Original subtitles

Nice. A hatanaka and dunning joint. Ooh.

Samurai cop.

He's a samurai and he's a cop. Or he's a cop whose only jurisdiction is samurai

affairs. When a samurai illegally parks in a loading zone between the hours of 8

a .m. and 6 p .m., samurai cop affairs.

Based on the music, this takes place in the off -brand video game region of

Japan.

Cameron, a famous one -namer like Madonna, but the dorky white dude

Hi, I'm Cameron.

Get the hell out of my sight, Cameron. Will do.

Ooh, Alan Dermabrasion. He's good. A little rough for my taste.

That's terrible. I liked it. Go away, Cameron.

You got it, fellas.

We are not an established gang yet. We now

join Are We an Established Gang Yet? Already in progress.

My friend, you should be very cautious, in my opinion.

We should try to make friends with all the gangs.

The Japanese.

The Chinese.

We must unite the entire food court. Even those dip and dots weirdos.

There is enough money to be made in this business for all of us. It's all up to

Fujiyama. He wants to make a certain treaty with the Chinese gangs, not the

Japanese. Especially the Ginzas.

Here comes the boss.

Man, Springsteen really went through a weird period in the early 90s.

Translation, ugly purple sunglasses man behind me.

Is the redhead the old Chinese fox?

Eh, it's not clear.

By which I mean my

majestic chin.

We fight.

Oh, God. Is he really going to make me fist bump?

Ugh. Fine.

Okay, team. It's time to load up on knockoff Pokemon backpacks.

Stripball Karate Studio Mafia, the deadliest gang of all. Oh, they're

I hope you didn't bring that giant -faced guy with you, but... Oh, damn it,

did. Good morning, Mr. Lee.

Have you decided to work with us?

Lee's respond with a weirdly slow nod.

Come in.

In no way we go under Fujiyama's flag.

Thank you, Robo -Henchman 9000.

Fujiyama doesn't want to waste any more time.

Live free or die the dart.

No guns. We're doing stabs and face kicks. Can we all get on the same page

Face kicks.

Come on, let's get going.

Move it.

You did it.

The job's done.

You did it.

Off -screen Pee -wee Herman, always so encouraging. It's what I do.

I'm responsible for bringing you from San Diego.

Are you sure this is a good bust?

Yeah. Cocaine. So, you're really not going to say anything about my hat and

combo?

Hi, Sergeant. How are you? I'm just fine.

We're going to go catch up with some bad guys.

Good luck. Call me if you need me.

See you. See you later. All right. I really hope that guy was the samurai cop

and that's his only scene.

Okay, come on, man. I show up to work in a share wig and a baseball cap and you

say nothing? You're messing with me, right?

Oops, lost him. Oh well, end of movie.

Parking partially in a crosswalk? Do these loose cannons have no respect for

rules?

His boss was killed by the Katana gang.

There's the blue van over there. Over there in a totally different part of

Yeah.

Let's call for the helicopter.

Peggy, where are you?

I'm landing.

I thought I gave those guys a fake number.

You need you.

I'll give you the direction.

Big weird vans. If you're going to do crimes, why not do them in a big weird

van?

Finger on lens. Finger on lens!

So, are you guys on the 12 landing pad?

What? Not at all.

How about now? Are you on the 12 landing pad now? No!

10 -4, okay.

How about now? You on 12 now? No!

I can see the blue van. You can?

I can see the blue van.

Boats, Bill.

The casual left turn of a

samurai. And or a cop who polices samurai. Right, right. Can you hear me?

Clear. Yeah, Frank, I can hear you.

Watch for the boat. What about the blue van?

Screw the blue van!

Just keep an eye on the van, Peggy. He just told me to watch for a boat. Who

even are you guys?

They're going to make the swap somewhere in the marina.

Just stick close to them.

Okay, Joe. Keep it up.

Oh, it's up and ready. You just keep it warm. It's warm and ready. She's talking

about the hair curler set he wants to borrow, right?

Oh, I hope so.

Hey, a boat.

Oh, wait, but there's a blue van.

I'm so darn confused.

A rental? These guys are high rollers.

Okay, guys, I think we're getting close.

There's a boat headed full speed towards the van.

It's a boat and van? I'm melting down!

Try to stay out of sight, Peggy. I don't want you steering them off. You got it,

Joe. Yeah, stay out of sight up there in your helicopter.

Nobody ever notices those. Just hide behind a sky bush or something.

Just hope John Micklethorpe and the rest of the band from Rock and Roll

Nightmare don't step out of the blue van.

That'd be great.

Hurry up, guys. Our rental's only good for 45 minutes, and then there's an

additional fee, you know.

This movie should be called Vehicle Cop or just Vehicles.

Hey, Peggy, can you see them?

Seems like we've lost them. Lost them, but the plan was so airtight.

Yeah, maybe wipe down the cages with a wet paper towel next time.

Hey,

Troy Corey fan. Sure am. How'd you know?

The movie's already three times longer than the Beastie Boys sabotage video,

with 1 ,000 times less story.

I told you we shouldn't have stopped at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.

Well, look, sometimes a guy just needs a Lieutenant Dan Surf and Turf, okay?

The movie says Shady Crimes of the Docks, but the music says Beginning of

Exercise Video.

Hey, why'd you have me crouch in the back of the van with a gun before?

Just funsies.

They're getting away.

Assuming we're even in the same general area as them, which I'm not sure about

at all.

Hope I make it to the Troy Corey show tonight.

I'll have to come by this way. It's the only road out.

Sure, the Birth 73 Fisherman's Co -op and Marine Supply Store. I'm so tired of

movies relying on this old famous landmark.

Brook Shields? No, that's not Brook Shields.

Hey, your back tire's flat.

Back tire, it's flat. No, forget it.

Pulling a gun for unclear reasons, then no longer having the gun in the next

shot. Just a day in the life of a samurai cop.

Car is moving too fast, almost as if the film is being accelerated beyond my

control.

Next, he drives some miles out of his way to hit a pane of glass.

Shoot!

Shoot him!

Whirving around the bullet?

Who said that? Someone in the trunk?

Hey,

man, watch it.

Watch it. Oh, man.

Aw, nuts.

Gee whiz.

Hey, let's call for backup.

We'll call them when we need them. You just ran over a guy in a firefight.

You sure we don't need backup?

Three more casualties, then I'll think about it.

Yeah, I'm on it. Don't be such a driver's seat shooter.

Shoot!

Shoot it! Oh, thanks. I forgot for a second.

Shoot! Shoot it! You got it. Yeah, I got the best.

And all because you told me to shoot him.

So, all this is just a few minutes from the marina?

Or the blue van.

Oh, that is the blue van.

I'm in charge now. Payback time. Pursuit him.

Turn 12 degrees left. Maintain a steady speed.

Faster. Go, go, faster.

And look like Steve Carell in a wig.

What the hell was that, man? I don't recall things shoot or shoot him.

It's like playing car chase with the two oldest, crappiest, most broken Hot

Wheels in the bottom of the toy bucket at your aunt's house.

Bringing back bad memories, eh, Mike?

Dang,

forgot to tell myself to shoot him first.

Poor neck.

Gadgets, the back of my clothes are on fire. Help!

Do something!

Man, he's burning!

We gotta do something! Maybe shoot? Shoot him?

Help! Help!

Help!

The fire's already burned off my mustache and my Hispanic -ness!

That's it. That's it.

He's out.

Hi, we really didn't contribute anything, but we're here.

Good job, guys.

Yeah,

we have no way of hearing you down here.

Finger guns?

Never mind.

Meanwhile, on The Bachelor...

Quick, minimize ski -free before he sees.

Ah, his staircase descending assistant is there to help him descend the

staircase.

So they call him Samurai, huh?

Yes.

His real name is Joe Marshall.

They call him Samurai.

I know, I just yelled that!

He got his martial arts training from the masters in Japan.

He was brought over here from the police force in San Diego to fight us. To

fight us?

To fight me? San Diego and also the masters in Japan have never liked me.

To kill you and my other men. To put handcuffs on me.

And put me in the gas chamber.

Sounds like he's kind of looking forward to it.

Samurai.

If he's a samurai.

What the hell are you?

I'll get to know you. Question Robert Zadar got a lot. See who the real

is. So you know where our man is?

Yes, boss.

I know the hospital and the room.

So if you could sign this Ziggy get well card for him real quick.

He won't be able to talk.

I want him dead.

I want his head cut off and brought here.

I want his head on this piano.

So that every man in my organization understands once more that no katana

captured alive or talked.

And then I want Beethoven's head on the piano. And then I want Lucy Van Pelt to

flirt with me while I play the piano and ignore her.

I will bring you his head and I will place it on your piano.

I know the real samurai is here.

Only a real samurai could cut the head off a helpless burn victim.

So, I'm lying there in bed with probably the most beautiful woman I've ever met

in my life. Hey! What are you talking about?

I'm just kidding. You know you're number one. And that's coming from a huge pile

of number two.

So anyway, you get on the phone and you tell me that these, what's his name,

Omaha, Yamaha, whatever his face, his name is, right, is after me. So I

I'm going to have to knock a couple of these guys off. So I said to my hot

Canadian girlfriend, I said, I don't want any more dead bodies.

Frank,

come to my house. I bet he's real happy about their wild card shenanigans.

He learned flirting from Nelson months.

In trouble again.

What's it going to be today?

It's going to be a strange exterior shot for no reason, I guess.

And there's a waiting room inside the chief's office.

Hello, sir.

Joe. Hey, Steve, how you doing?

What's going on, Steve?

Not much, sir. There's a nurse in there giving him an injection.

He's burned pretty bad.

Yeah, Steve, dial it back, man. You're a bit player in Samurai Cop.

Sorry, sir.

Man, that is going to hurt when they rip off that blood -soaked head bandage.

Hi.

How is he?

Do you think he'd be able to answer a few questions?

No way. His lips are burned.

Official medical diagnosis.

No way. His lips are burned.

Yeah.

Next time, guys, catch him in one piece.

Thanks, nurse.

Do you like what you see?

Comatose guy covered in fourth -degree burns. Oh, yeah, I'm into it. Would you

like to touch what you see?

Yes. Yes, I would.

Would you like to go out with me?

I have no opinion on that. Yes, I would. Oh, wait, I do.

Would you like to fuck me?

Bingo.

Well, then let's see what you've got.

I'm hoping it's barbed and covered in scales.

Ah, it's just normal genitalia.

Nothing there?

Just exactly what would interest you? Something the size of a jumbo jet?

Meanwhile, this guy's in another room trying to make a baby laugh.

Yeah,

I have. Why?

Well, your doctor must have cut a big portion of it off.

Nurse, could you stop insulting that man's penis and help us restart this

heart? Out of an emergency.

Hey, don't worry.

I got enough.

It's big.

My bill at the blasted denim pants store is big, is what I mean. Hey, I have,

uh... Have you been circumcised?

Shut up. Let's go to Temple. It's Shabbat.

Okay, Steve.

I want you to watch the room and watch it good.

You got three more officers coming to assist you.

Steve. And remember, no one goes in the room except for doctors and nurses. Got

it? Okay, Joe. All right. Let's go.

Okay, got it. You said hook my thumb over my belt like some country dumbass

then wander aimlessly behind you until someone who clearly isn't a nurse or a

doctor strolls immediately into the room. Got it.

Hi, Joe.

Hi, Frank.

How you doing?

Watch the room from all sides.

The burnt man's very important to us.

Okay, sir. Watch it from all sides. You're going to have to crawl under the

ductwork to do that, but hey, orders are orders.

Hey, hey, where are you doing?

Yeah, where are you doing? Trash, is that all right?

All right.

She works as a janitor in between white snake video shoots.

Hey, if you're here to kill me, no need. I'm still bleeding freely through 30

layers of gauze. I'll be dead in seconds.

Also, please stop force -feeding me jelly donuts.

Yep, see, this is what it looks like when you order $99 laser eye surgery.

Hey, with the high insurance deductibles I got, go ahead and kill me.

I leave behind a wife and four children.

Guess that one baby aspirin didn't really cover his pain management.

Okay, now we'll go ahead and implant a giant lower jaw. Get you looking like a

proper man.

Now, if you could clean this off for me, and then please put it back up on the

wall of the crappy sushi bar I stole it from, okay? Thanks.

Oh, his head is super light, and it was so easy to cut off.

Man, Patch Adams' methods got really dark in his later years.

Ah, sure. Dental office right next to the high -security burn ward. That's

I go to get my teeth whitened.

Um -de -dum -de -dum. Just taking out the garbage in a rolling laundry hamper

covered by several layers of white linens like I always do. Um -de -dum -de

-dum.

The killing the one insignificant guy who will quickly be forgotten scene

reaches its second hour.

Steve the cop, fresh from taste testing all the different colored liquids in the

janitor's closet.

Call security.

You are security. That couldn't have been made more clear.

All right, well, then call me then.

What, Steve?

What?

This is like the famous hospital scene in The Godfather if it had been written

and produced by sea cucumbers.

I'm in corridor two.

Hey, hey, hey, listen up, guys.

What, what? That guy's in corridor two.

Corridor two? Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute, nurse.

Wait a minute. Is that someone else somewhere else at some other time?

Which number corridor is he in? I don't know.

Get up.

Good job.

Probably could have done it myself, not gone to the trouble of smuggling in a

300 -pound man, but good job.

No one's around.

Let's go.

Garden level pool area slash rec room at the combination burn ward and dental

office. Sure.

Into the other elevator. Good plan.

Wait, what?

Man, that elevator sucks.

May as well take the stairs.

Just confronted by Bluto.

Hey, Popeye, I gotta knock your plow car.

Wait a minute.

That's for having the same voice as the last guy.

Come on, come on, let's get going.

Hospital parking lot. Definitely not the apartment building where the director's

crashing for a few weeks with his cousin.

Hey, come on over here.

Hey, wait a minute, doctor.

I'd like to talk to you.

Can I see some ID?

Some ID?

So the way he's been kicking the crap out of all his associates has made him

only mildly suspicious.

Hey, what are you doing?

How's our stealth operation going so far? You think anyone's on to us?

Okay, so that guy's head was the first item on our scavenger hunt. Next up, a

picture of one of us wearing a giant foam cowboy hat. Captain, what did I do

wrong?

Everything you did was wrong.

You're the one that talked me into bringing this moron from San Diego to

the Japanese Katana Gang.

Don't you know guys, from Harlem are the only way to go.

He lost his head. An officer lost his hand.

And there are three police officers in the hospital right now.

God damn you guys.

All you've done is cost me bloodshed and mayhem. As a freelance architect, I'm

very disappointed.

This man has been here one week, and I almost lost my job. If he's here one

week, I might end up in jail and die of a heart attack, and I don't want that.

Hey, I've been here one week. He beams his lines in from another dimension.

One week? One month?

Next year?

At what cost and how many lives?

With all due respect, sir. Hope you don't mind if Steve Perry stands in for

But I don't have the time, and I don't have the patience.

And I don't have much more credit in this department to have bodies laying

around me. Fine. You don't want me here anymore? Guess I'm doing this again.

You bet your ass I will.

You're on your way to San Diego, and I'll write the order.

Hope you like perfect weather, great Mexican food, best beer in the country.

know what? I'm coming with you. Look, Captain.

You know it, and they know it themselves.

And what they want is results.

And that's what we're going to give them. We're going to give them the

The people upstairs like results that are absolute garbage. These guys are in

great shape. I need them.

We need him. So why don't we just help him and support him?

All right?

What do you say, huh, Cap?

I feel like somebody stuck a big club up my ass, and it hurt.

We've got to figure out a way to get it out of there. Step aside, we'll always

have Paris. I have a new favorite movie quote.

I don't want to see your face.

Hey, let's put another big club up his ass.

You son of a bitch!

Come back here, you motherfucker!

Their police captain is seriously unstable.

I hope there's a review board overseeing that guy.

Oh!

Yep, probably bipolar.

Rage, then euphoria. He should not be in charge of anything.

What happened?

You're out or in?

Baby, I'm always in.

Okay, Mr. Joe Samurai, now that you're in, I've got some interesting news for

you. What is it?

I guess I could have just told you the news rather than making you ask, what is

it? But hey, I'm a cop, not a movie maker.

Mr.

Fujiyama, the head of the Katana gang.

This is where he's been hanging out.

What does Katana mean?

And also, who are you?

Also,

there are two other Japanese gangs, the Shinjuku and Ginza gangs.

They're both rivals of the Katana.

All right, both of those gangs are willing to cooperate with us.

They're a small gang, mostly in gambling.

They're afraid of Katana.

That's why they're willing to help us. I'll cross behind you if you need me.

All right, in time we'll use their service, but not now.

Right now I say you and I go pay a visit to this Blue Lagoon restaurant.

I say we hassle this Christopher Atkins character really hard.

I can't, but I'll be home later on. I'll be home later on. Isn't that true of

all people who have a home?

Keep it warm.

Come on, Frank, let's go.

Yes, their breadsticks truly are unlimited.

We're stuck in an endless hell realm!

Jennifer, I have a small present for you.

Thank you, Mr. Fujiyama, but I don't know if I should accept that.

Please, take it. Unless you already have a cup of ranch dressing from the buffet

line. Because in that case, I'll just go ahead and pour it over my salad.

Thank you. It's beautiful.

I've never received a human fingernail in a gift box before.

Oh, Mr. Fujiyama.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, Tony, you're late.

Oh, sorry.

Please have a seat.

It's 10 a .m. and Tony's late. Yeah, evil gangs like to start their mornings

with a nice formal dinner.

Hey,

what time does the band start?

Oh, not until brunch, so like an hour from now.

Fujiyama? Yes, I am.

Who are you?

I'm a cop.

Any particular kind?

Any single foreign word that prefaces that? No.

I am Mr.

Fujiyama's attorney.

What do you want?

So you're the infamous boss of this shit katana gang, huh? Well, we occasionally

dabble in sh - Hey!

Not acting tough, he got up to ask for more gravy. Sit down.

Look, officer, you have no right insulting my client.

You have nothing on him.

And yes, we have.

Always have your actor stand in ugly corners. Really heightens the tension.

Officers, if you have anything against me, then book me.

Otherwise, as they say, get the hell out of my face.

Wait, who says that? Well, he hangs out with a lot of sassy black women.

A man is innocent until he's proven guilty.

You have nothing on me. Oh, I got a lot of shit on you. San Diego cops with

their fancy San Diego cop jargon. I'll sue you and the department for this

insult to my client.

I'll file the case first thing in the morning.

Hey, counselor, you still have three or four hours before the courthouse closes.

I'm telling these son of a bitches.

That we respect the Japanese of this country.

But we are going to say son of a bitches instead of sons of bitches. Yeah, this

is the land of opportunity for legitimate business.

Not for death merchants who distribute drugs. What? No death merchants?

I'm going to have to rethink my Kickstarter now.

Now I'm telling these motherfuckers that if they continue killing our

children... to make their precious millions that they deposit in their

Swiss bank accounts.

You know, his insights into the death merchant industry are spot on, guys.

on!

I'll have their stinking bodies in garbage bags and ship them back to Japan

fertilizer. Got it?

And you too.

Is there abuse for me too?

Excuse me, miss.

By the way, what's an all -American girl like you?

Doing with a geek like this.

Mmm, so racist.

See you around.

Well, I think they accomplished a lot with that visit. Good please work.

Hey, counselor.

We'll see you in court.

Well,

he spoiled Jerry's birthday dinner.

Are they talking to a cartoon rabbit?

First

time

his expression has been appropriate.

Tell her I think she's very lovely.

I'll do that.

I mean, if you can't depend on me, who can you depend on? I

like cops.

My cousin's a cop.

Oh, really?

Where? In Costa Rica.

I was trying to figure out if I should be offended by this guy, and then I

realized I can't even place him as human. Yeah, it could be a takeoff on

exotic South American tree fluff.

What's your last name?

That's all right. We just need your first name. Thanks a lot. Bye.

Bye -bye. I know you.

He's quite a character.

Blue Lagoon sales are down 400 % since they took him on.

Hey, check it out.

You like tiramisu?

Dan's not going to eat his.

I boxed it up for him. Hey, thanks, Dan.

I'm guessing that nod contained very complex instructions on tactics. No,

evidently not.

Gentlemen,

not in the parking lot of the Blue Lagoon. You are sullying our reputation

the finest breakfast -only seafood restaurant with an all -gay Costa Rican

in the metro area.

Oh, he hair -buttered him. That's got to hurt.

I think they made these punching sound effects by slapping a leather couch with

a wet ham.

I bet he leaves the prolonged crotch -to -ass contact out of his police report.

The only believable line of dialogue so far.

Move!

What are you going to do, fight this guy barehanded?

You're right, what are you... Oh my god, that little gesture just meant help me

punch him!

Freeze, you motherfuckers! Leave him alone!

Uncuff him! I mean it, uncuff him!

Ooh, Lincoln Hawk's worst nightmare.

Damn. Sorry about the terrible quip. I'm still hung up on the waiter's last

name.

Frank, look out!

I'm pretty sure Frank also heard the oozy fire.

He also yelled, heads up, in Hiroshima.

Oh, paintball can really hurt, man.

Keep in mind, this is in broad daylight in the parking lot of an exclusive L .A.

restaurant. Yeah, Jennifer Lawrence is waiting out the gunfire to hand her keys

to the valet.

Come on, get out of here. Ah, not staying at the bloodbath. That's the

renegade cop thinking they can only teach you in San Diego.

Fujiyama's in there trying to figure out the check over the gunfire.

Is the gratuity included?

I said, is the gratuity included?

Now, where was I?

Oh, right.

Cuted.

Good thing I ate lunch with this grenade down my pants.

It exploded twice.

Yeah, grenades are like earthquakes. The aftershocks can get you just as bad.

Wow, these weapons certainly are lethal.

I hope the bad guys don't steal them. Me too. Ripped off lethal weapons? That

would be terrible.

Yeah.

Son of a bitch.

Killed his own men.

I know.

It's called code of silence.

He doesn't want anybody talking.

The ancient samurais gunned down people in parking lots all the time. For

silence. Yeah, he's going to burn it.

Charcoal black.

It is black.

Right on.

Remember, folks, it's not racist if it's incoherent.

Los Feliz case.

You're the officer in charge of the case. Go do it. Bring me an arrest.

Chief, your rage is hardly bile -drenched at all today. You feeling all

Mr. Fujiyama is very upset.

These allegations of pee -peeing and cokes are libelous.

I mean, it's every right to be.

But frankly, I don't give a damn.

But Captain Roma, let me warn you. Fuck you and your client.

Comcast customer service must be banging down the door to hire this guy.

I got more important things than a chaser like you. Get out of here.

I'll see you in court.

You motherfucker, I'll see you in hell.

Leave me alone.

Get a job.

Now he gets into the McGruff costume to talk to the kindergartners.

Ooh, let me just alert the boss.

All the staff here talks like that. Ah, okay. Mr.

Okamura, the police officer is here.

Come on in.

I'm circumcised, okay? Just getting ahead of that.

Hi.

Hi. I was in the neighborhood.

Thought I'd stop by to see you. And might I add... No,

no, just friendly conversation.

You know, rumor has it that you own the restaurant.

It's a very nice restaurant.

Shame the grenade damage cost you a Michelin star.

You're a police officer.

Questioning is the nature of your business, isn't it? Yeah, but my visit

is simply social.

Why? Well, I'm a fellow lionhead enthusiast. I think you're very pretty.

Thank you.

Gee, where are my manners?

I haven't even introduced myself.

I've been a real son of a bitch's.

Joe Marshall.

I know.

And they call you Samurai?

Seems you know a lot about me.

Sorry,

I just find it difficult to talk in front of art that isn't based around one

the big cats.

He is? Then why the hell didn't you arrest him?

Pumbaa sold me out!

He left my mother and I buried under $400 ,000 in debt.

So, Mr. Fujiyama helped us out.

I guess you could say he owns the restaurant now.

That's why my mother and I feel indebted to him. We feel that way because we

literally are.

Severely. $400 ,000.

This drug money.

Dirty.

See, guys like Fujiyama make millions of dollars every year in this town by

selling drugs and destruction.

Yeah, they got their destruction into Costco. Really lucrative deal.

I think it's pretty safe to say that you shouldn't have any interest for what

this guy is doing.

Well, you're right. I have no interest at all in their activities.

You know, I said that about my kids, and now I have to see a social worker.

Well, I suppose being the restaurant owner, you must eat here quite a bit.

I go to town on shredded cheese in the walk -in.

How would you like to eat somewhere else for a change?

With me?

I'm sorry, I can't. I'm really busy.

Well, you're the boss. Can't you get somebody else to do it?

Not today. My bookkeeper's coming by later.

Turns out there's all this paperwork when a quintuple murder happens on your

property. How about tomorrow?

Tomorrow's Friday, and that's one of our busiest days.

All right, Sunday. Sunday it is. That's the most logical day to try next. Sure.

Besides, Sunday's my birthday.

Oh, Sunday's your birthday?

Well, happy birthday.

Thank you.

What church do you go to?

The Episcopal Church in Beverly Hills.

Ah, the Episcopal Church.

That's very nice.

Not like that Lutheran turd they got there.

Nice meeting you, Jennifer.

You too.

See you later.

Bye.

Mr. Tumnus woke up with a head like that in his bed when he didn't pay the White

Witch on time.

Can't believe he bought that Episcopal Church nonsense.

Hail Satan all the way, baby!

you gonna do shoot me maybe a little later right yeah ugly or me come on

go move okay make it quick guys dragon sound is getting their ass kicked in

in 30.

stay back this guy's mine he's frustrated about blowing his new kids on

block audition

Maybe Samurai Cop is short for Saw Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai.

Grandpa, why do you walk funny?

Well, dear, I threw myself down the stairs in a movie called Samurai Cop in

exchange for a free burrito. Grandpa, you're my hero.

No, thanks, kid. You swiped that whiskey from your dad like I asked you to. Got

it right here.

I'm in a lot of pain for that incident.

Yep, the sudden sight of a Geo Metro could have that effect.

Tell me who hired you. I don't know.

Tell me who hired you to kill a cop. Could you point your crotch like in any

other direction?

I'll break your fucking wrist. Now tell me.

I can't. They'll kill me.

No, they won't.

I'll help you. We'll swap in a body double. It'll be seamless. Trust me.

But if you tell me who hired you, I'll get them.

Okamura. Okamura sent me. Which one is he?

He's the big bald man.

The one who's always cleaning things and folding his arms? Has an earring?

All right.

I need his address.

How do we know that this is the right house?

Because we use smash cut power.

Then we'll arrest him.

And we'll have a solid case against the Katana gang for hiring four assassins to

kill a policeman.

On the other hand, if it's the wrong house, then we'll apologize to the

The usual police routine.

Cops are always reminding each other to follow the usual police routine.

Shit, man.

You'll burn my ass.

You don't have to worry about that. It's already... Yeah, good banter is hard,

so just kind of smirk while you say some words. You better come to my house to

report to the captain.

For what?

Let's use it before you lose it.

That is the appropriate response to what just happened.

He's right.

I think we know the usual police routine.

Shut up. Ah, my wedding night.

Hope the Japanese mob likes trampled geraniums.

You promised to buy me those Japanese pearls.

Did I?

Yes, you promised. Please don't mention his pearls when he's sitting like that.

Okay.

This was voted Best Movie Scene of the 90s by Asses and Crotches Magazine.

Read it for the articles.

Hey, Vic, take a look behind the building. All right. Yeah, Vic's always

suddenly looking behind something for no reason.

Guy.

Freeze.

Why did I freeze if you were just going to hit me anyway?

For all you kids out there, before the Internet, this is how we used to have to

watch people doing it. No, it wasn't. Listen to him. Did you hear something?

No.

Is that him? I guess so.

Looks like this is his last fuck.

We better finish it then.

No way. If he's a Sting fan, we could be here for hours.

Don't move. You're under arrest. As soon as I can get this to... Damn it. Open

door first, then shut up, guys. I never learned.

Get him off my back.

Freeze, Nakamura.

Somehow this is still the most dignified performance in the movie.

Freeze.

For the next guy, they're going to yell freeze as the coroner is pronouncing him

dead.

Are you here from Twin Galaxies about my Defender high score? Guess not!

He learned that move from Grandmaster Bert Lahr.

Late for his other henchman gig.

Goldfinger's gonna be pissed.

Johnny Uta would already have a dog thrown at him by this point.

Freeze!

Don't move!

Time for a quick Kotko knife demonstration?

No, that's just what they'll expect.

Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do? What you gonna do when these son of a

bitches come for you?

Jump through the cactus. He's clearly immune to sharp things shredding his

That's when the Viagra kicked in.

I'm unarmed.

You gonna shoot me?

Or fight me like a man? As a police officer, those are your only two

The thing is, he'd be making the same sounds if they'd let him finish in bed.

He looks like the Karate Kid porn parody version of Mr.

Miyagi.

Oh, he kicked him into a new theme.

Samurai trained for centuries to learn to fight like guys on any given MMA

undercard.

Seems like excessive force, but on the LAPD in the 90s, this counted as reading

your Miranda rights.

And things were really looking up for his testicles just like three minutes

If he's not careful, he's going to wake up whatever died on Joe's head.

It's like watching two eight -year -olds play Gorn Captain.

part of the usual police routine, folks. Happens dozens of times every day.

I'm finished.

No, no, remember your Chumbawamba training.

Okay, I didn't mean it happens dozens of times every day in this one scene

alone.

Just let me know if you want me to throw in.

Oh, no.

He might use those at a seafood buffet to pick out hard -to -reach crab.

Only he'd held out until 2001.

He could have had those knives personally questioned when Crocodile

to Los Angeles.

He sounds like Ren Hook caught in a blender.

Now is finishing move the thorough chiropractic exam.

You're under arrest, Akamura.

What? Oh, no, I'm Nakamura. Akamura lives next door. Oh, damn it.

Hey, I beat this little potato guy. In hindsight, it probably shouldn't have

been so hard.

He's under arrest.

Watch his arm. I might have broke it.

Looks like you did.

Make him do 100 push -ups, just to be sure.

He's under arrest.

Come on, get up. Get up.

Right. That's why you cuffed both hands. I always forget that.

Thanks, pal. I really am a terrible cop.

Holy shit.

Well, this one's dead, too.

Not captured alive.

On account of the aforementioned deadness.

We have some problems in the police department.

We have several new enemies.

Enemies of crime in the police department?

Well, this comes out of nowhere.

Lieutenant Washington,

Andrew Johnson, Peggy Lee Thomas, and this kid they call the Samurai Cop, Joe

Marshall. Yeah, you look at Joe and you think, what a whippersnapper.

Kid.

We buy him, the others don't matter.

No way, boss.

No way.

I tried to set them all up in private business. As you know, I'm a Mary Kay

myself.

It's a downhill situation.

I say if we cannot buy them, we kill them.

I agree with the sentient face.

It is a most difficult situation.

If any of those guys are hurt, they would suspect us.

Especially after Okamura's death.

Sorry, just a little choked up. We were supposed to summer in the Riviera this

year.

I have an idea.

They forgot to add the light bulb over his head in post.

Let's use an outside source.

I'll call New York, and we'll have them all wiped out.

I'll also order some bagels, because none of you jerks are eating the fruit I

set out.

We cannot kill any of them now.

But we should punish them somehow.

Call New York, and get somebody to break both of those summer cop's legs.

Both cops are samurais? This movie needs a plurals consultant.

It shall be done.

Who could shoot this in a mafia boss's house?

So that's what middle -aged puberty sounds like.

Excuse me.

Where did the tall guy with the ponytail go?

Out of fashion by the mid -90s?

Thank you.

Hello.

Hello again.

I don't have object permanent.

We are just a little business with him.

Hi, I'm cosplaying one of the extras in the Beaded video from 1982.

Pretty cool, huh?

You know, just because he's wearing sunglasses doesn't mean he's blind,

Are you expecting anybody?

No, I wasn't, bizarro Walt Disney.

That's a warning bell.

Oh, yeah?

Waltons, man.

Wait here.

I don't know. You're supposed to say Marco. Then I pointed my shirt and wink

the camera. Come on, guys.

Point -blank staircase shootings. What are the core tenets of the Bushido Code?

Don't shoot. I'm just coming up the stairs to get my Fitbit steps in.

Freeze.

No admittance. This movie's just printing its quips on doors now.

You guys have a really interesting interpretation of rake his legs.

I had a stool.

I broke both my legs.

I'm more a cop and seer suit model. This guy's amazing.

A natural response to Joe slowly backing away.

Hi there.

Oh, hi. You weren't sure to do?

Yeah, I was in there preaching. Didn't you see me?

No, you weren't. Stop kidding me.

Nah, I'm just kidding.

I know. I just asked you to stop.

Hey, hold on.

I have to ask you some more questions.

Police questions?

Like, who does Tackleberry think he is, and how does Michael Winslow do that?

Okay, where?

In my car. Come on.

Oh, my God, his car is a TARDIS. It's bigger on the inside.

Also, it's a house.

So... This is the police station. Are you interrogating me? This is the place.

Is this your house?

Yeah. I own it.

Month to month.

Little renter's humor.

I'm going to die on someone else's property.

Every good gang has a couple bored CPAs standing around at all times.

She left with the cop.

But now you're supposed to say she left with the cop, too. That's how you play

telephone, man.

Kill him.

My pleasure.

His other pleasures include saxophone solos and sensual beard trimming.

The teddy bears in the background let us know Joe is secretly eight years old.

Just a low -rent sequel to Big, isn't it?

You know what? As a matter of fact, I did.

I have a neighbor next door, and she has farm animals.

And what I did was I jumped the fence and stole one of her chickens and then

killed it. Great. Because I really wanted to impress you. So he's a crafty

cartoon fox.

Impressive. How did you know I'd come home with you?

Let's just say I can read eyes.

But that's the only letter I know.

That feeling when your flamenco teacher shows up uninvited.

Coming soon to ABC, Extreme Home Invasion Makeover. They're gonna

life and critique your wood paneling. My husband, he's a police officer. He

can't do this stuff! Yeah, I know. I want to know where your samurai friend

And I want to know now.

I don't know.

We're not good friends.

They were going to put us on the box of that good friends Kashi cereal, and I

said no.

John! John, help me. John, do something.

Leave her alone.

Every one of these background actors has a head shot up on creepyuncles .com.

Leave her alone, damn it!

Tell me where he is or I'll hack her throat out piece by piece.

I swear, I don't know where he lives.

I assume he's like Dracula, but his coffin is a tanning bed?

How about Frank or Peggy, the girl cop?

You lie.

They're pretty good friends. Maybe they know where he lives.

Oh, please don't hurt my wife.

Daniel!

Who says there are no good roles for women?

This was my favorite Kirkland Signature tank top.

This is Washington's address.

Chuck, you and your brother go there. We'll go to the policewoman.

He lives alone, but sometimes his girlfriend is with him.

You know how I operate.

Yeah, there's a string on your back, and if we pull it, you say cliché dialogue.

You get me information, you give it to me on the car phone.

We'll bury you in your finest leather shorts, my dearest.

Sir,

Tiny Speedo's always showing up in Kurosawa's samurai films, too.

You know, despite all the violence at its heart, Samurai Cop is really a sweet

romantic comedy.

Should have been called When Jennifer Met Mumble Ape.

Let me know when your banana's warm.

Can't wait to hang out with my friend Joe later and make weird reaction faces

stuff.

Sorry I'm late. Traffic. Sorry. Sorry.

Yeah,

we need to know your Butts Myers -Briggs type.

I'll give you the butt information, okay?

This black gift. This black stallion. This magnificent black beauty.

For all of us.

His address.

It's over there, the closet. You know, that place where you obviously live, Mr.

Peengrabber.

There ain't nothing here. There isn't anything here, Tommy. What did we say

about speaking professionally?

Damn finger.

Ooh, a Sonny Crockett memorial blazer.

Ain't nothing here at all.

Leave me alone!

Why are you being so mean?

Leave me alone, I said!

Jumping. You are cutting through.

Leave me alone.

Now I've got your lunchables.

Oh, it's a gun. Even better.

Teach you to take my sausage hostage.

You love cutting people, huh?

Now you're gonna get it. Ah,

now isn't that clever? She made a bathing suit out of two eye patches and

slingshot.

Now that is real professional. I thought so.

Episcopalian girls are fun.

Answer the phone.

Dammit, Mom's screening my calls.

Now what was I doing?

Wow. Being a samurai cop must pay way better than being a regular cop.

I'm hungry.

Me too.

Then it is agreed. Let us go put forth an edict so that no man shall be

of our shared hunger.

Another lonely lunch. Maybe I should try to be more accessible to men.

Lamb sharks?

Oh, yeah, baby.

Salt that water before you parboil the pasta, yeah.

This weather's dripping as shot. She's going to get ants.

What am I going to pick?

Hot pocket.

Relax.

No way he'll be able to get his jawline through there.

Why did I wear this male girdle? Damn my vanity.

Hey, baby.

Yeah,

there are a lot of unreleased Julia Child shows that end with her pounding

someone's nads, too.

Wow, this Weight Watchers program is serious.

Who wants pancakes?

This is inverse, you know.

Fuck you!

Grizzliest meet cute ever.

I don't know.

Maybe that will help you remember.

In the original script, she was just making a tuna sandwich for lunch. This

scene was way different.

Safety shorts about Guardiana got dark, man.

Why'd she have so much boiling oil?

Making herself several dozen chicharrones for lunch.

Thank you.

That's entertainment.

Grease stains better come out of my cutoffs, you dick.

You better not have

messed up my Bon Jovi tattoo.

Happy birthday to you.

I'm as dumb as a shoe.

See the outline of my glam's penis.

I'm not smart enough to rhyme.

Well, you can't have a birthday without a cake.

He's like if Disney's Tarzan was badly airbrushed onto the side of a van and

came to life.

Oh, what kind of cake did you end up getting for me? Oh, wait, we're really

doing this?

Ugh, okay.

Is this a colonoscopy?

It's not a birthday without a nap, right?

Please let this be a nap. A nice traditional birthday nap, please.

You have the right to remain sexy.

He can't concentrate. He's thinking about the chlorine and doing all of the

conditioning treatments he's done to volumize his hair.

Quite a feat of acting and directing to make two fit, naked people the exact

opposite of sexy.

Cameraman couldn't take it. Ducked out for a smoke.

This is Fresh Air. I'm Terry Gronk.

Come on, Joe.

Joe not owning a waterbed is the least realistic thing in this movie.

Hello. Listen, get out of your house. I mean, fast. Get out fast, man. Those

guys are looking for you. Are you okay? Did they hurt your gift? Your black

gift? What happened?

Michael Bay and Jean Jacket Gallagher, thank God you're here.

Come on, just get out fast. I'll explain later, okay?

They're coming after you. No time to put on your speedo.

Looks like they're already here. Gotta go.

Sneaky, sneaky.

You can't see me.

I liked it better when we didn't know what he was wearing under those jeans.

I never finished Infinite Jest.

You better take care of that before

tonight, or he's going to end up with a pool full of raccoons.

Nice home gym, boss. Want to do some chin -ups? How dare you.

How dare you.

Hey, come on. I got you. You're dead.

No, you're dead.

James Plevels.

Shogun didn't have nearly enough Miami Vice -style guns.

Listen,

don't worry. Get back inside.

A crime syndicate is trying to kill us with guns. Stop worrying.

Baby.

But you'll never get away from me.

Huh. Well, he actually did get away from me. I gotta start making claims I can

back up.

Johnny, come on. Johnny, get your gun.

Sound track by a guy who spends three hours trying out instruments at Guitar

Center then doesn't buy anything.

Getaway in the unguarded car? Does this bastard know his son, Sue, or what?

Hi,

Mom.

Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick about you.

There's nothing to worry about.

I'd tell you about the attempted murder, but you'd just make a big deal out of

it. He was very angry. He made arrangements for your birthday. He got

presents. I don't care.

I don't want him to ever do anything for me again.

Did Mom stick her finger in an electric socket?

I don't give a damn.

And you know why?

Because I'm in love.

Well, now I regret having your face tattooed on my butt.

I should fire both of you.

You never brought me one of those bats that's been alive so I can nail him with

something.

And because of you, I'm about to be fired.

I'm going to lose my pension. That means my future's gone.

I'm going to have to sell my miniatures collection!

Do you know something?

I don't give a fuck.

There's only one thing in this world. The man.

I want you to find that motherfucking Japanese gangster.

I want you to kill him and I want you to kill every one of his men.

I want you to turn his house into a bloodbath.

Don't leave anybody alive. Find an apple in the fridge, take one bite and put it

back.

And all three of us will turn our badges in.

Say goodbye to it.

I'll be off this police course for good. I can finally return this vest and tie

to J. Jonah Jameson.

All right.

See you, Captain.

See you in hell.

Let's go, Frank.

Surprisingly easy to talk Joe and Frank into multiple homicides, unemployment,

and hell.

Yeah, so anyway, the kid at the counter goes... Maybe it's none of my business,

but have you ever tried Garnier Fructis? I think it could really help with your

flyaway issue. And I'm all like, you're speaking my language, little dude. But

does it give good bounce? And he's more bounce than a Harlem Globetrotters game.

Anyway, Garnier Fructis. For stronger, healthier, shinier hair.

Wow, great story, man. Thanks.

Why did you come under?

Because I'm an undercover cop.

A little dad humor to lighten the mood before the blood -soaked massacre.

It appears the real criminal here is whoever's charging Mr. Fukuyama for lawn

care and landscaping. Just look at those bare patches and foot compaction. I

don't know, Mike. A little overseeding should take care of it.

Overseeding? That's your answer for everything.

Well, it's more prudent first step than a total re -sod, which is always what

you want. Guys, guys, guys, guys.

Not this again.

Me? Oh, just fiddling with a gun here in front of my mom curtain.

Where's the girl? She's down in the basement. The mother?

Be captain of the villa.

Use it.

Finish him.

Okay, boss. Wait, we have a villa?

Until we get a villa.

Go watch the other door.

Okay, boss.

Incredibly, that was only the fifth worst hair in this movie.

Go behind him. Get back.

Sounds like Joe got shot in the voice.

Get back.

This is how I respond every time someone asks me to drive them to the airport.

Noted for the future.

Drop it.

Ooh, a sexy death.

Let's get it on.

You know,

one of the benefits of a gang is that you can overwhelm opponents with

numbers. Nope, nope. One goon at a time. That's how we do it.

Arthrosclerosis, I win.

I'm the Mr. Fujiyama of my LARPing group.

Parker Lewis!

No!

Looks like he can and did lose, after all.

What if two embarrassing senior class portraits came to life and tried to kill

each other?

Ah, ceramic dog statue, painting of geese, faux pillar end table, floor

all classic elements of the villain's innermost sanctum.

Your sweetheart will be dead.

Ruth Gordon's been dead for years, you SOB.

I thought you were fond of her. Yes, I was, before you came in.

I had a good thing going, putting severed heads on my piano and all.

I.

Drop it. Drop it and move away from the already shot. I repeat, move away from

the already shot.

Take it easy, Frank.

Go ahead and shoot.

Her head will be blown off before I go down.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold on.

This is an unsanctioned, extra -legal blood orgy. Let's not go off half

Well, for one thing, I don't want any more trouble with the police.

Bullshit. The minute we disarm, he's going to shoot.

How do they get the dog in the corn dog? There's no hole. It doesn't make any

sense. Keep focused, man.

Drop the gun, Frank.

I don't want Jennifer hurt.

He's not stupid.

Is he?

He doesn't want to do the killing himself.

Go ahead and drop it, Frank.

Shouldn't he be giving a speech about how he and Joe really aren't that

different? Your sentiment always gets in the way of your intelligence.

Frank, no!

And only an undetermined, but probably still substantial number of days from

retirement. It's your turn now, cock.

Say sayonara.

No! Your catchphrase is such a cliché!

Frank, all right, man? Yeah. Fortunately, his bullet was blocked by

He was smart in every way, except one thing.

What's that?

His retirement savings. Almost all of it in money market accounts. Classic

error. To do what?

Put on a bulletproof vest, man.

Let's go home.

I got one more thing to take care of.

What?

Yamashita. He's still alive.

I can't live with myself knowing there's something out there that I haven't

murdered.

May my saliva protect you.

Hey, come on. It's lunchtime.

We're in the middle of a James Elroy -style police massacre, but sure, let's

break for sandwiches.

This movie allocated 90 % of its budget for black sleeveless T -shirts and the

rest for literally everything else.

Yes, Samurais.

Of course, famous for their sneaking abilities, unlike any other legendary

warrior class you could possibly name.

Dirty sweatpants, white sneakers, pure danger.

Look out, Joe.

Don't worry.

Joe, how many times do I have to tell you I am not Bobby McFerrin?

God damn it.

Ah, yes. The worst desecration of the Indiana Jones franchise before the

Skull.

Hey, guys. The cops are here.

Hey, thanks for the heads up, Cheech.

Parkour for Oafs video series sold very poorly.

Here's John. Damn cheap hinges.

Give it a shot.

Members only.

Joe Dirt, please get off our roof.

This is just the property owners checking to see if the movie's done

they can get back to their turnip farming.

Damn color me bad wannabes. Get out of here!

They recruited this team from a dive bar on a Tuesday morning.

Good point. I don't know if anyone is going to make it to the Troy Corey show

tonight. Oh, no.

Oh, he's a weeble.

Scratch that.

Where is anyone in relation to each other?

It's like gunfight at the M .C. Escher Corral.

Oh, man. Looks like Samurai Cop is in for a serious breakdancing challenge.

You've always been my favorite. I mean that.

What? Speak up. I can't understand what you're saying.

What? Oh!

Sneak up quietly! I gotcha!

Y 'all gonna see this here. Watch out.

Let's split up. It's not you. It's me.

Babe, babe!

Just a quick check for a spare head trimmer.

The tree's hit and bleeding bad.

At this point, I can officially say I miss that flamboyant waiter and would

much, much rather see what he's up to.

I guess Giuliani was right about

the broken window theory.

What Randy Quaid's neighbor sees.

Go get my sword.

Hey, Joe!

Can you dub my voice while I go take a leak?

Let's see how good you are with a sword, Samurai Supercop.

Fall in quick, fan. One sec.

Come on, try me.

Whoa! Phew! Almost fell off the cliff.

Anyway... Oh, ironic cliff falls of the west!

Say, I bet I could return this to Party City for store credit.

And now my elbow crease is perfectly lubricated with blood and sinew.

Oh, why'd they have to shoot in widescreen? Be closer!

Oh, come on! If this was filmed with a vertical iPhone, you'd be fighting

already.

Now watch as I unleash the deadly force of a drum majorette.

He's not so much a samurai cop as he is a nerf fencing cop. Or a partially

unraveled cardboard tube cop.

I'd say moldy pool noodle floating in sewage outside a condemned YMCA cop.

They just harmonize their grunting.

Downed effects on loan from the game Final Fight.

Sure, I could shoot the bad guy and end all this, but then Joe would give me

that, oh really, look.

Cool, maybe he'll get superpowers like Daredevil or Ray Charles.

Tank tops are my thing!

Oh, there it is.

Beard versus hair. The final showdown.

Cinderella, just in yellow, went upstairs to kiss her.

Man, what a slugfest.

I'm sorry, I'm just looking at the lineup they announced for this year's

slugfest. Garden slug's gonna be there, northern tree slug, common keeled slug's

doing a reunion show. Would you put that flyer away?

What is that?

Duh, I'm dead.

Wait, no, wait.

Yet. No.

You lost.

You lost faith.

He's got plenty to spare.

Bing, set him up.

You know the code of the Bushida.

Kill me.

He said the same thing on the set of Soul Taker when Estevez would bitch

his brother.

Kill me.

Possibly the only beheading video to feature buttonfly jeans.

No, Joe, you're a cop.

Oh, yeah, you're right. I wish I had a nickname that reminded me of that fact.

Too bad he wasn't allowed to use suicide knife during the fight. It's only for

suicide.

Rules are rules.

Leave him alone.

He's a samurai.

He wants to die with honor.

Not typically a sound associated with honor.

Hey,

remember how he honorably poured hot grease on a helpless woman?

Such honor.

Hush of the code.

Huh?

Guys, I think this might be it. Closing pan across the beach, and then we

face... No!

Chinese. Ugh.

Now comes the controversial bathing suit switching scene.

Oh, my... God. Yeah, it's not a pretty sight. Plugfest just announced Morton

Salt as a corporate sponsor. Are they completely tone deaf? This is going to

alienate the... Give me that other flyer. Where do you keep getting me?

When they're aroused, women go... Right?

And as we say goodbye to those flowing locks and bronzer, if you happen upon

this riff without paying for it, we ask that you head on over to RiffTrax .com

slash donate and make it right.

So sayeth the code of the samurai.

I thought the samurai code was, I can read eyes.

You sure it's not, have you been circumcised? It is neither of those.

you next time on RiffTrax .com and Slugfest!

So long, you son of a bitches!

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