All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast - Norway S01E01.en-us.dialog.subtitle

-Look, it's goats!
-Are they goats?

I'm glad these suitcases
aren't very noisy.

I said, "I'm glad these suitcases
aren't very noisy.!"

-I hope they put some music over this.
-Yeah.

Welcome to Cyprus.

Welcome to Cyprus.

We'll be staying in Cyprus
for a whole week.

For the first time in my life, it occurred
to me that comedians are weirdos.

During the day, we'll have
a good time, enjoy ourselves…

But in the evening…

That's when it'll get hot.
It's roast time!

Then you're not an outdoor enthusiast,
you're a whore.

Every night a new comedian
will be in the hot seat,

and will get roasted
with an audience present.

Totally…

And then the winner of Roast on the Coast
will be announced in the final episode.

Is this a competition?
No one told me that.

ROAST ON THE COAST
NORWAY

Coming to this place is fantastic.

Nice people and good vibes,

and then we scold each other at night.

This is going to be
a hell of a mix of being nice and cruel.

And nothing in between.

I can't wait to live with this group.

I think it will be amazing.

As long as it's possible to retreat
into some peace and quiet,

I'll persevere.

I'm the first one to get roasted.

I'll be in the hot seat, as they say.

I'm sure it will be
a rollercoaster ride of emotions.

-This is your suitcase.
-Shall I sit here?

-Sit there.
-Thanks.

Now, we'll take a look
inside the first suitcase. It's Steinar's.

Just so everyone knows,
I didn't pack my suitcase,

so I'm just as excited as you are.

In the suitcase,
there are things from the person's career

and personal life. That's fun to dig into.

-Look at this.
-Yeah.

Check this out.

This is your life, Steinar.

-It looks a little dull.
-Do you think so?

No.

The guys.

-The guys.
-It's your guys.

I'm a huge fan of the three of you.
Since about 2007.

-Really?
-Yes.

-But this is a little different.
-Yeah.

The odds of my wife, Catrin,
being dragged into this are high.

It's an advent calendar,
because you also have a podcast,

Catrin and Steinar
Save their Relationship,

and it's a couples' therapy pod…

-I mean, advent calendar?
-Yeah.

I love Catrin and Steinar's podcast,

but I still think he struggles
with keeping his rooms separate.

"Thank each other
for something you are or do."

"Be the best partner you can be.
Merry Christmas."

I'm noticing that in a comedy context
and going through this is hard.

I can see how easy it will be
to attack me for that kind of stuff.

I understand that.

Do you feel that it's difficult
to avoid keeping an ironic distance

now that we're joking about it?

Yes, it's difficult.

-What do the guys think about it?
-The guys? Tore and Bjarte?

-I don't think they…
-They don't talk about it.

I don't feel that I have
a lot of dark, weird secrets.

There's not much
I'm embarrassed about, usually.

This one, Steinar…

-What is that?
-Weight-loss medicine?

Weight-loss syringe.

Steinar is very taken aback by
the weight-loss syringe in his suitcase.

Steinar was not prepared for it
to be there.

-Have you tried it?
-I have tried it.

-Did it work?
-No, I gained weight.

It works pretty well.

It's nice to see Steinar embarrassed.
I don't think he often is.

His eyes are flickering,
his face is a darker shade of red.

-Can you stop?
-I haven't tried to stop.

-You're still on it?
-Yeah, I guess so.

It's not often that Steinar
is really uncomfortable.

It is interesting.

Maybe you should go inside, Steinar?

We'll stay and keep
looking through the suitcase.

-Yes.
-Yeah.

-I didn't know that he…
-It is… Yes.

-No, then it doesn't work…
-He's eaten more than me.

Such a lazy man won't lose much weight
without a little help from a syringe.

That's true.

Five people hammering you
about crap from your life.

Yes, that can be tough.

Hey, Steinar.

-Hello.
-Hi.

You are a man with an incredible career.

Your career is one success

followed by a whole bunch of failures.

Maxitaxi Driver, Alltid beredt,
Gjett hvem, Singelklubben.

The Norwegian people have been able
to watch you on TV for 20 years,

but have chosen not to.

That's why all your shows
have been canceled after one season.

I find it particularly sad

that the last show
where you were the main character

was not only canceled,
but also removed from everywhere.

Hardly anyone was quick enough to see
Ingen elsker bamsegutt.

But there is a bright side, Steinar.

Radioresepsjonen is
the biggest and best podcasts

ever made in Norway.

You've had some
fantastic characters, Steinar.

The kind of people
you feel a little sorry for.

They're miserable,
but you grow to love them too.

Lars Dongeri Oppholdsnes, Trude Sagen.

The saddest character

is the one you've been
these past few years.

Steinar, who used to be cool,

but has been forced by his wife
to make a podcast about relationships.

You're not the funniest person
in Radioresepsjonen, tough competition.

It's even sadder
that you're not the funniest person

on Catrin and Steinar
Save their Relationship.

What's fun about Catrin

is that she works as a couples' therapist,

but she has also chosen
to be married to Steinar Sagen.

It's like Otto Jespersen
working as a small talk advisor.

Or Martin Lepperød giving advice
on sitting still and shutting up.

I would rather dump my girlfriend, Maria,
than get advice from you.

Unfortunately, this is also the reason
why we have declined

to be guests on every single one
of the six seasons you've made.

Now I'm going to do something
that's a little uncomfortable for me.

It will probably be
a little uncomfortable for you too.

I think it's uncomfortable for you
asking comedians to come on the podcast.

But I'm going say this now
so you understand it once and for all.

We don't want to!

We don't want to be guests!

When we say we don't have time
for the next six months,

it's because we don't want to.

We're not that busy!

That was lovely.

That was good.
You've lost weight, Steinar.

I must say, well done.

I'm not saying "well done" to you,
but to the people sitting there.

The manufacturers
of the Ozempic weight-loss syringe.

I can't believe you managed to slim down
Norway's laziest man.

A little…

I don't think anyone in Norway
thought that Steinar Sagen

was working hard to lose weight.

You've even admitted
how tired you are of being lazy.

Steinar, you're so lazy
that you have a device in your house

that when you park, it lifts…

-This is true.
-Yes.

…your car up and rotates it the right way,

so you don't have to turn
the car around yourself.

I don't understand how you get anywhere,

because you never put your car in reverse
and you have no drive.

I think Steinar enjoyed himself
in a painful way.

That's what I was hoping.

That was real craftsmanship.

Magnus has very funny roasts.

Hopefully the rest of the week
will be like the first roast.

I really like this one.

Isn't there a hint of coercion
on the wife's part?

It has to be that,
because she's a couples' therapist.

It's a condition of him being allowed
to live in that house.

Would you agree to participate,
you and your wife?

No.

People probably think I'm a born roaster,

since I've scolded quite a few people
throughout my career,

but I find roasting a bit difficult.

It's a little weird.

He's pretty tough.

Roasting people you feel sorry for
is tough,

but I don't feel sorry for him,
so it will be easy.

Dear Steinar.

You may be the most famous person here
besides myself.

And you and I, Steinar, have in common
that we have worked at the NRK.

I met an old colleague

who said he had found a lot of your stuff
in the lost and found up there.

Among other things,
he found a charging cable,

a half-used tube of zinc ointment
for redness…

a spine…

some empty bags of chips,

and your integrity.

And hundreds of thousands
of loyal listeners who helped your career.

I realize these are things you don't need
now that you're at Schibsted.

You don't need a spine
to check the balance of your online bank.

You must have been delighted as a child
to be roasted by Otto Jespersen himself.

And you'd probably be able to squeeze
10-15 podcasts out of that experience.

I don't see any reason
to spend more time on you now.

I'd rather talk about a topic
I'm passionate about: men!

Men who are unable
to stand up for themselves.

Pathetic men.

Men who crawl on all fours into marriage

and roll over on their side
to be scratched on their stomach.

Or maybe even further down?

Instead, they get kicked in the kidneys
and are asked to clean up the garage

and help make a relationship podcast.

Do you know of any men like that, Steinar?

Men who are held hostage
in their own relationships,

who allow themselves
to be publicly humiliated time after time,

without a single whimper of protest…

in exchange for the safety of marriage.

There are men out there
who have sunk so low

that they unhesitatingly
agree to their wife's suggestion

to make an advent calendar together
to save the relationship.

Your wife asks you to open day 13
of the calendar, and it says,

"Say something nice to me."

That suggests a gloomy mood at home
during the rest of the year.

Finally, I'd like to say a few words
about influencers.

People who are willing to humiliate
themselves and their families

as long as the payment is good enough.

When every photo from your family's trip
to the woods is labeled "sponsor"…

you're not an outdoor enthusiast,
you're a whore.

And lastly…

I've lit some cube candles
and opened some red wine in the bathroom.

I wonder how much it would cost for you
to come in and give me a rough blow job.

Thank you.

Otto is ruthless in his own way.

It hits very hard.

It was an enjoyable experience.

So all in all, happy.

Very good.

Now it's my turn.

I'm very excited.
It's my first time roasting anyone.

I have never roasted anyone. It's sad.

I seem to have chosen
a different style than Otto,

so now there will be joy.

Nora is completely unfiltered.

She has a funny way of talking,
almost as if she's a character.

It's nice to see that Augustus
from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

has emerged from the chocolate barrel.

Now you're sitting here in Cyprus.

You've also got a sunburn.

Your face is a mecca for skin cancer.

Steinar, you look like
what's in the spoon in a potato race.

The one you don't want.
Because it'll just roll out.

I saw you in swimming trunks yesterday
at the pool,

and I'm fatter than you,

so it's kind of a bummer
to only have fat jokes,

but that doesn't take away from the fact
that you're stuffed.

I've seen you in a math problem before.

"Martin and Steinar are neighbors."

"One day, they buy four apples."

"They vomit at the thought."

"Steinar pulls out a bag with 16 buns."

"Steinar sits on top of Martin,
pulls out a knife and kills him."

"How high is Steinar's BMI?"

The fact sheet states, "Diabetes, type 5."

"Chubby cheeks, fatty."

Steinar, you're so much more
than just fat.

You are more than your red cheeks.

You're more than an upset stomach.

You are Steinar Sagen.

Thank you.

I'm laughing, I'm enjoying myself,
Steinar is enjoying himself, I think.

So it must have gone well?

So I've decided to make
a little mixed drink for my guests.

We've been doing this on the Papaya
and Radioresepsjonen podcasts for years.

The hand blender!

Today I thought we'd use
Cypriot pomegranate,

Cypriot sardines in oil
and some lovely, delicious goat's milk.

We add in the sardines.

Goat's milk. Okay, let's blend this up.

Okay, drinks are served!

Here I am with some
delicious summer drinks.

When he brings out those drinks,
I remember the hand blender.

This is a game.

What have I blended?

That damn hand blender
that he's been using for 35 years.

Blending three nasty things,
guessing what it is.

A little hint.

They are ingredients
that we've talked about a bit already.

Yes. On the whole trip or at the table?

Do not vomit. Then I'll throw up.

It doesn't take much to make me vomit.

I have no chance of quitting.

Make him smell it?

Martin vomits a lot, and it makes me sick
to see him vomit.

-Canned sardines?
-Canned sardines.

Yes, canned sardines.

I can see what it is
and I smell what it is…

so I don't taste it.

-Did you take a sip?
-No, just smelled it.

Was it that bad?

I'm freaking out right now.

Okay, honestly. Enough is enough.

It's a lot of fun when people vomit,
but there's a limit.

Canned sardines. Martin, that's enough.

-Did you put goat's milk in it?
-Otto is at it again.

-The latest?
-Pomegranate?

That's it!

Canned sardines, goat's milk
and, of course, pomegranate!

I probably delivered what Steinar wanted.

-Very nice.
-I need something to wash it down.

This was fun.

I have the same feeling
as diving from a high board.

You stand up there, look down,
you want to, but it's a little scary.

You're afraid it will hurt,

but you know that when you land,
even if it hurts a little, everyone will…

"It was a blast!"

Martin is a loose cannon.
He might say anything.

Steinar Sagen.

Hello.

New rule, no answering back.

From Having Sex to Having Babies…

a book written by you
and your wife Catrin.

A book about how quickly you go
from having sex to Catrin throwing up.

It's a very short book.

After you and Catrin got together,
she studied to be an intimacy coordinator.

Yes.

That was not the joke,
but it's a lot of fun.

It just occurred to me now,
and it was quite fun.

It was first and foremost to help you.

But she also believed that she
deserves credits for sleeping with you.

Steinar, you look like
the leader of an association called,

"We Who Want to Lower
the Age of Sexual Consent."

Sometimes it looks like
someone is controlling you remotely.

There's a lag.

I'll meet you on the street and say,
"Hey, Steinar," and then you do this…

"Thanks for last time."

Like someone just said to you,
"Say, 'Thanks for last time.""

I've listened to
a couple of episodes of your podcast

about relationship problems.

The problem in your relationship
is that you're ugly.

You are ugly, really ugly.

Look at me when I say it, "You're ugly."

When people roast me for my looks,

I know there will be a day
when I'll get back at them.

I'm thinking, "That's where the bar is?"
Okay. Then we'll drive hard.

You know the sad thing is
about you being ugly?

It's that we look alike, Steinar.

Do you know how shitty that is?

Do you know… Really, Steinar, do you
know how shitty it is to look like you?

I get up every day and try not to be ugly.

I meet people who say, "You're funny.
You look like Steinar Sagen."

Fuck me, then!

I thought it was great fun.
I want to roast Steinar some more.

I think it was very…

They were obvious things
that are easy to see.

I feel a little stressed today.

I'm dreading it
because I've gone for parody.

I don't usually do parody.

Did you hope we were done?

Well, yes, actually.

Steinar, let's get straight to the point.

You have a mustache.

When you choose a mustache
as a permanent fixture on your face,

you're a confident boy.

I'm not saying you're a creep, Steinar.
I'm not saying that.

I'm just saying you look like one.

You're one leather vest away
from having all your hard drives seized.

You are a flashing dot
on the map at the NCIS.

No doubt about that. And that…

No, don't pretend
you don't know that, Steinar.

The podcast of you
and your dear wife Catrin is called,

Catrin and Steinar
Save Their Relationship.

That's a very accurate title.

I know your wonderful wife.

I've spoken to her
and she wanted to send you a greeting.

I have it right here.

A greeting from your beloved Catrin.

-She has, of course, taken payment.
-Yes, good!

Dear Steinar.

My dear, sweet darling.

I love you so much,
and what I want to say to you…

Oops! It's lagging. Yes…

It's lagging a little,
but you know what we'll do?

-It's lagging a lot, if you ask me.
-Yes, yeah.

I know Catrin well,
so I know what she wants to say to you.

What she wanted to say to you,
Steinar, is,

"Dear Steinar, my boy."

"You must dare to give of yourself,

even if you are very bad."

"Very bad, really bad."

"Not funny at all.
Don't worry about it, Steinar."

"Don't let it get to you."

"We all know, and I know,
that inside you're a little boy

who wants to sit alone
with your chocolate,

your porn, and just be left alone."

"I know that a lot of people here tonight
are going to attack your looks."

"And say things like,
'He's fat and he's red.'"

"I haven't stayed with you
because of your looks."

"I've stayed with you
because you are famous."

"You can always count on that, Steinar,

that as long as you are famous,
I will be here."

"Lots of luck. I'm rooting for you."

"Thank you, Steinar,

for being allowed to sleep with me."

Steinar!

I think it went well. I'm pretty happy.

I was impressed
by Lisa's parody of my wife. It was fun.

You know I love you, Steinar.
I think you're a genuine, funny guy.

Now I'm excited
about the rest of the week.

Dear friends, thank you
for your kind and shitty words.

I had never considered
that I look like a pedophile before,

but I will keep it in mind

the next time I visit a kindergarten.

We're going to pick a winner now,
and this person is winning

because they didn't say
that I looked like a pedophile…

and he's been listening
to Radioresepsjonen and Papaya for years,

it's Magnus Devold!

I'm through to tomorrow
and I have immunity.

Really good craftsmanship,
very funny and very to the point.

I'm surprised I didn't win.

-It was well deserved.
-Thanks.

No, Magnus was good.

To paraphrase Tom Brady…

Which trophy are you most happy
to have won?

The next one.

Dear Otto, you don't have much time left.

You're laughing! He's laughing!

I don't understand
what you're going to roast me for.

-Because you were jealous?
-Yes, we were.

I need to address
the elephant in the room.

It was so horrible.

Nora is the most embarrassed
she's ever been…

but it's the funniest thing
we have ever seen.