Original subtitles

You call these swing clothes?

How many times I got to tell you, you've got the wrong guy.

We don't have all the kinks out of the system yet.

And look, I got to go to the John, or is that a federal offense?

Okay, take it easy.

We'll take care of it.

Hold it!

What

happened?

He wanted a car and attacked for the gas.

Unleaded?

You two got an assignment. You're in charge of security for Helen Granger.

She arrives tomorrow.

The Helen Granger who's been bum -rapping the Equal Rights Amendment?

Yeah, that's the one.

Well, how do you feel about the enemies you've made because of your conservative

stand on these issues?

Well, I suppose it can't be helped.

Besides, it's not as if I'm running for political office.

Nothing you do would surprise me.

I am going to take that as a compliment.

Mrs. Granger, as a leading figure in the anti -feminist movement, haven't you

acquired a great deal of power for someone who would like us to think of

just another wife and mother?

I don't think of it as power. I think of it as support for my beliefs.

Oh, and what exactly are those beliefs?

That every American woman has the right to be a full -time wife and mother

without being forced to work outside the home.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I could be out finding Harvey around a birthday present.

Helen would love that.

That's right, boys. You don't know it, but you're in much worse shape

than we are.

I think my lunch is coming up. I think you're talking about economics here.

I'm talking about freedom.

Economic freedom.

What about the economic freedom of men whose jobs have been taken over by

Well, just to be fair, I think this would be a very good time to read the

Rights Amendment.

What do you think?

Thank you very much, Mrs. Ellen Granger, for being here today.

I loved every minute of it. Thank you so much, Hal.

After we meet her, I'm not going to say anything. I'm afraid what will come out

of my mouth. Well, it certainly went by very quickly.

You were wonderful. Oh, thanks again. Watch your step. Oh, yes, yes. Thank

Thanks. Mrs. Granger?

Yes. I'm Detective Lacey, NYPD. This is Detective Cagney. How do you do?

What can I do for you? We've been assigned to protect you.

But I requested police protection because a man... We know, ma 'am. We're

Your limousine's waiting outside.

Something tells me you're uncomfortable, Mrs. Granger.

Uncomfortable?

With us being your security.

I guess you feel safer with a couple of guys.

Rather than police persons?

I won't deny it. You mind if I smoke? If I don't have this one little puff, I'm

gonna die.

Oh, go ahead.

Although, it's the other way around, isn't it?

Well, since you seem to be it for the moment, I guess I'd better fill you in

what's been happening to me.

You left on a lecture tour three weeks ago yesterday.

Approximately two days after you left, you began receiving telephone calls of

obscene nature.

First call came after your initial appearance at Cornell, the second one in

Utica, third Syracuse.

You then became concerned and contacted police departments in each and every

city that you were speaking, Albany, Rochester.

They attempted to trace the cause but were unsuccessful in doing so. And last

night was the final engagement of your tour at Princeton, and this morning you

boarded a helicopter from New York, Mrs. Granger.

Did you enjoy the ride in this limo from the airport to the TV studio?

Good for meetings, and we do most of our entertaining here, but our real home is

in Connecticut.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, Helen.

What present? What are you talking about?

That was him again. Take it easy. You said something about a present?

I don't know what he's talking about.

He was here.

In my apartment.

He left that.

Don't touch anything. I'm going to check the rest of the place.

We'll get a forensic team up here. Find out how he got in.

Until now, it's just been phone calls. Is that right, Mrs. Granger?

What does he want?

I don't know what he wants.

Mrs. Granger?

You step in here, please.

Never. Excuse me.

Where is Dunkard, huh?

Hey, settle down. Settle down.

But I tell you, I was minding my own business.

304, public nuisance.

My dear fellow, this is a free country. You do remember Abraham Lincoln, don't

you? That the tall fellow with the beard? Yes. Yeah, I used to go out with

sister. But I bring him here legally.

I told the policeman. I have the papers. I don't care if you got his

grandfather's birth certificate.

It is against the law to take a python, a rather poisonous reptile, on the

subway. Ah!

Dunkard is not poisonous!

Isn't it about time for the girls to check in? Yeah. Yeah, what? I got

that's not only going to make the hair on their two little heads stand up, it's

going to turn white.

Yeah? So what is it?

Here, look.

Yeah, it's a great gag.

Hey, it's genius, even if I say so myself.

Yeah.

Great gag.

What should I get, Ma, for our anniversary? What anniversary is it? Our

See -through black negligee.

Christine!

I was thinking of getting them a mission.

Mary Beth, you can't fit a dog that size into your tiny apartment. Well, there

comes a pipe, not a dog.

Hiya, men.

Hi.

Jeez, it's like a graveyard around here. Hey, you girls want to see something

really cute.

We just found this sweet little bugger in the subway.

Ooh, hello, sweet skins.

Look at you, aren't you pretty? You're just all curled up there for a nice nap,

aren't you?

Hmm.

He's a real live one.

That's it.

Okay, so what's happening with your big, obscene phone call? Hey, hold your

horses, cowboy.

If it was a man that was receiving those threats, he'd be an endangered species,

right? Well, since it's a woman, she's a neurotic ready for the loony bin.

Relax. Who said anything about being neurotic?

Yeah, I saw the Granger lady on the Carson show.

She's an okay broad.

Why? Because she thinks if a woman isn't in the sex, she should be making a pot

roast? What's wrong with that?

Nothing.

Not if your life's goal is to become a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. Will you two

get off each other's case?

Lacey, come on. You got a report for me or what? Yeah, the guy's a real psycho.

He gets off on tearing up Granger's underwear.

You know, forensics found nothing.

Well, let's send a telephone trace team down there. We already arranged for

that. Good. Who's covering?

Davidson and Velazquez are on it.

She's scheduled to speak tomorrow at the village auditorium, and she has been

advised that it would be wise to have protection.

We're going to miss the fight.

It's good. Bring him. Bring him. Yeah.

Yeah. What a shot. Good. Come on. Where's he going to hop up? Yeah.

It'll never go to distance. Five minutes your chance. No knockout. All right.

You're out. All right. What round is this? The second.

Your boy's holding his own.

Hey, it's Becky.

You know, Luke the Nuke was their first caller.

Tag me in Lacey.

That was over the 23rd, right? Yeah.

Luke Powell, you're kidding.

You must be putting me on.

That's right.

They started his career. If they hadn't have busted him, he never would have

made it to national TV now.

Hey, sweetness, I got a newfound respect.

Detective LaGuardia, 14th Precinct.

Just a moment.

Lieutenant. Lieutenant Helen Grager. She wants to talk to the man in charge.

Yeah, well, give it to Cagney and Lacey.

It's their case.

Lieutenant, she wants to talk to the man in charge.

Cagney, will you take the call?

Tell that woman she got the best in the department on her case and leave me

alone.

Watch his right, Luke. Watch his right.

Cagney, will you take the call?

Cagney, I can't see through you. Come on!

He deserves a point for backing us.

You know why he's backing us. He doesn't want to miss the fight.

I'll take it any way I can get it. Go head back to the bloodbath. I'll talk to

him. I owe you one.

Detective Lacey.

Yes, ma 'am.

I see. When was that?

Well, ma 'am, I think that my superior would advise that you cancel.

He's not getting up. Come on, up, up, up, up, up. He's never getting up.

He really rang his bell.

Boxing is the only so -called sport where one player tries to do

harm to another.

What do you know about boxing, LaGuardia? What do you know about

Well, it's an art.

To me, boxing is an art. It's the art of attack and defense, using your fists,

but it's practiced as a sport.

It's been around for almost as long as 5 ,000 years, and I think it began and

originated in Samaria.

Samaria? Samaria, yeah, which is now Iraq.

From a racket spread down and went across.

Okay, okay, okay. So you know about boxing?

Thank you.

Lieutenant, that fan of Helen Granger's that's been following her on the lecture

circuit, he called her again, he added a little something.

Like what?

He said he's gonna kill her.

All right.

Get her back on the phone and tell this department advisors against her doing

that lecture thing tomorrow.

She has been so advised.

And she's not about to take the advice, right?

Right.

Okay. When does she do the lecture?

Tomorrow at four.

LaGuardia, you and Miss Becky are going over to Granger's place. Tomorrow

morning, you stick with her the whole day, all right?

Cagney, you and Lacey go over to that auditorium and take a peek.

Tonight.

I'd better call her.

How are you, honey?

Yeah, they did their homework.

Uh, just a quart of milk and some onion.

Yeah, okay, me too.

Oh, wait, Petey.

Is your happy gift to Mama?

Almost. Hey, Mike, Mike, what are you doing?

I just wanted to see what you're giving her. Oh, man, a saleslady. She folded it

perfect. I was just looking.

Now we gotta fold it up again, right?

What is it?

PJs, can't you see?

It doesn't look like PJs to me.

It's a girl's PJ.

Is this all Mom's? that you wanted for my number three?

It's the thought that counts. Isn't that right, Dad? That's right, and it's a

surprise, huh?

So don't say anything, okay?

It's a secret between us guys.

Huh? Okay.

And you know how much they want for the pipe and tobacco setup? You know, that

works with a pipe and tobacco humidor?

$269.

So what? It's the 12th anniversary. He's going to love you for it.

He's going to love me for getting it for him.

He'll kill me for spending the money.

Nice fella.

Look, Mrs. Granger, we went to check out the auditorium and he was there, but he

got away.

We think that you'll be taking a very big risk going back there tomorrow.

In other words, I am supposed to give up my work because of your incompetence.

We'll have better luck next time.

How do you like that?

You know what she said?

What? She thinks we're in the wrong profession.

Yeah? I think maybe she's in the wrong agenda.

You guys sure are touchy about that woman.

How would you feel if you were guarding the head of the Ku Klux Klan?

I might leave my gun at home.

Dagny, Lacey, you know who that was?

That was Helen Granger.

You know what she wants?

She wants you two off the case.

Fine. She wants us off. We're off the case. Hold it a second. Helen Granger

not set the assignments here. I do. So are we off the case or not?

I don't get it. What did you beat with her?

You wouldn't understand.

Again with the I wouldn't understand. Try me.

It's economics.

It's that Gloria Steinem feminism stuff, right?

Well, come on. Come on. Explain it to me. I want to know.

Men will not be truly liberated until women are.

But Helen Granger doesn't want women to be liberated because she thinks men

should take care of women.

I don't get it. It's simple.

Helen Granger says women are already better than equal under the law.

They don't have to serve in the army. They don't pay alimony.

It's stuff like that.

How come you know that? You're single.

You never know.

If you ask me, it's all bull.

It's bull. It's bull.

Why do you always come on like that, Miss Becky?

It comes naturally.

Petrie, you help us here.

The Constitution of the United States.

Said all men are created equal, right?

Right. And they didn't live up to it.

So they're putting an amendment about black men. Now, you're going to have a

kid? Right.

If it's a girl, don't you want her to be equal under the law?

Of course I do. All right.

Come to think of it, Velma had a job once.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

We did a little extra money. We were young.

Just starting out.

I might have been the happiest.

So what happened?

Well, so, uh, when I was finally well -situated, I, uh, made it quick.

Good night.

Lacey.

Peggy, hold on a minute, hold on a minute, hold on a minute. I got a

you from Captain Hightower.

Hightower? Yeah, you remember him? Public relations, NYPD?

Hmm? Well, he wants you to call Peter Skyler.

Sports writer?

Skyler wants to talk to you, too, about your favorite fighter, Luke Powell.

Uh, sir, what we have to say about Luke Powell, Peter Skyler would not be

allowed to print it. Well, maybe not.

But Skyler's making a lot of noises about parole for Powell, and he wants

input. So, uh, remember the image of NYPD and be like you always are, girls.

Nice.

So, Pete... Is he going to put you in his column?

Oh, I doubt it. He's pushing to get Luke Powell parole.

We're against it.

Luke Powell's a good fighter.

How long has he been up the river?

Harvey, nobody says up the river anymore.

But I'll tell you something. Up the river is exactly where Luke Powell

Mean. That was one hostile guy.

Out of control, you know.

Rage like that, it's like insane.

He's a killer.

All right, all right, but you've got some time to cool off.

How long has he been up there now? What, six, seven years?

Oh, sure.

Great.

Who's always saying... Longer sentences, throw the book at him. You're Mr. Law

and Order until it comes to some jock. Then all of a sudden, go easy because

spotlight washes all your sins away. I'm not only talking about Luke Powell.

Hey, come on. Get off your soapbox, will you? Maybe the guy's turned around,

huh? Maybe he hasn't, but in case he has, don't you think he rates a shot?

Everyone's entitled to a shot, Harv. You bet.

Harv, you ever get the feeling that sometimes I'm screwing up your act?

What are you talking about?

I'm a cop and you're chopping onions.

So?

So, according to Helen...

Granger, I should be chopping the onions and... And I should be up on a

skyscraper catching rivets, huh?

I mean, I could live with it.

Didn't work out that way, did it?

So what are we going to do, break up a lousy marriage?

Harvard, you think that I would be crazy for you if all of a sudden you went

completely bald?

I don't know.

You know, someday, Helen Granger is going to run for president of the United

States.

If she does, would you vote for her?

Hey, a screwball who thinks a woman's place is in a home, huh?

Gotta admit, it's a gutsy position.

Hey.

Tomorrow night, in case you forgot, our anniversary.

Tomorrow?

Got reservations at the Shamrock.

I don't know, Hoff.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to bust the entire mafia.

Get out of my kitchen.

Two hours?

Just about.

You think Hawk would like a leather -bound edition of Mark Twain?

No. No. He'd let the kids look at it. They'd get peanut butter and jelly all

over.

I came up with this stuff the middle of the night.

Bathrobe is a lousy idea.

Jogging suit?

Jogging suit horror?

I bet it was the middle of the night.

Tell me why you call me.

What do you want from me? What do you want to say to me?

Are you lonely?

Come on. Come on, baby.

Where are you?

Where do you live?

Tell me something about yourself.

Do you go to school?

14th and Broadway.

14th and Broadway.

About five minutes ago, a call was made from that phone book. Did you get a look

at the caller?

Yeah, well, I was busy with a customer, you know?

I mean, I wouldn't even notice the guy at all, except that he ran out of that

phone book so fast, he almost knocked over my stand.

It was a man, huh?

Well, he sure wasn't wearing no high heels. Did you get a good look at his

Well, I'll tell you, it happened so fast that, uh... I mean, he was gone before

I could catch my breath.

Thanks, Mr., uh... Aparicio.

Aparicio. Yeah, nice meeting you. Yeah. Good job.

Mrs.

Loomis!

We'll come to the precinct once you close it. Any luck?

Uh, a little.

Little.

Lieutenant Samuels, Mrs. Loomis.

Oh, how do you do? This is Mr. Hooray. He's our sketch artist. This is Mrs.

Loomis. She's the lady who sold a man in a telephone booth. How do you do? How

do you do?

Sit down.

Relax. Don't force anything.

Don't push it.

Oh, I remember him quite clearly.

He was about 5 feet 11 inches.

He had fuzzy hair, eyeglasses, and a baby face.

Okay, let me start with a round kind of face.

All right.

Congratulations, you made Skyler's column.

Two women scoring.

Oh, listen to this.

Whoever invented the phrase, the milk of human kindness, never had to break

bread with the two female police persons I met yesterday.

There's more.

Completely disregarding Luke Powell's efforts at rehabilitation. Ah, jeez.

Forgot to mention the crime we committed.

Lacey, when Don's through with this sketch, I want it wired to every police

station in every town where Granger ever lectured, you hear? Yes, sir.

How about this?

Oh, it's really beginning to look like him.

I can't believe that you can actually reproduce something like this with a

simple description.

Yes, yes, that lower lip.

It seemed to quiver like when he was talking on the telephone.

But the hair could be a little darker.

Some of it kind of thicker on one side than the other.

Jaws I never forget. It was a strong jaw, definitely.

We've done it perfectly.

We're not staying. We just came to show you this.

Anyone you recognize?

Oh, Jason.

You bet I'm ready. I made a commitment to talk.

I didn't cancel my lecture at Village Auditorium, and I am not about to cancel

because some psychotic whom they can't catch threatened me.

You think her husband is a possibility?

If you were her husband, wouldn't you be tempted?

What?

Hmm?

No, I can't guess who's going to introduce me.

Judge Margaret Stockwood.

Jason, you're a genius. It must have been tough rounding up somebody black,

conservative, and a mother of four who actually likes me.

Thanks.

Gotta run.

Bye -bye.

Well?

You were the ones who saw him. I certainly never did.

Let's get one thing straight, Mrs. Granger.

Even though we're not a couple of linebackers from the Jets, we've still

assigned to protect you.

In your fashion.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

I don't want to go to Hawaii. I get burned on the first day filming.

Why should I fly 6 ,000 miles to stay indoors for nine days, huh?

Well, huh?

Oh, no, nothing yet.

Listen, we'll talk about it later.

Maui no ka oi.

What? Maui number one, the best.

You'll love it.

You check out those mug shots, will you?

I was only trying to be helpful.

Suspect had been arrested for armed robbery.

Sir, uh, you...

Walter?

Are you kidding?

Do you know how many fats and chemicals you're eating?

Just pastrami.

Animal fat.

Parasite. Carcinogen.

Nitrate. Sodium.

Maybe that's why it tastes so good, huh?

Lieutenant, any response on that wire photo we sent out? Ah, fuck this. No,

that's that Loomis broad that we brought up here with the description. She

probably didn't see the guy at all.

What, you think she made all that up? Well, who knows? Maybe that's the way

makes herself feel important. Maybe that's her substitute for sex. When you

write your autobiography, Lieutenant, don't give up the comic book.

Hey, how are you?

Fine. You mind if we ask you a few more questions? No, no, no. Go right ahead.

Go ahead. Terrific. You know the guy that was in the phone booth that bumped

into your stand here?

I know you said you didn't get a very good look at him, but does this do

anything to your memory? Oh, wait a minute.

Like I told you, I never saw his face.

You don't remember anything about him? No, he had his back to me.

You know, I was getting pretty teed off. You know, I mean, the guy... You know,

he took my business phone for over ten minutes. I was running out of hot dog

buns, and I couldn't make a call.

Said he was in the phone booth for ten minutes?

Yeah, ten minutes.

Thank you, Mr. Aparicio. Hey.

Nice to see you again. Take it easy. Ciao.

Ten minutes. So?

So the calls to Granger never last more than a minute.

He must have his obscene routine down pat.

Or he must have been talking to somebody else before he placed the call to

Granger. Good one.

Ms. Malone?

Detective Cagney at the 14th Precinct.

Yeah. You helped us trace a call from a phone booth in Manhattan with the number

9832.

That's right.

What we need to know is, was another call placed from that number minutes

the call to the Granger apartment?

That's right.

Terrific. Can you get right back to me?

Thanks.

Physical, Thelma. I'm feeling fine, yeah.

Then it was just a heartburn. That was all, yeah.

I don't have to exercise, no.

I get all the exercise I need just walking to the funerals of all my

friends.

You don't think that's funny, Thelma?

Texas Academy, 14th Precinct.

Yeah.

Call was made to Yonkers.

Subscriber's name is Mike.

Walker. And the number?

One more thing, Ms. Malone. We've got traces on calls made from Utica,

and Rochester.

Yeah, what we want to know is if the calls to Yonkers were also made from pay

phones just before the obscene calls.

Mrs. Walker.

Yes? We'd like to talk to you about your son, Mike.

Who are you? We're police officers, New York City.

I'm Detective Lacey, this is Detective Cagney. Will you come in for a minute?

All right.

Is, uh... Is he in some kind of trouble?

When was the last time you saw your son?

He's been traveling.

Utica, Syracuse, Rochester?

Yeah.

Why are you asking all these questions?

Have you ever heard of a woman named Helen Granger?

No. And neither has my son.

How do you know that, Mrs. Walker?

Because he tells me about every girl that he meets.

We have a very sincere and open relationship.

Michael tells me everything.

We have reason to believe that he's been making threatening phone calls to this

Helen Granger.

You're wrong.

How could he? He don't even know her.

You have no right to come into my home and make such ridiculous accusations.

We didn't mean to upset you, Mrs. Walker. Is this your son?

Yeah, but he's taken off some weight since that picture. I made him stop

sweets.

Oh.

Oh, he got a merit badge and beekeeping. That's just like my son.

Oh, Michael was an Eagle Scout.

Yeah, Harvey Jr. is still a tenderfoot.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

If you hear from your son, we would like to talk to him.

Okay.

Mrs. Walker, does your son own a gun?

He has a license for it.

Does he carry it with him?

Of course not.

He always keeps...

It was always there.

The guy's name is Michael Walker, and the picture matches the sketch.

And what's his relationship with Granger? His mother says he's never met

before in his life.

Some kind of psycho.

Sam, it's 14th Precinct.

Yeah, I know she's going on an ERA fundraiser tonight for LaGuardia, so

from Yonkers.

Just called Granger. Said she's never gonna make it to that fundraiser unless

she sees him first.

He has a gun, Lieutenant.

Why not? Everybody else has.

I'll get an APB out on this guy Walker. You two get over to Granger's house.

Stick on her tail. Don't let her out of your sight.

Let's hope she resumes her lecture tour, gets out of town and off our backs.

Yes, sir. Amen.

What?

Harvey.

and I'm waiting. Harv, you're gonna hate me. Yeah?

Harv, it's our anniversary.

Yeah, our anniversary. Same day every year last 12 years.

And you have reservations and everything?

Not everything. So far, just reservations.

I can't make it, baby. I'm on duty.

Okay, so you can't make it. You're on duty.

You're mad.

Mad? I'm not mad. Harvey, why do you always keep everything in? When you're

say you're mad. I'm disappointed. What do you expect? It's our anniversary,

I am not mad.

Stay up for me, huh?

Please.

Think I could go to sleep without you?

Be careful, Mary, bet that.

All clear on 9 -12. On my way to check 9 -14.

We copy.

He loves all that physical stuff. Can't you just picture him leaping from roof

to roof? Or tree to tree.

You okay in there, Mrs. Granger?

I'll be right out. I'm just spraying my hair.

Did you get a load of that dress she's got on? What's the matter with it? It's

nothing.

Wish I could afford it.

All righty. Wait a minute. I'll check and make sure that everything's clear.

Thanks.

You smell that perfume?

Cagney and Lacey must have been driving this thing around yesterday.

It's kind of heavy, like mentholated musk.

It's my new cologne.

Oh, just what I need right now. Maybe it's not him.

Don't you believe in women's intuition either, Mrs. Lacey?

But what in?

He's not a liar.

I really don't have time for this right now. 1 ,200 people have paid $10 a plate

to hear me speak and make no mistake, I am going to be there.

Don't talk to me about 1 ,200 people.

May I ask you something?

What have I ever done to you?

You don't listen to me.

Listen to me, Michael.

I'm a friend of your mother's and she is very, very worried about you.

It doesn't matter. I saw that picture of you with that Boy Scout uniform. Geez,

you got a lot of merit badges, didn't you? You were in my house?

Anyway, your mother wrote you a letter.

And she had no idea where to send it to, so she gave it to me. You want to hear

what she had to say?

I got it right here in my purse.

Hang on just a second. Helen, would you hand me my purse, please?

You got that, Meg?

68th and 2nd. 68th and 2nd. LaGuardia, 68th and...

Right here, Michael. I got it.

Dearest son.

I've been thinking an awful lot about you, Michael.

And I miss you.

And son, I wish you'd come on home.

Chasing all over the country after that woman. That's foolish.

You told my mother about me and Alan.

Michael, I didn't say anything to her that you would not want her to hear.

And she told me that you are a very decent young man.

You wouldn't hurt anybody.

She told me when you were a kid, you wouldn't even step on an ant.

We got him.

Granger, we got him.

Chris?

Yeah? Yeah, could you get over here and take over for me?

I got a chance to salvage a couple minutes of my anniversary.

You ready?

Yeah.

PJ. I love my presents, huh?

I hate myself.

Why?

Because I haven't found you your dip.

And I've been racking my brains for weeks.

And work started to pile up so fast. Hey, you want to give me something

make me really happy?

Hmm? Anything.

You name it. There you go.

Pleasing your man.

Glad to see you learned something from this Helen Granger.

Oh, yeah.

She's smart.

And she's gutsy.

And I wish she was on our side.

So what can I give you that would make you really happy?

Give that a... Are you kidding?

Am I?

Read statistics on women smokers lately?

Bobby, that's not a real present.

I have ten more years with you.

Happy anniversary.

Happy

anniversary.

in Quantum Leap.