Original subtitles

And with a special one -time only offer, you can get any number of magazines

half price.

How about it, Sergeant? Police Gazette? It's tax -deductible. I've got my own

problems. This tab is over a month old. Sergeant, I have not had a donut in 11

weeks and 3 days. We owe over $100 here. I'm trying to help my son win a

bicycle. I would like to surf with a nut food and a cello. Torp it up, Lacey.

Is Becky's your perpetrator? Ask him. I asked him. What'd he say? Ask Peggy.

What'd she say? Ask you. Which brings me to my point. How many magazines you

want? You selling magazines, Mary Beth?

Michael is selling them to win a bicycle.

Great. Put me down for business week. Hey, where did you get the donuts?

On the corner. Tag me.

So we owe him more. I'm trying to collect here. Exactly. Now, you want to

all at once or in three easy installments?

How about surfer news?

What? You carry Israel Weekly?

I'm sure it's in here somewhere. That's good. I need a renewal.

Got you covered. What about my donut money? I'm not paying.

Not paying what? Why not? Because one, I barely even nibbled the donut.

And two, you got to prorate me on what nibbles I did take.

And three, at my old precinct, The department there.

What? At the department? Hey, a police?

In New York? For donuts?

Even the holes.

Cagney Lacey, the lieutenant, wants to see you.

Luck and Bucks? My husband Harvey loved that show.

You've got to be kidding.

No, the boys watch it whenever they're home sick.

Isn't that the one where they dress up weird and they jump up and down like

crazy people?

Everyone's a critic, but the sorry fact is we got a call from their talent

coordinator, a guy named Stafford. He says it's fixed.

That's terrible.

Remember the $64 ,000 question?

That was terrible, too, sir. What can I say? It's a dog -eat -dog world, right?

These kind of shows, the more the money goes out, the more the ratings go up.

Live, local, and it's trying to go big time. Looks like someone is goosing it

along. I'm sure it is important to someone, Lieutenant.

But come on, isn't this bunko territory?

Bunko's up to their armpits in Wall Street, studios in your precinct.

And besides, ladies, we wanted the best.

To do what?

To go undercover.

As what? Stay here?

No. To test us.

I saw one one time where they all dressed up like tires. Lieutenant, you

he's kidding.

The cover is Bentley's food.

Fruit and vegetable wholesalers. You take two more detectives, you start

tomorrow. Come on! Busting a game show?

The only crime I see being committed here is a DA pandering the press. What

you running for office, Feldberg? That's enough, Sergeant.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Okay. Any questions?

No. Good. Get out of here.

Yes, sir.

Listen.

Get me this.

And I owe you one.

We're talking the national debt here, Feldberg.

Christine, street crime is not the only thing in the world.

Says who?

Take Jane and John Cucubo. There's no streets for them to walk on. What do

do? They stay home. And they maybe bake a few cookies. And they pin their hopes

on something in a game show, Francis.

Couldn't they read a book?

This is important to some people, Christine.

If the game show was crooked, who could they trust?

I thought for one minute you really believed that very thing. Maybe Harvey

give us some pointers on this. You know, he used to watch that show all the time

when he was off work.

Maybe he could give us a crash course after dinner. I'm sure I'm busy.

This is an assignment, Christine. If we don't play the game, we don't get the

bad guy.

I hate it when you quote me.

So who are we going to get to team up with?

I don't know, Sergeant. Who would you like to see jumping up and down a fruit

suit?

Hey, Victor! Victor!

So, I'm Robert B. Roberts, right? I'm the host, and I say, so what do you do

work, Victor? So what do you say?

I work in maintenance.

Bob.

I work in maintenance, Bob.

Everybody smiles and calls him Bob at the end of each sentence.

Fruits and vegetables, Bob.

Always with a smile.

Always with the I'm glad to be here look.

Blah, blah, blah, Bob.

I like to swim and fish, Bob. Do you see what I'm saying?

Always, Bob.

Right, exactly. And why? Because then you exude confidence.

And confidence psychs out the other team.

Confidence is good.

Funny is good. Anything positive is good. And that way, too, see, if the

go off simultaneously and the audience likes you, they're liking you.

decide for Bob who gets the answer. Do you see what I'm saying? Absolutely.

Confidence is good. Funny is good.

Anything positive is good.

Oh, that's right. That's exactly right, Esposito.

Do I really have to kiss this Roberts guy?

Come on, Cagney. Give us a break.

Give me a break, Vicar. The guy is a sleazeball. How would you like to kiss a

guy with hair oil running down his forehead?

Hey, do you want to win or not? I think he's right, Sarge.

Besides, I think the fix is gonna take place on the second day. I'm with Chris

on this kissing business.

Mary Beth, in order to get to the second day, you gotta win the first.

What is your point, Harvey? Oh, come on. So he's a little obnoxious. So he

flirts a little. So he pats a little. The point is, you go with the flow.

You go with the flow.

You're not nervous. You're not nervous. You got a shot at it. It's not a job.

It's an adventure.

Okay. All right.

Here. This is them, and this is you.

Again, Victor, what is the first rule?

Hit the buzzer first, get the question. Right, right. And basically, the rest of

the game is trivia. The key is... Getting to the big board.

Because that's where... The big money is. Right, exactly.

Good. Everybody with me so far?

Yes, sir.

You've got to throw whatever you learned in life up to this point, drift,

caution, decency, right out the window, because if you want to win, you've got

to really think you're playing for keeps and be willing to gamble away every

cent you have.

Jacqueline, chairman of the Watergate Committee.

Senator Sam Irvin. You know, Michael, for another ten subscriptions, you could

get an electronic typewriter?

You have to want to win, babe, more than breathe.

Okay, Mikey, plug her in.

I want the bike, Mom.

Desire. Desire, babe, is the whole ball of wax.

Blonde hair and a bun. That'd be nice.

The bike is nice, Michael, but did you take a look at these other prizes here?

Resigned because she wouldn't fire Archibald Cox.

Try it again.

Concentration, Mary Beth, and equal success. Think win, babe.

Think win. I'm thinking.

Oh, would you look at this?

Washington, D .C.

Two -day guided tour, historical landmark, live session of Congress.

250 subscriptions.

Buzzer waits for no one, Mary Beth Elliott Richardson.

You think they're going to ask those kind of questions? I don't know, Mary

but they should.

How come you didn't tell me about the Washington deal, Michael? Because I want

the bike.

Honey, if you can get 150 subscriptions, you can get 250 subscriptions.

You're over halfway there already.

I've only got 78.

Then your father and I could sell more, right, Harvey? Official finally showed

Cox the door. Robert Bork, what about the men at the site?

Hey, I'm a boss, not a newsstand.

One more time, Mikey.

Honey, this is a chance of a lifetime. Michael, this is the cradle of our

democracy. I've been there.

You were too young. Mom, the bike's got nag wheels.

Nixon Supreme Court nominee laughed out of town. You can see the Jefferson

Memorial.

Carswell. I was thinking hard.

Something's burning, Dad.

Huh? Don't put that in there.

You know, Coleman has a wager going as to whether Connie Vale's superstructure

is homegrown or enhanced.

I know. I'm going to be the judge.

What are you going to base your ruling on?

The old subway bump.

I can't believe this is happening. Me either. You know, I've never been on TV

before.

Does my hair look funny to you?

Not any more than usual.

Look, all we have to do is win today, all right? Teamwork.

We kill off the competition, then tomorrow we play each other. Then we

fix.

Is that all?

What are you worried about?

Nothing. Who's screwing up? I'm looking like a jerk.

So is that.

Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.

Merrily, merrily, merrily.

What?

I used to sing that when my kids, when they were afraid of the dark.

What?

Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream Merrily, merrily, merrily,

merrily Life is but a dream Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream Row, row, row your boat

Gently down the stream Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream

And round now! Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream Row, row, row

boat

Welcome to Luckin' Buck. My name is Stafford, and my job is to make you all

stars.

Stafford is also our inside man.

Okay, now let's talk about energy. Julie, you just won $10 ,000. What do

Faint dead away.

No, no, no, that's a little bit over the top. How about screaming and squealing?

Can you do that?

I could scream and squeal. Good, good, good, good. Now, how about you? Betty,

you just won a new car. What do you do?

Don't tell me.

Scream and squeal.

You catch on real quick.

Clark, isn't that Connie Vale?

She's cute, but she's still a suspect.

I had a dream about her last night. We were riding this train together.

And you went into a tunnel, right?

How'd you know?

This is for you.

Who are they from?

I don't know.

Don't let your avarice get the best of you.

I must be from Harvey.

Isn't that sweet?

Very thoughtful.

Stafford. Get up here, chop, chop.

Oh, that is my master's voice. I must run up to the control room. Okay,

everybody, everybody, 20 minutes to showtime.

Chop, chop.

I don't give a damn. I'm not going out there.

Come on, Christine.

It's not so bad.

I ain't telling you, Feldberg is a dead man. You hear me?

They can give me 20 in Attica. They can bust my stripes.

I don't care. It'll be worth it. If I sure as there's a God in heaven, I'm not

going out there.

Okay, you ready?

Well, that's our first team, ladies and gentlemen.

Wicked, aren't they?

Now let's meet the competition they'll be up against.

Let's hear it for Bentley Food.

Purple is an excellent color for you, sir.

Oh, this tomato is definitely right.

Number three.

That'll keep you out of the army, sir.

My kind of meat, and I'm on no diet.

Hello, darling.

And your name is?

Betty Bob.

Betty Bob?

No, Betty comma Bob. Bob. Just Betty.

Just Betty.

And the last name?

Gordon Bob.

Betty Gordon.

Betty Gordon. Well, you make a good -looking pineapple, Betty Gordon.

Doesn't she, folks, huh?

You're not married, are you, Betty? No, Bob.

Excuse us.

Tell me, Betty, how would a randy guy like me find a lust -filled phone number

like yours?

I give up, Bob. Where?

My, my, my, my, my next case.

Look at this. Who are you?

Butch Leitecheck, Bob.

Maintenance and pest control.

Bob? Yes?

No, I was just trying with you.

Fine, have it your way. Tell me, Butch, what will you do if you win some of that

big moolah today?

Easy, Bob.

Ask out Connie Vale.

Connie Vale!

Look who's over here.

What's the matter, darling?

You scared?

I, uh... I work in purchasing, Bob.

I'll buy that.

And your name?

In purchasing. I work in purchasing.

Uh -huh.

And what do you do there?

Um... Julie Montague, Bob.

Tomatoes act that way from time to time. You have to understand them.

Look who's here. Mr. Seedless Graves. Mr.

Seedless. What do you do?

Clark Benoit, Bob. I keep the books.

Clark Benoit. You're Clark Benoit?

I heard he was here. It's Clark Benoit. He keeps the books.

Clark. May I call you Clark? Please do, Bob.

Clark.

Frankly, between you and I, do you cheat a little bit on those books?

Well, we call it creative bookkeeping.

Creative bookkeeping.

You're ready to play, though, aren't you, Clark?

Bet, Bob.

How about it, everybody?

You think it's time to play?

Yeah!

What are we playing for?

Hello to Mommy. Alice, she's the one in red, baby.

Come on, everybody. Come on, sweetheart.

All right, grab bag for 50.

A coral reef surrounding... Archipelago, Bob. Right.

He wrote poems and was one of Italy's first fascists.

With the lady, Bob.

No, sorry.

Booker wins for 200.

Gabrielle D 'Annunzio. Right you are.

All right, leading right along. Subject is U .S. President, who was the second

pre...

Julie Montague.

Julie?

Julie?

Come on, Julie.

Sorry, Burger Whiz.

John Adams, Bob.

Correct.

Correct answers, Burger Whiz, and a trip to the... Big Board Club.

But first, this.

Commercial method.

Don't go away, doll.

Two minutes.

Hold your positions.

Hey, love bunny.

I meant what I said.

I'll be cruising by any time you're bruising by. Get my drift.

Wink, wink.

Yeah, and I'm already nauseous. Get mine.

Wink, wink.

Excuse me.

I swear if that oinker lobbers over me one more time, there's going to be

nothing left of him but an oil slick.

Hey, Betty, you're in love.

Hey, look, Butch, you already screwed up with Mussolini, all right? Don't press

your luck.

That's something on my mind.

So tell Coleman they're real.

Tell her about your dream, Butch.

You lost the snowmobile, Betty.

You jumped the buzzer.

Hey, hotshot, I've got setbacks on my mind, okay?

Christine, listen, I am so sorry about Friesen back there. Forget about him, I

bet. All right, we'll get him on the next round.

We'll go a little easy on the buzzer, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Come here, come here.

Josie, Josie, grab hold of it.

Okay, with your other hand, point the sixth arrow.

How about it, everybody? You think we're ready to play?

My wicked, wicked ways.

Right. Well,

well, well.

Another one for Julie Montague. Next question, Bob.

All right.

The tomato's warming up.

It was a bird painted black to conceal its true value.

The multi -spoken, Bob.

Right again.

All right. A two -parter.

This director, known for his slow -motion violence, filmed a famous

-up with Bill Holden.

He's off, right? He's on a roll.

The director is Sam Peckinpah, Bob.

Right. And the name of that movie?

The Professionals, Bob.

No, I'm sorry.

Burger Whiz. The Wild Bunch, Bob?

The Wild Bunch is correct.

I knew that.

Time to break the buzzer.

the tough one. This troubled actor... Marlon Brando, Bob!

Oh, sorry.

Bentley Foods.

Mr. James Dean, Bob.

Correct! Bob wins, Bentley Foods, and a trip to

the... Big Board Club!

Okay, nice going right there.

Anybody see anything suspicious?

No?

Ten faces.

Harvey said pick two vowels for starters, remember?

Right. You choose.

Oh, uh, an E.

And an... G.

Vowels. She's a ginger. She's good luck.

Oh, calm down, butch. We having problems, boys and girls?

Oh, everything's just groovy, Bob. All right, fine. Then time's up, Bentley

Foods. May I have your two letters, please?

We're gonna go with E, Bob?

G, Bob.

E and G.

Sounds pretty good.

Connie Vale.

The first, the second, and the fourth letters, please.

Okay.

Okay, gang.

You want to gamble? Or go for what's behind the curtain?

We're going to bet $3 ,000, Bob.

They're going for it!

All right! That gives you one more letter.

A what? We want a why! We want a why, Bob!

A why.

Connie, in the tenth space, please.

Bentley Foods, you have ten seconds.

Is it generosity, Bob?

Yes.

You've won $10 ,000.

You now have just 15 seconds to double that amount to $20 ,000 by guessing its

opposite, a seven -letter word.

$20 ,000, what is your answer, please?

Is it avarice, Bob?

Yes!

Avarice is correct!

The clue was on the card.

Where? I stuck it back in the flowers.

Maybe you threw it away.

Good, Victor.

I think that my husband has sent me fresh -cut flowers, so the next logical

thing to do is to throw them away. That's good detective work. Will you get

mind out of the tunnel?

There's only a hundred. Great game, team.

Hey, Stafford, who has access to this room?

Nobody. It's locked.

Are you guys on to something?

Who brought you the flowers?

One of our runners.

We'd like to talk to him.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, by the way, based on today's scoring, the teams for tomorrow will

Butch and Betty versus Julie and Clyde. Cool.

Good luck, guys. Keep me posted.

All right, we'll check out the runners.

Let's go, Banana Grant.

That'll be another clue tomorrow.

Whoever makes it to the big board will probably get it.

Yeah. And break the case.

Don't worry, Mary Beth.

I'll share the collar.

You wish.

Of course, I had to work tonight.

What about tomorrow night?

Uh -huh.

Yeah.

Well, can't you get a babysitter?

Oh, come on, Ginger. Get serious.

She wants to take the kids with us to Coney Island. Can you believe it?

we got work to do. Come on. Yeah, well, look, it's not a place for kids. It's

romantic.

The roller coaster.

You holding on to me.

Huh?

Yeah.

Yeah. Victor, I am serious, all right? This is police business.

Just give me two seconds. Let me just get a word in, okay?

You want to know what it is? Well, honey, I'll tell you what it is. Yeah.

Look, I knew that, but... First you apologize, then you hang up, and then we

work. Now!

Ginger, sweetheart, love tummy.

I have to go now.

I apologize for Victor.

You better step back, Mary Beth. Big piece of green pepper's gonna splatter

of here any second.

I don't know why you keep making that stuff, Paul. I'm gonna freeze the pull

it. Hey, when I saw you all red and juicy bouncing around on TV today, I

couldn't help myself.

How was the library?

Good. Manny has a quick study. I think we'll do good tomorrow.

Boy, you were sure cooking today.

Rawed out of the pack in a homestretch.

That's correct, Julie.

Right again, Julie.

Honey, you have to talk to Michael for me. Yeah?

I think he's letting this Washington thing slip right through his fingers.

Come on, give it a taste.

Different? Uh -huh.

I mean, it's so educational for him, Harvey. It could be inspiring.

Any kid can get a bike.

That's unusual, Harvey. Cinnamon. I put cinnamon in it.

It's what he wants, babe. Yeah, but we could help him have more.

This Washington thing is the top prize, Harv. We'd stay at the Madison Hotel.

We? Whoever.

Michael and a parent or guardian.

Some white glove service, they said.

Personalized tours. He'd never forget it. Well, you better forget it. He

have a prayer of getting that many subscriptions.

That's a losing attitude, Harvey. Let's make this a winning experience for him.

Sweetheart. Winning is concentration.

You said that. Winning is desire.

You said that. For a game, Mary Beth.

Our son's future is certainly more important than any game, Harvey Lacey.

don't you forget it.

And any man who would deny his son the sight of the Capitol Dome glistening in

the sunlight.

is certainly not the man that I fell in love with.

Listen, Mary Beth, I've been thinking about the case.

Yeah, that's funny. So was I. The floor didn't pan out. Right.

I think we ought to run priors on the rest of the staff.

All right, I'll get on it first thing tomorrow. You could probably use the

to study.

Why? I'm a college graduate.

That's good, because your partner never finished grade school.

Well, I understand tomorrow geography's up, and Victor does know a lot about

Brazil.

Absolutely. Any country with bikinis.

Well, I heard it was science tomorrow.

You know Manny Esposito. He's a whiz with computers.

So, I had an ant farm once.

I have to tell you, Christine, I really feel up for it. I feel terrific.

Me, too.

In fact, I've never felt better.

Listen, Mary Beth. Yeah?

About tomorrow, I really just want to say... Listen, good luck to you, too,

Christine.

Yeah, sure.

This is war.

Tag me in, Lacey. We'll continue.

Who defended Dreyfus?

The French guy or Richard? The French one.

Sola. Emile Sola.

Bingo. Who said it's a far, far better thing than I do?

Uh, Ronald Coleman.

The real one, not ours.

Listen up.

I got some news on Connie Vale.

She cheated on a Miss Wheatgerm beauty contest.

And a couple of bison counters, et cetera, et cetera, so keep an eye on

And Karasa and Jordan got some additional information for you lucky

Tell us about it, Al.

Oh, he's a game show host.

Robert B. Roberts.

alias Henry Gelof, alias Lawrence Fagella. Has long fraternized with

nightclub and underworld types.

Most recent crime, unpaid parking tickets.

Yeah, that's it. In other words, he's slime, but he's clean.

Okay, Bernadine.

Our snitch Stafford, former actor, used to smuggle van loads of untaxed

cigarettes into New York City from Florida.

Strictly small time.

All right, my hunch is that Stafford wants some credit when we make the bust.

Impresses superiors, get a raise.

Okay, that's it for now. I got a division meeting.

Oh, one more thing.

You two fruits and vegetables.

I don't want you out there having a good time. No problem. Remember, this is a

police investigation.

I expect you back here tomorrow with a collar. No excuses.

I got 20 bucks on a pineapple and a banana face. Do I have 30?

50 on the grapes and this tomato. 60?

What's the line on the big banana?

Even Steven.

Suck a bet, but I'll put 60 on the yellow. Make it 70 on the C -list.

Victor's gonna squeeze them and ferment them.

Keep in mind, we have to work together on this.

Absolutely, Sergeant.

United we stand, divided we fall.

Absolutely.

A house divided against itself cannot stand. Abraham Lincoln.

Matthew 6, verse 25.

Lincoln quoted the Bible.

Save it for the game, Chris. Okay.

Sure. Sergeant Coleman, put $25 on me and Esposito to win.

The crotch in this costume was pinching me. It was made for a high -hipped man.

You're supposed to be using your brains, Becky.

My buzzer is too slow.

Your buzzer works just fine.

Look, I can't think when I'm uncomfortable.

You know, we have a case here. Now, does anybody have anything, a clue, a hunch,

an answer?

I know the capital of Paraguay.

I think there's Barra and Pappas are in place. They're looking for any

deliveries. We could have something.

Anything else?

Yeah, it sure would be nice if we got a chance to keep the money.

I know what I do with my share.

So does everybody else, Victor. I get massages, naked massages, in mysterious

places all over the world.

Did Love Tummy get to go?

I'd put half in savings and the other half I'd just give to charity.

Oh, sure. Yeah, me too.

I'd give some to charity.

I don't think that the home for wayward cowgirls is tax deductible.

Julie, Julie, Julie, you sweet thing, you.

Tell me, Angel, how's it feel to want to stab your colleagues in the back?

It feels great, Bob.

That's what we like, folks.

Homicidal contestants.

Hey, what have we here?

My secret love, Betty Gordon.

Hello, darling. How's trick?

Hey, I don't think she liked that, gang.

That right, Betty?

36 and never been kissed?

Let's just say that I worry about communicable diseases.

Okay, Bob?

That's all right. I can take it.

So what about it, gang? You think it's time to...

Billy the Kid. Victor Billy the Kid.

No, no.

Correct. No.

It was her first starring role at 17. She was red -haired.

Maureen O 'Hara in Jamaica Inn.

Right.

A historical figure who had bad skin and had to bathe.

Put your money where your mouth is, Banner. I'll bet five on it, Zito.

You'd spend it, Faberty. I'll double it, Faberty.

Pull it out, if anyone can.

Who knitted while Paris burned?

Julie. Madame Deforge. Correct.

Who fiddled while Rome burned?

Nero. Give that lady a silver dollar.

Who fiddled a deed while Atlanta burned?

Scarlett O 'Hara. Correct.

Who cried while Chicago burned?

Butcher Big Cigar and a trip to the...

You have just 10 seconds to answer correctly, and it's $25 ,000.

Some deep breathing, heavy concentration, and may I have your

answer, please?

The word is gullible, Bob.

All right, just like yesterday,

you now have 15 seconds to double that amount to $50 ,000. $50 ,000 by guessing

the opposite of gullible. A nine -letter word beginning now.

All right, gang.

Time's up. What is your answer, please?

The answer is... This is a bust, Bob.

Wrong.

Police, freeze.

Nobody move.

Relax, Ronnie. We're not vice.

Police, everybody, stay calm now. Cut, cut. Go to commercial.

Give me the card.

Here's the gimmick.

I don't know anything about that.

I get those cards from Terry, the stage manager.

Okay, Terry, don't do anything stupid now. Everybody, just take it easy.

Police. What do you call this there? Don't answer.

Take care of this guy. Manny Reed, the man is right. You have the right to

remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of

law. Yeah, it could be a match. The word was sagacious.

I'm sure you looked at the card.

Hey, I cheat?

Spell it.

Sagacious. S -A -G -A -C -I -O -U -S.

The geisha.

You looked at the card.

Michael has to send in your check with your subscription. I told you before,

your kid does not get a dime until you cough up for the crawlers.

But I do not eat donuts. Then I do not read the police gazette.

All right, Sergeant, fine.

But I am only doing this because my child deserves to visit the seat of our

democracy. The root of fair play and integrity. Official decision, my butt.

There's nothing worse than a sore loser. I want to talk to Coleman about this

decision. What decision? All right, hang on. I tried to explain it, but he

wouldn't. Quiet, everyone.

Bagney and his Becky were ahead when they made the call. They are declared

official winners.

But we never even finished the game. That's what I was saying to her. The

bookie's decision is final.

Hey. Sing for your donut.

Come on, Mary Beth, we're going out.

Do we have a destination?

It's already been released.

Who? Terry, our big -time criminal with the magic marker.

The stage manager?

Right.

For $100 and a trip to the big board, guess who bailed him out?

Robert B. Roberts?

Bob.

Looks like we've been had in front of the entire metropolitan area.

Wrong, Christine.

Bob's cousin Maureen called from Jersey.

We've been humiliated tri -state.

Ladies, I enjoyed the show.

I even had a sudden craving for upside -down cake.

Oh, and, Cagney, by the way, yellow is definitely your color.

But as far as I'm concerned, the case is closed.

Ellsberg, we've been set up. Sorry. We cut our losses, lick our wounds, and

that's it. We just got off the horn.

News of this bus broke at 5 o 'clock last night.

At approximately 9 a .m. this morning, Robert B. Roberts closed a million

-dollar syndication deal.

Meaning what?

Meaning this whole scandal was arranged at some giant TV and newspaper ad.

We've been duped and exploited.

Shmoosed on you. Look, save it for your produce section.

The law is the law.

And it can't be used to avenge the type of hurt feelings one usually has after a

steamy night in a Chevy.

Now, if you don't mind. Wait a minute.

Now, scandal breeds interest, right?

Take your contragates. Take your political intrigues. Your soaps, for

Dallas, Knott's Landing.

I've had a lot of time on my hands these days.

How does that look?

Like you got it in the mail.

Mr. Felberg, it looks like a citation bestowed upon a man who owes us one.

we noticed that your face finally got splashed on the front page as a result

this bust? Nice.

Oh, did you see that?

Look, look, even if you're right, conspiracy is very hard to prove.

nothing I can do.

We were fruits for you. And you were good fruits.

Look, you did your jobs, okay?

You got the stage manager. We'll keep an eye on Stafford, okay?

Saying it was only the stage manager and Stafford is like saying it was only

North End Poindexter. Read my lips. The answer is no.

If there's anything further on this, we'll ferret it out. But for now, the

of New York is satisfied.

I hate to lose.

Even when I used to play jacks in the second grade and whenever I lost, I'd

go nuts.

They hooked us. They played us for suckers.

You know what the worst kind of losing is? Is when they try to convince you you

really won and you didn't.

Why is it always about winning and losing?

What if I have a good, honest effort and I'm doing something for fun?

When you win, you get to keep all the jacks.

Grabbing at the brass ring, wanting something for nothing. That's the

Christine.

It's not like getting to go to Washington when it was really your

father who sold all the magazines.

He would really like to go.

Is that what Michael told you?

He liked it when he went before.

You saying he only wants the bike?

I ain't saying anything.

Uh -huh.

what I used to do when I'd lose to Jets?

Scream and holler and hit the other kid.

I demand a rematch.

Bob, I think it's just that I'm seeing you.

Leave us alone.

We've got ten minutes to show time, Bob. I said alone.

You too.

Oh, well, my two favorite fruits.

Nice to see you out of uniform.

What do you want?

Mr. Roberts, we surmise you know we can't touch you officially.

Look, we want to know how we were outsmarted as women. You understand?

I'm not about to say anything to recriminate myself. What do you take me

Is that a trick question?

Come on, Bob.

You got your syndication show. You're a big hot shot now. What have you got to

lose? You know, I still owe you for that crack you made.

Hey, I was undercover.

Ah, it was an act.

Smart. The audience loved it. You should see the mail.

Betty.

I thought the antagonism between the two of us would help your show.

When I first heard about this case, I fought to get on it. Do tell.

I realized what it was about you when I first met you.

I'm warning you.

I've probably heard it before.

Yeah, you tell him, Mary Beth.

It's charisma, Bob.

Oh, sorry.

She told me you had the most incredible charisma.

I said I heard it before.

Why do you think women love you? Why do you think they dream about being on your

show and dream about being kissed by you? She's right, Bob.

It's not just my good looks, darling.

It's power.

That's the ultimate aphrodisiac.

You're smart.

Sexy smart, too.

Right, sweet thing.

That's why I'll be damned if I'll let a bunch of dumb couch potatoes glued to

their TVs ruin my career with mediocre ratings.

You've got it all.

I think you're terrific.

Gotta leave now.

It's showtime.

Oh, wait a minute.

Let us understand, then, what? Is it like a war?

Right.

And only the big guys win.

Those peons out there worship the ground I walk on.

I lead, they follow. They're thirsty, I lead them to water.

They're hungry, I provide the manna from heaven.

You got what it takes, that's for sure.

Look at the papers.

They want scandal, I give it to them.

That's how you win.

They keep on top, no matter what it takes.

I sell, they buy.

And if it's a lie I'm telling, it's a lie they're buying, darling.

Bob, what are you doing? Your voice is going out to the audience.

What? The stage mic.

It's on.

You're kidding.

I'm sure the peons will understand, Bob.

Royalty is admirable, and it's not what this is about. If there's dirty cops in

this, I'm looking at them. You're burning up a lot of goodwill here. To

your drunken partner.

I know what you're trying to do, and I will not let you steal my son! Then I'll

live someplace else. Thank you for contradicting everything I said to them.

If you don't believe me, then what we have does not work. All Sal has to do is

put a little blood in the water, say it's yours. Those IAD sharks will go

feeding frenzy. Don't touch me! Break off before I arrest you for being drunk

Dodie!