Original subtitles

-Guys, but most of all... -...gals of Prime Video.

Italy has plenty of beautiful castles.

-Is this one of them? -Sure.

Where are we?

We are in Piadena Drizzona, in the province of Idiopolis.

-Why are we here? -There must be a mistake. No idea.

Will there be some sort of TV host to guide us here?

Someone worth it?

-Gialappi? -Alessiuccia!

Whatever...

Can you explain this frenzy?

-I decided to start an agency of-- -An escort agency?

-Sounds really good! -Great.

Marcuzzi! Marcuzzi!

I decided to start an agency which can save the world.

A bodyguard agency.

-Bodyguards? -Yes.

Is there a theme song

-to help us out here? -Here it is!

RED CARPET SURVIVAL

Are these supposed to be the bodyguards? This bunch of scoundrels?

Damn, the only one missing is Er Canaro.

-Er Canaro must be one of them. -I'll say, the woman.

-Here it is. -Come on!

-Special effects. -They must have spent €6 in total.

These ones are popular.

-Popular in police stations everywhere. -That's what I meant.

Great, Alessia!

They are really good, but I need to test their efficiency.

And so?

I decided to set up a competition on the red carpet.

STARTING POINT

-Meaning? -They'll have to escort

a VIP on the red carpet,

and take them to the limo, which is their target.

TARGET

Only one of the three teams will win the match.

-There is a rule, though. -What is it?

The VIP can't set foot out of the carpet.

Or else, one of the bodyguards will be eliminated.

Let's hope it's a very dangerous path.

Very dangerous!

Great, let's get rid of some of these...

Unforeseen obstacles...

Don't hold me!

Tests of courage...

How dare you?

-Intelligence tests. -That's over, then.

No, no. They'll have to face it all.

But they'll make it. I selected them.

-You know who I am? -Alessia Marcuzzi.

-I'm the boss. -The boss of what?

THE BOSS

Shall we meet them? They're in the changing room.

-Let's hear from them. -Bodyguards?

-Here we are. -Yes.

-Hi! -Hi!

THE THREE COMPETING TEAMS

Top of the line.

Have you followed all the procedures I've taught you?

Yes, sure!

-Like getting dressed. -And getting washed.

Michela, there's a code word I've taught you.

-Who? -What?

-We got each other. We have a code word-- -She doesn't look like she got it.

Yes. The one which gives me the goosebumps.

-Yeah, that's it. -Yes.

Very well. They look focused.

I would like to know if any of you want to switch teams.

-All of you, guys? -Well, what great team spirit!

I don't get Awed. He doesn't speak Italian.

I often speak in a Neapolitan dialect.

When I'm a bit mad, I say, "Let's do this." Can you hear my accent?

-One is from Tuscany, one from Viterbo. -Like now.

-Great lack of communication. -What weird teams.

Let's start with the first group. I'll choose it.

-It's the one on the left. -'Cause you are the boss.

Sure. It's made up of Brenda Lodigiani, Herbert Ballerina, and Antonio Ornano.

Come on, guys!

Brenda doesn't even have the time to get her pills.

Come on, go!

-And I've even given you a name. -What is it?

I decided to bet on their strong point, which is their reasoning.

-Really? -Who? Them?

-Is she talking about us? -Especially about you.

Good way of reasoning...

Is there an animal which is known to be full of phosphorus?

Any fish.

The dolphin.

The killer whale.

Almost.

You'll be the Branzinos!

What?

Alessia, an animal full of phosphorus is not necessarily intelligent.

Branzinos, get ready to reach the red carpet.

Why are you still sitting there? Scoundrels!

Go to the red carpet.

Hurry up. A VIP is waiting for you.

-So is this the first team? -And, unfortunately, there are two more.

-Have you noticed where I am? -Where are you?

This is my control room.

-Control of what? -I follow all their moves.

I feel very confident in this control room.

-Sure. -Well, whatever.

Branzinos, can you hear me? Are you there?

-They can't hear me. They can. Perfect. -Yes, Alessia.

We were just being rude and decided not to answer you.

That's how we like it.

-Anyway, "Branzinos," Alessia. -Nice name.

First of all, do you have a strategy in mind?

-Yes! -Yes.

For example, have you picked a team leader?

-Yes, me! -Sure, me!

Sorry, you can't have two team leaders.

You don't even know your last name. Your name is Herbert Ballerina.

-Take the sunglasses off. -Yes, you look like three morons.

-Your look matters. -Not that without them...

When you meet your VIP, you'll have to look her in the eyes.

Brenda doesn't know where to put her sunglasses.

-I don't... -And she wants to be a leader.

Let's check who the VIP is.

VIP, come out of the tower.

-Where is the tower? -Behind you, fools.

-Oh, okay. -Sorry.

Here's your diva.

-No! -No!

Elettra Lamborghini

THE DIVA TO ESCORT

Here's your diva.

-Brenda is furious. -How marvelous.

-The men are happier. -Yes.

Here we go.

-Ouch! Antonio! -Brenda has been stepped on.

Kudos to you.

-Brenda, nice to meet you. -Sweetie.

-Cutie. -Cutie?

-She's barely acknowledging her. -You rascals.

-You have great eyes. -Sweetie.

Welcome, Elettra.

-Thank you, wherever you are. -I don't remember what I must do.

What do you mean? You have to escort her!

Elettra, they are your bodyguards.

They'll have to escort you on the red carpet to the limo.

She can't set a foot out of the red carpet.

Or else, one of the bodyguards will be eliminated.

Don't touch all their muscles, though.

-She's strong. -Just touch their arms, Elettra.

-Let's have a meeting. Who'll be in front? -Me.

-No, sweetie. -I would put Brenda in front.

-And the others behind, of course. -In the front.

Shall we start the clock, and stop this nonsense?

-Are we ready? -Yes.

You know where you can put your glasses?

Give them to me.

-How much do I pay you for one hour? -Don't you worry.

Branzinos, are we ready?

Who's going first?

-You choose, sweetie. -Why should she?

I'll go.

Red Carpet Survival.

Three, two, one, go!

-Are we running? No way. -Slow down.

What is Brenda doing?

-Why don't you just walk? -But why?

Guys, the clock is ticking.

Hurry up, or you'll get there tomorrow.

-Come on, let's go. -We have to spot the dangers.

Wait!

WATCH OUT

Branzinos, listen. There's an alarm. It's a danger signal.

Watch out, be wary.

Those are the haters.

VIPs' sworn enemies.

They looked more like hygiene enemies to me.

The'll do everything to obstruct your way.

THE HATERS

Don't say anymore.

-Watch out. -Watch out, Branzinos.

There are some green bushes.

That's not the danger.

Come on, what on earth is that?

I want to stay at the back!

You're a bunch of cowards!

-Take my little crown. -I'll go first.

I'll be in front.

-Cling to me. -"Cling to me," Antonio?

-You're married. -Who cares?

What? "Who cares?"

It's just fire, you big chicken!

-Come on, hurry up! -Go, you big chicken!

Look at Brenda.

TASK ACCOMPLISHED

They made it.

Be aware, there is one more obstacle to come.

STEP ON ME

-There are some flowers. -That's not it.

The red carpet is missing a piece.

Class, let's do this. I'll get off the carpet,

-I'll take the stuff, and put it there. -And you never come back!

-Brenda had a great idea. -Brenda gets it.

Slow down.

No, guys, that is too easy.

Sweetie, that's a T-shirt! Put it on and I'll step on you!

-You have to wear it! -You have to be disguised as a red carpet.

-Why should I turn into a carpet? -Then, choose who should.

-Come on, Herbert! -Herbert!

Look at Ballerina. He's turning a blind eye.

-Herbert, go and get dressed. -No, I was just having fun.

I'll count to three and then I'll hit you.

Herbert one, Herbert two... Go.

Don't forget she is wearing stilettos. Just saying that.

Help him.

The clock is ticking. Take your time.

Guys, I'm quite upset.

-Tell me... -Go.

Sweetie, this is my favorite thing!

What is?

-What is your favorite thing? -I don't wanna know.

Get up, damn it!

I'm going to fall over.

Go, Herbert. Go.

Oh, my... Well, what now?

-At least, I'll get tanned. -You're my slaves.

How is it going, Antonio?

-Ouch! -Bloody hell!

-She's stepping on me. -Can you put your foot there?

-Look at your fabulous greyish hair. -No, I'm knackered.

Just a sec, I have to fix something. My private parts are...

-Well, it's too late. -It could lead to pleasure.

No, where is she going? Oh, my. He's risking his life.

-Here it is, perfect. -My crotch!

It's getting interesting.

Great!

-Hi, guys! -Brenda!

Hebert can now become a male soprano.

TASK ACCOMPLISHED

Let me remind you that the clock is ticking.

-Let's go! -Wait, stop.

There is one more obstacle.

THE DOOR

-There's a tree. -There's a door, moron!

-You must open it with a key. -It may be in the vases.

You'll find more than one key, but only one opens the red door.

I can't find anything. Wait.

-Where is he looking for it? -Guys, the three of you don't make one.

Yes, who is it?

Look at those ones.

Watch out.

-Guys, he has the key! -There are the keys.

-What is it? -Brenda, don't hit them!

-Come on! Why? -Why is she hitting them?

What am I looking at? Hold it still.

Got it!

-The VIP is by herself. -Try them!

-Try them! -They're hugging. Why?

There's a riot going on there.

-Move. -That's not it.

Herbert, you try.

-Come here. -Why?

Here it is.

-I got it. That's it. -There are plenty.

-What do you know? -Come on, it worked!

Great.

Wait, you can see my undies!

Elettra, I can see everything from here.

-I wanna dance with them too! -No! No!

-It's no time to dance. -Stop it.

I'll go, then.

-What is she doing? -So violent.

She's dancing with the tyrannosaurs.

Oh, God. It's the best game of my life.

-Come, you're nearly there. -Come on, push them away.

Go away!

Go!

Go, go, go.

Go, hurry.

Why is she yelling?

Elettra, darling, it's difficult enough.

The clock is ticking, but...

-Watch out! -It smells like mold.

No, it's not you, Elettra.

THE WALL

-Careful. There's danger. -She has to climb up there.

Wait, I'll go first. I'll be your private first class.

-Great. -Move that little butt of yours.

-Is it private first class? -Go on.

Very well.

Is Elettra helping Brenda to get through this?

-Shouldn't it be the other way around? -Exactly.

-Elettra! -She's pushing her down.

Antonio!

Antonio's work is hard work.

Wait, I'll be your ladder.

I'll be your ladder, stop!

I should have been there, darn it!

Come on, man!

-Go down. -What is it? Servility?

Come on!

She broke one of his vertebrae.

-Wait. -Ouch.

-Great, you're doing great. -Sort of...

I've seen a lot of her undies.

A foot! One foot is out.

Look out. Let's stop the clock for a minute.

Branzinos, you have to stop. I believe one foot was out of the carpet.

Do we have to eliminate someone?

Bloody hell.

-I don't think so. I saw what happened. -No, liar.

Let's see.

No foul. Let's resume the clock. Come on.

-No foul! Come on! -Stop her.

Hurry up. The clock is ticking.

-Ouch! -Hurry!

The love train.

-Ornano is always behind, anyway. -Weird, huh?

It's not New Year's Eve.

-You're so good. -You shouldn't cling to Elettra.

I didn't even cling to my grandma like that.

Calm down, calm down. Come.

Look at these beautiful hortensias.

Hurry, the clock is ticking. Go on. Run.

Alessia, as you know, we are checking all the teams.

After the third episode, we'll give them penalties or corporal punishments.

-Watch out for your feet. -Careful where you put your feet.

You are so good.

Not only are you gorgeous, but also so incredibly smart.

-Antonio is shameless. -You write fantastic songs.

-Go, run! -Come on!

-Run. -Don't let her fall.

She is a Lamborghini. She has to go fast.

-A peacock! -Slow down.

-Watch out. -The peacock!

THE PEACOCK

But it's not the peacock!

-It's flown away. Come on. -It lives there.

Stop!

-I have to take my shoes off. -Oh, well.

-Take her shoes off. -Elettra, what happened?

-My heels are too high. -What is this?

He is proposing marriage.

-Shall we sell these? -But why?

-To fetishists. -What is she smelling?

-Let me smell them. -Smell them.

You have wonderful feet.

-Antonio... -Look at the heel.

You're married.

She has two salamis. I can't take--

Branzinos, attention. Go.

There is one big obstacle ahead.

THE BRIDGE

Get on the bridge and see what happens.

-Shall we all get on the bridge? -Yes.

-He's afraid of heights. -Me too?

Also who's afraid of heights, everyone?

You are a bunch of assholes.

Oh, my. Guys.

-Try to understand... -Sweetie, you have to jump.

You have to take these pieces of carpet and put them on the bridge.

-I'm scared! -Only you guys can jump.

The VIP can't.

So, Brenda. Do as I taught you. Go!

-What? -I'll go!

-Wait, Brenda. Jump from here. -How do you mean?

-I feel like throwing up. -What?

-It's so bad. -Shut up for a second!

-Shut up for a second. -Or else, you'll go.

-Wait, I can't find the courage. -Okay, I'll throw you down!

-Will he throw her down? -It'll take a second.

Go, come on. The clock is ticking!

-Stay together. You're a group. -Don't throw me down.

-Very good. -She broke an ankle, but okay.

-Go, Ornano. -No, I feel sick.

No, I feel really sick.

-Come on, Antonio. -Go, Antonio!

-I can't. -You'll need it for your life.

-I'll help you from here, guys. -Go, lionheart!

-I swear, I feel sick. -So stop--

-Don't touch me. -The clock is ticking!

Guys, you're so slow! Let's go!

Go, Herbert!

-I'll take two. -So you won't use your hands when falling.

-Take two! -What's going on?

Three, two, one, go!

Come on, Herbert.

Come on! Go!

-Is Ornano throwing up somewhere? -I'm here.

Just because you are afraid of heights. Doesn't seem like a good excuse.

-Fuck, come on! -Don't push me, for crying out loud.

-For heaven's sake! -Don't push me.

She was your princess.

-Bloody he-- -He's scared.

-You can forget anything. -Antonio, it's 5 feet tops.

-Come on, let's do it together. -Don't look down.

-I feel like being-- -Stay still. Slow down!

-The clock is ticking! Come on! -Don't pull me.

-Antonio, calm down. -Give me your hand and move slowly.

Come on!

Stay still. Still!

You've been trained all your life for this, Antonio.

-Bravo! -What a hero!

Great! Yes!

Great! So cool!

Go, go!

-You go! -What are you guys doing?

Dang, just jump!

He didn't get it.

-Go on, Brenda! -Come on, Brenda. You can do it.

-Bravo! -Don't do vulgar gestures!

-It's a piece of cake. It's Math. -Does she have to pass through by herself?

Where is Antonio's piece?

I don't know. He has it.

Come on, you're nearly there.

Come on!

Antonio, come here! Come on!

TASK ACCOMPLISHED

Come, Brenda. Give me your hand.

They have to take baby Ornano to the other side of the bridge.

Can I say I'm proud? Don't push me.

-He's shat in his pants. -He had already won!

Herbert, go fuck yourself.

Go fuck yourself.

You've been the best! You've been so good! I'm so proud!

-It took them eight hours, but... -Help Antonio, please.

-They've abandoned Ornano. -Antonio, are you alive?

-I smell shit. -Go fuck yourself.

Here he is, as bad as a hyena.

Bravo, Antonio! I'm so proud of you, Branzinos.

Great!

Oh, a foot!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

-One foot out! -Let's stop the clock.

-Wait! -Stop!

-Marco, did you see one foot out? -Alessia, I've seen half a foot out.

You fucking referee!

-Let's see. -Is there an elimination?

NO

-No, it's all regular. -It's fine.

Perfect, let's resume the clock. Go.

Go, go, go.

What's going on?

-Alessia? -Yes, Gialappi?

Why is Cristiano Malgioglio in there and dressed as Gloria Gaynor?

It's a secret, Gialappi.

But everyone is seeing him.

He's the second VIP on the red carpet.

Go and get him before he ends up in the crocodiles' pit.

Can you give me the red carpet first?

-Let's go! -Come on, guys. Let's go!

Watch out, Branzinos! Danger alarm!

THE HATERS' ROOM

Guys, I love this.

Be quiet, Elettra.

I want to jump in right now.

They're spitting at me.

-Guys, the haters woke up. -Elettra, go!

There's no chance in hell. I spent four hours at the hairdresser's.

"Four hours at the hairdresser's."

Fuck...

-Come on, you're doing so bad! -Put your foot there.

Protect the VIP.

-I've never seen such a shabby team. -I'm wondering about the other ones.

Guys, I'm in a wonderful place.

Go, go.

Ma'am, you must put your foot there.

-Give me your jacket. -Fuck off.

Elettra, one foot after the other!

Guys, it took you one minute to travel 1.5 feet.

Grab her by her feet.

No, it looks like the Way of the Cross.

Ma'am, be flexible.

Elettra!

-What are you yelling for? -Give me your foot!

My hair!

-He's spraying my balls! -Come on!

-Come on! -You're so slow!

One of my boobs is popping out!

-Hold on, it's almost over. -In 15 minutes you'll get there.

She's not worrying about walking. She is hitting the haters.

You're nearly there!

Make it longer.

TASK ACCOMPLISHED

Come on!

Don't hit the haters now.

-Run, run. -Run, now!

Come on, hurry.

-Let's go! -The limo is close.

That was the last task! Come on, there is the limo!

Time will stop when you get into the limo.

-The limo! -There's a huge danger!

THE BIG PIGEON

Guys, I'd like my heels back.

Wait, the sampietrini.

No!

-Fuck... -No, no, come!

-Why did you stop? -My feet hurt!

What is that?

I hope you get hepatitis!

The pigeon had way too much to eat.

-It has the runs. -Come on, the target is close.

-Go! -Come on!

It's pooping all over the place.

The VIP must get inside the limo.

Shut the door.

Stop the clock.

TARGET REACHED

-Bravo! -That's an overstatement.

After a four-hour shower, you'll be as good as new.

I mean, if you have three idiots as bodyguards...

Elettra, I hope you'll choose my agency again

for your next events.

Sweetie, I smell like shit.

She has no shoes, and she smells like shit, she says.

-You've been great. -So great.

-I won't pay you! -"I won't pay you!" She's quarrelsome.

-Can I keep your shoes? -What an awful agency!

It's time to check how long it took you

to reach your target, okay?

Three hours and twenty minutes.

Great. Two kids did it yesterday and it took them 12 minutes.

-You've reached your target... -How long?

-...in... -In?

Thirty-five minutes and ten seconds!

-Is it good? -Great!

-It took you ages. -How is that good?

-We'll have to give you penalties later. -Yes, time is just a part of it.

Bye, Elettra.

-Bye, Elettra! -Thank you!

-She didn't give me her number. -What number?

-The shoes! -The shoes?

Elettra, you have a problem!

Branzinos, you can come here in the control room.

Come here. You've been great.

Antonio looks 80 right now.

-Thank goodness I've joined the gym. -But you haven't been there once.

Who is going to challenge the Branzinos now?

A moment, let me go to...

-Bodyguards, can you hear me? -Yes, Alessia.

They've no idea what's in store for them.

-Now it's the turn of... -Whose turn is it?

-Ginevra, Awed, and Pierluca! -Here we are. Ready.

-I've chosen an animal for you as well. -Have you?

A noble, powerful, and brave creature.

-What is it? -You'll be the Platypuses.

THE PLATYPUSES

I'll say they are even uglier than a platypus.

Are you happy?

I am very happy.

I didn't think we would've actually done something.

Neither did we.

-I did. I had the feeling. -It's in their contract.

Get ready, and go to the red carpet

to find out who your VIP is.

-Guys, our routine! -Let's go.

Let talk to our VIP. He should be ready.

Here he is!

-How are you? -Cristiano!

Fine, sweetheart.

As you can see, I'm chaste and pure.

He picked randomly from his wardrobe.

Always pure, never chaste. Remember that.

I believe his outfit is perfect for his task ahead.

Here we go.

Three, two, one...

IN THE NEXT EPISODE

Go!

Can I take my clothes off?

Don't rip my fingers!

Don't even think I'm wearing that thing.

-Quick! -What is it?

-The haters! -How dare you?

-Alessia. -Stop. Stop!

Why is Valeria Marini soiling a medieval wall?

-I'm the leader here! -Oh, God! I want to go home!

-What is it? -No!

Cristiano!

RED CARPET SURVIVAL