Original subtitles

Full face, Mrs. Lacey. Say cheese.

She's been arrested.

My mother's in jail?

He took my shoelaces, Christine.

That works.

Lacey, you're a cop. Act like it. You told some suburban flatfoot to lock her

and throw away the key? All he sees is Paul Muni Bain is pleading with the law.

I want my rights as an American. Do you know how pig -headed she is?

What's next, Colin? I'm warning you, dupe -nick. Now let her go. First they

stick one broad on me, then the other.

Chemicals cannot correct disharmony when one's orchestra's out of tune.

Time's set if you want it. Final tallies are at the top.

Basil, you're not getting the idea.

See, the figures have to be lower than last month.

Are you saying the computer made an error?

What I'm saying is... That's why I like it.

Nice and runny.

What I'm saying is you're not hearing me.

That's bad enough that I'm being saddened with this community board

also have to prove to them that we are stopping crime from the tracks.

And I know that he died to help. I'm telling you, it's just like that. You

compare the coffee shop to the hole in the wall. Oh, it's Becky!

What's the problem?

I should notice you.

Look, that's me.

There are 33 % more burglary arrests on the East Side. That's only three more

arrests than last month.

Basil, there's still 33%. If they don't know, we'll hurt them.

We'll work with them, all right?

Listen, Becky, look at that Sister Beatrice Feister.

You think they care about girls' basketball?

Besides, that was months ago.

So it's a stretch.

Those little girls haven't forgotten how you coached your heart out for them.

Rivoli, up.

And down the court.

Yeah. You can tell them I'm a stink.

Yeah. I'm a sucker for girls in gym shorts.

Katniss, what about that high diver I saved all the impression?

He's been training on that for 13 years, Barasa.

Oh, what the hell.

Why not think of J -Force?

Okay. Listen up, everybody.

People magazine says that the stones up today are complacent. Well, I...

a thing or two to say to People magazine.

And it's not all loud music and swallowing gummies out there on our

And certainly not at Queens College.

Not by any means.

I mean, William, anti -nuclear rally, huh? Christine, did you know that they

transporting nuclear waste through the streets of Queens?

A committed, caring cop. I like it. No, no!

No way. This is a strictly personal expression, which I am expressing, and

may not use it for your community board meeting.

Just a thought.

So when are you going to be, Jane Fonda?

Tomorrow afternoon.

And I've taken personal leave for it.

Your first peace march? Very good.

Never so late to get involved.

Your first march? My first community board meeting.

Kind of like calling in the back of a Chevy.

That was a deal -wick.

People use this garbage assignment. Me and my new best friend, Inspector

are in the second room with a bunch of screaming citizens who want to know when

I'm going to make their day.

I think I'd rather get Brady than expect his child.

Dagny!

Fear is the only feeling.

It has no music.

What are you on?

Are you looking forward to this month's community board meeting?

Counting the days. That's very good. Do you feel quite capable of taking my

place? I feel I have it well in hand.

That warms my heart.

Suppose then you're familiar with the president of the board. By reputation,

Peter Gates.

He runs the Heavenly Gate Mortuary. Well, some perp made off with his

hearse in our precinct under our very noses.

And you know what Inspector Nelman told me to tell you?

I can only guess that you've got 48 hours to find it.

Well, that community board meeting is going to turn into, and I quote, a

vulture's buffet featuring rack of tank.

That hearse is my flagship.

A congressman's mother took her final ride with my name lettered in silver

on the window.

Am I being understood?

Perfectly, Mr. Gates.

We also have an auto squad on this case.

and every patrolman will have a description of your vehicle, along with

number and the license plate.

Am I correct, sir? It's the personalized license plate on the vehicle, M -O -R

-T -3?

Mort. Looks like Mort.

It's the past tense of Millie.

Different verb to die.

Sure.

Well, we'll be checking with the known chop shops and your competitors,

that might give us a lead. But these things do take time. What do you think I

talking about?

A station wagon?

Well, we'll be in touch.

Not good enough, Sergeant.

This neighborhood doesn't reward incompetence.

If I don't get results from you, the community board will hear about it. So

the chief and the commissioner and... Definitely the mayor.

You can't blame the man for walking out of that church and all he finds is an

oil spout. So what? I've got old ladies coming home from bingo games with their

arms broken and deflated.

I've got merchants who have to close their doors and then it turns dark.

All of whom will be waiting for you at the community board meeting.

You're going to be marching around with people half your age.

Hey, your mother is trying to stand up and be counted. Everybody should have

fire of passion. She cares about what happens on this planet. Now, what's

with that?

For all we know, they could be driving that nuclear waste right through our own

neighborhood. Why don't they just flush it down the toilet?

Tell me he didn't say that.

They can't, sweetheart.

It's too dangerous.

Then how do they get rid of it?

They don't. They bury it, and it's not safe.

That's why people of conscience, people like your mother here, are trying to

spread the word about what's happening.

You mean like marching around and yelling and stuff? Well, you have to get

people to pay attention, to sit up and take notice, which is why the four of us

are going to be there.

Oh, well, honey, I'd love to go. I told you, but I got that two o 'clock,

remember? One of my subs, he's pouring concrete.

What is more important here, Harvey, your conscience or your concrete?

Oh, well, honey, you know I'll be there with you in spirit.

That's some example you're setting here, Harvey.

Yeah, you know, Mom, I got a test on democracy tomorrow, so... See?

I'll be happy to write your teacher a note. You mean we're getting out of

school? To look like geeks in front of the whole world. I am sure that Mrs.

Bulagi will understand this is an important educational experience.

It's an exercise in democracy.

What, marching around with my mother and my little brother?

This family, however, is not a democracy.

So you don't want to go tomorrow? That's fine. You may spend the next four

weekends in the library doing research on nuclear waste.

hour late.

Yeah? Call it fate.

Isn't she gorgeous?

I was passing this little shop scene. There she was sitting in the window like

gift from the angels for my gorgeous little girl.

Thanks, Charlie. That's okay.

Besides, there's never enough light in here anyhow.

That's not what you want to see.

Well? Well, what?

The aspirin for my headache, the pills you were supposed to bring.

I'll be back in a jiffy.

Okay, forget it.

Suit yourself.

It's not my fault you got a hangover. Aye, of course. I'm sober as a judge.

Did my lips move?

Oh, what's this?

Carrot juice?

I call it none of your business.

Oh, excuse me, my saintly sergeant daughter.

I thought we were talking about whiskey here. I guess not.

I guess what we're talking about here is some other way to make poor old Dad

feel guilty.

Fire away.

I don't want to get into this with you.

Yeah, of course not. You can take it or leave it, can't you? I mean, you can

quit any time you want.

Let me tell you something, kiddo.

It ain't that easy. Maybe not for you.

It's a matter of willpower. Of which you have car loads and I don't.

I didn't say that, Charlie.

You happen to have a disease.

Oh, boy.

I knew we'd get here somehow.

Don't you tell me that John Barleycorn doesn't blow his little silver whistle

your ear every day at 5 p .m. Okay, Charlie, why don't we just drop the

Oh, no, no, no, you don't, Miss Holy Earth, now.

I know fear when I smell it.

I'll bet you a hundred bucks you can't stay off the booze for a week.

Oh, really?

Well, I'd be happy to if you do. Oh, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Hey, no guts, no

glory, Charlie.

Gonna be the easiest hundred bucks I ever made. Yeah?

Hope it's so easy. Why don't we double the bet?

You got it.

Swirl.

Well, keep checking. What about places where cars are stripped and abandoned?

I don't mean the entire Bronx.

Hi.

Mind if I share a very special thought?

Intensity. K -Zag, do you have anything for me to take to the community board?

You know, Cagney, there are no discordant notes when you're in tune

natural harmony.

I never thought about it like that before.

Nothing yet, Cagney.

Well, the thing is, we've got to stop fighting.

Symphony is stronger than all of us. He's at the dock having a spinal

Allow me to introduce you to individual manifestations affecting general

existence. Image.

That really helps, huh? Turn my life inside out.

Image. There we go.

Captain. You can charge her.

Your manner speaking.

What's wrong?

Well, I just got a call from the 119.

And Queen.

Yeah. You better get over there right away.

Second time, maybe you better sit down.

Why? What's wrong?

Slicy. She, um... What's the matter? Go on. Is she all right?

Call me and talk to me. She's been arrested.

And I charged her and sent her to riot?

You're right.

All right, if I

could have your attention, please.

All right, quiet down now.

Sergeant Horowitz will be moving you quickly through process.

After you've been ID'd, you will be issued a desk appearance ticket. You all

right? I'm fine, buddy.

How are my fellow protesters holding up? Just worried as though we followed the

paddy wagon here.

Excuse me.

We have a report here that a member of the force was inadvertently picked up.

Boy, that cop sure threw you around a lot.

Sweetheart, I am fine.

He's a rookie, and sometimes I think I have to act like Rambo.

Officer? I'm over here.

Just a nun.

Detective Lacey.

Nice to see you again.

More world, huh?

Very.

Harv, why don't you go ahead and take the boys home?

We just can't leave you here, baby.

Harvey, don't worry. It'll take about an hour for me to get processed.

And Muriel's waiting with the baby. So she'll be waiting on you to take her

home. Will she be okay?

It's a simple ticket. I'll grab a cab.

Detective Lacey, we haven't got all day. Hey, you got cabs here?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

I'll see you later.

Just take care of yourself, okay? All right.

Bye, Mom. All right. Come on, guys.

What's the problem,

Leah?

Midlife crisis?

Things too quiet in Manhattan?

You got to come on to my turf to ferment social upheaval?

May we get on with this, please?

I know.

You were afraid they started a revolution without you. It was not a

It was an orderly civil demonstration until your Rambo rookie had to get bad

shivvies. Sure, I didn't do it. It wasn't me.

Everybody's last words before they march into the guillotine.

But happy day we both wear boots.

Huh?

There's one cop going up.

Read me that.

Detective Dubnik, I'm not asking for special treatment.

Look, look, let's just call it a case of mistaken identity.

I didn't see you, you didn't see me, all right?

Well, I saw the cop that jumped on me. They teach you that gentle touch out

here? Hey, hey, hey, you and your peacenik buddies here were blocking

These people are innocent citizens whose only crime is they don't want to die

glowing like flea cotton.

Lacey, I am not going to say it twice.

Hit the bricks. I want my rights as an American.

Oh, so they can say Dubnik, the one who bought the cops.

I don't have enough enemies, huh? Forget it. I don't believe this. Never. Never

in all my years. Not even parochial school.

Lacey, you're a cop. Act like it. You're a cop. You act like it. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You want your ticket? I want my ticket. Then take your damn ticket. I

will. And cram it where the son of... Take a droop, Nick. Doop, Nick.

Of course.

I'm Sergeant Kegley.

Oh, how are you? My partner.

It's a tiny little misdemeanor. It's nothing.

Nothing? Are you nuts? You might as well be running guns to the Irish.

You know what's next for you?

The switchboard.

Tending lost dogs.

Good tickets, like a lousy parking citation. You want to go back to school,

Crossy? What are you making such a big deal for? I'm wearing that outfit with a

snappy white belt yelling stop and go in the middle of a blinding snowstorm. It

is a trumped -up charge, and I want my day in court.

You don't have to do this.

Let that jerk Doudnick eat his ticket.

What about the other protesters?

How's it going to look to them?

Maybe they wouldn't notice.

I want them to notice.

Who says the cops are allowed to set themselves above the law?

So a rookie got online, right?

And filed a complaint with the room review board.

Type of 49 to the commissioner.

Yeah, that'd probably be the smartest move. Believe me, Mary Beth.

Believe me, he won't regret it.

And it is the easiest.

That occurs.

It's not the fairest, Mary Beth. I know, I know.

You're absolute.

This is a matter of conscience, Christine.

Detective Dubnik, I want my ticket!

What?

You told him to do what?

Well, I'm paraphrasing.

You told some suburban flatfoot to lock her up and throw away the key?

Now, you weren't there, Lieutenant. You don't understand the nuances.

Nuances? Well, I tried to reason with the woman. I did.

But you know how pig -headed she is. Can you imagine the kind of embarrassment

you're causing me?

I embarrassed you?

She's embarrassing us!

Well, you're not in charge here, damn it! I am!

Well, maybe I was a little hasty.

There's only one way that Duke Nick can save face now.

To make us look even stupid in the ears.

We'd have to get frontal lobotomies.

Remember, no discordant notes.

When you're in tune with your image, the world is in tune with you.

My headache is gone.

Well, yeah.

No kidding.

Mind and body.

Like two perfectly tuned instruments.

How would you like to be in tune with the rhapsody of joyous abandon?

Sergeant. Yes, you're a true sergeant, and I respect you for that. You are...

Don't start with me, Esposito. I'm not going to your stupid seminar.

Coleman!

Where's Coleman? A real sorry.

Giving of yourself to the people around you. I don't got something to give you,

Esposito. I need an eternal bliss. All right, all right.

Coleman, where is my hearse? What is happening? We only have one more day to

find it.

Their hearse.

Oh, yeah, that. They found it.

Where? At a teeny -bop drive -in in Brooklyn.

They're listening to this to get better. The uniforms that order cheeseburgers.

Don't tell me. They had to wait for their order.

They lost it! They're going to find it. We'll get it back.

Come on, we're going over to Flannery's. You want to join us for a few?

Yeah, Cagney.

Come on, I'll treat you.

Terrific. Oh,

by the way, your father called, told me to tell you he's going shopping, and the

200 -smacker ring said you'd understand.

So let's get going.

Maybe I'll join you guys later, okay?

Okay.

I'll be at the chicken room.

Detective

Dutnick,

do you know what time it is?

What is the holdup?

No problem, Citizen Lacey.

Artie!

Artie, you have that five -point check?

Oh, oh, oh.

Artie must be having supper.

When will he be back?

What's today?

Wednesday. Today is Wednesday.

Wednesday's always a light day.

So he'll be back... Very late.

I thought you said... Don't worry.

It's not like you're a dangerous criminal.

Of course, try and tell that to the computer.

Do you spell Marybeth with an E or without?

Exactly the way it sounds.

That's what I told the boys.

Our Marybeth would never be mixed up with any bank robbers.

However, seeing as how you don't want any special privileges, we still have to

verify your current address.

My husband was here. He could have vouched for me.

And we sent a patrol car around to your house. Nobody answered. We can hardly

cross -examine a mailbox.

Nobody was home because they were here.

Mrs. Lacey!

I do not know how they do things in Manhattan, but here we do it strictly by

numbers.

Mr. Dupnik, you like numbers? Why don't you check the 61 you filed when our

house was robbed and your people recovered nothing?

Section 11016 of the patrol guide.

I'm afraid it's very specific.

You know damn well who I am.

So let's quit wafting around.

My feet hurt.

Yeah? I got a pain, too.

Okay. Okay, you made your stand.

Hip, hip, hooray.

Now, please, go home to the bosom of your happy family.

Not without my ticket. Take your ticket!

I am trying to help you. I don't want to be helped. I want to be like everybody

else. You are not like everybody else.

Can't you get that to your ticket?

Process me and let me go.

As soon as the car is available.

We will send it around again.

Of course, what with riots and insurrection.

You may have the morality of a cockroach, but my principles are at

You want to play Joan of Arc?

Fine.

I got plenty of matches.

My mom's in jail? Whoa, whoa. Calm down, boys. It's going to be okay.

Come here.

What if this thing's on TV? What if people find out? We'll be famous. Oh,

it's just a simple misunderstanding.

By morning, they're bound to let her out.

Wait till I tell Jason.

Tiffany's gonna leave me. Hey, fellas, this is your mother. She is standing up

for what she believes in, and we are going to back her up. Now, do you hear

You think I'm stupid?

Well, I am not stupid.

I know why you're doing this, and you know what? I don't care.

I have bigger fears.

My children and my children's children growing up in a society where nuclear

waste is routinely bought through the streets of Queens like it was

garbage.

Fuck.

You want to hear scared?

Give us a full face, Mrs. Lacey.

What, here?

Right here.

Yes,

Detective Lacey caused any hard feelings. I apologize.

And I assure you in a day or two, three, at the most, you will be receiving an

apology personally from her. Look, that lady has been given every opportunity to

walk, to which she has responded by thumbing her nose at me in front of

everyone. Well, she's a very moral person, and sometimes she gets curious.

Well, I belong to Greenpeace, save the porpoises. For me, the oceans wear a

All I'm asking is that you let us take care of our own. Hey, she wants over the

wall, fine.

I'll be glad to hold the ladder for her. But she doesn't want over. She wants to

hop up and down on it and yell about her freedom.

But Duke, Nick, so far I have managed to keep this strictly unofficial, far be

it for me to mention the sergeant's right. Sergeant, sergeant, sergeant,

sergeant, please, please.

I do not work for you, remember? I am just some poor, dumb schlub stuck out

in the suburbs. This is just a game to you, isn't it? Beat up on the big, bad

Manhattan cop.

There is no fooling you, is there? I'm warning you, Duke Nick. Let her go.

It's the perfect crime, isn't it? First they stick one broad on me, then the

other.

What is it that you want from her, huh?

You want her to kiss your ring, is that it?

Hey. Let me tell you something. You are not fit to carry that woman's lunch.

You want her out of here?

Fine. You talk to her. You tell her in whatever language you people speak that

it is up to her. That she'll just listen. That she'll just be reasonable.

am a reasonable guy.

My lipstick, my nail file, my compact.

He took my shoelaces, Christine.

The work.

You know what he said?

God forbid the phone rings and you take your belt and you wrap it around your

neck and you do the Dutch act.

Mary Beth, all the men want is a simple apology.

Apology?

Why should I give that man an apology?

for bringing peace and harmony into his life. What do you think?

Hey, it was Duke Nick's uniform that jumped on me in the first place.

What if he had touched one of my kids? He didn't touch your kids. It's a matter

of principles.

All he sees is Paul Muni banging his head in his mouth.

She couldn't verify my ID, so I showed her my gold shield, which he took, in

case I defaced departmental property.

Maybe that's what could be just. You know what I mean? My gold shield only

alleges I am who I say I am.

Well, for God's sake, what do you expect?

You came into this thing with bad blood between the two of you already.

Would you forget about your camera stick?

That's what I'm saying! The man's a perfect idiot!

Nobody's perfect.

We have to do something.

Christine.

Call his squad commander.

I called his squad commander.

Well, call my lieutenant.

Get Lieutenant Samuels to talk to his squad commander. I already talked to

Samuels.

Well, come on, Christine! Help me here!

Anything in here to dig with?

It's a joke. There you go, Josie.

Oh, thank you. Green lacy.

Green lacy. How much?

Oh, man. We're all notes on the keyboard of life.

What do you say I sign you up for the seminar?

If you ask me, I'd say we go bust Duke Nick in the face.

Seriously, you're not charging anything?

They're not edible.

I want one on every cup in Manhattan.

Mackenzie? What?

I don't believe it. All the favors he owes me.

They're stonewalling us in Queens.

The key here is not aggression. The key is the intense focus of all of our

harmonic energy.

I say we dynamite his house.

Babe.

all right do i look all right harvey what do you hear is kind of must what do

you think they got a maid service here no no i just pictured a couple of stools

maybe a sink what they do with the furniture i burnt it to the ground big

what do you think harvey this is it allows it cut a mattress you wouldn't

to touch with clean hands and all of a sudden you're sleeping on it who cares

Something inside you snaps.

You become like this half -animal, like one of these people they find wandering

the jungle, believing it's still World War II.

Babe, you can't say you didn't make your point. I mean, man, oh, man, who would

have thought, huh?

What is so funny, Harvey?

Nothing, nothing.

Both the boys, they send you love.

Uh -huh.

You explained it all to them, huh? Oh, sure, sure.

They know that it's about injustice.

They know that it's a matter of principle.

Absolutely. Mikey asked if you'd been tortured, if you could hear screams.

Mary Beth, I caught him lifting my hacksaw. He said something about hiding

a cave.

And then there's his older brother. He's thinking about changing his name.

I don't believe this.

My wife's an ex -con.

Hey, you know, I never slept with an ex -con.

Keep it up, Harvey, and maybe you never will.

Oh, come on, Mary Beth.

I've seen that troop, Nick.

He's no match for you.

Visiting hours are over.

Bye -bye, Pete.

You may kiss the bride. You may kiss my butt.

Well, Mrs. Lacey, I have to hand it to you.

You're a caring, committed person, and certainly the neatest prisoner we've

had the pleasure of.

You all through now?

Are you finished?

Because my husband has ID'd me and I would like to go home.

Let me ask you something.

What do you usually like to hear first, the good news or the bad?

Don't start with me, Dubnik. You see, what I was coming down here to tell you

that the paperwork seems to have disappeared.

Never enough hours in a day, huh?

What would help would be a letter, a note, anything that would

absolve my uniforms from any misconceptions that might have arisen

arrest.

You'll be drawing your pension first.

Right.

That's what I told them you'd say.

They said, no, go ahead and talk to her. And I said, why?

The woman's crazy.

Talk to her.

apologize.

I'll be cleaning this up right away.

No,

I heard a missing person.

Yeah.

All right.

It's nice.

It goes with your eyes.

Wait.

on that Gateshurst?

Well, a uniform in Rockaway ticketed the vehicle before checking the hot sheet.

And by the time they checked it, it was gone.

It's too bad. It would have been nice news to bring that community board

tonight.

You do remember that it convenes at 7 .30 sharp.

Hey, where else would I rather be?

You're not wearing that, are you?

I guess not.

Right.

Will you take off now?

You have plenty of time to fix yourself up.

You and the price, Diego.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

If not tonight, can I put you down for a future seminar?

Oh, I'll take that as a definite maybe.

So what do you say, partner? Can I put you down for tonight?

I don't know.

If it's just the money. You don't look different.

My money is your money.

You're different.

Good night.

Good night and have a beautiful night.

Yeah.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Thank God for great.

May the fort be with you.

Let me pour you a glass.

No, thanks.

What?

You heard me.

I'm sorry.

I thought I was hearing voices again.

Go ahead, make jokes.

I'm not the one with the problem.

You know, every time you trip in here, you have a bottle of wine in your hand.

Is everything easing up?

Who are we playing this time?

Carrie Nation?

I'm serious, Tony. That's what makes you so challenging.

Just once.

I'd like to see you come over here with a quart of maybe nonfat milk or maybe a

nice cold pitcher of lemonade.

Freshly squeezed or reconstituted.

Take it from me, Tony.

I have never been clearer.

I've been thinking thoughts that I haven't thought and, well, I, since I

know when.

See that?

Non -alcoholic.

Very nice bouquet.

Come on, Dupik. You want to start something?

Why don't you open this cage and hit me, why don't you? You're nothing but a

great big bag of wind. Then how come all the hot air's blowing from your side of

the boss?

What is this job a game to you guys out here?

You got nothing better to do than jerk around the wife and mother of three

children? One not yet out of diapers?

I didn't jerk you around.

You jerked yourself around. You know who I was the minute I raised my hand. The

patrol guy. How about that patrol guy?

I got juice, Duke Nick, and I intend to use it. A fat lot of good it's done you

so far.

Okay.

I'm through being a nice person. You want trouble.

I'm going to give you trouble.

I'm going to carry the truth about you all over the department.

Consider the source a crazed hippie cop. A hippie cop who happens to be an

official delegate to the Detective Endowment Association.

Oh, yeah?

Well, so am I.

Well, then listen up at the next meeting, wise guy, if you can stay up

when I warn our fellow detectives what we got hiding in our midst.

A wolf in sheep's clothing. One look at your fangs, they'll give me a purple

heart. And if that don't settle your hash then and there, I also am at

the recording secretary.

And I'm a past vice president. So what?

So I'm going to write all about you in the official newsletter.

My brother -in -law is one of the evidence. One call to him.

There won't be a story.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I have friends, too.

My husband called one of them.

Lynn Sutter.

Big deal.

You don't know her?

You don't know her work?

She works for the largest daily in Manhattan.

So does my son, the paper boy.

Well, you ought to know her work.

She follows the department very closely. She wrote that controversial piece on

certain disturbances out here.

Come on, Lenny Sutter.

Practically a household name at one police plaza, particularly with a

commissioner. And you people in Queens can't use any more publicity.

You're bluffing. You wouldn't dare.

Joan of Arc, huh?

We'll see whose tootsies get burnt.

I almost forgot how great you feel.

I've got a short memory, Harvey.

It's only been one single night.

Me too.

Oh, my darling.

Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Lacey.

Hey, look who's here.

Look at this.

Feeding their baby sister.

I did what any sane

person would do with a rabid dog in her face.

Referring to the president of the board as a dog does not show much community

sensitivity, Sergeant. The last long ambulance like that was Custer. You set

up. Not only didn't you find Gates is hurt, but you presented a series of

figures that any three -year -old could have shot down. The brown four -door.

Inspector, those people were out for blood.

Like that sweet old lady, Mrs. McElroy?

A woman who would stand on a chair screaming with her eyes shut and her

tight little tips.

It's hardly what I would call sweet. I have had my fill of your opinion,

Sergeant. You need more practice.

Inspector, look, this really should be a PR job. The board meeting is your beat,

Cadney. Next month and the month after and on and on till those people sing We

Love the Boys and Girls in Blue in the middle of Fifth Avenue on Easter Sunday.

Understood?

Sergeant Cadney!

I'd like to have a word with you.

Think of it as a growth experience.

Let's get down with some calcium.

Did you tone down the chip a little?

I've got a very hard day.

What's this?

Leftovers from a past life?

No, it is real life happening now. Let me have that.

When you're stepping off the wagon, you need a buffer.

Ever heard of moose milk?

What are you doing?

Love it. Where's the sugar?

That's eight -year -old Scott that you're ruining.

Gentile old ladies with tender stomachs swear by this.

Who is it?

We never sleep pretzel delivery.

Hi, Charlie.

What's that?

Never let it be said that Charlie Cagney well's done a bet.

Uh, Pop, can we talk about this tomorrow?

You are not going to invite your honest father in.

Uh, I have company.

Here's your moose milk.

That's a particular favorite of my sainted mother's. And I guess that makes

even.

I was going to tell you.

Seminar? More like a mass mugging. Your problem is you can't stand honest. My

problem is I can't stand you. Taking you there was a waste of time. You can't

enlighten a vegetable.

Hey.

It works?

I know what this is about. You want to welch on the money. Hello. What? I'm

trying to collect for me. I dare you. Fine. Not only are you old, vanilla, and

piece of white bread, now you're a welcher, too.

Hey, that's the veto. Don't bug me, Coleman.

No, welcome home.

Everything I said was true.

Oh, yeah?

A Jewish Gabby Hayes? And that's my Puerto Rican howdy doody. Oh, but get

higher consciousness, Coleman, because I'm going to put you in touch with your

unconscious. Would you guys grow up?

Have you ever really looked at the steering wheel the way it starts out

this little beat and comes all around and beats right back into the same exact

place?

And it makes you feel good all over.

I don't know about anybody else, but I'm going to go back there tomorrow.

Shallow arms, late for easy pushing.

Late!

Get money off, now!

Sir? I know I embarrassed you. I embarrassed the whole squad. I'm sorry.

poor judgment.

I know what you're thinking, sir.

She knows better.

She shouldn't have done it. She's no kid. I mean, her kids are old enough to

have kids. Well, the oldest one, anyhow.

And she doesn't set the world on fire like me or even Esposito.

She doesn't read the paper. I mean, does she even vote Democrat? And all of a

sudden, she's out there on the picket line getting busted. And you're saying

yourself, great God almighty, what if the press finds out?

I know. I'm with you, sir.

It doesn't make sense. I mean, here she is, trying to make second grade.

It took her long enough, and now it's like she's begging to get back into

uniform. So every day could be lost dogs and parking meters, standing in front

of your locker, totally depressed, putting on one pants leg, and then the

lieutenant. I never meant for this.

Lacey! Yes, sir?

Do me a favor, will you? Just stay out of my face. Just for a while, you got

And two, any rotten job that comes along here, you jump at it. Yes, sir. Thank

you, sir.

And three.

That's a real fuss.

You're upset, Christine, and I don't blame you. But you can't blame me for

clinging to my principles.

I'm not blaming you for clinging. It was that special way you clung.

Sometimes when you're a person like me and you want to make a point, you've got

to stand on your toes and yell a little bit.

Clear at the top of your lungs?

Sometimes.

Okay, maybe I went overboard a little bit. I apologize.

Well, you want me to say it again?

Look, it's only because I'm interested in you.

In your life, in your promotion.

Now, if you'd just gone along with what I was setting up, then we would... Well,

you were setting up. You heard me. I had a whole game plan going before you

started mouthing off.

What are you talking about? You always have to mouth off. You're so damn overly

emotional. What game plan?

Mary Beth, come on.

You've got to make sergeant by the time I make lieutenant, or they're going to

separate us.

Oh, I see. And then I get to be lieutenant when you get to be captain?

That's right.

And then you make chief of detectives and I make inspector. How come you

come out ahead of me in the game plan?

What's my plan?

Anyways, I've already got some of the stuff set in motion. Oh, yeah? Like you

get to be president and I get to be vice president?

What's wrong with that? Because nobody knows who the vice president is. That's

what's wrong with it.

He's always got it. someplace or en route.

Name one vice president of Franklin Roosevelt. Go ahead, try.

Henry Wallace. Okay, you got lucky. Who else?

Harry Truman. What is the big deal here? Maybe I have a game plan.

You ever think about that?

Maybe once I would like to be in charge.

Be my guest.

We'll go to lunch, you pick.

It's 8 .30 in the morning.

Perfect. We'll go early.