All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast S01E01.en-us.dialog.subtitle

Welcome to Marbella. I'm Linda P
and I'm the host in my summer residence,

where I invite five of my close
comedian friends for a visit.

Shit!

-Is that the place?
-It's a bloody drug cartel.

I'll take a dump in all the toilets.

I don't know who the fuck lives here.
It must be soccer players or oil CEOs.

And apparently Linda P, I don't know.

During the day we'll have a good time.

Your cock is so close to my face.

In the evening, we have a show where
my friends are allowed to mock each other.

Moreover, in front
of an enthusiastic audience.

Give them a big hand!

On the last day, I'll take a seat
in the hot chair, ready to be roasted.

Femi-Linda!

I promise you it'll be fun...

You smell really sweaty, huh?

-...tough...
-It'll be the worst day of your life.

...a bit malicious...

-Fuck you!
-It's a roast.

-But most of all...
-No!

The world's most fun vacation.

ROAST ON THE COAST

-Linda, so good to see you.
-You, too.

It can't be her house.
I fucking refuse to believe it.

There aren't enough jobs in the world,
even for Linda, to pay for this house.

-Isn't it great?
-This is sickening.

Yeah, but it is also about buying
while the market is down, right?

Now, you'll get a chance to settle
in the house before I tell you

who will be
the first to be roasted tonight.

-Welcome!
-Thanks, Linda. Thank you.

This is exciting.

I just want to say good luck roasting me.
I have no weak spots at all.

This place is insane. It's too crazy.

What's this? Whoa.

-God, this is huge.
-Almost enough space for our egos.

Okay, there are several floors.
What's going on?

The villa is fucking gorgeous.
I love how she's decorated it.

What's going on here, man?

I'm positively surprised
by how well things have gone for Linda.

No! Get off!

Mikkel Klint Thorius and Simon Talbot
are two Golden Retrievers,

running around, smelling things
and touching everything.

But I will tell you one thing,

it will be Dybvad or Ane that will
take them for walks. It won't be me.

Hey! This is my favorite wine.

If there is something I love,
it's the wine "Vin."

You're somewhat of a connoisseur.
This is one of the good ones.

-Do you know about "Vin"?
-It's a wine.

-Everyone gone to the bathroom? Yes?
-Yes.

It's getting exciting, but even wilder?

The first one to be roasted tonight,

that's you, Simon Talbot.

I've broken into your house.
There was a lot of cat food,

-and I packed a small suitcase.
-Any medication?

I couldn't be sure, so hope I found
Cyklonova or antifibrinolytic medicine.

It is crossing boundaries, Linda filling
a suitcase with my private stuff.

It's setting the stage for some
personal ammunition to be thrown around.

Besides the fact that you
have galloping ADHD, you also have

you also have a lot of freaky illnesses.

I have been reading up on them on WebMD.

We all can do that.
I've printed a small summary

-which is also in the suitcase.
-Is this legal?

A little law or two
have probably been violated.

I hoped it had been forgotten again.

But if so, let me remind you
that Simon used to host Bingo Banko.

You've never looked more androgynous
than on that picture.

It's fun to bully him for Bingo Banko.
A huge success, but you still wanna go...

Such an entertaining program.

-Jehovah boy?
-Yes. That's me in the uniform.

That is me. The Jehovah boy.

Let's go back to what I was called
in elementary school.

And now I think everyone
should be allowed to go nuts.

We'll make such harsh jokes that your nose
starts bleeding? That must be the goal.

The Jehovah boy.
Sounds like something you find on Youporn.

Damn, he's done a lot of shows.

Going to the US is pretty exciting.

Maybe because I wasn't

impressed. It was actually a bit

sad.

It is an Achilles' heel that I need
to massage... It needs massaging.

It's obvious to address
his huge failure in the USA.

Because it went so badly.

These are posters from his bald period.

I didn't realize that.
I thought that was an aesthetic choice.

This is the first time I hear about this.
I thought he'd let it grow.

Now that I know it required medical
attention, I really want to touch on it.

I'm well aware
he's a self-proclaimed nerd,

and I shouldn't be a gatekeeper
for defining a nerd.

-Do you hold a grudge against him?
-No.

As long as he knows

that every time he claims, "I'm the nerd,"
I look at him and think,

"Simon Talbot the nerd."

...I know it's because
you were born too late.

But you didn't experience the ten years
when it actually sucked to be a nerd.

You came into this where,

"I'm also a nerd. I've played Candy Crush,

"so I'm a gamer." Give it a rest!

It was actually a private issue,
but he's a dad now. After a long time.

I've heard that this is something

that he needs time to process,
before he can talk about it on stage.

So I think it'll do good
if somebody else does.

I'm not going to talk about this.

I'll aim for his body.
I can already feel it.

It's obvious because it's so broken.

There is plenty to go around on that body.
Enough for two, I suppose.

His career is a roast in itself.
His body is a roast in itself.

His past as a Jehovah's Witness
is also a fucking roast in itself.

We could have done
eight shows with Talbot.

I don't think we want the same thing.

Even if we both
want to talk about his body.

It's always exciting to make fun of
something Talbot hasn't joked about

because you know
that if he's made jokes about it,

there's self-irony and it's fair game.

But you do want to get at something new
and a bit of a sore spot.

So he can sit feeling a bit sore.

I am going to...

For all of you who don't know
how fucked up he really is,

I'm going to present,
in a totally scientific way,

-what's wrong with Simon Talbot.
-Okay.

The big risk I'm taking is that this is
something that really interests me.

I will out-nerd Simon Talbot.

I will out-nerd him so violently that it
will take that identity away from him.

He finds it interesting to use foam swords
because he's a hemophiliac.

That's the only reason for it.

We can't avoid touching on
the same issues.

I think we'll have the same angle,
but different punchlines.

I would like to make
an unconventional roast.

So, since I know that
the USA adventure is my topic,

I'm thinking, I'll write a damn song
about how fucking bad it went.

What rhymes with stupid and ugly?

He believes I'm sweet. He thinks I'm nice.
He doesn't think it's going to get ugly.

And then, whack...

The woodpecker hits him
right between his ugly eyes

where there's plenty of space
due to the width between his eyes.

He looks handicapped.

Hey, folks. Look what I found.
Isn't it crazy?

Yeah, that's something you have
when you own a house worth 150 million.

If anybody would start a water fight,
it'd be Simon.

He's just a big fucking man-child.

Some in your coffee?

How hard do you have to throw water
for your whole face to get bruised?

I'm making a huge effort
to keep my dignity.

I'm opting out. I'm not interested.
I don't find it amusing.

I am a fully grown man.

I believe I succeeded
for the first 30 to 40 seconds.

Fire in the hole!

Ouch!

-I thought we were on the same team.
-I covered you. You were in the way.

Having a good time? Who won?

-Do we look like winners?
-Yeah, but I have...

Put on some dry clothes
so you don't get sick.

-That's good. See you later.
-See you later. Take care.

Let me hurry and get my phone out.

-Lasse is asking to get in the pool.
-No. no, no.

I see it in his eyes.
His mouth says no but his eyes say yes.

Boys and girls,
you have a roast to finalize.

I feel like I need to go
jump in Ane's bed now.

I feel it starting to tingle.
You become a bit nervous.

I'm really looking forward to it,
I have some hilarious material.

Well, I'm a really competitive person.
I intend to win by being the best.

Just give it that extra push.
Two hundred percent.

Or at least 150%.

One hundred twenty!
At least 120%, and from there,

the only way is up.

Welcome to Roast on the Coast.

For the next six evenings,
obnoxiousness will fly all over us,

and it will be simply wonderful.

I'll be selecting who delivered
the best roast each night.

The very last night, one of the comedians
will walk away with this beautiful...

This trophy.

And as the winner of Roast on the Coast.

Once all the comedians have roasted
tonight, I will decide who did it best.

I will do that by using the SCL principle.
Which is the surprises...

I personally think it's really great.
Surprises...

Like approaches and themes.

Courage, who goes to the edge, and beyond,

where it hurts a bit. Right, Simon?
And of course, the loudest Laughs.

-Talle-balle, may I call you that?
-Preferably not, but yes.

-Do you have a final wish?
-A final wish?

Remember me for who I was before this.

Well, I think we should get started.
Right?

The night's first roaster is a man

who was photoshopped
as a beaver on a show poster

without the need for many changes.

Tobias Dybvad, ladies and gentlemen.

It's always exciting to open the ball.

-Yes.
-There's a little extra at play.

-Hello, my friend.
-Hello, my good friend.

I'm so grateful
that we're starting with you.

Because why not start with the easiest?
Don't get me wrong.

I love you. God hates you.

Your body is useless. You are what in
biblical terms would be called a draft.

-You left the Jehovah's Witnesses at 13?
-Yes.

And it's not immediately funny,
but you have to imagine

that it always looks funny to leave
something when you're a toe walker.

It means that your Achilles' tendons
are too short. I imagine

it must be like walking down a steep hill
and try to avoid stepping on Lego bricks.

So God hates Talbot.
That's why he's always the first to laugh,

in case the audience
should be struck by lightning.

You tried to make it in the US.
You said the idea was

that you wanted to laugh at yourself
in another language.

Honestly, I think it's brave
trying to work in the US with that body.

A country totally without any type
of healthcare system.

Your body is useless, and I haven't
even mentioned your ears yet.

You should see him with reading glasses.
The temples are at the bottom.

But Talbot is tough.
He is like, "Fuck you, God."

Let's build a house
on the coast of Solrød Strand.

Too bad for the other homeowners
that they were hit by that storm surge.

But Talbot was cool as ice. He just stood
at the dock in his underwear,

just like Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump,
and said,

"Is that all you got, you bastard?
Come on, man."

Talbot is brave.
On his own initiative, he left

the huge box office success Bingo Banko.

To follow his heart and act in Kvæg-ræs 2.

Kvæg-ræs 2: The Fight for Honor.

Never has the word "honor"
been used so recklessly.

All participants had already lost
at the airport.

You were heavily bullied
by other comedians when you started

because you had this annoying
natural charm and stage presence.

And you were just like,
"Yeah, okay, bring on your bland hate.

"You are not God."

Simon Talbot.

Tobias Dybvad!

-There is a laugh with every line.
-It's just...

It's like tender taint.

I couldn't say it better.

Let's move on to the next roast.
It's a comedian who,

unlike Lasse Rimmer, has actually never
been teased for having a young girlfriend

because there's so much else to focus on.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ane Høgsberg.

Simon... I don't think this is easy.

'Cause you've been through
so much already.

I'm honestly doubting
whether you can handle it.

Not many people know that you were
a Jehovah's Witness.

It is not something you mention a lot.
But tonight, we will be open about it.

Because of that religion, there are
many things you were never allowed to try.

You never celebrated a birthday.
You didn't get to celebrate Christmas.

You were never drunk as a teenager
or tried to finger newly confirmed girls.

I think that is a real pity,
so I have organized...

Not that you've fingered girls...
But I see this session as a confirmation.

You know it is all about you.
We have to expose your insecurities

and like we do at every
proper confirmation, we'll have

a confirmation song. So...

-Here we go.
-Yes.

I've written many celebration songs
in my life,

so I know what a good
personal celebration song should contain.

It has to rhyme and also contain
something super embarrassing.

In your case, there are a lot
of embarrassing subjects to choose from.

However, honestly,
nothing is more embarrassing

than your ambition of making it
as a great comedian in the US.

You packed your belongings
as if you were Thomas Eje from Linie 3.

You decided,
"I'm gonna make it over there."

But instead of talking about it,
I suggest we sing about it.

And if that isn't enough,
I actually have, before we start...

I'd like you to put this on.
Put on the Hat of Shame.

I would like for you

to think about the emotion

you had when sitting
on the plane back home,

thinking, "It didn't happen, Talle.

-"It didn't happen."
-Yes.

If we're unsure about who we're singing
about, he'll be shown here, I believe.

I'd like to ask you to sing along,
as it only adds to the humiliation.

THE LITTLE TALBOT TOOK OFF,

ON A TRIP TO THE USA

HE WAS HOPING FOR SUCCESS,
ATTEMPT TO BE A COMEDIAN

HE PACKED UP ALL HE OWNED,

AND BROUGHT KATRINE ALONG

HE QUICKLY BECAME AWARE,

IT WASN'T THAT MUCH FUN

I would like to,
before we get to the next verse...

It doesn't rhyme much
but I felt it should be included.

Bear with me, it was really hard
to make the next part rhyme.

DAMN, IT WAS A DRAG, YEAH

A DRAG, A DRAG, A DRAG, A DRAG

YEAH, IT WAS REAL DRAG, A REAL, REAL DRAG

-Congratulations, my friend.
-Ane Høgsberg, ladies and gentlemen.

How humiliating was that
on a scale from one to a hundred?

First of all, I didn't know the melody
of "En lille nisse rejste."

That added to the humiliation.

It was a drag, drag.
Well, it was a drag, drag, drag.

-It was incredibly brave of Ane to...
-Brave?

We're moving on. The next roaster
is a man who, on Test Nationen,

was measured to have an IQ of 156,

which qualifies one to join Mensa,

but apparently wasn't enough to stay away
from Nikita Klæstrup.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lasse Rimmer!

Hi. I'm so glad to be able
to say this to your face,

and I know I'm a few months late on this,
but I just want to start by saying

congratulations, Simon, to you and your
beautiful wife on the new addition.

And I'm talking about your hairstyle.

It's been incredibly successful,
I must say.

You look like a 37-year-old man
with incipient hair loss.

I know it cost a fortune,

and honestly,
it was worth every second penny.

I can understand the choice.

By the way, I also want to mention
how impressive I find it

that you and Katrine
have reached the finish line

after a tough journey of over ten years.

I know fertility treatment can be intense,

and you've succeeded, welcoming
little, adorable Ada into the world.

I think there were many comedians over
the years hoping it wouldn't work out.

No!

It's your own fault, Talbot. It is.

You said your gene pool
shouldn't be passed on.

I take your security blanket
away from you tonight.

You're not the underdog
you've introduced us to. You aren't.

We've all heard it before,
"My Achilles tendons are a bit too short."

"It takes me a day extra
before the bruises are gone," and,

"Sometimes, when I'm being tickled,
a bit of urine comes out my belly button."

The last part is a rumor,
I'm trying to spread.

It may sound as if I'm not taking
your health challenges seriously.

That's because I don't.
You're just too good looking.

Your issues are on the inside.
You know that.

You've seen yourself in a mirror.

And now you're smiling with all
those teeth that you're so proud of.

It's a beautiful smile. It could be worse.
You could have Dybvad's smile.

You could have had Moderaterne's smile,

where half of them are hiding, afraid of
being kicked out if they're discovered.

That's how you look
if you don't correct it along the way.

I don't have any hereditary diseases,
but I look like someone who does.

You have a list so long
that I can't even comprehend it,

and you look
like someone who doesn't have any.

And then you have people like me
feeling like Stephen Hawking,

bound to a wheelchair, slurping
another meal of soup through a straw

while you're tap dancing around me,
telling me how lucky I am

that I don't know
how expensive orthopedic shoes are.

First and foremost, I'm here to take
the title of nerd from you.

It ends now. It stops now.
On behalf of Denmark's nerds,

I now proudly and honestly say,
"We do not claim Simon Talbot."

You weren't there when it was tough,
and that's just what I want to say to you.

You belong to
a blessed generation that expects

a role-playing store on every Main Street
in a medium-sized provincial town.

Some of us played role-playing games
when you couldn't just buy an elf costume,

but had to stick up
those pointed ears from scratch

with some papier-mâché.

We're a generation
that were nerds in the '80s.

When the listing for "nerd"
in the thesaurus

said "chronically home-dwelling virgin."

And I'm one of those nerds
who paid the price.

I was over 40 before I could attract
women in their twenties.

Yes, I may sound resentful, but I'm not.

First and foremost, you are also
one of the Danish comedians

who writes jokes that make me laugh

harder than anybody else.
Not more than you yourself, of course.

Simon Talbot.

Lasse Rimmer.

-Are you still with us?
-Yes.

I'm shocked, you guys are good.

I love Lasse saying that all the comedians

wished that my daughter wouldn't be born.

That was my favorite,

-even though it was really brutal.
-It was so true. Yes.

-It was brutal! I loved that.
-You're keeping it up, Simon. Good on you.

We will move on to this evening's
last roaster. It's a man

whose name I primarily mention
to the other comedians.

They can remember his name,
Mikkel Klint Thorius.

You only just wrote it. You have no idea
if you will remember it or if it is funny.

Then you have to verbally abuse a friend,
not knowing if he's cool about it,

or if he'll hate you for it.
But it's also exciting.

Talbot, we've come to know
each other quite well

and I don't really have
a degree in medicine.

However, you only need a pair of eyes
to see that you are completely fucked.

If we start by looking at your ears.

You do have ears,

but they look like cinnamon rolls
that have been soaking in a bathtub.

And then there is your hair,
and I do mean "your."

You're bald.
That's not even up for discussion.

You have some really weird priorities.

You fixed the hair
but didn't touch the ears.

It's a bit like
Gollum having a boob job done.

It does make a difference
but you're still a freak.

You were bald on the poster
for your show Optur.

And then you showed up at the opening
with hair. Without talking about it.

Why? It's a perfect subject
for a comedian.

But I assume it's
a bit of a sore spot for you.

My guess is that you'd say, "We had
six years of fertility treatments"

before you'd be willing to say,
"My hair is from Alanya."

It's crazy having a wife go
through fertility treatment.

A brutal process, where they take out
her eggs. And while she's doing that,

you look at her and say, "I want to go
to Türkiye and have my hair done."

Now on to the genitals.
You have a very nice wife, Simon,

and I'm really happy for you.

Because if you hadn't met her, you would
have died young of a venereal disease.

In his twenties, he had so much herpes
that his herpes had herpes.

Your nickname at the Center
for Venereal Diseases was "Patient Zero."

It is a well-known theory
that the coronavirus came about

after Simon Talbot licked a bat's pussy.

I believe it took you seven
years to have kids.

Because it took six years for the sperm
to come out of your gigantic penis.

Well, you also have to acknowledge
the things he's got going for him.

Let me just say something about fertility.
I don't think you have poor sperm quality,

I just think you're depleted.

You started, listen...
You started your career recklessly,

emptying out your testicles
in the triangle area.

I've seen desperate hair dressers from
Viborg trying to wring Talbot's testicles

like a dry kitchen rag...
Like it was the Fountain of Youth.

So to summarize, from a medical point
of view, you're completely useless.

At the same time,
you're absolutely fantastic.

I care a lot about you

and in my opinion, you're probably
the biggest in our industry.

I'm talking to your cock right now.
Really, Talbot, you're okay.

My man.

Mikkel Klint Thorius.

These were the four roasts.
Give them a big hand.

Okay, I'm really easy to make fun of.

Tonight's best roast
distinguished itself by surprising me.

It was sharp.

This comedian can be
both loving and stinging

and walk the fine line between the two.
I really like that.

Tonight's best roast is Ane Høgsberg,
ladies and gentlemen.

-Congratulations, Ane.
-Thank you.

Maybe I'm not the loudest all the time,
but I gather information.

And when the time comes...

Then I strike like a cobra.

A tired, fat cobra, but a cobra.

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming.
Tomorrow, we do it all over.

Tomorrow, the victim in the chair
will be Tobias Dybvad.

I don't understand how you can micro dose
the drugs you have taken over time,

and then at the same time OD on tattoos.

-And then he's in full blackface.
-No, don't remind people of that.

I know everyone thinks I'm too harsh.
But that's what I am.

COMING UP