All language subtitles for Norm Macdonald Live - S03E14 - Norm Macdonald with Guest Jim Carrey

Today's show is sponsored by Upside
Travel and Six Men.

This is a good place for me, right?
Absolutely.

Let's just start here.

Let's just do it this way. Let's just
start here. You can have a chair.

No, why?

Something to do with cameras.

This is perfect.

What? No, believe me, I'm completely
sensitive to the camera. He just got out

art school.

I'm completely sensitive to camera
angles. I know exactly what I'm doing.

Excellent. I know that you're completely
clear in the shot.

Three, two, I don't know how to count,
though.

Our guess is...

I got Jim Carrey who knows cameras.

Yeah, and I just go against the norm,
and yet I love the norm at the

same time. That's sweet.

Everything I do is against the norm.
Have you ever made love to a camera,

literally?

To a camera? Yeah, they said. No, but to
a box of film I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I blew a load into a box of film
one time.

I thought that was Wayne Fleming.

Oh, yes. He did a little of that, didn't
he?

That was through with us, Jim. That's
pretty interesting, isn't it?

You never know what you're going to get.
You never know what you're going to

get. Good to see you. Hey, check this
out. Oh, we need empty cups up here

because I brought you something.

Yeah? I brought you a treat. No way.
Yeah, a treat. What?

Is it a chair?

Is it the load you shot into the box of
film?

What? Yeah.

No. It feels like it might be booze. You
were doing a callback there. Did you

see that? No. You did a callback. I've
never listened to him once.

I love him. I love him.

He's all I listen to. So I got something
called keto coffee here. Have you heard

of keto coffee? I'm guessing it's not a
coffee, but an alcoholic thing. No, no,

no. It's coffee.

It's coffee. I don't do the alcohol
thing. Oh, good. But you got to shake it

first. Shake it up a little bit.

Okay, now what's in this is bulletproof
coffee. You've heard of bulletproof

coffee? Okay, bulletproof coffee and
cacao, which is like this chocolate

Yeah. It's also like the Batman and
Robin make when they hit the Joker and

on the old TV show. The henchmen. That
you don't know.

Yeah, they don't know.

Cacao. Cacao. Cacao.

Cacao. It has an element called tyrosine
in it that is an element of the human

brain responsible for enthusiasm.

So, you're about to get out of your mind
with joy about what you do.

Jesus. Okay. Where can you obtain this?
It's only good if you pour it from this

high. What just happened?

Cacao!

Cacao!

What does that remind you of? It's
beautiful.

Hey, wait, the Trump tape. The Trump
tape.

It's out.

It's out.

Scenes from the Trump tape.

Before I drink my cacao.

You see that? It sticks.

I'm going to forget this.

Jim,

I'm going to forget this. I'm going to
say it right now. Is that cool? And then

we go right to the cacao thing?

What's that?

Because it's something that you said was
really funny.

It reminded me of that. But there was a
big... Whatever it is, it killed the

energy. No, no, no.

You got to kill it to get it back up. I
see. I get it. I get the challenge.

You're like that.

You're like that. He'll take the whole
room to hell.

You went to Saturday Night Live, and we
were telling you a story that you'd

never heard of, that most comedians have
heard of, about Danny Thomas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you'd never heard
of it, which was surprising to all of

us. But then, so I'm not going to say
what it is.

Danny Thomas' hobbies?

Danny Thomas had some predilections when
it came to laying down with the ladies.

He liked glass tables, apparently.

Apparently. So Jim had not known this
until we told him the story. And he

instantly, I thought it was such fast
pace. Thank you, sir.

He said, that's the kind of guilt.

That will make you build hospitals.

There can be no glass tables in this
hospital.

I do not want to be reminded.

You know who was good in the hospital?

You remember Jimmy?

You're too young to remember Jimmy
Seville. He was also... Cheers, man.

Cheers.

MCT oil in this, which carries blood
past the, sorry, blood and oxygen past

blood -brain barrier, so you won't get
Alzheimer's.

Joe Rogan didn't give you this, by any
chance.

No, he didn't. Seems like a Rob
Schneider. We just fight when we see

Oh, that's good.

Holy cow, that's amazing.

Where can you get this?

Anybody care to share this with us?

You want to try it? Yeah, try some of
this. It's pretty awesome. You want to

it? It's pretty amazing.

This is the other side of the cup, just
in case you've heard rumors.

It's pretty crazy good.

All right. God damn it.

Wasn't that? Yes, cacao. Is that fucked
up? Yes. That was that place that was

right near your place. Holy cacao.

That's a place that was right near your
apartment, Lojo. They had that

bulletproof coffee. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, that's Pluck. Plus it has ghee,
which is purified butter, and

Himalayan salt and stevia. So it is the
greatest drink that you can put in your

body. What's ghee?

Throw some booze in it and fuck it up,
why don't you? Stevia through stevia in

the end didn't sound good at all. No,
but it's good, right? And also aspirin.

Red dye number three. And it's got from
the plant of a...

Soylent Green. So I just want to say
that I think this is the greatest show

television. Oh, listen to Jim.

He's amazing.

Honestly, because we don't need frills
any longer, right? No, I don't think we

need it. Fuck the frills.

Right? Let's just get to the point.
Yeah, yeah. It's just people making

That is a lot. That's all it is. It's a
nightlight, you know? It's something

like they entertain you, and at the same
time, like, I can sit and, first of

all, you are the man.

You are my comedy choice.

Whenever I'm looking for something on
YouTube or whatever it is, Norm's always

my first comedy choice.

Goddamn, that's nice.

Yeah, and I sit there.

But you can suck up a little bit of it.

I'd sit there naked, just going like,
why is this such a big deal?

What's the big deal about this?

And I tuned into the order because
you're it, man.

Oh, man.

It's you and me, alone.

Yeah. Whenever I'm alone with you, you
make me feel like I'm young again.

Here's two things we have in common.
One, that we're Canadian. Two, I'd never

met anybody whose my father, the same
name as your father, is a weird name.

Percy is your dad? Yeah.

I don't remember that. I'd never heard
anyone else's name Percy. Remember when

you came and visited the set of Man on
the Moon? Oh, sure, yeah, yeah. I was

also in the film.

That's how I like to put it.

Oh, but I was in there, so I would know.

Michael Richards, right? You played
Michael Richards.

I played Michael Richards, and he was in
it. He was in the scene. I wasn't in

the film.

When you came in at lunch with Andy, who
was dressed up as the psycho mom. Yes.

Right. That was fucking great. I got to
hear this. He walked onto the scene. You

go ahead.

Well, I'll start it. I like to listen to
your voice. But you can finish it. We

were with the late, great Wade Flanagan
that we talked about earlier.

Bob Zamuda, Mr.

Carey, and myself up on, what's the name
of the? Universal Studios. Universal.

And so, first of all, we're up in the
cycle.

Oh, yeah.

And Jim is.

As you'd expect, dressed up as Norman
Bates' mother.

Well, I was Andy Kaufman dressed as
Norman Bates' mother.

He doesn't understand me. I understand
very little.

Stay on the surface.

Just agree with everything.

Yeah, stay focused there. So, you know,
those people come along to see. On the

tram. Hopefully they'll see a famous
person. Right. And maybe they'll even

Jim Carrey. Or Wayne Fleming. But.

You don't have to add. No, let's add
that.

We're doing fine.

So Jim, they expect, well, what if we
saw Jim Carrey? They're probably

on this. The biggest star in the world
on this. Yeah. But they don't see Jim

Carrey. They see Norman Bates' mother.

Chasing them with a giant knife.

That's right. No, I had an axe that day.
An axe? You were the first one I

attacked. You were the first one.

He came up to the psycho house, actually
walked up. He said, what, are you doing

some funny stuff?

And he walked up the stairs, and I came
at him out of the dark in the psycho

house with an axe.

You were pretty terrified. You were real
terrified, actually.

You had no defenses whatsoever.

No, man. If that had been real, you were
dead.

I felt like a fucking Martin Balsam with
a camera. Totally. I was

just fucking freaking. But then you went
after the tram. Yeah, the tram. I

climbed up on the back of the tram and
started wheeling the axe over people's

heads.

I think.

part of the tour to this day, they talk
about that.

And I want to say one other thing, since
it was brought up at the time, and I

thought a little tiny bit of it, but Jim
and Bob Sabuda both told me the

greatest practical joke of all time that
they hope to make into a documentary,

and we're having trouble with a certain
mansion.

But you know the story I'm talking
about.

You know, you were having trouble with
the mansion where that old man... Oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, but he was
cool, though. Once I told him the

You know who we're talking about? I have
no idea. Well, you know... Think of a

mansion with an old man and a whole
bunch of beautiful young girls.

The Munsters?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Hepner.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's gone for the joke. He was
masturbating to Aurora Monster Model.

Growing up. I liked the Vampirella, too.

Vampirella had me. Vampirella was hot.
She had me. Yeah, so don't blow this

story. Got it, got it, got it. Yeah.

And, no, no, no. I was invited during
the making of Man on the Moon to the

Playboy Mansion.

Half invited me up there for the
Midsummer Night's Dream party.

And I wasn't. I like how all his words
are so innocent.

People are fucking each other. Totally.

Exactly. Yeah.

That's right. As you like it.

That's a star rating.

You're probably sure.

Yeah, and I wasn't on the planet at the
time. I was being Andy Kaufman and Tony

Clifton. So they said, well, Jim isn't
here right now. Can Tony come up? Can he

come up as Tony and play?

And so Haft was like, great. Oh, shit.

You know, they just said, just don't
tell anybody. Don't tell anybody it's

Carrey. Well, about an hour later, we
heard, like, you know, there were

out there that Jim Carrey was going to
come to the mansion and stuff. So Andy

got pissed.

and sent Tony, but the real Tony, like
Tony Clifton, who is the second Tony

Clifton, is Bob's Muda, who's Andy's
writer. And he got into the old stuff

again, and he showed up at the mansion,
and Hef came out and did like 15 minutes

with him. So if I can just briefly, just
in case we've lost anybody, you

understand that he was invited, Andy
Kaufman.

Jim Carrey as Andy Godwin was invited to
go to the Playboy Mansion.

Bob Zamuda ends up going to the Playboy
Mansion pretending to be Jim Carrey as

Tony Cliff. So everyone's just fawning
all over him and Playboy girls

posing with him and they're like, hey,
they're all twins and they have no

brain.

Every time he'd introduce you, you'd go,
hey, James Caan, this is Tony Clifford.

It's Jim Carrey.

Yeah, I remember Andy Dick got insanely
jealous because he was like, how could

he be a foot shorter?

How could he be a foot shorter than he
normally is?

Nobody can act like that.

And so I stayed down at In -N -Out
Burger, and I was eating burgers and

and stuff like that and milkshakes and
keeping in contact with them. And I

showed up two hours later in my pajamas
and walked in the door. And Hef was

standing there with Jim Carrey slash
Tony Clifton, he thought, and turned and

looked at me, and his face just went
ashen. And he completely freaked out.

there was instant chaos. And Tony was
jacked up against a tree.

And he pulled out the lavalier and said,
like, he's wearing a warrior!

It's funny to hear the story with Zamuda
and Jim saying both their parts,

because Zamuda's out in the alley
getting a shit kick out of him.

I was saying, you know, hey, don't rub
him up too much. You know, I mean, this

happens to me all the time.

And then all night long, literally for
hours, you know, Hef was, like, coming

around and saying, like, geez, I don't
know how that happened.

The security at this place was like the
fucking White House.

And I said, Jesus Christ, I don't know.
I mean, they must be, you know,

incredible pranksters.

I mean, they got through my defenses
completely.

Well, my favorite part of that whole
book was the Mr. X stuff. The Norman

stuff was always my favorite.

Oh, Wexler is amazing. I can only
imagine what that must have been like.

stories of Wexler are incredible.

Did you hear any, like, cool stories
from Bob? I did. I can't remember them

enough. But, you know, Bob told me a lot
about Wexler, who was the writer.

writer of Saturday Night Fever and
Serpico and movies like that. And he

the... fucking most insane guerrilla
theater asshole that ever walked the

He just used his money. It's like the
Magic Christian, that movie with Ringo

Starr and Peter Sellers. He just goes
around to mess with people's heads.

And Muda and Andy were like that.

Muda and Andy used to go to movie
theaters in New York, and they'd go to

films, and they'd sit in the balcony.

And during the moment where the slasher
was coming after the pretty girl and she

would trip,

There'd be that moment of like, oh, of
stoppage in the crowd. And during that

silence, they would yell out, cut her
titties off.

Like that.

People would just go, what the fuck?

Who are we watching a movie with?

Cut her titties off.

Cut her titties off.

I wish you could see these faces.

I wish this wasn't a podcast.

You sound like Donald Trump.

Donald Trump? Yeah, show them the
audience.

Donald Trump.

I've got to say, he's a big
disappointment.

I don't know.

I was really pulling for him.

But he's a bit of a disappointment, I've
got to say, at this point.

At this point, I'm starting to wonder.

Two minutes? What the fuck?

That's not enough for us. That means
it's meaningless to everyone.

It's funny when you did stand -up and
they'd do some fucking thing.

Yeah, oh yeah.

No, I had a couple of two -hour nights.

One night in a comedy store I had a two
-hour night and then I got up at the end

after they had finally gotten rid of me
to giant cheers and I jumped up behind

the piano and started singing I Hate You
All, You Gave Me Cancer.

And I tracked the cancer from the first
growth of the first cell at the

beginning of my act.

And the inevitable death that I will
suffer.

And I did suffer death. What can we do
in two minutes?

Oh, with Jim.

We can

invent a new form of travel.

It's working.

We can do this.

Would you do that on... Wait.

Hold on.

Would you do this on the Mary Tyler
Moore show?

It's the Romnan show.

It's the Romnan show.

Oh, cool. Oh, you broke it. Excellent.

Oh, man.

I'm so sorry, man. No, no.

What are these made of? Oh, they're made
of... You know that.

Indestructible alloy.

You're Canadian. You know, this is an
incredible thing. I read the curling,

which we get excited about every four
years.

Phenomenal. That is not a renewable...
Do you know what those are made of?

The curling stones? I don't really know.

I thought it was taking them for
granted.

Hey, we'll be back with more in a
moment.

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Back with the inimitable Jim Carrey,
imitator, inimitable, but

apparently, I don't know what happened.

I've developed quite a habit with the
cell phone.

Oh, I see. I like to sandbag my arm
every once in a while to keep myself.

So it's like if you do too much.

Yeah, yeah. It keeps me from using the
cell.

Oh, it keeps you from using it. I see. I
see what you mean. Otherwise, he's just

ignoring you right now. Yeah. But can
you use your other finger to text? No.

Oh, okay.

No. I got to pick my nose with that one.

Oh, hey, Jim, before, because we could,
you know, have fun. Did you know that

the zombie apocalypse has occurred?

No. This is what people are mistaken
about. There's all people talking about

zombie apocalypse.

Yeah. You're the fucking zombies.

Oh, just cell phone zombies.

This is the fucking zombie apocalypse,

man. Wait, are you?

I am, too. I'm one of the fucking
zombies, man.

Well, if everyone's a zombie, there's no
zombie apocalypse.

If everybody's a zombie, it's all cool.

I guess.

You just market into zombies.

Yeah.

Now, listen.

Good evening. Welcome to the All Zombie
Network.

Check this, Jim.

Executive producer.

This is one person.

One person on this blue card has all
these things that he's presently.

Horshy. Okay.

Horshy. Well, you can't say anymore.

Horshy. It's not right to say anymore.
They.

They. It.

It.

Executive producer of Showtime's I'm
Dying Up There received the generational

award in 2017 just for the last comedy
festival in Montreal in July. A

documentary. Jim and Andy.

The Great Beyond, the story of Jim
Carrey and Andy Kaufman featuring a very

special, attractively obligated mention
of Tony Clifton, which has been accepted

by the Venice and Toronto Film Festival.
The mini -documentary that we were

talking about earlier, I Need a Color,
on Jim and his love of painting and

sculpting. And he has an upcoming art
show in Las Vegas at the end of

Perhaps I was misinformed.

But if I'm not, then you're a very
popular painter because what I heard is

in the same room as the paintings.

Sets you back $10 ,000.

Oh, I guess. I don't really organize
that.

type of thing.

That's good, though. That's not my
doing. No, no. When they did it, I went,

okay. But we were talking about... Yeah,
$10 ,000. We were talking about... It's

a good start.

It's a good start. We were talking about
Red Skeleton, who... Caesar's had a big

collection of his paintings, which were
all clowns. A fucking hack. How much did

he get in there? A fucking hack. How
much did he get into where?

Into the Red Skeleton exhibit.

Nothing. He would give you a shabby old
hat from his chest.

Do you know that he bought everything he
ever did and destroyed it?

What?

No. He bought the rights to everything
he ever did. You never see a Red Skelton

movie. No, you don't. You never see a
Red Skelton kinescope.

You don't see anything.

He just erased himself.

Right. Why?

Do you have any idea why?

He's like, yeah, the Invisible Man. He's
gone.

He went away.

Do you know why? I don't know why.

Could be self -hatred. Let's figure it
out. He didn't know that he could do

without leaving.

Well, he knew he was going to leave.

Well, he knew he was going to leave, but
he didn't know that he could actually

erase himself without erasing his work.

Like I'm erasing myself.

I'm not even fucking here right now.

I don't exist. But you're saying he
lived in a time. I don't exist. I have

needs. I don't need you people.

None of it.

Nothing. I don't need approval from
anybody.

Right. I need three squares a day. Yeah.

Just to keep this thing alive, but
there's no me involved. Because I

river of tears.

You don't have the typical ego of the
performer.

I don't have an ego at all. And you
don't need anything. All you've needed

far is a little bit of trail mix. I need
a hooker on there and a limo on there.

All I need is water.

Whoa!

What a catch, Ella. And to drink in an
interesting way.

Did you see that catch before?

Catch water like that. It's a metaphor.

Catching water. Yeah, that's impressive.

God damn, that sounds like a Joaquin
Phoenix movie. Yeah.

It's almost impossible.

You know what my next trick is? What's
that?

Strangling the ocean.

As a bookend. It's never been done. As a
bookend to drinking the water. And I

will do it eventually.

Strangle the ocean?

Strangle the ocean.

That's right. I think poetic.

Yeah. Yeah, it is. It feels poetic.

The Copperfield is out there going, hmm.

You know what movie I love? God damn, I
love. He's joking, but I'm not. I love

Burt Wonderstone. I love that movie. Oh,
thanks.

I was like, first of all, I thought this
can't, you know, I'm always wrong, but

I said this can't fail.

Were you in that? No.

That's why I thought it couldn't fail.

You got the old timey.

Magician that you root for, you know,
the old corny guy? Against you, the

Chris Angelo or whatever the guy is.

No,

it's not Chris Angelo.

That's not the really cool guy. Who's
the guy that... Fred Gistandensen?

But you're probably one of the new guys.

At one point, I believe you shoot a...
That's your job.

Make a sound.

He will, he will.

I believe at one point you shoot a
staple gun into your head. Yeah, I drill

myself in there.

That's right.

Oh, is that like Amazing Jonathan?

I think he used to do something like
that. No, he plays a real magician, like

super magician, one of these guys who
hang out at night. Rock and roll, almost

Jesus magician.

Yeah, yeah. You're thinking of Chris
Angel, yeah. Well, I'm not thinking of

Jonathan Katz.

No, I said Harry Anderson.

I like on Harry Anderson on the cheers,
you know, you always do some trick at

the beginning.

You got to put your dime under here. And
I said, and you say, and you never get

it. And the guy goes like this and he
takes the dime.

And I always figure in real life, people
go, give me my fucking dime back.

With my fucking watch.

It's not going to be like, God damn, I'm
150 ,000 and fucking, how am I going to

pay this guy?

Every time I go to the bar, I double or
nothing. I go for it. I'm like, how

could this guy take my watch when it's
underneath the beer?

Maybe they were still focused on the
razzing they just got from Carla.

I don't even know what that means.

I don't even know what that means. Did I
lose track of the story?

Is it me?

My tendency is to doubt myself first.

But I don't think so in this case. You
know this man runs the world -famous

comedy store.

I did not know that.

I've seen you around there, but I didn't
know you were in charge of the whole

thing. I just book it. So you've been
very excited about the project you're

working on.

I feel so incredibly lucky to be the one
bringing that.

you know, kind of place and time to
people's attention.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I find it fascinating.

But anyways, oh, you know what we were
going to talk about? What?

Because you were saying, you know, life,
about life. But life brings you

unexpected shit. There's no life. Look
at your career.

Uh -huh.

I have a career.

Your career is... There's a career, but
there's no me. If you take me out of

that, then fine.

I'm sorry.

Just the career.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So there's a career.

The career begins with a young man who
is an impersonator. Yeah. And I believe

probably all comics at some level start
out as impersonators. Bad behavior.

Impersonating bad behavior. And they
watch funny people and try to be like

Sure, that's impersonating. That was the
first phase is impersonate anything

that made it to where you wanted to make
it. Right. Right, exactly.

And Rich Middle was the first. Rich
Middle. And Canadian.

human slash doorway that you looked at
as an apparent Canadian.

And you went, oh, that's the way to do
it. So you just imitated that. So you're

imitating an imitator.

And oftentimes with your brothers, you'd
be doing...

So how far away from authentic was I?

It's crazy.

It's like two tiers back from authentic.

So you'd be doing a person you'd never
seen in a movie, like Jimmy Cage. Yeah,

exactly.

I'm doing Louis Prima. Who the fuck is
Louis Prima? I don't know Louis Prima.

That's pretty good, Louis Prima. Not
bad.

What's that?

Louis Prima?

Just as you can know, everywhere I go.

Did Louis Prima do that? Yeah, he does
that.

Oh, so then. So much information.

No, we were talking about, we weren't
talking about Jim, we were talking about

the career.

So then the career, you're in Canada,
you're set up to be a big

impersonator. The world's greatest
impersonator.

But you're also funny.

Now say what you want about Rich Little.

Guy's not funny.

In between those, God damn. Not really,
yeah. He didn't take the leap into the

river of death. No, I have seen
impressionists do this, Jim.

Jim. Fucking keep that shit over there.

Jim, I have seen impressionists do this.

Fucking dog.

I'm going to kick that ass. My fucking
dog is dead if it fucking gets over

I swear to God. I know it's not proper
to say that kind of shit. It's a cute

little dog to most people. To me, that
fucking dog is football.

I have seen impressionists do this.

They'll either only do impressions and
in between completely commit to being a

Vegas impressionist. A guy who presents.
That's what killed me. I went to Vegas.

You didn't want that.

I went to Vegas. I saw Fred Trevelina. I
saw Rich Little and Bob Anderson. And

they were all phenomenal impressionists.
And I sat back and I think... Who was

the third guy?

Bob Anderson, who used to do the
ultimate Tony Bennett impression.

Oh, wow.

Phenomenal, phenomenal impressionist.

And I... First of all, it was... 200
fucking degrees outside.

I went, this is where I want to go?

You're talking about Vegas? Yeah. It was
July. I got off the bus. I was like,

ah, desert isn't bad. I'm on the bus.
I'm on a Greyhound.

I'm like, ah, desert isn't bad. There's
air conditioning.

I didn't even think about it. I walked
off the bus and it was just like...

It was just completely this fucking heat
barrier. Adam Higgins, do you think you

could do that? No. Try it, though, for
the folks.

For the folks at home.

Come on. Come on.

Do it.

Do it. Okay, you're getting off the
ground.

You're having a wonderful time. Yeah,
this is cool.

It's so cool. I'm talking to that guy.
This is kind of smelly. But you're just

about to... All right, I'm going to get
off the ground.

There's the hair.

Okay.

answers the question, will Jim Carrey be
directing anytime soon?

I'm curious.

And the judges say, nada.

I'm curious how you got... But wait, I
want to continue my line of questions.

Because I do find other comedians will,
in the absence of a comedic character

between their impressions, sometimes
fall into a voice that...

I'm sure I had that impression. Right.
But you never had that.

It's true. I never did.

Even though you were an incredible stand
-up, but also a stand -up. I could

leave all that behind if I wanted to.

And probably the greatest impressions
ever were just the facial.

I've never seen one that can just do
that.

The Bruce Dern.

Nobody better than Bruce Dern in the
Cowboys. One of the best movies ever.

I broke my arm twice. I broke my leg
three times. And on the worst day, I

beat the hell out of you.

Oh, yeah, you think so?

Yeah, I think so. I ran two marathons in
a row. Well, I believe. Without even

stopping. I went from city to city.

And still nobody likes me.

We've seen how you do when they come to
the little ones. I believe right now

I'll walk away.

Yeah, you walk away. I'll walk away.
Turn around, you son of a bitch. I won't

turn around, you dirty son of a bitch.

I feel I should have turned around.

I'll shoot you in the back.

Can I rethink this?

I don't know what I'm doing. Wasn't that
rough, though? And then cut to a grave,

they're burying him, and you're like,
John Wayne's not in the movie anymore?

Roscoe Lee Brown's the star of this
film? I fucking loved it. I said, bury

cocksucker. Oh, you did?

I did. I said, fucking that bloated,
fucking Republican asshole.

Bury him.

I bring this up because you just passed,
but you did such an incredible, and

I've never seen it anywhere else.

impression of Don Rickles. I'll wait.
Oh, Don Rickles?

I never did that. And it was basically
on the word anyway.

You would go, Adam Higgins over here
going, anyway.

Anyway.

Anyway. I do people's essence.

Yeah. Don Rickles.

That's it. You don't need words. It's
like the handle.

It's like you feel like you've been
there. The handle. Isn't that like what

Downey was talking about? The handle.

The handle?

I don't fucking know. He's talking about
something. You know what?

There's something salvageable here.

It's not too late.

It's not too late for you guys.

Oh, no. We want to talk about dying up
here because you've got to be excited

about it. First of all, the acting is...
Did you direct it, by the way? I did

not direct it. I did not produce it. But
you were there. And I'm the

spewmeister. I go in there and go...
There's my life.

Can you make something out of that?

Three of my greatest friends. I was so
thrilled when I saw you guys cast

Santino, Griffin, and Madrigal. Those
were three of my favorite people.

You got all three of those guys?

Well, they came in, and isn't that
funny?

Literally, a lot of the casting happened
in one night. I hadn't been to the

Comedy Store in 14 years, and I'd driven
by it a jillion times.

You had not been to the Comedy Store. I
had not been for 14 years. What explains

that? I have no loyalty.

I just go, I'm this now.

Jamie Masada offered $5 more.

That's right. You can't. That's where I
had to be. That's where I had to be.

No, and it was like one of the greatest
nights ever of my life. Everyone was

thrilled. It was funny because.

Back in the old days, there was those
nights when Pryor came in and stuff like

that, and you'd be like, I'm 19 years
old, and I'm standing in the parking lot

with Pryor, and all of that stuff was
happening. Everybody's surrounding him

asking him questions and stuff. And then
I became that guy, not comparing myself

to Pryor, but that guy for the young
comics. And it was just kind of standing

the middle of the parking lot going,
wow, what a life.

What a life this is. Is this where you
want to come back? And we got all the

guys literally in the night. That was so
cool. They just slaughtered me. I was

literally slaughtered. Really? And Dom
Herrera. I loved that. Dom unhooked is

one of the funniest things that can ever
happen to you.

He's like Rickles.

He's beyond.

He's beyond.

Because when he gets.

fed up and unhappy to be there.

It's going to be so fun. How many takes,
though?

Were you on set for any of his scenes by
any chance? I heard there were quite a

few takes for him to get one right.
Yeah, but who cares? I love him so much.

doesn't matter.

He doesn't exist anyway.

You do movies where there's one take?

No. What are you, Frank Sinatra?

That's called I got better shit to do.

Exactly. I heard this was how decadent
the Rat Pack became at the end. I was

reading Dino, that Tosh book. I'm sure
you read about Dino. No, I didn't. But

anyways, they became so... I didn't read
it. It was very complimentary.

Of me?

No. Oh, the Rat Pack.

When they did the movie, this is what I
find problematic.

You do a book, and Dean Martin's in it,
Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., and Joey

Bishop.

Uncastable. How do you cast it? How do
you find a guy for Joey Bishop? Yeah,

Joey Bishop you got. But then you're not
watching. Michael Cera. There you go.

Joey Bishop. Yeah, there's Michael.

Shout out.

Come on, man. You're a hero of him.

Yeah.

He would be a fantastic Joey Bishop. But
then you're watching the show, and I

go, hey, there's Dean Martin, one of my
favorite guys. Oh, no, it's Joe

Mantegna. And then you go, I wonder why
all these ladies are going so crazy for

Joe Montana.

And then you think the ladies go crazy
for him. That's not until Ray Liotta

walks in.

And then Ray Liotta shows up.

Sinatra! No.

Sinatra, yeah.

No, he's not Sinatra. Sorry, that's
terrible. That's cruel.

He's an amazing actor. What's up there?

Greatest voiceover ever in history, by
the way, right? The Fellows?

Oh, that's so cool.

Isn't that amazing? Voiceover? Un
-freaking -believable. I want to go

back, and then we'll end the impressions
completely.

But I didn't know you until you had
already made it in the States, and we'd

heard of you and everything, and you
came back once in a while.

to Canada, and you had changed.

I mean, the first time I met you, I go,
oh, my God, this guy's very comedy

savvy. He has a very high comedy IQ.

And Kinnison was around, you know, and
Mike McDonald. And people were talking,

and it was like, whoa, wait a minute.
This guy's not an impressionist. This

guy's like a comedian comedian.

Yeah, it was a tough transition.

And for people that don't know it, you
know, impressionists are not looked on

highly generally in comedy clubs. They
have a tough time. And they're not

encouraged to drop the impressions and
become their own person. Yes. At all.

of course not. In fact, I remember one
time I was in Vegas.

You pay for Danny Gans, you're paying
for James Cagney. That's right, exactly.

Yeah, so I was in Las Vegas one time. I
was at the Dune show at the Comedy

Store.

And it wasn't going over so well.

I saw you at the comedy store. There
used to be a comedy store. I was robbed

there, by the way. I was robbed there.
By a bandit?

Hilarious. By a female bandit, I think.

I bet it was a one -armed bandit.

Could have been.

Could have been.

On this episode, anyway.

And, yeah, no, I was playing the Dunes
in Vegas, and I was listening to

motivational tapes at the time. And that
was like a big thing back then is like

these motivational cassettes in my
Walkman. And so I was laying on the bed

underwear, and I'm listening to.

You are a winner.

And everything comes easily to you.

And eagles and stuff. I'm totally peaced
out. And I fell asleep that way in my

briefs. And I woke up to something
rustling over to the side of me. And I

what I thought at first in a stupor. I
woke up and I thought I saw a cat on the

table or something. There was something
furry on the table. But it wasn't on the

table.

perception was off because i was
sleeping and it suddenly it was right in

of me it was one of those like that and
it was a woman squatting on the floor

beside my bed going through my wallet oh
she's squatting on the floor right next

to me oh my god through my wallet

like this and i leapt out of bed through
my sony walkman you said i hope i

didn't marry her and i grabbed her and
she was

and she immediately said i thought you
were frank

He sent me out for Frank.

That's their alibi, right?

It's like, no, it's like Frank.

Frank called me up, you know, and I'm a
hooker and whatever.

And I didn't know who else was there. So
I just kind of pushed her to the door

and pushed her out into the hall, which
was open.

And apparently there was a guy waiting
at the elevator. Her enforcer or

was waiting at the elevator with the
door open.

And they took me down to the mugshot
office, and I found her in the mugshot.

They said, oh, yeah, she works all the
hotels. It's like, you know, did you put

your deadbolt on? And I said, I probably
didn't. I was listening to motivational

tapes and dreaming about being super
successful.

And with my wallet splayed out on the
nightstand beside me.

Did you play out Irene?

Yeah. I didn't put the lock on, and they
just take the. Do not disturb sign and

go, pleek. And they switch it. Yeah. And
then maybe she just sees disturb.

Yeah,

disturb. Right, exactly.

Disturb this guy.

She did disturb me.

Anyway, that was a fantastic story.

Now I can't do it on TV.

Oh, we are on TV.

So when did you decide, fuck it, I ain't
doing no commercials. I'm going to do

no impressions for a while.

Or did you?

Yeah, there was a moment in Vegas, that
moment in Vegas when I saw the

Impressionists and I said, this is
Valhalla for an Impressionist. This is

you go. This is what the end game is.
And I went, this can't be. There is a

Canadian performer right now, André
-Philippe Gagnon. He's amazing.

He's amazing. Incredible.

But it's not what I wanted, so I quit.
It's not funny.

No.

I think impressions are great when
they're funny. I think you're funny. I

Dana Carvey's incredibly funny. I think
guys who do funny impressions. I saw

Rich Little do Cary Grant for Cary
Grant. And everybody at Cary Grant's

went, he's got you down.

Like that. And that was the end for me.
That was the end for me.

I was like, that was it. No, no, no.

You do me better than I do.

Yeah, or they hate you.

I've had people do impressions of me and
they say the greatest form of imitate,

whatever the fuck that is.

This is what I get. Hey, how do you? I
go, hey.

I'm not retarded. They go, yeah, it's
you.

And they turn around before it. It's
really scary.

You're like me, incoherent and drunk.
You should see the guy in the Legends

show, though.

I remember her name. I'm doing John
Wayne Gacy in the Legends show. You are?

That'd be good.

Now, will you be in the cloud makeup?

Yeah, it's interchangeable. Anybody can
play it, really.

With the cloud makeup? Yeah, of course.

So what do you do? I sing all the
children's songs. You just have the

makeup? And you have a crawl space you
bring with you?

I don't know.

I haven't seen the show.

Every space is a crawl space for me.
That's true.

If you want to make it that way, that's
a very good point.

That wasn't the worst part of it. Yes.

The wrestling wasn't the problem.

There was no other way to lure people
into his house.

To wrestle? Yeah, he challenged them to
a wrestling match. I don't want to get

into this. All right, that's fine.

Well, let's say we had to take a break
like an hour ago. How did we get on

I mean, do you want to... How did we get
on this? Do you know whose birthday

this is, by the way?

Albert Fish.

Oh, I think I've heard of him. Yeah,
totally.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy.

For a little time in my life, I was a
little obsessed with serial killers. Oh,

were you talking to me? Yeah.

And there was this guy, Albert Fish, and
he was a man in the...

early part of the previous century that
was, I think, credited to be one of the

biggest, certainly one of the first
serial killers. Oh, right.

And he was in New York City, and they
called him the Gray Man, or the Werewolf

of Wisteria. They called him the Gray
Man because one time they saw him, and

police asked the woman, how would you
describe him? And the woman said, he was

gray, both in appearance and demeanor.

And then the cop said, a little less
poetic.

Wow, that's crazy, man.

So they finally find him. And then he
writes taunting letters. He was a

cannibal. Was he the first taunter?

First one. Was he the first taunter?
Yeah, he taunted.

Oh, yeah. He said taunting letters.
Yeah. And not only the first taunting

letters, but the first badly spelled
taunting letters. Oh, really? Okay.

And you get them and you go.

Was he a tantric taunter?

Did he taunt, like, all day long?

Or did he just taunt from time to time?

Did he make the taunts last a long time?

And save the killing for maybe once a
month? You've never had experience with

anything tantric, have you? Of course.
I'm completely into tantra. Well, I ask

because you're so physically gifted.
Stop interrupting me!

Do you know about alchemical, sexual
alchemy?

Sexual alchemy? Yeah. I know alchemy.
Talking about Tantra. I made a lot of

money on alchemy in the early 70s.

Do you know that the story of Jesus, how
it's been altered in certain ways? I

mean, yes, there was a guy. Yes, there
was teachings, all that stuff.

There wasn't only just a guy.

No, no. Well, okay.

Let's not reduce it. Well, he's not even
that, actually.

No, great consciousness is something
that, yeah, he was aware of. And so, you

know, but the parallel between that and
alchemical sex is that... I'm sorry,

alchemical sex?

That's right.

Chemical.

Alchemy. Sexual alchemy.

There's 33 vertebrates in your spine.
There's 33 years in the life of Jesus.

So far it sounds like a coincidence.

Okay, it could be a coincidence.

But there is a substance or liquid or...

you know, a substance that comes from
your medulla, which is basically,

completely looks like the Ark of the
Covenant, has angel's wings around it,

whole thing. Your medulla is shaped like
that. Now, is this what Michael Jackson

used to call Jesus juice?

Yeah. No, no.

Not the same.

Not the thing. It won't get the kids
into the bedroom. Oh, it doesn't get the

kids. No.

What good is it?

So this substance comes from your
medulla, makes the trip down your spine

your sacrum, which is the... Quick, get
a dictionary.

Christ coming down into human form. Yes.
And if you don't squander that essence,

that sexual essence, it ascends again
and goes back up to heaven.

which is your thing. It's also the story
of Santa Claus. Why he comes down the

chimney is because this juice or this
whatever substance actually passes

called the claustrum, which is where
they got Santa Claus.

So it goes down the chimney and back up
the chimney.

It's all very freaky shit.

So you believe without a doubt if Jesus
had existed in the form

that he was a sexual being?

No, I didn't say that.

I think he probably saved it, you know,
so that he could be clear, so that he

could be sharp.

Like Ali or... Or just like a fighter,
just like tantric sex. Tantric sex is

about that. It's about being your
sharpest and most violent. I have never

in it, but I'll tell you this. I used to
sprint when I was young. Maybe you can

tell me if I'm anywhere close.

I used to run the track 800 meter.

Full speed, right?

At the end, I would go to the water. I
heard you were a mass kicker, too.

I heard you were a rough character.

I did.

I heard stories.

I heard stories about Norm where a drunk
guy comes up to him at the bar and

goes, Hey, aren't you Norma? And he's
gone.

He's just suddenly gone.

Norm's back at the bar going, Hey, what
happened to that guy?

That's not bad.

That's right.

That's pretty good. Well, I can get you
down.

That's pretty good. Kind of in here
somewhere.

That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah.

That's pretty good. Yeah. He doesn't
have a guitar, does he? Hey, hey, hey.

Don't smile on his face. No matter what
the emotion.

He's not breaking down. No matter what
the emotion. Okay.

Oh, my God. What was I asking? I don't
know, but you can hold on for 40

Oh,

my God. What was I asking?

I forgot what we were talking about. We
were talking about sexual alchemy.

Yeah, sexual alchemy. Do you know what
Gnosticism is really about?

I was telling you about running around
the 800 meters.

Okay. And if this has anything to do
with Gnosticism, I'll jump in. I have

trouble relating to sexual alchemy.

And waiting and waiting and waiting and
waiting.

You're probably into black tantra. Well,
anybody who knows anything about me

knows I'm into black tantra.

I ran that 800 and I ran it fast.

And afterwards I'd be dead, you know,
and I'd rock up and there'd be water

be pouring out of the little thing that
we used to have.

Spigot? Yeah, only white people could
drink out of it. Is it a spigot? And the

water, as you turned it, it would get
colder and colder.

There's no S on there.

We'd get colder and colder, right? Yeah.
I would wait until the water got really

cold. I'd feel it.

And then I'd just let it run. And I'd
walk around that there water fountain.

And I wouldn't let anyone near it, you
know, because that was my water, right?

Wait until it got so cold. I wanted it
so bad. Did you say, wah?

One time I waited an hour.

And then I had fucking water.

You waited an hour to drink? Yeah, and I
put my whole face in the water, fucking

down my throat, fucking cum out. Not
cum, but...

Well, you know, when it mixes with the

cum, the water is mixing with the cum.

No, no, I know.

Because you just flew down. No, no, no.

You ran like mile three. A liquid.

It's a liquid. It was water.

Look at him. He's crossing the finish
line.

That'd be dirty over there.

We're going to take a break. There's the
guy.

He's showering himself with his own
semen.

He must be tantric.

If I could bring this back a little to
normality.

Most people blow their load around like
the second.

We don't want to talk about this.

There was a guy, I worked on a TV show,
and we were all writers. Quit bragging.

We were all writers. And the writers,
there was one girl who was the assistant

who was so gorgeous, but no one could
get her. And one night. No one could get

her. No, but one time a guy did. And he
was the lowest guy, the PA of the show.

Oh, see. So he got her.

And then.

So people found out. They were, oh, my
God. And they call him into the writer's

room, and he's all, nobody's even
noticed this guy.

And he's so, they're like, all the
writers are kind of, you know, shabby

Give us your fingers, buddy.

Exactly. And they're like, tell us more,
you know. So the guy's, like, all

excited because he's never, no one's
ever noticed him, you know. And he's

oh, well, I was just dancing with her.
And then I said, do you want me to drive

you home? She said, yes. And then when
we got in, I was like, yeah, then what?

Well, she was really, like, aggressive.

And then he'd get really excited, you
know.

He's like, I'm going to pull out my shot
all over his tits, fucking licked it

up. Everybody's like, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa.

Whoa, what?

And he's like, what? What happened?

He thought everyone did that. I thought
you wanted me to share.

Yeah, he thought everyone did that. And
then four days later, he got fired. No

one wanted to look at him anymore. But
anyways.

We should take a break.

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We're back with Jim Carrey. Here's the
thing about Zamuda. Who doesn't want to

do jokes?

Jim, we're not doing jokes.

Oh, good.

This is what... I love Zamuda.

Because I like how he continues... Why
don't you tantric sex him?

Why don't you make it last all day long?

We had someone at Saturday Night Live
who was into tantric sex and also

Sting?

I didn't say his name. I guessed it!

I guessed it!

I got on the lightning round!

So this unnamed person is driving our
life. You know, I'm sorry. Some of these

things don't translate when I do them
physically. But in my mind, they're

fucking incredible.

Like I just fucking shoot off with a
fucking rocket fucking powered seat that

just flies into the audience.

If I can do what's inside here, you guys
are going to be fucking running to the

car.

That's funny you say that because you're
more than anyone do.

What? What you're saying.

If I do something, I think I'm making
these faces. And then I look at it that

night, I made no face at all.

It was all inside me.

In my mind, I had a face. I was sad.

Sometimes I've been sad.

You might have had a stroke at some
point.

You might have had a stroke at some
point. Sometimes they're subtle.

The first thing that goes is facial
expression.

And you end up like this the whole time.

But I will say this.

I don't know if you've seen Kirk Douglas
lately, but it hasn't hurt his comic

timing. That is fucking amazing.

I like the look, whatever it is. You
could probably do him.

Kirk Douglas?

See,

now we're doing Essences.

You do Kirk Douglas, and we'll do a
scene together of Essences of Kirk

and Burt Lane. Go.

It's a war movie.

We're in the bunker.

And you'd be Kirk Douglas.

And are you my commanding officer? Yeah,
that's right. Or are you just a grunt?

He looks like you're a grunt.

Listen, grunt.

No, you don't do the voice. Just do the
essence.

Oh.

Just like the grunt. Oh, I see.

I guess we didn't need the whole part
about the war movie.

It really didn't matter.

He gave himself the great one.

Do you forget how to do impressions?

Do you remember the verse during the
movie? I love doing impressions, and I

getting a dog cookie afterwards.

I know.

Did you ever do James Nathan? I love
getting a belly rub.

There are some guys, though. I love
people that go, you're a clever dog.

There are some guys. You do tricks.

That we enjoy.

But Steve Martin plays the manager.
There are guys who are incredibly... You

art. There's guys... There are
impressionists that were very fun.

There was Frank Gorton. Very, very funny
guy.

Peter Sellers.

Peter Sellers. He was an impressionist,
though. He was a character. Yeah.

Hilarious character. I bet he was an
impressionist. I did Clouseau my whole

growing up. Here's something I heard
that's interesting.

That... And in the movie being there, he
was doing an impression the entire time

of the comedian Stan Laurel. Yes.

Yeah, he was. Pretty cool. I hope it was
as interesting for you as it was for

us. What do you think of, I don't think
you've ever done this. I love the

outtakes of that movie where he's
cracking up about Raul and stuff like

What do you think of guys that remake
movies that are near perfect to begin

with?

I want to kick them in the fucking face.

I mean, let's not... I don't want to
make any bones about it. Guys make

that are good over and over again. They
should be fucking shot in the fucking

face. But the best movie... Let's say a
guy comes up to you and says, we want to

do Sergeant Bilko with you instead of
Phil

Silver.

For a third time they're going to redo
Sergeant Belletow?

I would reach into my pants, grab a
handful of my own shit, and

wipe it right in their face.

That's the obvious answer.

So you have no opinion on that.

How do you know there's going to be shit
there?

Oh, yeah. Oh.

There's always shit there. Oh, Jim, I've
been trying to, he's been asking me

every guest this night. What?

I tell him, stop. He has this question
he always asks people.

Where do you get your ideas?

He goes, where do you get your ideas?

And I say, I hate when you ask a comic
where he gets his ideas. It's

embarrassing. It's embarrassing to me. I
don't like to hear that question.

There's no me.

I've been telling you this the whole
time. I know.

There are ideas that happen. Things
happen.

I have nothing to do with it. Exactly.
You have nothing to do with it. So do

have any other questions? There's no
Warren McDonald. You have any other

questions after hearing that?

Warren McDonald is a name. He has a
religion.

He has a nationality. He has a hockey
team that he loves. And that's exactly

what I want to know. These are the
fucking abstract fucking building blocks

he cobbles together into some sort of
pseudo fucking personality.

That can be identified by the police.

Jesus. So what's the question?

There's no him.

Why do you think Canadians are so funny?

There are no Canadians.

There is only a zone that is colder than
here.

That's very true. Someone's lying around
it. I don't see you as a fan of

nationalism. No, I'm not a nationalistic
person because I'm not a fucking

person. Right.

Not even a person.

No. There is a relative manifestation,

obviously, happening.

It's pretty fucking convincing at times.
So when I cross the border, I have some

papers. Are there papers with me? Yeah.

But, you know.

I'm not going to suddenly go across the
border in Canada and go, whoo!

Fuck, was that a pain in the ass!

Come on, guys!

I love you!

Because he was excited for a minute.
He's like, where do you get these

He still thinks you're talking about
vanishing.

Yeah.

He's not talking about vanishing
physically. Oh, Jesus Christ. Wait, no,

didn't Steve, something happened there.

Who? Steve Odenkirk.

Steve Odenkirk did what?

Or not Steve Odenkirk. Who directed?
Steve Odenkirk wrote his movie. Yeah,

right. Didn't he do it? He gave away all
his earthly possessions.

No, that was Tom Shadia. Shadia.

Oh, that's right. He didn't give away
all his earthly possessions. He gave

a lot of stuff. Everything but $4
billion.

But is that similar to what you're
talking about? Did he?

No. I have tons of shit.

There's tons of stuff with Jim Carrey's
name on it. And there's money in the

bank. And there's lots of. good stuff.
They need in this relative

but I have nothing to do with it.

What do you think of this, Jim?

No, I won't. I won't think.

Richard Pryor was how many years ago?
50?

Right?

Richard Pryor was at his peak maybe 50
years ago or something.

Andy Kaufman died before I even was in
comedy.

Isn't it odd that the greatest comedian
and the greatest whatever you would call

that, metacomedian or performance
artist, comedian, lived so long ago and

nobody's even come close to them?

In most art, this is not true.

But, you know, what's amazing is that
none of it matters.

Ultimately,

No matter what happens, no matter if
another great comedian never comes

it's not going to fucking matter at all
from 500 feet up.

From 500 feet up? Yeah, from up there.
It's like, you know, whatever.

What will be? Did you ever watch, like,
nothing?

We don't matter at all.

This is just a trip we're on, and it's
fun, and it's going to be interesting.

But how can you answer any of these
questions that are on the blue cards,

that... No, you can in a relative sense,
but there's no meaning. Even though

there's no meaning to it, it's a fact.

And why do you think in the 50 years
that Pryor has not been eclipsed?

there hasn't been a comedian that grew
up in a brothel and was forced to suck

somebody's dick and was beaten and was
tortured.

You know, we all come from, you know,
comics come from a certain level of

torture or abandonment or whatever.

You probably have a thick mom.

Yeah. Yeah.

So I can pretty much do that test with
every comedian that ever lived has a

thick mom. I don't think she's thick.

The doctor said she's more.

The doctor said she's more.

I'm not a doctor.

I said, how does she do it? No, but I
mean, is she mentally ill? Is your

I don't think so. My doctor said she is
more.

than host at this point.

But I don't know this gobbledygook,
but... You're the virus.

You're the virus. She's the host.

You ever worry about maybe it's just...
Well, no, you're the host now.

Yeah.

You ever, when you say... And most
comics come from a needful parent or

something like that, like I wanted to
make my mother happy. Speaking of

Canadians, the great Canadians are
great.

human beings? The people that live in
the universe?

Yeah.

Were you a fan of Leonard Cohen?

I am such a sick Leonard Cohen fan.
Literally, two days ago, I'm painting

Leonard Cohen.

Oh, really?

No,

no, no. Painting with that music. I love
that music so much. Incredible.

I did one of the dumbest things ever. I
was in Montreal.

Yeah, tell me you're embarrassing
Leonard Cohen. I did a goddamn...

comedy nest. It was a club. Leonard
Cohen used to go there. I didn't know

was. He'd wear a beret and a long thing.

He's a poet.

He's really good. He likes you. I'm
like, that's good. I don't think I want

hang out with a poet.

It took about two years, and then I
listened to that one. I'm like, holy

that's that guy. And then there's no
finding him. No finding him then.

You know, I phone, I go, hey, remember
that guy? I want to be his friend to the

comedy club owner. He goes, oh, reach
out to me. He phones back. He goes, he

said no.

Ah, that's beautiful.

Isn't it great? Because, you know, I
mean, you get a lot of props when you're

comic, when you're popular and stuff
like that. You get a lot of people.

who are like, oh, my God, this guy is,
like, my favorite, and he loves me. It's

fantastic. It feels good.

And, you know, they pop off the movie
screen or whatever, and they become your

friend, and it's insane. You can't
believe it.

I'm, like, literally black and blue from
pinch -me moments, you know. But every

once in a while, somebody you really
admire hates your goats.

You met the great... Let me tell you.

Okay, it's the creator of Bugs and
Bunny.

Hated me.

No.

Chuck Jones. Oh, the funny one. Chuck
Jones hated my gun. God damn. That

make any sense to me. That hurt for a
minute.

That hurt for a minute. And you were
playing the cartoon. I believed I was

for one minute. I feel like you would be
the only one. One minute I was like,

oh.

That's not nice. I watched Bulls Bunny
my whole childhood. Were you on Duck

Factory? He hated me.

Were you on Duck Factory at the time?
No, no. This was later. This was later.

It was on his deathbed or something. The
last thing he said.

Oh, tell Jim Carrey.

I fucking hate him.

I cannot sanction his buffoonery.

That's what Tommy Lee Jones said to me,
too.

He couldn't sanction my buffoonery.

He couldn't?

He couldn't sanction my career. What
movie is this?

That's when we did Batman. Wait, you're
the star, though. I wasn't the star.

That was the problem.

Did you ever have this problem with guys
who were like, I'm a better actor than

this fucking movie star? Did you ever
get that?

No, because there was no me.

Oh, but, I mean, the guy that Tommy Lee
Jones was talking to.

Oh, the guy that Tommy Lee Jones was
talking to.

He was at a restaurant, and, you know,
the mentor said, oh, Tommy, I hear

working with Tommy Lee Jones. He's over
in the corner having dinner.

And I went over, and I said, oh, yeah,
great. I went over, and I said, hey,

Tommy, how you doing? Like that, and the
blood just drained from his face.

Like he had been thinking about me 24
hours. You'd already done the movie.

No, no, it was before the biggest scene
we have together in the movie, and the

blood just drained. from his face and he
got he started shaking and he got up

and he went like this he must have been
in mid kill me fantasy or something like

that he was like like this and he went
like to hug me and he said i hate you

i really don't like you like that

And I said, gee, man, what's the
problem?

And I pulled up a chair, which probably
wasn't smart, and he said, I cannot

sanction your buffoonery.

My theory on that would be that he's a
famous guy. He used to be the center of

attention. You walk into a room, he's
not the center of attention. Well, he

might have been uncomfortable doing that
work, too. That's not really his style

of stuff.

He cashed a check.

That's right.

He was playing Harvey Dent.

That's right.

He was playing Harvey Dent. That's
right.

No, you were the great guest. That's
right.

Nice job.

It was a cookie.

Anyway.

Little victories.

Yeah. It's all little victories. Get out
now.

Get out now. You're a man who's very,
you're still a young, young kid, too.

Incredibly funny guy. You've already
proven almost everything.

So why am I working so hard? Incredible
acting. Why am I trying so hard? Well, I

think you're doing things you love now,
though. No, I am. It's true. There's no

pressure whatsoever.

I truly am kind of needless in the
universe.

That's great.

Yeah. I'm just doing because doing is
happening.

And do you find that since you're
afforded this luxury of not having to

It gives you more free time to think up
these fucking batshit crazy ideas. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, I go down all kinds of
little crazy paths.

Absolutely. Yeah. I learn a lot. And,
you know, I truly believe, especially if

you've made it, especially if you've
become a big thing, that you owe it to

people to get the fuck out of their
faces.

You know, to get away and not be in
their face all the time. I remember when

started, everybody wanted to do three
-hour sets. You know, when I started

this macho thing. People don't want to
see a three -hour movie.

You know what I mean?

But your ego is so, I'm doing more, you
know. Well, also, you get into the place

of, like, not wanting to lose your place
in the status sphere, I call it. You

know, it's like you don't want to fall
from that.

And I've, you know, there's been several
times now in my life or career where I

got to a certain level and I went, okay,
now I'm going to get away. I'm going to

like just go away for a couple of years.

And, you know, this time, you know, the
art and the sculpting and all that stuff

happened. And every time out, it's kind
of like.

wanting to sever my right arm to learn
how to write with my left.

So people get pissed off. They go, what
the fuck are you doing? You're not doing

any movies. What the hell is wrong with
you?

And I'm off learning how to write with
the left. And then when I do and I got a

new trick, then I come back and I show
this one back on.

And then they get kind of both. Then I
can show them something different as

as the old thing that I still don't mind
doing.

Do you think your movies, if they happen
in the future, will be... If?

If you want to, I meant. If? If you want
to. You might be an artist that has no

time for movies.

I mean, an artist as it's colloquially
used.

What the fuck is he talking about? I
have no idea.

But do you think it would be a dramatic
movie or a comedic movie that would be

your fort for the rest of your career? I
don't care.

Doesn't matter? No. Do you see any
distinction between a comedy and a... I

care.

Nothing about that. I just want
interesting things to happen.

What's your favorite movie? With
interesting manifestations of

What's your favorite movie?

My favorite movie?

Network. Patachowski.

You know.

Fantastic. Every scene in that movie is
a smorgasbord.

Now that I'm a little older, too, you
can look back on that movie and see

William Holden and Faye Dunaway in the
kitchen scene, and he's saying, like,

closer to the end than to the beginning.

For me, death has become a real thing
with definable features.

I mean, fuck.

Who writes that?

That's incredible.

I mean, that's incredible.

You know, so every scene is like that.
He's one of my greatest voices ever.

voice will get you Stephanie Powers.

Stephanie Powers, pussy.

Jesus.

No, he's an old guy. He's 90. Stephanie
was 28.

What I was going to ask you, though, was
who's the most enlightened person that

you've ever met?

a figure that you've looked up to and
learned from in your personal life?

I have a ton of people, a ton of great
teachers.

Eckhart is great. Eckhart Tolle is
great.

I have some of them. I'm friends with
them. And you know them personally.

yeah, yeah.

And a good friend of mine, Jeff Foster,
who's a young guy, but he's really...

He's really got a perspective on things
that's incredible. You should check out

his dissertation on depression. It's
really incredible. It's super

about it. His concept is that the word
depressed means deep rest, that

basically... You know, depression is
your body, a natural occurrence, rather

than, you know, there's times when you
have to medicate when it's dire.

Or it's driving.

Yeah, right.

Or you have to medicate because, you
know, you're in trouble. But mostly just

understanding that depressed means your
body needs deep rest from the character

that you've been playing in the world.

And most of us walk around with a, you
know, we're trying to be.

appear successful and appear not broken
and all those things. And we keep that

up for a while, and then your body goes,
fuck you. And it just takes your legs

out from under you, and it's an amazing
thing.

Do you think he went, like, depressed
deep?

He was probably playing hangman at the
time.

The great Jim Carrey has been our guest
on his one yet. Thank you, David.