All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast S02E04.en-us.dialog.subtitle

Natasha Brock, I brought an extra case.

Damn!

There is a person in it.

I'm not sure if they are dead or alive

because we have seen Natasha's roasts
and she is crazy.

-Any guesses?
-No.

-Hi, Natasha.
-Hi.

That's the most lowkey entrance
Mathias Helt has ever made.

Your life is so empty that we had
to call Mathias.

We all understand why that was necessary.

We've been friends for years.

-I was so happy.
-Best friends forever!

We wanted Mathias to be here
while going through your private stuff.

This is a trophy case
that I had made for you

for when you won the Danish
stand-up award,

Dancing with the Stars,
The Traitors. But no awards yet.

We made a diploma: "All that I have lost."

At least I've won something now.
Thank you.

That'll be the one thing
on the mantelpiece.

We're going to question Mathias,
so you should buzz off.

-Can't I at least explain some of this?
-No.

-You can take this with you.
-Yeah, I'll take that. See you.

Comedians never run out
of anecdotes to tell.

But we appreciate him bringing in
fresh ammunition.

I hope the others have seen
psycho Natasha in action

so that they don't hold back tonight.
Just let her have it.

Do you have any secrets
you'd like to spill?

No, except that those are my panties.
She's got my hand-me-downs.

I'm afraid he might sprinkle
some extra dirt

for the others to use in their roasts.
That's a genuine concern.

I love calling Natasha at any hour
of the day and saying stuff like,

"Do you know
where the Filipinos come from?"

She'll answer, and I'll go, "In my house,
they come from the basement."

ROAST ON THE COAST - DENMARK

Welcome to Roasted.
I'm your one and only roast-queen.

And these guys…
What are you laughing at that for?

Natasha Brock is
in the line of fire today.

You've brought along your girlfriend
and cheerleader Mathias Helt.

Give her a big applause.

Mathias and I have stuck together in
everything we've been participating in.

And I have been quite hard
on some of the others

so it's nice he's here for this.

-Are you excited?
-Very.

I expect to be both emotional and furious
when I leave

because I love Natasha
more than life itself.

You are a sweet and wonderful human being.

But she deserves to be torn a new one,
and I'm glad I get to witness it.

We remember you, Natasha.

She's called me chubby and old!

Let's get started.
Our first roaster is Nikolaj Stokholm.

Natasha. You've actually
made me feel insecure.

I didn't know you were capable of that.

I was unsure
what clothes to wear this evening.

Last you saw a man in a double-breasted
blazer, he asked you for a cup of coffee.

And I never got it!

It has been extraordinarily difficult
to write this

because you're just so nice.

You're always in a good mood, and you have
the biggest smile in the world.

And I do mean the entire world,
because you've got a giant head.

We flew in a gardener
just to work on her flower arrangement.

Stop it! I'm not the one claiming
she's got a huge head.

Andreas Mogensen said
he spotted it from the Moon.

And we're off!

Is this an automatic
or manual transmission?

That clutch sound
must be familiar to you as a woman.

Just like a '90s joke is familiar
to you, Liam. Oh, there you are.

That was so dumb.

You're very relaxed about being roasted.

You're only concerned about Torben Chris.

Getting spat at by him reminds you
of going door to door as a Mormon.

Well… yes.

The Mormons tried to make you stay as you
could shield the others from spit.

As well as the church itself
and the block of houses behind it.

-You did a show about having your period.
-Yes.

Your stage decorations
included these giant tampons.

That's very handy
for when you get a nosebleed.

When you look at me, do you feel like
shoving me up your nose?

You told the same joke to Liam.

Yeah, well stand-up is a fast-paced world.

Natasha has never had
a facial treatment done

because the beauticians union
would simply not…

They would not accept the long hours
that it would take.

They wouldn't have made it home
by Christmas.

Idiot!

You should know
that I cannot begrudge you your success.

I really can't. Just promise me one thing.

Don't let it go to your head.

Natasha Brock, everyone.

Luckily, our TV screens have gotten bigger
over the last few years.

-So, now they can fit her giant…
-…her enormous head.

Have you ever heard that many jokes
about your head?

No. I thought it was great that you picked
one thing and just went with it.

-There was a lot there.
-Any thoughts from the cheerleader?

I'm shocked. Lock him up! Put him in jail.

We need to remember to talk
about everything in Natasha's case.

How twisted is she
to be friends with Mathias Helt?

Valid point, but let's leave it at that.

Fair enough.

Anything else you can reveal?

Natasha told me that she went
to a palmist who told her…

Maybe I'm not allowed to tell you this.
Too late.

The palmist did a reading
of her palm and said,

"You shouldn't call yourself
a comedian anymore."

"Maybe call yourself
an entertainer instead."

The spiritual world sent an SOS message
through her hand:

"Stop her from doing comedy.
She's not a comedian, she's a…"

-Mormon.
-Yes.

The magical forces that Natasha
believes in doubt her abilities.

That's between them and her.

If you're ready for more, Natasha,

we'll just crack on.

Our next roaster this evening
is Liam O'Connor.

One of the reasons I love comedy is
that it's so diverse and inclusive.

In the music industry, women only feature
in sexual harassment documentaries.

But tonight we're being so inclusive
that we're roasting Linda P's au pair.

Actually, Natasha's here
because Natasha is everywhere.

Taskmaster, The Traitors,
Dancing with the Stars

and those YouTube videos of a peaceful
meadow where a hideous face pops up.

That's also Natasha.

Natasha is married to Albert.

At least until
Married at First Sight calls.

So many shows, such a small presence.

Except that we could all see
your giant head.

Natasha is most widely known
for menstruation

which half of the world's population
puts up with.

But when it happens to her,
it merits a one-man show.

If you're wondering why you don't get male
fans at that show, let me just mansplain.

Men aren't that interested
in what comes out of your pussy.

Unless it's a ping pong ball.

We're staying below the belt,

Natasha has written an erotic short story.

I'm very turned on
by the thought of not reading it.

I imagine it's called something like

"Harry Potter And That Time He Brought
Chocolates For His Girlfriend."

She's a huge Potterhead due to the title
Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince.

-She thought it was about period sex.
-No!

Natasha's been reading
magical tales her entire life

beginning with the Book of Mormon.
Isn't it called that?

She went from being a Mormon
to being a feminist.

Mormons believe they get their own planet
upon death.

Natasha, however,
is already living on her own planet.

Natasha, you're amazing.
It's been great getting to know you.

Liam O'Connor.

If Natasha is Linda's au pair,
she must be a very busy one

because Linda's place
is fucking disgusting.

Or she's just a bad au pair.

She can't get in the door
with that massive head.

What do you think?

Awful. Terrible. But appropriate.

I was really hard on him,
so I didn't expect him to hold back.

It was tough, but also funny.

I'm loving your style
and especially all your accessories.

-Let's see a little catwalk.
-Safety is key!

I'm so glad you're here.
That was a great surprise.

I've been so nervous
about getting absolutely rinsed.

It's nice to have someone here
who does that for me at home.

-Hello.
-Hi.

-Hi.
-Are you still here, Natasha?

-What now?
-I'm terribly aquaphobic.

I'm worried that people will see
that I float.

-A little witch humor.
-Right.

You will split into two teams
and construct a raft.

And cross the pool without getting wet.

I don't understand the rules.

So, we're tying up these pool floats
and crossing the pool?

-The driest team will be the winner.
-Then I'm going with Torben.

-The three of you are a team.
-Yes.

Will you do the honors?

My job…

You look great.

…consisted of…

Well…

I think I have to keep an eye out
for anyone getting wet.

-I'll pull you across.
-Okay.

Let me take a seat here
and see if I can work out your system.

-What is this?
-I'm sure it'll work.

The others are messing around
with this horny dragon

and a length of rope.

All we have to do is rope together three
pool floats and sit on the biggest one.

-There we go.
-Yes.

Natasha, we can't just do
what the other team does, right?

-Right. You can't do that.
-Yeah.

-Come up with your own idea.
-Why don't you do that with your jokes?

Victor will pull me.
You just hold that guy.

Nikolaj has laid our strategy.
I have to hold back Torben Chris.

On your marks.

Three, two, one.

Last one over is from Rungsted.

Stay here, Torben.
I'm trying to score bonus points.

Liam's cheating. Liam's cheating!

I'm just helping him
not fall into the pool.

-There we go!
-Disqualified. Liam held on to him.

You cross as well.
We have to see who's driest.

-Hang on, Torben.
-No!

-No, Torben.
-Hang on.

Those were the crappiest rafts
I've ever seen.

I believe in you.

They're useless.

Get back in the shade.

We didn't realize
that it wasn't even a race.

Natasha isn't putting any effort
at that pool.

Maybe she's conserving her energy because
she knows she's getting killed tonight.

Hang on.

I was going to go easy on you.

But being a feminist, you'd just take
offense, so I'm going full throttle.

I'll remind the audience how big of a dick
she was in the last couple of rounds.

Right?

It's somehow impressive that you haven't
gotten any further in your career

when you consider
how many minority boxes you tick.

A woman, half-Filipino and former Mormon.

You should be killing in this game.

I'm competing with 400 straight white men.

You're only competing
with a one-legged Eva Jin.

Your career might as well be called "Ane
Høgsberg and Linda P were unavailable."

"It's hard being a woman in comedy."
Nope. You can get away with anything.

"I masturbate every day."

How did you make a headline out of that?

It's not newsworthy that you masturbate

unless you ejaculate enough fluids
to irrigate an African village.

But even if you did, the fluids would be
absorbed by your giant carpet of pubes.

She's constantly talking about those pubes
in her show.

You do get a lot of laughs.

Especially for yourself.

It's true. When you watch her perform,

you'll always know when the joke is over

because you really think it's funny.

It's very important for you to let people
know that you don't want kids.

That's totally fair when you constantly
look like you're eight months pregnant…

with your fourth child.

You're always having a go at L.O.C.
for his looks now.

But at least when he was your age,
he was really fit.

What? It's a roast.
What did you expect from me?

So no kids. Then again, you're not
actually at risk of having children.

Due to the vast amount of pubes you have.

Even if any semen gets in,
there's no chance of a kid coming out.

It'll just grow up in there
like some sort of crotch Mowgli.

"Were you raised by wolves?"
"No, by crabs."

"The only human contact I've had was
a hand rummaging around in my cave."

There's something weird about you.
You occupy this special universe

of cuddly cartoons but then you go,

"I masturbate every day.
Here, check out my dildo on Instagram."

And you went and got
a stupid Kinder Bueno tattoo.

Do you know who talks about cartoons
one moment and masturbation the next?

People in assisted living facilities.

Next time you want a tattoo,
maybe bring your carer along.

Would you like to see my LEGO collection?
I masturbate while watching Motor Mille.

I know what you're up to,
you scheming little half-Filipino.

You're weaseling your way in among
the mentally challenged minority group

to get cast in yet another TV program.

And good luck with that.
It was a pleasure roasting you.

Torben Chris!

I'm glad he didn't hold back.

That was a great example of someone
crossing the line in a spectacular way

-while still retaining the love.
-You think he did that?

I added some of that when I saw
how hard you were on the others.

I just went all in.

-Mathias is absolutely shocked.
-Absolutely shocked.

Don't get all innocent.
You're hard on them too.

I just want to say
that I don't have that many pubes.

I was quoting your joke from the gala
where you said you had pubes out to here.

How is your head so big
but your memory so bad?

-It's all empty.
-Let's hear it for Torben Chris again.

It's important to get out
and experience a bit of local culture

when you're travelling abroad.

Because we don't have goats in Denmark.

It's really hot out.

Why would you snap your fingers at a cow?

At the animals, not at you.

-Hey!
-Comedy!

My roast can go two ways.

I do a bad roast.
Or I do a really bad roast.

It sounds weird
but I'm aiming for "really bad."

I think the mood will turn at some point.

That's what I'm hoping for.

Natasha. It's finally your turn.

I've been looking forward to this
since yesterday. Revenge is sweet.

I'll be upfront with you.
You'll be hit the hardest.

-Just so you're prepared. Okay?
-Yeah.

Let's start off
with something really painful.

Your age. Damn, you're old, Natasha.

Natasha was born in 1989. What was it like
growing up in a medieval castle?

Idiot.

She took her driving test
in a horse-drawn carriage.

Is that a tick for a successful joke?

She actually never got around
to getting her driver's license.

I, on the other hand,
got my license revoked by the police.

It turns out speed limits
aren't just suggestions.

Torben knows what I'm talking about.

-Victor.
-He's broken down.

Who exactly are you roasting?

And Torben said that I misunderstood
the format.

I'm equally entertained and afraid
that he's having a stroke.

I don't know what's going on.

You're five years older than me.

And five years is what
I'll get for drunk driving.

Yeah, Natasha's an old bat, right?

Roasted!

What should this joke sniper
zero in on next?

We started doing stand-up
around the same time.

But you're just achieving success now.

How does it feel to have things
fall into place for you,

you discerning bitch?

Ouch! Well, you're bound to get burned
when the master roaster gets started.

Natasha is the nicest person I know.
No wait. I don't know any nice people.

You don't have kids and that's
"by choice." I think that's very wise.

The world is overpopulated,
we'll have a global famine in ten years.

So just be a bit selfish, Mother Teresa.

But if we all stop having kids,
who will Torben Chris take a bath with?

What do you call a flabby,
unfunny Filipino woman?

Not "Natasha Brock."
You're a gift to women everywhere.

You are to comedy what L.O.C. is
to young offenders.

A huge role model.

I hope our friendship
can survive this roast.

He took a gamble
and well full moron on that one

like he'd misunderstood every joke
and ended up roasting himself.

What's going on with you?
Can someone check on Victor?

That was genuinely outstanding work

because the entire concept was
that you really believed it.

Who was your favorite, Mathias?

I'm so glad I get to share my opinion
about Danish men in stand-up.

I think Victor Lander was hilarious.

So was Torben Chris. It's a tough one.

What do you think?

I appreciate that you've seen
so many sides of me.

-Which was hard to do.
-Yeah…

Let's hear it for all our roasters.

-It's between Torben and Victor.
-Torben did the most roasting.

He takes the word "roast" literally.

I got dizzy from laughing so much.
Damn, man.

I wouldn't mind it if Victor won.
He went a bit off the roast reservation

but his performance was so damn funny
that he deserves to win.

Tonight's best roast performance
was particularly distinguished

because it might just be
the bravest performance I've ever seen.

Such a strong belief
in something so fucked up.

Our roaster of the evening
is Victor Lander.

Well done!

-Well-deserved.
-Yeah, that's fair.

-Massive kudos to you.
-Thanks.

This was an evening
full of people daring to take a risk.

I got to experience some very
intimate moments with my colleagues.

Even though they were rinsing me,
I'm glad I got to experience it.

-Who do you fear the most?
-Natasha has been fucking cheeky.

I would like to win something for once.
They've teased me for what I haven't won.

Damn, we are such stupid rebellious kids.

Why do I talk like one from the old days,
when I should sound like Torben Chris?

NEXT

A bag of what you used to call "brunch."

-And you're from Give.
-Give!

I love that you say you dream of being
an alcoholic, you are an alcoholic.

Give!

The winner of Roast On The Coast is…

ROAST ON THE COAST - DENMARK