Original subtitles

Avast, Miyagi!

Calm down, now, lads. Calm down, fellas. Porus coming up. Here we go.

Rigging in the rigging

carton.

Sir, I thought it was the boat.

Not now, Master Rotter.

Is our captain, Porus, coming up again?

Wallets.

There, that's it.

It's just empty sea, lads.

A huge match of lifeless water that rises and falls and takes us nowhere.

All we do is bob about aimlessly like lost souls going down the plughole of

and ever decreasing circles.

Are you feeling all right, Captain? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Bolton. Just a

forlorn, a bit lost.

Somewhat broken. Oh, Captain, don't be depressed.

Why do you have so much going for you?

That's right, sir, you have.

You've got an awful lot going for you.

Aye, Captain, he's right. You've got plenty of good things going for you. Do

want to come in here a deal?

You've got the bags of stuff going for you.

Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about me, lads. I'll snap out of it.

Sometimes a man gets to thinking, why am I here? Where am I going?

What's it all about?

Life, Captain, is about loving.

Being loved.

I mean, someone to love.

Yeah, yeah, Bosun, I suppose you're right. Take a look at this, Captain.

That's me and the wife on holiday in Cockermouth, back in the 60s.

Very nice, Bosun. Now, this here, this is us on our wedding day.

Oh, how delightful.

Hey, pretty little church.

Aye, 15th century.

And over here is Jill and Bob, our next -door neighbours.

Oh, my God.

Bob nipped round while the tattooist was still there.

What's this big one stretching across your back, Bosun?

Oh, that, Captain, that's me old -school picture.

That's me top left -hand corner.

So it is.

Is that your top right -hand corner as well, Bosun?

Aye, Captain, got in twice.

Nipped round the back while he was still doing it.

Loving Captain, being loved, surrounded by your loved ones.

That's what life's about.

Yeah, I suppose you're right. I wouldn't want to be like you if you don't mind

me saying a bachelor.

No, very wise.

Let's face it.

Who's going to clean your ass when you're 18?

Not me.

Well, it's like Christ, isn't it?

What?

He's in a reef!

Is everybody all right?

Master Roger. Yes, Lieutenant.

He managed to hang on to a piece of floating debris.

Where'd Sir go? I don't know.

I think he went under.

He was next to me one minute, and when I turned round, he'd gone.

Oh, no.

Do you think he might not have?

Sir, are you all right? Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

That was incredible.

My pleasure, Captain.

No. I was drowning.

I went under for the third time.

All of a sudden, this beautiful fish -type creature tied me in her arms to

safety. You mean a mermaid, Captain?

Didn't think you believed in mermaids, Captain.

Well, you tend to reconsider these issues when you've got a huge pair of

breasts slapping around your face.

Captain, you ought to be careful.

They say that when a man is saved by a mermaid...

She weaves a spell of love over him from which he can never recover.

Aye. They say that, do they? Aye.

Well, fair enough, because this girl had everything, like blonde hair, blue

eyes, massive... Captain!

Check up the island in the morning. Right you are, Cliff.

Right. Grab what you can, lads.

Captain! Captain!

Captain!

I've just checked out the boat.

She's holed up on the reef for now, but I don't know how long she'll last.

Right, can we, um, can we repair her?

Ooh, the hull's a bit dented, the rudder's shocked a bit.

Right, so what are we looking at?

Well, let's see now. New sails, bit of welding right hand passenger side.

Could be a day, could be a week.

Oh, damn.

Depends how long it takes to get the spares.

Still, that's what happens when you take over an old boat.

Catherine, look.

There's an old man standing on the horizon.

All right, Roger, help Bosun start repairing the boat.

Me, Cliff, Ad, let's go and wrecky the island.

Then I know this song. May I? Yeah, take over.

What's he saying?

I don't know, Captain.

Get back to the boat, you knob.

Captain, my dialect's a bit rusty, but I'm sure I can translate.

Now, leave it to me, Cliff. I speak the international language of mine.

Hello, old man.

We are travellers.

We come here on mighty ship, guided by the wind and the stars.

He says you are welcome, Captain.

We come to the East as equal partners to share the joy

of world friendship.

He says about half past ten, Captain.

Welcome to our magical island, stranger.

Thank you, sweet maiden.

Your words are like two conch shells bringing sea music to my ears.

Have you traveled here from far off land?

Oh, verily, sweet water maiden, like the conger eel, we travel great distances.

And will you be staying on our island long?

Oh, yes.

Till day meets night and night follows day.

Clifton! Repair back to our rude camp and settle whilst I tarry hither with

piskeen love goddess.

I beg your pardon?

Just bugger off, will you?

What is your name, peculiar half -fish princess?

I have a special mermaid name.

Very difficult for you to say.

It is like Trey C.

Tracy? I think I can manage that.

In my language.

This means rare and special.

Yeah? Nothing common about that at all.

My name is Butler. In my language, it means great bloke.

You are a beautiful man, Butler.

You're a great sailor, yes?

Yes. I'm a brave adventure from a distant land.

Do you live in a big city?

Oh, yes. A big city. A great city. Bigger than a hundred of these islands.

We call it the Grand Metropolis because it has many streets with bright lights

and huge shops and pubs. I like this place.

What is its name?

It is called Tranmere.

I live here all my life. My father, he is king of this island. And my mother,

she's a turbot.

She?

Well, I'm an ocean -going prince.

who sails with a brave heart and a loyal crew.

Why, look, there are some of them there in the distance.

Oi, give me back my nylon.

So these are good, strong men, then? Yes, all of them are noble and wise. We

fight for what is decent and fair.

Bossen, those are my water wings.

Each of us has pledged to uphold the quest for love, honour and truth.

Captain, the bossen is hogging all the inflatables.

Can you tell me to call the mermaid? I am at your service.

My pristine princess, what would you bid me do?

Join me for dinner tonight.

It would be my honour, sweet water damsel.

You broke my bloody nose.

Would she be a mermaid, Captain?

I know, Bosun, keep your voice down.

A man shouldn't lie with a fish.

It ain't natural.

Yes, she's a bit different. We've all got our own peculiarities.

Peculiarities? Every time you give her a love bite, you'll want a dollop of

tartar sauce.

Shouldn't be allowed.

What do you want to hang around with a girl for anyway, sir?

What's wrong with staying with all your mates all the time?

You'll find out when you get older, Roger.

Sir? Caring.

Sharing. Shagging, sir.

I suppose so.

Why, and how do you propose to do that?

Kill the lady. your eggs in the seabed and rub yourself up and down.

You're making a mistake.

I'm a rest boat and I'm a grown -up. I'll do what I want, okay?

I take it you won't be staying for dinner then, Captain?

I'm having dinner at Tracy's tonight.

I see, I see.

My dinner not good enough for you now, is it?

I didn't say that. Well, then your results could do with a bit of work.

Ha! There you are, mate. Can I have a bit of a word?

Certainly, Captain.

You see, I'm writing some poetry for Tracy, trying to get the old, you know,

love juices flowing, as it were. But I can't seem to finish up any sentences. I

thought you might be able to help. Well, far away, Captain.

I was going to start off with something like, shall I compare thee to?

But I can't for the life of me think what.

A summer's day?

Hmm, it's a bit general, isn't it? I mean, what kind of summer's day?

Shall I compare thee to an August bank holiday Monday?

That's brilliant. That's brilliant.

Line two.

Come live with me and be my flatmate.

Now we're getting somewhere. That's excellent.

That's excellent.

Okay, third line.

A rose by any other name would be a prickly bush.

That's brilliant. That's brilliant.

Shall I compare thee to an August bank holiday Monday?

Come live with me and be my flatmate. A rose by any other name would be a

prickly bush.

That's completely crap, that. All right, guys, I'm off.

Oh,

that meal was excellent. What was it exactly?

It's a special mermaid dish made from sea slug and plankton.

Sea slug and plankton? Yeah.

You can actually taste the plankton coming in underneath the sea slug as it

happens.

Nippy round here. Wish I brought a jumper.

Why don't you come over here and hold me, Butler?

We could keep each other warm.

Hey, good idea.

So, Tracy, do you have any other male friends apart from your dad, that is?

I have a boyfriend.

What? Sorry.

I have a boyfriend. We go together for two years.

He's named Tony.

All right. Tony, eh?

Oh,

he's very funny.

Tony, you make me laugh.

Does he?

All right.

So, have you heard the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper? Sold his soul

Santa.

No.

All right. So, this, um, this Tony, is he around here at the moment? Oh, no. He

ain't seen.

Oh, good.

He's gone away to sea, has he?

No.

What, he's actually in?

Do you mean he's... Tony's a mackerel.

So you're going out with a mackerel, then, are you?

He's the only boy I know.

I meet him when swimming.

You ain't going to meet him down at the pub, were you?

Tony, he's a nice guy.

He's very kind, but I know love him.

Oh.

Poor old Tony.

You're the first real man I know, Butler.

You're much special.

Thank you, Tracy.

You're much special yourself.

Even though you are a bit of a two -timer.

I wonder what the captain's doing right now.

Having it away with the alibut.

I shouldn't be alone.

This romance... This business is bound to wear off soon, isn't it, Bosun?

Difficult to say, young Roger. Once a man has fallen in love with a mermaid,

she's like a magnet.

It gets inside of him and eats away at his mind.

But surely we must be able to do something, Bosun. Why, there is a way to

man from falling in love with a mermaid.

You get him to dangle a bream from one ear and a dab from the other whilst

dancing in a circle, singing, I'm a little teapot.

And that's the only way?

It is the only way.

There are a couple of other methods, but they've been discredited in recent

years. Well, it's worth a go.

Oh, I shouldn't worry too much, Master Roger. The captain's a very loyal and

honourable man.

When the boat is fixed and we're ready to leave, he'll be back amongst us. Just

you wait and see.

Oh, I hope so.

Oh!

Oh! Oh, thanks.

Yes!

Oh! Can I stay with you forever?

Of course you can, butler.

Just mind you don't crush those eggs.

Hark

me

that jowl, son.

Captain's still not back yet, Bolton?

No, not yet, Master Roger.

Haven't seen him for a few days now.

Wonder what he's been up to.

probably rubbing himself up against her dorsal.

I'm giving her a good de -scaling.

Right, that be the rudder, don't?

Once we get her fitted on the boat, she'll be yar.

Yar? Great.

Goody.

Aye, we'll be out of here by tomorrow.

Ah, there you are, sir.

Thank you.

Yeah, only briefly. I've got to nip off again. Right.

It's just that the boat's nearly ready now, sir.

Is it, really? Yes, and we...

We should be ready to head off before long.

Marvellous. And not coming back again.

Brilliant. There they are. And I was just wondering if you'd hold these

fish up to your ears.

Beg your pardon?

I was wondering if you'd hold these prima dab up to your ears.

Just for a laugh, sir.

All right, Roger, if it makes you happy.

There you go, lad.

Perfect, sir.

And you couldn't just turn around while you're doing that, could you, sir?

What, with the fish up my ears? Yes, sir. Turn in a circle with the fish

dangling by your loaves.

All right, Rog, wherever it sends you on. Here you go.

Right. There. And you couldn't, um... Couldn't what, lad?

Couldn't sing I'm a little teapot while you're doing that, could you, sir?

While you're turning around, yes.

As a kind of dare, sir.

As a kind of dare. All right, lad.

I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here's my handle, here's my spout.

there you go. You don't feel any different, do you, sir?

Yes, I do.

You do?

Yeah, I feel a bit of a wanker, actually, Rog.

Well, that was a bloody waste of time, wasn't it?

Oh, Butler.

That was the happiest day of my life.

Mine too, darling.

Weather was bloody changeable, though.

fixed and the lads are moving out.

Moving out?

Moving where? They're going back to Theta.

You see, they're sick of watching you flipping around with that fish woman of

yours and they want to go and be pirates again.

I see.

Tracy, you wait here, love. Won't be a second. Come on.

What the bloody hell is going on, lads? We're leaving, Captain.

Leaving? What do you want to go for?

Because we're pirates, Captain.

Tis our trade.

We should be bobbing about in a boat.

All right, Bolson, we'll have to leave right away.

Captain, we just don't belong here. I mean, I, for one, feel a bit of a

gooseberry. Ah, so you're talking about Tracy, then, are you? All right, she's

got certain halibut tendencies, but apart from that, she's a supergirl.

particularly very nice.

But to see Sarah then dishum, dishum, dishum what she done, well, it's a bit

boring for the rest of us.

All right, guys, look, why don't you just leave it a few weeks? See how it

Oh, aye, and watch you slide around on that slippery seas trumpet.

Nipples removed.

You've been nothing but rude about Tracy ever since we got here, Bosun. She be a

fish, Captain.

What are you going to shag next?

Portion of chips?

Why don't we just forget about the old trout and run away together, sir?

It'll be like the old days again.

Climbing the rigging, checking the portholes, throwing up... You call my

trout again, Roger, and I'll remove your scrotum and use her as a catapult.

Oh, sir!

Go on.

Go. Walk. I don't need you anyway. I've got more of a life on this island than I

ever had on that poxy boat with you lot. No, bugger off, Cliff. Go on.

Bugger off.

I'm staying here with Tracy and it's final.

Captain, we've just come to say goodbye.

Yeah? All packed up, are you?

Everything's on board. High tide's nearly in, so, um... We'd better be off.

Yeah, well... Hey, it's been fun, Cliff.

Hey. And listen, I didn't mean... Oh, stop.

Okay, I understand, Captain.

We clubbed together to get you this.

Spoon.

Thanks, guys.

You sure you don't want to stay around a while longer? I'm getting married this

afternoon. Better be off, Captain.

Time's moving on. Butler will miss you much. He talks about you all the time.

Cliff, his trusty number two.

Bosom, the fearless warrior.

Right.

Adele, the cook.

And Roger, the little tit.

Little tiger, darling.

Well, I wish you a safe journey. I'll look after Butler.

Yes, well, thank you very much.

Goodbye, then, sir.

You sure you can't come with us?

Hey, don't you go getting upset, young Rog.

A few months' time, you won't even remember my name. Now, get on the high

and do some piracy and make us all proud of you, little fella.

Rightio, sir.

Don't be sad, but we're off day with you.

I know, love, I know.

Now, put this on, cos the wedding starts in 15 minutes.

I want you to meet my mum.

Mum, this is Butler.

Hello, Mrs T.

Looking forward to the service.

And can't wait for the banquet.

Hey, well, tuck into a bit of that for now.

I'll tell you what, though, I'm glad you got your dad's eyes.

My father's ready.

Now the ceremony may begin.

Captain Butler, take this fish woman to be your lawful wedded wife.

Will you honour the sea gods and live within the special rules of our

fish kingdom?

One hundred percent.

Will you honour her and treasure her and make sure she stays all flippy floppy?

Yes, I will.

You didn't have to do much.

Butler, you must now step into the circle so that you may join our world.

You're right, you are. What are you doing now?

Well, he's making the traditional plea to Poseidon, requesting that you be

transformed into part man, part fish. Good.

What did you say again?

Well, surely you know, when you marry a mermaid, you must become a merman.

What do you mean, surely I must know?

Where am I going to get access to that information?

It's written in the great book of Poseidon. So what do you expect me to

down the library and look it up?

Dr. Andrew Poplar, this is a wonderful thing. We can be together forever.

Besides, it's too late now.

What?

for a game of snakes and ladders.

What's wrong?

What's wrong? What's bloody wrong?

I'm a bloody goodge and that's what's bloody wrong.

You look lovely.

Turn me back, you old fart.

Oh, no, leave it. Just leave it. There is only one way you can turn back into

being a human and that's for you to stop loving me.

What? What? And that's the only way? The only way.

Oh, great.

It took me two years to get over my last girlfriend.

Oh, bollocks.

and then you swam back to the boat to meet us.

That's right, lads. As half man, half fish. Well, at least it only took you

weeks to get over her, Captain.

That's holiday romances for you, lad. They never last. It's good to have you

back again, sir.

It's good to be back, lads. Captain, I took the liberty of doing a tattoo on me

arm of you and that fish woman back on the island. It's a little keepsake

I'd like you to have it.

Wouldn't that be a bit difficult, Bosun? Don't you worry yourself about that,

Captain. Both my arms are completely detachable.

It's very sweet.

And hey, listen.

I want you men to know I'm not going to get all maudlin about the past.

Tracey's behind me now. From here on in, it's us sailing the high seas as an

effective pirate unit. Well done.

I'm amongst you fellas.

Good night, Captain. Good night, sir. Good night, guys.

Oh, yes,

and Captain, I was wondering if you needed a wake -up call in the morning.

Yeah. Give me a shot.

Cast off.

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