All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast - Norway S01E03.en-us.dialog.subtitle

This is your night.

-Hi, Lisa.
-Dear Lisa.

Lisa Tønne!

Lisa Tønne!

Lisa Tønne has led
a very roast-friendly life.

What's up?

-You husband cheated.
-You've had a brain tumor.

-You eat ice cream for breakfast?
-Yes.

That was too harsh.

I want to stop being nice.

ROAST ON THE COAST
NORWAY

My children! Come to me!

It's my day today.

For the start of the day,
I've put on a fluffy Jesus shirt.

There she is.

With her back to us.

And I know that, at the end of the day,

I'm going to be told
what a horrible person I am.

It shouldn't be difficult today.

I am taking you through
my breakfast routine.

-Is that ice cream?
-Yes.

-You eat ice cream for breakfast?
-Yes.

-Really?
-Yes.

Ice cream for breakfast

sounds like something
you promised yourself at five years old.

"When I grow up, I'll eat
ice cream for breakfast every day."

But you don't actually do it
when you grow up.

-Plant-based?
-Yes, plant-based ice cream.

-Isn't it good?
-Wow! It looks delicious.

I'm glad you brought this from Norway.

-Yum!
-Thawed and frozen several times.

How on earth
did you bring this from Norway?

In a cooler.

Not the best cooler I've ever seen.

Look at this ice cream.
It's been slightly damaged from the trip,

just like me.

Oh, Lisa, that was nice.

Nice? That was sad.

-Yeah, but nice and sad…
-That you have changed shape?

-Yes, a little.
-Okay.

I'm a little banged up.

But just as good.

-Just as plant-based.
-Just as plant-based.

Lisa Tønne has led
a very roast-friendly life.

She's always on the verge of dying.

Stroke, tumor, infidelity.

The people I know
who are more unlucky than the average,

there is something underneath.

I don't think it's a coincidence.

There's nothing from my life
they don't get to joke about,

so I haven't given the group any no-gos.

Lisa has always been passionate about
that you should own your own story,

so I will own my roast.

-Hi, Lisa.
-Hi!

We've all been punched
in the face a few times,

but you, Lisa,
you're the only one it shows on.

You have a podcast, Tusvik & Tønne,
with Sigrid Bonde Tusvik.

The podcast is a bit like your face.

It has one part that works
and one part that doesn't.

It was incredibly moving
to hear you speak out in the podcast

about Kyrre's infidelity.

I know you like horses,

but you must like other farm animals, too,
as much as you've milked that story.

The only place
you didn't talk about the infidelity

was when you and Kyrre were guests
on Steinar's couples therapy podcast.

Well done, Steinar.

It's nice to be in Cyprus with you,

even though we are far from home
and miss our family.

I am thinking about
what Maria is doing right now.

Sorry. You probably started thinking
about what Kyrre is doing right now.

It's impossible to say.

No.

It can…

It could be anything… or anyone.

And I have to… We have to go there.

I need to address
the elephant in the room.

Not you, Steinar.

But I need to talk about
what's on your face.

Those two giant serving platters
you're have there.

They are so large
that they are the first glasses

to have been on both the Greek
and the Turkish side of Cyprus at once.

I just realized why the new
Munch Museum does not have a glass facade.

Norway simply ran out of glass
when Lisa Tønne ordered her glasses.

Lisa, you made your TV breakthrough
on the travel program Tur/retur,

which is ironic
since your biological parents in Iran

sent you to Norway with a one-way ticket.

Israel isn't the only country that has
suffered from something sent from Iran.

I think I did what I was supposed to do.
I believe Lisa liked it.

The fact that he attacked my glasses

was really hilarious. I loved that.

I think that I know
some of the things in the suitcase.

It might be difficult
if my biological mother is in there.

Oh-oh. Suitcase.

Is it me?

-Lisa Tønne.
-Shall we open and have a look?

Yes, let's do it.

Oh, wow!

-There is no tumor here.
-It's in the lining.

Lisa has been doing this for a long time.

I know her best from the duo Lis…
Sigrid & Tønne? What was it called?

She's very open about most things
in her life through her podcast.

Bonde, Sigrid & Lisa? Bonde & Tønne?
What the fuck is it called?

They sell out Grieghallen like that.

1,600 seats.

Tusvik & Tønne, for fuck's sake.

-Ali Reza, right off the bat.
-It's a good start.

I am a huge Ali Reza fan.

Ali Reza was well known
when I was ten years old.

How did you come up with Ali Reza?

I studied musicals at Bårdar
for two years.

I never got to be the beautiful girl.

But I got to play…
and I'm sorry in advance,

but it was her name, Gurina Neger.

You said it.

And that's when Ali Reza was born.

Could you have done that character today?

-I think so.
-Can we have a taste?

I could always…

Holy shit, it's happening.

-Yo, 'sup?
-There he is!

Half of my face is paralyzed now.

What happened in Ali Reza's life?
I don't know.

I remember that all the comedians thought,

"I wish I came from Iran,
so I could have…"

-Because you were jealous?
-Yes, we…

I wanted to talk like that, too.
"What is it? Fuck's up with you?"

-You did it just now.
-Just a little bit.

This is great.

-What's this?
-It's Kyrre's hair.

Do you know what this is?

-Tordenskjold.
-Yes.

Who can resist?

You can take a rest, Lisa.

There you go.

It is pretty obvious
why the universe tries to take her.

She's asking for it.

-Which flag is this?
-The Iranian flag.

Yes.

She was left alone in a basket
outside an orphanage

by her biological parents.

For the first five months of her life,
she was just lying in a bed.

-Makes me want to cry.
-Isn't that normal?

But normally you have someone
who picks you up and holds you.

It was a rough start.

-Is it possible to make fun of that?
-Yes, we'll get her for that!

Yes, I'm just giving you some background.

That's good.

Don't give me that face, Lisa.
It's your night.

We need to start by talking about
the incredible journey you've had.

You were born in Iran.

Not as Lisa Tønne or Ali Reza,

but with the nice-sounding name
of Forozan Sadeghi Naser.

-Was that correct?
-Sadoghi.

Whatever.

And then things happened,
as they were bound to.

Your parents didn't like you,
so you were put up for adoption.

And I must say, I've heard of people
from China, Vietnam and South Korea

giving their children up for adoption,
but I've never heard of anyone from Iran.

Vita and Wanda are also from Iran.

They were not put up for adoption.
Do you understand?

Your parents made the choice
when you spoke your first words,

"Cock, nutsack, and fuckface."

And you were abandoned in a basket
outside an orphanage in Tehran.

Is that right? In Iran.

You didn't meet your parents
until many years later.

You were an adult by then, and they said,
"Nice to see you again, Forozan,

but the basket…"

"The basket…"

"Do you have…
Could we have the basket back?"

You once had an immigrant character
called Ali Reza.

We have to mention him.

He was an Iranian trans boy
with low IQ and a thin moustache.

At least that's what he looked like.

Ali Reza absolutely confirmed
all the stereotypes of immigrants.

They're criminals, speak a broken language
and have strange facial hair.

It was pure racism, Lisa.

I remember that even I was offended

on behalf of
the immigrant community in Norway.

This was before getting offended
even existed.

You must thank
Sigrid Bonde Tusvik for everything.

You're so glued to Sigrid

that I sometimes think you're one
of her ugly bathing suits.

I mean, totally glued.

Sigrid and you have switched to Podme,
so now we're actually colleagues.

I actually have a free Podme subscription,
so I can listen to you now,

but I don't.

In addition to Sigrid Bonde Tusvik,
you got another tumor in your life.

This time, of the brain,
and you went to Germany for help.

When you got there, it turned out
that you didn't have a brain tumor,

it was the tumor
that had gotten Lisa Tønne.

After a successful operation,
the doctors said

that they had removed the bastard,
and the tumor went home from the hospital.

Yes.

I can tell you
that the tumor is doing great.

It has been to regular check-ups,
and no trace of you has been found.

When you were in Germany
and had that operation,

it must have been Dr. Oetker
who performed it.

There was an acute hemorrhage
that left you with facial paralysis.

The doctors said,
"This is temporary. It'll be just fine."

And people say
that Germans have no sense of humor.

You've had a hysterectomy,
I was told in a stream of something else…

Or is it the uterus that has removed you?

I would love to see
your tumor and uterus start a podcast,

I would listen to that!

It went really well. I'm really happy.

He was pretty harsh,
but I still didn't find it mean.

I think this is genuinely, truly great.

Lisa was my biggest
comedy role model as a child.

First female comedian
I saw on TV as a man, so it was…

I think this is quite small.

-That's why it's funny if you put it on.
-Okay.

It would be really fun
if you put it on too.

My mother is your whore.

I'm a huge Ali Reza fan,
but I don't dare imitate him.

Speaking in a broken language
is something the others can do.

You go like this,
"Wazzup? What are you doing?"

"Get a grip, man.
I'll fucking shoot you in the face."

You do it, Martin.

"What are you doing,
you little Pakistani boy!"

-"Come on, bro."
-"Whatcha lookin' at?"

-"What is it with you?"
-"Wazzup with you? Chill! I'll shoot you."

Otto?

"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

-Now we're happy.
-"It's very good."

"Let's gab some more with Lisa."

I'm looking forward to roasting Lisa.
Lisa is a good friend.

I'm confident in Lisa,

and I know what Lisa herself thinks
is funny to be made fun of about herself.

I'm from the woke generation,
and I realize that I shouldn't be

punching down on the twig
sitting in that chair.

Lisa, you are Iranian, adopted, woman.

Haven't you got enough quotas now?

Do you have to pretend
to be disabled in the face as well?

I know that you can actually smile.

Smile a little. Smile with both sides now.

Do it.

You too, Otto.

Smile a little. There you go.

One quota you haven't filled yet
is that you're not a lesbian,

even though your husband, Kyrre,
looks like a sad, thin woman.

After Ali Reza, success
came thick and fast.

Allerud VGS, Julestjerna,
Olsenbandens siste skrik.

That snowball has been rolling.

Lisa, we have become well acquainted.

We were in Bodø together
a little while back,

and I had a mission to get laid there.

You gave me your best advice to get laid,

and that was to have a dirty vagina
and ugly panties.

Otto has already turned his last
clean pair of underwear inside out here.

And put it in front of my door…

No!

…like some sort of invitation.

I really don't like roasting people.

I will probably stick to jokes about poop.

Steinar, you have a face
that suggests you're shitting yourself.

Those pants are a little short,
I have to say.

They're almost knickers.

Your clothes, Lisa, look like the clothes
people in Somalia send back

because they don't want them.

You have an infectious laugh
and a contagious smile.

Literally, I don't want to be near
that drooling mouth.

I would have had sex with you
out of everyone here.

My roast of Lisa
was like putting on roller skis

without knowing how to do it,

then sliding backwards down Holmenkollen.
It was a total mess.

When she goes all in, it's fun.
And that's really cool.

I'll have no boundaries when I roast Lisa.

Lisa comes down hard on other people
and can be pretty harsh.

And I find it a little uncomfortable
because she's surprisingly sensitive.

Yes, Lisa Tønne! You are here.

That would have been awesome 20 years ago.

Lisa, unfortunately you had a brain tumor
and was paralyzed in half your face.

That's why it was extra sad that it would
spread to your personality as well.

Poor Lisa.

Her face made contact with Nora's hand.

That's why a lot of this has happened.

The face is fine, it's finished?
The hospital has done everything it could?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

They did a tremendous job.

You can hardly tell.

Which side was it again?

You've also said on stage…
I saw you do stand-up,

you talked about
how bad you are at blow jobs now.

Yes.

The shittiest thing about it was that
nobody laughed. It was awful.

I even heard a mother saying,

"No, she has to stop!"

Don't think you were any good
before either.

And you're a feminist.
"Why am I doing all the blowing?"

"Only girls have to suck cock."

I've been hanging out with you
for a couple of days now.

I now understand why some men
beat the shit out of women.

No.

That was too harsh. I heard it too.

Now I heard that mom saying, "Oh, no!"

Your husband cheated on you!

Sad.

I remember when we heard
about the infidelity,

and we were like, "What?"

"No!"

"I can't believe it."

Your colleague Sigrid Bonde Tusvik,

her husband cheated too.

Isn't that weird?
You're best friends, partners,

and both your husbands are cheating.

It can't have anything to do
with you both being fucking annoying.

Here's a list of things I'd rather do
than have sex with you.

Get a prostate check
from Nora Svenningsen's crab claw.

Listen to Steinar Sagen
and his wife's podcast.

Be Magnus Devold's wingman.

Fuck Otto Jespersen at the water park.

It's so much fun roasting Lisa.

She appreciates a good and harsh joke.

He's warm, quirky…

Suddenly quite harsh, then regretting it.

Hilarious.

Comedians take all your imperfections
and throw them back at you.

This is no time for joking.

There she is.

Oh, shit.

I can hear your joints creaking, Steinar.

Talk about being stiff.

The thing is, we have
a huge amount of furniture in the house,

and now it's like,
"We're sitting on pillows on the floor?"

Unnecessary.

The exercise we're doing today, guys,

is that one by one
we'll sit on the chair in the middle.

Then you'll say one thing
that you appreciate about yourself.

Joking is not allowed.

I can't be on TV and brag about myself.

That's no way to behave.
It's too much. It's a silly thing to do.

It'll be difficult to choose.

We have different challenges
in this task, Otto.

I am very honest.

-That's nice.
-That means

it's hard for me
to be nice to people I don't like.

You like that about yourself?

-Being honest? Yes.
-The honesty.

But it can also be a burden sometimes.

-Okay. Martin?
-No.

You're up.

I can see that this
is a difficult task for you.

Don't laugh at yourself.
Just shake loose if you need to.

-Okay, Martin. Breathe from your stomach.
-Yes.

-I find this really embarrassing, Lisa.
-I know.

It's fine.

I'm very pleased that I'm this tall.

-No, that's not good enough, Martin.
-No, you're not that tall either.

Fuck you, Lisa. What a shitty exercise.

Don't swear.

I am kind.

-Yes.
-You could go a little deeper.

You're good at seeing people around you.

-We can't ask too much right away.
-I don't want to.

Martin is kind.

I want to stop being kind,
just because I had to do that.

I actually wanted
to strangle Lisa afterwards.

I think it's disloyal of Martin to leave

when I want to leave too.

Otto wanted to leave. We all did.

Otto Jespersen is brutal.

I think he's taking advantage of
the fact that I have to be quiet now

to hammer away and shut me up.

Dear Lisa.

When it comes to you,
we can't avoid reviewing

your varying state of health
over the years.

It may seem like I've done
some research on you,

but it wasn't necessary.

We had one dinner.
Before you had eaten your appetizer,

you had managed to share
your health records in detail…

without me even asking.

Okay, let's see.

You've had a brain tumor,
you've fallen off a horse,

you're allergic to most things,
you've had a hysterectomy,

and you've also been diagnosed
with ADHD as an adult.

And you were adopted from Iran.

It's fair to say that neither your uterus
nor your biological mother

saw a future with you.

A few years ago,
you contracted equine influenza.

You were the first non-horse person
in Norway to contract this disease.

I quote from the medical encyclopedia,

"Equine influenza is a highly contagious
and acute viral disease

that attacks the respiratory tract."

"The disease is not contagious to humans."

You took some tests at the hospital
and before you got home,

they called and told you
to return right away.

"Do I have to go to Ullevål?"

"Not Ullevål. You're going to
the Agricultural College at Ås."

And I picture you, Lisa,
tethered to a horse trailer

all the way to Ås.

This led to panic in the equine community.
How many horses could she have infected?

It's always a bummer for a horse girl
when her horse has to be put down,

but it is especially cruel

when both Black Beauty and Thunder
get a bullet in their forehead

just because they've been unlucky enough
to be touched by Lisa Tønne.

And then we have your career, Lisa.

We can't forget that,

because you've actually had one.

The breakthrough came with Dan Børge Akerø
as the bipolar immigrant Ali Reza.

But your real career peak,
which was an international breakthrough,

and for which you'll always be remembered,
was when you lifted Mullah Krekar.

That was brave.

Today, you're best known
for being "the other one"

in the hard-hitting duo Tusvik & Tønne.

A podcast where Sigrid shines
with her funny observations,

and you, you're there too.

It's kind of like Simon & Garfunkel
where you're Garfunkel.

Or like Wham! where you're the other guy.

Or like Harm & Hegseth where you are both.

These are pretty old references, Lisa,

but if people are old enough
to remember when you were at your peak,

they're also old enough
to remember Simon & Garfunkel.

It's been nice being here with you,
better than I expected,

but you talk all the fucking time.

So if you're unlucky enough to choke
on a huge chunk of Greek goat meat,

I hope the rest of the group can agree

to just enjoy the silence
for a couple of minutes…

before we do the Heimlich maneuver on you.

Let's just all hope
it's not Nora who gets the job.

Thank you.

I didn't feel bad or anything.
No shame, nothing.

Just stepped on the gas.

If there's love in Otto Jespersen,

I felt I got a bit of it today.

I mean, thank you.

This was great. A lot of fun.

Today, I've chosen a winner

who manages with subtlety

to balance the line between being mean,

but not so mean that I get upset,

but that I laugh
and think it's fun that you're mean.

Today, it is

Otto Jespersen who's my winner.

Goddamn it, Otto, 70 years old
and doing research on this paralyzed face.

I'll be damned if you don't win.

-You did your research.
-I tried.

I didn't talk about your paralyzed face.

To look past this fucked up face
is admirable.

A lot of other things were fucked up,
so it didn't matter.

I'm going to get him.

-I'm so jealous.
-Yes.

What the fuck is that?

Steinar looks like a eunuch
with no testosterone.

It's not easy to see the difference
between you and Dovregubben.

-Damn, what a fun world.
-I know!

-Are we done now?
-Yes.

Now I'm scared.

-No!
-Yes.

-Shut your pie hole, Steinar.
-Yes.

I'm not going to list
who you've slept with.

Dad!