Original subtitles

Here I go again.

I hear the trumpet blow again.

All of love blow again.

Taking a chance on love.

Things are mending now.

I see a rainbow blending now.

Feel of a happy ending now.

Taking, taking a chance on love.

Ah.

I'm afraid it could take a while. Was it urgent?

No, I'm just promised to phone a friend. Don't like to let her down.

I see.

It's a bit tricky at the moment. We're going for the record, you see.

Ah. I would offer to get out, but it took us about an hour to get in like

Quite understand.

No, probably go to town to do it.

But before you go... Yes?

Could you just put this leg in the grey leg warmer? Yes. Could you just tuck it

behind the...

White, bobbly hat? Yes, yes, please.

Thank you so much. Not at all, not at all. Oh, you will be careful how you

the door, won't you? If it slams, it lands right on Jocelyn's chest.

Ah, yes, I'll avoid that at all costs.

Oh,

pull yourself together, Doreen.

Coming back home in a brand new fur coat doesn't necessarily mean that she's

done anything that... Oh, Lord.

Whatever she's done, she's still our daughter.

Oh, I blame myself for all this, you know.

Letting her come to live in town like this. Going out to dinner with a man

never met before. And we certainly haven't met.

Staying out till all hours.

3 .37 by that nice digital alarm clock radio we give her for Christmas.

Coming home with a fur coat and in a police car and... And the shoes.

Oh, my gorgeous shoes.

Alison, Alison, Alison, dear, would I have a little word with you, please?

Oh, no.

Oh, what time is it?

Oh, 8 .48.

Oh.

Oh, Daddy, you'll never believe what happened to me last night. The shoes,

Daddy. Yes, I think perhaps you and I ought to have a little chat, Alison.

Oh, can't you wait till later, Daddy? I shall be late for work.

Ask her about the shoes.

Oh, what's wrong with my shoes?

Custard. Custard? Yes, there's custard and truffle all over your shoes. You

haven't noticed it.

Yes, it's in your head, it's down your front. It's everywhere.

We're not simple, you know, Alison. We read the newspapers. We know what goes

at these big town parties.

It wasn't anything at all like that.

It was just a series of coincidences, really. Sometimes they happen to him all

the time. Oh, so that's his name, is it, Tom?

Tom.

I went to work this morning.

Oh, well, I'd better hurry.

I got back so late last night, I didn't even have time to take my coats off.

Oh, Mum, good God.

Yes, it was really just another one of Tom's coincidences.

She's a tearaway, that one. I've always said so.

She's wild, passionate, erotic.

She gets it all from you, you know.

The dress bag.

Still all right without it?

Yes.

Not too much trouble from police?

No. Good, good.

Sorry about the phone call. Had some problems.

Missed you.

Oh, did you? Just by about five minutes. Odd thing. Got a woman.

Told her my name.

Burst into tears.

Oh, that'd be mummy.

I've got my parents staying with me at the moment.

Worried about last night.

They're particularly worried about the custard.

Custard? Yes, my shoes are full of it.

Hello, hello, hello.

This is Sidney Gosselthwaite broadcasting on a telepathic wavelength.

If there is a psychic master in the vicinity who can hear me, maybe he would

reveal his presence by scratching his right ear.

I say again, by scratching his right... What's wrong with you?

Explain things.

Apologise. They've got nothing to apologise for, Tom. It's their own

They just won't seem to realise that I'm a grown... woman now, with a woman's

body and a woman's feelings.

They seem to think that just because I'm a librarian, I don't know what the real

world's all about.

Well, we see the seeming side of life too, you know.

There's things that go on in this library.

I mean, it's not all helping little children find the Millie Molly Mandy

I can tell you.

Really? There are certain sort of men who have very strange feelings for lady

librarians.

They leave little messages in the pages of returned books.

I found two already today.

Hello, hello, hello.

Sidney Gosselthwaite here again.

Your disciple awaits, oh master of the psychic forces.

Please tell me what I must do.

Extraordinary. One who wrote this.

How old? Which one's that?

Please take off all your clothes and meet me behind the dinosaur shelves.

Just terribly old -fashioned. But I don't like to feel that they're upset in

way. I'd like to make amends somehow, arrange possible meetings.

There's a library then. Excuse me, can I help you, madam?

Public library, is it? That is correct, yes. And they're all free, right?

Well, if you reside within the borough area, yes. Good. Then here's the one for

a 69 cap, please send it to 600 GT.

Oh, I'm sorry, what's that?

It's a worker or what? It's a book you doth burn for.

Oh, a motor manual?

Aye, and none of that side -valve crap either.

talking high -lift cans here. Ah, well, it's the children's section, madam. You

need do it yourself.

You do it yourself?

It's with your bloody papers.

And make sure it's a bloody 69 version.

Excuse me, excuse me.

No need for language in front of the lady.

You keep out of this, Jimmy, if you want to get home tonight.

It's you in it, it is.

It is, it's you in it.

It isn't, it isn't.

I've got your description engraved on my bowels.

No, no, no.

Never seen me before in your life. This is the cheating shite that took

advantage of our cabin here.

Sold him a 69 Capri. There should be a bloody hen cooper now.

Why don't you keep your voice down? I mean, look at him. Did you ever see such

miserable specimen?

Who is he ever going to pull a girl new with a totally immobile rust pot on

wheels? Call yourself a car salesman.

You just wrecked this poor lad's pathetic little life.

Not to worry, Alison. It happens to me all the time.

Well, it won't happen again. Not after his feather gets over the rig today. I

know you. I know you, Mr. Red Hastings, and I know your game.

No, no. Not Red Hastings. Wrong man.

Passport? Trans.

Tom? Trans. I told you it was a false name. Your claw appears in...

Come with me. I'll show you the car, Minx. You'll be hearing from my husband.

We'll find your name in the phone book sometime. Don't you worry.

Come on, then.

That's what happens to me all the time. Oh, don't worry about it. Quite

exciting, really.

Can I have a cup of coffee? My treat.

Be back in five minutes. I shouldn't really, but... All right, then. Give me

minutes. I'll meet you at the main entrance.

Main entrance.

Well done.

Been thinking.

Parents think me perverted sex maniac.

A despicable ravisher, betrayer of only daughter. Oh, I think that sums it up

very nicely, yes.

How about four o 'clock this afternoon?

What for?

My taste.

Best behaviour, explain it. Oh, that would be wonderful.

Happy experience reasonably quiet experience of these matters probably

we

Straight through there.

Front room.

Sorry, I had hoped to clear out before parents arrived, but... What

time they due?

Well, Mummy said she'd be here about four.

Yes. But Daddy will be a bit later. He's got an entry in the semi -finals of the

County Crafts exhibition, and they don't announce the judging until 3 .30.

Crafts? One line.

Oh, baby clothes, mostly.

It's his hobby, you see, knitting and crocheting. He's entered this little

matronager. that he's done in pale, soft, pink botany. It's quite nice.

I don't think he'll win anything, though. His moustache can be a bit

Oh,

I see you've got a little pet.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Wallace.

Always liked to have a hamster. Keep me company.

Rather short of human friends, my disability.

Doesn't seem to be moving much.

No, no.

Dead, in fact.

Accident. Happened yesterday.

Sitting at typewriter, little chap hopped onto carriage, fell in, typing a

of dots at the time.

Oh, dear.

Were you rather fond of him? I was, really, yes.

Wanted to have him stuffed, made up into key ring.

Something to remember him by.

Is that your dog as well?

No, no, next door. Comes in through garden. Yes, feed him through window.

Ugly brute seems to sit there most of the day.

Extraordinary appetite.

Throw anything out, he eats it. Show you.

Lost

a

cricket ball that way once.

Swallowed it in one gulp. Just sat there begging for more.

He seems a bit aggressive, doesn't he? Yes.

Well, better clear up, really. Don't want to make a bad impression on parents

again. Oh, right.

Shall I take that tray out? Good thinking.

Kitchen that way, through hall.

Right. Oh, something I'd like to show you, actually.

Had it since I was a lad.

Tom, can't seem to be able to open the door.

Find by Alec Bedser.

Tom, what...

Should have warned you. Just a moment.

Excuse me, Alison.

I don't know why it does that.

Oh, really?

It's like some lager.

Sort of warm us up before the dread event.

Oh, lovely.

Thank you.

Oh, I see you're playing the trumpet.

Yes, yes, yes. Learned at school. Brass band.

Not much good.

But fun.

You musical at all?

Oh, no, not really.

The only thing I learned at school that you might call musical was the claves.

Claves? It's like two little sticks, and you use one stick to hit the other

stick, and it makes a sort of a hollow noise.

I never heard that, no.

Oh, no, it's not a particularly memorable sound or anything. It's just,

hollow. Ah, yes.

I'd quite like to have tried some of the other instruments, but Rachel, I

remember, always got the triangle, and Gregory had to have the xylophone, of

course, otherwise he'd got asthma.

And I always seem to get the enclaves. Sounds jolly unfair to me.

Oh, I didn't mind, really.

I got the rhythm pole one week. That's the one with the milk bottle tops.

Yes. Wayne was away sick, but when he came back, I had to go back to the...

enclaves.

Still, the tuba sounds a lot more exciting than that. Oh, well.

See, this is the piece you're learning at the moment, isn't it? Yes, yes,

right, yes.

Oh, would you play a bit for me?

Well, not...

Not in practice, really.

But all right, yes.

Love to.

Yes, I like a Christmas carol, whatever the time of year.

More or less there.

And that was Silent Night, was it?

Yes, yes. Oh, I thought that was Silent Night. Ah, no, no, no.

Probably thinking of the tune on top. No, trumpet.

Oh, I see.

Would you like to try?

Could I? Yes, of course, of course.

Simple technique. Just a little bit of mastering.

Sit down.

Just flip this between your... Oh, thank you. Just down there, yes.

Stick tongue out.

Spit. It's messy business. I'll just clean this up for you.

And a little cleaning of the valve.

Alison.

Yes, Tom?

Alison.

Fingers stuck in your tuba.

Quite no.

If you perhaps, Ben, just...

Yes. Got it?

Yes.

Oh, that'll be Mummy.

Ah, good.

Shall I? Yes, please. Come on.

Ah,

I'm terribly sorry to trouble you. We're from the telephone box around the

corner. I only wanted it if you could help.

Oh, dear, is he hurt? Nothing to... serious and her husband's on the way.

banged her face on the return coin tray and got a lot of cold loose chains down

her front. Oh, dear.

But if there was anywhere she could lie down for a minute... Do you like to come

in? Yes, by all means do.

Let's go upstairs.

Give your hand if I... It's all right, Tom. I'll do it. You look after things

down here. Right. Good.

This is awfully kind of you. Linda Whitworth. I believe we met this

yes. Chance.

Tom Chance. Believe we did.

I suppose it must have been... It seemed a bit odd finding us all crammed in

there like that. It was a bit puzzling, yeah. You see, we're the Sonborn Ladies

Cricket Eleven.

You may have heard of us.

We're trying to be the first ladies cricket team in pyjamas to stay eight

in a telephone box.

It's a stunt.

It's to raise money for a new pavilion.

I couldn't take a real favour of you, could I? You see, we told Norris to put

the word around the press and everyone that we'd be making the attempt in our

night. But, well, the minibus for the girls to get changed hasn't turned up

some of them are a bit shy about getting changed on the pavement. Do you think

that they could get changed here?

Ah, yes, of course. I'd like to use the front room.

Oh,

this is lovely, yes. This will be wonderful. Good. Got some visitors

Better go upstairs, do something about this.

Leave it to you, then. Yes, of course. Well, I'll just give them a shout.

Get changed.

Straight through, all of you. Straight through and get changed as quickly as

can. Come on, now. No, dear, darling.

And straight into your nighties.

Is there going to be anyone watching this time, Linda? I sincerely hope so.

I'm taking lots of photographs as well.

Oh, dear.

I don't mind doing it, just I'm not sure I like the idea of all those people

watching. Do they have to? Of course they do. That's the whole point of it,

isn't it?

I mean, that's where most of the money's coming from. I suppose so.

Just I've never done this sort of thing for money before.

Don't worry about it, and do get a move on. They'll probably expect us to get

started soon.

She's right, you know, I shouldn't worry.

I mean, the only bit of me a photographer's going to see is my

up against the glass.

Now, come on, hurry up, all of you, outside and into your positions. Very

well done. Well, there goes.

Goodbye, thank you.

Such a relief when you get it off.

Thought you'd be off on the job with the girls.

They'd probably like to get changed.

Ah, like me to take you to one of the bedrooms?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, come on.

No, no, no.

Don't be shy.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

No nightie.

Ah, very embarrassing. Yes, I understand.

Yes.

Oh, yes, yes. Got a pair of pyjamas.

Be a perfect fit to you.

Yes, I believe it is.

Is this your car?

Yes, yes, that's my car. Is it parked in your way or something?

Oh, no, laddie, it's just perfect what it is.

Just perfect.

That's why it lands.

It's not working well, is it?

You know,

my son Kevin's got a car like this. His headlights are a wee bit dubious, too.

Mind you, he hasn't got a...

screaming like you've got, but he does have trouble opening the doors from time

to time.

Now then, do you ever see him problem under the bonnet that he does, eh?

Ah.

Wires and horses all over the place.

Still, they're nice cars, those Capris, aren't they?

Yes, um, forgive me for asking, but why are you doing all this?

The name's Taggart, Mr. Chan.

James Taggart.

Five days ago, you sold my son Kevin a Capri which didn't have the street

credibility of a lawnmower.

And you're so fond of scrap, I thought you'd like some of your very own.

This wee hammer's a present from me to remind you if I ever see you again, I'll

be borrowing it back, but I won't be using it on your car.

Tom? Yes?

I'm not sure, but I think a strange man out there has been hitting Daddy's car.

Hitting?

Wait here.

There's something about selling a car to Kevin. You thought this was my gun.

Give me that hammer. I shouldn't have been bothered to wait for explanations.

It would make me sick, you people. He had a good punch on the nose.

I can't remember to give it to myself. In fact, go ahead.

with my cricket bat. You've been hitting him in the face with that hammer,

haven't you? Oh, you, you, you swine!

Oh, Alec Bencer signed that bat for me. He personally signed it. Alec Bencer.

He's got a vicious Alsatian in the garden as well, Derek.

It's had me pinned up against the wall for hours. It eats my handbag and...

What?

What's happened to the car?

No, don't panic, mother. Don't panic. There's a phone box down there. You go

ring for the police. Right, I'll...

I mean, that bit was signed to me personally by Alec Bedser. Now it just

Alec Bedser.

What's the matter, woman? What is it?

Oh, I... Oh!

Oh, come and get a paper!

Oh, all's well, Alison, just this homicidal lunatic.

Tom!

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