Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, I don't mean to get into your shit here, but you like a runner or you got a

gym membership?

Oh, no.

Yeah, gym.

I have a gym membership.

Whereabouts? I don't know any good places around here.

I've been needing to get back into it for about 20 years.

Yeah, I hear you.

Body Works, downtown.

Any good?

Yeah, it's really good.

It's kind of a small place.

They don't let the 20 -year -olds play the radio.

Maybe I'll check it out.

Assuming I ever get to buy my shit and get out of here.

Yeah.

You know, I never did get your name.

Oh.

Hey, dude.

Um, Andrew.

Andrew Morris, if we're going serious.

Garrett.

Baxter. But I'm always never that serious.

So, um, you decided to join us, huh?

Hell yeah.

About time I just dealt with you pipe cleaners.

Pretty soon I'll be bucking pythons like my man here.

Throw me a flex, dog.

Bam! That's what it's all about.

Hittin' it and hittin' it hard.

That's the, uh, spirit.

Why don't you go ahead and go get it on? I'm gonna, I'm gonna go shower, all

right?

How about Blarney's scarf?

Really? I am wearing my cute boots, my new scarf, and you want me to go to

an Irish pub?

You never asked if this was a cute boots, new scarf kind of night.

Nor were you contributing suggestions, so... Cthulhu.

Very well.

But you're going to get very irritated when the female wage staff is turned on

by my animal husbandry.

Animal magnetism.

But no one's going to be looking at you anyway, sweetie.

Cute boots.

See?

Okay.

You want to go to Cthulhu so I can show you around?

Uh... Yeah.

way here, but I was wondering, would you mind spying me?

What? What?

On the bench press.

You know, so I don't crush my solar nexus.

What? What?

Ah, yeah, man.

Whatever you gym rats call it.

Uh, we usually call it spying.

Spying is what you do to get yourself kicked out of the challenge.

Really get your feet under your ass.

You really don't want that. Oh, gee.

Andrew, hey.

What's that?

These banquet things, they don't really have enough calories for a meal.

And it's all just trans fats anyway. I mean, you don't need that shit.

Eh, the price is right.

Well, I didn't mean to give you shit, okay?

I saw you over here and thought I'd say hey.

It's going to be on the same schedule.

Stop beating like this.

I like it.

Dude?

Did I do something wrong?

What? No.

No. It was a long day.

Long workout.

You know, I'm fucking exhausted, man.

You know how it is.

Yeah. Plus, she's kind of calling me in the middle of a set.

though.

Ah, that's cool, man.

I was afraid you were mad at me or something.

What possible reason would I have for being mad at you?

I know.

That's what I thought.

We're fine, man.

I'm going to go get something to eat. I'm wiped.

Yeah.

Catch you later, dude.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Oh, come on.

Come on.

Shut the fuck up.

All right, well, check with Lou Raybaugh, you fucking defendant.

Going down after him.

This hooptie -ass piece of shit comes pulling up next to me.

Little Jesse Pinkman -looking shit driving.

The Cheega -very -looking guy sitting next to him must be his dad. Long,

-ass hair, fucking beard for days.

And as I go to pass me, I make eye contact with the dad.

And the look on his face told me more than any words ever could.

Do you know what it said, Andrew?

Do you know what it said?

No. Ted, what did it say?

Fuck yeah.

My son is passing the shit out of this shaggy motherfucker.

I don't know why I get so engrossed in your buildup. I swear, you

have the most average possible life.

I'm telling you, man. He was so proud of his stupid shitty kid, it was almost

supernatural.

So what's good, boys?

Ted was just telling a story. You know what? It wouldn't make any sense anyway,

so. Great, great.

Sounds hilarious.

Garrett, do you know Ted?

I know a Ted, but I don't know this Ted.

Ted? I'm Ted. Ted. Yeah.

Yeah, so what's up, dude?

Same old, same old.

Long day at work.

Bosses and ass.

Customers are one giant collective ass.

You know how it goes.

Guess so.

Makes me wish they had a punching bag in here.

Know what I'm saying?

Ted knows.

He guessed it.

Yeah, well.

I gotta get going.

See you, Andrew.

Nice meeting you, Gary.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I gotta... Oh, it's cool. It's cool.

So, are you still going with me to Patty's thing?

I have to.

I don't think she likes me very much.

What do you mean?

She's really baiting me with that Christian rhetoric.

I mean, she is a Christian, so that is going to come up from time to time.

From time to every time?

You don't have to go.

I'm not going to make you. I just thought that it would be nice

and I would appreciate it if you...

I'll go.

But only for Bill's amazing meatballs.

Right. Because the opportunity to do it for your amazing, gorgeous,

genius, perfect, long -term girlfriend.

Not so much. But the opportunity to have Bill's balls in your mouth.

That's correct.

Yeah. Correct.

I want Bill's meat. Oh, yeah. I'm so bad. Yeah. I will put up with that. But

she brings up gay marriage one more time, I'm going to gay marry my fist to

face. Oh.

I will be sure to bring the flowers and rice.

All right. And... Oh, shit.

What? What?

What's that?

What?

The weird guy from the gym I was telling you about.

What, the Shannon Boone tribute over there?

That is the guy that you've been freaking out about.

I don't think he's dangerous.

It's just that he came for a friend.

Yeah,

well, the car is over there, so you're out of luck, stud.

No, you are being ridiculous.

You're going.

I will protect you.

Andrew! Hey!

Hey, Garrett, what's up?

Just window shopping at a closed bakery.

Trying to keep it on lockdown, but it's not easy.

This must be Jennifer?

Um, yeah, but how did you know that?

Uh, Mark Zuckerberg's grand social experiment.

I couldn't not know your girlfriend's name if I actively tried.

Oh, nice to meet you. Oh, nice to meet you.

Andrew told me that you've been at the gym almost every night. So, good for

Thanks. Yeah.

I figured it was time for some changes.

And that seemed as good a start as any.

I really admire your dedication.

I need to get a membership. I have been way too sedentary lately.

Nonsense. You look fantastic.

Why, thank you.

He's right.

You're hot as balls, sweetie.

Ever the German.

No kidding.

Well, hey, I've got to get home.

I've got the PGA waiting on my DVR.

It was nice seeing you, dude.

Nice seeing you, Jennifer.

I'll catch you both later.

You can fuck right off.

I was waiting for you.

What's new?

Nothing, just finishing up.

You?

Oh, not a whole lot.

I said, not a whole lot. I heard you.

But look, man, that's absurd, not a whole lot.

Is it?

What have I been up to?

Only getting this radical haircut, that's what.

So you have.

Looks familiar.

Yeah. I told the guy I wanted the Vin Diesel.

Gotta work on my tough guy image if I'm gonna have muscles like these.

Right.

Well, for a man of a certain age, that long hair can get ridiculous.

Probably about time.

Yeah.

I guess so.

Looks like it's time for me to go.

See you, Garrett. It's nice to see you.

Well, I just think it's misandry. That's all it is. These are women who hate

men, okay? And they're not happy that we have some sort of a perceived

advantage, which is not so, by the way.

charities that give money to women. There are scholarships for women to go

college. For what kind of men?

African American men.

Native American men.

White men do not get their own special scholarship

just for being white men. Women, you show up with your vagina.

I'm sure Ku Klux Klan has scholarships.

No, I'm going to stop you right there, Franklin. I want to ask you a question

here. Do you think that car is following Andrew Morris?

The red truck?

That red truck. Do you think that red truck is following him on purpose?

Your father, Franklin?

Yes.

And do you do as much around the house as your wife does?

I drive.

And you're happy with that?

My wife and I have an arrangement where I have this job here that pays me very

well, and I take care of her and my child monetarily, and she handles chores

home.

That's something that humanity has been doing since we... And if

that's how she wants to live her life, is that the approach she wants to take?

That's fine. No one's arguing against them. No, there are plenty of feminists

who would demonize her for making that choice, who would say that she's not

fighting the fight, that she's giving in to the patriarchy or some crazy notion

like that. Allow me to take it back to something we were talking about earlier

here.

He's in downtown now, Andrew Morris, and there's no real ambiguity here. That

car is definitely following him. I mean, you're seeing this, right? You know, I

agree with you.

Almost no issues, but this guy is definitely following Andrew Morton's.

I've got to say, if I'm the standard character, I'm going to be getting

worried right about that, you know what I mean? In your Washington Post article,

you said that you think feminism is possibly the most important fight of the

21st century. Do you stand by that?

Sure.

This is about equal rights for every citizen.

What could be more fundamental than that?

This is going to impact everything in this stance.

is something that is going to raise everyone's standard.

Y 'all see that?

What about it?

It's me.

Is it?

Seriously?

It's creepy.

How is that creepy?

How is it not creepy?

He's posting pictures of me without my consent.

Eve, you're overreacting.

There's a picture of him.

You happen to be in the background of because you go to the same gym.

It's cumulative.

You know, I mean, it's this and everything else.

Sweetie, everything else is in your head. I don't get what you have against

guy.

Read for a little?

Yeah.

I want you inside me.

Blast me with your clam cannon! I crave your sudden thunder, dog!

Fuck!

What the shit are you doing here?

I think it's disingenuous to blame this on me.

No. It's not like I'm exactly getting anything out of it. No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no.

Where's Jennifer?

I don't know how any of this works, man.

You're the boss in here.

No, no, I had nothing to do with it.

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

It's sure not this. Look, you gotta get the fuck out of here or you're gonna be

sorry.

Your dick's currently in my urethra.

How much sorrier could you possibly make me?

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Long time no see.

How's it hanging?

Why would you ask me that?

A pretty standard colloquial greeting, dude.

You alright?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I'm alright.

Just didn't get a lot of sleep.

That bite.

Hey, I was wondering.

Do you want to see the new Star Wars movie?

Does anybody want to see the new Star Wars movie?

Well, I think so.

I do.

I was thinking about checking it out tonight. I thought I'd see if you wanted

tag along.

You know, I probably would, but Jennifer's got this Christmas podcast

she's been nagging me to go for a week. I'm not going to be home tonight, so...

Cool, cool.

Probably better waiting for the DVD anyway.

Sorry, man. I haven't even planned it for a week, you know.

Just, uh, what time is it?

Oh.

I'm going to be late.

She's going to kill me.

Hey, man. You forgot. The fuck, dude?

Excuse me?

Just come on inside.

What? I'm inside.

I'm inside.

Okay. I think we need to go. I think we need to go.

Sit down.

Dude, I can't stand long. Sit the fuck down!

What's your deal, man?

My deal?

Your deal.

What are you, like, obsessed with me or something?

Why the hell would you say a thing like that? You joined my gym.

You're fucking everywhere.

You breath like me now. You even got your fucking hair cut like me.

Fuck.

Oh, this sucks.

I thought you were kind of cool. I wanted to be friends.

It's not my fault you keep bumping into me. You bump into me.

No way, dude.

Everywhere we see each other, I'm there first.

You bump.

No, no, no.

You. You do the bumping.

Okay? If anyone does. Okay? It's like I'm the bump receptacle or something.

Is that my phone? Is that my fucking phone?

You left the fucking thing at the gym. I was trying to be nice and return it to

you.

No, I didn't. No, I didn't leave it anywhere.

Okay, it was in my gym bag.

You must have gone in my locker and fucking taken it.

What bolt cutters, asshole?

What the shit?

Shit, I didn't take any calls from Jennifer.

Are you answering my goddamn calls now?

She called you like three times.

I figured she must be worried. I told her you were running late and you forgot

your phone at the gym.

You're fucking welcome.

No.

No. Don't welcome me after invading my fucking private theme,

okay?

Oh, you're right.

I'm the worst person in the world for trying to be friends with somebody and

returning their expensive property that they left in a public place.

Now, don't get snarky with me, you delusional little cunt.

I want you to stay the fuck away from me and stay far away from my

girlfriend.

No fucking problem.

I don't need to poison my life with some roided out egotistical sociopath.

I want you to leave that fucking water bottle and get the fuck out.

You want your water bottle back?

I want it.

pumpkin water bottle back.

Okay. Here. Have your water bottle back.

Oh, shit.

You're not supposed to be here.

Well, no fucking kidding.

Blame this asshole.

Well, I really don't know what to do here. I'm not super in the mood for

homicide tonight.

Ted?

Was it that obvious?

Well, you didn't even disguise your voice. Yeah, kinda.

I couldn't tell.

Shut up, Garrett.

So what do we do now, man?

Well, I don't know.

The last thing I needed tonight was a home invasion.

Wait.

Are you two fucking?

What? No. No. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Uh -huh. No.

Uh -huh, yeah. No.

No, no, no, no. We were having a disagreement until somebody, you know,

into my fucking house.

Yeah, that one's on me.

Yeah, no shit that's on you.

Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the storage, the laptop, and

American Express gold card. They won't even charge you for the Friday night

session?

Counteroffice.

I give you nothing.

And you get the fuck out of my house. I mean, you can kill Garrett on the way

out if you like.

This is not a fucking negotiation.

Don't think just because I know you, I won't fucking shoot you.

Jesus Christ!

Fuck! Fuck!

Holy shit!

Oh, fuck. Shit, shit, shit. No, why don't you just shut the fuck up? You

little faggot.

I'm not even gay.

What? What?

What is that?

Faggot.

You said faggot. You called me a faggot. How?

We took that back. That's right.

It just means loser.

What the shit does it matter anyway?

You just killed Ted.

Ted was going to kill us.

You should thank me for saving your faggy little life.

Will you please insult me in a less insensitive way?

You should thank me for saving your worthless little life.

Does that take this thing out?

A little bit.

And Ted wasn't going to kill us.

He was just going to take your laptop and be on his way.

He said that, but he's a burglar. You can't just be a burglar. They're only

for one thing.

What thing?

Burgling. He's out to burgle.

But he knows us.

We know him.

That's exactly why he would have killed us.

You can't be a burglar who lets people who know you burgled them live.

Tell the cops that you burgled them.

Will you stop saying burgle?

What the fuck are we going to do?

Let me call 911.

Emergency. What are you doing?

No cops.

Why not?

It was self -defense.

Who's gonna buy that?

What do you mean?

He had a gun.

Do you really think that the cops are going to buy...

that he was incompetent enough to let me hit him over the head with a blunt

object. That's what happened, though.

It is, but then I hit him again when he was down, and now they're going to have

to take me at my word that that's what happened. I know how God thinks.

We can just get rid of the body, and I think we're going to be fine.

I'm here.

I'm a witness.

That really only makes it worse.

I'm not following you on any of this, dude.

We know each other.

And as far as anyone in public is concerned, we're friendly.

There's footage of us talking at a grocery store.

At the gym.

There's probably footage of us talking to Ted at the gym.

So fucking what?

There's probably footage somewhere of me jerking off in my car.

At a stoplight. It's immaterial.

Do you know how astronomical the odds are of a guy robbing the house of a guy

knows while another guy he knows just happens to be there?

And then the odds on top of that of them disarming and incapacitating him. You

understand what this will look like, right?

I haven't understood anything since earlier when you were fucking choking

They're going to think that you and I killed Ted and saved it to look like a

robbery.

If this is because of your call, you are fucking dead.

Ambulance. I'm not helping you get rid of the body.

That's insane.

You don't have a choice.

You're not going to kill me.

Did you forget where I was choking you within an inch of your life?

Did you miss the part where I killed a guy that I like a heck of a lot better

than I like you?

So what the... What's the plan?

What do you need out here?

Are you getting a chainsaw?

A chainsaw?

What the fuck do I need a chainsaw for?

To cut up... To cut up the body.

To cut up the body.

To cut up the fucking body. Why in God's name would I cut up the body?

To make it easier to move, dude.

Do you even think before you say these things?

I can't cut up the body because the fucking body is in my fucking house.

And I can't blame two gallons of blood in the bedroom on Jennifer's period.

A chainsaw in the bedroom?

Really?

What would the neighbors think? Like a late night manscaping session or

something?

Do you manscape?

I did once.

I cut out my scrotum and I couldn't finish the green job. It looked like a

with mange lost a fight. It was absolutely horrible.

Ew.

All right, let's go upstairs.

What do you need in there?

There we go. Yes.

Ready? Yes.

Come on, come on.

What? I have an idea. What's that?

Put your rope down.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Nice one.

That's pretty good.

Let's just set it down here.

So what now?

Go gather me up some rocks.

Rocks? What for?

We'll weigh them down, obviously.

I don't think we're going to find any rocks big enough to tie to them around

here, man.

We're not going to tie them to the rocks.

So what? Are we just going to set them on the body and hope they drag them down

with them?

Nope. Obviously not.

No, we're going to...

We're gonna cut a hole in him and then stuff the rocks in his gut.

Man.

What the fuck kind of psychopath are you?

Um, the kind that doesn't get life in prison after the police find his

waterlogged murder victim because the ropes rotted away.

Now go find me some fucking rocks!

Well, what are you gonna do?

Well, I'm gonna puncture the lungs so he becomes less buoyant.

I'm not sure about this, man.

Look. We're almost there, man. We're almost home free. All we gotta do is

just... Oh, fuck. Oh, shit, he's still alive.

Fuck!

Isn't that a good thing?

No. No, we can't chase the plane now.

No, it's not over until this bedroom -burgling bastard is embedded on the

floor.

I don't think it has to be like that, dude.

That's super vindictive.

Come on, Andrew. It doesn't have to be like this. It's cool, man. Come on.

He's right, Andrew. Just let him go.

Come on, man. Quit pro quo.

You don't rat about me stealing your shit. I don't rat about you going

crazy trying to drown me in a goddamn lake.

Andrew.

Andrew, stop.

Gah!

How are you?

Oh, um, fine.

Um, tired as fuck, but fine.

How was your shed day?

It was fine.

Most of the people that they invited didn't show up, so after dinner they

invited me to watch Netflix with them.

Oh, that sounds like fun. You love Netflix.

Yeah, well, Bill and Polly got into an argument over what we should watch, and

had to sit on the couch while they hatched it out.

What'd you guys finally decide on?

Safe world.

Bill one done.

I, um, brought you something.

Just like I said I would.

Cool.

You look like you're good to me.

Yeah, I know.

Well, listen, I, uh, hatred that we've all been around, but I gotta get to work

by 11.

Even if you work night?

Yeah, it's a personal job.

You know, even if you, you know, work for somebody else, you still have to

your scheduled shifts.

They still are making that sweet, sweet Uber tag.

Well, maybe if I work another shift, I can buy some life -altering jewelry for

my girlfriend, the meat smuggler.

Meat smuggler.

Meat smuggler.

I like it.

Maybe I'll have business cards printed.

Hey, um, I don't have to get changed yet, so...

If you'd like, you can have a cup of coffee with me.

I might be talking to it.

Good morning, officer.

Please turn off your vehicle.

Oh, sorry. I needed on to work the power window.

License and registration, please.

Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

How fast was I going, officer?

No, it's a legitimate question. My thingy is... Radar?

Yeah. My radar thingy is broken.

I was going 55.

Were you?

Do you know what's supposed to be the limit is around this area?

It's 55, officer.

Is it?

Yes.

Is it?

Please.

Alright.

That seems to check out. Everything here seems above board.

May I ask why I was pulled over, officer?

You may.

Why was I pulled over, officer?

You switch lanes back there without signaling to the other drivers.

Did I?

I'm pretty sure.

Did I?

I'm sorry, officer. It won't happen again.

See that it doesn't.

Yes, officer.

Am I free to go, officer?

You are.

Thank you, officer.

Andrew? You know, I thought this was your car.

It's really funny you getting pulled over this morning like that, isn't it?

know, considering?

I hadn't really thought about it.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm sure you hadn't. You know, I just wanted to check in with

you. You know, make sure you're okay.

Making sure the other guy was treating you all right?

Yeah, I mean, he was... Making sure you weren't telling him any stories?

I didn't say anything.

I'm not going to say anything to anybody.

Not anything.

Oh, you know, that's a little extreme.

But, you know, there are certain anythings that are just between us.

Right?

Absolutely.

Without question.

Great. Great.

You in the gym?

Yeah. You know, I figured I was wired.

I couldn't sleep, so I just thought, why not?

Hmm. Why not?

Yeah.

Well, all right. You know, like I said, just checking in with you.

I'm going to be seeing you real soon.

Hey! Hey!

Eh?

Alright.

Hey, buddy.

What do we got going on tonight?