All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast - Norway S01E04.en-us.dialog.subtitle

Now, it's Magnus Devold.

Dear Magnus Devold.

Dear, dear Magnus.

I'm going to get him.

What the fuck is that?

Two meters of slumbering dead weight.

I just don't know
what you're going to roast me for.

ROAST ON THE COAST
NORWAY

What's going on? Martin?

This feels good.

This is incredibly disturbing to watch.
What are you doing?

I'm stressed.

Stressed?

No! Magnus is ready.

It is my day today.

Magnus is one of my favorite people.
At least in here.

I think I've seen everything
Magnus has done.

Kjør meg til OL, he was in New York.

I kveld med Ylvis, Best på fest.

I love Magnus. I love him.

I've seen Magnus Devold on TV…
a couple of times.

So far, the others have shown
zero interest in Cyprus and its culture.

So if they won't visit
the Cypriot culture,

the Cypriot culture will visit them.

Magnus, this is gonna be great.

You know so many people in Cyprus.

He often ends up in situations
where he gets to know local people.

So I think he just called
these guys on WhatsApp, saying,

"Thanks for last time.
Now you can dance inside a villa."

Don't mess up now, Magnus.

Balancing glasses on your head is…

It was all right. It was nice.

I notice that it's hard to impress me.

What a Cypriot start to the day.

Not many people look forward
to being roasted.

If you do, you're probably a narcissist,
in a weird way.

I assume many of them

will talk about my weird, long body

and crooked face.

It's a little unpleasant
to say mean things to Magnus,

but Magnus has been
one of the meanest guys here.

So I'm going for it. I'm going to get him.

We've been together in this house
for a few days now.

It will lead to something good.

I'm going to pitch a new TV show.

We're changing
The Coastal Express Minute by Minute

to Magnus, Otto and Steinar
Eat Dinner Minute by Minute.

It's the most boring thing
I have ever seen.

You guys complain about us talking
too much. You don't say anything.

It's fucking awful!
Me, Lisa, and Nora normally go

somewhere else when you eat

because it's so fucking awkward.

I've listened to you having dinner.

The only thing that happens is…

And maybe Magnus says, "Nice."

And that's it.

It's horrible.

I asked you, "What's it like being
introverted and slightly brain damaged?"

Your answer was, "We introverts

think just as much as you outroverts."

Maybe it's extroverts. Fuck.

-Well done, Martin.
-It's great.

That's a tough one.

You're doing good.

I'm doing it.

You say that you think
just as much as we do.

But I don't believe you.

I think your inner monologue
is identical to you outer monologue.

I think, in your head,

that you walk around
in the world thinking,

"Me Magnus."

"Walk strange. Others laugh. Don't care."

"Me Magnus tired."

"Magnus tired, sleep."

"Maria lies beside me, pretty."

It always looks like you're about to say,
"Sorry for being alive."

You're not forgiven, Magnus.

You get a lot of shit
for your stupid face.

But not everyone knows
that Magnus was in an accident as a kid.

What happened when Magnus was a kid
was that he got a hook in his mouth,

and then he was pulled up from a depth
of 3,000 meters, far too fast,

so you kind of exploded.

I imagine the fishermen who pulled you up,
"What the fuck is that?"

"What is that? No!"

"It's talking! Bloody hell!"

"There's another one, with a crab claw."

I will never forgive you, Magnus,
for killing Steve Irwin.

And at one point,
you might have children, Magnus.

I know that the Bergen Aquarium
is really looking forward to it.

You are my favorite fish, Magnus.

Thank you.

It was a little unpleasant to roast him
because you care about him

when you start calling him ugly.

And then he looks up at you
with those doe eyes of his…

and you don't want to do it.

On the bright side, maybe he doesn't have
much to say about my personality.

-Are you excited?
-Yes.

-Should I do it?
-Yes, open it.

I'll do it.

-It's an Olympic torch.
-An Olympic torch.

-Yes, the Olympic torch.
-Drive Me to the Olympics.

-Were you driven to the Olympics?
-I didn't have a licence.

Right.

But I really wanted to go to the Olympics.

First in Pyeongchang, then in Tokyo.

-So I got others to drive me there.
-Yeah.

He doesn't have his license,

so he got someone to drive him
to the Olympics in Japan.

It's quite forward-thinking, I think.
I wouldn't have done that.

Then there's this, Magnus.

I don't think this is TV.
I think this is private.

I sleep with that. I did a sleep analysis.

I stop breathing.

It blows air in.
It's connected to a machine.

-I thought that went in your mouth.
-There.

-That was new.
-Yes.

When people google you,
they find Drag Me Out.

Haven't you been in drag or a lady

-on some trips?
-Yes.

I've been a lady a few times.
I don't know how stylish I was.

Will there be a sequel?

-Does it turn you on?
-You have really slim legs.

You are a huge drag artist.

I am not a petite lady.

Shall I let you
take a deep-dive into my life?

-Yes.
-Yes.

Then I'm out of here.

Be careful.

-Down and out.
-Here's the edge.

-Are you going to help him?
-Pretend it's the Olympics.

There it is.

This is my entire career.

I just don't know
what you're going to roast me for.

I'm really dreading roasting Magnus.

I have only his looks to attack.

I feel really bad about it,
but that's all I've got.

I think today is gonna be painful,
mostly for me.

Yes, it's Magnus Devold.

You're two meters tall.

Your hairline should be okay
for another five years or so.

Big shoes, big feet. Big heart.

With a pacemaker.

So, what more can you dream about?

You are a delicious dream man in my eyes.

A delicious dream man.

You are more than two meters, Magnus.

Which makes the missionary position
a nightmare.

Navel lint isn't the best thing
to eat during sex.

69 is not cool either.

You're, once again, greeting the navel.

And I think your navel is so deep, Magnus,

that if you dig deep enough,
you'll find Bjørn Johan Muri.

I haven't seen him in a long time.
He's in there making a new hit.

Right now.

I believe that.

You probably think it's great
when the waiter sings the birthday song.

You're also getting a little tired
after being in Cyprus with us.

I can see it.

Otto has been chasing you
around the pool and in the house all week.

All week. He's been running around.

It's not easy for an old troll hunter
to separate you and Dovregubben.

A British study says

that our appearance
may date back to an earlier age.

That you have features
that go further back in time.

I would've been placed in
the Renaissance. I have traits from there.

Lisa in 2014, the prime of ISIS.

Otto, Apartheid.

Martin, in the transition from ape to man.

Steinar, it's hard to place you
in a time period.

I don't know when
people started picking lingonberries.

Magnus, a classic victim of Pompeii.

You've built your career
on not having a driver's license.

"Drive me here" and "Drive me there."

But when you got your license,
you drove your own career into the ditch.

But, Magnus, if I had gotten the offer,

I would have driven you to the Olympics,
I would have driven you on vacation,

and I would have driven your cock.

It is an honor to roast you. Thank you.

Often you know where a joke heading
when you hear the start,

but this time you never got
what you expected. And that was funny.

He's a lovely guy.

There's not a bad bone in his body.
He's just genuinely kind.

He's so incredibly… Oh, no.

But it's not terribly difficult
to roast him.

No.

-Tall, odd. His girlfriend has vaginismus.
-What's that?

It's basically the muscles
in the vagina contracting.

-Okay.
-Were you wondering what a vagina was?

No, I've come across them before.
As far as I remember.

I have five minutes just on that.

-Five minutes on that?
-Yes.

Dear Magnus Devold. You are so sweet.

The weird thing about being here with you

is that I feel like the most normal one.

That doesn't happen very often.

There is a pool here.
It's nice to be here with the whole group.

And yesterday we went for a swim together.

And with so many strange bodies,

the pool looked like a stew
that's been reheated too many times.

Not a pretty sight.

Earlier today,
I was dozing in one of the sun loungers.

I thought you were lying next to me,
but I woke up

and saw that it was just
a pile of dirty towels.

I'm guessing that the Ylvis brothers
took you in

primarily to appear sympathetic.

"Bård, what if we bring in

this disabled guy who looks like shit,

then we'll look like
really sympathetic guys."

When they handed out
regular bodies, Magnus,

your parents decided to stay home.

Your body looks a bit like something

Nora drew while drunk, and not
with her lumpy hand, but with her asshole.

For some strange reason, you've told
the press that you like jigsaw puzzles.

It's the perfect thing for people
who no one wants to hang out with.

And your face also looks like a puzzle.

Not when you place the pieces correctly,

but when a piece doesn't fit,
you squeeze it in…

You have a girlfriend who has talked a lot

about having something called vaginismus.

Which means that her pussy is tight.

Not charmingly young and tight,
or "haven't had kids" tight,

or one that you keep lubing
and eventually it's fine. Not like that.

We're talking really, really tight.

Totally…

But there's always a way in.
Luckily she doesn't have anusismus.

As far as I know.

Maria has vaginismus,

but does that make her a vaginist?
I don't know.

It would almost be better
if she were a Nazi.

At least you can sleep with Nazis.

I mean, you're tall and blonde,

but perhaps not exactly
as Hitler envisioned.

You're not exactly the Aryan race.

Hitler would probably
be disappointed in you.

You would probably have ended up
in the gas chamber anyway,

on the weirdo quota.

You were part of the program Drag Me Out,

where the concept is that male celebrities
dress up as street whores.

You said you loved wearing drag.
You thought it was fantastic.

You found it liberating
to dress in women's clothes.

You might say that
you're born in the wrong body.

And we can all agree on that.

But there are no limits
to how wrong that body was going to be.

I really love Magnus,
so this was difficult.

At the end, I had to say that it was
all nonsense and "I love you."

Steinar worked hard today.
I think he worked really hard on that.

I'm coming.

I think she doesn't understand
the language, that she's hired locally.

-Do you understand the language? No.
-Guys…

-Yes, hi.
-Shut your pie hole, Steinar.

-Yes.
-I agree.

Meet Effie.

So now, we'll have a small

Cyprus quiz, Effie and me.

If you get it wrong,

Effie will scold you
in the old-fashioned Cypriot way.

Martin.

-I don't understand anything.
-I find this really strange.

We're in another country.

There are 800,000 people living in Cyprus,
and you haven't spoken to anyone.

I've made TV in more than 40 countries,

and I know the culture
and the people of each of them.

When did you have time to meet Effie?
When did it happen?

-We don't film 24 hours a…
-When did you find Effie?

We're not filming 24 hours a day, Martin.

Steinar, I'll start with you.

What is "I love Cyprus" in Greek?

I've said it several times.

Effie?

"Arrogant tourist," she says.

My new suede shoes.

Cool, awesome, Magnus. That's funny.

Magnus is the kind of person
who makes the world a better place.

I dread roasting Magnus.

Dear Magnus.

You are the perfect sidekick.

You've proven that in many shows.

You've been a sidekick
for the Ylvis brothers,

Jon Almaas, and now you're also
a sidekick for Maria Stavang.

Your girlfriend, Maria, has spoken
publicly about her vaginismus diagnosis

and how it has affected
her sex life with you.

As a woman, I can say that
that's downright brave of her.

It's really brave of her to admit
that she's sleeping with you.

When you have vaginismus, the muscles
in the woman's abdomen contract.

It's as if there's a tiny little Gandalf

standing in the opening…

of Maria's vagina,
with his little staff, saying,

-You have Marfan syndrome. Correct?
-That's right.

Marfan syndrome means that
the connective tissue in the body is weak.

If your connective tissue is as weak

as your ability to deal with conflict,

that's a problem.

You were at Bar Boca the night
Atle Antonsen tried to be funny

with Sumaya Jirde Ali while drunk.

When you were interviewed as a witness,

you told NRK that you were, "Taken aback."

Taken aback.

Was that really all you felt?

I feel you were born taken aback.

Have you ever not been
taken aback, Magnus?

You look like a guy who always apologizes
for something you haven't done.

If I ever make an ass out of myself,
I'm going to blame you.

Because you, you spineless jellyfish,

are just going to lay down flat
and apologize for everything.

If we want peace in the Middle East,

we should make you the leader of Hamas.

Allahu-taken-aback-bar.

-I'll try.
-Yes.

I really liked Lisa's roast.

She mentioned a few things that I'm
embarrassed about with my personality,

that she really took apart.

Martin! Come here.

What year was the big earthquake?

I gave you the answer
during Steinar's food tasting.

-I'm shaking like it's 1222.
-What?

-There was an earthquake here then.
-Was there?

We're learning a lot.

And I've told you on numerous occasions.

He's been giving us small hints.
He's like a puppetmaster.

He's been on a whole other level.

1785.

Otto?

Which bird is this?

-For fuck's sake!
-It's a male mallard.

Because it has a green head?

I'm sorry, guys, I've got the wrong bird.

I'm so sorry, Otto. Sorry.

A Cypriot splash hen.

-You don't know. Effie?
-No.

-A type of guinea fowl.
-That's what I thought.

Thank you.

That's great.

-This was embarrassing.
-Yes.

I hope you have learned

something about having some respect

-for the country and the culture we're in.
-Can I say that I've learned

-to say, "I love Cyprus"?
-Yes.

Totally wrong. Effie?

It's Latrévo tin Kýpro, Steinar.

-Yes, Latrévo tin Kýpro.
-That's all for the Cyprus quiz for now.

See you on the next episode.

Take care of yourselves.

I feel pure joy when I think
about roasting Magnus tonight.

It will be nice and pleasant.
He can take a punch.

You do have some expectations
of Otto Jespersen.

He was huge star
when I was incredibly small.

Dear, dear Magnus.

You have an impressive career.

No other Norwegian comedian has
been as close to as much success as you

without being a part of it.

The Ylvis brothers are some
of Norway's biggest comedians.

You've met them several times,

and even played small parts
in their shows.

Features that are long forgotten

by both the Ylvis brothers
and the Norwegian people.

But for their really big successes,

you've been 100% absent, Magnus.

"The Fox," that song about Jan Egeland,
and "Radio Taxi,"

all have millions of views on YouTube.

All completely devoid of Magnus Devold.

The less flour in the cocaine,
the harder it hits.

It's no surprise that NRK invited you
to the Hide and Seek championships.

Few people in Norway are better
at making themselves invisible.

Despite being over two meters tall,

you operate exclusively
in the shadow of others.

Magnus, you've talked about
your sleep issues on TV.

But I'd say that your problem
is to appear as credibly awake.

With this slow speed,

it's incredible
that you've made it this far.

Now, this isn't a competition,
but if we were to create a laxity scale,

I'd probably place you somewhere
between Nora Svenningsen's right hand

and the left side of Lisa Tønne's face.

And maybe slightly above
Martin Lepperød's penis.

Magnus, you are living proof
of how far hard work can take you

and how important it is to never give up.

And I'm thinking of those
who had to work their asses off

to find comedians for this show.

Who received no after no
from high-profile Norwegian comedians,

but never gave up.

They kept digging deeper
down into the bucket.

"There's Martin Lepperød.
He's pretty famous."

They didn't give up, they kept digging.

And down there, under the bucket…

they pull out two meters of slumbering
dead weight with an open calendar.

And now we are
fully staffed here in Cyprus.

In familiar Otto style, no holds barred.

Otto, you haven't gotten any softer.

-I haven't?
-No, you haven't.

I think you were all a lot of fun.

But the person I had
the most fun with was you, Nora.

-Yes!
-Yeah!

That was hilarious.

Congratulations.

It was awesome.

I enjoyed myself. I never knew
what the next punchline would be.

-No.
-That was funny.

Is it the world champion we're seeing?

I've planned a surprise
for Nora in her roast.