you how to cook saag bhaji?

Yes, you do.

Come with me, Gray Wolf.

I'll get you into one of our waiter's outfits.

He's amazing, that Tony, isn't he?

He speaks English, three dialects of Indian.

I've heard him speak French, Italian, and now Comanche.

If he could cook...

I think you're going to like this place.

Hello, Mr. Strong.

Oh, hello.

I'll have my usual, please, Tony, for two. Please.

I waiter.

I help.

No, no.

This is for Mr. Strong.

Mr. Strong, I take.

Just to complete your evening.

Not here.

No one here will know what it is.

Right, lads, hands in the air. Hands up against the wall.

One hand in the air and one on the wall.

This, police, and this is stolen property.

Oi, Tonto, go back to your reservation, tell them that Briggs and Louis of the

yard have saved a great manitou.

This, not great manitou.

Oh, for God's... Sake!

It's a mani too, isn't it? Cheap copy.

You cheating bastard!

He's absolutely right, officers.

Yes, what are you going to do?

Nick me for flogging a piece of wood?

Superb meal, Tony.

Shame about your clientele.

When you're ready, you bring original back to me tonight.

At place they call white horse.

King Dom, when I am ready.

Oh, yes, of course.

Tonight, the great curse of the Comanches fall upon you.

Well, look at me.

I'm terrified.

First you feel raging thirst.

Then pain.

Like knife.

In bowls filled with flame.

Well, we're all going to have that. We've eaten it.

And then you see great horror.

Now go.

He's not just going to walk in here and give himself up.

In the land of the Comanche.

There grows strange cactus.

There we go again.

And on the cactus grows yellow flower.

Is this some sort of mystic gardener's question, sir?

He who eats of the yellow flower will suffer great fever.

Have a sip of bitter. Does the same sort of thing.

Look, if this is a party, I'll stick to what I know.

deceiver, Charlie.

I put yellow flower in food.

Even now, fever begin.

First you feel raging thirst, then pain,

like mire in stone.

Then in bowels, filled with

Another vision.

No, I just hear a car pull up.

I haven't felt this honoured since I had my drawing of a spaceman on Vision On.

Don't you say thank you in Comanche?

Comanche say thank you with gift.

It's just what I need.

A stone.

These not ordinary stones, my friend.

What do they do, then, these stones?

These stone.

For Comanche Virgin.

Oh, right.

And what do these Comanche Virgins do with the stone?

What you hold in your hand is love token. Whichever woman you choose, you

her pebble, and she consent to lie with you.

That's just what... Never fail.

Oh, thoroughly.

Nice man.

Lovely folk.

Got some daft ideas, though, hasn't he?

Ridiculous.

Billy? I mean... Love token.

Let's get to work, I suppose, eh?

Where are you going?

Just thought I'd go up to the first floor to see if the photocopy was

W .P .C. Baxter, citizen.

Don't be ridiculous.

You keep your pebble up.

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