Original subtitles

God,

I love that song.

I called you in here, Rehan, to have a very important talk with you.

We get sex in school, Dad.

What sex?

Who's talking about sex? I'm not talking about sex. Why are you talking about

sex?

What I want you to know is you're free to date whomever you want, just as long

as it doesn't interfere with your studies.

But, but, when it comes to getting serious, when it comes to marriage...

There are certain taboos in our culture.

No blacks.

No Chinese.

No Jews.

They're no good for you.

You find a nice Pakistani girl when you're ready to settle down.

But what about just plain white girls?

It's tempting, I know.

But it's best to stay away.

It's like dipping your testicle into a bear trap.

But, Dad... No but.

I was standing there when you were born.

I know what's best for you.

Now, go do your homework.

I finally finished your hat.

Look.

Isn't it great?

Come here.

Good.

All right.

There, look at that.

Oh, my gosh.

Isn't that nice and warm?

It's summer, Mom. I know. Leave it on. It needs to break in.

Sal's outside.

You boys have fun.

Why are you trying to fix this thing? It's junk.

Oh, cool. Your mom finished the hat.

Sort of.

Pass me the wrench.

Hey, Sal.

I know it's like a million years away, but who do you think you're gonna marry?

No -brainer.

Nikki Evans.

I love her.

Dude, you've never even said hi to her.

So? So how can you marry someone you can't even talk to?

There are ways.

Good luck with that.

Pass me the sandpaper.

Dude. You're like the worst assistant mechanic ever. So, how do you see me?

I mean, am I white or brown to you?

I don't know.

You're just Ray.

Noelle, will you marry me?

Oh, Ray.

These last couple of years have been the most incredible years of my life.

Without you, I don't know. I don't know where I'd be. I never would have come

out here. I never would have followed my dreams.

Baby, you make me a better version of me.

You do.

And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I'll take that as a yes.

I can't. You what?

I can't. I want you. I want you. I just, I can't give you an answer right here.

Pierre, why don't you take a break?

I wasn't expecting this.

Didn't the tux and champagne kind of give it away? But you're always doing

sweet things, which is why I love you.

I love you, so promise me you won't go all Ray on me and read too much into

this, okay?

Of course not.

It's just my parents.

Damn expectations.

Just let me take this trip with them and they'll come around.

They will. Right. And I'll stay here, right?

Right. And when I come back, we'll take the next step.

Okay. Okay. Okay. That's good.

I'm good.

Hey, man.

I gotta have to sit back now.

French kiss to his company.

Oh, oh, Ray?

I still get paid for the whole hour, right?

Come to papa.

Hello, papa.

How awesome was that? Did I hook that up? Did she love the parrots?

Talk to me. How did it go?

She's there.

She's thinking about it.

What a bitch.

Dude, I think you might have dodged a bullet here.

I think she has fat girl jeans in her. Hey, hey, Sal, you want to watch it?

still a good chance she could be my wife. Wait, wait, wait, wait. When's she

going to let you know? I mean, did she keep the ring? Yeah.

Okay, so she's probably going to say yes when she gets back from her family

vacation. What a vacation. Oh, that two -week yachting thing with those fascist

parents.

I thought you were going on that.

I thought she was going to say yes.

Hey.

What am I going to do with this?

Watch for the sign.

You should be honored I'm calling you.

Honored. Dad, are you kidding me with what time it is right now?

Oh, don't tell me you're still sleeping.

You're wasting your bloody life. It's nine o 'clock.

No, it's not nine.

It's nine for you.

You remember this whole time zone thing I keep telling you about? Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Bullshit.

What is that noise?

I'm practicing my God swing in front of the mirror.

In your sister's bedroom.

You're swinging a golf club in the house again? Mama's going to kill you.

You will see, my friend.

One day your wife will castrate you too.

She'll grab you by the balls and they don't let go until you're dead.

Yeah, Dad.

I know. Bear trap.

That's why you should marry a nice Pakistani girl. They don't crush quite

hard. Dad.

We've been over this. Look, there's this nice girl I want you to meet, Dr.

Bajwa's daughter. She's perfect for you. Really, though? What's the point if

she's just going to kill me? Death by wife is every man's fate. You can't

it. Well, I think if you find the right girl, you can.

Yes? Well, you know nothing.

So, Bajwa's daughter graduated from Penn State. Not the best school, I know. But

she had a 4 .0. I'm with Noelle.

I'm not interested.

Oh, don't start with that bullshit Noelle talk.

Not bullshit.

How serious are you two getting?

Pretty serious.

You mean it is?

Yeah, I hope so. Okay, okay. Let me take down the ghost fort.

Hey, what are you doing in there?

What did we say about locking the doors? I did.

Hey,

what kind of name is Rayman?

It's Raymon. It's Pakistani.

Oh. Yeah, I got to tell you, I got to be honest, you're not exactly the look we

had in mind.

The character description said that it was open to all ethnicities.

You know what might be funny, though?

What if you did the accent?

What accent?

Your accent, the accent.

You know, like on The Simpsons. What's his name?

Yahoo.

Apu? Apu, yes.

Do Apu. That's not really, it's not my thing. It's not my niche.

I know the procedure for a robbery.

I run a convenience store, you know.

I know the procedure for a robbery.

No. I know the procedure.

I know the procedure.

I know the. I know the. I know the. I know the. I know the. I know the

for the robbery because I walk out the convenience store.

Yeah. Very happy.

What are you laughing at?

It's the worst Apu I ever heard.

How did the audition go?

I'm good.

I'm really, I'm good. I feel good. I feel strong. I made good choices. I'm in

the running, apparently. That's what they... You guys need anything else?

I have the southwestern salads.

The ones in the, not the fresh ones. The ones, you know, in the refrigerator

that you have. To go?

Yeah, to go.

No problem.

And you? I'm good, thank you.

Cool.

I think she winked at me. Go get her number. She's hot, right?

She's not really my type.

I know she's brown, dude, but she's still hot.

Go talk to her, then. Yeah, maybe I will. Good. Maybe you should. It could

your Noelle for all you know.

Have you heard from her?

No, not yet.

But it's cool. I'm fine.

That was Western. You got it.

Thanks. Is that any good?

What? You've never had that? No. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. The dressing's like heroin.

It's got sausage in it, though, right?

Chorizo. It's the best part.

What? What is that face?

I don't do pork. You know I don't do pork. Oh, my God.

I forgot I was sitting across from Mr. Muslim here.

Do you have to go pray now?

Which way is it?

Which way is Mecca? Must you mock the one thing that I practice? Yeah, because

it's the only thing you practice.

Not eating pork isn't going to make you Muslim, bro.

That's like me saying I'm Jewish because I like matzah. You are Jewish.

Half.

Hold on a second.

Judaism is not enough. You can't be half of it. Yeah, but only my dad is Jewish,

okay? Then say that you're not really religious.

I'm going to say whatever I want, fake Muslim boy.

Hey, your car just got a parking ticket.

Go.

Bastard.

That's your fault.

Wait a minute. How is this my fault? Because I don't carry change.

Then you should carry change.

This is Ray, your co -pilot.

Please feel free to move toward the bar as it is last call.

Hey, another Pinot Grigio?

No, thank you.

Do you like bartending here?

Sure. Yeah.

Pretty cool. I mean, you know, once you get over the outfit and stuff, but, you

know, I mean, people just kind of assume that you're cool spanning back here.

Assume that I'm cool. Not assume that I'm... Assume that other people... They

actually know that I'm cool. I'm talking way too much. I'm sorry. It's... I'm

cool. It's cool. I'm cool working here.

Well, I like this place.

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't think a Persian would be fun enough to work here.

Oh, I'm not Persian.

You're not?

No, no. I'm actually half Pakistani.

But I pass for a lot of things, so... Wow.

Really cool.

I'm half white.

Two, you know.

Really awesome.

Hey, baby, it's me.

I know you're probably sleeping, but I thought I'd call.

Thinking about you.

And I hope you're thinking about things, too.

Dad?

Rehan! You're home!

Great. Open the door. I have to pee.

Suitcase. Suitcase.

Dad,

what are you doing?

Is that any way to greet your father? Hi.

Okay, great. Open the door.

Dad, where's Mom?

I brought her to the bathroom.

Oh, make me some chai.

God damn, that felt good.

Where's my chai? Dad, slow down.

Evaporated milk, two sugars. What's going on, Dad? You don't make the price

visit. You know how much I hate those bloody New Jersey summers.

Muggy, humid, stagnant air. It's bullshit.

You never did anything about it before.

Well, I did this time.

I wanted to have some hardete, fun in the...

What

the hell is this?

That's Sal's.

Why didn't Mom come?

Dad? That house has zero tea bags in it.

Where's Mom?

She threw me out.

What?

Rehan.

These bloody white women, they don't know what the hell they want.

After 33 years, you think we'd know what each other was about?

She threw you out? Why?

At first they love all of your idiosyncrasies because you're different

them, you know? You're not what they used to, so it excites them. But it's

bullshit because they want someone exactly like themselves.

Then they get pissed off because you can't understand.

Not my fault, you know?

So it's her fault?

Her fault, my fault. What's the difference? I'm here.

Well, we're going to get you back there. I don't want to go back.

Why wouldn't you want to go back? Because the woman's crazy.

She threatened to snap my clubs.

You don't spend enough time with me. You're always playing golf.

Well, you do play an awful lot of golf, Dad.

Every time I'm home, she's busy watching Oprah or Ellen or that goddamn Matt

Lauer.

Even worse, she wants me to crochet with her. Maybe you should. It would make

her happy. Men don't crochet. I keep telling her that.

I don't want to talk about this anymore. I want to spend time with my son.

Fine. It's good to see you. I'm glad you're here. But I think you and mom

to get on the phone and start working this out.

No, mom. I'll handle her when she calms down.

Well, then maybe I'll call her. No.

I'll handle it.

It'll work out fine in the end, you'll see.

Get me some chai.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I guess I have to buy those now. Do you

take credit cards?

Because I don't know if I have a... Is there a bail today?

Can you help me out at all? I understand that I'm in the wrong here. I coughed

all over your nice peppers, but... That's a lot of peppers.

Do you think they're all contaminated?

Pimienta. Pimienta?

That's pepper. Mm -hmm. Oh, that's nice.

Hey, you know your dad's over there.

Yeah, yeah.

A golf trip that he planned a while back.

I don't know when he's coming here.

Hey, hey, you're never going to guess who I saw today.

Okay, who?

You're not having a guess?

You said I wouldn't be able to. It was totally lame, not to even try. Can I

be lame this time? Ah!

Nicky Evans!

What? Where?

Walking down Riverside. Oh, my God, it's amazing. I hope he didn't look like

that.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't be stupid.

This is my deep -cleansing, moisture -rich, exfoliating night mask.

I gotta look good for this webcam thing.

Well, did you talk to her? Hell no.

Then why are you so excited? Because it was my Nicky.

That's the one that got away.

Please, you guys didn't even date.

Never an opportunity.

Never an opportunity? You had like 49 opportunities.

Sixth grade social, eighth grade graduation dance, sophomore year

dance, junior and senior prom. I was all awkward then.

Okay, then why didn't you talk to her today?

Because I was just so caught up in seeing her again.

It was a golden opportunity.

You're a schmuck.

I know what store she works at.

Really?

What are you eating?

Baby, how are you?

I couldn't sleep.

I wanted to hear your voice.

Well, here it is.

I wish you were here with me.

Because you want to tell me something?

Soon, Ray.

I promise.

I think about you all the time.

Yeah, me too.

Want to try and fall asleep together?

Absolutely.

Sad? Well, it's about time sleeping beauty.

Why? Why what?

Why are you swinging one of your golf clubs so close to my head?

This is the only open space.

Why don't you go outside?

Then I'd have to put my shoes on. It's too dewy.

Perfect.

Why aren't you at work?

Um, I, uh, I'm working night now.

Didn't I tell you?

No.

Yeah, the, the firm...

Has too many daytime employees.

So there's just like a restructuring in the company.

And the whole kind of, you know, we're focusing on Asia.

You still get full benefits, huh?

Of course.

Dick's book.

So, I've got big news for you.

Oh, hey, did you call mom?

What? No, no.

You're going on a date.

What are you... She's very nice, and she's a schoolteacher. Very sexy. She'll

make you happy.

Dad, look, Noelle already makes me very happy, okay? I don't want to go on a

date with some random chick. What random?

She's your Uncle Tariq's best friend from medical school's classmate's

And she's already agreed to meet you. It's done. What part of me and Noelle

being together don't you understand?

Open your eyes.

Do you think I'd be sitting here if I'd married a Pakistani girl?

Learn from my mistake.

I want you to have a good life.

Haven't you had a good life?

Yes.

I had you and your sister and while you were growing up, it was great.

But now with Noreen off to college, it's just me and your mother in that big

house. Two people with nothing more in common. We're going to bloody kill each

other, I swear.

I won't let this happen to you.

Just meet this girl, have dinner.

That's all I ask.

Rehan, I'm suffering here. Please, do this for me.

If I do this, you promise to drop it.

Angie, call mom.

I don't know how you talk me into this stuff.

It's not a date.

Who said anything about a date?

It's not a date, Dad. It's a meeting. It's a chit -chat.

So you're going on a date?

No, no, no, buddy. It's not a date. That's nice. That's very nice.

You should start establishing backups.

You know, Will hasn't said no, Dick.

But she left without saying yes. It's a big decision. It's forever.

All the more reason to lay down the foundation with your dad's girl. What if

caught? Dude, do you remember the last time my dad tried to step me up with a

girl?

No, I'm blanking. Fake mustache, acne scars, mud like spikes?

Oh, yes.

I'm glad my misery brings you joy.

See, this is what I'm talking about. Nobody's forcing them to date their own

kind.

Well, okay. But to play devil's advocate, I can sort of see where your

coming from.

How?

Conformity's a pretty strong desire.

Okay, you know what? First of all...

You're a shithead for taking his side. And secondly, if that's the case, it's

not fair for him to completely reject Noelle.

Okay.

No, what?

Nothing.

Say what's on your mind. No, I'm not going to say it because you're going to

throw a hissy and it's not worth it. Just say it. Okay, fine.

And by that rationale, it's not completely fair for you to reject

women. I don't completely reject them. How many of you dated?

You're an ass.

And good luck with Nikki.

No, wait, wait, wait. Dude, you cannot bail on me right now. Please, please.

Okay, I'm wrong.

Your dad's wrong. Everybody's wrong. All right, enough groveling. Where's the

store? It's, uh, oh.

It's, uh, right behind you.

Right now.

Behind you.

She's off today.

She works Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Sal, if you do not visit her on one of those days, I will hurt you physically.

That's a sweet shirt.

I know, right? It's kind of different. I like it. I'm Dale. Jesus.

Can I help you, boy?

Yeah. Do you have one of those in, like, a large?

Oh, that would look so good on you. Let me check in the back. Thank you.

You don't actually have to do... What are you doing, Biatch? You know the

I found this first. I get dibs.

It's a sweet shirt.

I know.

That's why I'm buying it. You can't. But you don't think I'll look good in the

shirt. It's not that I don't think you'd look good in the shirt. I just don't

think the shirt would look good on you.

Uh, uh, uh, Dale, the professional, seems to think that it would.

Dale is trying to get in your pants.

Last one.

Want to try it on?

Oh. Uh, yes.

Yes.

Don't even.

Baby, I just wish you were home already. My father is driving me crazy.

Yeah, me too.

It's like they learn it in dad's school or something.

Have you talked to your parents about it?

Yeah, we've had some conversations.

Good or bad?

A little of both.

What's the bad been?

Well, you know, they've got their opinions. What kind of opinions are we

about here?

Honestly, Ray, it doesn't really matter.

Oh, shit.

Baby, hey, I gotta go do this thing with my dad.

Stupid little... Can I talk to you later? Yes. I love you, baby. Love you,

$6 .52 for a bloody bag of naan.

Boston.

Okay.

Come on. Let's go.

We mustn't be late.

Don't slouch. Stand up straight.

And try not to talk so fast. People my age can't understand you.

Great pep talk, Dad.

Really.

Thank you for coming.

Oh, hey, hey there.

Hi. Here's the naan you needed.

Come in, come in, come in.

Beautiful girl, huh?

She can hear you, Dad.

Great.

You have all met.

Come in.

Come. Let me give you a teary house. Come. No, no. I'm okay here. Thank you.

Okay. Toast sounds good.

have been having dinners like this one for the past six months.

Wow.

Why would you do that?

That's for the exact same reason you're sitting here right now.

You can't argue with a 50 -something -year -old Pakistani man. You know that.

He'll just lose that battle every time.

Yeah.

Tell me about it.

Hi. Oh, Mom, um, this is, uh, this is Ray Han.

Uh, Ray, actually. Hi, I go by Ray.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Ray. You too.

Honey, I need you to help me with the story, okay? Okay. Okay.

Can you give me a minute? Okay.

I hope you're hungry, Ray, because dinner's on the way.

I can't wait.

I'm going to go grab a quick smoke.

Do you want to come?

Your mom is white.

She is?

My mom is white, too.

Really? Yeah.

My dad didn't tell me that.

Neither did mine.

What did your dad say about me?

Um, you're from New Jersey.

You graduated magna cum laude from...

Tufts University, and you're an investment banker.

So I figure at least one of the three is true.

Well, I am from Jersey.

I did graduate magna cum laude, thank you. Oh, congratulations.

Thanks. But yeah, the whole investment banking thing didn't really pan out.

What did?

Acting. Really?

Yeah.

How's that working out for you?

It's going.

It's going. I bartend at the airliner and I chip away at the acting.

Oh, I like that bar.

Okay, so your dad thinks that you're this big -time investment banker, but

you're really just a struggling bartender slash actor. I prefer the term

slash bartender.

Well, that's pretty ballsy.

You're like the poster boy for every Pakistani father's worst nightmare.

Too spicy?

Yep. Have some naan.

Sometimes I fear he's not my son.

You make it less spicy. It tastes like American food.

No, it's very, very good.

Well, your father here tells me that you've been making great fries in the

investment banking firm.

Do you enjoy it?

I do. Sorry, I think the curry is actually coming up.

I was thinking maybe you could help me with an investment opportunity that was

presented to me. Yeah, I told him you could double his money.

Thanks, Dad.

The market is actually really in a really interesting place right now.

The economies of the world. India's economy and Japan's.

Very bullish.

I like hedge funds.

Hedge funds. You should, you know, just come by the office sometime. We can talk

about... Great! I can come tomorrow.

I think you need some air.

That's a very good idea. That's a great idea. I was going to say, maybe it's

just, I'm telling him, sweater, it's kind of warm. Is it warm in here? You

kind of feel like it's warm in here.

He's a very modest boy.

Very handsome guy too. Very tall, very handsome. He could be an actor.

God forbid.

God forbid.

Thanks for that diversion.

Yeah. Wow.

That's a lot better than your bullish hedge funds.

And as amusing as it was to watch you squirm, I could not let you go down like

that. Well, the half -Pakistani, half -Caucasian community applauds you.

Oh, come on.

We're not the only ones.

Yeah, you're probably right. Name a few.

Okay, um... I got nothing. Yeah, you got nothing.

I'd be willing to bet that there are endangered species on this planet with

higher populations than ours.

Humpback whales are kicking our ass. Yes, they are. That's for sure.

I mean, look around.

For better or for worse, people just end up with their own kinds, you know? It's

a natural inclination.

But what if your own kind doesn't exist?

Or what if it's not until now that you know that it exists?

Then what do you do?

Why are you so hung up on this?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just needed some processing out loud.

Yeah, you're much cuter when you don't talk.

To Sana and Ray. To Sana and Ray. To Sana and Ray. Can I have a drink? Mm

You're very handsome.

What's that?

Cookie?

No, no, no cookie.

What's the handsome thing about?

He's handsome like it's on his handsome.

The way you look at him? We have handsome grandchildren.

The way you look at him? Of course.

You had me worried. I wasn't sure what you were getting at myself.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you had me worried.

No, no, no. You know what's going on. No, no, no.

Put your pants up.

Nothing. No, you put them up so you can pull your pants down.

Do you ever think about why our dads married our moms?

Every day.

I mean, an interracial, interfaith marriage in the 70s?

Do you know how much crap they had going against them?

I can't even imagine. But they made it work. Yeah?

I don't know. I guess you just have to find someone that

really makes you happy.

You know?

And then it's like all that other crap doesn't even matter.

I blocked out the fact that I was half Pakistani for the longest time.

Oh, yeah.

Embrace the half that.

can drink the half that doesn't get their phone tapped.

Yeah, I totally get it.

It was an Indian family that moved into my neighborhood when I was in the

seventh grade.

And their daughter was in my class. She was this pretty dark -skinned girl, a

lot darker than us.

She had this shiny black hair.

We were the only two in our class with black hair. I loved it.

Loved her smile, her white teeth against her dark skin.

What happened with you two?

It took about a day for the rest of the class to find out that I liked her.

And then another day for the popular girls to make up a song about it. What

of song?

The Beatles.

Oh, I love them. Which one?

No, no, no.

It was about these two brown Beatles that found each other in the sand.

I am so sorry.

Did you tell your teacher?

What was I supposed to say? The white kids were making fun of us?

I convinced myself it was my fault.

I shouldn't have drawn attention to the fact that I was different.

Well, I like that you're different.

I'm glad I'm being different.

That's one way to look at it.

Don't be a stranger. Wonderful to be here. I'm so sorry about the curry

situation.

Wonderful.

May I ask where the bathroom is? It's right down there, on the left.

Rehan, would you come with me?

I don't have to go, Dad.

Children.

Cocktips always make him have to go. Dad, what?

Dad,

Dad, Dad, hey, slow down. What is going on? Spit it out.

Do you like her? Tell me everything.

We're three seconds away from leaving. You couldn't ask me that in the car?

got to know now.

How can you argue with that? You can't. You didn't tell me she was a mutt.

What mutt?

She's got like a perfect 20 figure. No, no, no, no.

She's half Pakistani and half white. Like me, she's a mutt. I thought you'd

that. Yeah, I do. I mean, you know, I'm a little surprised. I thought I was the

only one.

I figured it was a good compromise.

You get your white girl fix in the form of a Pakistani one.

Everyone's happy. Win -win.

You've really handled this, haven't you? Many nights. The father is too

controlling. His son didn't want to pee. He made him pee. He drank a lot of

water. I think he's nicely mom.

Yeah, did you see how he looked at you when he first came in? Did you see that?

Dad. So, you like her then? Oh, God, I don't know. Don't, please don't ask me

that. I just met her, Dad.

Okay, okay.

Say this Noelle girl didn't exist.

She's gone.

Then would you like her? But she doesn't exist, okay, Dad?

Noelle exists. Why can't you understand that? You cannot just show up in my life

and start messing with my head like that. Don't be such a bloody woman. No

messing with anything.

I asked Noelle to marry me.

Yeah, I did that right before he moved in.

What did she say? I don't know.

I was trying to get an answer from her tonight, but our conversation was cut a

little short by this date.

I thought it wasn't a date.

Hello? Ma!

You're up?

Ray! I was calling to get the machine. I'm sorry if I woke you. No, I'm just

cooking. How are you doing?

I'm better.

You know what? Hold on a second. Let me go outside.

Hey, Ma.

I still haven't gotten an answer from Noel.

Oh, don't worry, honey. You will.

And why aren't you and Dad trying to work things out?

Well, I think you're asking the wrong person, that one.

Yeah, well, he's impossible to communicate with.

You should try being married to him.

Mom, can I ask you a question?

Sure, anything.

Was Dad the kind of guy, the type of guy that you saw yourself ending up with?

I distinctly remember almost failing history in college because of a portrait

John F. Kennedy that hung above the blackboard.

I tried to take notes. I tried to pay attention to the professor, but my eye

kept drifting up to that portrait of Jack.

He had this hold over me.

Oh, I even joined political clubs to be near the type.

So what happened?

I met your father, and all those things went out the window.

You ever wish they hadn't?

Ray, life works out the way it works out.

Sometimes I think none of us has a choice in any of it.

Do you really believe that?

More than most things.

I can't believe you made me wear this ridiculous outfit.

If you want to be a good golfer, you have to dress like a good golfer.

Be glad your mother didn't crochet it. Dad?

Not now.

Perfect.

When are you going to call mom?

Will you please call her? Oh, stop talking.

She doesn't want to hear from me right now, okay? Yes, she does want to hear

from you. I just talked to her last night.

You spoke to her behind my back? What, behind your back? That's not behind...

You're my dad. She's my mom. I call her all the time. Bullshit. You never call.

She always complains.

Don't make this about me. This is not about me.

I can't believe you called her.

Traitor. But you are.

That's a bit much.

What?

See what you make me do?

I can hear it in her voice, Dad, okay?

She wants to work things out with you.

You really want me to call her?

Yeah.

Fine. I'll call her.

Seriously? On one condition.

You see Sana again.

You might not want to admit it, but you like her.

A father can tell.

Yeah, and as a husband, you should be able to tell that you need to call your

wife.

Hello. Yes.

Babe, is that you?

Yes.

Are you saying yes to what I think you're saying yes to?

Yes!

What about your parents?

They're impossible.

But I don't care because I am done trying to please them.

Dad, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.

I cannot wait to see you.

I know, and I can't wait to see you either.

I love you.

I love you, baby. I can't wait to see you.

Okay.

Okay, bye.

I'm here, Dad. I'm here. Oh, God.

Hold on. Hold on.

And up.

Breathe out. Breathe out. Breathe out. Breathe out. Breathe out. Breathe out.

Breathe out. Breathe out. Breathe out. And up. Oh, God.

Okay. Hey.

Hey. Nikki.

It's Tao.

Remember me?

Assume she does.

I made you this.

Stupid. Stupid.

Stupid.

Aye.

Aye. Ray Raymond.

You know that. You're a casting director.

You're reading for the part of Malik? That's right.

Gotta be honest, you're not exactly the look I had in mind.

Really? The breakdown said that you're just a good -looking foreign med

Yeah, no. We decided to make him a terrorist.

A terrorist?

I can do that.

I can do that.

Oh, you're too clean -cut.

And I can speak Arabic.

I'm tired from walking over and under this town.

Hi.

Sana. Hi. Hi. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? Well, I'm just

getting these Spanish -English dictionaries for my students.

Oh, my God.

I love this book.

Really? That exact book?

Yes. This is, like, my all -time favorite book. That's crazy that I would

Yeah, wow.

I've read it, like, 50 times, and, I mean, I haven't read it in a while, but

it's just... Wait a minute.

You read Maya Angelou?

Yeah, I read Maya Angelou. Why is that so hard to believe?

Well, because the, uh, learn to speak... Arabic overnight book under your arm

doesn't really scream that you're into African -American feminist literature.

Funny story about this? Uh -huh.

And my sister really loves her.

Right. Okay.

I didn't know that you had a sister.

Yeah.

There's a lot you don't know about me. Oh.

Well.

Do you want to change that?

What are you, uh... What are you doing after this?

I, uh, I need a huge favor.

Hello.

Are you Sunil?

Hi.

I'm Sana.

This is my friend, Ray.

Hi. I, uh, hope you don't mind if he joins us. He's an old friend.

Oh.

All right, then. Yeah.

I'll just get right into it soon, Neil, if you don't mind.

Sana's father tells her that you are an investment banker.

How do you feel about hedge funds?

All right, Raymond Lee's five sets of love. Are you done yet?

Can we talk about you for a second, though?

This Sana chick?

I'm a little confused. I don't understand how it went from, dude, I'm

out to dinner with this girl to shut my dad up to poolside hideaways in bookshop

rendezvous.

Holy shit, you really like her.

Hey, you're finally down with the Browns. Sal, shut up. You are getting

over these balls, my friend. Because you always say once you go packed, you

never go back. But now she's going to be the one saying that. Sal, seriously,

shut the hell up.

Come on, dude. I'm not down with a brown. You know that. No, no, no, no,

Don't be ashamed of it. You should embrace it.

Noelle said yes.

But did you say yes back?

Say yes back. I asked the question. Doesn't matter. Because she left without

saying yes, the power of decision rests with the originator of the question.

You know... Huh?

Your theories... Yeah?

Are retarded.

Okay, you know what? I have a gift.

I know that. Can we please play now? Are you done theorizing?

No, just serve. Did you go talk to Nikki? I bet you didn't. You want me to

serve? You're giving me woman advice?

Just give me the balls, Martina. There you go. I think you might need them.

Oh, you got one.

No.

No, I did tell you that.

It's ridiculous.

Don't argue with me, Janet. You're the one who threw me out.

Are you drinking?

Alone?

I can't even talk to you when you're like this. You're completely irrational.

Oh, no, don't worry. I won't be calling you back.

Is that the way you feel about me?

Then it's a good thing I'm not there.

Sorry you had to hear that.

What happened?

Hello? I never listened to my father.

When I told him I was going to marry your mother, he was so mad.

To him, coming from the same place, same background, was most important in

marriage. He grew up in that ridiculous... God, system that

stupid idea.

I knew that.

He thought I was defying him by choosing her.

Worrying?

He died.

Two months after the wedding.

Marriage is hard enough without adding to it, Rehan.

Is that your father talking, or do you actually believe that?

I mean, of all the women in the world, Dad, you chose Mom. Why?

It's hard to explain.

Dad, tell me.

I saw things in her I'd never seen before.

She was so capable.

She was everything I wanted.

Everything I wanted to be.

Well, then stop being so pig -headed and get back to her.

Watch yourself, Rehan.

I'm coming.

Keep it in your pants.

Hello, Sal.

Hello, Mrs. Ramon.

Who the hell's knocking the door at this goddamn hour?

Nice to see you too, Gervais.

Oh shit, my gloves.

Do you think I came 3 ,000 miles for your club?

You're a woman, anything's possible.

Am I right?

I don't know anything about women.

Mom!

Oh, hi. Ray!

Hi. Come give your mom a hug.

Oh, my God, it's so good to see you.

I figured I'd let you kids play alone long enough.

You don't need your supervision.

And I don't like fighting with him on the phone.

Well, I don't like fighting with you in person. Well, Dad, maybe she didn't come

to fight. No, I'm pretty sure I did.

You see... Oh, you know what? I don't care.

Nobody is going to be fighting in my house. That's one of our rules.

Okay, fine. We'll talk outside.

Jibbe, go.

Great.

I have to put my shoes on.

Put some clothes on.

Sal. Hi.

Sorry about this.

Oh. You look good. Well, I have presents.

Hi, presents.

I love it. Oh,

cool.

What up?

Hello.

I was literally just telling Ray how much I miss wearing wool out of here.

good.

Whoa. Here's yours.

Perfect.

Yeah? I love it.

And how's your job going?

Making ends meet. I told you bartending is a good solution for now. I wish Dan

saw it that way.

Oh.

And Noel, you set the date?

She hasn't gotten back yet.

Oh, you'll be fine.

She's a lucky girl.

Pretty good.

What do you mean, which girl?

Noelle.

Stupid, of course.

Why? Is there some other girl I should know about?

I don't know anything about women.

Hark. There's the girl I introduced him to. He likes her. They're good for each

other. Outside.

Now. Look out for my gloves. Please, let me into that pea -sized brain of yours.

How did you think that pushing a girl on our engaged son was a good idea? I

wanted... What? What?

I wanted to let him know there were options. He wasn't looking for options.

Neither were you.

Doug? Was that his name? I always forget.

Did you leave him right after meeting me? Or did you wait a couple of days?

We all make choices we have to live with.

Yes, we do. But we made those choices. At least let Ray do the same.

He didn't have to go out with her. Oh, you're... Oh, wow.

I forgot how hardcore your mom can be.

Dude, dude, Sana just texted me. She wants to know what I'm doing tonight.

Oh, winky face.

Ah, she so wants a piece.

Oh, knock it off, dude. We're just friends.

Really? Is that why you're still staring at your phone?

Please tell me, why is it so terrible that he wants to be with Noelle? And if

you say it's because she's white, so help me God.

Janet, we know nothing about this girl. We've never met her. She could be a

criminal. She could be a divorcee. What?

She could be ugly. We could have ugly grandchildren. Is that what you want?

didn't know anything about me when we got together and that worked out okay?

Didn't it?

I don't know.

Did it?

I hate not having anyone to fight with at home.

I'm going out of my mind here.

Hans, you're supposed to do that.

No mocking.

Oh, yeah.

You know that new alarm clock I got? It's going to be going off any minute.

I kind of want to be there for it.

Yeah,

have fun.

Hey, Shana.

It's me.

LOL.

Did I forget to tell you I'm engaged?

Happy face.

Your father was telling me about this girl, Sana.

How similar you two are.

It's great to find people you connect with, sweetheart.

But, um... Loyalty's important, too.

You made a commitment to Noel.

I'm aware of that, Mom.

Does Sana know that?

Don't you think she should?

Yeah. I... Yes, I do, and I... Ray, promise me something.

Listen to the voices in your head. It's kind of hard not to.

There's a lot of them in there right now. Well, what are they saying?

Mainly that I'm an asshole.

Mom, look.

Noelle is... the most amazing girl for me.

I know that.

I see that. She's motivated and she's passionate and she's beautiful. She

challenges me in all the right ways.

She's exactly the girl that I always saw myself ending up with.

Until I met Senna.

And now I'm just, I'm not so sure.

You barely know this girl.

It doesn't feel that way.

Remember,

When you came home from school that day when those girls made up that song about

you, do you remember what I told you?

Girls are stupid.

That's right. That's right.

Honey, if I ever did something stupid like prevent you from

meeting Othana in the past, I'm very sorry.

What are you talking about, Mom?

I couldn't bear to see you hurt again the way you were that day.

Mom, nobody tricked me into falling in love with Noelle, okay?

I did that.

That was me.

That was my choice. Well, it felt like I gave you a push or two.

Well, even if you had, it's only fair. Dad shoved me at summer.

Oh, crap, I gotta go.

I gotta go. I'm running late.

Oh, I almost forgot. Listen, if you and Dad are going to be sleeping in here

tonight together, which, by the way, I don't really want to know, so please

don't tell me any details.

But if you are, if you're planning on doing that, there's some extra pillows

the closet.

We're still just figuring things out.

Yeah.

Every couple has their problems, Ray.

No matter who they are.

I know.

Okay, go.

Oh, going, going. Love you.

Love.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We hope you're having a pleasant flight

us this evening.

Don't forget to enjoy our complimentary peanuts with your beverage service.

Thank you for flying with the airliner.

I hate my life.

Take it back the way you feel. I'll check into a hotel. So what, you're just

going to walk out on me again?

You're the one who just told me you refuse to sleep in the same building as

What I refuse is to put up with your crap anymore. Oh, for God's sake.

Okay.

Listen, this is who you married.

Just me. Not a color, not a religion. Just me. All right? Now deal with it.

I've been dealing with it for 33 years.

What's a few more?

A hotel sounds like fun.

Let's go.

I'm all packed.

Now, do you have everything double -checked? Because once we leave, we

come back in again. If I have to come back in again, I'll break the bloody

down. Check the bathroom to show you have your toothbrush.

Check my toothbrush. It's the first thing I do. You know this. Happy teeth

very important to me. You know, you could have been to the bathroom back in

time it took you to say that.

All right. Go get in my bed, too.

I'll do it.

Hi. Is Ray here?

No, he's at work.

Noel? This is Ramon.

Hi. How are you?

I finally meet you. You too.

Come on in.

What is this? Oh, it's a babe. It's Noelle. It's a pleasure, Mr. Ramon. Hi.

Have you ever been arrested?

What?

No, no.

Married? No.

You're prettier than I thought.

Thanks. I can't find my blue socks, the ones you crocheted for me. I don't

remember packing them. I'll make some more for you later. No, no, they're my

lucky travel socks. I need to find them. Don't debate. Leave it. Let's talk to

Noelle. I don't want to interrupt you guys. Oh, don't be silly. Don't be

So how was your trip?

Maybe Rehan knows. Do you know his word number?

God, I always call him on his cell, but the bar is so loud he can never hear me.

Bar?

Did she say bar?

Calm down, Javay. Let's not overreact, okay?

My only son works in a stinking alcoholic bar, and you want me to stick

bloody kill him!

Oh.

Hey there, monster boy.

Hi. Hi. Hi, what are you doing here?

Oh, I got your text.

I don't know.

I mean, I just had to come by here. I'm such a bartender.

That's what I do.

How many bars did you hit before you came here?

232 is an impressive number. I'd really be happy with myself.

Well, I thought so. Thank you. Yes.

Oh, I have a lot of my friends.

You have found a glass of water, so drink that. Oh, no, no. I'm okay.

Really, I'm fine. No, wait.

I'm here.

What?

Um... You look nice.

Thank you.

How, uh... How late do you work?

Till closing.

Do you have a break?

Uh, yeah, I've got one coming up in a little bit.

Take it.

What

are

you doing over there?

Wondering.

Talking.

That wasn't it?

I don't know.

I don't think you should have to do that.

I really, really need to know this too.

I'm engaged.

Oh my God.

I'm engaged.

I'm sorry.

Then I asked her to marry me before you and I ever met.

But you only gave me an answer the other day, which is why I'm in here even

though I shouldn't be.

I'm so sorry.

Oh my God, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I've already had two breaks tonight, man.

Just give me one second. Just one second.

Donna.

Donna.

I'm crying on the inside.

Now get back to work.

Hey, Noel, stop by. Did you find you?

Yeah.

He found me.

Rehan.

Can you cover for me again?

I finally meet this Noelle girl.

And I have to learn from her. You're a dirty bartender.

Are you trying to hurt me? It's not that big a deal, Dad, okay? I'm serving

alcohol. I'm not drinking.

Serving leads to drinking.

I'm just trying to pay my bills. There are 50 ,000 ways to pay your bills.

Yet you choose this. Why?

Why?

To spite me.

You looked me in the eye.

And you lied.

Right to my face.

What kind of son does that?

You don't think I want to make you proud, Dad?

Huh?

Do you honestly believe that I'm the kind of son...

That doesn't want to make his own father proud. That I don't want to wake up

every day with a six -figure -a -year job.

Waking up every morning to a woman that I know that you and mom both love.

Because I want that.

I want that more than anything. But I don't know how to get that, Dad.

Do you know how?

Shut up! This is what I'm talking about.

This doesn't make any sense, Dad. You moved to this country and married an

American girl and raised a family. No, hear me out!

After all that, you expect me to live up to some Pakistani ideal that you

yourself refuse to live up to? I don't think so. You cannot have it both ways.

And if you can't make things work with mom, if you can't look at your own wife

in the eye and not be reminded of some mistake that you made, leave her.

Because it's not fair to either one of you.

Lorena and I are big kids now, okay? We can take care of ourselves.

What are you making?

Martini.

Who ordered it?

James Bond?

Yeah, Dad.

Yes, he did. He comes in here all the time.

Ray. Ray.

Excuse me. Ray.

Ray. Ray. Okay. I just got off the phone with your mom.

Your dad is on his way here right now. Right now.

Where's your dad?

At the bar.

Right now.

Let's go.

Let's go.

I want to thank you boys for letting me stay with you.

I'm grateful.

For everything.

Hey, you're not going to leave?

Look at this. It's so serious. I just got here. We'll get some shots. No, no,

no.

Janice is waiting for me at the hotel.

I want to get back to her.

Sorry. We won't spend time in a bloody bar.

Use this creation.

Have a martini, buddy.

Not for me?

Why not?

Cheers.

I tried to call.

Noelle.

We should talk about this. Talk about what?

What happened at the bar?

There's not really much to talk about.

It seemed pretty clear cut.

Although, she didn't really seem like your type.

You must have been pretty hard up.

Nothing, maybe nothing happened between, she's a friend of my family, that's

all. Please, Ray, I don't really feel like hearing your bullshit right now. So

you're just going to shut me out then?

No, I found my 12th deposition this week.

I have to get up early. Some of us have real jobs.

You know, I thought I'd come back and surprise you, but oh wait, you were some

brown bitch in the bathroom.

What are you more upset about, the fact that you saw me with another girl or

that you were South Asian?

Don't even try to make me out to be the bad guy right now. Who was she? Nobody.

She's a family friend. My dad forced me to go out with her. Well, why did you?

Why, you asshole?

You could have said no.

You could have said yes. I did. Not right away.

Sleep with her. No.

Do you want to sleep with her?

No.

Are you going to see her again?

No.

Well, then we don't have to talk about this. ever again.

Can you give me a minute?

I wanted... I tried to

tell you about Noel.

I really did, I swear. I just couldn't do it until it was...

horribly awkward.

I've never met anybody like you, Senna.

Never. You, you, you get me, you know?

I feel like you actually get me, and I don't get myself half the time.

I know.

I'm sorry if I hurt you.

So what do we do now?

Well, you have a wedding to plan.

And I got a pack from Mexico.

Mexico?

What are you talking about?

There's this educational program that I applied to a while ago. It's teaching

English as a second language.

I've always wanted to do it.

How long is the course?

It's a school year.

I leave tonight.

That's, um... That's great.

Your fiancé's very lucky.

So is Mexico.

Hey, now.

Uh -huh. You're kidding me, right?

Yeah, that's funny.

No, it's not. Take it off. What?

I'm not even wearing an undershirt. I can't take it off. You always wear

undershirts. Yeah, but that feels so good on the skin, doesn't it?

I'm not going to eat with you then. Come on. Sit down already, please. People

don't pay attention to what people are wearing. You're ridiculous.

Do you know that? This is what you put me through. No, what can I do first?

You two!

You see?

That's right. I'll come back.

Yeah.

I like her.

She's, that's funny.

I'm gonna burn that shirt with you in it.

So, that's what I've decided.

Good guess, but no.

I'm gonna go see Nathan. Today's the day.

Huh?

You don't believe me?

You don't think I'm gonna do it?

Friends. Support.

So how much do you believe in fate?

What? What do you mean?

I mean, fate. I mean, like, our lives.

You know, do you think that our lives are predetermined, predestined, that we

don't really have a choice in any of it?

Yeah, yeah. I think certain stuff is destined. You know, like me being hot

you not.

No, I guess when it comes to choice, yeah, sure.

I think we make up our own.

I think so too.

Why do you ask?

So, you boys ready now?

Yeah.

Hey, Nikki.

How?

Remember me?

Assume she does.

Well, we need to talk.

Mr. Starr!

You're wearing the shirt.

Well done.

We got a new shipment of pastels in that I think you'd adore.

Did you love it?

Not today.

I haven't seen you in forever.

You remember me?

Yeah, of course. You sat right behind me in the homeroom.

Who are you?

I'm good.

I'm really good.

So what are you up to this weekend?

Uh, not much. Probably just kick my roommate's ass at ping pong.

My friend Julie's having a barbecue.

She wanted me to invite you.

Really?

Yeah. You should come out.

Probably going to pass, actually.

Hey.

Thanks for standing me up, Sal. Real nice eating lunch by myself.

Look, I'm really happy for you, bitch.

But if you use hanging out with Nikki as an excuse to blow me off one more time,

I will kill you.

I will smother you in your sleep. Good night.

Hey there.

I brought you a sombrero.

Yeah.

You came all the way back from Mexico to bring me a sombrero.

Well, no. I have the weekend off. Uh -huh. And, uh...

You're handing out sombreros around town. Yeah.

Let's just see if it fits.

Okay.

Okay.

I haven't obviously tied.

I'm just warning you.

That's good.

Looks good.

I've turned the whole thing around Fear is a friend

who's misunderstood But I know the heart of life

is good I know it's good

It's bloody bullshit, I tell you. I'm not going to put on my shoes just to go

some filthy bar where they don't serve the kind of chai that I like.

I'm going golfing.

Don't wait up.

That's great, Ray. You should always do that accent. It's hysterical. Ah, thank

you. Ray, you gotta tell me, how do you make up a character like that?

Uh... You don't.

if i love what you love

will i feel what it's like

That shirt's going to look really good with your skin tone.

Oh, you have? Yeah.

I predict.

Well, we'll see.

Whoa.

Dale?

Yes? You know what you're talking about. I do. I'm a professional.

Yeah. Thanks. No, kid. Ray?