Original subtitles

Platypuses!

Get ready and go to the red carpet to find out who your VIP is.

-Guys, ready, set, go! -Let's go.

So the routi--

The routine. We were ready for it.

RED CARPET SURVIVAL

Cristiano, the only rule is never to set foot out of the red carpet.

Honey, my life is one big red carpet.

-And so will be your death. -No!

Let's knock on wood. I don't know, I may be touching my jewels.

Cristiano, you are about to meet your team.

Okay, I'm looking forward to that.

They have to hurry. I'm melting.

-Don't worry. They're coming. -Okay.

Awed, Pierluca, Ginevra. Are you there?

Yes, we are!

You look pumped.

Go to the entrance. You'll find the tower. Get in position.

If this is being pumped...

Awed.

-Tell me, Awed. -I've a question. Why "Platypuses?"

Don't be quarrelsome. We haven't even started yet.

I liked it like that.

We were thinking about "Hotguards."

I mean, we are--

-You're deluded. -Let's go on.

-Shall we get the VIP out of the tower? -Sure!

-Are you ready? -Yes!

-Are you pumped? Go! -Go!

How marvelous.

-What charm. -Cristiano Malgioglio!

How marvelous!

He's looking daggers at them.

-The first one fell over. -That's right.

-Guys, get me. -Come on, get him.

-Your Holiness. -"Your Holiness?"

-We are at your service. -Thank you. How wonderful.

-Can we ask you a question? -Yes.

-Cristiano, do you know us? -No.

-Perfect. You will now. -He thinks highly of them.

Awed, we have to explain the rules to our guest.

-Cristiano got it all. -He's the only one who has.

It's a theory.

Are they also walking on the red carpet?

You can never step out of it, or else one of the bodyguards will be eliminated.

Just go away, guys.

No, come on!

Go back, I'll tell you when to go.

-It's long. -My veil!

-Oh, my. -That's a great start.

Cristiano is also very elegant.

He must get there intact and untouched.

Like those singers who are given a Grammy Award.

-What does he know about Grammys? -And what do Grammys know about him?

Please, Cristiano. Don't fall over.

-If you do, fall on your face. -That's right, straight down.

How dare you?

I don't know, Cristiano. Sorry about that. Sorry, guys.

What is it?

Branzinos are in the house!

All clear. All fine here.

Can you tell Brenda she is not in Kill Bill?

If there's an emergency, help me out. You're really good at it.

-Of course. -They are experts.

Let's get back to the red carpet. Platypuses.

-Here we are. -Red Carpet Survival.

Three, two, one...

Go!

-Come on, the clock is ticking. -Time is money.

-We're doing great. -Look at his shoes.

-This is easy. It's all straight. -There's a corner here.

You could go faster here.

Even with heels, honey. Look.

WATCH OUT

I've got a danger signal.

Already? There are some weird...

Those are the haters.

-Oh, my God. -How ugly.

-VIPs' sworn enemies. -Really?

I must say, I have no major problems with haters.

Whatever they say to me, I have a laugh.

-Where are they? -Ahead.

Oh, my.

Let's wrap this episode up. Let's say goodbye.

-I got scared again. -It was scary.

Platypuses, keep calm.

-We are very calm. -Of course.

What shall I do if I burn my veil?

Said the actress to the pope.

-Let me pick this up, so... -So it burns better.

-Nice one. -Yeah, right.

-Let's go on. -Come on, hurry.

Go, go! Run, run, run! Go!

We got past it!

TASK ACCOMPLISHED

-Perfect. Come on. -Walk, walk, walk.

You can see a red door.

THE DOOR

What do you have to do? Pay attention, Platypuses.

-Open it. -What do you need to open a door?

-A key! -Good one!

-Bravo, I would have said "the handle." -What an intuition.

I have a tool kit which could be useful.

-Really? -I also have a friendship stamp.

What would we need that for?

Come on, let's do the friendship stamp.

-No, you'll spoil my dress. -That's right.

Let's find these keys!

Guys, let me remind you that the clock is ticking.

-Oh, Lord. -Oh, my.

-They are so bad. -They have the key! They have the keys!

-Bravo! -Which key is it?

It looks like a cheap tourist resort dance for kids.

There are other keys to get.

Look, can I take the key myself?

-Yes. -Let's see if he's luckier.

Cristiano is taking the situation in hand.

-That says it all... -That's not it.

But, honey, this is the wrong side. Hold this.

Aren't you using the same one? Just asking.

-This one doesn't fit. What shall I do? -It might be the wrong one.

Here's another one. Guys...

Try open it from the outside.

Here it is!

-Here it is! Found it! -Found it?

Great. And welcome to my home.

TASK ACCOMPLISHED

Guys, how marvelous!

Go, go, go!

-Protect your VIP. -Protect him.

-It's Cristiano Malgioglio. -Cristiano!

-Oh, my God! -Oh, my!

That was risky.

Cristiano!

You have to go to the other side!

-This way. This way. -There. He's knackered already.

-Go, go, go! -Why do I have to suffer like this?

Keep in mind these were the easiest challenges.

Can I hand out some vitamins in this situation?

-What is it, whiskey? -No, it's chocolate with strawberries.

-What? -Sugar.

-Gosh, it smells terrible. -I see.

Come on, go on.

This is a winding staircase. Please, pay attention.

-A winding staircase? It's straight. -It's not a winding staircase.

Let's go. Hurry up.

There are no mice, right? I'm terrified of them.

-No? -Are you crazy?

-Wasn't it here... -No, it's different.

WATCH OUT

Platypuses, I've got a danger signal.

-Now? -And it's not Malgioglio.

What is it?

No, guys...

Here starts the game!

Darkness is ugly, though.

Platypuses, keep calm.

-Light a match or something. -I can see. I have infrared sight.

But we can't see anything.

We'll check the carpet with our hands.

What shall I do now? I can't see shit!

Is that thing over there a mouse?

No, please!

Yes, Cristiano.

-What happened? -Just say "yes," and they get mad.

Don't confuse my team, Gialappi.

-They seem confused enough. -Exactly.

Go, go, go.

Cristiano, watch out for the carpet. You're about to step out.

Is Awed walking on his knees?

Where are you touching me? You can only touch my legs.

-I'm showing you the way. -Awed.

-A snake. -What is that?

There's a small snake on the ground.

Are you kidding?

Watch out. There's a small obstacle. We won't say what it is.

-What is it? -There may be corpses.

Watch out for the carpet, guys. Cristiano can't step out of it.

-I can't take it anymore. -Come on, Cristiano. We're nearly there.

Here you go. Come on, you made it!

Bravo!

-We've been great. -Wonderful.

I mean...

Can I pull my pants up, since they're falling off?

-Sure. -Alessia, let us remind you,

we're checking how the teams behave,

and at the end of the third episode, we'll punish the team deserving it.

-Hurry up. -Let's be fast.

Be fast, guys.

Watch out! You can see a door.

I've seen this in several movies.

Here we go. He's broken a shoulder.

-The door is open, by the way. -Come on.

Maybe we have to pull.

-It's a sliding door. -It's a sliding door.

Good evening.

Where have these people trained to become bodyguards?

You can do it.

-How cool. -Here we go.

THE RELAX ROOM

-Well, we have visitors! -Haters again? What a drag.

-You have to go. -They are weirdos.

-What's going on in there? -It's the relax room.

In this challenge, only the VIP goes on the carpet.

On your left, you can see some red footprints.

-Stand there. -Yes, those ones. Great.

-So, Cristiano... -Tell me.

You have to climb those steps, and keep on going on the carpet.

Stay on the red carpet, and don't make any noise.

-Watch out for-- -Avoid those hanging things.

For each noise, there will be a penalty.

-Can I bend down? -Sure, you can do whatever you want.

But don't make any noise.

-Poor Malgi. -Go.

Go, Cristiano.

Not so fast, or else...

Go.

-Yes. -Good!

-Well, come on. -First penalty.

Go on. Stay lower.

I look like a lizard. What the fuck.

-Come on, you're doing great. -Things are sticking to the floor.

-How the hell can I... -I don't wanna know what. Go on.

Can I take my clothes off?

-What? -I'm not sure that would be appropriate.

No, honey. I have a great body.

A beached fur seal.

-Come on. -Come on, Cristiano.

-His dress isn't helping this time. -Not really.

-Better to have had come in a bikini. -Yes, way better.

Where is this thing?

Come on, you're doing great!

No, your foot!

-No! -How can he keep his foot like that?

-How the hell would I know? It's my heel. -It's his heel.

I've got news for you. You have feet.

You can do it, Cristiano.

-Or else, you can give up. -I'm not giving up.

-He will never give up. -That's the spirit.

-I can't believe it. -You are almost there.

Bodyguards, what are you doing? Are you giving advice to Cristiano?

No, they are not saying shit.

Look, I don't give a shit. I'm mad as hell.

-Bravo! Go! -Touch everything.

-Bravo, Cristiano. -That's how we like it!

Yes!

I can't stand it.

-You made it! -Great!

-You've been great. -About 40 penalties.

-Gialappi, I'll say, "Task accomplished!" -Yes. He seemed to be struggling, but...

TASK ACCOMPLISHED

-Go on. -Let's go on.

Watch out, though.

Now you'll find a big obstacle.

Well, we can see it.

THE GIANT BALL

-What's this ball? -Here we go.

-It looks like the chandelier at my place. -That's handy! And surely easy to clean.

-Can I try something? Excuse me. -He can't.

-What is he doing? -Why backwards?

It's a shrimp.

-What's this thing now? -It doesn't look like a great idea.

-Watch out for your knees. -Yes, you're right.

-Where did you get these? -How have you trained them, Alessia?

What are you doing?

Guys, I have heels!

-Take them off. -I can't.

Just crawl. Would that be a problem?

Cristiano, like a gecko. Like that.

-No, Alessia. -Alessia.

-Show us. -Ginevra, go.

Like a Marine, go.

-Yes. -Guys, she's a ninja!

She's a ninja!

Nice crawling, huh?

You're a worm, Ginevra.

You're an earthworm! A snail with no shell!

Feeling supported is nice.

My dress will get ruined. Are you mad?

You can do it, Cristiano.

It's looking really bad.

What is he doing?

Bravo! Cristiano, you are a legend!

-I think he's stepped out of the carpet. -He jumped.

-Let's check it out. -Let's stop the clock.

I swear.

-Let's check the footage. -We're going to check it.

If you've stepped out, one of the bodyguards is out.

Unfortunately, one foot was out of the red carpet.

The competition is still on, Cristiano,

but one of your bodyguards will be eliminated.

-Great. -Great.

I mean, with such a big ball, how can you--

You had to crawl.

-But how? My tuft would touch it. -What's your tuft got to do with it?

-Platypuses. -Here we are, Alessia.

Make a final plea. Unfortunately, I have to choose one of you.

Why shouldn't I choose Awed?

Alessia, please. My parents don't know I'm here.

I've run away from home. I'm playing for keeps.

-Not even the police knows you're here. -No, they don't.

-Let's hear from the second. -Pierluca.

I'm their coordinator. How can they survive without me?

-That's true. He gave a good example. -And now, choco-strawberry.

-I carry many useful things. -Yes, we've noticed.

For the morals-- For the morale, not really for the morals.

But I believe I'm a crucial element in this team.

-Extremely crucial. -So, considering your path till now,

the person who has to leave the red carpet is...

Ginevra.

No!

What is that?

-It looks like Big Brother. -The other two pretend to be sad.

You don't understand. Everything here is amplified.

Ginevra, you have to leave the red carpet.

Don't cry, dear.

Come to the control room, while the competition goes on.

Platypuses, watch out. There's another obstacle.

THE WHEELBARROW

-Ouch. -Yes.

-One piece of the red carpet is missing. -It is.

I'll resume the clock. Try to solve it. Three, two, one, go.

You could sit here and we can push you there.

Bravo.

-But the flippers... -Right, the flippers.

-As you can see, there's a sign. -No shoes here.

-What if we wear flippers? -Bravo.

-I got good grades in Pictograms. -And what shall I do?

-I think that... -Hold this for a second.

-You're crazy! -How awful.

Awed has a neurological problem.

-Where are you putting your socks? -To add some volume.

-Shall I be in the front or in the back? -As you wish.

This must be the nth time you're answering this question.

-You choose. -No.

-Hello. -What a shame!

-Sit there. -Let me...

-Oh, my. -Perfect.

-Do you want the friendship stamp? -Yes.

What a nice view.

-Where am I? At the gynecologist? -Don't worry.

-It would be better on an empty stomach. -Give your shoes to Cristiano.

-Are you crazy? How dare you? -Bravo.

-Slow down. -Platypuses, a bit of energy!

-Perfect. -Oh, my God. Come on, walk!

-Go on! -If it takes six days, it doesn't count.

Upsy-daisy!

-He's training. -It's not a swing, though.

I love this. I have never had a wheelbarrow ride before.

-Listen to me. -I'm not listening. I'm hot. Go.

-Go on. Come on. -Turn.

-A corner. -Why is Awed doing all the work?

Well, can I take over?

He's such a tall boy, but he doesn't seem very strong.

They have never used a wheelbarrow.

Gosh, he's sweating.

-It's not a bad idea. -You know that Pierluca...

I love it!

There is one more obstacle.

-There's a rise. -It's long and steep.

If I break my femur, that'll cost you an arm and a leg, honey!

-Pick up speed and throw him! -What do you mean by "throw him?"

Push hard!

What is this?

What is this?

Don't you worry about that.

I can't do it.

This is going to get messy.

-Very messy. -They can't go up.

Call an ambulance.

This is going really bad.

-Awed, pull him from the front. -Bravo.

He's fallen down again.

-Go in front. -Grab his feet and pull.

-Go. -Pull him!

Bravo!

Bravo!

TASK ACCOMPLISHED

Now he can get up.

Make a bit of an effort, please.

Wait, don't rip my fingers!

I'd like to compliment Cristiano on his aplomb when facing death.

You can't carry the VIP yourself.

-We couldn't even if we wanted, anyway. -That's right.

But why? Why are you taking the wheelbarrow with you?

Maybe it'll come in handy later.

What are you doing?

Go, go!

-You're losing him. -Hurry.

-Come on. -Come on, to the mice's house.

-No! -There are no mice, look.

As soon as he hears "mice," he goes crazy.

-"Starry kisses." -Alessia?

Yes, Gialappi?

Why is Valeria Marini spoiling a medieval wall?

It's a surprise, a secret no one knows!

It's not a surprise if you show her!

Gialappi, she's signing an autograph.

Just as VIPs do, the real VIPs. Because Valeria is our next star.

-She's vandalizing a historical building! -You don't understand.

Tourists will come to see this.

And right after, the art school will have us arrested. Nice idea!

I wanna get back to the red carpet to see how it is going. Quiet.

-Oh, my God. -Them again.

Oh, better and better.

THE HATERS' ROOM

These ants...

-Well, here we are again. -Can I dive into these balls?

No. If you fall, it's a penalty, and we'll lose one more bodyguard.

Guys, the haters have woken up!

Put the red dots in position, or else he won't start.

Watch your manners.

Come on, hurry!

-Protect Cristiano's tuft as well! -Yes, it's considered World Heritage.

-Go, walk on. -Go!

You can do it, come on!

He looks like Dorando Pietri after the Olympics final.

Put your head here.

Okay, wait here.

-Don't get nervous, Cristiano. -Hurry!

It's coming...

-Watch out, foot at risk! Watch out! -Watch out!

Watch out!

No, it's safe. It is.

Stop!

Stop! Who is...

Watch out!

Guys, it looks like porn to me.

What are they doing?

-We got him. -Cristiano. Cristiano!

A foot out!

-A foot out. -It's out.

-Can't we throw him over there? -Sure.

Right. Left.

Where is he putting his foot?

Go! Yes, bravo.

-Go, Carla Fracci! -Go!

Go, go, go!

Come on, you're almost there!

-You go here. -Let's get the heck out of here.

Stop! Stop! Sorry, guys, but one foot was out.

-One foot out? What do you mean? -Both, actually.

It's not your fault, Cristiano. They had to protect you better.

Let's check it out. Let's see.

How did they manage to see it with all these balls?

One foot out, so one more elimination.

We have to eliminate one more Platypus.

Let Cristiano decide.

Let's chase them both away. I'll go on by myself.

-No, Cristiano! -You can't.

He's the best.

-Guys, I have to choose. -Go on.

The person who has to leave the red carpet is...

Pierluca Mariti.

-The only one who busted his ass! -He was useful for us.

You don't have to kiss each other.

-That's Pierluca. -Oh, are you the one who's going?

You don't even know our names?

Pierluca, come to the control room. I'm sorry.

-Honey, he was excellent. -All these balls... I'm coming.

-Almost over. Cristiano, are you there? -Dunno, honey.

Can we check his breathing before going on?

-How are you? -Fine, fine.

He's breathing. Okay.

So far, you've been a bit slow.

-They suck. -The clock is ticking.

-You have to run, okay? -Okay.

Three, two, one...

-You have no shoes, though. -Go! Hurry!

-Go! -Hurry up! Come on!

The target is close.

-Come on, to the limo! -Hurry!

-You're so close, there's the limo. -Oh, my God!

Let's see if they also have...

He's taking a selfie.

Cristiano, tell everyone who's escorted you--

Dang!

THE BIG PIGEON

There's a big obstacle above you. Watch out!

Cristiano!

-Run! -Run!

-Oh, my God. It's pooping. -As all pigeons do.

-Got him. -Got him good.

Great.

How awful... It's all ruined.

The green tuft!

-Cristiano! -Cristiano, you're a national monument,

so what else was a pigeon supposed to do?

Come on, you're nearly there!

-Shall I go through here? -Cristiano, get in! For Christ's sake!

Close the door when he gets in.

Stop!

TARGET REACHED

He's fallen down again!

How is Cristiano? Awed, let me check on him.

-Cristiano? -He's fallen asleep.

-My eye is full of... -Of?

Cristiano, show yourself.

-Put your head out. -How the hell should I do that?

Cristiano, get out of the car for a second.

Not for all the money in the world. Stop! Stop!

Put the train in, or you'll end up like Isadora Duncan.

-The green tuft looks good on you. -How would I know? I can't see it.

Platypuses, including the ones here with me,

Cristiano has reached the target.

With a slight delay of two days.

The team has thinned out.

You reached your target in...

-Thirty-six minutes and seven seconds! -Way to go!

-I thought it took four hours. -I was thinking more like two days.

Cristiano, I hope you will still call my agency

to be escorted in more events by my team of bodyguards,

since I've provided you with excellent service.

Not for all the money in the world! Forget it, my child.

-You've come out of it untouched. -Yes.

I'm just covered in pigeon shit. It's all over the place.

I've been blinded in one eye. I need to see the eye doctor.

-Relax, it brings good luck. -If you say so.

Oh, my. I'm screwed for life.

Get me out of here!

Bye, Cristiano!

-Bye, Cristiano. -Have a good trip.

For now,

the Branzinos here are leading with their 35 minutes and ten seconds.

-High five! -We feel sorry for their defeat.

I'll wait for you here, Awed. Okay?

-I would take a shower first. -Ditto.

One more team has to compete

-to see who will be in the final. -That's true.

-Give me the changing room. -How many days have they been there?

-Is everything okay, guys? -Everything's peachy, Alessia Marcuzzi.

You know your moment is about to come?

-To do what? -Why are you guys here, Gabriele?

-You have a task. -Oh, our task!

Why on earth are you here?

-Let's say, "for the 'task'." -Oh, my God, here we are.

I've decided to give you a very special animal.

-We have to hear their name. -Which is?

From now on, you'll be the Baboons!

-Actually, "Baboons"... -Take it as a compliment.

Look, baboons are smart monkeys.

-They climb... -They are lecturers at University.

Reach your starting point on the red carpet,

because your VIP will be waiting for you there. Okay?

Are we allowed to pee during the competition?

You've been there for two days. Couldn't you have peed already?

-I see, I'll have to pee in my pants. -I've already done it.

-For now, go to the red carpet. -Let's go.

You'll have a great surprise when you see who your VIP is.

Let's move from the changing room to check if the VIP is ready.

Ale?

Hello! Valeria Marini is the next VIP on our red carpet.

Starry kisses.

The perfect outfit for all the tasks she'll have to accomplish.

-See? -You couldn't have made a better choice.

It will be a starry red carpet.

Three, two, one, go!

IN THE NEXT EPISODE

Dang!

Don't hold me!

Oh, my God! Peacocks are a symbol of death.

Is that Melissa Satta?

Go! Fuck!

-Is De Lellis reading? -Is this a sci-fi program?

What kind of bodyguards are you? Go, and open it.

I'm kind of shitting in my pants.

You're more scared than I am.

No!

And the teams for the final are...

RED CARPET SURVIVAL