All language subtitles for Las.Culturistas.Culture.Awards.2025.2025.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

BOWEN: T-minus 10, 9, 8,

4, 3, 6...

It's time for releasings.

Penetrating in 2, 1, 0.

Go.

Blast off into my orbit.

MATT: It's culture's
biggest night,

depending on who you ask.

The 2025 Las Culturistas
Culture Awards have arrived,

hosted by...

BOWEN: Ground control.
Ground control to the boys.

MATT: Featuring...

We're in deep, deep space.

BOWEN: Captain, deeper.

Ultrasonic lesbionic.

MATT:
Who's driving this thing?

Oh, [bleep], we're lost.

With performances
of the nominees

for Record of the Year from...

...and surprise guests.

Plus, we honor
comedy legend Kenan Thompson

with the Titan of Culture Award.

BOWEN: And the singular
Allison Janney receives

the Lifetime of Culture Award.

The Culture Award starts
in 10, 9, 8 --

oh, my counting is off --
right now!

[ epic music plays ]

**

**

[ cheers and applause ]

Good evening, everyone.
Tonight is historic.

We just landed
in the Blue Origin Too.

That means we are
the first gay men in full glam

to go to space.

[ cheers and applause ]

And we couldn't have done it
without you, Andy.

I'm sure this isn't the first
time you've heard this,

but thank you for
that incredible 12-minute ride.

You're welcome.
You guys got this, okay?

Wait, Andy,
are you saying that tonight

we have the keys
to Bravo?

[ cheers and applause ]

And therefore,
by corporate extension, Peacock?

[ cheers and applause ]

Yes, boys,
tonight it's all yours.

Listen, don't do anything
I wouldn't do, okay?

Good luck, guys.

Thanks, Andy. You want to take
these for us, actually?

Can you grab these?
Thanks so much.

Can you handle that?
Hey, thanks, man.

Andy Cohen, everybody!

Captain Andrew Cohen!

[ cheers and applause ]

Wow. "Don't do anything
I wouldn't do,"

says the man
who once asked Shaq

how big his dick was
on television.

Well, I guess that means
we can get away with a lot.

Shall we slip into something
marginally more comfortable?

[ cheers and applause ]

Welcome to the first televised

Las Culturistas Culture Awards!

The only awards show
where no one will thank God.

We're here to prove that
every podcast should also be TV.

And everything on TV
should be a gay fever dream.

Speaking of, I'm Bowen Yang.
You might know me from "SNL."

And my name is Matt Rogers,

and I'd say my vibe is
more "Mad TV."

We are thrilled
to host you this evening

at the legendary Orpheum Theatre
in Downtown Los Angeles,

tucked between a Chick-fil-A
and a Massage Envy.

We are also the hosts of the
podcast "Las Culturistas."

And if you've never heard of
"Las Culturistas,"

it's like Andy Cohen and
Anderson Cooper on New Year's,

but more diverse.

[ laughter ]

Because I'm Greek!

This whole award-show thing
actually started as a bit.

One day, on a whim,
we just decided to announce

a bunch of random nominees

in a bunch
of random categories.

We never intended
to do a real award show at all.

No. But here we are, thanks
to the honestly terrifying

Swiftie-level dedication
of our fans.

But you know, our audience is
so much more expansive

than you might think.

It's women with jobs,

women at home,

women with babies,

women freezing their eggs,

women who drive to work,

women who drive home
from work,

and every gay guy
in the world.

But you might still be asking
yourself, or rather,

your boyfriend next to you
on the couch might be asking,

"Wait, what the [bleep]
is this?"

Well, Mike, John, or Kev,

we have literally everything
the Grammys and Emmys have,

except the "Chicken Shop" girl
on the red carpet.

Amelia, if you're watching,
you hurt me.

I had to find out
on YouTube

that you were dating
a lot of other people.

And I [bleep] the glambot.

So that's why it can come.

And here,
time is irrelevant.

This year at the Grammys,
Beyoncé won Album of the Year.

[ cheers and applause ]

But at the Culture Awards,

"Flowers" by Miley Cyrus,
a song from two years ago,

is nominated
for Song of the Summer.

So this evening's
ceremony will be,

just to use
some technical terms,

random source,

cuckoo-lulu,

she gone.

Here we award the film
"The Substance,"

but also the spirit tunnel
from "The Jennifer Hudson Show."

Matt, I'm realizing we haven't
even defined what culture is.

Right. Well, it's actually
Rule of Culture Number 1.

TOGETHER:
Culture is when...

What are some other
Rules of Culture?

Well, let's fly through some,
shall we?

Rule of Culture Number 16.

Rule of Culture Number 76.

And Rule of Culture
Number 104.

[ cheers and applause ]

And look, we just want to
take a moment to say

we know there are a lot
of devastating things going on

in the world right now.

But here, politics will only

silently linger
in the background,

like when you're watching
"Real Housewives" thinking,

wait, who do you think
she voted for?

I mean, she has a gay son,
but they have a private plane.

Right. And the husband has
the tax stuff,

but then she's
at the Pride parade.

Right, and she's dancing
with the gay son.

Whatever.
She's funny.

Yeah.

And look, no award show
would be complete

without some gorgeous
little Hollywood thang here

to pass out the awards.

So please welcome
your Miss Culturista,

the legendary...

TOGETHER:
Patti Harrison!

[ cheers and applause ]

Ah! It's so heavy!

Yeah, sorry about that,
Patti.

So, the Culture Award is
literally a West Elm doorstop

that we yassified
with spray paint and glue.

And this is real.

The Cultch holds the record
for heaviest trophy

in award-show history.
Yeah.

Give it up for your
Miss Culturista, Patti Harrison!

Well, Matt,
tonight is an opportunity

for us to live out our
number-one pop-culture fantasy.

So go on, say it.
What's yours?

Well, I know he's
kind of a problematic king,

but I guess I've always wanted
Jack Bauer from "24"

to grab me by the throat,
slam me against a hard wall,

and scream,
"Where is she?!"

[ laughter ]

But I guess that's probably
not a very realistic dream.

Well, hey, let me try.
[ clears throat ]

[ gently ] Hey, do you
know where she is?

[ normal voice ] That sucked.
Acting is hard.

Yeah.
Never mind.

Anyway, Bowen, uh,
what's your pop-culture fantasy?

Oh, well, I guess
my pop-culture fantasy would be

if we were on stage
in Downtown LA

at the majestic
Orpheum Theatre.

Patti would be dressed
as the lady in red,

and the two of us would sing
"Abracadabra" by Lady Gaga.

But I...

I guess that last part
just isn't realistic either.

[ "Abracadabra" plays ]

**

[ cheers and applause ]

And the category is...

Dance or Die.

* Abra-ca-dabra,
abracadabra *

* Abra-ca-dabra,
abracadabra *

* Pay the toll to the angels *

* Drawing circles
in the clouds *

* Keep your mind
on the distance *

* When the devil
turns around *

* Hold me in your heart
tonight *

* In the magic
of the dark moonlight *

* Save me from
this empty fight *

* In the game of life *

* Like a poem said
by a lady in red *

* You hear the last few words
of your life *

* With a haunting dance,
now we're both in a trance *

* Time to cast your spell
on the night *

Let's go.
Let's go!

* Abracadabra,
amor-ooh-na-na *

* Abracadabra, morta-ooh-ga-ga *

* Abracadabra,
abra-ooh-na-na *

* In her tongue she said,
"Death or love tonight" *

* Abra-ca-dabra,
abracadabra *

* Abra-ca-dabra,
abracadabra *

* Feel the beat
under your feet *

* The floor's on fire *

* Abra-ca-dabra,
abracadabra *

* Phantom of the dance floor *

* Come to me *

* Sing to me a sinful *

* Melody *

* Ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah *

* Ahhhhh *

* Ah, ah, ah, ah *

* Ah, ah, ah, ah *

Let's go.

* Abracadabra,
amor-ooh-na-na *

* Abracadabra, morta-ooh-ga-ga *

* Abracadabra,
abra-ooh-na-na *

* In her tongue she said *

* "Death or love tonight" *

[ cheers and applause ]

Now put your hands together

for our first presenter
of the night.

She's literally Mindy
from "The Mindy Project."

And she's actually friends
with our friend Chris.

Please welcome...

TOGETHER:
Mindy Kayling!

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

That was the best dancing
I've ever seen in my life.

[ laughter ]

Guys, I am here to present
the award for the...

Film has been around
for over 28 years...

[ laughter ]

...and still impacts
our culture,

despite how awesome
our phones are.

In fact,
you're probably watching

on your phone right now.

Wait, what did she just say?

It's fine.
Rewind it, or don't.

Here are the nominees
for Most Amazing Impact in Film.

And the Cultch goes to...

...Jeff Goldblum's chest,
"Jurassic Park."

**

**

**

Wow.

[ cheers and applause ]

Once again,

I have vanquished AI
with my human je ne sais quoi.

"Jurassic Park" had
the T-Rex and Laura Dern.

And you gay people
still chose my chest.

Wow. Incredible.

Come to think of it,
can I hand this to you?

Can I -- there.

[ cheers and applause ]

No, this award isn't even
for me.

It's really for my -- my chest.

So it is only fitting that,
uh...

[ cheers and applause ]

[ audience chanting "Do it!" ]

Uh, always leave them
wanting more.

I thank you, Culture Awards.
Thank you so much.

[ cheers and applause ]

MATT: When we come back,
Dave Franco and Alison Brie.

Plus Kenan Thompson is honored
as the Titan of Culture.

The party's just getting started

here on the Las Culturistas
Culture Awards.

And now some other winners
tonight,

Presented by T-Mobile.

I am honored
to accept this 2025

Las Culturistas Daddy Award

on behalf of the men
of "The Four Seasons."

I am proud that our show
offers something for everyone --

a classic silver fox,
a fashion icon,

European/beautiful feet,

and, of course,
the only other sexual type,

Gen-X "SNL" weirdo.

[ cheers and applause ]

MATT: Come together to welcome
the stars

of the new film "Together,"

together for the first time,
Dave Franco and Alison Brie.

We are here to present the
category for Best Batman Woman.

And I think everyone
in this room can agree

that the best part of Batman is,
of course, the women.

[ cheers and applause ]

I mean, who can even name
a man from Batman?

Joker.
Babe, babe.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

[ laughs ]

You would be hard pressed
to name another man

that anyone cares about
from --

Two-Face, Riddler,
Penguin...
Oh, my God.

Um...
Honey, stop!

I -- Okay.

[ laughter ]

[ mutters indistinctly ]

Just don't.

[ laughter and applause ]

This year's nominees
for Best Batman Woman

encompass the full spectrum
of Gotham femininity.

Here are the nominees
for Best Batman Woman.

And the Cultch goes to...

Robyn!
Robyn,
the Riddler's assistant!

**

**

[ laughter ]

**

**

**

**

Oh, my God.
[ laughs ]

Oh, wow. Um...

Wow. I was really betting
on Uma. Um...

I cry easily. Okay.
So, yes.

I am Robyn,
the Riddler's assistant.

Uh, I want to start off
by saying, surprisingly,

he is a great boss.

Um, but also, you know,

because of the way he talks,
a little confusing.

Um, well, you're probably
wondering, what do I do?

Um, mostly

sourcing different
question-mark stickers.

Uh, you know, I have to put
them on everything,

all over town
whenever he's been anywhere.

Um, I used to just
cut up magazines, you know,

to write his ransom letters,

but, hey, now I use Canva.
[ chuckles ]

Um, this award isn't for me.

It's for all the women
that are in the background.

And you know who you are!

[ music playing ]

No, no, no, no!
You're not gonna play me off.

This is for all the women
who type,

who have to help their bosses
into tight, shiny outfits,

who stay up late wondering,

is Gotham New York?

It is, right.
It's New York, right?

You know what?
I'm a woman.

I'll Google it.

[ cheers and applause ]

Lastly, I want to say
thank you to this show.

I don't know where I am
or what this is,

but I do know this must have
been started

by women for women.

So a final thank you
to the two ladies

of "Los Culturisias."

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

Here to present tonight's
Titan of Culture Award,

please welcome --
I hope I'm saying this right --

Amy Bryan.

Sorry.
Aidan Brownman.

Sorry. Our friend...

TOGETHER:
Aidy Bryant!

**

**

Why are we here tonight?

The railroad,

coal, steel, oil,

and intercontinental
ballistic missiles.

Sure, these are a few
of our favorite things,

but each was given to us
by a titan of industry.

Now, only men can be titans.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

And gay guys are
not a part of that.

[ laughter ]

But there is one
other kind of titan --

a titan of culture,

a warrior of hope

who is unafraid
to ask the question,

"Ooooooh-wee,

what isup with that?"

[ cheers and applause ]

Of course, I am speaking
of tonight's

Titan of Culture winner,
Kenan Thompson.

[ cheers and applause ]

Here we have just
a few examples

of how he has lifted
the human spirit with his art.

Good evening, and welcome
to "Cinema Classics."

I am Reese Da-What?

- What?
- * What's up with that? *

- Why?
- Why?!

- Really?!
- Comedy is in my genes.

- [ scatting ]
- Oooh!

* What did the pumpkin say
at his Halloween? *

* More *

[ cellphone rings ]
Oh, hang on.

Ketchup!
Chocolate!

Ketchup!

Choc-o-late!

Time to dance!

* Okay *

**

[ speaking gibberish ]

And we all have a big lunch.

Oh, my goodness, you!

Damn. Damn!
Damn!

We have mofongo.

-Eh?
-What?

Mangukotontones.

I'm taking a bath!

Okay, yeah.
Oh, that's nasty.

They told me to escar-go away.

Say, burrito are spicy.

Oh!

[ cheers and applause ]

He has been a star
for decades,

a mentor to so many.

Put your hands together
for the Culture Awards'

Titan of Culture,
Kenan Thompson!

**

**

[ cheers and applause ]

Gave the Black man
the black one.

[ laughter ]

Thank you very much.
Wow.

This is amazing.
This is amazing.

Uh, yes, it is I,
thespian Kenan Thompson.

You know me from my work,

including
but not limited to the words,

"Tweedle-dee-doo"...

"What?!"...

"Shut up!"...

"No! My Gucci shoes!"...

...and, "Ooh-wee,
what's up with that?"

[ cheers and applause ]

It really is a dream come true

for me to win a Las Culturistas
Culture Award.

Thank you to
Aidy "Sweet Baby" Bryant.

[ cheers and applause ]

Uh, Aidy was on "SNL"
for 10 years.

That's right.

And that is only 190 years
less than me.

Uh, I have been on your TV
for forever.

I'm going to be in your hearts
for even longer, I hope.

Enjoy your evening.
Lyle Roach in the building.

What's up, player?

Have a great night.
Thank you very much.

**

**

Hey, Matt, I have to say, your
outfit looks amazing tonight.

Bo, so does yours.

Unfortunately,
neither of our looks

are nominated
for Outfit of the Year.

Damn. Sucks.

But throughout the night,
we'll be seeing the outfits

that arenominated with
the help of a true superstar.

Here to walk tonight's first
nominee for Outfit of the Year,

Demi Moore's yellow coat
from "The Substance,"

please welcome actress,
fashion force,

and cultural icon...

TOGETHER:
Lisa Rinna!

**

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

BOWEN: Coming up --
Jamie Lee Curtis

and a performance by Remi Wolf.

It's all happening
on the Culture Awards.

MATT: The Culture Awards
is presented by...

the Casamigos Margarita,

the anytime, anywhere margarita.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

Well, it's that moment
in the show

where we welcome
the accountants.

That's when two regular people
with no star quality

come out
and hold a briefcase.

But we don't have
accountants,

so the amazing folks
at Dunkin' let us use theirs.

Give it up
for Brian and Chocolate.

They're tabulating the votes
as we speak.

Oh, and look,
they brought their intern.

Hmm. I wonder
how the munchkin got their job.

I heard their mom
works there.

TOGETHER:
Nepo!

And just like that,
it's time for our next award.

Here to present the
Jamie Lee Curtis Award

for Gusto, Enthusiasm,
and Individuality...

From the upcoming
"Freakier Friday,"

give it up
for Jamie Lee Curtis!

**

**

Hi, everybody!

Hi, there.
My name is Jamie Lee Curtis.

[ cheers and applause ]

MAN: Yeah!

Okay.

I got rid of my pom-poms,
but I kept my pom-poms,

you know what I'm saying?

When I finally [bleep] killed
Michael Myers...

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

...and turned him
into Hamburger Helper

in "Halloween Ends,"
what did I do it with?

AUDIENCE:
Gusto!

I'm sorry?!

AUDIENCE:
Gusto!

Thank you.
Much better.

Now, when I was asked to switch
bodies with Lindsay Lohan

in "Freaky Friday,"

I did it with...

AUDIENCE:
Enthusiasm!

Oh, yeah, baby.

And I am very enthusiastic
about "Freakier Friday,"

which is hitting the theaters,
in movie theaters, August 8th.

Yes!

And my costume in "Everything
Everywhere All at Once,"

apparently that is...

AUDIENCE:
Individuality!

Yeah. So, let's see
how these people stack up.

Here are the nominees.

And the Cultch goes to...

Womencrafts Provincetown.

**

**

**

**

[ laughter ]

Uh, hi there, hi.

I'm, uh, I'm Mary Kate.

Um, I'm one of the gals over
at Womencrafts Provincetown.

We are a lesbian-owned bookshop.

[ cheers and applause ]

Uh, we sell books and gifts
and a bunch of other fun crap.

Um, so if you're in P-Town
for Bear Week, come on down.

[ cheers and applause ]

If you're in P-Town
for Pig Week, also come on down.

Or if you're a pup
or you're a twink or a daddy,

you know what,
just come on down.

We've got RBG mugs.

We got Amanda Gorman
votive candles.

Poly Week is coming up, so if
you're coming, come on down.

We've got four-for-one
Kamala shirts.

Prove you're poly and grab
a Kamala shirt, everyone.

Thank you, I guess.
It's an honor.

Save NPR. Okay.

[ cheers and applause ]

I want to take this moment
to announce

that the winner of
the Most Bowen Yang Coded Award

was stew -- all.

Wow.
Thank you.

I want to thank everyone
who voted,

which is you and me.

And I'm also happy
to announce the winner

of the Most Matt Rogers
Coded award

was soup -- all.

Oh, my God!

This is huge.

Soup is my favorite food,

and it's also
my favorite song.

Here to perform Record
of the Year nominee "Soup"

is Remi Wolf.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ "Soup" plays ]

**

* Ah, ah *

* Ah, ah *

* Ah, ah *

* Stay, stick around *

* Please don't get
in your car *

* If a plane's on the ground *

* It can never really
get that far *

* I can't help
but make it about me *

* Oh, and you and I
are together *

* Now I'm cleaning off
the dirt on my feet *

* And I'm hoping
that I'm getting better *

* Until I'm *

* Doing business
on the top of the roof *

* They told me to leave *

* But I don't wanna leave
without you *

* And you're so patient
with the animals, too *

* If you give me your keys *

* I'll go
and I'll pick up the soup *

* Oh, oh *

* Oh, oh, oh, whoa *

* I don't wanna
live without you *

* Oh, oh *

* Oh, oh, oh, whoa *

* I don't wanna *

* I can never do
what you wanted, baby *

* Oh, oh, oh *

* No, I could never do
what you wanted, baby *

* No, no, no *

* I say, na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na, na-na-na *

* Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na-na *

* Na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na, na-na-na *

* Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na-na *

* Na-na *

* I'm doing business
on the top of the roof *

* They told me to leave *

* But I don't wanna
leave without you *

* You're too dear to my stew *

* If you give me your keys *

* I'll go and pick up the soup *

* Oh, whoa, oh, whoa *

* I don't wanna
live without you *

* Oh, whoa, oh, whoa *

* I don't wanna live without *

[ cheers and applause ]

[ mouthing ]

Coming up next
on the Culture Awards...

That was so fun!

BOWEN:
Sarah Michelle Gellar,

Dylan Efron, and Jack Quaid --

a combination of names
you'll only find

on the Culture Awards.

MATT: The culture awards
presented by...

Dunkin' Refreshers.

**

MATT: She's the star of
"Too Much" on Netflix,

and she just told me
I was a lot.

We're in a fight.
It's Meg Stalter.

I can't find my phone.

No, I'm serious.
Like, I feel sick right now.

Can you guys look for it?

Benny Drama,
how about a little less drama,

a little more looking
for my phone? Come on.

I was hanging out with you
earlier. Let's go.

Anyways, it's my honor
to be here to present

the Allison Williams
Cool Girl Award.

[ cheers and applause ]

Just like Allison,
I also am a Lena Dunham muse.

Let's see and read the nominees.

Well, let's take a look.

I-I kind of thought I was
nominated, too, but I guess not.

It's Paige DeSorbo!

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

**

**

This is truly such an honor.

I didn't even know
that Lisa Rinna was an M&M.

But to be nominated
along with her, I was like, wow,

that is really cool.

But to be honest, every girl
in the world is a cool girl.

So whether you're a brunette
or you have long, dark hair...

[ laughter ]

...whether you're on
"Summer House"

or on "Winter House,"

um, this goes out to
all the cool girls who are me.

So thank you!

BOWEN: Please welcome
a loser tonight

for Best Gay Guy
Somewhere in Between,

the incredible Pat Regan.

Wow. Okay, before I bring out
our next guest,

I'd like to discuss my loss
this evening

for Best Gay Guy
Somewhere in Between.

I lost to Fire Island Pines
Bartender, really?

I'm emblematic
of barely famous gay guys,

and when I walk through a gate,
I make sure to leave it open

for barely famous gay guys
walking behind me.

Can Fire Island Bartender
say that?

I don't know, because
I've never been invited there,

Matt and Bowen.

But enough about me.

It's time to bring out
our actual next presenter.

Please welcome
Sarah Michelle Gellar!

**

**

Thank you.

So I know what
Idid this summer.

Yes.

I hosted the Las Culturistas
Culture Awards

Creative Arts
and Technical Ceremony...

[ laughter ]

...where we honor
breakfast foods, animals,

amusement park technology,

and the year 2023, among others.

It is my great pleasure

to call attention to some
of the winners now

so that we may celebrate them
very, verybriefly.

So, here to accept the award
for Best Word to Whisper

is Greta Titelman.

[ whispering ] Never.

[ cheers and applause ]

Exactly.

Here to accept the award
for Best Word to Scream

is Greta again.

[ screaming ]
Never!

The Best Hand Award --

Excellence in Hands --

went to 11-minute
applause breaks

at the Cannes Film Festival

and will be accepted
by Aaron Jackson.

[ cheers and applause ]

Stop clapping your hands!

That's enough!

This is too much!
Please stop!

And finally,
here to accept the award

for Most Iconic
Exchange of Words,

please welcome Real Housewife
of Salt Lake City

and pillar
of the Greek community,

Angie Katsanevas.

[ cheers and applause ]

I don't look like I have
a high body count,

and I don't dresslike I have
a high body count.

**

**

MATT: He won "The Traitors," and
the other one is a big actor.

Two guys --
Dylan Efron and Jack Quaid.

You know, uh,
I think it's pretty cool

how we're both secure enough
to take photos like that.

Hey, you're an amazing actor,
and you're tall.

Like, I love that.

Oh, thank you so much.

Of course.
You are beautiful.

And I appreciate your mind
just as much as your body.

A lesbian wrote this
for us.

[ laughter ]

And you know what?
We crushed it.

Yeah! Oh!

Here are the nominees
for the...

And the Cultch goes to...

Andy Samberg,
various.

Righteous! Yeah!
Let's go!

**

**

**

**

Okay. This slaps.

For real,
I haven't been this amped

since they announced Michael Bay
was developing

the "Skibidi Toilet" movie.

Let's [bleep] go!

[ cheers and applause ]

But in all seriousness,
I would like to be in that.

[ laughter ]

First off, I want to thank
my fellow nominees,

my fellow cis men or my
cis-ters, as I call them.

Yeah, I know that's
something else, but we want it.

Which, you know, means
historically, we will get it.

But what is straight
male excellence, you may ask?

Well, it's not that complicated,
bro.

Just do the work like I do.

Rise and grind.

When your wife hands you
a thank you card she wrote,

sign it.

And broskis,

you gotta wash your hands
at least once a week.

I'm looking at you,
fellow nominee Bernie Sanders.

[ laughter ]

You know what?
While I'm up here, screw it.

I want to do a tribute
to Bowen and Matt.

You know -- Yeah.
[ cheers and applause ]

So, uh, this is my

"I don't think so, honey."
Let's do it.

All right, here we go.

[ clears throat ]

Uh, I don't think so, honey.

"Andor" ended?

As Yoda would say,
"Think so, honey, I don't."

And that's all I got. Yeah.

Again, I just got to say
thanks to my cis men,

the cis-terhood, if you will.

And I guess this year,

cis-ters really are doing it
for themselves.

Thank you.

[ cheers and applause ]

Tonight's second nominated
outfit of the year,

it's Lisa Rinna as Timothée
Chalamet at a Knicks game.

**

**

ANNOUNCER:
When we come back,

a performance
of "Diet Pepsi"

and Sasha Colby
presents

ANNOUNCER: She is your mother.

Seriously,
your real mom gave you up.

Sorry you had to hear this way.

Here to present the award
for Best New Artist,

it's drag royalty Sasha Colby.

Hello.

My name is Sasha Colby from
the legendary House of Colby.

[ cheers and applause ]

And if you were watching
the Grammys last year,

you know that my daughter,
Chappell Roan,

won Best New Artist.

I just want to say
that I'm thrilled to announce

that whoever wins this category
will join the House of Colby

to be my next daughter.

So here are the nominees
for Best New Artist.

The Culch goes to...

[ gasps ]

Gabby Windey.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

**

**

This is not the first time

a gay man has helped me
win something.

[ cheers and applause ]

Big shout-out to Dylan Efron.

I want to thank everyone

who helped me be
the Best New Artist of the year.

Starting with my wife,
Robby Hoffman...

[ cheers and applause ]

...who made my dreams

of marrying
an old Jewish man come true.

[ laughter ]

My agents and manager

who continue to take
all of my money.

And the lesbians.

I love you, lesbians.

Thank you.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

Wow, Bowen.
It's really happening.

All our pop culture dreams
are coming true tonight.

I know.

I guess if I had
one more shot to shoot,

it would be that Casamigos
would be one of our sponsors.

Well, it came true.

Wait.

Did you know that the other part
of my dream would be

that Casamigos margaritas
would finally be in a can?

No. How could I know that?
I'm not in your head.

Okay. Sorry.

These are the nominees
for Casamigos Margaritas Award

for Things to Enjoy Anytime,
Anywhere.

And the Culch goes to...

BOTH: Podcasts!

Here to accept the award
is Paige DeSorbo again.

Oh, never mind.

We're being told
she left right away.

She's so cool.

So cool. Okay, fine.

We will gladly accept this award
on behalf of podcasts,

but we know that a lot
of people here tonight

might also have one as well.

Yeah. If you have a podcast,
please rise.

Wow. Oh, wow.
Okay.

So congrats
to literally everyone.

We are the problem.
Okay.

Our next presenter does it all.

She can dance,
act, and sing.

The only thing she can't do
is introduce herself.

So please welcome
Rachel Bloom.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

When I heard I was going to be
presenting tonight,

I literally exclaimed,
"Great news!"

But is it the best news
I've ever heard?

No.

I have a child.

And a Golden Globe.

And they tell you about
both of those beforehand.

[ laughter ]

But I'm happy to be here
to present the Culch

for the Best News We Heard.

The nominees are...

And the Culch goes to...

Oh, wow, sorry,

this is a really huge upset.

In a Culture Awards first,
a write-in candidate has won.

Um, Ben Platt is here to sing
a Record of the Year nominee.

[ cheers and applause ]

So here, with his heartbreaking
and emotional rendition

of Addison Rae's "Diet Pepsi"...

[ cheers and applause ]

...please welcome

the extraordinarily gifted
Ben Platt.

**

**

* My boy is a winner *

* He loves the game *

* My lips reflect
off his cross gold chain *

* I like the way
he's telling me *

* My ass looks good
in these ripped blue jeans *

**

**

* My cheeks are red like
cherries in the spring *

* Body's a work of art
you'd die to see *

* Untouched, XO *

* Young lust, let's -- *

* When we drive in your car,
I'm your baby *

* Losing all my innocence
in the back seat *

* Say you love, say you love,
say you love me *

* Losing all my innocence
in the back seat *

* When we drive in your car,
I'm your baby *

* Losing all my innocence
in the back seat *

* Say you love, say you love,
say you love me *

* Losing all my innocence
in the back seat *

**

* Oh *

**

* I like it from the fountain,
yeah, yeah *

* When we drive in your car,
I'm your baby *

* Losing all my innocence
in the back seat *

* Say you love, say you love,
say you love me *

* Losing all my innocence
in the back seat *

* When we drive in your car,
I'm your baby *

* Losing all my innocence
in the back seat *

* Say you love, say you love,
say you love me *

* Losing all my innocence
in the back seat *

* Ohhhh *

* Ohh *

* Oh, oh, oh *

[ cheers and applause ]

Coming up
on the Culture Awards...

**

ANNOUNCER: Coming up,
Benito Skinner, Julio Torres,

and a thrilling appearance
by Kate Berlant.

Come on, Culture Awards.

Welcome back.

Matt, wait, I'm worried that
the show has been taken over

by our corporate sponsors.

Bowen, no,
the show is going great.

Just take a deep breath,
get grounded and ask yourself,

what would
the Volkswagen Tiguan do?

[ laughter ]

Well, the Volkswagen Tiguan
would drive forward

with confidence,
comfort, and luxury.

And don't forget
wireless phone charging.

You're so good
at reminding me of what matters.

I'm probably just feeling
a little uneasy because

I haven't driven a Volkswagen
Tiguan with available head-up

display in real wood dash decor
in a few hours.

You will soon.

I love you.
I love you too.

Is what I would say
to my Volkswagen Tiguan

if it were here right now.

And now a Culch Award winner
tonight

for the Filet Mignon Award
for Best Beef.

From "Overcompensating,"

please welcome
Benito Skinner.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

Do not sit down.

I'm here to present the award

for Best Way to Ride
With Your Bitches.

Since the beginning of time,

bitches have had to get
from point A to point B,

from cave girl bitches hunting
and gathering with their besties

to horse and buggy bitches

traveling on the Oregon Trail

like, "Bitch,
are we about to get dysentery?"

Tonight we honor their legacy
with the nominees

for Best Way
to Ride With Your Bitches.

And the Culch goes to...

big van that Housewives take
to go on trips.

[ cheers and applause ]

ANNOUNCER:
Accepting are the Real
Housewives of Salt Lake City.

**

**

Wow. We actually won something,
you guys.

You guys have seven of these,
right?

You have seven?
Seven for all of us.

I mean, I wouldn't
want to ride in a big van

with anyone else
but you ladies.

Aw, so sweet.

I would even
fly coach with you guys.

No, you wouldn't,
Lisa.

So whether it's
Mary eating McDonald's...

Or Lisa losing
her $60,000 ring...

Or someone recording us...

TOGETHER: [Bleep] hits the fan
in the sprinter van.

Thank you, Culture Awards.

[ Cheers and applause ]

ANNOUNCER: Fresh from
considering an abstract notion,

from "Fantasmas,"
it's Julio Torres.

I am here to present

the award
for Most Thrilling Threat.

And I'd say the nominees myself,

but see, I can't

because I'm not
a very threatening person.

I'm actually rather...

shy.

[ laughter ]

**

So here to threaten us all
with the nominees

for Most Thrilling Threat is
the one and only Kate Berlant.

[ thunder crashes ]

But you're not attracted
to the person.

And finally...

[ thunder crashes ]

[ cheers and applause ]

And the Culch goes to...

"If I ever see you again,
I am going to kill you."

**

"If I ever see you again,
I'm going to kill you"

could not be here tonight

because it's a concept
and not a real thing.

But I'm so honored to accept
this award on its behalf.

And thank you
for the opportunity,

seriously, for giving me
the opportunity to perform.

[ cheers and applause ]

ANNOUNCER:
Walking tonight's third
nominated Outfit of the Year,

it's Lisa Rinna in
the "Protect the Dolls" T-shirt.

**

**

Up next,

Parvati Shallow and a tribute
to those whose publicists

could not get it together.

What is this,
the Culture Awards?

Yes.

The Culture Awards
is presented by VW.

Now anybody can drive
like somebody.

And now a few other
Culture Awards winners tonight.

Best Way to be Together --
Blood relative family reunion.

"We could see 'Boop!'" Award
for Best Thing to See --

"John Proctor is the Villain."

Tina Turner Legend Award --
Audra McDonald.

Are you kidding me?
I can't even believe it.

To be mentioned in the same
breath as the Tina Turner?

ANNOUNCER:
She's a survivor, a traitor,

and her last name is
a Gaga song.

Please welcome Parvati Shallow.

I'm here to present
the Eva Longoria Award

for Tiny Woman, Huge Impact.

A well-known fact about me
is that I am the first ever

"Survivor" winner
with prom queen vibes.

[ cheers and applause ]

A lesser-known fact about me
is that I'm 5'7",

which is bigger than a baby
but smaller than a condo.

So even though I tower over
tonight's nominees,

I stand tall as their ally.

[ laughter ]

Here are the nominees

for the Eva Longoria Award
for Tiny Woman, Huge Impact.

And the Culch goes to...

Quinta Brunson.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

Thank you. I am...

I am so proud
to accept this award.

We as a culture,

we don't talk about
how hard it is to take up space

when you physically do not
take up much space.

And I promise to stay
at the optimal height

for stealing people's
phones in crowds,

which I have done.

And I have been doing
in West Hollywood

for the past three years.

[ laughter ]

To my fellow nominees,
[speaks indistinctly]

"Boop!" the musical,

Sabrina the Carpenter,
AO the C,

you are all my short queens.

And I want to say
to every bathroom mirror

that told me I couldn't see,
I can see me now.

And I want to thank you all
so much for my beautiful award.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

While tonight has been

a beautiful celebration
of culture,

we cannot forget the ones
we love who have passed.

Not passed away, but
passed on being here tonight.

Because they had
other [bleep] to do.

So now with
a musical tribute,

we remember our friends
who wanted to be here,

but not bad enough.

This is...

BOTH: In absentia.

**

**

* I could stay awake *

* Just to hear you
breathing *

* Watch you smile
while you are sleeping *

* While you're far away
and dreaming *

* I could spend my life *

* In this sweet surrender *

* I could stay lost in
this moment *

* Forever *

* Every moment spent with you
is a moment *

* I treasure *

* Don't wanna close my eyes *

* I don't wanna to fall asleep *

* 'Cause I'd miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna
miss a thing *

* 'Cause even when
I dream of you *

* The sweetest dream
would never do *

* I'd still miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna
miss a thing *

Matt, Bowen, I'm so sorry
I couldn't be at your show.

But I have a good reason.
Because I'm in Mallorca!

*Lying close to you *

BOTH:
* Feeling your heart beating *

* And I'm wondering
what you're dreaming *

* Wondering if it's me
you're seeing *

* Then I kiss your eyes *

* And thank God we're together *

* And I just wanna
stay with you *

* In this moment forever *

* Forever and ever *

Matt and Bowen, I wanted to
come to your awards so bad,

but not as badly
as I want it to be on a boat

in the Balearic Islands,
in Spain, bitch.

Hi, Matt and Bowen
and all the nominees.

I am gutted that I cannot
be there with you today.

I am on vacation.

BOTH: * I don't want to close
my eyes *

* I don't wanna to fall asleep *

* 'Cause I'd miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna
miss a thing *

* 'Cause even when
I dream of you *

* The sweetest dream
will never do *

* I'd still miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna
miss a thing *

TOGETHER: Hey, it's Katseye.

Hey, Culture Awards.

We wish we could
have been there,

but we've just had
such a busy schedule slaying.

Yeah, but to the two old men,

old enough to be
our two gay fathers...

We just want to say
thank you to Matt and Bowen

for being violently obsessed
with us.

We respect our elders.

BOTH:
* I don't wanna miss one smile *

* I don't wanna miss one kiss *

* Yeah, I just wanna
be with you *

* Right here with you *

* Just like this *

* And I just wanna
hold you close *

* I feel your heart
so close to mine *

* And just stay here
in this moment *

* For all the rest of time *

TOGETHER:
* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Don't wanna close my eyes *

* Don't wanna fall asleep *

* 'Cause I'd miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna
miss a thing *

* 'Cause even when
I dream of you *

* The sweetest dream
would never do *

* I'd still miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna
miss a thing *

Hey, Matt. Hey, Bowen.
Sorry I can't be there.

I'm taking a pregnancy test.

[ toilet flushes]

Bowen, you bitch!

I'm not over it.
That's why I'm not there.

Matt knows exactly
what I'm talking.

TOGETHER:
* Don't wanna close my eyes *

* I don't wanna fall asleep *

* 'Cause I'd miss you, baby *

* And I don't wanna
miss a thing *

[ cheers and applause ]

Lucy Dacus,
everyone!

Welcome back.

You love our next presenter
as Palm from "Palm Royale."

For the first time tonight,
Kristen Wiig.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

**

26 years ago, my best friend
took me out to lunch

on my birthday,

and we had just seen
the movie "Drop Dead Gorgeous."

And I remember
when we were at the restaurant,

I saw this beautiful woman
and I said,

"Oh, I think that's the lady
from the movie, I love her."

And he said, "Well, go say hi."
And never done that before.

I walked over to her
and I said I'm a fan.

And I loved her in the movie,

and I was so excited
to meet her.

And she was so kind.

And that beautiful,
kind actress is the person

we are honoring tonight,

Dame Allison Janney.

[ cheers and applause ]

Yeah.

I mean, that would
have been such a better story

if you were so mean to me,
but...

And I would have told it.

But to no surprise
to anyone who knows her,

Janney smiled and was sweet
and I never forgot it.

Alison, to put it simply,
you are an elevator.

Stay with me.

And not just because I'd
ride you up and down a building,

because I would.

It's because you
actually elevate each

and every single project,
every character,

every line of dialogue
that comes out of your mouth.

On "Palm Royale,"

I have to pinch myself sometimes
when I'm in a scene with you.

I pray you know
how much I love and admire you.

I could list
your brilliant contributions --

"The West Wing," "I, Tonya,"

"The Diplomat," "Juno,"
"The Help."

Yes, there is honestly
too many to get through,

but we have run into a problem.

Your career is so vast,

we were unable to encapsulate it
in a clip package.

Also, the show
couldn't afford it.

But we did find a solution.

It is my great pleasure
to present tonight's

very worthy Lifetime of Culture
recipient, Allison Janney,

with something we are calling
a moving tribute.

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

[ cheers and applause ]

Please welcome to the stage

this year's Lifetime of Culture
recipient, Allison Janney.

**

**

**

Oh, my God.

I don't think anything better

will ever happen to me
in my life.

That was extraordinary.
And, oh, my God.

May I just say that
after I think 30 years,

I am finally excited
to receive an award --

No --
that is worthy of accepting

while not wearing any pants.

[ cheers and applause ]

Bowen and Matt, thank you so
much for having me here tonight.

You don't really sit around
thinking about your impact

on culture, you know?

But thanks to you
and this very sparkly award --

This is [bleep] gorgeous.

I could wear it as a hat.

[ cheers and applause ]

Nope. Can't do it.

I want to thank Kristen
for being here.

Working with her
on "Palm Royale,"

you guys,
you all know she is magic

and I love her very much
for being here tonight.

And just FYI,

the next season of "Palm Royale"
is coming out in the fall.

It's going to be spectacular.
So please, all watch it. Please.

I can't believe
all these people up there too.

I have an -- I've had
an incredibly lucky life,

and I've had the opportunity
of working

with so many amazing people
and one parakeet and --

But seriously, I've always said
that acting is a team sport,

and working in an ensemble
with a community of artists

brings me more joy than anything
I ever could have imagined.

And to have my work become
part of the cultural zeitgeist

and recognized by the
Las Culturistas community...

[ cheers and applause ]

...it's incredibly humbling

and probably my favorite
award show I've ever attended.

And I love you all.
Thank you so much.

Good night.

**

ANNOUNCER:
Walking tonight's fourth
nominated Outfit of the Year,

it's Lisa Rinna
as a pretty girl getting coffee

in just sweatpants
and a tank top.

Up next,
a huge global gay announcement

that will change
the world forever

and could only happen
on the Culture Awards.

ANNOUNCER:
They'll occasionally have dinner
if they're in the same city.

Please welcome
Culture Award winners

Joel Kim Booster
and D'Arcy Carden.

At every award show, there's
an opportunity to make history.

And we've arrived
at that moment.

It's time to announce,
once and for all,

Stitch's pronouns.

In Stitch's words,

"Meega nala kweesta
the gender binary."

Translation --

I want to destroy
the gender binary.

[ cheers and applause ]

Stich also said "Okie-taka
my chosen 'ohana."

Translation -- "Let's do it,
my chosen family."

In this envelope is
the official announcement.

Oh, my God,
this is so exciting!

Holy [bleep]

Stitch's pronouns are...

Get it open, get it open.

Sorry.

BOTH: Ahh/ehh!

[ cheers and applause ]

Congratulations, Stitch!

ANNOUNCER:
Leave her alone, bitch.

She's presenting
at the Culture Awards.

It's Renée Rapp.

Okay, let's get down to
business. Get serious.

Pants. Fingers.

Shego from "Kim Possible."

Right.

If these words mean something
to you, you might be a lesbian.

Raise your hand. Okay.

Side effects of being a lesbian
might include short nails,

political activism,
and hours and hours and hours

and literally so many hours
of talking

after you've resolved the issue.

So much so that
it turns into a different one.

I'm here to present
the Renée Rapp Award

for Power in Lesbianism.

It's true.

They really let me do
[bleep] like this.

Here are the nominees.

And the Culch goes to...

Ah, a shoo-in.

Probably your grandma

even though she was married
to your grandpa for 50 years.

[ cheers and applause ]

Well, your grandma couldn't be
here tonight because she's dead.

She's dead. She's in heaven.

But she did send a speech,
which I will read now.

"Hi, sweetie. It's Memaw.
I'm sorry you had to find out

that I'm a big futch
switch granola lesbian.

But the good news is
that I'm in heaven

with my girlfriend,
Amelia Earhart.

And lesbian sex is amazing.
Scissoring is real.

Love, Memaw."

All right. Thank you.

Stream my new album
if you have taste.

[ cheers and applause ]

ANNOUNCER: This is literally my
sister and I would die for him,

I swear to God.

From "Therapuss," Jake Shane.

When the pilgrims landed
all those years ago

at Plymouth Rock, right,

they thought they invented
Massachusetts.

They were dead-ass wrong.

The person who did invent it
is Jensen McRae.

Here to perform her song
"Massachusetts,"

it's our final nominee
for Record of the Year.

Accompanied by her brother,
Holden,

please welcome Jensen McRae.

[ Cheers and applause ]

**

**

* When someone tells me
they're from Massachusetts *

* Now I always ask,
"What part?" *

* I wonder if
you kept the pilgrim ashtray *

* If it's still propped up
on your bar cart *

* Could make a grand off
of the chain you bought me *

* But goddamn,
it's not for sale *

* When someone asks me
who's my favorite Batman *

* I'll think of you and say,
"Christian Bale" *

* As long as I live,
I'll remember the names *

* Of your favorite beers
and your video games *

* The look on your face
when you turned 26 *

* And your dad
got too stoned *

* Yeah, that one's gonna stick *

* You broke me to pieces,
but I root for you *

* Even though
everything went up in flames *

* I'll never forget how
I bloomed for your gaze *

* Or your wall of guitars
or your video games *

* Or your video games *

* Or your video games *

**

* At least I'm treading water
and not about to drown *

* I'm not trying to find you,
babe, you're just around *

* Everything reminds me of you,
even now *

* Even now, even now *

* As long as I live,
I'll remember the names *

* Of your favorite beers
and your video games *

* The fire in my gut that
I've chased ever since *

* You set the bar *

* You're gonna stick *

[ cheers and applause ]

ANNOUNCER:
You can almost go to bed.

But first, Law Roach and the
award for Record of the Year.

Only on the Culture Awards.

Here are a few other winners
presented by T-Mobile.

"Titanic" Award
for Monoculture --

rotisserie chicken.

Scariest Moment in History --

"Hereditary,"
lil diva head come off.

Most Iconic Building
or Structure --

Universal Helios Grand Hotel,
a Loews Hotel, Epic Universe.

Album of the Year --
"Mayhem," Lady Gaga.

Best Vibe, Hands Down --
Seth Meyers.

I want to thank Matt
and Bowen for my Culch.

I also want to thank my fellow
nominees, especially Doechii.

Really hoping this will lead to
her and I collaborating soon.

Also, I don't know
why I framed this so close.

Should've I checked the shot
before we started filming.

But what's done is done.
I love you guys.

**

Our next presenter is
an architect of fashion.

What are you an architect of,
buildings? Who cares?

Yeah.
Bow down to Law Roach.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

Hello. Thank you.

I've seen some looks tonight,

but I've also seen
way more attempts.

[ laughter ]

Ha ha!

The nominees for
Outfit of the Year are...

[ cheers and applause ]

The Culch goes to...

Lisa Rinna in
whatever the [bleep] she wants.

**

**

[Bleep]

This is my first award

since I won the Soap Opera
Digest Award

a really long time ago.

All right, I have to thank
my stylist, Daniel Brown.

Thank you so much.

I have to thank my husband,
Harry Hamlin.

Ah.

My girls Delilah Belle
and Amelia Gray.

Are you kidding me?

My biggest inspiration
and my greatest pride.

And I know my mom,

Lois, is somewhere
right up there tonight.

Probably dancing her ass off.

Yes, Lois, I love you.

And one last thing.

Please support our
trans siblings by getting

your "Protect the Dolls"
T-shirts.

[ cheers and applause ]

Thank you. Thank you.

ANNOUNCER: The winner
of the Father Award.

Daddy's home.
Welcome back, Andy Cohen.

I didn't know I won
the Father Award.

All right.

That was great.
Give it up again for Lisa Rinna.

That was so good.

Tonight you've seen
truly incredible performances

of all five of the nominees,

including the last performance
ever of "Abracadabra."

Sorry if you have tickets
to the Mayhem Ball.

It is what it is.

Here are the nominees for
the final award of the night,

Record of the Year.

And the Culch goes to...

"Abracadabra."

Here to accept is not Lady Gaga.

**

Wow. Hi.
It's Matt and Bowen again.

You might recognize us
from the entire show.

We just want to say we miss you,
Mother Monster.

We accept this
on your behalf.

We know
that you are proud of us

just for getting through
the song.

Thank you, Gaga.

And thank you, everyone
for an incredible night.

I want to thank everyone
who worked behind the scenes,

all our presenters,
our nominees, our performers,

everyone who worked
on the show.

And most of all,

we want to thank you guys,
all of you, for watching.

Now give these real awards
to Lady Gaga, you cowards.

We love you!
BOTH: Goodnight!

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**