Original subtitles

BOWEN: T-minus 10, 9, 8,

4, 3, 6...

It's time for releasings.

Penetrating in 2, 1, 0.

Go.

Blast off into my orbit.

MATT: It's culture's biggest night,

depending on who you ask.

The 2025 Las Culturistas Culture Awards have arrived,

hosted by...

BOWEN: Ground control. Ground control to the boys.

MATT: Featuring...

We're in deep, deep space.

BOWEN: Captain, deeper.

Ultrasonic lesbionic.

MATT: Who's driving this thing?

Oh, [bleep], we're lost.

With performances of the nominees

for Record of the Year from...

...and surprise guests.

Plus, we honor comedy legend Kenan Thompson

with the Titan of Culture Award.

BOWEN: And the singular Allison Janney receives

the Lifetime of Culture Award.

The Culture Award starts in 10, 9, 8 --

oh, my counting is off -- right now!

[ epic music plays ]

**

**

[ cheers and applause ]

Good evening, everyone. Tonight is historic.

We just landed in the Blue Origin Too.

That means we are the first gay men in full glam

to go to space.

[ cheers and applause ]

And we couldn't have done it without you, Andy.

I'm sure this isn't the first time you've heard this,

but thank you for that incredible 12-minute ride.

You're welcome. You guys got this, okay?

Wait, Andy, are you saying that tonight

we have the keys to Bravo?

[ cheers and applause ]

And therefore, by corporate extension, Peacock?

[ cheers and applause ]

Yes, boys, tonight it's all yours.

Listen, don't do anything I wouldn't do, okay?

Good luck, guys.

Thanks, Andy. You want to take these for us, actually?

Can you grab these? Thanks so much.

Can you handle that? Hey, thanks, man.

Andy Cohen, everybody!

Captain Andrew Cohen!

[ cheers and applause ]

Wow. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do,"

says the man who once asked Shaq

how big his dick was on television.

Well, I guess that means we can get away with a lot.

Shall we slip into something marginally more comfortable?

[ cheers and applause ]

Welcome to the first televised

Las Culturistas Culture Awards!

The only awards show where no one will thank God.

We're here to prove that every podcast should also be TV.

And everything on TV should be a gay fever dream.

Speaking of, I'm Bowen Yang. You might know me from "SNL."

And my name is Matt Rogers,

and I'd say my vibe is more "Mad TV."

We are thrilled to host you this evening

at the legendary Orpheum Theatre in Downtown Los Angeles,

tucked between a Chick-fil-A and a Massage Envy.

We are also the hosts of the podcast "Las Culturistas."

And if you've never heard of "Las Culturistas,"

it's like Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper on New Year's,

but more diverse.

[ laughter ]

Because I'm Greek!

This whole award-show thing actually started as a bit.

One day, on a whim, we just decided to announce

a bunch of random nominees

in a bunch of random categories.

We never intended to do a real award show at all.

No. But here we are, thanks to the honestly terrifying

Swiftie-level dedication of our fans.

But you know, our audience is so much more expansive

than you might think.

It's women with jobs,

women at home,

women with babies,

women freezing their eggs,

women who drive to work,

women who drive home from work,

and every gay guy in the world.

But you might still be asking yourself, or rather,

your boyfriend next to you on the couch might be asking,

"Wait, what the [bleep] is this?"

Well, Mike, John, or Kev,

we have literally everything the Grammys and Emmys have,

except the "Chicken Shop" girl on the red carpet.

Amelia, if you're watching, you hurt me.

I had to find out on YouTube

that you were dating a lot of other people.

And I [bleep] the glambot.

So that's why it can come.

And here, time is irrelevant.

This year at the Grammys, Beyoncé won Album of the Year.

[ cheers and applause ]

But at the Culture Awards,

"Flowers" by Miley Cyrus, a song from two years ago,

is nominated for Song of the Summer.

So this evening's ceremony will be,

just to use some technical terms,

random source,

cuckoo-lulu,

she gone.

Here we award the film "The Substance,"

but also the spirit tunnel from "The Jennifer Hudson Show."

Matt, I'm realizing we haven't even defined what culture is.

Right. Well, it's actually Rule of Culture Number 1.

TOGETHER: Culture is when...

What are some other Rules of Culture?

Well, let's fly through some, shall we?

Rule of Culture Number 16.

Rule of Culture Number 76.

And Rule of Culture Number 104.

[ cheers and applause ]

And look, we just want to take a moment to say

we know there are a lot of devastating things going on

in the world right now.

But here, politics will only

silently linger in the background,

like when you're watching "Real Housewives" thinking,

wait, who do you think she voted for?

I mean, she has a gay son, but they have a private plane.

Right. And the husband has the tax stuff,

but then she's at the Pride parade.

Right, and she's dancing with the gay son.

Whatever. She's funny.

Yeah.

And look, no award show would be complete

without some gorgeous little Hollywood thang here

to pass out the awards.

So please welcome your Miss Culturista,

the legendary...

TOGETHER: Patti Harrison!

[ cheers and applause ]

Ah! It's so heavy!

Yeah, sorry about that, Patti.

So, the Culture Award is literally a West Elm doorstop

that we yassified with spray paint and glue.

And this is real.

The Cultch holds the record for heaviest trophy

in award-show history. Yeah.

Give it up for your Miss Culturista, Patti Harrison!

Well, Matt, tonight is an opportunity

for us to live out our number-one pop-culture fantasy.

So go on, say it. What's yours?

Well, I know he's kind of a problematic king,

but I guess I've always wanted Jack Bauer from "24"

to grab me by the throat, slam me against a hard wall,

and scream, "Where is she?!"

[ laughter ]

But I guess that's probably not a very realistic dream.

Well, hey, let me try. [ clears throat ]

[ gently ] Hey, do you know where she is?

[ normal voice ] That sucked. Acting is hard.

Yeah. Never mind.

Anyway, Bowen, uh, what's your pop-culture fantasy?

Oh, well, I guess my pop-culture fantasy would be

if we were on stage in Downtown LA

at the majestic Orpheum Theatre.

Patti would be dressed as the lady in red,

and the two of us would sing "Abracadabra" by Lady Gaga.

But I...

I guess that last part just isn't realistic either.

[ "Abracadabra" plays ]

**

[ cheers and applause ]

And the category is...

Dance or Die.

* Abra-ca-dabra, abracadabra *

* Abra-ca-dabra, abracadabra *

* Pay the toll to the angels *

* Drawing circles in the clouds *

* Keep your mind on the distance *

* When the devil turns around *

* Hold me in your heart tonight *

* In the magic of the dark moonlight *

* Save me from this empty fight *

* In the game of life *

* Like a poem said by a lady in red *

* You hear the last few words of your life *

* With a haunting dance, now we're both in a trance *

* Time to cast your spell on the night *

Let's go. Let's go!

* Abracadabra, amor-ooh-na-na *

* Abracadabra, morta-ooh-ga-ga *

* Abracadabra, abra-ooh-na-na *

* In her tongue she said, "Death or love tonight" *

* Abra-ca-dabra, abracadabra *

* Abra-ca-dabra, abracadabra *

* Feel the beat under your feet *

* The floor's on fire *

* Abra-ca-dabra, abracadabra *

* Phantom of the dance floor *

* Come to me *

* Sing to me a sinful *

* Melody *

* Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah *

* Ahhhhh *

* Ah, ah, ah, ah *

* Ah, ah, ah, ah *

Let's go.

* Abracadabra, amor-ooh-na-na *

* Abracadabra, morta-ooh-ga-ga *

* Abracadabra, abra-ooh-na-na *

* In her tongue she said *

* "Death or love tonight" *

[ cheers and applause ]

Now put your hands together

for our first presenter of the night.

She's literally Mindy from "The Mindy Project."

And she's actually friends with our friend Chris.

Please welcome...

TOGETHER: Mindy Kayling!

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

That was the best dancing I've ever seen in my life.

[ laughter ]

Guys, I am here to present the award for the...

Film has been around for over 28 years...

[ laughter ]

...and still impacts our culture,

despite how awesome our phones are.

In fact, you're probably watching

on your phone right now.

Wait, what did she just say?

It's fine. Rewind it, or don't.

Here are the nominees for Most Amazing Impact in Film.

And the Cultch goes to...

...Jeff Goldblum's chest, "Jurassic Park."

**

**

**

Wow.

[ cheers and applause ]

Once again,

I have vanquished AI with my human je ne sais quoi.

"Jurassic Park" had the T-Rex and Laura Dern.

And you gay people still chose my chest.

Wow. Incredible.

Come to think of it, can I hand this to you?

Can I -- there.

[ cheers and applause ]

No, this award isn't even for me.

It's really for my -- my chest.

So it is only fitting that, uh...

[ cheers and applause ]

[ audience chanting "Do it!" ]

Uh, always leave them wanting more.

I thank you, Culture Awards. Thank you so much.

[ cheers and applause ]

MATT: When we come back, Dave Franco and Alison Brie.

Plus Kenan Thompson is honored as the Titan of Culture.

The party's just getting started

here on the Las Culturistas Culture Awards.

And now some other winners tonight,

Presented by T-Mobile.

I am honored to accept this 2025

Las Culturistas Daddy Award

on behalf of the men of "The Four Seasons."

I am proud that our show offers something for everyone --

a classic silver fox, a fashion icon,

European/beautiful feet,

and, of course, the only other sexual type,

Gen-X "SNL" weirdo.

[ cheers and applause ]

MATT: Come together to welcome the stars

of the new film "Together,"

together for the first time, Dave Franco and Alison Brie.

We are here to present the category for Best Batman Woman.

And I think everyone in this room can agree

that the best part of Batman is, of course, the women.

[ cheers and applause ]

I mean, who can even name a man from Batman?

Joker. Babe, babe.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

[ laughs ]

You would be hard pressed to name another man

that anyone cares about from --

Two-Face, Riddler, Penguin... Oh, my God.

Um... Honey, stop!

I -- Okay.

[ laughter ]

[ mutters indistinctly ]

Just don't.

[ laughter and applause ]

This year's nominees for Best Batman Woman

encompass the full spectrum of Gotham femininity.

Here are the nominees for Best Batman Woman.

And the Cultch goes to...

Robyn! Robyn, the Riddler's assistant!

**

**

[ laughter ]

**

**

**

**

Oh, my God. [ laughs ]

Oh, wow. Um...

Wow. I was really betting on Uma. Um...

I cry easily. Okay. So, yes.

I am Robyn, the Riddler's assistant.

Uh, I want to start off by saying, surprisingly,

he is a great boss.

Um, but also, you know,

because of the way he talks, a little confusing.

Um, well, you're probably wondering, what do I do?

Um, mostly

sourcing different question-mark stickers.

Uh, you know, I have to put them on everything,

all over town whenever he's been anywhere.

Um, I used to just cut up magazines, you know,

to write his ransom letters,

but, hey, now I use Canva. [ chuckles ]

Um, this award isn't for me.

It's for all the women that are in the background.

And you know who you are!

[ music playing ]

No, no, no, no! You're not gonna play me off.

This is for all the women who type,

who have to help their bosses into tight, shiny outfits,

who stay up late wondering,

is Gotham New York?

It is, right. It's New York, right?

You know what? I'm a woman.

I'll Google it.

[ cheers and applause ]

Lastly, I want to say thank you to this show.

I don't know where I am or what this is,

but I do know this must have been started

by women for women.

So a final thank you to the two ladies

of "Los Culturisias."

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

Here to present tonight's Titan of Culture Award,

please welcome -- I hope I'm saying this right --

Amy Bryan.

Sorry. Aidan Brownman.

Sorry. Our friend...

TOGETHER: Aidy Bryant!

**

**

Why are we here tonight?

The railroad,

coal, steel, oil,

and intercontinental ballistic missiles.

Sure, these are a few of our favorite things,

but each was given to us by a titan of industry.

Now, only men can be titans.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

And gay guys are not a part of that.

[ laughter ]

But there is one other kind of titan --

a titan of culture,

a warrior of hope

who is unafraid to ask the question,

"Ooooooh-wee,

what isup with that?"

[ cheers and applause ]

Of course, I am speaking of tonight's

Titan of Culture winner, Kenan Thompson.

[ cheers and applause ]

Here we have just a few examples

of how he has lifted the human spirit with his art.

Good evening, and welcome to "Cinema Classics."

I am Reese Da-What?

- What? - * What's up with that? *

- Why? - Why?!

- Really?! - Comedy is in my genes.

- [ scatting ] - Oooh!

* What did the pumpkin say at his Halloween? *

* More *

[ cellphone rings ] Oh, hang on.

Ketchup! Chocolate!

Ketchup!

Choc-o-late!

Time to dance!

* Okay *

**

[ speaking gibberish ]

And we all have a big lunch.

Oh, my goodness, you!

Damn. Damn! Damn!

We have mofongo.

-Eh? -What?

Mangukotontones.

I'm taking a bath!

Okay, yeah. Oh, that's nasty.

They told me to escar-go away.

Say, burrito are spicy.

Oh!

[ cheers and applause ]

He has been a star for decades,

a mentor to so many.

Put your hands together for the Culture Awards'

Titan of Culture, Kenan Thompson!

**

**

[ cheers and applause ]

Gave the Black man the black one.

[ laughter ]

Thank you very much. Wow.

This is amazing. This is amazing.

Uh, yes, it is I, thespian Kenan Thompson.

You know me from my work,

including but not limited to the words,

"Tweedle-dee-doo"...

"What?!"...

"Shut up!"...

"No! My Gucci shoes!"...

...and, "Ooh-wee, what's up with that?"

[ cheers and applause ]

It really is a dream come true

for me to win a Las Culturistas Culture Award.

Thank you to Aidy "Sweet Baby" Bryant.

[ cheers and applause ]

Uh, Aidy was on "SNL" for 10 years.

That's right.

And that is only 190 years less than me.

Uh, I have been on your TV for forever.

I'm going to be in your hearts for even longer, I hope.

Enjoy your evening. Lyle Roach in the building.

What's up, player?

Have a great night. Thank you very much.

**

**

Hey, Matt, I have to say, your outfit looks amazing tonight.

Bo, so does yours.

Unfortunately, neither of our looks

are nominated for Outfit of the Year.

Damn. Sucks.

But throughout the night, we'll be seeing the outfits

that arenominated with the help of a true superstar.

Here to walk tonight's first nominee for Outfit of the Year,

Demi Moore's yellow coat from "The Substance,"

please welcome actress, fashion force,

and cultural icon...

TOGETHER: Lisa Rinna!

**

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

BOWEN: Coming up -- Jamie Lee Curtis

and a performance by Remi Wolf.

It's all happening on the Culture Awards.

MATT: The Culture Awards is presented by...

the Casamigos Margarita,

the anytime, anywhere margarita.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

Well, it's that moment in the show

where we welcome the accountants.

That's when two regular people with no star quality

come out and hold a briefcase.

But we don't have accountants,

so the amazing folks at Dunkin' let us use theirs.

Give it up for Brian and Chocolate.

They're tabulating the votes as we speak.

Oh, and look, they brought their intern.

Hmm. I wonder how the munchkin got their job.

I heard their mom works there.

TOGETHER: Nepo!

And just like that, it's time for our next award.

Here to present the Jamie Lee Curtis Award

for Gusto, Enthusiasm, and Individuality...

From the upcoming "Freakier Friday,"

give it up for Jamie Lee Curtis!

**

**

Hi, everybody!

Hi, there. My name is Jamie Lee Curtis.

[ cheers and applause ]

MAN: Yeah!

Okay.

I got rid of my pom-poms, but I kept my pom-poms,

you know what I'm saying?

When I finally [bleep] killed Michael Myers...

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

...and turned him into Hamburger Helper

in "Halloween Ends," what did I do it with?

AUDIENCE: Gusto!

I'm sorry?!

AUDIENCE: Gusto!

Thank you. Much better.

Now, when I was asked to switch bodies with Lindsay Lohan

in "Freaky Friday,"

I did it with...

AUDIENCE: Enthusiasm!

Oh, yeah, baby.

And I am very enthusiastic about "Freakier Friday,"

which is hitting the theaters, in movie theaters, August 8th.

Yes!

And my costume in "Everything Everywhere All at Once,"

apparently that is...

AUDIENCE: Individuality!

Yeah. So, let's see how these people stack up.

Here are the nominees.

And the Cultch goes to...

Womencrafts Provincetown.

**

**

**

**

[ laughter ]

Uh, hi there, hi.

I'm, uh, I'm Mary Kate.

Um, I'm one of the gals over at Womencrafts Provincetown.

We are a lesbian-owned bookshop.

[ cheers and applause ]

Uh, we sell books and gifts and a bunch of other fun crap.

Um, so if you're in P-Town for Bear Week, come on down.

[ cheers and applause ]

If you're in P-Town for Pig Week, also come on down.

Or if you're a pup or you're a twink or a daddy,

you know what, just come on down.

We've got RBG mugs.

We got Amanda Gorman votive candles.

Poly Week is coming up, so if you're coming, come on down.

We've got four-for-one Kamala shirts.

Prove you're poly and grab a Kamala shirt, everyone.

Thank you, I guess. It's an honor.

Save NPR. Okay.

[ cheers and applause ]

I want to take this moment to announce

that the winner of the Most Bowen Yang Coded Award

was stew -- all.

Wow. Thank you.

I want to thank everyone who voted,

which is you and me.

And I'm also happy to announce the winner

of the Most Matt Rogers Coded award

was soup -- all.

Oh, my God!

This is huge.

Soup is my favorite food,

and it's also my favorite song.

Here to perform Record of the Year nominee "Soup"

is Remi Wolf.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ "Soup" plays ]

**

* Ah, ah *

* Ah, ah *

* Ah, ah *

* Stay, stick around *

* Please don't get in your car *

* If a plane's on the ground *

* It can never really get that far *

* I can't help but make it about me *

* Oh, and you and I are together *

* Now I'm cleaning off the dirt on my feet *

* And I'm hoping that I'm getting better *

* Until I'm *

* Doing business on the top of the roof *

* They told me to leave *

* But I don't wanna leave without you *

* And you're so patient with the animals, too *

* If you give me your keys *

* I'll go and I'll pick up the soup *

* Oh, oh *

* Oh, oh, oh, whoa *

* I don't wanna live without you *

* Oh, oh *

* Oh, oh, oh, whoa *

* I don't wanna *

* I can never do what you wanted, baby *

* Oh, oh, oh *

* No, I could never do what you wanted, baby *

* No, no, no *

* I say, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na *

* Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na *

* Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na *

* Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na *

* Na-na *

* I'm doing business on the top of the roof *

* They told me to leave *

* But I don't wanna leave without you *

* You're too dear to my stew *

* If you give me your keys *

* I'll go and pick up the soup *

* Oh, whoa, oh, whoa *

* I don't wanna live without you *

* Oh, whoa, oh, whoa *

* I don't wanna live without *

[ cheers and applause ]

[ mouthing ]

Coming up next on the Culture Awards...

That was so fun!

BOWEN: Sarah Michelle Gellar,

Dylan Efron, and Jack Quaid --

a combination of names you'll only find

on the Culture Awards.

MATT: The culture awards presented by...

Dunkin' Refreshers.

**

MATT: She's the star of "Too Much" on Netflix,

and she just told me I was a lot.

We're in a fight. It's Meg Stalter.

I can't find my phone.

No, I'm serious. Like, I feel sick right now.

Can you guys look for it?

Benny Drama, how about a little less drama,

a little more looking for my phone? Come on.

I was hanging out with you earlier. Let's go.

Anyways, it's my honor to be here to present

the Allison Williams Cool Girl Award.

[ cheers and applause ]

Just like Allison, I also am a Lena Dunham muse.

Let's see and read the nominees.

Well, let's take a look.

I-I kind of thought I was nominated, too, but I guess not.

It's Paige DeSorbo!

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

**

**

This is truly such an honor.

I didn't even know that Lisa Rinna was an M&M.

But to be nominated along with her, I was like, wow,

that is really cool.

But to be honest, every girl in the world is a cool girl.

So whether you're a brunette or you have long, dark hair...

[ laughter ]

...whether you're on "Summer House"

or on "Winter House,"

um, this goes out to all the cool girls who are me.

So thank you!

BOWEN: Please welcome a loser tonight

for Best Gay Guy Somewhere in Between,

the incredible Pat Regan.

Wow. Okay, before I bring out our next guest,

I'd like to discuss my loss this evening

for Best Gay Guy Somewhere in Between.

I lost to Fire Island Pines Bartender, really?

I'm emblematic of barely famous gay guys,

and when I walk through a gate, I make sure to leave it open

for barely famous gay guys walking behind me.

Can Fire Island Bartender say that?

I don't know, because I've never been invited there,

Matt and Bowen.

But enough about me.

It's time to bring out our actual next presenter.

Please welcome Sarah Michelle Gellar!

**

**

Thank you.

So I know what Idid this summer.

Yes.

I hosted the Las Culturistas Culture Awards

Creative Arts and Technical Ceremony...

[ laughter ]

...where we honor breakfast foods, animals,

amusement park technology,

and the year 2023, among others.

It is my great pleasure

to call attention to some of the winners now

so that we may celebrate them very, verybriefly.

So, here to accept the award for Best Word to Whisper

is Greta Titelman.

[ whispering ] Never.

[ cheers and applause ]

Exactly.

Here to accept the award for Best Word to Scream

is Greta again.

[ screaming ] Never!

The Best Hand Award --

Excellence in Hands --

went to 11-minute applause breaks

at the Cannes Film Festival

and will be accepted by Aaron Jackson.

[ cheers and applause ]

Stop clapping your hands!

That's enough!

This is too much! Please stop!

And finally, here to accept the award

for Most Iconic Exchange of Words,

please welcome Real Housewife of Salt Lake City

and pillar of the Greek community,

Angie Katsanevas.

[ cheers and applause ]

I don't look like I have a high body count,

and I don't dresslike I have a high body count.

**

**

MATT: He won "The Traitors," and the other one is a big actor.

Two guys -- Dylan Efron and Jack Quaid.

You know, uh, I think it's pretty cool

how we're both secure enough to take photos like that.

Hey, you're an amazing actor, and you're tall.

Like, I love that.

Oh, thank you so much.

Of course. You are beautiful.

And I appreciate your mind just as much as your body.

A lesbian wrote this for us.

[ laughter ]

And you know what? We crushed it.

Yeah! Oh!

Here are the nominees for the...

And the Cultch goes to...

Andy Samberg, various.

Righteous! Yeah! Let's go!

**

**

**

**

Okay. This slaps.

For real, I haven't been this amped

since they announced Michael Bay was developing

the "Skibidi Toilet" movie.

Let's [bleep] go!

[ cheers and applause ]

But in all seriousness, I would like to be in that.

[ laughter ]

First off, I want to thank my fellow nominees,

my fellow cis men or my cis-ters, as I call them.

Yeah, I know that's something else, but we want it.

Which, you know, means historically, we will get it.

But what is straight male excellence, you may ask?

Well, it's not that complicated, bro.

Just do the work like I do.

Rise and grind.

When your wife hands you a thank you card she wrote,

sign it.

And broskis,

you gotta wash your hands at least once a week.

I'm looking at you, fellow nominee Bernie Sanders.

[ laughter ]

You know what? While I'm up here, screw it.

I want to do a tribute to Bowen and Matt.

You know -- Yeah. [ cheers and applause ]

So, uh, this is my

"I don't think so, honey." Let's do it.

All right, here we go.

[ clears throat ]

Uh, I don't think so, honey.

"Andor" ended?

As Yoda would say, "Think so, honey, I don't."

And that's all I got. Yeah.

Again, I just got to say thanks to my cis men,

the cis-terhood, if you will.

And I guess this year,

cis-ters really are doing it for themselves.

Thank you.

[ cheers and applause ]

Tonight's second nominated outfit of the year,

it's Lisa Rinna as Timothée Chalamet at a Knicks game.

**

**

ANNOUNCER: When we come back,

a performance of "Diet Pepsi"

and Sasha Colby presents

ANNOUNCER: She is your mother.

Seriously, your real mom gave you up.

Sorry you had to hear this way.

Here to present the award for Best New Artist,

it's drag royalty Sasha Colby.

Hello.

My name is Sasha Colby from the legendary House of Colby.

[ cheers and applause ]

And if you were watching the Grammys last year,

you know that my daughter, Chappell Roan,

won Best New Artist.

I just want to say that I'm thrilled to announce

that whoever wins this category will join the House of Colby

to be my next daughter.

So here are the nominees for Best New Artist.

The Culch goes to...

[ gasps ]

Gabby Windey.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

**

**

This is not the first time

a gay man has helped me win something.

[ cheers and applause ]

Big shout-out to Dylan Efron.

I want to thank everyone

who helped me be the Best New Artist of the year.

Starting with my wife, Robby Hoffman...

[ cheers and applause ]

...who made my dreams

of marrying an old Jewish man come true.

[ laughter ]

My agents and manager

who continue to take all of my money.

And the lesbians.

I love you, lesbians.

Thank you.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

Wow, Bowen. It's really happening.

All our pop culture dreams are coming true tonight.

I know.

I guess if I had one more shot to shoot,

it would be that Casamigos would be one of our sponsors.

Well, it came true.

Wait.

Did you know that the other part of my dream would be

that Casamigos margaritas would finally be in a can?

No. How could I know that? I'm not in your head.

Okay. Sorry.

These are the nominees for Casamigos Margaritas Award

for Things to Enjoy Anytime, Anywhere.

And the Culch goes to...

BOTH: Podcasts!

Here to accept the award is Paige DeSorbo again.

Oh, never mind.

We're being told she left right away.

She's so cool.

So cool. Okay, fine.

We will gladly accept this award on behalf of podcasts,

but we know that a lot of people here tonight

might also have one as well.

Yeah. If you have a podcast, please rise.

Wow. Oh, wow. Okay.

So congrats to literally everyone.

We are the problem. Okay.

Our next presenter does it all.

She can dance, act, and sing.

The only thing she can't do is introduce herself.

So please welcome Rachel Bloom.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

When I heard I was going to be presenting tonight,

I literally exclaimed, "Great news!"

But is it the best news I've ever heard?

No.

I have a child.

And a Golden Globe.

And they tell you about both of those beforehand.

[ laughter ]

But I'm happy to be here to present the Culch

for the Best News We Heard.

The nominees are...

And the Culch goes to...

Oh, wow, sorry,

this is a really huge upset.

In a Culture Awards first, a write-in candidate has won.

Um, Ben Platt is here to sing a Record of the Year nominee.

[ cheers and applause ]

So here, with his heartbreaking and emotional rendition

of Addison Rae's "Diet Pepsi"...

[ cheers and applause ]

...please welcome

the extraordinarily gifted Ben Platt.

**

**

* My boy is a winner *

* He loves the game *

* My lips reflect off his cross gold chain *

* I like the way he's telling me *

* My ass looks good in these ripped blue jeans *

**

**

* My cheeks are red like cherries in the spring *

* Body's a work of art you'd die to see *

* Untouched, XO *

* Young lust, let's -- *

* When we drive in your car, I'm your baby *

* Losing all my innocence in the back seat *

* Say you love, say you love, say you love me *

* Losing all my innocence in the back seat *

* When we drive in your car, I'm your baby *

* Losing all my innocence in the back seat *

* Say you love, say you love, say you love me *

* Losing all my innocence in the back seat *

**

* Oh *

**

* I like it from the fountain, yeah, yeah *

* When we drive in your car, I'm your baby *

* Losing all my innocence in the back seat *

* Say you love, say you love, say you love me *

* Losing all my innocence in the back seat *

* When we drive in your car, I'm your baby *

* Losing all my innocence in the back seat *

* Say you love, say you love, say you love me *

* Losing all my innocence in the back seat *

* Ohhhh *

* Ohh *

* Oh, oh, oh *

[ cheers and applause ]

Coming up on the Culture Awards...

**

ANNOUNCER: Coming up, Benito Skinner, Julio Torres,

and a thrilling appearance by Kate Berlant.

Come on, Culture Awards.

Welcome back.

Matt, wait, I'm worried that the show has been taken over

by our corporate sponsors.

Bowen, no, the show is going great.

Just take a deep breath, get grounded and ask yourself,

what would the Volkswagen Tiguan do?

[ laughter ]

Well, the Volkswagen Tiguan would drive forward

with confidence, comfort, and luxury.

And don't forget wireless phone charging.

You're so good at reminding me of what matters.

I'm probably just feeling a little uneasy because

I haven't driven a Volkswagen Tiguan with available head-up

display in real wood dash decor in a few hours.

You will soon.

I love you. I love you too.

Is what I would say to my Volkswagen Tiguan

if it were here right now.

And now a Culch Award winner tonight

for the Filet Mignon Award for Best Beef.

From "Overcompensating,"

please welcome Benito Skinner.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

Do not sit down.

I'm here to present the award

for Best Way to Ride With Your Bitches.

Since the beginning of time,

bitches have had to get from point A to point B,

from cave girl bitches hunting and gathering with their besties

to horse and buggy bitches

traveling on the Oregon Trail

like, "Bitch, are we about to get dysentery?"

Tonight we honor their legacy with the nominees

for Best Way to Ride With Your Bitches.

And the Culch goes to...

big van that Housewives take to go on trips.

[ cheers and applause ]

ANNOUNCER: Accepting are the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

**

**

Wow. We actually won something, you guys.

You guys have seven of these, right?

You have seven? Seven for all of us.

I mean, I wouldn't want to ride in a big van

with anyone else but you ladies.

Aw, so sweet.

I would even fly coach with you guys.

No, you wouldn't, Lisa.

So whether it's Mary eating McDonald's...

Or Lisa losing her $60,000 ring...

Or someone recording us...

TOGETHER: [Bleep] hits the fan in the sprinter van.

Thank you, Culture Awards.

[ Cheers and applause ]

ANNOUNCER: Fresh from considering an abstract notion,

from "Fantasmas," it's Julio Torres.

I am here to present

the award for Most Thrilling Threat.

And I'd say the nominees myself,

but see, I can't

because I'm not a very threatening person.

I'm actually rather...

shy.

[ laughter ]

**

So here to threaten us all with the nominees

for Most Thrilling Threat is the one and only Kate Berlant.

[ thunder crashes ]

But you're not attracted to the person.

And finally...

[ thunder crashes ]

[ cheers and applause ]

And the Culch goes to...

"If I ever see you again, I am going to kill you."

**

"If I ever see you again, I'm going to kill you"

could not be here tonight

because it's a concept and not a real thing.

But I'm so honored to accept this award on its behalf.

And thank you for the opportunity,

seriously, for giving me the opportunity to perform.

[ cheers and applause ]

ANNOUNCER: Walking tonight's third nominated Outfit of the Year,

it's Lisa Rinna in the "Protect the Dolls" T-shirt.

**

**

Up next,

Parvati Shallow and a tribute to those whose publicists

could not get it together.

What is this, the Culture Awards?

Yes.

The Culture Awards is presented by VW.

Now anybody can drive like somebody.

And now a few other Culture Awards winners tonight.

Best Way to be Together -- Blood relative family reunion.

"We could see 'Boop!'" Award for Best Thing to See --

"John Proctor is the Villain."

Tina Turner Legend Award -- Audra McDonald.

Are you kidding me? I can't even believe it.

To be mentioned in the same breath as the Tina Turner?

ANNOUNCER: She's a survivor, a traitor,

and her last name is a Gaga song.

Please welcome Parvati Shallow.

I'm here to present the Eva Longoria Award

for Tiny Woman, Huge Impact.

A well-known fact about me is that I am the first ever

"Survivor" winner with prom queen vibes.

[ cheers and applause ]

A lesser-known fact about me is that I'm 5'7",

which is bigger than a baby but smaller than a condo.

So even though I tower over tonight's nominees,

I stand tall as their ally.

[ laughter ]

Here are the nominees

for the Eva Longoria Award for Tiny Woman, Huge Impact.

And the Culch goes to...

Quinta Brunson.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

Thank you. I am...

I am so proud to accept this award.

We as a culture,

we don't talk about how hard it is to take up space

when you physically do not take up much space.

And I promise to stay at the optimal height

for stealing people's phones in crowds,

which I have done.

And I have been doing in West Hollywood

for the past three years.

[ laughter ]

To my fellow nominees, [speaks indistinctly]

"Boop!" the musical,

Sabrina the Carpenter, AO the C,

you are all my short queens.

And I want to say to every bathroom mirror

that told me I couldn't see, I can see me now.

And I want to thank you all so much for my beautiful award.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

While tonight has been

a beautiful celebration of culture,

we cannot forget the ones we love who have passed.

Not passed away, but passed on being here tonight.

Because they had other [bleep] to do.

So now with a musical tribute,

we remember our friends who wanted to be here,

but not bad enough.

This is...

BOTH: In absentia.

**

**

* I could stay awake *

* Just to hear you breathing *

* Watch you smile while you are sleeping *

* While you're far away and dreaming *

* I could spend my life *

* In this sweet surrender *

* I could stay lost in this moment *

* Forever *

* Every moment spent with you is a moment *

* I treasure *

* Don't wanna close my eyes *

* I don't wanna to fall asleep *

* 'Cause I'd miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna miss a thing *

* 'Cause even when I dream of you *

* The sweetest dream would never do *

* I'd still miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna miss a thing *

Matt, Bowen, I'm so sorry I couldn't be at your show.

But I have a good reason. Because I'm in Mallorca!

*Lying close to you *

BOTH: * Feeling your heart beating *

* And I'm wondering what you're dreaming *

* Wondering if it's me you're seeing *

* Then I kiss your eyes *

* And thank God we're together *

* And I just wanna stay with you *

* In this moment forever *

* Forever and ever *

Matt and Bowen, I wanted to come to your awards so bad,

but not as badly as I want it to be on a boat

in the Balearic Islands, in Spain, bitch.

Hi, Matt and Bowen and all the nominees.

I am gutted that I cannot be there with you today.

I am on vacation.

BOTH: * I don't want to close my eyes *

* I don't wanna to fall asleep *

* 'Cause I'd miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna miss a thing *

* 'Cause even when I dream of you *

* The sweetest dream will never do *

* I'd still miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna miss a thing *

TOGETHER: Hey, it's Katseye.

Hey, Culture Awards.

We wish we could have been there,

but we've just had such a busy schedule slaying.

Yeah, but to the two old men,

old enough to be our two gay fathers...

We just want to say thank you to Matt and Bowen

for being violently obsessed with us.

We respect our elders.

BOTH: * I don't wanna miss one smile *

* I don't wanna miss one kiss *

* Yeah, I just wanna be with you *

* Right here with you *

* Just like this *

* And I just wanna hold you close *

* I feel your heart so close to mine *

* And just stay here in this moment *

* For all the rest of time *

TOGETHER: * Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Don't wanna close my eyes *

* Don't wanna fall asleep *

* 'Cause I'd miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna miss a thing *

* 'Cause even when I dream of you *

* The sweetest dream would never do *

* I'd still miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna miss a thing *

Hey, Matt. Hey, Bowen. Sorry I can't be there.

I'm taking a pregnancy test.

[ toilet flushes]

Bowen, you bitch!

I'm not over it. That's why I'm not there.

Matt knows exactly what I'm talking.

TOGETHER: * Don't wanna close my eyes *

* I don't wanna fall asleep *

* 'Cause I'd miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna miss a thing *

[ cheers and applause ]

Lucy Dacus, everyone!

Welcome back.

You love our next presenter as Palm from "Palm Royale."

For the first time tonight, Kristen Wiig.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

26 years ago, my best friend took me out to lunch

on my birthday,

and we had just seen the movie "Drop Dead Gorgeous."

And I remember when we were at the restaurant,

I saw this beautiful woman and I said,

"Oh, I think that's the lady from the movie, I love her."

And he said, "Well, go say hi." And never done that before.

I walked over to her and I said I'm a fan.

And I loved her in the movie,

and I was so excited to meet her.

And she was so kind.

And that beautiful, kind actress is the person

we are honoring tonight,

Dame Allison Janney.

[ cheers and applause ]

Yeah.

I mean, that would have been such a better story

if you were so mean to me, but...

And I would have told it.

But to no surprise to anyone who knows her,

Janney smiled and was sweet and I never forgot it.

Alison, to put it simply, you are an elevator.

Stay with me.

And not just because I'd ride you up and down a building,

because I would.

It's because you actually elevate each

and every single project, every character,

every line of dialogue that comes out of your mouth.

On "Palm Royale,"

I have to pinch myself sometimes when I'm in a scene with you.

I pray you know how much I love and admire you.

I could list your brilliant contributions --

"The West Wing," "I, Tonya,"

"The Diplomat," "Juno," "The Help."

Yes, there is honestly too many to get through,

but we have run into a problem.

Your career is so vast,

we were unable to encapsulate it in a clip package.

Also, the show couldn't afford it.

But we did find a solution.

It is my great pleasure to present tonight's

very worthy Lifetime of Culture recipient, Allison Janney,

with something we are calling a moving tribute.

**

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[ cheers and applause ]

Please welcome to the stage

this year's Lifetime of Culture recipient, Allison Janney.

**

**

**

Oh, my God.

I don't think anything better

will ever happen to me in my life.

That was extraordinary. And, oh, my God.

May I just say that after I think 30 years,

I am finally excited to receive an award --

No -- that is worthy of accepting

while not wearing any pants.

[ cheers and applause ]

Bowen and Matt, thank you so much for having me here tonight.

You don't really sit around thinking about your impact

on culture, you know?

But thanks to you and this very sparkly award --

This is [bleep] gorgeous.

I could wear it as a hat.

[ cheers and applause ]

Nope. Can't do it.

I want to thank Kristen for being here.

Working with her on "Palm Royale,"

you guys, you all know she is magic

and I love her very much for being here tonight.

And just FYI,

the next season of "Palm Royale" is coming out in the fall.

It's going to be spectacular. So please, all watch it. Please.

I can't believe all these people up there too.

I have an -- I've had an incredibly lucky life,

and I've had the opportunity of working

with so many amazing people and one parakeet and --

But seriously, I've always said that acting is a team sport,

and working in an ensemble with a community of artists

brings me more joy than anything I ever could have imagined.

And to have my work become part of the cultural zeitgeist

and recognized by the Las Culturistas community...

[ cheers and applause ]

...it's incredibly humbling

and probably my favorite award show I've ever attended.

And I love you all. Thank you so much.

Good night.

**

ANNOUNCER: Walking tonight's fourth nominated Outfit of the Year,

it's Lisa Rinna as a pretty girl getting coffee

in just sweatpants and a tank top.

Up next, a huge global gay announcement

that will change the world forever

and could only happen on the Culture Awards.

ANNOUNCER: They'll occasionally have dinner if they're in the same city.

Please welcome Culture Award winners

Joel Kim Booster and D'Arcy Carden.

At every award show, there's an opportunity to make history.

And we've arrived at that moment.

It's time to announce, once and for all,

Stitch's pronouns.

In Stitch's words,

"Meega nala kweesta the gender binary."

Translation --

I want to destroy the gender binary.

[ cheers and applause ]

Stich also said "Okie-taka my chosen 'ohana."

Translation -- "Let's do it, my chosen family."

In this envelope is the official announcement.

Oh, my God, this is so exciting!

Holy [bleep]

Stitch's pronouns are...

Get it open, get it open.

Sorry.

BOTH: Ahh/ehh!

[ cheers and applause ]

Congratulations, Stitch!

ANNOUNCER: Leave her alone, bitch.

She's presenting at the Culture Awards.

It's Renée Rapp.

Okay, let's get down to business. Get serious.

Pants. Fingers.

Shego from "Kim Possible."

Right.

If these words mean something to you, you might be a lesbian.

Raise your hand. Okay.

Side effects of being a lesbian might include short nails,

political activism, and hours and hours and hours

and literally so many hours of talking

after you've resolved the issue.

So much so that it turns into a different one.

I'm here to present the Renée Rapp Award

for Power in Lesbianism.

It's true.

They really let me do [bleep] like this.

Here are the nominees.

And the Culch goes to...

Ah, a shoo-in.

Probably your grandma

even though she was married to your grandpa for 50 years.

[ cheers and applause ]

Well, your grandma couldn't be here tonight because she's dead.

She's dead. She's in heaven.

But she did send a speech, which I will read now.

"Hi, sweetie. It's Memaw. I'm sorry you had to find out

that I'm a big futch switch granola lesbian.

But the good news is that I'm in heaven

with my girlfriend, Amelia Earhart.

And lesbian sex is amazing. Scissoring is real.

Love, Memaw."

All right. Thank you.

Stream my new album if you have taste.

[ cheers and applause ]

ANNOUNCER: This is literally my sister and I would die for him,

I swear to God.

From "Therapuss," Jake Shane.

When the pilgrims landed all those years ago

at Plymouth Rock, right,

they thought they invented Massachusetts.

They were dead-ass wrong.

The person who did invent it is Jensen McRae.

Here to perform her song "Massachusetts,"

it's our final nominee for Record of the Year.

Accompanied by her brother, Holden,

please welcome Jensen McRae.

[ Cheers and applause ]

**

**

* When someone tells me they're from Massachusetts *

* Now I always ask, "What part?" *

* I wonder if you kept the pilgrim ashtray *

* If it's still propped up on your bar cart *

* Could make a grand off of the chain you bought me *

* But goddamn, it's not for sale *

* When someone asks me who's my favorite Batman *

* I'll think of you and say, "Christian Bale" *

* As long as I live, I'll remember the names *

* Of your favorite beers and your video games *

* The look on your face when you turned 26 *

* And your dad got too stoned *

* Yeah, that one's gonna stick *

* You broke me to pieces, but I root for you *

* Even though everything went up in flames *

* I'll never forget how I bloomed for your gaze *

* Or your wall of guitars or your video games *

* Or your video games *

* Or your video games *

**

* At least I'm treading water and not about to drown *

* I'm not trying to find you, babe, you're just around *

* Everything reminds me of you, even now *

* Even now, even now *

* As long as I live, I'll remember the names *

* Of your favorite beers and your video games *

* The fire in my gut that I've chased ever since *

* You set the bar *

* You're gonna stick *

[ cheers and applause ]

ANNOUNCER: You can almost go to bed.

But first, Law Roach and the award for Record of the Year.

Only on the Culture Awards.

Here are a few other winners presented by T-Mobile.

"Titanic" Award for Monoculture --

rotisserie chicken.

Scariest Moment in History --

"Hereditary," lil diva head come off.

Most Iconic Building or Structure --

Universal Helios Grand Hotel, a Loews Hotel, Epic Universe.

Album of the Year -- "Mayhem," Lady Gaga.

Best Vibe, Hands Down -- Seth Meyers.

I want to thank Matt and Bowen for my Culch.

I also want to thank my fellow nominees, especially Doechii.

Really hoping this will lead to her and I collaborating soon.

Also, I don't know why I framed this so close.

Should've I checked the shot before we started filming.

But what's done is done. I love you guys.

**

Our next presenter is an architect of fashion.

What are you an architect of, buildings? Who cares?

Yeah. Bow down to Law Roach.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

Hello. Thank you.

I've seen some looks tonight,

but I've also seen way more attempts.

[ laughter ]

Ha ha!

The nominees for Outfit of the Year are...

[ cheers and applause ]

The Culch goes to...

Lisa Rinna in whatever the [bleep] she wants.

**

**

[Bleep]

This is my first award

since I won the Soap Opera Digest Award

a really long time ago.

All right, I have to thank my stylist, Daniel Brown.

Thank you so much.

I have to thank my husband, Harry Hamlin.

Ah.

My girls Delilah Belle and Amelia Gray.

Are you kidding me?

My biggest inspiration and my greatest pride.

And I know my mom,

Lois, is somewhere right up there tonight.

Probably dancing her ass off.

Yes, Lois, I love you.

And one last thing.

Please support our trans siblings by getting

your "Protect the Dolls" T-shirts.

[ cheers and applause ]

Thank you. Thank you.

ANNOUNCER: The winner of the Father Award.

Daddy's home. Welcome back, Andy Cohen.

I didn't know I won the Father Award.

All right.

That was great. Give it up again for Lisa Rinna.

That was so good.

Tonight you've seen truly incredible performances

of all five of the nominees,

including the last performance ever of "Abracadabra."

Sorry if you have tickets to the Mayhem Ball.

It is what it is.

Here are the nominees for the final award of the night,

Record of the Year.

And the Culch goes to...

"Abracadabra."

Here to accept is not Lady Gaga.

**

Wow. Hi. It's Matt and Bowen again.

You might recognize us from the entire show.

We just want to say we miss you, Mother Monster.

We accept this on your behalf.

We know that you are proud of us

just for getting through the song.

Thank you, Gaga.

And thank you, everyone for an incredible night.

I want to thank everyone who worked behind the scenes,

all our presenters, our nominees, our performers,

everyone who worked on the show.

And most of all,

we want to thank you guys, all of you, for watching.

Now give these real awards to Lady Gaga, you cowards.

We love you! BOTH: Goodnight!

**

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