All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast - Norway S01E05.en-us.dialog.subtitle

Dear, dear Nora.

Dear Nora.

-Nora.
-Nora.

I've been looking forward to this.

I'm going to be pretty hard on Nora.

-She does everything wrong.
-Is this a world champion we're seeing?

I've planned a surprise for Nora.
I think she's going to like it.

ROAST ON THE COAST
NORWAY

It is my day today.

It's time to get up.

I woke up with mixed feelings today.

Because I don't want to be roasted.

I'm a little anxious, and that's why I'm…

I'm going to do something I can control
and start the day with some exercise.

-No!
-Yes?

-What's going on?
-It's time to get up now.

Okay.

I've been through
a lot of hardships in my life.

One of the worst things
I've ever experienced

is being woken up with a megaphone
by Nora Svenningsen.

Fu… it.

-And here's Otto. Good to see you.
-What's up?

No… I have…

I thought we could start the day
with a little workout.

-It's workout time.
-You go ahead.

No, for fuck's sake.

Did you get wheels and shit
that we'll be doing now?

I made a deal with the goat farmer.

"Can I borrow the wheels?"
I had to give him a blow job.

-It was worth it.
-Oh, my.

I know Nora is dreading it.
It's her first time.

It's something you have to go through.
A kind of trial by fire.

I'm fragile today,
so it's incredibly inconvenient

for me to sit in that chair
and be hammered for an hour

about what's wrong with me.

Nora.

What can I say in a roast that you don't
already tell yourself in the mirror?

The first time I met you
was on the ferry to Denmark.

At least I think it was you.
You and your homies.

Because the boat was full
of one-armed bandits.

Your career is going like clockwork.

Last winter, you were awarded
"Humor Sprout of the Year."

And that sprout has become
a full-fledged vegetable.

You've said in an interview
that you try to find ugly clothes

and style them into something cool.
You will succeed eventually.

So far, you've focused mostly
on the first part.

Finding ugly clothes.

When you put an outfit together,
the outfits says,

"Everything looks like crap
and nothing goes together."

"They look like Magnus Devold's face."

Today you're dressed like
a mix of Benny from Olsenbanden

and Lena from Døden på Oslo S.

And you talk like Roy Narvestad.

You do. Really, you do.

That is true.

There hasn't been much written about you
in the newspapers over the years,

but when you were young,
you won a drawing competition.

You were supposed to draw Arsenal players.

When you won the competition,
the article said,

"Nora Svenningsen plays
on the 'Hei Girls 14' soccer team."

I thought,
"Where have I heard that before?"

"Hei Girls 14."

Yes, that was when Steinar was circling
the Norway Cup last summer.

You've said that you like
to sleep with tourists.

You've slept with so many tourists
that you're the first comedian in Norway

to have your own page on Tripadvisor.

And there…

I found an excerpt from a review.

"Nora is like the Bergen Fish Market,
full of tourists and smells of shrimp."

Someone replied,

"I disagree. The Fish Market is expensive.
Nora is surprisingly cheap."

I think my roast went well.
Nice to get a laugh from whoever you…

Sorry.

I didn't know Magnus
and his sense of humor

before I came here, but I've gotten
to know him, and he's funny.

He's subtle.
There's a stoic calmness about him.

Magnus is consistently very good.

I hope he wins.

There it is.

I feel like I know what's in there.

If you've only had one year,
there's a year of stuff in it.

We're not talking 20 years here.

Obviously, my career is short,

so when we open the suitcase,

I think everyone knows
that there won't be much to talk about.

-What is that?
-A hammock?

I think it was something on Gullruten.
You were nominated for Kongen befaler,

and you arrived on the red carpet
in a fishing net.

Yes, in a net. It looked a lot like this.

I had my tits on display. And was…

-Trude Drevland called me a disgrace.
-Yes.

-I was like…
-Have you scolded…

When Trude Drevland calls me a disgrace…

It's an honor to be called that by her.

I'm thinking that…

-She has yelled at me too.
-Otto, we're more alike than people think.

-Have you received an award?
-I have actually received one.

"Humor Sprout of the Year."

I think she seems a little neurotic
as a person.

We are on the penultimate day
of a long week. I miss home.

We haven't been outside the house.
The neighbors are goats.

I'm tired. I noticed that I didn't get
my period when I was supposed to.

Am I pregnant?

In that sense,
she might get a little more hurt than us

thick-skinned old-timers.

Otto is brutal.

But he tends to be hard on the things
I don't really care about.

Things like my career is no problem.

If Otto turns around, looks me in the eye,
and talks about how ugly I am,

then I'm gonna need a break afterwards.

Dear Nora.

You're probably the person
I've been dreading roasting the most.

A 70-year-old white man
roasting a young girl like you

is like pulling the pin out
of the woke grenade and lying on the sofa

with a glass of port.

It's impressive what you've achieved,
despite your young age.

You've been a world champion
in CrossFit for the disabled.

And lately you've done well as a comedian.

Admittedly in the Para humoristic branch
of female humor.

Being one of Norway's
elite female comedians

must give you the same intense feeling
as when you in the CrossFit Games

ran from highly-trained wheelchair users.

Despite having an arm
that doesn't behave quite right.

You are a worthy representative
of disability sport, Nora.

It is important that people with defects
also experience mastery.

But personally, I'm worried
about future recruitment.

There are forces that are putting
a spanner in the works for you.

I am of course thinking of
the movement against the use of landmines.

A total ban on landmines

would be disastrous for ensuring
the breadth of disability sports.

We can't base our recruitment
solely on traffic accidents

and people climbing high-voltage pylons.

You deserve praise for shining a light
on major societal problems.

Take this dress, for example.

Here you use your garment to signal
your commitment to the environment.

The world's oceans are full
of ownerless ghost nets drifting around,

a death trap
for chubby, trusting dolphins.

You illuminate that problem, in all its
grotesque splendor, with this dress.

You also have other good values.

While other girls spend thousands
on outfits every time they go out,

you are happy
with a drift net and adult diapers,

to be dressed for the evening.

We've had a great time here in Cyprus
and I'm glad you've been here.

I'm also glad that I'll soon
be returning to my normal life,

where you will not be.

Thank you.

Otto was incredibly mild.

He attacked everything but me.
I appreciated that.

Surprisingly kind.
Oh, my God, it was praise.

I'm curious,
because you had a crazy career

-before being a comedian.
-Yes.

You were a top athlete,
with several championships.

What made you switch from sports to humor?

I think I realized
that working out is boring.

I hear you.

Yes. It's true.

I'm world champion in CrossFit
for disabled people.

To me, she's not disabled.
She just has a slightly limp arm.

She has probably competed
against people who are genuinely disabled.

It almost feels like cheating
or something.

Para athlete, is that what it's called?

Yes.

How limited… Like…

What qualifies you to become a para…

-There are degrees, right?
-But, man,

when it's further down like CrossFit,
which is not a Paralympic sport,

it's often kind of home-grown World Cups.
"We'll meet in my garage."

"Then we'll crown a world champion."

-Could I have competed?
-You could, yes.

I've competed against someone
with low blood pressure.

-Are you kidding?
-No, she got dizzy from doing burpies.

What a fun world.

Anyone can become a world champion

if you choose competitors who are
more disabled than yourself.

I think Nora is a little more nervous
than she lets on to us.

She's joking
with all real emotions around us.

But I feel we're similar
when it comes to emotions within us,

so I think she's very nervous.

Nora Svenningsen. That was quick.

Nora Svenningsen,
Obelix fell into the magic potion,

while you fell into the frying oil.

You landed on your arm and was disabled.

I know I speak on behalf of many

when I thank you for everything
you've done for belly tops.

Just kidding.

You were provoked by being asked
to take part in 16 Weeks of Hell.

I can understand that.
Sixteen weeks wouldn't be enough.

But I genuinely think
it's annoying to be asked

about 16 Weeks of Hell,
because your potential is greater.

Here's a small list of things I think…

you'd rather do than 16 Weeks of Hell.

Deadliest Catch, as a crab.

Love is Blind.

You can be the wall.

A spin-off series with
Sigurd Can't get Laid.

Where Sigurd meets you.
The show is called Sigurd Gets AIDS.

Or Sigurd is Raped by a Crab
and Gets AIDS.

You impress me, Nora. You became
world champion in CrossFit with one arm.

And then you became
a comedian with one joke.

Nora, I must say, with all sincerity,
that I love you.

I'm actually a huge fan of yours.

The biggest compliment I can give you
is that I was recently with Ole Soo,

and asked him,
"What do you think of Nora Svenningsen?"

He answered, "She's okay."

Yes.

I liked Martin's crab joke.
Some callbacks to the ocean floor.

Martin is good.

Here comes what I would call a good bunch.

In a way, we're here on holiday,

to drink and hopefully flirt a little,

so I didn't think people
were too keen on working out.

But someone has to do it.

I can work out,
but when it comes as a surprise,

I get a little grumpy.

This is a very skeptical group.

-No, let's get to it.
-It's a vacation, with a sudden workout.

It's embarrassing to exercise on TV.
What's in it for me?

What is CrossFit?

CrossFit is that you're supposed
to be good at everything.

I don't want to be negative,
but I'm struggling now.

Magnus, have you tried
tractor tires before?

No, I haven't.

-No? What do you think about it?
-I'm thinking of South Africa.

They put tractor tires over people
and set them on fire.

-Oh.
-Yes.

Everything Otto says is brutal.

I find that really funny.

We're supposed to flip them over, right?

Steinar, show us.

Steinar, who normally looks like
a eunuch with low testosterone…

Watch your back.

Seeing him attack

those devices…

made my ovaries shake a little.

-Isn't it like that?
-That's not what we're going to do today.

What we're doing
with the tractor tires is…

This workout routine…

The world champions I know…

don't work out
quite like this world champion.

Jump inside.

I think everyone can give it a try.

-Lisa goes first.
-What do you mean by "give it a try"?

Very good. You didn't even need to
gather momentum between the jumps.

Magnus. Yes.

There you go.

This is the laziest workout
I've ever seen.

She does everything wrong.
Nothing is used the way it should be.

CrossFit seems like
a mysterious sport to me.

I can't believe that
there's a world championship in this.

Where do you find
all the people who do this?

-Casual stroll, as usual.
-Casual stroll.

Great that Otto takes part.

Are your Crocs in sport mode?
No, he doesn't have the heel strap on.

Today he joined in
for almost three minutes.

I need to sit.

I wasn't particularly enthusiastic
about Nora's workout.

It's not just the arm
that's working against you, Nora.

I find it hard to believe
that she has been a world champion.

-Is this a world champion we're seeing?
-World champion, all right.

I'm looking forward to roasting Nora.

I'm wondering if I should tread carefully.

She's pretty new to this.

I fear Steinar.

Steinar is a cold-blooded, bald killer.

He says it like it is.

That's why I'm dreading this.
He's so incredibly good.

I'll just go for it and see what happens.

Dear, dear Nora.

We need to start by talking about
the only thing people associate with you.

You have a major disability,

and that is that you dress
chronically slutty.

I first met you
in connection with this show.

I noticed that when you greet people,
you raise your dead hand…

with your functioning hand.

We've had a group meeting,

and we don't really want
to touch your dead hand.

Greet with your left hand.

Lisa doesn't greet people by saying,

"Touch my face."

You like fashion.

At least that's what you've said.
I've been thinking about that.

Birgit Skarstein and Captain Hook,

they do not dress like crack whores
just because they're disabled.

I don't know.

But…

I'm going to be a little serious, Nora.

You are paralyzed due to a birth injury,

after you got stuck during birth.

I talked to the doctor at work that day,
and the reason why you got stuck

was because your mother
has the same whore style as you.

You got stuck in her girdle on the way out
and it wrapped around your arm,

so you couldn't get out properly. Boring.

No. I'm just kidding, Nora.
You're mother wasn't as slutty as you.

Your mother still feels a little guilty

about the complications during the birth,

so she keeps calling you.
You and your mother are good friends.

Especially when she loses her car keys
between the seat and the center console

and needs a thin hand to reach it.

"Honey, I need the mini arm!"

"Those fucking keys. Fuck!"

"I'm coming home, Mom."

You've actually won
a world championship gold medal

in something called "adaptive CrossFit."

Lisa just woke up.
I didn't say "adoptive CrossFit."

That would be fun.
That would be something for you, Lisa.

I'll try to explain
what adaptive CrossFit is.

It's kind of CrossFit for disabled people…

Basically, it's not CrossFit.

Even if you're working hard to make sure
everyone sees your cross-pussy.

I read your local newspaper.

When researching you,
you have to go to local newspapers.

Not many national media outlets
write about you.

But I read that when you were 12,
you won a drawing competition

in the Arsenal supporters club.

That's really cool.
I got hold of the drawing.

I'll show you how nice it was.
You drew this and sent it in.

With the net. It's nice that you've drawn
both arms approximately the same size.

And you thought, when you were 12,
that you'd get slightly bigger boobs.

Very nice, well done.
I hope you continue to draw.

I think I pushed Nora pretty good.

A bit harsh and nice.
She's smiling. She handled it well.

We'll go ahead with the last roast,
please welcome Lisa Tønne.

I've planned a surprise for Nora
in her roast.

She'll think it's fun.

She's going to be terrified at first,
and then she'll think it's fun.

Nora. I've been looking forward to this.

I was thrilled when I heard
that you were joining us.

As a 46-year-old, it's so rare that I get
to be the hottest girl in the group.

You do have some innate challenges.

I'm not thinking about your wanking hand.

Personally, I've become
more interested in your huge jawline.

I think it's fun that you've chosen
to put some bling on your canine.

It's as stupid as if I grew a mustache
only on my paralyzed side.

But I feel that a roast is hard on you,
so I've thought that

what I'm going for
is a kind of motivational talk.

You can't forget
the small child inside of you, Nora.

I've managed to get
a picture of you as a child.

And you are so beautiful.

A cute little girl.

Six years old, no front teeth.

Before this roast, Nora, you said,
"I have only one no-go

of topics that I don't want you to touch,
and that is 'body count.'"

That's youth language
for how many people you've slept with.

I respect that.

Of course I'm not going to stand here
and list off all of your sex partners.

Your father will.

It's Dad!

HANS PETTER SVENNINGSEN
NORA'S FATHER

No, it's Dad.

It's Dad.

Shouldn't you be at work?

"Nora's sex list."

This is her father reading.

"An Australian
who swallowed my nose piercing."

"Three out of ten."

No!

"A member of the Japanese mob."

"Eight out of ten."

"A Bodø/Glimt player."

"A brilliant finish."

"Nine out of ten."

"Josh Groban."

"I think. But he spoke Danish."

"Four out of ten."

How much more are there?

I don't know.

Here's a list with lots of fruit,
kitchen utensils and our dog.

-I think we'll stop there.
-Yes.

-That's fine.
-Thank you.

Shouldn't you be at work?

The fact that Nora's father
read her sex list in front of the camera

surprised and impressed me.

He traveled a long way
and is going back home tomorrow.

Nora has never been more embarrassed.
I can see that.

It's the funniest thing the rest of us
have ever seen. It's ten out of ten.

Well done, Nora's Dad.

That was hilarious.

It's very difficult to pick one
that stood out the most.

But I have a winner that…

I mean, when you fly in my dad in
to read out my sex list…

Of course, Lisa, you're the winner.

Shit! I'm telling you.

When you fly in the victim's father,
you deserve to win.

And I think Lisa's routine
was at a very high level.

Welcome, Dad.

The exciting thing now is that anyone,
except for Martin, can win.

I'm the only one who hasn't won.

I don't have a damn thing more
to say about that.

Martin has a rich and varied career.

-Is that your pee?
-That is my pee.

And he's not ashamed of anything.

-Chocolate massage.
-No.