Original subtitles

It's a new life for two girls named Brady who have left the bunch to make it

their own.

Only temporarily.

For the next 20 years.

Why don't you take a look around? I have to lock up and check the backyard and

the garage.

Well, take your time. We're waiting for Jan anyway.

You know, you know I love Jan.

But why is it so important for your sister to help us find an apartment?

Well, you don't understand sisters.

It's something I do for her and she does for me.

It's called meddling.

Hi.

Hi. Wow, what a pretty house. Oh, it's great.

It's terrific.

Please, I'm an architect. Let me give you the technical term.

Fabulous. Mom and Wally should be back soon. Do you want to look around?

Sure. Do you think we should?

No, but let. Okay.

The kitchen's this way, I think.

It's got every modern convenience.

This washer and garbage disposal built -in oven.

Julia Child could go wild.

It even has a wine rack.

Betty Crocker could get cropped.

Want to check out the bedrooms?

Yeah. This way. This is just the kind of house Phillip and I would like to own

someday. Yeah, Wally and I were saying the same thing. And instead of paying

rent for an apartment, you'd have something.

Yeah, well, Mom and I were talking about it, and with Wally's job at Tyler Toys

and mine at Casual Clothes. But if you put that together with Phillip's

at the college and my... salary, even though it's just my first year as an

architect. Tim, that is an incredible idea. I mean, it's the only way two

couples could afford a house. It would be perfect. Your bedroom would be

perfect. I mean, I've always... What do you think? The same thing you're

thinking, only I'm thinking it more. I mean, this is the only way that we can

afford it. It would be perfect.

It's perfect.

I love everything.

I do, too.

Ready to go?

No. We're ready to stay.

It would be perfect.

Hold it.

Hold it. Can you take it down to 33 and a third?

And then try it one at a time?

Mother, remember how you were saying that Wally and I couldn't afford a place

like this yet? Phillip and I couldn't either. But if we shared the house, we'd

have four salaries coming in.

That is, if it's legal. Oh, it's legal. Willowbrook sold several that way.

Well, how about making some close relatives your next customers?

Oh, that sounds great!

I have anything to say about all this?

Well, depends on what you're going to say.

I love it.

Why do I have to be blindfolded? We want you to get the whole effect all at

once. Step.

That's crazy.

It's childish.

This whole idea is rash, irresponsible, and foolhardy. No, no, no, honey,

please, not yet. You're right, Jan, he's stubborn.

You know, Marsha, a lot of people say I'm stubborn, but they're all wrong.

I'm not stubborn.

Permanently determined, maybe, but not stubborn.

Voila!

It's a house.

Very nice house. It's a house that the four of us can buy together.

Think of the advantages. It's a great idea.

I hate the idea.

Give it a chance.

Can't we at least start to talk about it, Phil? Philip, Philip.

Thanks. Philip, I'm telling you. Buying this house is a wonderful idea.

Living with one person is difficult. Two couples living together? That's

impossible. It's wonderful.

It's impossible.

Wonderful. Impossible. Wonderful. Phillip, let's negotiate.

If Wally comes down from wonderful to not bad, will you come up from

to eh?

In all fairness, Phillip, you could at least look at the rest of the house.

Okay.

I'm looking at the rest of the house.

Built -in bookcases. Lots of closet space.

Rack and pinion steering.

Nice kitchen.

Good -sized bedroom. Wonderful bookcases.

Isn't it great? Yeah.

Excellent foreplay. Then give us one good reason why we can't all buy this

together. In alphabetical order?

Okay.

A for aquarium. What happens when I bring in my tropical fish aquarium?

I take care of the fish. I raise them. I baby them. I clean the tank.

And you'll be looking at them without doing anything for them.

We won't look at them. We promise. We don't even like tropical fish.

I don't know if I could live with anyone that doesn't like tropical fish.

He was just saying that. We like tropical fish. We love tropical fish.

promise we won't look at them. What about parrots?

Do you like parrots?

We love parrots. We're crazy about parrots.

I hate parrots.

Look, we don't even have a parrot. You might get one. You know, people that are

crazy about parrots might get one. Then what would I do?

Honey, don't you think we can work it out? It's simply not rational.

For once in your life, throw ration to the wind. For once in your life, don't

practical.

I've told you before, I am rational, not practical.

Where can I work on my scientific experiments?

I need peace and quiet. Where is the privacy?

That's just being practical.

As practical as you can be.

Practical, practical, practical.

Stop it. I can be just as impractical as anyone. Then buy the house. Or if you

had the papers right here in front of me, I'd show you how impractical I can

Have I been had?

Not until you sign here.

water, Marsha?

Over by the coffee table. I don't see no coffee table.

You see a coffee table, Frank?

I don't see a coffee table, unless it's made of glass.

I'll tell you what.

This is a good place for a coffee table.

Roger.

Nice place, Marsha.

Thanks, Maxie. I really appreciate... I appreciate you moving my things and

Wally's things for the same price.

Hey, listen, it's the least we could do for somebody who works in the next

building. Right, Frank?

No, the least we can do is move the rest of the stuff in here.

Come on.

Right in here, fellas.

Oh, no, look at all this other stuff.

I tried to tell you, lady, we've already moved in three loads today.

Where am I going to put it all?

You don't put.

You point.

We put.

can't get to the phone right now.

Oh, yes.

You got here all right?

Oh, yes.

Well, we appreciate the furniture.

We really do.

It, um, fits right in.

Thank you.

Bye.

Well, that explains some of the furniture explosion.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Hi, Wally.

Hi. Keep talking. I'll try to zero in on your voice.

Hi, Jan.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

I am so sorry I didn't straighten up. I just didn't have time.

Should I ask what's new?

With your stuff and my stuff and Marsha's stuff and Phillip's stuff and

from our folks and stuff from your folks and stuff from Phillip's folks.

No wonder this place got so stuffed.

Hi, honey.

Jan, are you in there? We're toward the dining room.

Maybe I better go on back and come in through the kitchen.

No, there are three refrigerators blocking the door.

Just follow the path Wally made.

I should have dropped bread crumbs.

Can't we get rid of some of this clutter?

Yeah, which is the clutter?

Anything that isn't mine.

Careful, honey.

I made it. Yeah.

We have got to get rid of some of this.

Not right away.

I'm dead set against getting rid of anything right away.

Why? Well, you never know when you're going to need something.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Yes, we're all home.

Who are you?

Miss Fritzinger, your neighbor.

Your door's open. Can I come in?

If you can.

We really shouldn't leave the door open. Somebody might take something.

Who'd notice?

Hello.

Hi. Oh, watch yourself. Hello, everybody.

Hi, Miss Fritzinger.

I live right across the street.

We're the Logans. I'm Marcia. And Wally. I'm Jan Brady Covington. Philip

Covington III.

We just moved in. That's why things were a little untidy, Mrs. Fritzinger.

That's Miss Fritzinger. And that's by choice.

since men have only one thing on their mind.

Charles and I, uh, Charles is my brother, we own our own home together.

Now, whose home is this? Uh, you and you, or you and you?

All of us.

Isn't it terrific?

Seems a bit odd to me.

We have a very respectable neighborhood here.

You young people obviously go on furniture -buying binges.

That may very well indicate a life of excesses.

First it's too much furniture, and then it's too much... I'd rather not say.

Thank you for the warning. I leave now.

I just wanted to welcome you all to the neighborhood.

Thanks. Thank you.

Oh! If there's anything you want to know about your neighbors, I can tell you.

Or if I can't, I can find out.

Goodbye. Bye.

As we were saying before, Mrs.

Spritzinger. Yes, Spritzinger.

Yeah. We have to decide which furniture to get rid of.

The modern stuff.

I thought you left.

I took a wrong turn.

Could have been right by the ottoman and left by the nightstand.

There's the door.

It's simple. It's what furniture fits this particular house.

I think this house has an early American feeling.

You have to admit, our things are classic.

Oh, so are the Roman ruins, but I wouldn't want them in our living room.

Oh, yeah, well, there's a lot more... comfortable than those modern chairs of

yours. Fair information, Jan. Those are coffee tables. Wait a minute. It's

impossible. I warned you. I warned you. I warned you. Thank you, Paul Revere.

Let's face it. This isn't an argument about end tables.

If we can't agree about furniture, we'll never be able to agree about other

things. Important things.

We've agreed on a lot of things.

It's no use. It'll be like this about everything.

Money, politics, who takes out the garbage, what to watch on television.

No, that's easy. We'll spend an enjoyable evening watching The Wonderful

of Geranium.

Well, that'll be better than the Super Bowl of Mud Wrestling.

What's wrong with the Super Bowl of Mud Wrestling?

Hey, wait a minute, you guys. No, come on. No, please. What if there's a fire?

He'll run back to save his beer can collection. I would not.

I'd run back in to watch a fish boil.

Come on, Jan.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Where are we going? Home.

Home? You are?

What's the big deal? It's two in the morning. Nobody's up.

But you're naked.

I always sleep with my clothes off. Well, I know that better than anybody,

but... So what's the problem?

Well, what if Jan wakes up and comes in here?

First of all, this is our house just as much as it is theirs, and we should be

able to walk around any way we like.

And secondly, I'm not stopping Jan from walking around in the nude.

Marsha?

It's Jan.

It's Jan.

He's getting a glass of milk. Two in the morning?

I just had this sudden craving for milk, you know? Just this sudden craving.

Marsha, you're not... No, of course not. We just got married, silly.

I know, but... No, I'm not.

Tell her the truth.

Wally. Wally?

Yes, that's Wally.

But don't go in there.

What's going on? Well, he's in the kitchen, naked.

Why?

He always sleeps naked. In the kitchen?

Uh, well, you see, uh... All I wanted was a glass of milk. I didn't think

anybody'd be up.

Are you shocked?

No. Lots of people drink milk.

Well, I'm talking about the way he's dressed.

I mean, not dressed.

Undressed.

I know what you mean. A lot of people sleep in the nude.

Not Philip, of course.

Will you ladies stop with the chit -chat? This linoleum is getting cold.

I better make sure Philip is asleep.

No telling how I'd react to a thing like this.

Marcia. Hi.

2 .06 in the morning.

I was just... Getting a glass of milk.

I was helping her.

You were helping her get a glass of milk.

What's going on?

The truth is... The truth is... The truth is... The truth

is... I was in the kitchen.

You came in here to get some milk like that?

This is not mine.

I was in the bath.

I don't know which I prefer.

Well, let's suppose that I would like to wear this. This is our house, just the

same as it is yours, and I have every right to wear whatever I would like to

wear whenever I would like to wear it.

We all have our fantasies.

Why don't we all go back to bed? Good night.

That is not going to solve the problems of this house.

We have differing lifestyles. You like to play Mozart softly.

I like to play music with a beat, nice and loud.

We're not talking about music, it's lifestyles.

Like your decision to turn this house into a nudist colony.

comfortable. But what if seeing Wally in the nude makes us feel uncomfortable?

Right. I didn't know we were living with Playgirl's Mr.

July.

I'll get it.

Don't answer that.

It's my house. I'll get it if I want to.

Coming.

Do come in.

Miss Fritzinger.

We were just having a little discussion.

Would you care to join us? I heard some very loud music, and at this hour, so I

knew that I had to be wearing an apron.

Yes. Yes, do you like it?

Well, yes.

Thank you.

We were discussing personal freedom.

Yeah.

That takes care of her.

Now, As we were saying.

Good night, Miss Fritzinger.

This is not working. It's just not working. We've got to end this.

End what?

It's not that simple.

Marsha and I are sisters.

We bought this place together.

We've got to make it work.

Can't we compromise?

Compromise? What kind of compromise?

Go naked Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?

As far as I'm concerned, I don't really care what you do on your side of the

house. You do what you want over here, and let us do what we want over there.

You mean some kind of a separation?

No, I mean a divorce.

You know, Philip, I was hoping all this tape would be gone. It's so childish.

It's not childish. It's the reason why countries have borders. It ensures

friendly relations.

Too bad my passport expired.

What is all this stuff, anyway?

The scientific experiment I'm working on.

Here? In the living room?

On our half.

Smell eggs.

Rotten eggs.

What you smell is sulfur.

Morning. Morning.

Ah, you made eggs.

No, Philip made sulfur.

Right here in the living room.

Well, at least it's on our side.

I am a scientist.

I have to experiment.

Would you have asked Enrico Fermi to move his atom bomb?

Out of the living room? Yeah.

Don't tell me. Dr.

Frankenstein dropped in.

What have you made us for breakfast, Master Phil?

Philip. Oh, Philip.

Philip made scrambled sulfur.

Can't you smell it?

We agreed to split the house in half.

You'd better just keep your nose pollution on your side.

That's Philip's work. He has the right to work at home if he wants to.

I'll get it.

Just stay on your side.

You'll smell stuff.

Coming.

It is Miss Fritzinger and an officer.

And they're on your side.

I hardly recognize you without your apron. Thank you.

Folks, Miss Fritzinger has lodged another of her complaints.

Now, at the station, we consider her to be a very concerned citizen.

Thank you, Officer DeMille.

I knew I smelled something. Look at that. They are making drugs.

Probably STP.

And I bet they're selling it at kindergartens during recess.

And last night, this one, this one was wearing an apron.

An apron?

Book him on a morals charge.

That's a 613. Oh, and throw in a 752. That's a drug bust for good measure.

bust.

Officer Dumont, this is going to get you a promotion.

I'm grateful, Miss Fritzinger.

What is this stuff, anyway? We're in a residential zone.

This stuff, as you called it, is hydrogen sulfide, a common gas which is

sometimes released by the oxidation of bituminous carbon.

Wait a minute.

Do you realize what Philip is doing?

This experiment might very well make a better world for us all.

Miss Fritzinger, anyone who would complain about Philip Covington III

probably thrown Dr. Jonas Salk out on his vaccine.

Thank you, Wally.

Don't thank me.

Thank you.

Thank him.

Thank you, Doctor.

Keep up the good work.

And, Miss Pritzinger, for your information, a 752 is no parking near a

hydrant.

Well, they probably do that, too.

Oh, well, do not think that you can fool over a Pritzinger.

You probably wore clothes because you knew I'd be around.

Miss Fritzinger, this is our home, and we can dress any way we choose.

Any time we choose, right.

There are standards.

Exactly. And in this house, we set the standards.

Wally can dress any way he likes.

I can dress any way I like.

Maybe that's your problem, is that to me?

That was so funny!

Do you realize your pants are still down?

And do you realize there is still tape dividing this household?

doesn't have to be let's get rid of it yeah you

go that way

Tomorrow night, make sure you're back here for more of Nick at Night's Bunch

Brady. A one week and one week only salute to everything Brady.

Or as the French might say, tout le chose Brady.

Including two classic episodes of the Brady Bunch. Plus specials, spin -offs,

and much more.

Tomorrow night, starting at 8, 7 central, on Nick at Night's Bunch of

Now stay tuned, because the doctor is in. On the Bob Newhart Show, next on

at Night.