Original subtitles

You try it again, I chop it off.

DT, can't move on.

I said, what's that got to do with boxing?

And he says, I'm not being funny, son, but some of the best boxers are black.

So I says, mine started off white, but my mum put them in the wash with the

shoe covers.

Oi!

That was funny!

Oi!

Do you have to do that?

Wait till she's finished her breakfast.

Right.

Why is this down here?

It's going in the skip.

New house, new kitchen. That rabbit hut is not coming in here.

I might sand it down and use it in the garage.

What's my dad build this?

They must have been as blind as each other.

He's got a dream, hasn't he?

No, that was his third girl.

OK, love.

I'm off.

See you tonight.

Hey, sis!

Over here!

Don't you call him in that. I don't want to save her.

You know your apple's fried?

It's Frieda's, Oliver.

Yeah. I'm not saying.

I'm not allowed to say.

Come on, what's it all up?

Hang on, Steve. I've got my necklace caught on Katie's shirt.

Do we know her?

Katie, will you shift your ass?

This machine did no work down here.

Sorry to interrupt this broadcast, but we have a special request.

This one's for Katie.

Do wait for it.

to you, Jakey. Give him a milkshake, Peggy. We need to get him up to eight

stone. Hey, give him a break. You'll have him in tears.

Look what you're taking a piss for. When you popped your cherry, she didn't know

you'd put it in. Oh, yeah. She came back for more fun. She probably came back to

make sure you got one.

And listen to him.

Viagra falls.

His dick's the only thing that's ever gone down on him. Hey, that's a bit

the bell, that, Kev.

Pick on him.

I can't. He's naming the team for Saturday.

for kicking, not for scratching, eh, Mr Macintosh?

Oh, and you can talk.

Wait, the pubes. Oh, for God's sake, shut up.

Well, it's in a conversation they've got. It's for yourself, Julie. Some of

were enjoying that. Will you tell them, Mr Macintosh? Yes, do we have to listen

to this? Shut up, leech, foul mouth.

KT, come and sit with me.

Come on, they won't bother you while I'm here.

Right, can we talk like grown -ups, please?

Next time we're playing footy, Make sure you hang about the showers and tell us

what shape you think his knob is.

We all reckon it belongs on a gerbil.

Don't let any of this lot try telling you what's what.

Did you manage to have a shower?

Yeah. With what?

Go. Have another.

Use the shower, myself.

You need at least 20 more machines to meet an owner that size.

I'd only be prepared to spend that kind of money on machinery if you guaranteed

two years minimum.

No. We need a deal we can review at the end of the first month. Max phone.

Do you get him for me?

Oh, sorry, Catherine. He's with a buyer from Marks and Spencers at the moment.

It'll take two minutes.

He's there. I can hear him. Well, I don't really think he wants me to.

Ask him what time he's going to be back.

OK. And tell him he needs to stop to see our license.

Will do. Look, I'll talk to you later, Catherine. I'd better go.

What have I missed?

Loads.

Not there.

Have you told anybody?

No.

Not even your mate?

No.

Have you done this before?

No. I got a book out of the library.

To Mac.

What was that?

Got your rations?

You said it was out. Where do I go?

There's only one way down and you'll be using it coming up.

Catherine?

Give us a clue.

Sally, that's why some groups say people need better protection.

The Greater Manchester Homemaker Project has been studying the problem for some

time... You're late.

Sorry.

Celebrating? Yeah.

Marks and Sparks up their order 10%.

And tell Trudy from me. If she hangs up on me again, I'll stick her one.

Was she rude?

She hung up.

Yeah, well, we were busy. You know what she's like.

I know what she's like with me.

You're never there when she's like that with other people.

Are you eating?

I'm not hungry.

I've left the corkscrew in the bathroom.

Can you grab a floor?

Why are you opening? Why in the bathroom now? You really are getting into living

round here.

Don't get so decadent. We need to pay for a clinic.

Hang on.

That's it. Kitchen table.

I opened it downstairs and brought it up.

Are you sure you need any more?

Don't jump on your head.

This will have to do.

You joining me?

No, I thought I'd stay over and make you feel worse.

You know what I'd love?

What?

An Indian.

Morning. What, are you gone?

Yeah, I'm just off.

What's your day?

Gym, home, town, home.

Because I might need back for an hour later.

OK, but I'll be here all night.

Did you mean to say contingent?

Contingent what?

And until then, the contract remains contingent. Yeah.

But it doesn't make sense.

Change it.

Going jogging?

No.

I found it outside the house this morning, just wondering if somebody's

to break in or... Shouldn't the police have it?

It's the point. It's always happening around there.

Well, it will if you never report it.

So is she big, small, young, old, animal, mineral, vegetable?

She got decent tits?

Makes a difference to the kind of advice you need.

I mean, you see my bird, Babs, stonking tits, tiny arse.

Know what she loves?

Really turns her on.

See, she can't string a sentence together, but she loves me talking to

I'm running out of things to say.

Not dirty, any old crap.

Work, football, news, football, football.

I just kiss her neck.

That's all. She's mad for it.

I lick her. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Suck her. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

I chew her ears. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Then I bite.

Just nick her ears on the vinegar stroke and she's off like a rocket. Bam.

Absolutely true.

You need a toilet, Tiger? You're in your face!

Oh, big man now. No! Radio!

Come on.

Go and wash your face.

Calm down.

Well, he flew with Mick.

Winding him up again.

He'll try it with the wrong guy one day, Kev.

Yeah, you.

Meat pie, chips and peas, Peggy.

There's a word.

Yeah, gravy.

It's jinxed, this one. Chews up more fabric than all of them put together.

I'd scrap it. Yeah, well, you're not paying. Stick a new motor in it.

KT! My office!

Shut

the

door.

Do you know what you're doing?

Do you know if your girlfriend is on the pill?

Well, you should have found out, for God's sake.

Until you do, use one of these.

Do you know how to?

OK.

When you're getting... When you get hard on... Yeah?

You don't go anywhere near her till you've got one of these on.

That's how people get pregnant, yeah?

Do you understand?

Look, you slide it on, making sure that the peat...

OK.

I'm back. Oh, hiya, Kurt. Trudy, come here.

We're up to diagram B.

Explain inside out to him.

Right, you hold that.

Look who it is.

Oi!

Give it back, you lot!

Five wipeouts there. There are European towns not noted for cheese, but the 11

correct answers are European cheeses. First choice is yours, Ian.

Come on, there.

Come on, there. Very French, very smelly.

That's what the stripteasers do.

Uh,

green. Kurt?

Oh, green. It's so green and soft and smelly.

Where have you been?

Your tea's in the oven. No one's to eat.

Well, tough. You'll eat it now because I've cooked it.

I don't know what it'll be like now.

Hang on.

Watch yourself, you... Oh, my God.

Come here.

I've had it, you know, last month, Julie.

McNamara. I didn't tell you cos I knew you hadn't and I didn't really want to

show you up. Who's yours?

Come on, I'm your mate.

Listen, she dropped me off twice and I said, look, you can do this, you let me

do tops and bottoms, why don't we just do it all?

She goes, oh, OK.

I'm like, what?

Yeah!

So what have you done?

Everything.

Yeah? What's everything?

And that.

And that. And that.

No.

And that.

How did you know what to do?

How about you tell me who it is?

I swear to God I won't say anything in work.

Matt's wife. What?

Mrs Catherine McIntosh.

You're joking.

Who likes everything.

Including me.

And I think you need to tell him.

Why? Why not?

I want an ambulance.

Did you see? Just step right out in front of me.

Just step right out.

Oh, my God.

Is anybody phoning?

Oh, my God.

Katie.

Katie, can you hear me?

Don't talk, love.

Get a blanket.

Where from?

There's 10 bloody thousand inside. Be quick.

Hello. Yes, ambulance, please. Okay, Katie, you keep still, okay? Someone's

an ambulance on the way.

What happened, Robbo?

You were together, weren't you?

Did he trip?

I don't know.

He had time to get out of the way, though, didn't he? I don't know, Mr

Go on, I'll catch you.

Mrs Taylor, I don't know what to say.

Don't know.

Kurt's dead.

No, I'm the driver. I'm his boss.

Kurt's in there having x -rays.

He's all right.

I knew he knew, cos every time he'd turn around, he'd be there, there.

He's being polite, but he knows everything, cos he runs the place and

everywhere and nobody tells him no.

He knows everything.

He can see straight through me, doesn't matter where I go, he's pointing.

I can tell.

I can tell.

Catherine,

where are your keys?

Catherine, I need the keys to the Audi.

Oh, we've just gone out.

What's the matter?

I've got one of the lads from work. I've got a cake thing.

What for?

What do you mean, what for?

He just stepped in front of my car. Ban.

I'll put him in hospital.

Oh, God.

Look, um, can you take a taxi?

How is it?

Broken arm, collarbone, keeping him in.

Katie, broken arm, broken collarbone.

Yeah, you get him from it. Tell him what happened. You tell him.

Jake, what happened?

I don't know. It was an accident.

That's not what the woman at the newsagent's saying.

Were you two messing about? No!

Jake Robinson to the office, please.

The police need to talk to you.

I don't want to go.

Why not?

Why not?

I didn't really see what happened.

We'll just say that.

Go on.

There won't be a minute.

Did you get to see Kurt?

Oh, they wouldn't let me.

Had you been drinking?

No, I bloody hadn't.

I know I wasn't speeding, but I'd only just gone through the narrow bit. Night

before?

Yes, the night before. A bottle of wine with my wife. I've nowhere near enough.

Do you mind if I take a reading now?

Yeah, but I'll let you.

You should have stayed at the scene of the accident.

I had to get to the hospital.

Just blow into the mouthpiece.

Take a deep breath, and as hard as you can till I say stop.

What do you know about Kate just taking this girl to a hotel?

Nothing. Look at me, then.

Jake.

Jake.

What was the one tell?

About what?

Mac's wife.

Where did

he get it, then?

How the hell should I know?

You were in his cupboard.

Work.

He's got it for work.

Come

in.

Tell him it's from everyone.

Oh, he'll love that.

I'll just...

Dom! Dom!

It's Kirkby.

Has Kirk been all right before this?

It's fine.

No complaints?

Cos I think something happened.

And I wish I knew what.

Sit yourselves down.

There's something at work, you think?

Don't go anywhere else.

Well, the only thing... You know, rumour at works

that, um... Well, Kurt's got himself a girlfriend.

Has he? Oh, my God.

I thought you knew.

I have to go. What's the matter?

I've forgotten to give my dad his medicine. It's, uh, seeing all the pills

uh... I have to go.

Oh, right.

Look, any time you want to come into work and have a little talk, Mrs Taylor.

Sorry, Mac, I'm getting a bit panicky about it. Can we?

Yeah.

Hey,

what was all that about? Your dad can sort his own medication out.

That smell, I couldn't stand it.

What smell?

You need your sinuses doing.

Knock, knock.

Hiya.

Um, it's funny it just occurred to me, but, um, I haven't got Max in your

have I?

I could do with a word with him, away from here.

Oh, right, OK.

Oh, here he is. I thought you were in Huddersfield.

I've only just finished at the filling.

It's all right if I give Steve your home address and phone number, isn't it?

I'm still on your old number.

Do you want to talk to me?

No, no.

I just found meant to be a keyhole in case of break -ins.

I'd look at Pratt if I didn't know where the boss lived, wouldn't I?

Yeah, sure.

Give Palmer's a ringtone. I'll be there in 40 minutes.

OK.

Yes.

All right.

Why?

Why not?

He's a grown -up. He makes his own decision.

No.

He's not a grown -up.

Katie's not even a kid.

Half his wages come from disability.

This is really sick, you know that. No, I didn't know that.

I thought he was just shy.

Oh, piss off, Kathy.

OK, a bit... Dick and Shad.

I only realised after a couple of meetings that he repeated himself a lot.

What am I supposed to do?

It was touch and go, Steve, and it was too late by then.

You're a pal.

Are you loose, Steve?

Think yourself lucky he kept his mouth shut.

Well, he told somebody.

You found out?

He's my son's mate.

Oh.

You've got kids, Steve.

Only we never got time to discuss stuff like that, did we?

I'm just going to wait for Huddersfield and the police phone.

So I can have the jag back.

Will you drive us to the pound?

Yeah, sure.

I'll be changed.

What's this got to do with me? I don't like Tess.

Well, you can leave it if you want, Kurt.

Has my girlfriend phoned yet?

Like I said, I wouldn't know.

I don't work on the ward.

But I can get the nurses to check again.

She asked me.

No, she asked me.

You don't have to do this test.

Nobody's forcing you, OK?

What if they don't understand the question?

Put a line through it, and move on to the next.

Matt? Matt?

Hang on.

Has he come?

Who's that?

The bar.

What? I saw you coming out of the house this afternoon, you bastard.

You wanted the new address.

It's your number.

What's all that about?

You knew where I lived because you've been there before, haven't you?

Mac, I just... You're a liar!

Mac! Why would I want your bloody address if I've been there before? So

you use it for?

Not mine!

What were you doing?

In my house.

And you knew I was somewhere else.

I sent him.

We were trying to arrange a do for your birthday.

A surprise party.

Steve wanted me to go and see Catherine and I said, well, I don't think she's

that keen on me. You'd best go.

Ask Catherine.

Ask her.

Who's this?

Not my neck.

Sorry.

It's okay, you see.

I can't help it.

I love her.

You like it? I'm going now.

Mac, you all right?

You know I'll believe anything you tell me, Trudy.

Don't change that, will you?

Katie's not coming back.

They needed a new labourer at Marshalls.

I've done two references, one from me, one from you. I'll sign yours if that's

OK.

Wiggle your fingers.

Ring Catherine.

You ring her, I'm not.

What if he asks her?

He won't.

What if he asks her? He won't.

We need her saying the same thing.

If he started asking questions, he'd have to admit he thinks she's having an

affair. Which he won't.

Did you reckon you were the only one, Steve?

Do your deal.

You tell me about Katie.

And I'll tell you who she was seeing besides you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You haven't got a choice, Steve.

Been in hospital.

How are you?

I just saw myself out.

Did you know what ward you're on? Because some people went to Ward 6 and

people went to Ward 16.

And I was on Ward 6.

Did they send you to Ward 16?

I rang to see how you were. I said, tell me when she phones. Tell her I'll ring

her back.

The bitch.

The dirty, filthy bitch.

Katie's a boy. He's a little boy.

Not anymore.

Pev from the cutting room. That was last spring.

Pete Donoghue.

Do you remember Pete? That's why he left.

But Mac know.

I've got no idea what Mac knows, Dave.

Andy Cummings. That was the weekend that we all went to Scarborough. She ended

up on the beach with her knickers round her ankles.

All from work?

The ones that I know about are.

She just can't seem to leave it alone, can she?

We were both here one night waiting for Matt to get back from London.

I truly swear this is between me and you.

He'd phoned to say his train was late.

She asked me to take her for a drink.

She had a couple too many and I said she wasn't fit to drive.

So I took her home.

You did it in their house?

In the car.

I mean, she... It was on a plane.

It wasn't my idea, she just hit on me.

But once, truly, I swear, only once.

I'm not proud of it.

Oh, well, that's all right then, Steve.

Promise me this is between me and you.

You know, you left... Two messages at work for you.

At work.

She expected me to put two and two together and tell Mac. She wants Mac to

out. Why else pick on someone like Katie?

Thanks for keeping your love shut.

I didn't do it for you.

Mac's on his way home, he really is.

There were a kind of day room and it was private because not many people used it

and we could have had it to ourselves. I'm not even supposed to know who you

are.

But you do.

Mac might have found out.

I don't care. It doesn't matter anymore, does it?

I can tell him you love me.

Don't do that.

But you do.

I won't ignore you like he does. He doesn't ignore me. He's always working

I can take care of you.

I'd be at home with a flat over the laundry and it's only £70.

Kiss! Just get your hands off me and just leave now!

That's your bedside, isn't it, Kurt?

What have you been, Kurt?

The hospital said you walked out three hours ago.

Where have you been?

It's true.

Your gran's been worried sick.

The kettle's on. You look frozen.

Would you like another drink, Mr McIntosh?

No, thanks.

You know where the other one is?

I want to see your face again.

Understand?

If I do, you're dead.

You say one word.

I'll run you a bath.

We can wrap this round your bad arm.

Where's he gone?

All right, dear. Well, my.

We're nearly into bed. I said, check with Catherine first.

How does that sound?

Very nice.

We're celebrating.

New kitchen.

How do you celebrate a new kitchen?

Take away.

At the price of it, we're not actually going to use it.

You just shove all this in a bin bag and you're done.

Oh, no, she's cooked.

No, no, no. I can bang it in the fridge.

Oh, but you cooked.

She didn't want company.

Look, I know, I know. I'm sorry. I should have phoned this.

Say the word, I've been the teacher.

I'm sorry, Catherine. I've tried interrupting him, but it's no use.

Well, we should have been at the airport by now.

Tell him we're going to miss the bloody plane.

Since when?

Hang on.

I sorted all this out weeks back.

Yes, I did.

Yes, I did.

I've got the paperwork somewhere.

He says come in, he'll be a while.

We haven't got a while.

This way.

The section's full of school kids on a field trip.

They asked me to talk about my job for half an hour.

Took me three minutes.

Just put myself on a loop and gave them all a pair of pillowcases for the man.

You wouldn't know a decent joke if it bounced on your belly.

Watch yourself. It's lethal round here.

Mind your step. Morning, Steve.

Morning.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six.

I'm putting the phone down. Roll five, four, three, two, one.

See you when I get back.

Oh, you should have stayed in the car. I was only going to be a couple of

minutes.

Right, um... Got a phone number and fax for the hotel if you need me. We won't.

Have a brilliant time, Matt.

See you when you get back.

All right.

Your 16 -year -old son's bedroom.

Either there is, and we drag him in, or you hit him there.

Which means you're in possession of more than personal use.

Possession of drugs.

Competition's bad enough without me sticking my neck out for you, Steve.

You're not sacking me.

You caught him with even bing bells.

I caught him. I sacked him.

Stunky fella.

Blue eyes.

Ronstadt. Kim Ronstadt.

How'd it work?

Unusually.

Sleep well, Robinson.

I don't believe this is happening.